John Cusack royally fucked us (no pun intended) the night he decided to stand outside Diane’s house and serenade her with a boom box over his head until she was forced to tell him to stfu. Since then, thanks to every other improbable modern-day romcom, we’ve been fooled into thinking borderline stalker romantic gestures like that are actual things. Like, I can’t even get a guy to flirt with me long enough to get annoyed by it. Anyway, if there’s one thing more pathetic than a classic romcom airport sprint out of pure desperation, it’s the art of romcom fuckery and its unrealistic perfection no matter where the task is performed. Sure, crafty sex scenes make for great study material, but think about it—do you ever actually see the outcomes? The answer is no, because it’s not a fucking thing. Look, I get it—duty calls, sometimes where you least expect it, and I couldn’t give less fucks where you choose to fork it out, but taking your shag sesh into unfuckable territory is like signing up for a group project—great in theory, but 12 times out of 10, you’ll end up frustrated and blaming your partner for their shitty performance. So
whomever whatever you do, don’t repeat my mistakes, and avoid boning in these v overrated places at all costs (unless maybe you’re Christian Grey).
1. The Shower
I’m sorry, but who hasn’t been personally victimized by shower sex? The main reason for this failure is that no normal, struggling adult human actually owns a shower bigger than a vacuum closet, but when it comes to sex, the last thing that should be wet and slippery is the playing field. The first thing? Fucking duh, but don’t expect your platinum vagine to sustain prime-moisture (ew omg “moist!”) once Harold from upstairs flushes the toilet, causing the water flow to surpass the average boiling temp and your leg to slip out from under you during mediocre standing-up sex. Music videos might make this shit look effortless, but nobody comes out of a shower looking like a naturally gleaming Shay Mitchell. Not even Shay Mitchell. So unless for some god-awful reason you’re wearing waterproof mascara or a shower cap, that “glow” you’re thinking of is nothing but a mixture of sweat and disappointment.
2. The Beach
We’ve all secretly dreamt of telling a story about lusting over a short-lived fling while doing the deed on a secluded beach during those warm summer nights…K, sit the fuck down, Danny Zuko. This is why they invented a cocktail called “sex on the beach”, because actually having sex on a beach requires you to ease the discomfort with like, six of them right after. Think about it: since when is the beach ever not windy, so say goodbye to that overpriced Dry Bar blowout. And it’s more likely you won’t be conveniently prepared with a towel, so now you’re forced to fuck on the lifeguard tower where half the high school population lost their virginities. Also, you knew this was coming: sand. The fucking sand. That shit is like the herpes of the earth—you’ll still be pulling it out of certain crevices weeks later, so really, need I say more?
3. The Backseat Of A Car
Question for you: Are we still in 10th grade? Now where was I? Nobody who’s had decent sex would ever resort to the backseat to bang one out. First off, idk what genius implanted into the Y.A.-millennial minds that “smaller” is better and more practical, but try having sex in the backseat of a Fiat and then we can talk. I’m also just gonna assume that if you’re doing it in his car, his mom just gave him gas money after telling him to clean his room before he left to pick you up. And that musty stench you’re probably wondering about? You’re now breathing in his sweaty ballsack residue from last week’s gym shorts.
But mostly, I blame Kate Winslet for this mess. Honestly, the first time I watched the sex scene in Titanic, I saw everything through my hand covering my eyes (which says a lot about me now), so fast forward 15 years and too much car sex experience to shamelessly admit later, I now know that her hand sliding down the window was not the product of a steamy DiCaprio-gifted orgasm, but more along the lines of a desperate gasp for air in an overheated crammed space with a seatbelt buckle wedged under her ass. Spare yourself the torture.
4. The Jacuzzi
Oooooo jacuzzis are so sexual because you’re already half naked, and the bubbles give added mystery! Remember that thing we learned about in 7th grade science class? It’s called friction. Before you go in for kill, know that you’re literally going against the laws of physics when the water washes away your natural lubricant you worked so hard to get during that 12 minutes of underwater humping. Also, I don’t mean to go all WebMD on you, but it’s fucking disgusting. It’s gross enough soaking in your own bathtub filth, but jacuzzis are like the holy grail of community disease. So moral of the story, don’t have jacuzzi sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
5. Your Parents’ Bed
If somebody were to voluntarily tell me a story that began with “we fucked in my parents’ bed”, I would immediately make my way over to the nearest window, and plummet to my death. Next.
