Get Rid Of Your Sh*t: Weekend Horoscopes May 7-9

Hug your mom, vow to eat more salad in time for summer, and embrace the weekend, everybody. It’s time, once again, to look to the stars and wonder if, just maybe, we’re in for something chill.

There’s already been so much good news this week. More people are getting vaccinated, Trump has been banned indefinitely from social media, we all have an equal chance of matching with Bill Gates on Tinder, and warmer weather is settling in. C’mon, stars—give us those positive vibes in our personal lives.

Taurus

Sleep in and get your dreams on, Taurus. The universe is going to unleash some weird sh*t once you’re asleep, so keep a notepad or your phone close by so you can jot down all the insane sh*t that goes through your brain. Venus is on the move Saturday night and Sunday, so use those vibes to explore your material possessions. Translated another way: Go through your old sh*t and the sh*t you don’t fit into and donate it.

Gemini

It’s all about friendship this weekend, Gemini, so if you and your besties have gotten vaccinated, go tf out and have a drunk brunch. Not vaccinated? I can think of no better lady date than heading to your nearest Walgreens together to get stuck with needles. The second half of the weekend you’ll be #feelingyourself , so make plans for a date night with your S.O. or take the plunge on that Tinder match you’ve been on the fence about.

Cancer

You’ll close out the workweek on a career high, Cancer, so carry that energy into the weekend. If you’ve been killin’ it at work, don’t be afraid to dedicate an hour or two to a project your boss wants done this Saturday. Continuing on that trend, maybe it’d be a good idea to grab a beer or two with a coworker on Saturday night. Team building and networking could pay off later, even if it’s kinda painful now.

Leo

Learn something new this weekend, Leo. Maybe you can open up that Duolingo app and pick your French back up, oui? Or maybe you can read a book by someone other than a former Bachelor contestant? Idk. Sunday you’ll feel the need to break out of the house and do something exciting, so we’d recommend a hike up the side of a mountain with a reward (see: alcohol) at the end.

Virgo

Communication is key this weekend, Virgo. Make time for phone calls with mom, meetups with friends, and long, drawn-out convos about nothing in particular with your S.O. Sunday is a great day to update your resume, peruse jobs and side hustles, and, just maybe, get a head start on a few work emails for Monday. The stars want you to succeed—go f*cking figure.

Libra

Plan to spend time with your S.O. or bestie this weekend, Libra, because the stars are lining up for great partnership vibes. Maybe you can bring up buying that patio set without a fight ensuing! Or maybe you can convince them that yes, a 10-day vacation is absolutely worth maxing out the credit cards. Like, you’ve been trapped for a year; you earned it.

Scorpio

Examine your self-care habits, Scorpio. Aside from drinking more water, eating real vegetables that don’t come on pizza/tacos/stir-fry, and cutting toxic people from your life, it may be a good weekend to have an important convo with someone close to you, like your mom or S.O. Self-care means upping that positive energy, babe, and you can’t do that with negative comments weighing you down.

Sagittarius

Time for projects, Sagittarius; and this weekend, that could mean anything from painting a random wall in your house because you saw it on Pinterest to doing #work on your boyfriend to psychologically push him to putting his f*cking wet towels in the hamper. Sunday is actually a great day for partnerships, so maybe projects related to, or involving, the latter could be fruitful.

Capricorn

Do work at home and on your turf this weekend, Capricorn. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s finally time to wash your sheets or dust your baseboards. The stars are actually pushing you to make your nest ideal in every way—and that includes having much needed convos with people you live with. Has your roommate crossed the line for the last time? Is your cat’s total lack of respect for you simply no longer tolerable? Communication is actually in your corner, so don’t be afraid to do some housekeeping of a different kind.

Aquarius

Read a book, Aquarius, or, better yet, take an online class—like one of those expensive cooking ones where you pay a bunch of money for Gordon Ramsey to yell at you. If you somehow can’t get that together by this weekend, we’d recommend dining out and learning about a new cuisine, or taking a hike and learning about which mushrooms to forage and which to like, really not touch.

Pisces

It’s all about money this weekend, Pisces. Examine your finances and try not to take stock advice from people on Reddit threads, even if their memes are hilarious. Instead, invest in something real, like whatever the opposite of Dogecoin is. Sunday is a great opportunity for you to relax and catch up on binge watching Sesame Street with the kids in your life. Elmo has some really catchy tunes lately, so you can look forward to those bops being stuck in your head.

Aries

You’re feeling on top of the world this weekend, Aries. Plan on honoring yourself all day Saturday by sleeping in, grabbing lunch and drinks with friends, then coming home early so you can be in bed by 9pm. Honestly, it’s all about balance. Use Sunday to get a head start on something that’s been a goal for awhile, like cooking your way through a complicated Bon Appétit recipe or hand-writing thank-you notes from your wedding two years ago.

