Is Bekah M. Married Already? We Investigate The Rumors

You guys. I don’t know what we did to make the ABC Gods so happy this week, but the Bachelor news is seriously nonstop. Yesterday, the news broke that Bekah Martinez, the little pixie that thankfully escaped Arie, is pregnant. This obviously cleared up her decision to skip Bachelor In Paradise, but we were still left with some important questions about her relationship. Other than the fact that they created a fetus together, we really don’t know much about Bekah and her mans. Well, thanks to an illuminating comment from barb1994 (thanks fam!) and some light Instagram stalking, I have a theory to investigate: is Bekah M married to Grayston already?

Sound crazy? That’s because it is. But boy oh boy, Grayston’s Instagram has some interesting information to unpack. First of all, did we know that he’s a rock climbing instructor? He’s currently building his own bouldering gym from the ground up, so at least the boy has ambition. Okay, sorry, back to the (alleged) wedding. On September 4th, Grayston (still not over this name ugh) posted two Instagrams that need some serious analysis.

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Stuck with this beach

A post shared by Grayston Leonard (@pipyopi) on

In the first photo, we just have some clues to go on. By that, I mean that this looks like a damn wedding photo. Like, the kind of wedding photo that a 23-year-old who’s into meditation and sh*t like that would want to have. Notice the strategic placement of Bekah’s gigantic hat over her then-secret baby bump! While this is the cuter photo of the two, the second one is where things really get interesting.

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After 48 hours of marriage, I am foregoing a life with Rebekah for an annulment. she’s not happy about it.

A post shared by Grayston Leonard (@pipyopi) on

WHAT? In the photo, Grayston (still ew) and Bekah are still wearing their hippie wedding outfits, and the caption is a joke about literally being married!! With a caption like this, they’re either married, or Grayston is deliberately trolling Bachelor nation. Too bad he’s in a relationship, because it seems like he’d do well with the psychos on these shows.

Alas, it looks like Grayston really is just a troll after all. In an Instagram story on Tuesday, he said that they’re not actually married. Probably for the best, considering that less than a year ago Bekah was on a reality show looking for love with someone else. In fact, until like two months ago, Bekah made Grayston keep his Instagram private so people wouldn’t know they were together. They can do whatever they want, but it seems a little soon to get married.

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@whats_ur_sign has finally lifted the restrictions on my instagram. The training wheels are off and this lil boy gets to run wild and share my love and affection publicly. This is my lady and I’m proud of it.

A post shared by Grayston Leonard (@pipyopi) on

Another day, another Bachelor myth busted. It’s hard work we do here, but it’s important. For now, we’ll just enjoy the next few months of pregnancy photos from Bekah, which will hopefully tide us over until we get to meet Colton’s batch of Instagram thots hopeless romantics. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss Paradise already?

Got a theory you want to share with us? Did a celebrity send you aggressive DMs? Send the receipts to our tip line, [email protected]!

Images: @pipyopi / Instagram (3)

Bekah M. From ‘The Bachelor’ Is Pregnant

If you thought we’d finally stop writing about Bachelor gossip until at least January when Colton loses his virginity the new season of The Bachelor airs, think again, people, because this just in: Bekah M. is pregnant. It’s been a wild week in Bachelor news. First we discovered that Jenna and Jordan’s relationship might be fake, then Amanda Stanton was arrested in Las Vegas, and now our favorite baby prostitute is having a baby. They say the devil works hard, but, damnit, Mike Fleiss works harder.

Bekah confirmed the pregnancy (and also that I’m a goddamn psychic) on her Instagram story earlier this morning. If you’ll recall, I had predicted way back in July that Bekah might be pregnant when she dropped out of Bachelor in Paradise at the last minute because she suddenly found “love.” Lol as if that’s a viable reason not to ruin your life on national television for our personal enjoyment. Please. And, look, I’m not saying I can see into the future or anything but I’m not not saying that you should let me read your palms for 20 bucks a pop. DM me for inquiries!

In an interview with PureWow, Bekah confirmed that she’s expecting her first child with a man who looks suspiciously like Arie’s double her boyfriend Grayson Leonard. Casual reminder that Bekah has only been dating said boyfriend for seven months. SEVEN MONTHS. I’ve literally had unanswered messages in my Hinge inbox for a longer period of time, but okay.

Apparently the couple found out they were going to be parents after only three months of dating, but Bekah knew it was right because it was “legitimately a dream come true.” It’s funny because my dreams at 23 were more about extending a blackout from 11am brunch to 1am at the club, but to each her own.

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In an exclusive interview with PureWow, ‘Bachelor’ fan favorite, Bekah Martinez (@whats_ur_sign) is revealing a piece of news even more mind-blowing than the Arie-Lauren-Becca fiasco: she’s pregnant. What do you think? Boy or girl? ???????? LINK IN BIO for the full story.

A post shared by PureWow (@purewow) on

In the interview she also admits that the pregnancy played a part in her turning down Paradise (surprise, surprise!) because apparently motherhood is only sexy when the kid is only mentioned off-offhandedly on-screen. Got it. 

Bekah is due in January of 2019, which I’m sure is purely coincidental and not at all planned according to a Bachelor schedule. Seriously, don’t expect her to schedule a c-section for the day after Colton’s season airs, because that’s just crazy and she would never do something like that!!

In all seriousness, we’re v v happy for Bekah. I mean, it was only one year ago that this same girl was reported missing because she got too high and forgot to text her mom back. But, I mean, Mazel Tov! Ever happiness to you both!

