Listen, I get that you’re excited to start planning your wedding. Pinterest is filled with ideas that almost actually make it look like bossing all of your friends around managing a team of bridesmaids will be a fun experience, filled with script fonts and floral robes. While bridesmaids are typically treated like shit in movies and TV shows, it’s important to remember that these betches are (probably) your actual friends that you’re going to need favors from for the rest of your life. So like, it’s pretty important that you don’t mess it all up and make them hate you. Bridesmaids can totally ruin your wedding by getting engaged or showing up pregnant, so it’s probably within your best interest to keep them at least mildly satisfied. Here are a few things to avoid doing to your bridesmaids while you become a total bridezilla.
1. Propose To Them In A Non-Instagrammy Way
At the very least, your bridesmaids are going to feel obliged to take a photo of the box of random shit you’ve given them asking to be your personal slave for the next 423 days. If you’re lucky, and they don’t have much else going on in their personal lives, the photo may even make it onto the main grid. Do them a favor and give them good stuff to photograph. Nobody wants to see another boring box with a miniature bottle of Barefoot Bubbly Pink Moscato and a poorly executed DIY frame.
2. Make Them Wear Ugly Dresses
I mean, this is the most obvious point there is. If there’s a Katherine Heigl movie about it, it’s safe to assume it’s a cliche. Everyone knows bridesmaids have to wear fugly dresses so the bride doesn’t really need to compete with anyone. Don’t overdo it, though. Remember that it’s your wedding too, and although your college roommate may have a better body than you, the heinous wrap dress you’ll force her to wear will live in eternal memory through all of your wedding photos.
3. Bombard Them With Wedding Shit 24/7
There is a very finite amount of energy a bridesmaid can put into pretending to give a shit about helping you plan your wedding, so please keep that in mind. While some of your bridesmaids may be genuinely excited by the prospect of wedding planning in the beginning stages, this will fade as quickly if you don’t find a systematic way to enlist the help of your team of minions friends. Try limiting wedding-related talk to set times, like brunch, or specific spaces, like a private Facebook group (which also has the potential to be pretty annoying, so be careful with that one).
4. Force Them To Look Like Idiots At The Bachelorette Party
If you’ve ever even been out in a public place that serves alcohol during the summer, you’ve probably seen a gaggle of bridesmaids in ugly tank tops that say stuff like “bride tribe” traipsing behind a betch dressed in all white. (Unrelated observation: at least one of them always has a Coach wristlet in hand. It’s probably an older cousin or sister, or a coworker that was recruited for her impeccable handwriting skills.) Anyway, take that Etsy shop out of your bookmarks and order one of our non-embarrassing Betchelorette tanks instead.
From left: Shop Betches I Said Yeahhh Buddy flowy tank; Shop Betches She Said Yeahhh Buddy flowy tank
5. Make Stuff Sound Like It’s Going To Be More Fun Than It Will Be
Your bridesmaids are not dogs that can be tricked into going to the vet with a treat. By that I mean, you need to stop acting like mimosas are the solution to everything. If you need your bridesmaids to help stuff and stamp your wedding invitations, don’t disguise the day as a Stuffing and Stamping Soiree. Cut the shit, provide drinks, and let them know that they’re probably going to leave with a few papercuts.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy
Ugh, bachelorette parties are so tacky. Like, no offense, but nothing good ever came from a swarm of girls in cork sole wedges trying to navigate the cobblestone streets of Hoboken or Nashville. Bachelorette party tanks that say shit like “Bride tribe” and satin “Mrs. To Be” sashes are simply not an option if you’re looking to pull in solid likes and comments on your bachelorette party Instagram pics. Lucky for you, we’ve created a line of Betchelorette tanks that you’ll actually be obsessed with, because it’s all inspired by stuff you already love. You’re welcome.
If You’re Obsessed With ‘The Office’…
Opt for our “I said yesh” and “that’s what she said” tanks. If you don’t get the reference, you can go sit in the annex with Toby. Byeeeee.
From Left: Shop Betches I Said Yesh flowy tank; Shop betches That’s What She Said flowy tank
If You Can’t Get Enough Of ‘Jersey Shore’…
We’ll give you the green light for your Atlantic City bachelorette party IF (and only if), you wear the “I said yeahhh buddy” and “she said yeahhh buddy” tanks. Anything else will make you look like a dirty little hamster.
From left: Shop Betches I Said Yeahhh Buddy flowy tank; Shop Betches She Said Yeahhh Buddy flowy tank
If You Honestly, Personally Love ‘KUWTK’…
If you say “OKURR” in the Khloé voice, you have our permission to wear these tanks, provided your fiancé isn’t a cheating piece of shit. Sorry, still not over it. Either way, you’re basically telling the world you like to go through your fiancé’s phone, and that’s a power move.
