10 Foods That Hydrate You So You Can Eat Your Water

Your skin is wrinkly and dry, your mouth is a desert, and your entire body feels like that of an 85-year-old arthritic woman. Dehydration can cause a lot of weird issues, so chugging water and upping your general hydration is a must. But drinking water can sometimes be annoying (#firstworldprobs), and nobody wants to get up to pee 65 times in one day. Luckily, you can eat your water. By that, I mean eating certain foods can also give you the water you’re desperately craving, help dilute the vodka in your veins (can I live?), and bless your organs with much-needed vitamins and minerals. These are an easy fix to help get your shit back in balance without going on a juice cleanse or like, giving up pizza.

1. Cucumbers

Want sexy skin AND to be hydrated without chugging water? Make a salad full of cucumbers. The potassium and magnesium will keep you face lookin’ fly while the water may help battle the hangover you’re currently sporting.

2. Watermelon

The clue is in the name, idiots. At about 93% water, this summer treat is a great option if you’re laying on the dock/beach/shitty patio chair in your ugly backyard. Plus, watermelon’s spongy quality makes it perfect for soaking in alcohol—just saying.

3. Eggplant

Weird, but true. High in fiber, high in water, low in calories, and shitty in flavor (sorry, but it’s true), try to incorporate some non-fried eggplant into your future to reap its benefits which like, slightly outweigh its sponge-like quality.

4. Zucchini

Zucchinis, which are just shittier cucumbers, are also full of water. These bitches are about 96% water, but eat it raw or else you’re totes getting rid of the water that’ll heal your unhealthy ass. Try some zoodles (spiralized zucchini for those of you who don’t even internet) with salt, pepper, lemon, and olive oil for a healthy fix.

5. Cantaloupe

Often ignored as a shitty breakfast garnish (get outta here), cantaloupe is about 90% water, only about 50 calories, and has some vitamins. All that may make you feel better about actually eating cantaloupe.

6. Pineapple

Yay! As long as you’re not one of those people who can’t eat pineapple cause it makes your tongue itch (sad), this fruit is super hydrating AND has anti-inflammatory properties. It’s like natural Tylenol, kinda.

Je Suis Un Ananas

7. Bell Peppers

Does not count if they’re stuffed in a burrito. Bell peppers, the stars of any crudité platter, are about 92% water and full of vitamin C.

8. Celery

Our least favorite and saddest desk snack makes an appearance as a water-filled snack. It kinda makes up for the depression that comes with eating celery at a party while all your other friends eat pizza rolls because you’re trying to lose three pounds. Anyway, celery is about 96% water (4% rage) and is packed with calcium, iron, zinc, and more.

9. Romaine Lettuce

Now that the E. coli scare has passed, romaine should be your new bff if you’re looking to up your hydration. Like most lettuces and greens, romaine has a shit load of water (less than shitty white trash Iceberg) and a ton of folate, vitamin C, and beta-carotene.

10. Tomatoes

Ain’t nothin’ like a few slices of tomato on white bread with mayo during the summer. Fun fact: tomatoes are about 94% water, so eating an entire tomato for lunch won’t only help your skin and hair (vitamins, fam), but it’ll also hydrate your dry ass.

Images: Rick Vos, Unsplash; Giphy (4)

10 Ways You’re Sabotaging Yourself By Not Drinking Enough Water

We are all FULLY aware that drinking water is good for us. Want clear skin? Water. Trying to lose weight? Replace all meals with water. (Jk. Please don’t do that.) Want to look hotter in general? Water. Want to bring about world peace, get Trump impeached, bring back Obama for a third term, and ensure a lifetime of not having to work but getting paid for laying around? Probably water. You get the idea.

But there are magical things that this literal elixir of life can do for you that you may not have known about. Sure, chugging water may clear up your zitty face, but did you know if gives you a lot more energy? Probs not. So I rounded up 10 surprising benefits of drinking water. And no, Diet Coke does not count. Get to chuggin’. 

1. You Won’t Be So Goddamn Tired All The Time

Water naturally boosts your metabolism and makes you super focused, since your brain is made up of like, water and other things (according to science). So, if you’re having trouble concentrating on the mile long to-do list on your desk, chug water and you may be able to focus on it.


2. You’ll Flush Out The Crap You’ve Been Eating & Drinking

Are your weekends full of drugs and binge drinking? Water can help flush those looked-down-upon activities right out of your system. By the miracle of peeing, you can help your body more quickly give the old heave-ho to those tequila shots lingering in your body.

3. You’ll Lessen Your Chances Of Getting Sick

My husband is currently laid up in bed for day three of “I can’t take care of myself and have the flu.” He could have prevented this by drinking enough water and boosting his immune system. That means that instead of watching a grown man moan about sinus pressure, I could have pressured him into taking me to a nice dinner. The more you know.


4. Your Headache Will Magically Disappear

Does your head hurt all the goddamn time? Do you attribute it to the idiots you work with everyday? It COULD just be that you’re dehydrated! If you chug water, the headache may actually disappear. If it doesn’t, good luck finding a new job.

5. You’ll Be Less Likely To Injure Yourself

Hey guess what? If you drink water, your muscles will stay limber, and your joints will stay lubricated (ew, but true). That means you’ll be MUCH less likely to fall while wearing your new BCBG flats, break your foot, and have to wear a fug boot for a week, all because you couldn’t quite get a grip on texting and walking. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

The Situation

6. Your Cramps Won’t Be Quite As Shitty

Brace yourself, cause it’s fucking true. If you have more water in your system when Red October rolls around, your muscles will be more elastic, and therefore, less likely to cramp up on you. Plus, you’ll be peeing out all that water weight anyway, so you can justify being like, five pounds heavier that week.

7. You’ll Be Less Poor

This is an obvious one, but, in case you missed it, water is FREE unless you’re drinking the bougie kind and/or living in Flint, Michigan. Honestly tho, save a few bucks, grab a sustainable metal bottle, fill it with not-disgusting tap, and chug. Your wallet will thank you.

Help Me I'm Poor

8. You’ll Have Less Wrinkles

Yas, we know water is good for our skin (obv), but it can also help stave off the onset of wrinkles. By moisturizing your skin from the inside and preventing fluid loss, you lessen the likelihood of some nasty-ass crow’s feet on your face.

9. You’ll Eat Less

A great trick is to chug water BEFORE you eat. It’ll fill your stomach, make you feel full, and you’ll be more likely to exercise some goddamn self-control when faced with cake, cookies, fried chicken, etc.


10. You’ll Feel Skinnier

Don’t deny that you fucking love taking a grand shit, feeling 10 pounds lighter, and being able to squeeze into that body suit afterward. Yah, it’s gross, but chugging water will help maintain your ability to be regular. And that, friends, is priceless. 

Images: Madison Bilsborough / Unsplash; Giphy (5)