If you, like me, spent the last week exchanging intimate conversation with only your dog and the weird crack on your ceiling, then welcome to quarantine life, betch! This is the bad place. It’s been a weird few days, friends, and I doubt it’s going to get any less weird in the coming weeks. I can confidently say that social distancing has changed me, and it’s changed me for the worse. It’s reduced me to a person who cooks and does home workouts—and I don’t like it one bit! But I will say spending more than 72 hours alone in my apartment with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company has made me reevaluate my skin care journey. And by “reevaluate” I mean think about at all. It’s hard not to when the only face you see all day is yours and it’s looking back at you in the mirror with last night’s pizza sauce on it. But no more! Today is a new day. And since I’m the kind of person who takes one step forward, and then does the entire cha-cha slide backward, I’ve decided that my journey to clearer, softer, more age-defying skin can only be done with a canned hard seltzer in my hand. Baby steps, people. So here’s a list of the best spiked seltzer and face mask pairings to get you started on your quarantine skin care journey.
White Claw Pure + Detox Clay Mask
The time for panic-eating entire boxes of Cheez-Its, ice cream cartons, and the family-size Stouffer’s mac n cheese you bought “just in case” is right tf now. And you know what washes down all of that processed cheese and sodium? White Claw Pure! Unlike other White Claws, White Claw Pure is flavorless so it cuts out all the bullsh*t and feels more… detoxifying? Okay, that’s a stretch, even for me, but it does taste crisp AF which is why I HIGHLY recommend pairing it with L’Oréal’s Pure-Clay Detox & Brighten mask. Like your insides after sippin’ on this knock-off vodka soda, your face will feel pure as hell after using this mask. Coming in at $12, you won’t find a cheaper beauty product, and also, this one actually works. It’s a super efficient clay mask that clears congested and/or dull skin, illuminating skin for a healthier glow. Plus, you can usually find it in the grocery store skincare aisle so just tack it onto your list while you’re there trying to barter for the last roll of toilet paper.
Natty Light Aloha Beaches + Peel Off Mask
Natty Light is the brand of alcohol preferred by people who frequent frat houses and the first guy I ever lied to about giving me an orgasm. No hard feelings, Paul! (Seriously, nothing hard. at. all.) If a global pandemic wasn’t sufficient enough evidence that God is trying to smite us all down so She can start humanity anew, then Natty Light releasing a spiked seltzer should be evidence enough. If you’re still brand loyal to Natty Light, then I’m assuming you’re also brand loyal to the face masks sold in the sale section of Walmart. I assume. For you, my friend, Masque Bar Peel Off Mask is going to be your go-to mask. Like Natty Light’s Aloha Beaches, both are cheap AF but still v effective. It’ll get the job done if you’re looking to kill time between second dinner and rekindling things with your ex from high school just to feel something again.
Bon & Viv Clementine Hibiscus + Hydrating Mask
Drinking Bon & Viv is basically like water, which is not a scientific fact, just my personal opinion. It’s light, refreshing, and I drink 8 glasses of it a day. It’s by far my favorite brand of spiked seltzers, which is why I’m pairing it with one of my favorite masks of all time. Hydrating masks, like Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost face mask, go perfectly with Bon & Viv. Made with purified hyaluronic acid, this sheet mask gives instant results—and I really mean that. Your skin will go from looking dry and flakey to supple and glowy in minutes, and the best part is you don’t even have to drink water to do it!! Why does it work so well? Well, unlike other sheet masks, Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost uses unique hydrogel material to seal in the formula for maximum absorption into your skin. As a bonus, pair it with the Hydro-Boost gel cream moisturizer and literally never have sh*tty skin again.
Seagram Escapes Tropical Rose + Tula Mask
You’ve been influenced and you’ve been influenced hard. You’re the kind of girl that only started drinking spiked seltzers in the first place because you saw it via a swipe-up code three summers ago. While Seagram Escapes Tropical Rose isn’t a seltzer per se, it is canned, and its targeted audience is people who consider Shein products actual fashion, so it counts. Also, the man behind this beverage is none other than Mr. The Most Dramatic Season Ever himself: Chris Harrison. I’m pairing this beverage with Tula’s Exfoliating Treatment Mask because what goes together more than a beverage created by an influencer and a face mask influencers are constantly trying to pimp out to us on Instagram? My heart hurts me to say this, but I’m actually a fan of Tula’s products (it’s me, I’VE BEEN INFLUENCED). I’m a fan of this mask in particular. It’s clay-based, so its purpose is to exfoliate and detox, but the antioxidant-rich blueberry extract in it keeps your skin hydrated for smoother, more even-toned skin. I recommend drinking the Tropical Rose whilst wearing the mask and DMing people on dating apps with Chris Harrison’s best lines. It’s what he would want for us during the quarantine!!
