“The most dramatic season yet” of The Bachelor is wrapping up aka the season I had a decent nap every Monday night. Like, if I wanted to watch an adult male cry for two straight hours I’d resurrect Abe Lincoln and bring him to our current White House. Ball is in your court, ABC.
Expectations were high, and Corrine delivered. Raquel’s cheese pasta aside, this season took a fat L, and there’s not enough vodka in the world to bounce back from the possibility of a lifetime of family spaghetti Sundays in Canada or experimenting with meth in Hoxie. To celebrate the best franchise’s worst bachelor yet, let’s take a look at this season’s best and worst looks.
5. Danielle L. – First Rose Ceremony
Watching Danielle L. come in hot at the first rose ceremony, I thought she would def be a main contender. Between the big curls and the deep V, homegirl knew the game and how to play it. Her black maxi had hints of sheer, showing leg but looking classy at the same time. Genius. What couldn’t this girl do? Oh yeah, speak. And be interesting. And keep a man for five seconds after she declares that she loves him. It turns out, Danielle L. spends most of her time giggling, and while that was prob a major confidence boost for Nick, he eventually had to accept he’s not nearly funny enough to make a normal human laugh that much. RIP to those long locks—may we all achieve such volume one day.
4. Danielle M. – Women Tell All
Ah, yes, the slightly less annoying Danielle, who somehow managed to speak even less than her name counterpart. Danielle M spent the entire season being so boring that you probably already forgot she found her fiancé dead from a drug overdose in their apartment, but then decided to go for a second chance at stardom by making the absolute most with her wave at WTA. Looks like someone’s career didn’t take off like she was planning. Guess it’s time to pull out all the stops! And as far as makeovers go, Danielle M. killed it. She pulled a JLaw and hit us with a platinum bob—love. And the plunging all white jumpsuit looked great on her tall and narrow frame. I guess when you’re that hot, you don’t need a personality.
3. Whitney – Women Tell All
Speaking of hot with no personality, remember Whitney? Prob not, considering she never had any airtime, or a one-on-one, or spoke. Actually, can anyone confirm if she and Nick actually met? But her good looks come at a cost. Whit was the type that opted for water instead of wine, and that’s a cost I just can’t afford. Didn’t Jesus tell us to go with the latter? Like Danielle M, betch slayed in a jumpsuit at WTA. From the cheetah heels to her open back, the whole outfit is a yes from me, dawg. Makeup-wise, her dark eyes and shimmer highlight made me question my sexuality for a quick sec. I just truly hope The Bachelor helped this Pilates instructor from Minnesota escape the Midwest and find an Instagram career in LA. No one this attractive deserves to be in sweaters year round.
2. Raven – Hometown Dates
I’m assuming when the producers realized Nick was en route to Arkansas/Alabama (still not sure tbh), they decided everyone was better off watching Raven enter a wet T-shirt contest than trying to collect B-roll of Main Street. And they were right. Raven looked amazing. Her bod is the reason I just canceled my Seamless order, and I hate to say it, but a shirtless Nick isn’t bad either. His abs just slightly distracted me from his earlier excitement in Raven calling her dad “daddy,” something only a 25-year-old who’s never had satisfying sex would do. Their steamy swamp m/o looked like something I’ve seen on the cover of a Nicholas Sparks book, and I’m glad we’re all ignoring the fact they most def contracted some type of infection after dry humping each other amidst flies and mud.
1. Corinne – Always. Most Notably In Her Bubble Bath
I love to see Queen Corn taking care at herself. Remember, just because your job/life/relationships with family and friends went on hold for filming doesn’t mean your skincare regime can. Corinne knows that in order to look younger/fresher/hotter than
Taylor the rest of the girls in the house, you need relax, treat yourself to a facemask, and get plenty of sleep. #TeamNaps
Honorable Mention: Alexis in a shark/dolphin costume. Way to dress to Paradise theme.
Truly cannot wait to see Alexis’ crazy ass on BIP. Best thing to come out of this season so far.
And The Worst
5. Josephine – Women Tell All
We’ve all seen this meme right?? Ok good, just checking. Moving on.
4. Taylor – Group Date in Bumblefuck, Wisconsin
EVE.RY.THING.NO. We see Mental Health Counselor Tay sporting hoops bigger than my dreams in this frame. I’m getting v extreme “hold my earrings and let me at her” vibes just looking at them. Moving onto her hair, Taylor needs some counseling herself on the importance of conditioner and Moroccan Oil like, yesterday. I see her strategy of choice in dealing with the frizz was a half-up pony. I’m giving that a hard no. As I’m also giving a hard no to her fleece, which I’m assuming was purchased at the Gap. And none for Taylor bye.
3. Nick – The Infamous Beach Volleyball Group Date
I’m picturing Nick ordering a Piña Colada in this outfit and then sending it back because it’s “a little too strong”. Like, what is going on here? Even Nick’s p. dece body can’t save him. And what is that necklace? How long is it? We’ve got Vanessa out here shoving her annoying ass into some black strappy thing, and Nick’s got on shorts that look like he bought them at the hotel store. And is that a livestrong bracelet on his wrist? No. No. All the no.
2. Christen – First Rose Ceremony
I feel like I’m about to watch a bad cabaret with this little number. Either that or Belle was fired from Disney World, got wasted and then tried to seduce me. I can’t tell which is more terrifying, but I would’ve shoved Christen back in the limo and sent her ass back to Tulsa. Safe travels!
1. Nick – Fantasy Suite with Raven
I’m sorry. I had to put Nick on here twice. YOU HAD TO SEE THIS COMING. Remember when Raven admitted she never had an orgasm, and the camera cuts to Nick in his turtleneck and he’s like “haha, wow we have something in common, I’ve never given one either!” Like Rav, you think you’re gonna feel the big O tonight after you try and rip this giant-ass sweater over Nick’s beard? Turned off just thinking about it. At least it looks like it’s ribbed for her pleasure.