Coming out of a week where the Amazon rainforest is being burned to the ground and the President of the United States of America is declaring himself a prophet, it’s nice to know there’s one constant in the vicious downward spiral that is daily life in 2019: the Bachelor.
Worrying about the future of the planet and life as we know it? Exhausting. Sad. Terrible.
Worrying about the future of the next Bachelor? Fun! Exciting! A blatant but necessary distraction from the impending apocalypse!
We’re about halfway through the latest season of Bachelor in Paradise, and believe me when I say *incredibly Chris Harrison voice* it’s been the most dramatic season yet. Demi Burnett has blessed us with our first openly queer relationship of the franchise. John Paul Jones has blessed us with his hair. Chad Johnson has blessed us with a series of Twitter rants, one that explicitly mention how bad we here at Betches are at our jobs. In short, it’s been a good run.
But as one head of the Bachelor Hydra dies, it is immediately replaced by another, hungrier for our attention than the last. Rumors are already swirling as to who the next Bachelor will be, and we’re here to break down the contenders for you. I am holding three pictures in my hands, but only one can be the next Bachelor. Will it be Mike Johnson, Pilot Pete, or Derek Peth? Only time and a heavy handed producer-influenced edit of Bachelor in Paradise will tell. You wanna be on top?
— Jennifer Brush (@JenBrush1213) August 21, 2019
Charismatic, humble, and well-liked amongst his fellow Hannah B. Bachelorette contestants, Mike was looking like Bachelor Nation’s pick up until this week when Derek Peth swooped in with and stole our hearts with never-before-seen levels of empathy in the face of getting dumped by a woman on national television for… another woman. Yes, men, the bar is in fact that low. (JK Derek we love you). But even amidst Derek’s PR win of the century, Mike still has some strong supporters in his corner. In the end we all know it will come down to whichever option lines Mike Fleiss’ bed with more money, but let’s pretend that we have a say.
- Mike is stupid hot.
- He’s an air force veteran, which will win him the loyalty of the conservative end of Bachelor Nation
- He would be the first black Bachelor, which would be a breath of fresh air in this historically white as hell franchise.
- Mike recently battled some criticism that he doesn’t like women of color after turning down Tayshia on Bachelor in Paradise. While he denied these allegations, it’s an early indicator that his decisions as Bachelor would be viewed under a microscope, much like Rachel Lindsay’s were during her season.
— Hannah (@hmlink) June 12, 2019
— Bachelor Banter (@Bachelor_Banter) August 21, 2019
Listen, I love Derek. Derek is KILLIN it in Paradise. And any other time I would be totally be on the Derek for Bachelor train. BUT MIKE! WE NEED MIKE FOR BACHELOR #MikeForBachelor #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/KxXawWOaLw
— Vicky (@vfensehl) August 21, 2019
Pilot Pete is a nice guy. Full stop. He’s kind. He’s genuine. He’s wholesome. He’s a pilot. What more is there to say?
Pete came out of Hannah B.’s season of The Bachelorette in a prime position to take on his roles as the next Bachelor. By steering clear of most of the Luke P. drama, he made it through relatively unscathed, making a graceful exit after hometowns, but not before his family got the chance to assure all of us that he has been “unlucky in love”—an easy transition to a role created solely to find love.
This man was primed to be Ben Higgins 2.0, but I have to ask: After two relatively lackluster seasons of The Bachelor, is that what we need? I would argue it isn’t. In 2020, a year that will be more of a dumpster fire than we could even imagine, we won’t be turning to the fantastical world of The Bachelor for the safe choice. We want drama. We want intrigue. We want someone who will make us forget it’s an election year.
- Your mom loves Pete.
- Your grandma loves Pete.
- Pete is the safe choice.
- Pete would not be the first black Bachelor.
- Pete didn’t just get (gracefully) dumped on national television.
- Pete is the safe choice.