Images: Marco Testi / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Maybe We Can Have Nice Things? Weekend Horoscopes April 30-May 2

Well friends, because time is a social construct, we’ve somehow already made it to May again. The fact that we’re already a third of the way through 2021 feels deeply wrong, but there’s nothing we can do about it, so this weekend we’ll just do our best to go with the flow. Europe just announced that vaccinated Americans can travel there over the summer; we haven’t had to use the phrase “the President tweeted…” in, like, a while; and our summer is looking up. Maybe the stars will align for a chill, relaxing weekend, too? Let’s dive in.

Taurus

Jazz snaps for you, Taurus! This weekend is going to be, as the kids say, “lit.” Plan to get out with friends on Saturday and, if you’re fully vaccinated, ditch the mask for outdoor hangs where you can actually SHOW OFF YOUR DOPE LIPSTICK. OMFG. Sunday, your boss may reach out with weekend work or a question, but it’s best to balance your professional self with some self-care (i.e. answer your boss or deal with projects while having a glass of wine).

Gemini

Try not to bicker this weekend, Gemini. The passion you feel could either start a fight over nothing, or be repurposed into some very good, very weird sexual energy. Lean into that sh*t. Things will calm down Sunday, and it’s a good opportunity to get out of the house and enjoy nature solo.

Cancer

Friday will end the workweek on a high note before you sprint into a romantic weekend, Cancer. You’ll be passionate, but volatile, so avoid topics with your S.O. that tend to start fights. Remember to pick your battles. Plan some time with friends on Saturday so you can take a breather before heading back home. Communication will be better on Sunday, so if you do need to pick a fight about something important—like how he hasn’t been showing enough interest in your dog’s daycare report cards—you’ll more easily find the words to get your point across.

Leo

Get creative af this weekend, Leo. The moon wants you to get your hands dirty, so maybe it’s time to tackle that kitchen reno, or like, something smaller, like replacing the knob that snagged your fav pants and tore a hole. Sunday will actually be a great day to convince your friend or partner to help you with said project, since the moon is making you smooooooth with your words and negotiation skills.

Virgo

Stay home and snuggle up in your sweatpants in the AC, Virgo. Even if it’s beautiful outside, it’s cool to stay on the couch and admire from afar. Less allergies to contend with, right? Yeah. Like literally everyone else, you could experience some tongue-tying in the beginning of the weekend, leading to misunderstandings. The best solution? Don’t f*cking talk to people after work on Friday, and keep your lips closed until Saturday night. That’ll teach the stars to f*ck with us.

Libra

Overall, you’re in for a nice, boring lil weekend, Libra. Shocker—spirits are high on Friday after work, and it’s a good night to go out and grab a bite with friends. Saturday, you may experience a bit of a mood shift because #planets , but it should die down in time for you to enjoy a quiet night at home with good, greasy Mexican food and a Netflix murder doc.

Scorpio

Maybe like, isolate yourself a little this weekend, Scorpio—at least on Friday and part of Saturday. The planets are gearing up to make anything you say come off meaner than usual, so sensitive friends beware. Instead, use your energy to do something artsy and creative, like painting your boyfriend’s car with watercolors or creating a sculpture out of face masks, IDFK. Communication gets back on track on Sunday, so call your mom and ask about the money she still owes you from your 15th birthday party.

Sagittarius

Money and material are the theme for the weekend, Sagittarius. Start the weekend off right by not adding an extra appetizer to your DoorDash order on Friday night. It’s those kinds of adult decisions (that, and avoiding avocado toast) that’ll clearly set you up for success long-term. Saturday and Sunday the responsibility continues, so try not to blow money on dumb sh*t. Instead, strong-arm your friends into buying you drinks if you go out.

Capricorn

Steer clear of topics that will cause disagreements in the beginning of the weekend, Capricorn, because come the end of the weekend, you’ll be really putting that communications degree to good use. If your schedule and vaccine status allow, head out of town with your S.O. and soak in the scenery away from home. Taking a breath of fresh non-stale non-house/apartment air will do you both good.

Aquarius

Avoid work drama on Friday, Aquarius, unless you want more work over the weekend. Stay out of office politics completely, and scoot out early to snag drinks with a friend. Saturday is for sleeping in and exploring whatever weird dreams you’ve been having lately. Who knows, the universe could give you some weird insight into the important convos you need to have with a close friend or family member on Sunday.

Pisces

Like everyone else, there’s potential for some disagreement on Friday and Saturday, Pisces, so we recommend drinking to the point of blackout one or both days so you and your bestie/S.O. don’t remember what you argued about. Honestly, that seems like a solid solution. The rest of the weekend should be spent nursing a hangover and driving the struggle bus before you head back to a SH*TTY workweek on Monday. Godspeed.