6. The Kitchen Counter
What is this, Discovery Channel? Unless you’ve actually inherited the kitchen of Gordon Ramsey, or the cleanliness of my mother over the holidays, I will not be placing my bare ass anywhere near your rotting fruit bowl or your 7-piece CutCo knife set. Sure, the kitchen is filled with necessary foreplay assets, like whipped cream and syrup, but chances are, if you feel the urgent need to set up camp on the kitchen counter, you’ll have already decided to forgo said toppings, or foreplay, or hell, a condom for that matter. Plus, I’ve spent more money than I’m willing to admit on Pilates classes so my ass doesn’t look like a fucking chicken cutlet, and the last thing any girl would want is to actually smell like one.
7. An Airplane Bathroom
I’d be lying if I said that joining the Mile-High Club isn’t the top bucket list item on my phone notepad, but the idea itself is fucking dumb. Unless you’re Kylie Jenner on a private plane and whatever ugly rapper she’s fucking now, having sex in that tiny-ass bathroom without getting caught is virtually impossible. Honestly, what’s the appeal here? It’s awkward enough trying to maneuver around someone in the airplane hallways after they’ve just yacked up their lunch, but you can’t even sit on that toilet without an entire butt cheek hanging off and feeling like you’re going to be sucked into a black hole, let alone withstanding the smell of pee you just stepped in. What’s the reward here? A bag of expired peanuts? An attempt for a cool story? At this point, you’re better off giving a handy under the blanket until the fasten seatbelt sign turns on.
Before Edward Cullen assaulted our eyes with his pasty AF skin, there was Buffy the vampire slayer. Real talk though: Edward better count his fucking blessings that Buffy had better things to do with her time, like stop the apocalypse every five fucking minutes, otherwise you know she would have staked his hipster ass the first chance she got. Can you imagine a world without Edward whining to Bella about all the ways in which he didn’t want to
fuck love her? What a world that would be. Sighs. ANYWAYS, apparently it’s been 20 years since Buffy The Vampire Slayer first aired and I suddenly feel the need to start drinking during lunch because Jesus Christ we’re ancient.
If you’ll remember, this was the show that gave us the best one-liners to fire back at our mothers with when they were being like, sooo embarrassing. It also was the root of our desire to wear red leather and platform sneakers. But most importantly, it gave us the only question to ask if you really wanted to know someone: Are you Team Angel or Team Spike? But because I don’t want to
make someone cry get into this with people on social media, I won’t start this debate now. *Cough* Team Angel *Cough*
From her fashion choices to the way she got every hot AF immortal badass to profess their undying love for her, it’s clear that Buffy was a betch. So in honor of the series’ 20th anniversary, here are 10 reasons why Buffy was a true chosen betch.
1. She knew from a very early age that she was low-key better than everyone else around her and she wasn’t afraid to
brag talk about it.
Me when a guy on Tinder asks why I’m being such a bitch by not giving him my number.
2. And like every true betch she let her RBF do all the talking for her:
3. While other girls are getting ghosted by Bumble bros she had not one, but TWO guys willing to risk their literal souls for her love.
I’ll slow clap to that. Like, either of these guys could love me, leave me, and fuck me up emotionally and I would say “thanks for your time.”
4. And on that note, she had the original platinum vagine.
Sorry Corinne, but did your vagina ever cause someone to lose their soul/try and end the world and/or gain a soul/stop the end of the world? No? Then maybe you should think about re-branding those T-shirts…
5. She perfected the I DGAF attitude. Like, even though the apocalypse is coming she cannot even be bothered.
Me when everyone starts freaking out about an impending snowstorm.
6. She’s also, like, V uplifting.
Seriously, she should got into motivational speeches.
7. When her friends stepped out of line (which was always) and tried to pull something stupid shit like save the world or wear mom jeans with clear plastic inserts she’d be there to put them in their fucking place.
Words I whisper to myself every morning.
8. And she was ALWAYS having to save her friends from
getting blackout and taking home strangers vampire attacks.
9. She was full of
judgement insight into the human psyche.
That practically screams “Do not trust her. She’s a fugly slut.”
10. She died like, five times on the show and that still didn’t stop her from being the hottest cast member. And knowing it.
Tbh my only complaint is that she didn’t appreciate the true gift that was Anya.
Her appreciation for vengeance and sarcasm gives me the will to live. How can you not love this girl??
In conclusion, Buffy was one of the betchiest girls of the ’90s hands down. Now, if you need me, I’ll just be drinking like it’s 1997 again.
When beginning a text relationship with a new potential bae, your choice of emojis can either make or break the interaction. A correctly placed winking cat face can make you look like a cute fun millennial who also may or may not be a cat, but just a few too many laughing-crying faces in a row and you look like a legit psycho who needs to stop LOLing and start getting your life in check.
