If you, like me, spent the last week exchanging intimate conversation with only your dog and the weird crack on your ceiling, then welcome to quarantine life, betch! This is the bad place. It’s been a weird few days, friends, and I doubt it’s going to get any less weird in the coming weeks. I can confidently say that social distancing has changed me, and it’s changed me for the worse. It’s reduced me to a person who cooks and does home workouts—and I don’t like it one bit! But I will say spending more than 72 hours alone in my apartment with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company has made me reevaluate my skin care journey. And by “reevaluate” I mean think about at all. It’s hard not to when the only face you see all day is yours and it’s looking back at you in the mirror with last night’s pizza sauce on it. But no more! Today is a new day. And since I’m the kind of person who takes one step forward, and then does the entire cha-cha slide backward, I’ve decided that my journey to clearer, softer, more age-defying skin can only be done with a canned hard seltzer in my hand. Baby steps, people. So here’s a list of the best spiked seltzer and face mask pairings to get you started on your quarantine skin care journey.
White Claw Pure + Detox Clay Mask
The time for panic-eating entire boxes of Cheez-Its, ice cream cartons, and the family-size Stouffer’s mac n cheese you bought “just in case” is right tf now. And you know what washes down all of that processed cheese and sodium? White Claw Pure! Unlike other White Claws, White Claw Pure is flavorless so it cuts out all the bullsh*t and feels more… detoxifying? Okay, that’s a stretch, even for me, but it does taste crisp AF which is why I HIGHLY recommend pairing it with L’Oréal’s Pure-Clay Detox & Brighten mask. Like your insides after sippin’ on this knock-off vodka soda, your face will feel pure as hell after using this mask. Coming in at $12, you won’t find a cheaper beauty product, and also, this one actually works. It’s a super efficient clay mask that clears congested and/or dull skin, illuminating skin for a healthier glow. Plus, you can usually find it in the grocery store skincare aisle so just tack it onto your list while you’re there trying to barter for the last roll of toilet paper.
Natty Light Aloha Beaches + Peel Off Mask
Natty Light is the brand of alcohol preferred by people who frequent frat houses and the first guy I ever lied to about giving me an orgasm. No hard feelings, Paul! (Seriously, nothing hard. at. all.) If a global pandemic wasn’t sufficient enough evidence that God is trying to smite us all down so She can start humanity anew, then Natty Light releasing a spiked seltzer should be evidence enough. If you’re still brand loyal to Natty Light, then I’m assuming you’re also brand loyal to the face masks sold in the sale section of Walmart. I assume. For you, my friend, Masque Bar Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Like Natty Light’s Aloha Beaches, both are cheap AF but still v effective. It’ll get the job done if you’re looking to kill time between second dinner and rekindling things with your ex from high school just to feel something again.
Bon & Viv Clementine Hibiscus + Hydrating Mask
Drinking Bon & Viv is basically like water, which is not a scientific fact, just my personal opinion. It’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. It’s by far my favorite brand of spiked seltzers, which is why I’m pairing it with one of my favorite masks of all time. Hydrating masks, like Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost face mask, go perfectly with Bon & Viv. Made with purified hyaluronic acid, this sheet mask gives instant results—and I really mean that. Your skin will go from looking dry and flakey to supple and glowy in minutes, and the best part is you don’t even have to drink water to do it!! Why does it work so well? Well, unlike other sheet masks, Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost uses unique hydrogel material to seal in the formula for maximum absorption into your skin. As a bonus, pair it with the Hydro-Boost gel cream moisturizer and literally never have sh*tty skin again.
Seagram Escapes Tropical Rose + Tula Mask
You’ve been influenced and you’ve been influenced hard. You’re the kind of girl that only started drinking spiked seltzers in the first place because you saw it via a swipe-up code three summers ago. While Seagram Escapes Tropical Rose isn’t a seltzer per se, it is canned, and its targeted audience is people who consider Shein products actual fashion, so it counts. Also, the man behind this beverage is none other than Mr. The Most Dramatic Season Ever himself: Chris Harrison. I’m pairing this beverage with Tula’s Exfoliating Treatment Mask because what goes together more than a beverage created by an influencer and a face mask influencers are constantly trying to pimp out to us on Instagram? My heart hurts me to say this, but I’m actually a fan of Tula’s products (it’s me, I’VE BEEN INFLUENCED). I’m a fan of this mask in particular. It’s clay-based, so its purpose is to exfoliate and detox, but the antioxidant-rich blueberry extract in it keeps your skin hydrated for smoother, more even-toned skin. I recommend drinking the Tropical Rose whilst wearing the mask and DMing people on dating apps with Chris Harrison’s best lines. It’s what he would want for us during the quarantine!!