Aries

Have fun this weekend, Aries. Ya know, avoid drama, grab drinks, befriend your Uber driver, make out with a stranger—don’t, no, wait—not yet. Soon. Plan to enjoy the weather with a low-key dinner and drinks party outdoors with a few close friends. You can test out that f*cking banana bread recipe you absolutely perfected in quarantine.

Images: Belle Ensor / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Sometimes Self-Care Is Ghosting Everyone: Weekend Horoscopes April 23-25

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Bye, Aries! Take your toxic moods and GET. It seems like, even though Aries has left the building, we’re still going to be dealing with some nasty moods this weekend, thanks to the Libra moon. We recommend puppies, long walks, vacations in Bora Bora, and having millions of dollars. Okay, so only half of that list is actually doable. Puppies and long walks it is!

Taurus

It’s your time to shine, Taurus, so try to make it worthwhile this weekend by leaving the couch, eating something other than your microwave cooking for once (sad!), and not checking your work email. You’ll have a surplus of energy this weekend, so spend it on some sort of creative endeavor on Saturday. Paint a picture, do chalk art in your driveway—IDFC. The moon is actually going to help you reach a goal come Sunday, so why not combine the two and start some sort of house DIY Saturday then threaten your S.O. until he finishes it on Sunday? Goal achieved!

Gemini

It’s totally grool if you want to be a homebody this weekend, Gemini. The universe wants you to put on your sh*ttiest sweatpants and clean your house just so you can feel accomplished, which is like, really thoughtful. Beware, though—the stars may have you feeling frustrated for no reason Saturday morning, so if you’re starting to identify with the serial killers on the murder docs you’re watching, it could be time to step away and take a bath/drink a bottle of wine/go for a jog.

Cancer

Give yourself some time, space, and allowance to ghost literally everyone this weekend, Cancer. You’ll find the need to pull away, so if eating lunch solo at a nice f*cking restaurant for brunch on Saturday just so you can experience some goddamn peace and quiet feels right—go for it. Luckily, by Sunday you’ll feel able to interact with other human beings, so maybe you can muster the energy to grab a seltzer with a friend.

Leo

Money, #mood, and your mouth can sum up your weekend Leo. First, keep an eye on your finances—things could go poorly if you decide to blow a ton of money on something you don’t need. I know the Reformation dress is cute, but you have nowhere to wear it. Secondly, you’ll feel the need to communicate a lot this weekend, but the stars are making your words extra spicy, and not in a cute way. Watch your mouth, and watch your money.

Virgo

After work on Friday, spend some time spoiling yourself, Virgo. Take the long way home, listen to weird music, spend quality time with your sex toys—whatever gets you going. On Saturday, the moon in Libra is making you feel too many feelings, so try to relax and hang around people who are least likely to get on your nerves. That sh*t luckily passes by Sunday, and you’ll be back to kicking ass and not cry over dumb sh*t.

Libra

You’d think that the moon in your sign this weekend would be awesome, Libra, but you could be wrong. You’ll have some wacky dreams Friday, so plan to sleep late on Saturday in an effort to stay in that dream world where you’re banging Brad Pitt and avoid the feelings-fest that’s due to happen Saturday. Try not to pick fights; they’re liable to blow tf up. Things should cool down by Sunday, so if you did start a fight, we suggest making it up to that person with a bottle of wine, or something equally heartfelt.

Scorpio

See some friends, do some stuff, and drink a drink, Scorpio. This weekend starts off with a desire to be social, so plan an evening out for Friday with some close friends. Saturday you’ll actually want to be away from people, so, all the more reason to go hard Friday night so you can nurse your hangover the day after. Sunday, the solitude mood continues, so get some organizing out of the way and weed through your pajama collection. If it’s more than 10 years old, it’s time to say bye.

Sagittarius

Get mad, Sagittarius. The moon vs. your own star vibes on Friday may result in a sh*tty mood, but luckily by Saturday morning you should be back on your regular bullsh*t (the fun kind). It’s actually a good few days to try and accomplish a goal. So, if you’ve been trying to run a mile in under 15 minutes, bake a cake without burning it, or finish a Netflix series in one sitting, it’s your time to shine.

Capricorn

Deal with all the sh*t you’ve been putting off, Capricorn. Or, at least whatever you can manage to take care of in one weekend. Maybe you can manage to take the trash out AND mail a return. Saturday you may want to be wary of your words, as they could start a fight between you and your S.O. Be extra nice to them this weekend—they’re going to be feeling a little delicate. If you’re bored on Sunday, peruse stocks that Reddit tells you to buy. Maybe you’ll stumble on the next Dogecoin.

Aquarius

Check in on any shared assets you have with your partner this weekend, Aquarius. Maybe you can get your adult on and refinance your house or pay off one of your student loans (lol). Give yourself space, though, if you start feeling extra irritable. The moon and Mars are teaming up to make you feel extra moody.