So which are the best and worst emojis for text-based flirting? We’ve sorted them out for you. Follow our advice and you’ll be getting a “U UP?” in no time. Fail to heed our warnings and don’t be surprised to see your shit screenshot and roasted in his fantasy league’s group text.
The eggplant is the king of all flirt-mojis for a very simple reason: it looks like a dick. If you want to see someone’s dick, you can send them this emoji and they’ll understand what you want. Given that men don’t need much prompting to send their junk to strangers, only send this emoji if you’re prepared for the dick pics to follow.
Heart Eye Emoji Face
Short, sweet, and to the point. Your eyes are hearts, and your hearts are for bae. It’s not subtle, but it’ll send the message to whomever you’re texting that their flirting is having the desired effect. Can be used interchangeably with the cat heart eye emoji, which means the exact same thing except also you like cats. However, if you are going to use the cat heart eye emoji, you must remain vigilant that you’re not swapping out all applicable emojis for their cat-faced counterparts, or you risk looking like a crazy cat lady in training.
Smiling Devil Emoji
What better way to let someone you just met at a bar know you’re down for a little trouble than the smiling devil emoji? The smiling devil is cute (like you) but also not to be trusted (also like you), leaving the person on the other end of your text wanting to know more. Why is the devil smiling? What kind of trouble does this little guy want to get into? Is it sex? I bet it’s sex…
No better way to let someone know they’re hot than to send them a picture of literal flames. The fire emoji is versatile, subtle, and can be used to indicate you think the fuckboy you just met at the bar is muy caliente, or can be used for emphasis when you roast him after he inevitably wrongs you.
The Red Woman
She’s dancing. She’s independent. She’s wearing a red maxi dress. She’s the modern woman. She’s everything the object of your affection wants in a woman. When sending a flirty text, make sure to include this woman as a symbol for yourself. You want to be associated with her in his mind. TBH, you want to be associated with her in life.
The Flying Money
Use this money to convey to any potential hookups a very simple message: “I am not a gold digger. In fact, I have so much money my cash is sprouting wings and flying around and I don’t even care. So do you wanna hook up or…?” All that and more is conveyed with this emoji. Using it makes you look like Rihanna (idk if Rihanna actually uses this emoji but I bet she does).
The Winking Tongue Man
Oh no. No thank you. Steer clear of this man. Just imagine, for a moment, someone making this face at you in real life. One eye open wide as possible, the other closed, full length of the tongue exposed. It’s not a good look. Not only should you not to respond to any flirty texts that contain this emoji, but anyone who uses it should be immediately blocked. You don’t need this kind of negative energy in your life.
I’m sorry, but the poop emoji is over. It was over once everyone and their mom started using it, and it was wayyyy over when my 6-year-old cousin got a pillow version of it for Christmas. All this emoji conveys is that you are unoriginal and stuck in a world that was like, seven IOS updates ago. You wouldn’t go back to using an iPhone 4, so don’t use this emoji. It’s dead. RIP.
This emoji is new and terrible. Who tf wanted this clown emoji? We’re all out here begging for a selfie-taking emoji (how tf is there not a selfie-taking emoji??) and all we get is this nasty-ass clown. I’ve never seen anyone use this emoji, but if a potential mate ever sends this to you, call the police. That person is a psychopath.
Similar to the clown, this little guy has no place in the bedroom. Apart from the fact that his nose kind of looks like a penis. His ears also kind of look like penises….and all of his teeth….
Yeah, okay, it’s gonna be a hard pass on this penis monster. No thank you.
This is a graph. Unless this is graphing a rise in horniness since the two of you started sexting, there’s really no useful application for this emoji in a flirting context. Actually, there is not much use for this emoji in any context. You’re telling me we can get a graph of nothing but can’t get a middle finger? Come on.
This may actually be a hugging emoji, but who TF knows. Honestly, the fact that we don’t even know WTF it is should be your first clue to avoid this thing. Like, what’s going on here? Why is this thing smiling so big its eyes are closed? Why are its hands outstretched—is it trying to hug you, do jazz hands, give you a high-ten…? Furthermore, why doesn’t it have arms? I honestly cannot think of a single circumstance that would warrant the use of this emoji. Fuck a hug—this emoji says “I want to molest you.” I’m seriously questioning Apple over the fact that someone deemed this creeper necessary and it took like, six updates and four online petitions to get a damn taco.
Much like the eggplant, the peach looks like a butt. A big juicy butt. If you want to send, or receive, pics of a big juicy butt, or to convey that you are currently in possession of a big juicy butt, this is the emoji for you. If you’re trying to suggest you and your boo leave the bar and go eat a peach, maybe just use a different emoji because this one looks like a big juicy butt.