Anybody who knows me (and many people who don’t know me but read my Vanderpump Rules recaps) knows that my favorite show of all time is Parks and Recreation. It is the best show to ever exist. Yes, even better than The Office. While The Office is hilarious, Parks and Rec is both hilarious and a very good political satire, which pushes it above The Office. But anyway, I’m not a TV critic, and nobody cares about my ranking of NBC comedies.
The point is, all this extra time at home has got me thinking, and also watching a lot of Parks and Rec. So I thought, how would our beloved Parks employees be spending this pandemic? Let me, a person with a self-administered Master’s degree in Parks and Recreation-ology, answer that for you.
After her two terms as President, during which she reduced unemployment, increased jobs, enacted universal healthcare, and made National Waffle Day a federal holiday, Leslie returned to a quiet life as a private citizen. Psych! Do you know Leslie? She immediately moved back to Pawnee, where she resumed her former dream role on City Council, which was not against the law because frankly, nobody in Pawnee ever thought something like that could happen. She is now spearheading multiple coronavirus relief efforts in Pawnee, which is the worldwide epicenter of COVID-19. She’s started a national campaign, All Hands On Deck, encouraging people to wash their hands for at least 20 seconds. She’s 3D printing masks at home and hand-delivering them to hospitals. In her remaining free time, she’s going around to all the parks and yelling through a megaphone at all the people who are not maintaining proper distance.
Ben cannot stop obsessing over how flippant every single person in Pawnee is acting about this virus. It’s maddening. For the record, Ben has been working from home for a month now, and has never eaten more calzones in his life. When he’s not working, he is yelling out his window at everyone outside not practicing social distancing. He started back up his claymation hobby. At the current rate, he will have a movie out by next year. He is very depressed.
Andy didn’t take the virus seriously at first and was still playing packed-out venues with Mouserat. But as the pandemic grew even more serious, he decided to put his skills to use. He has now written the single most popular jingle about the importance of hand washing, and he films Johnny Karate from his living room. You can watch all 17 hit seasons on Gryzzl’s new streaming platform. He has only taken Dwyer showers in the past two weeks, which is how, when he does go outside, he’s able to get people to stay away from him.
April, too, thought COVID-19 was a joke at first, and she went around to Costco to cough on free samples just to scare people. But then she got a slight cough and immediately freaked out. She and Andy retreated to Ron’s cabin with Champion in tow. Once settled there, she adopted every remaining foster animal in Pawnee.
Regal Meagle has been livin’ large ever since November, which is when she first caught wind of the novel coronavirus in an obscure corner of Reddit. She took no chances and fled to her private island, where nobody else is allowed to join her. (Not even Tom, much to his dismay.) Much like the Benz, her island is pristine. Years from now, scientists will study it as the one remaining place on Earth to not have a single case of coronavirus.
Ron secretly thinks coronavirus is for the weak, like vegans and people who drink skim milk. But he’ll take any opportunity to avoid people at all costs, so outwardly, he takes it extremely seriously. He disappeared to one of his many properties in with Diane and the girls and has been earning a living selling his handmade wood furniture. He is singlehandedly responsible for the nationwide shortage of eggs and bacon.
Tom managed to get special permission from the FDA to bring back Snake Juice—which was previously banned—and market it as a cognac-hand-sanitizer combo, given that it contains 80% alcohol. Tommy’s Bistro is still open for contactless delivery by drone. He is not letting anyone into his apartment without having their temperature checked by his staff of personal bouncers at the door.
Jean-Ralphio un-faked his own death just so he could fake coronavirus for the clout. His dad administered the test, which he streamed on Instagram live. He started a line of counterfeit Louis Vuitton face masks, which are big in the Youtube influencer community, and he is flush with cash.
Mona Lisa Saperstein
Thinks she’s immune to coronavirus, and went viral for an interview soundbite in which she threatened to beat up the virus (she thought “Corona” was the name of her ex-boyfriend’s now-girlfriend). She is actually an asymptomatic carrier. She’s been jet setting all over the globe because she can’t resist cheap flights, and infecting everyone she meets along the way.
Beautiful tropical fish Ann Perkins has been working overtime at the hospital and fielding calls from Leslie about updates on the virus. Her Venmo has been blowing up with donations from horny Illinois men who saw her give an interview on the local news and started sending her money.
Chris has never been more stressed out in his life, living in constant fear of COVID-19 compromising the microchip. Forget a grain of sand, he says, the coronavirus would be a whole freaking beach. Doctors have tried their hardest to assure him that, even if he were to get infected, he would have a 100% chance of survival since he is the healthiest man alive, but it’s no use. Chris runs seven consecutive marathons a day indoors.