Pisces

Plan a date night, Pisces. It’s been a while since you had a night out with your S.O., so make it a point to get away in the romantic sense on Friday or Saturday night. The passion can go either way, though, so choose your battles and don’t pick at dumb sh*t to start a fight, even though being right is *the best*. If you’re single, plan a few outings where you can easily run into people (with masks on) and potentially bump into someone special. Not like, literally though, because #pandemic.

Aries

Take care of yourself this weekend, Aries. If you’ve been uber focused on work lately, it’s time to step back and do something else—especially on Saturday. Unplug, go for a run, or just zone out while eating pizza and rewatching Puppy Dog Pals with your kid. There’s potential for a fight on Sunday with your partner, so try to avoid confrontation even if he’s being an idiot.

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Maybe Try Therapy: Weekend Horoscopes April 16-18

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Welp, here we are again, praying that the universe is kind this weekend and that Aries—that tricky, fickle bitch—doesn’t cause unnecessary drama, fights, or #feelings just because it doesn’t have any zodiac friends. Like, don’t take it out on us, Aries. Maybe it’s time you gave therapy a try.

Anyway, maybe this is the weekend that things go super right and everyone is in a great mood? We can hope.

Aries

It’s probably best you aren’t around people the first half of the weekend, Aries, since you’re likely to blow up and say mean, hurtful things without really meaning them. Luckily, by Saturday evening the fog will have lifted and you’ll be sorta nice again. Use Sunday to rearrange sh*t in your house so you can feel like you paid someone a bunch of money for interior design work. It’ll be fun.

Taurus

Your brain won’t STFU or turn off this weekend Taurus, and although that’s usually really f*cking annoying, you should use it to your own benefit. If you’ve been trying to impress your boss, tackle that work project you’ve been putting off. If you hate work and are looking for your big break, this weekend is the time to write your memoir or pursue becoming some kind of influencer. Idk if it’ll work (probs not), but the stars are telling you to believe in yourself, so go for it.

Gemini

You’re dying to be the life of the party, so head out somewhere you can socially distance on Saturday and surround yourself (from six feet away) with people who will soak up your awesomeness. Sunday is all about adult sh*t, though, so stick close to home and go through your spending from the last week. You may find that you’ve gone a little off the rails with takeout this month, so maybe it’s time to research meal planning and easy recipes.

Cancer

Chill tf out, Cancer. You may have some trouble powering down on Friday night, but if you can’t sleep, maybe you can do something productive, like a puzzle, or the dishes that have been there since Tuesday. Saturday will be much more relaxed, so plan on sticking close to home and wearing a lot of stretchy loungewear.

Leo

You’re dying to be social this weekend, Leo, so make plans with some friends after work on Friday and find a restaurant or bar where you can tip well, support local, and get maybe a little bit tipsy. Nurse your hangover on Saturday with some much needed r&r in the form of Netflix murder mysteries, then head to bed early because the universe wants to fill your head with some weird dreams.

Virgo

Work sucks, Virgo, and you’re kind of fighting the urge to let a string of inappropriate no-no words fly at your boss on Friday. Calm down, leave, and use the weekend to recharge, update that resume, and try to get your head around the whole situation. The moon is like, “talk to a friend,” so take that advice and call up some of your favs for a “what would you do” chat.

Libra

Consider the stars your excuse for getting off the couch this weekend, Libra. Plan a long hike (maybe, like, with wine at the end as a reward) so you can be one with nature on Saturday, and make a conscious effort to keep your phone/computer/screens off and away for at least the day. You may have to deal with some work stuff on Sunday, but it won’t be anything you can’t handle after a margarita or two.

Scorpio

If something has been bothering you, get to the bottom of it this weekend, Scorpio. Maybe you’ve wanted to tackle a few subjects with your S.O., like vacuuming duties or how often he’s been doing Zoom happy hours. Just keep it light, and you should be able to weed through some bullsh*t. Sunday is for funsies, so make time to go out and grab a glass or wine with a friend.

Sagittarius

You’ll need some deep breathing in order to not be the next subject of a murder doc this weekend, Sagittarius. Your S.O. is going to get on your last f*cking nerve, so instead of screaming through it, just get out of the house for the day. Plan a dinner out with your partner on Sunday once you’ve both had some time to breathe and be apart. Maybe some weird makeup sex thrown in for good measure? Idk, you do you.

Capricorn

Ignore work drama, Capricorn, even if a parking lot fist fight between those two toxic bros in accounting is A+ entertainment heading into the weekend. Saturday the moon is all about highlighting your partnerships, so whether you’re in a committed relationship, need time with your bestie, or want to schedule a mommy date, set a few hours aside to be with someone whose company you enjoy.

Aquarius

Sexy times are in store this weekend, Aquarius. If you’re in a relationship, schedule a date night with your S.O. either at your fav restaurant or at home with pizza, sweats, and a movie you can text through. Then, plan a long, fun romp in bed. You deserve it. If you’re single, now is absolutely the time to meet up with your Tinder crush. Keep it casual, like a few beers at a brewery, a walk in the park, or a nacho-eating contest. It could lead to big sh*t.