From left: Shop Betches She Said Okurrrr flowy tank; Shop Betches I Said Okurrrr flowy tank
If You’re SUCH A …
I couldn’t help but wonder… if Charlotte met Trey on Hinge instead of in the middle of the street… would they have matched? Or would she have been stuck wading through a sea of Brooklyn baristas? Anyway, the “I said alrighty” and “she said alrighty” are perfect for the bridal parties of anyone who’s like, prob going to get divorced and marry a bald guy. I’m kidding. Kind of.
From left: Shop Betches She Said Alrighty flowy tank; Shop Betches I Said Alrighty flowy tank
If You Suck At Pop Culture References…
Maybe just fill up one of these tumblers and sip some prosecco until you’re drunk enough to pretend you’re in on the joke. One of your more pop culturally inclined friends can probably help you pick a nice emoji to use as a caption instead.
From left: Shop Betches Prosecc-Ho tumbler; Shop Betches Already Drunk tumbler; Shop Betches Feel The ‘Pagne tumbler
Images: Shop Betches (6)
If you’re reading this, it’s too late. You’re past the point of pinning shit to your wedding board on Pinterest. In fact, you’re already engaged, ready to marry the man who has seen you at your worst what you look like without makeup in the morning. Wedding planning consists of blood, sweat, and a fuck ton of ugly crying. The months prior to the big day you sign your life away are full of engagement ring selfies, a concerning amount of penis party favors, and a shit ton of alcohol—girl, you’re going to need it. This is where your main betches come in. Assuming you were considerate of the rest of the group, your husband-to-be received BFF approval, so now these girls are helping you celebrate with an unforgettable bachelorette party in hopes that your marriage lasts more than 72 days.
Whether you’re trying to go crazy in Vegas or soak up the sun in Miami, it’s only mandatory you all match (in case one of you runs off) and look cute as fuck at the pool—with the exception of the bride, she always has to look hotter. Here are the hottest bachelorette swimsuit sets that will turn heads anywhere you go (as if you won’t be causing a scene already):
For The Ride or Die Betchelorette Party
These are for the ladies who take marriage and true friendship vows v seriously. Have the bride show off her hot bod in a fab pink Bride Or Die Swimsuit while the total babe bridesmaids wear matching pink Bridesbabe Swimsuits. Both feature deep necklines and low backs so you’ll all look as exclusive as your friendship. Damn right, until death do you part.
For The Hot Mess Betchelorette Party
You and your crew are the ones to cause a scene on a flight to Vegas, but not even make it there before getting kicked off. The Shop Betches Hot Mess In A Wedding Dress Swimsuit is perfect for a bride who probably gets drunk off of one shot. But don’t worry, her girls in this Malta Caution Bridal Party Slogan Scoop Swimsuit will there to hold her hair back (like always). Use these swimsuits as a fair warning for the innocent patrons who have the misfortune of running into you obnoxious bitches.
For The Team Hitched Betchelorette Party
Every time there was trouble in paradise for the two lovebirds, your best friends were rooting for you both the whole time. They knew it was meant to be, regardless of how many fights you had over which Netflix show to binge. Most of these bridesmaids were probably on an annoying cheerleading team at some point in their lives so have them wear the Missguided Team Bride Swimsuit. Let everyone else know who the real captain is by wearing the Vanilla Beach The Bride One Piece.
For The Baywatch Betchelorette Party
You all may not have a lifeguard certificate and you may not even know what CPR stands for, but when the bride is unhappy in the slightest, you feed her alcohol when she needs it the most. So, that’s basically pretty similar to saving lives, right? The classic Private Party Bachelorette Swimsuit comes in four different colors, and yes, black is one of them. Make sure the bride stands out (obviously) with her own Bride Swimsuit.
For The #SquadGoals Betchelorette Party
This squad is way better than Taylor Swift and her little posse will ever be. You’re basically the spin-off to Sex and the City, which is saying a lot, so I hope to god you all fit these expectations. The soon-to-be-Mrs. should be glittering all day in the metallic gold Bride Swimsuit and have her true soulmates coordinate in the Costa Rica Bride Squad Slogan Swimsuit.
For The Modern Betchelorette Party
This is for the bride who likes to be traditional, but low-key wants to change things up a bit. A blue and white color combo screams summer so these two go hand in hand. Have the woman of the year hour wear an all white Bride One Piece with a touch of Powder Blue cursive writing. Her bridesmaids will contrast in a matching blue Custom Bridesmaid Script Bikini. Customize the bikini to whatever fun slogan you’d like written across all of your girlfriends’ asses.
Arthur George, Rob Kardashian’s sock company that you probably forgot existed, recently pushed their line of “wedding socks” this week, which is odd considering the closest Rob Kardashian has ever come to being married was knocking up Blac Chyna and having her steal both his baby and his Eggos while he was out of the house. I’m not sure why he even pretends to be a “businessman” when he probably still gets a weekly allowance from Kris.
To be fair, the wedding collection, which features socks with phrases such as “Team Bride,” “Maid of Honor” and “Best Man,” is kind of a step up from the rest of the shit he sells. Apparently, Rob actually thinks people are going to wear socks that say “YOLO,” “Baby Daddy” and “Mother Fucker” on the sole. There’s even a pair that says “Dream On,” which is probably part of the branding contract Kris forces every Kardashian child to sign at birth. A moment of silence for the fact that there is at least one person in this world named Dream.