Orange Truly + Hangover Mask
Just because I’m stuck in my apartment for the foreseeable future and literally barred from entering any establishment that sells alcohol as per the shelter in place law for my state, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to turn up, okay!! Instead of pounding drinks at the bars until I reach a point where I think it’s socially acceptable to publicly blast “Lose You To Love Me” from my phone and cry softly into my hands, I’ll just be doing that exact same thing but on my couch while on Instagram Live. What I’m saying is, a pandemic isn’t going to get between me and my toxic choices, so I know I’ll be needing a hangover fix. While I admit the orange Truly isn’t my favorite, someone once said to me it smells like emergen-C, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Think of it like drinking a screwdriver but with less calories and, like, sadder. While you’re working on that hair of the dog, pair it with the Drunk Elephant D-balm Electrolyte Waterfacial Mask. Packed with electrolytes, it’s like gatorade for the skin. You’re welcome in advance.
Wild Basin Cucumber Peach + Gold Foil Mask
Images: RossHelen / Shutterstock.com; Amazon (5); blissworld.com
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Thanks to a miraculous breakthrough of science, we now have alcoholic seltzer. Low calories, low to zero sugar, bubbles cause we’re so fun, and lots of alcohol make these a FANTASTIC choice for sippin’ at the pool, beach, or on your couch while wearing sweatpants and canceling plans. There are a shitload of alcoholic bubblies out there, but we narrowed down the five best spiked seltzers so you can get your drank on without being required to wear a larger size in pants. Bless.
1. Svedka Spiked Premium Seltzer
Holy tap-dancing Jesus. One of our vodkas from our college years has made the leap to spiked seltzers. And they’re DELICIOUS. Though Svedka’s spiked line offers a few flavors, the cucumber basil is the crowd fav. It doesn’t taste artificial at all, has a nice chill summer balance, and can still get you fucked up after a few cans. Praise be.
This gluten-free spiked seltzer is sure to become a favorite of white people everywhere. The best part of the Truly line, which has been around for a bit now, is all the varieties. Pomegranate is like, probs the best, but Sicilian blood orange, pomelo, lemon and yuzu, and other bougie flavors make this the LaCroix of spiked seltzers. Fight me.
3. Henry’s Hard Sparkling Water
Henry’s Hard is like, probs one of the OG hard sodas out there. Obv, they got the message that betches want calorie-free alcohol that doesn’t taste like dick, and they branched into the wide world of spiked seltzers. You only have a choice of a few flavors—none of which are mind-blowing. However, they work REALLY well if you use them as a mixer with like, juice … or more alcohol, idk. Also, at only 88 calories per can, you can drink a lot before feeling bad about it.
4. White Claw
When my cousin first bought me a pack of this so we could get white girl wasted while lying on pool floaties, I was ready to get my white trash on. However, this gluten-free, higher calorie spiked seltzer is actually super decent on alcohol and probably the best on taste. It tastes less like an 18-year-old’s first foray into alcohol, and more like something I can drink while playing bridge or joining a book club. I’m a classy lady, god damn it!
Alright—let’s break this down. SpikedSeltzer has 140 calories per can, but 6% ABV…so worth it? This is the can that’ll get you super drunk, super fast, so if that’s the goal, go for it. The biggest downside to these is that they’re really kind of sweet, and the higher sugar content may give you a worse hangover.
We’re praying for the day LaCroix becomes alcoholic. JUST SAYING LACROIX PEOPLE YOU’D MAKE SO MUCH MONEY PLEASE HIRE ME TO RAMP THIS UP FOR YOU BYE.
Images: Giphy, Walmart (4)