Pisces

You may feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, Pisces. Instead of blowing up at your friends and fam, use your creative, moody energy to do hot girl sh*t around the house, like painting a wall, refurbishing that old dresser, or just perusing home improvement boards on Pinterest. Even if your project doesn’t end up like your vision, at least you’ll have kept from having dumb arguments with people you actually like.

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Images: Brian Wangenheim / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Don’t Catch Flights *Or* Feelings: Weekend Horoscopes April 9-11

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The weekend is here, the weather isn’t horrible, people are getting vaccinated, and maybe, just maybe, there’s some light at the end of the this long, sh*tty tunnel. Idk about you, but the prospect of going on vacation or lying on a beach is really starting to appeal to me. Don’t get me wrong, I love social distancing and telling strangers to step back every chance I get. I’ll probably do it for the rest of my life. It just might be nice to do that in a different location, you know? Anyway, here’s what the stars predict for you this weekend.

Aries

Work from home on Friday so you can be ready to tear sh*t up Saturday and Sunday. The moon is playing nice this weekend, so plan to make big changes—from your curtains, to your hair, to your attitude about your job. Whether you do better tackling large life feelings and changes alone or with friends is up to you—just be ready to be in your existential feelings about who you are and wtf you’re doing.

Taurus

Emotional rollercoasters ahead, Taurus. Plan to spend some time powering down this weekend and reconnecting with nature, since your moods are about to be all over the f*cking place. Maybe try journaling under a tree, or relaxing in a hammock, or getting blackout at a winery. You do you. Just prepare for the the onslaught of emotions.

Gemini

The Aries moon is making you feel a little off this weekend, Gemini, so don’t be surprised if you’re extra touchy, sensitive, or snappy around friends and fam. Plan on using Saturday to quietly clean or watch a bunch of murder docs. Sunday can be for catching up on work emails, laying in the sun, and spending quality time with your dog.

Cancer

Get out, enjoy the weather, and live a little, Cancer. This weekend the moon is actually making decent moves for you, and you’ll be the center of attention and the life of the party wherever you end up. Host a grill-centric dinner party Saturday with a few close friends, or plan on morning brunch with your besties Sunday. Just make sure you get a good amount of rest, relaxation, and play in; this next work week is going to blow.

Leo

Energy is your middle name this weekend, Leo. You’re going to want to tackle all the things, from deep cleaning your apartment to f*cking off in Target for hours to calling your mom to having marathon sex with your partner. Chill out, and choose like, maybe one or two things to focus on. Sleeping in on Saturday is actually going to be way better than spending your paycheck on sh*t you don’t need.

Virgo

Mars and Neptune are f*cking sh*t up in regards to you knowing what you want, Virgo. Take some time Friday night to be alone and do the whole introspection thing. Wake up on Saturday ready to communicate with your partner about what you really need in your relationship. The stars may actually help you get get it.

Libra

It’s all about relationships this weekend, Libra. If you’ve been meaning to delve into deep sh*t with your S.O., or have a come-to-Jesus moment with your mom, or maybe cut that toxic friend out of your life, this is the weekend to do it. Time alone on Friday to get your thoughts together before any big convos could be helpful, so maybe book yourself a yoga class complete with a solo wine and dine for the evening.

Scorpio

Even though everyone else is on the struggle bus during Aries season, you seem to be thriving, Scorpio. Take advantage of your good mood and call up some of your favs to hang with this weekend. An outdoor porch with bottomless mimosas sounds primo. Use Sunday to take some time for yourself before the Monday work meltdown hits.

Sagittarius

Hooray for creativity, Sagittarius. Get your HGTV on and do some projects around the house or outdoors. Maybe it’s time to head to Home Depot and figure out how to make a container garden on your patio that’ll piss your downstairs neighbors off! If you’re not into planting sh*t or are afraid of horticultural murder, maybe opt for painting a picture or drawing something for your S.O. He’ll love that.

Capricorn

Avoid drama and be nice this weekend, Capricorn. The Aries planets are making you miserable and liable to start a fight, just like the rest of us. But they’re also highlighting family, so instead of arguing about sh*t, make a genuine effort to be compassionate, say nice things, and scream into a pillow instead of into someone’s face. It’s all about balance.

Aquarius

Grab your favorite person and head out on a short weekend trip, Aquarius. The universe is pushing you to leave the couch and explore, and since you can’t really book a trip to Bali right now without everyone thinking you’re an asshole, maybe a quick drive to that cute mountain town a few hours away will abate your wanderlust for a hot sec. It will also help you feel closer to whichever friend, S.O., or family member you decide to drag with you.