— Brooke Weathers (@_brookedoeshair) August 21, 2019
Why has everyone given up on Pilot Pete for Bachelor just because he isn’t in Paradise
— Lexi Semrau (@LexSemrau24) August 23, 2019
Me thinks Pilot Pete is going to be the bachelor and I'm less than impressed to potentially have a another 27 year old vanilla lead. #BachelorInParadise
— Daniela (@DanielaEspo) August 21, 2019
I waited until the end of this writeup to tell you that Derek Peth is going to be the next Bachelor because that’s dramatic storytelling, baby. This is less of an opinion and more of an undisputed fact based on my many years of following The Bachelor and a basic understanding of pop culture politics in this, the year 2019.
ABC loves a redemption. Bringing Derek back to Paradise after his failed engagement to Taylor Nolan was already an indicator that he was in the running to become the next Bachelor. But after his performance this week as “sensitive and emotionally mature man who played the unlucky role in a bisexual love triangle,” there is literally no chance he doesn’t get chosen. He has the support of America, his fellow Bachelor franchise cohorts, and anyone who is remotely attracted to John Krasinski.
Barring any catastrophic events during the remainder of his stay in Paradise, Derek’s contract is effectively signed. I predict he’ll make a swift yet graceful, self-imposed exit, and then waltz his way straight to ABC’s offices for his check.
- A good guy.
- Supports women.
- Looks like John Krasinski.
- Friends with Wells.
- It would probably piss of Chad Johnson.
- The potential return of Taylor Nolan to the cultural zeitgeist but honestly, that’s not even that bad.
- That’s it.
Derek Peth on Demi: "I can’t put myself in her shoes. Truth be told, I can’t understand the level of bravery and courage that it took to say to me."
— Lauren Zima (@laurenzima) August 20, 2019
#derekforbachelor Appreciation video for my roommate on the @BacheloretteABC. My bourbon drinking buddy. My bestie from the TV world and honestly the one of the best guys I’ve ever met. We don’t deserve @pethderek. pic.twitter.com/okvToP6nbJ
— Wells Adams (@WellsAdams) August 21, 2019
— Kristina Schulman (@kristinaschulma) August 21, 2019
If John Krasinski & Liam Hemsworth had a child it would be Derek Peth from bachelor in paradise? pic.twitter.com/Iz38Ne9DNS
— Brinley Tavesi (@BrinleyTavesi) August 14, 2019
— the bachelor & bitchelor ? (@acceptedrose) August 21, 2019
Images: Twitter; @acceptedrose, @BrinleyTevesi, @kristinaschulma, @WellsAdams, @DanielaEspo, @LaurenZima, @LexSemrau24, @_brookedoeshair, @JenBrush1213, @hmlink, @BachelorBanter, @vfensehl
We’ve still got a lot of drama to get through on this season of Bachelor in Paradise, but at the same time, the cast is creating plenty of drama outside of the show. This week alone, we’ve seen Demi get into a major Twitter fight with Bachelor alum Tanner Tolbert, and now we have a mystery to solve with Tayshia and John Paul Jones.
At the start of this week’s Paradise, we saw JPJ give his rose to Onyeka, and Tayshia accepted a rose from Blake. After all the drama that went down during week one, it was obvious that Tayshia was done with Blake’s lying ass, but I respect the hustle of still accepting a rose. This is a game of love, but mostly a game of strategy, and Tayshia is playing to win. After taking Blake’s rose, Tayshia jumped ship and started connecting with John Paul Jones, which feels correct. Obviously, we don’t know how their relationship progresses on the show, but I don’t feel like either of them are likely to be engaged within the next few weeks. But are they still hanging out now that Paradise is done filming? After a quick Instagram deep dive, it appears that the answer is yes.
Yesterday, Tayshia posted this picture of herself fishing on a boat at sunset. Great pic, great sunset, 10/10. But the plot thickened when someone in the comments asked if she’s on JPJ’s boat. Wait, what?? Tayshia responded with a cryptic message about how she lives in Newport Beach, and there are lots of boats there too, but she didn’t actually answer the question. Then, Tayshia deleted the post altogether, which is definitely suspicious behavior.