Orange Truly + Hangover Mask
Just because I’m stuck in my apartment for the foreseeable future and literally barred from entering any establishment that sells alcohol as per the shelter in place law for my state, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to turn up, okay!! Instead of pounding drinks at the bars until I reach a point where I think it’s socially acceptable to publicly blast “Lose You To Love Me” from my phone and cry softly into my hands, I’ll just be doing that exact same thing but on my couch while on Instagram Live. What I’m saying is, a pandemic isn’t going to get between me and my toxic choices, so I know I’ll be needing a hangover fix. While I admit the orange Truly isn’t my favorite, someone once said to me it smells like emergen-C, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Think of it like drinking a screwdriver but with less calories and, like, sadder. While you’re working on that hair of the dog, pair it with the Drunk Elephant D-balm Electrolyte Waterfacial Mask. Packed with electrolytes, it’s like gatorade for the skin. You’re welcome in advance.
Wild Basin Cucumber Peach + Gold Foil Mask
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Regardless of what Gwyneth Paltrow and her crew of zombie mommy bloggers have to say about it, you don’t need to spend your entire paycheck on good face masks. In fact, lots of professional makeup artists and celebs swear by and frequently grab the same moisturizers, body washes, and face masks that us common folk use from places like Walgreen’s, Duane Reade, and CVS. Because those florescent-lit aisles can be a bit daunting when you’re dealing with flaky dry skin or a huge zit emergency, here are some of our fave drugstore face masks to help with everything from puffy eyes to dull, gross skin.
1. Burt’s Bees Intense Hydration Treatment Mask
As winter rolls around and we snuggle into sweats and embrace our winter bodies, don’t forget about how harsh the cold is about to be on your skin. The Burt’s Bees mask ups your skin’s moisture without making it oily or greasy, which works for those of us with dry, flaky skin AND those with oily skin caused by your body’s inability to like, chill TF out and stop overcompensating for being dry.
2. L’Oréal Pure Clay Detox Mask
Charcoal is a fav for pushing out gross sh*t in your skin, and this clay mask uses a lot of it. It helps even skin tone, keep breakouts at bay, and shrink already-on-the-surface pimples. That’s a pretty decent rap sheet for a $10 mask, fam.
3. Yes To Grapefruit Single Use Mud Mask
Skin dull and blah? Vitamin C will help and this sheet mask is literally full of it. Vitamin C, grapefruit, and pink kaolin clay help minimize pores, exfoliate dry, dead skin, and brighten up your face.
4. Shea Moisture African Black Soap Clarifying Mud Mask
If you haven’t tried out the Shea Moisture line yet, time to get on that sh*t now. The Clarifying Mud Mask contains tea tree oil, long worshipped as a saving grace for those of us prone to zits. Plus, while the tea tree oil dries out your pimples, the shea butter keeps your whole face nice and moisturized. Praise be.
5. Neutrogena Deep Clean Purifying Wash-Off Clay Face Mask
The best part about this mask is that it comes in single use to-go coffee creamer sized pods that you can stash in your purse or gym bag so you can look refreshed after either hooking up with a rando or sweating it out at the gym! Since it contains lots of mineral clay, it’s pretty effective on acne-prone skin. Bonus: It helps clear out disgusting white and black heads so you won’t look and feel so dirty. On the outside, anyway.
6. Pond’s Hydrate + Glow Sheet Mask
Pond’s has long been known for making your grandma’s face smooth thanks to cold cream, but they also make stuff for young folks, like face masks. The single use sheet mask contains papaya extract (good for your skin AND your mixed drinks), vitamin E and vitamin B3 to help your skin look refreshed and hydrated instead of oily and v tired.
7. Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay Deep Pore Cleansing
I would sell my soul for this sh*t. I kid you not, this mask—which you can find online or in some drugstores—has minimized the spots where I picked at zits throughout college and healed the under-the-skin cystic pimples I swore I could not get rid of. Mix the powder with a bit of apple cider vinegar, rub on your face after your shower, let it sit, then wash off.
Images: Isabell Winter, Unsplash; Target (1); Amazon (6);