Pisces

Pay attention to money this weekend, Pisces. More so than keeping track of your budget and not blowing your paycheck on sh*t you don’t need, it may be a good time to explore stocks and investing in something a teeny bit risky and something super safe. Ask your friend in finance if you need advice and don’t pull out of your 401(k).

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Time To Defrost Your Social Skills: Weekend Horoscopes April 2-4

Adios, March! Time to welcome April, also known as the rainy month that brings on the warm weather. Just think: we’re that much closer to summer. Maybe it’ll be a real summer. Like, with vacations, and tanning, and bottomless mimosas, and regret. Gosh, I missed irresponsibility.

Anyway, the stars are here to make your weekend maybe a little better? Little worse? Honestly, who knows anymore.

Aries

It’s a great weekend for your self-esteem, Aries. Basically, if you’ve been in the mood to recreate your wardrobe/gym routine/habits/self in general, this is the time to do it. The stars are going to make it difficult to focus on much else, anyway. Also, be careful of sh*t you say that could be hurtful without you intending it to be. You may come off a bit more flippant than usual.

Taurus

Listen to your gut this weekend, Taurus; and not just if it’s telling you, yes, you do need the Quesalupa Combo Meal from Taco Bell for lunch because, dammit, you earned it. Meditate, journal, go for a walk in (ugh) nature, and call your mom. If you’ve been having doubts about your job, relationship, or wtf you’re doing in life, it’s time to sit down and give those thoughts some room.

Gemini

You’re all about helping others this weekend, Gemini, so if you’ve been just dying to get your inner philanthropist on, it’s your time to shine. Volunteer at an animal shelter, donate a bunch of old-but-still-fashionable clothes, offer to babysit for your mommy friend who (I can promise you) is overwhelmed. Or just go small and donate some money to Planned Parenthood in the name of any Republican congressperson or senator. They LOVE that sh*t.

Cancer

How’s that career working out for you, Cancer? If the answer is “ugh” or “f*ck off”, then maybe it’s time to update the ol’ resume, scour the internet, and sign up for those business classes that, yes, you can take online. You don’t do anything on Thursday nights, anyway. You absolutely have time.

Leo

Get out of the house the weekend, Leo. Grab your S.O. and head out for a picnic in the sunshine so you can totally day drink. You’re also going to be dying to go on some sort of adventure, so even if it’s just a trip downtown, to a restaurant, or even to Restoration Hardware, make sure you make plans.

Virgo

It’s an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, Virgo. Lean in and break out the rom-coms, Taylor Swift Spotify station, and sweats. It’s okay to move away from your planned, logical, Type-A side every once in awhile. Sh*t, have mimosas and waffles for breakfast on Saturday and Sunday while you’re at it. Order brunch and don’t look at the menu beforehand. Live wildly.

Libra

Aries is f*cking sh*t up in your relationships this weekend, Libra. It doesn’t have to be a knockdown, drag-out fight, though. Listen, be open, and stop making winning the argument the ultimate objective. By Sunday, things will have cooled down, and you can try to channel that rage into some weird, but interesting, end-of-weekend sex. Hooray!

Scorpio

Take care of yourself this weekend, Scorpio. You’ve been focused on work, your relationships, your house, your mom—literally everyone and everything except you this week. Schedule some time for a solo brunch, massage, pedi, and long walk to clear your mind. Don’t feel guilty about canceling plans or saying no. Leave your work email alone; it’ll be there on Monday.

Sagittarius

You’re literally exploding with love this weekend, Sagittarius. The planets are influencing your passion, so don’t be surprised if you call your mom/dad/brother/bestie and go on and on about how amazing they are. Likewise, try not to smother your partner. You know that three rounds in the bedroom is about all he can handle for the evening. Sunday is a great day to tackle house projects, so turn that passion for people into passion for dusting so you can fully embrace the whole spring cleaning vibe.

Capricorn

Aries continues to f*ck sh*t up for you, too, this weekend, Capricorn. Little tiffs over who last emptied the dishwasher could easily turn into full-fledged screaming matches about that time he didn’t pick you up from the airport three years ago and was hungover at that first meeting with your parents. The moon on Sunday should cool things off, so maybe stay away from people and arguments by spending some time outdoors.

Aquarius

Calm down, Aquarius. We get that this weekend has made you feel so f*cking popular, but it’s important that you space out your outings, have some time for yourself, and don’t tell your boss you can work late or, like, ever on a Saturday. Make sure that the people and/or things that you do commit to mean a lot to you and care for you. Like, committing to watching murder dramas on Netflix or committing to brunch with your bestie who loves to compliment you seems like a wonderful way to spend a weekend. Cleaning? Not so much.

Pisces

Don’t blow your money on dumb sh*t, Pisces. I realize that Alexa has been listening to your internal and external thoughts and the ad targeting has been PRIIIIMO, but, honestly, you don’t need the porch set/lifetime supply of Sour Patch Kids/treadmill right now. Instead, focus on your budget this weekend, and PLAN for a big, cool purchase that you actually need.