First of all, this photo was not taken in Newport Beach. In the Betchelor podcast Facebook group, numerous California residents were quick to point out that this is not what sunsets in Newport Beach look like. It 100% looks like she is on a lake. I mean, there are trees in the background, and they’re not palm trees!
Aside from the location being questionable, there’s also the fact that the boat just like, is John Paul Jones’ boat. Here is a photo that JPJ recently posted of himself on said boat:
I mean, what else do I even need to say? Look at the cupholders. Look at the seat cushions. Look at the railings. It’s the same f*cking boat. Tayshia and John Paul Jones can play dumb all they want (and they’re probably contractually obligated not to say anything), but we’re all seeing right through it. I have a feeling that someone from production reached out to Tayshia and was like “Hey, you need to take this down, we can all tell you’re on JPJ’s boat.” I don’t blame her for feeling herself on the boat, but she seriously underestimated the sleuthing powers of Betchelor Nation.
So obviously Tayshia and John Paul Jones are still on good terms after Paradise, but I guess the main question is whether they’re in a real relationship, or whether Tayshia is pulling a Blake and buying a plane ticket “just to kiss.” I honestly don’t know if I have the capacity to get invested in any Paradise couple, except maybe Demi and her girlfriend. In general, I’m just here for the drama.
Images: ABC thebetchelor, johnpauljonesjohnpauljones / Instagram
From the first moment that ABC announced Hannah Brown as their new Bachelorette, I knew that we were in for six months of eye-rolls and idiotic pageant references. There’s nothing ABC loves more than an easy punchline (trigger warning: Colton’s virginity), and so you know they’re not going to miss a single opportunity to bring up sashes and tiaras and swimsuit competitions and ALABAMA. Well, we’ve now been #blessed with the first promo for Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette, and the verdict? I am already f*cking tired.
In the clip, which was premiered on Good Morning America today, Hannah B. traipses through a fairytale forest that looks like they tried to remake Avatar with no CGI budget. Hannah B. is wearing a tiara and a sash that says “BEAUTY QUEEN,” in case you couldn’t use your powers of deduction to figure out that she is, in fact, a beauty queen. She’s in a big white gown, but it’s one of the ones where it’s actually pants, and the skirt part is removable. If I had to guess, she’s going to take off the skirt at the end of this thing.
FIRST ON @GMA: The brand new @BacheloretteABC promo! Get your roses ready #BachelorNation! #TheBachelorette ? pic.twitter.com/55qmJzYipN
— Good Morning America (@GMA) April 5, 2019
As she wanders through the forest, she tosses aside the tiara, then the sash, then THE SKIRT. I WAS RIGHT. This is basically every sh*tty perfume commercial ever, and could also be mistaken for a Taylor Swift video from 2010. At least they’re going with a tried-and-true concept. Oh! And I almost forgot about the music! As Hannah explores the enchanted forest, with more bad CGI roses growing around her feet, we hear a stupid cover of “You Don’t Own Me,” the classic song about being a bad bitch who doesn’t need a man. Wait—isn’t the whole point of this show that Hannah B. does need a man? Mike Fleiss, I’m unimpressed by your mixed messages here.
We’re left with what is presumably the tagline for the new season, and man, it’s some of ABC’s best work, truly. THINK YOU KNOW HER? THINK AGAIN. Wow, I’m just struck by how creative and original that is. I mean, where do they even come up with this stuff? I’m just waiting for next year, when the Bachelorette tagline is probably going to be NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Gotta love the wordsmiths over at ABC.
Remember this tragedy?
So, what’s going to happen?? Will Hannah B. ever find her way out of the haunted forest? Will she save herself, or realize that she needs a knight in shining armor? Honestly, I’m not sure her motley crew of guys has any knights in shining armor, so hopefully she’s good on her own. We’ll all find out when The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 13, and you better believe we’ll be here ready to roast.