Jamm has been singlehandedly leading the movement espousing the belief that COVID-19 isn’t real and is just a conspiracy made up by the Chinese government to destabilize the markets and come out on top… in spite of the fact that Jamm himself has been experiencing a dry cough and tested positive for the virus a week ago.
CRAIG DOESN’T GET HOW YOU IDIOTS ARE NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!! IT’S A PANDEMIC, NOT A SUMMER VACATION!!! IF YOU KEEP GALLIVANTING AROUND NOW, YOU’LL NEVER GET TO GO OUTSIDE UNTIL IT’S WINTER!!!! HE FEELS LIKE HE’S YELLING AT A WALL!!!!!!!!
He has upped his therapy sessions with Dr. Richard Nygard to five times a week.
Greg Pikitis is huge on TikTok and started the #CoronavirusChallenge where he would go around licking toilet seats in public restrooms. He is already infected and will start showing symptoms in three days.
Jerry is COVID-19 patient zero.
Images: Chris Haston/NBC; Giphy
Celebrities, they’re just like us! They get divorced. They abandon social media every so often after realizing how much people suck. They get caught talking sh*t…sort of. Oh, and they waste countless hours of their lives getting wine drunk every Monday and watching The Bachelor. Just, you know, probably with better wine. Who amongst the rich and famous has the same sordid reality TV tastes as you? All the ones you would expect, TBH. I’ll give you a guess: a whole lot of white women, and a few men who, at times, might as well be white women. Here are some celebrities who watch The Bachelor.
1. Allison Williams
It turns out The Bachelor franchise has produced at least one viable relationship: Allison Williams and her husband, Ricky Van Veen. They met at a Bachelor viewing party (why) and then got engaged at the same party just three years later (WHY). Wow. Can you imagine having to explain that to your children? “Mommy and Daddy fell in love while watching 13 blonde girls named Lauren get drunk and scream at each other in sequin ball gowns….for love.”
2. Anna Kendrick
This should come as no surprise, considering Anna Kendrick is still smack dab in the middle of her infinite campaign of being the most relatable celebrity of all time. She tweets weird things! She hates other people! She eats sh*tty food! She watches The Bachelor, and by extension, is also subject to countless SugarBearHair Vitamin ads.
Kaitlyn can do better. Like if my boyfriend left me for her, I'd get it. #TheBachelor
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 3, 2015
3. Ryan Reynolds
Always an entrepreneur, Ryan Reynolds managed to combine his (questionable) love for The Bachelor with some shameless self-promotion by live-tweeting the premiere of Ben Higgins’ seasons with the hashtag #DeadpoolOnTheBachelor. The Venn diagram of women who watch The Bachelor and women who love Ryan Reynolds is, in fact, a circle, so this was a wise move on his part.
4. Amy Schumer
Amy Schumer popped up on a group date episode during Kaitlyn’s seasons of The Bachelorette, which immediately earns her a place on this list. I can see her being the friend at the viewing party who pretends to hate it the entire season, but ends up crying during the finale when Peter Kraus has his heart broken into a million pieces on national television her favorite ends up going home.
5. John Mayer
John Mayer may be the most relatable person on this list of celebrities who watch The Bachelor because he harbors a crippling addiction to show but is physically incapable of watching an entire two hour episode. Honestly, this is the hottest take of 2018. Somebody call The Cut. They’re probably not too busy these days. His favorite part? Girls crying in helicopters. “If you get tears in flight, that is prime stuff.” What? Everyone has their kink.
6. Sarah Hyland
There are Bachelor fans, and then there are Bachelor Fans. Sarah Hyland has secured a lauded spot in the second category. Not by hosting some viewing parties amongst her friends or starting a Bachelor bracket in her office. Not even by being one of those people who own Bachelor-themed clothing (looking at you, Kaley Cuoco). No, Sarah Hyland has transcended all those benchmarks and snagged herself a Bachelor alum to date: the criminally under-appreciated during his season, Wells Adams. The two are cute as hell and we’re over here just wondering when Sarah is going to release her how-to book.
7. Adam Scott
Ben Wyatt watches The Bachelor and therefore you should watch The Bachelor. Furthermore, Ben Wyatt refuses to feel guilty about watching The Bachelor. You hear that, ladies? 2019 is the year we loudly and unapologetically rep the sh*tty things we love.
8. Dakota Fanning
I would have added Dakota Fanning to this list even without proof, solely because she looks like the epitome of a Bachelor fan. I hate to pigeonhole the poor thing, but I’m going to. Dakota Fanning likes The Bachelor. Dakota Fanning likes pumpkin spice lattes (but like….healthy ones). Dakota Fanning has a pair of UGGs in the back of her closet that she only breaks out on really desperate occasions because, f*ck it, it’s COLD. In short, we are all Dakota Fanning.
Images: Giphy (1); @AnnaKendrick47/ Twitter; @wellsadams/Instagram