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Valentine’s Vibe Check: Weekend Horoscopes Feb. 12-14

Happy Valentine’s, Palentine’s, Galentine’s or Single Awareness Weekend, fam. Since going out is still kind of frowned upon and no one is going to see your lipstick under that mask anyway, might I suggest Netflix and chilling with some takeout? Sh*t, throw on your comfiest sweatpants and redo your messy bun; it’s a special occasion, after all. What do the planets have in store for us during this star-crossed weekend? Let’s dive in.

Aquarius

Love yourself, Aquarius. We know it’s Valentine’s weekend and all, but it’s important during these few days off that you remember to take care of your bod, mind, and spirit, too. If that means a bubble bath while your camera is off on Zoom on Friday, go for it. If it means jogging while listening to old school emo, you do you. If it means booking an all-inclusive vacay to Bermuda for 2023 (we’ll be safe by then, right?) go for it.

Pisces

Your ruling planet, Neptune, wants you to remind everyone what a great person you are, Pisces. Use the weekend to show how capable of love you are by calling old friends, buying something cute for your S.O., and not arguing with your mom even though she’s super wrong. Don’t leave yourself out, either. If showing love and gratitude means buying yourself that $200 dress you have no place to wear—whatever, do it.

Aries

The stars will have you full-on being nice this weekend, Aries. It’s a bit out of character for you, but embrace it and show the world that you’re not an asshole ALL the time. On Saturday, wake up late, but early enough to make your partner breakfast—even if it’s just coffee and burnt toast (it’s the thought that counts). Sunday maybe (since it’s Valentine’s Day) you could order something your partner likes, even if vegan açai bowls aren’t your jam.

Taurus

You’re charming af this weekend, Taurus. If you’re single, make plans to see someone—anyone—be it in person over drinks or via a Zoom date. If you’re part of a pair, your partner is probably going to be all.over.you. this weekend, so prepare yourself for all that energy. On Sunday, you’ll feel the desire to be extra kind, so drop off some clothes, toiletries, and goods at the local women’s shelter, then unwind with takeout from your favorite pizza place.

Gemini

You’re a barrel of f*cking fun this weekend, Gemini. Seriously, everyone wants to be around you. Since you can’t really throw a party in your own honor, opt for meeting up with a few friends somewhere with outdoor seating; brunch with one or two besties; or just making your S.O. tell you how pretty you are. On that note, make sure you pay some extra special attention to your partner; they need love, too.

Cancer

The stars want you to nurture everyone and everything around you this weekend, Cancer. Since it’s Valentine’s Day, spoil your sweetheart with dinner out (or in), and whatever else is allowed during a pandemic. If you’re single, nurture some plants; or maybe it’s finally time to bite the bullet and get a puppy. Cats are easier, but they’re too bitchy for me.

Leo

Venus wants you to connect deeply with your partner this weekend, Leo, so we recommend whipping out the handcuffs and lingerie you’ve been saving and getting down to business. Sex aside, it’ll also be a great weekend for meaningful conversation, so if there’s been something on your mind, now’s the time to discuss. The stars are foreseeing little if any conflict, so don’t be afraid to throw it all out there.

Virgo

Mercury and Venus want you to lean in fully to the Valentine’s vibes this weekend, Virgo. If you’re part of a pair, spoil your partner with gifts (including your bod, if that’s how you wanna play it). If you’re single, show your tribe how much they mean to you and schedule a day out at a winery where you can soak up each other’s awesomeness.

Libra

Creativity and love are on the docket this weekend, Libra, so if you’ve been dying to tackle a bathroom remodel, paint a wall, or just peruse Zillow for houses you can’t afford with your beloved, by all means, this is the time to do it. You’ll be feeling more romantic than usual, so lean in fully to Valentine’s Day and make some glitter and macaroni cards for your S.O. to put in his home office. I’m sure he’ll love it.

Scorpio

Give your love to everyoneeeee, Scorpio. Well, not like, toxic people or potential serial killers —you get it. Use this weekend of love to not only spoil your soulmate, but to send little gifts to friends and family, too. Make a giant batch of homemade truffles and bag them up for people you don’t hate. Bake pies or cupcakes and leave them for your lonelier neighbors. Volunteer at an animal shelter to snuggle all the dogs. Basically, just be a nice person. You can go back to being an asshole on Monday.

Sagittarius

Speak from your heart, Sagittarius. Whether it’s talking about your #feelings to your boss on Friday or finally telling that idiot you’re dating that you really, really dig him, being straightforward and leaning in to the whole Valentine’s vibe this weekend will go great for you.

Capricorn

Listen to your heart, Capricorn. This weekend is all about love, but you need to take some time for yourself, too. After work on Friday, head out for a glass of wine or giant beer on your own. Self care is important. The rest of the weekend is for quiet cuddling with your S.O., or, if you’re single, scrolling through dating apps with your besties on FaceTime.