Images: ABC; @GMA / Twitter; Giphy
In case you missed it, everyone’s favorite male model, Jordan Kimball, was with us on Monday night to watch (and react to) The Men Tell All. After the episode, Jordan joined us on The Betchelor podcast, ready to spill the tea. To get all of the important info, you’ll need to listen to the full episode of The Betchelor in its entirety, but I’ve done you all the favor of highlighting some of the juicier tidbits from Jordan’s episode. You are so welcome in advance. Read below, and subscribe and rate The Betchelor on iTunes.
On Lincoln being a floor sh*tter…
“I never did see lincoln go to the restroom.”
On how he feels around Krystal…
“There’s this insert of me with Krystal, and it disturbs me. There’s such a hype around Krystal and I, and there’s such a low-key fear of me even looking into her eyes. I can’t even sit at the same table with her.”
On what you didn’t see from Jason…
“Jason was singing Disney songs every morning in the shower—they didn’t show all that.”
On Christian confronting him at the Men Tell All…
“Fun fact: Afterwards, he comes up to me and says ‘can I get a picture? I’m a big fan.’”
“If you’re gonna be the guy who’s not being himself but will call other people out for being themselves, then I’ve got every right to pull the trigger. With that being said, I like to give a girl a better catch than a chase. That’s where you find love. It breaks my heart that he’s 26 years old and has never done that”
On guys (Chris) not being real for the cameras…
Derek Peth: “When you guys were in Vegas, we were at the Aria too and we met with some of the producers. They said the thing with this season is that these guys, the producers feel were like, trained to say things. Instead of just being who they are and speaking from the heart, they try to be somebody or portray somebody else.”
Jordan: “Chris went in trying to be someone else and when that didn’t match with what’s going on, he flipped out. It actually started to happen in Utah, and he lost it on everyone. You know, ‘facade’ is Chris’ middle name. He tries so hard, it’s like you don’t have to try to be with us. The Florida crew, we’ve disowned him.”
And more on Chris…
“He struggled a lot with his identity, like ‘I’ve got this and that’, but God, that doesn’t mean you’re a dateable guy, that you’re lovable. First of all, the dog that he claims to be his isn’t even his. Who does that? I mean, I’m not gonna lie, the photos ABC requested for the show, I sent them photos of me with my brother’s dog. I wanna give that guy a hug.”
On Grocer Joe (plus a ‘Paradise’ sneak peek)…
“Joe, he doesn’t talk very much. He speaks from the gut and all he says is, ‘Yeah, she’s a great girl’. I love him. He just wants you to find what you need in his grocery store. There’s so much to look forward to with Joe and I in Paradise, I can say that much.”
On his ideal bodyguard…
“Here’s the cool thing though–you call Joe out, you will get a reaction out of him. Joe will put you on your ass. Oh yeah, he’s got some Italian steam behind him. I’m telling you, if I need a bodyguard, it’s gonna be grocery store Joe. He can beat him with some tomatoes and make great ketchup, I’m sure. A real bloody scene, you know.”
On shady social media pages…
“Okay, I’m gonna call someone out here. I’m really fed up with who runs the Bachelor ABC page because I think it’s someone who isn’t tied to the show from an ABC standpoint. I think it’s someone that’s just trying to campaign for people, and that’s my vibe right now, and there’s a lot of people campaigning for Jason right now. I don’t know if he’s paying them off…”
On whether Blake is genuine…
“No. I definitely think Garrett is genuine. He’s absolutely genuine. The only thing, though, the first night when I met him, I had to introduce myself to him six times. I’m like, listen, I’m not that guy who’s wearing an apron at the grocery store, I’m f*cking Jordan. You should recognize, you know?”
Listen to the full episode of this week’s Betchelor podcast for even more tea!