I may or may not have talked a little bit about my ongoing battle with the woman who works the checkout counter at Sephora. Let’s call her Sheila for the sake of this article. The root of my vendetta against Sheila probably has something to do with the ridiculous amount of money I spend on eyeliner. Because let’s face it, I would be nothing without my eyeliner. Mostly because it enhances the Bitch in my Resting Bitch Face, but also because it serves as a sort of last defense against the psychopaths commuting from Brooklyn to the city. I sincerely believe my on-point eyeliner is the only reason why tourists do not ask me stupid questions like “will this train get me to Brooklyn” when they’re standing on the Manhattan-bound side and it fucking says it on the sign right in front of them, or when children don’t try and start some shit with me for
stealing sitting in the open subway seat. So yeah let’s talk about eyeliners. Drugstores actually have some really good shit in there—and for a price that doesn’t make me want to question my priorities more than my mother already does. So here are seven eyeliners you can buy at any drugstore that won’t break the bank (take that, SHEILA):
The Best Eyeliner For Cat Eye
Trying to perfect the cat eye technique is a bigger mind fuck than listening to a fuckboy try and evade the question of “what are we?”
And, like a fuckboy, my cat eye technique only does what I want it to do every day that is not Friday or Saturday. Like, some days I look like a very, very distant relative of the Hadids and other days I look like Jenny Humphrey after she became a drug dealer and it’s really a toss-up every morning. That being said, Physicians Formula Felt-Tip Eye Marker is going to be your go-to for all things cat eye. This fine-tipped marker goes on super soft instead of super pigmented, which makes it perfect for attaining those bedroom eye goals.
The Best Eyeliner For Color Range
CoverGirl, aka a brand The CW is low-key keeping in business by shamelessly plugging the shit out of their products, has the best eyeliners for color range. We recommend using the CoverGirl Perfect Point Plus, which comes in more color selections than Kylie Jenner’s wig room. Our three top picks are charcoal (perfect for taking your look from office professional to happy hour hoe), and if you’re feeling more adventurous, hunter green and midnight.
The Best Eyeliner For Smokey Eye
Like the cat eye, the smokey eye takes actual patience and work, which is the last fucking thing I want to do when I’m
drinking alone in my room getting ready to go out. Like, I can barely drink wine while trying to take a decent filtered AF picture for my Snap story so my ex and the three fuckboys on my rotation will know exactly what they’re missing, and you expect me to also be good at making sultry eyes too?? That’s a hard no. But the Rimmel Exaggerate Eye Definer makes a smokey eye v v easy. Not only is it a retractable pen, but it also comes with its own smudging tool and sharpener so it’s like three things for the price of one. Praise Be.
The Best Liquid Eyeliner
WARNING: do not attempt to use liquid eyeliner after
half a bottle of wine a casual night in watching beauty YouTube videos. You will look like this, and I of course know nothing about this from personal experience:
Using liquid eyeliner is an art form that I’m convinced should count as an accepted skill on your professional resume should you be one of the few that can pull this off. And Maybelline’s Line Stiletto liquid eyeliner is the best one in the game. It glides on easy and gives razor sharp lines with zero dragging. Plus it can stay on throughout a
nuclear bomb night out with your friends.
The Best Eyeliner Endorsed By Celebs
I had to include this category because celebs are doing this new thing where they pretend they’re peasants just like us and visit CVS’s for beauty products and not just for opportunities to be spotted by the paparazzi being “real” and “normal.” Lol, K. But I also love them for this because I will buy any and all beauty products that celebs pretend like their assistants don’t buy for them. That being said, Reese Witherspoon’s makeup artist revealed that Reese would be nothing without L’Oréal Infallible Lacquer Liner (my words, not hers) and I squealed like a Belieber because apparently I only need to spend less than $10 to look like Elle Woods and that is a dream come true right there.
The Best Waterproof Eyeliner
Obviously I had to include this category because I’ve noticed this strange phenomenon where on any given weekend night after 2am, creatures start to prowl the streets of Manhattan looking for shitty pizza and their dignity. Ya know, the ones that look like this:
That’s where Rimmel Scandaleyes Waterproof Kohl Liner comes in. Use this product if you don’t want to turn into an (iconic) internet meme. This eyeliner is the best of both worlds because it gives you a creamy formula while also staying on through a night of vodka sodas, shitty street pizza, and a search for your missing dignity.
The Best Pencil Eyeliner
I will never understand the type of person that uses pencil eyeliners. Is it just me or do they seem sort of archaic? Like some sort of medieval tool Cersei would use to torture one of her offspring with? I mean, we live in a world where people can literally order alcohol to be delivered to their homes without moving from the couch, we don’t need to be stabbing sharpened pieces of wood at our eyes anymore for the sake of beauty. But I guess some of you masochists like this sort of thing so I’m including it. YOU’RE WELCOME. If you’re into being tortured, L’Oréal Voluminous Smoldering Liner is going to be your weapon beauty product of choice. It’s perfect for smudgy “I woke up like this” vibes.