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A Lot Of Feelings: Weekend Horoscopes February 5-7

Welcome to February, where snow, ice, and cold reign supreme, and my sweatpants have an actual job to do in keeping me warm and not just serving as my only comfy article of clothing during covid times. We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, for those that still believe time isn’t just a social construct, so, there’s that. It’s not like you should be eating out at restaurants, but whatever.

The stars are serving up everything from craving connection to wanting independence this weekend, so good luck navigating all the emotions. Should be fun!

Aquarius

You’re craving connection this weekend, Aquarius. Since a girls’ trip to a spa/Italy/wine country isn’t exactly in the cards ATM, plan for a group FaceTime during the big game on Sunday so you can all watch the commercials together. Or, plan for an outdoor brewery adventure with just one or two close pals so you can like, see other human beings in real life.

Pisces

What are your goals, Pisces? It’s good practice to sit back and think about what you want longterm from relationships, your career, your nest, etc. this weekend. Since these are covid times, it may be best to write down your goals so you can laugh at them later. Like, maybe one of your goals for 2020 was to “get out more” or “travel the world”. That’s f*cking hilarious now, right? Goals for 2021 could be as easy as “leave the couch for one hour each day” and “step outdoors.”

Aries

If you have chores, work, and other un-fun sh*t to get to this weekend, try to get it all out of the way on Friday night, Aries. The stars are aligning to help you get super accomplished in whatever you attack, so be productive and leave your weekend for play. Once Saturday hits, you’ll be dying to get outdoors, so try to schedule a run, hike, or snowman-building with your friends’ kids. There can be boozy hot chocolate afterwards.

Taurus

You’ll be itching for independence and codependence this weekend, Taurus, which is confusing af. Basically, the moon on Saturday wants you to focus on your partner, but you’ll be ready to fight anyone who “threatens” your ability to do your own thing. You may need to walk a tightrope to appease both sides of yourself. If nothing else, plan the weekend you want, and tell your S.O. to tag along.

Gemini

Partnership, communication, and tough sh*t are on the docket this weekend, Gemini. You’ve been pushing down some deeply held feelings regarding a relationship for awhile now, and this weekend presents a good opportunity to share those concerns. Yah, you may have a fight or even lose said relationship. But better now than Valentine’s Day weekend, right?

Cancer

Hooray for creativity, Cancer! Get your hands dirty in the pursuit of art this weekend. Try out watercolors, paint a wall, change out the knobs on all your cabinets, draw a picture of a butterfly—whatever. You’ll feel the urge on Saturday to get healthier and change up your routine, too, so attack that feeling on Sunday with a morning jog, less creamer in your coffee, and investing in a FitBit or Apple Watch so you can see just how inactive you are.

Leo

Relationships are front and center this weekend, Leo. If you’ve been dying to have a mushy, lovey weekend with your S.O., plan for it this weekend and not Valentine’s Day when everyone else will be doing nice sh*t, too. It’s also a prime time to have those tough conversations with your partner if you haven’t stirred the pot recently. Even if you have to make some hard decisions, it’ll turn out for the best down the road.

Virgo

Concentrate on your nest and the people in it this weekend, Virgo. Use Friday after work to tidy up at home, then spend the rest of your free time with the people you can tolerate. Cuddle up with your S.O. over a wholesome serial killer documentary. Go for a walk with your mom on Saturday so you can hear her complain in person about the governor.

Libra

You’ve got a lot of energy this weekend, Libra, so don’t squander it scrolling through your phone and being bored. Tackle the project of re-potting all your plants this weekend, then buy some interesting plant stands and set them up around your apartment. You’ll also want to make a point of driving around this weekend, so pick a scenic spot and take a ride. Basically, the moon and stars are pushing creativity and little adventures, so try to combine those things without going overboard.

Scorpio

You’ve got a lot of feelings this weekend, Scorpio, so try to ride it out without losing your patience. Friday will be an exercise in self-reflection and finances, so examine your budget or lack thereof and adjust accordingly. Saturday your focus will switch to home and fam, so call up your besties and have a Zoom mimosa and bitch sesh. Sunday you’ll be dying to leave the house, and the good news is walking around outside is free, so get at it.

Sagittarius

Skip work Friday if you can, Sagittarius, and give yourself a much-needed break with a three-day weekend. Whether you choose to spend it worrying about what you’re missing at work or taking a short weekend trip is up to you. The moon wants you to explore sh*t, so try to at least leave the house. If you need to settle for eating Taco Bell on a park bench, that’ll work, though.

Capricorn

Be a shoulder to lean on this weekend, Capricorn. You may have a friend or three that’s been having a tough go of it lately. Reach out with a phone call, offer to go for a drive, or make plans for lunch, wine, and lots of listening and nodding. Don’t be surprised if your S.O. is the one that needs a little extra attention, too.

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