Honestly, I have a lot of mixed feelings about Rob trying to sell people trashy socks with cringeworthy phrases on them. On one hand, I think the socks are heinous and I am nostalgic for the good old days when Rob was hot and dating a Cheetah Girl. You know, before he got addicted to weed Doritos or whatever. On the other hand, I respect the fact that he has come up with a super elaborate way to avoid having to lose weight or ever wear real clothes again. Obviously, the only people who would want to wear Arthur George socks are people who, like Rob, wear sweatpants and slider sandals everyday and probably smell like Funyuns. In the same way that Kylie has to promote the shit out of her lip kits by using them daily, Rob has to promote his fugly socks by being a hot mess daily. I weirdly approve of using the Kardashian family name to promote his stoner agenda.
At this point, it would be more shocking if the Kardashians—whose social media presence consists almost entirely of Postmates discount codes at this point—did something we actually approved of, but tacky wedding accessories are about as bad as it gets. Rhinestone “Future Mrs” tank tops, tiaras with glitter dicks on them and “bride-to-be” sashes belong in the clearance section of Icing, not in the sacred Kardashian-Jenner empire.
If you’re looking to buy some actually cute wedding attire that wasn’t designed by the only Kardashian no one gives a fuck about, check out Shopbetches and plan a betchelorette!
Calling all Maids of Honor!!!! Life-long best friend, twin sister, or college roommate, whatever you are, you’re probably mad stressed. Let’s face it, bridal parties are kind of the worst. You spend all your money and free time planning these events for your friend who barely even thanked when you spent all night holding her hair back while she puked last weekend. And if you don’t plan the perfect bachelorette party down to the matching bachelorette party tank tops, you can kiss the friendship goodbye. It’s enough to make you want to run to the doctor for a Xanax prescription. We’re not going to tell you not to do that, but you should know you have another option. It’s not a bachelorette party, it’s a BETCHELORETTE party. Calm down, we’ll explain.
What Is A Betchelorette?
A betchelorette is not a regular bachelorette party, it’s a cool bachelorette party. K I’ll go kill myself now. Sry. ANYWAY, Betchelorette is the latest and greatest from your fave online store, Shop Betches. We’re here to help you plan the biggest, the baddest, and the boujee-est betchelorette party. We’ve got bachelorette party tanks that are like, OMG so you. We’ve got bachelorette robes that you’ll low-key want to wear year-round. Any item of batchelorette party clothing you could possibly want, we probably have—but not like your lame “I’m With The Bride” T-shirts. This is stuff you’ll actually want to wear again (without having to shorten, unlike the heinous bridesmaid dress you’re forced to buy). All of our merch is customizable—the robes, the tanks, the swimsuits, you name it—and we recommend putting your hashtag on like, everything. But if you’re not the creative type, DW, we’ve already done the hard work of coming up with a bunch of great ideas for you. And because we’re really amazing, we’re offering serious discounts to bridal parties that order in bulk.
But wait, that’s not all! K sorry for sounding like an infomercial, but really, there’s more. With a little bit of help from our creative team, and a few extra bucks for VIP treatment, we’ll hook you up with awesome bachelorette party ideas so you don’t even have to think. We’ll make sure you have the trendiest hashtag, squad gear, and Snapchat geofilter. All you have to do is shop the items below or email [email protected] with the subject “Betchelorette”. While you’re fine tuning the details, we’ll be getting down and dirty on the shit that will make the bride forever obsessed with you and the bridesmaids green with envy.
Bachelorette Party Tank Tops
Rage Cuz She’s Engaged and Bride or Die are just two of our betchelorette tanks—we have like, so many to choose from. And yes, before you even ask, OF COURSE we made a Bridesmaids one. Check out all our betchelorette tanks here!
Bridesmaid Robes
And did I mention our robes? Perfect for brunching and rallying, extreme sunburns, and basically any other time you’re too drunk to put a proper outfit on—aka 99% of your trip. Would it be weird if I showed up to an actual restaurant in the “Champagne is always a good idea” robe? I’ll let you know what happens.
Bridal Party Swimsuits & More
If you thought we were just going to stop at custom tanks and robes, you were SO wrong. Not only do we have sexy af one piece swimsuits to accentuate your thighbrow (all the single guys your bridal party might meet) but we have bachelorette totes, hats, and the most amaze gift for your bride-to-be: a custom vintage denim jacket by Unemployed Denim! You’re so fucking welcome.
If you’re not literally dying right now at how much easier your life has become, you really should re-read this post. And don’t worry, even the custom ordering is super easy. All you have to do is shop the items directly on shopbetches.com or email [email protected] with the subject “Betchelorette” for custom orders.
It’s so simple. With our help, even Corinne could plan the sickest bachelorette party ever for Taylor.