IMAGES: Giphy (1); @purewow /Instagram (1)

All The Gross Ways Leo Tried To Gaslight Kendall On ‘Paradise’

I’ll be the first to admit it—anyone still watching Bachelor in Paradise and expecting to see anything but the contestants at their absolute worst is a fool. And most of the time, I’m fine with that. But Leo talking to Kendall on last night’s episode absolutely made my blood boil. I never understood why Becca kept him around as long as she did. And I understood even less when I started seeing the DMs Bekah was getting about him. As if it weren’t enough that Leo’s presence is breaking poor Grocery Joe’s heart, Leo now decided to go off on Kendall in the most f*ckboy-ish way I’ve seen since Dean. Leo: you’re not pretty enough to pull that off, and even Dean barely got away with it. Here are all the things Leo said to Kendall that should make you run far, far away.

“You’re A Really Good Actress”

So (spoilers, kind of), let’s remind ourselves why they’re even having this fight. Kendall found out that Leo kissed Chelsea, and is understandably taken aback. Not even really because of the kiss—Leo’s right, to an extent, that everyone’s talking to everyone—but because he went out of his way to keep it a secret from only her. Doing that takes away any credibility that you’re actually looking for a relationship. Kendall would obviously see that on TV when it aired. So, keeping it a secret proved that Leo just wanted to get a rose, not pursue a future with her. Color me shocked.

Moving on to the actual comment here—this is a classic move from a guy who’s done something shady and doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. Kendall isn’t even outright pissed—she literally just questions him about it. But he immediately turns it around as though she has something to prove in this conversation instead of him. He acts like she could never have liked him at all if she’s doubting him now, and tries to force her into the position of fighting for his affection. It’s a classic bully move: she expresses unhappiness with one action, and he holds their entire history and relationship hostage unless she drops it.

This is how sh*tty guys get out of ever changing anything or apologizing. They constantly force their partner into considering their concerns too minor to risk the relationship over. But the fact is, the relationship should never have been at stake—and they wouldn’t be putting it at stake if they really cared about it.

“You Really Tricked Me”

At this point, Leo has invented an entire drama where Kendall was only pretending to like him. Casual reminder that Kendall has said literally nothing to suggest this. Second casual reminder that they are having this conversation because LEO went for someone else. Just in case anyone else feels like they’re taking crazy pills. Anyway, Leo spins all this bullsh*t at Kendall just to divert attention from his own messed up behavior, and try to make it about his own hurt feelings. Not only that, but to make Kendall feel like crap in the process if at all possible.

By refusing to even address what she came to talk about, Leo is being so dismissive that it’s hard to believe he sees her as human. His only interest is in walking out with the upper hand—whether that’s by manipulating her into coming back to him, or trying to make her seem like a crazy b*tch and walking away. This. Guy. Is. Garbage.

“I Don’t Know How You’re Still Single”

This moment in his tirade disappointed me, because Kendall responded by saying “you’re making me feel wonderful.” Admittedly, in the context of “you’re also making me feel like crap,” but still. Kendall, do not let this backhanded swill make you feel wonderful!!! Also included in this section of Leo’s commentary were “I don’t know how Arie didn’t pick you” and “I don’t know how you haven’t found someone.” All of these “compliments” are just a way of reminding her, when she’s already vulnerable, that she is, in fact, still single. That Arie didn’t pick her—which I’m sure was painful. That she hasn’t found a guy, or been picked by a guy. All very real insecurities for anyone who’s single and unhappy about it, let alone someone who has gone on two TV shows to find a boyfriend.

By negging her in this way, Leo is trying to chip away at Kendall’s confidence. He’s trying to make her less secure in her value by reminding her of times when she hasn’t been chosen. And he’s doing all this while responding to her saying “why did you secretly kiss another girl” with “I guess this whole relationship was a lie” and acting like he’s over it already. He’s hoping if he dangles the threat of being alone hard enough, she’ll just say “never mind forget I said anything please just take me back!” Again, “I don’t know how you’re still single” is a terrible “compliment.” “I’m so glad I met you” is what good, normal guys say. Good guys respect you enough to treat your relationship status as a choice, and not imply that they’ve failed at something by not having a boyfriend.

I’m sure I could go on, but you get the idea. Never, ever let guys get away with invalidating your concerns, redirecting every issue back to their own feelings, threatening the relationship every time you try to have a conversation, or actively trying to make you feel insecure. I am more than ready to see Leo go home tonight—Kendall, please girl, dump that hairy man-child and make it as cruel as you can manage.

Images: Giphy (3)

Why Did Bekah M. Drop Out Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’? Our Theories

It’s a sad day in Paradise, folks, because our favorite baby prostitute, Bekah Martinez, just dropped out of the season. That’s right, people, Baby Bekah, the beloved down-on-her-luck stoner who was just barely old enough to be Arie’s adoptive daughter but somehow almost made it to Hometowns, has just confirmed that she won’t be ruining her life on a Mexican beach this summer for our enjoyment. Boooooo.

If you’ll recall, Bekah was one of the first people to confirm her spot on BiP during Arie’s season on The Women Tell All, which is extra interesting because now she’s pretending like that never even happened. K. It’s like she doesn’t realize that I literally get paid to keep her receipts or something? Nice try, honeyyyy. Bekah’s saying the reason she won’t be getting carded by Wells in Paradise this season is because she has a new man in her life and realized that “it wasn’t worth it” to “possibly jeopardize what had with .” Okay, first of all, I call bullsh*t. I don’t for one second believe that Little Miss Age-Is-Nothing-But-A-Number would ever willingly give up a chance to stand on her boho soap box for national television. This is the same girl who graduated college and six months later decided that getting a funky hair cut and denying her real age would be the perfect way to launch her career as an Instagram model on The Bachelor. So, no, I’m not buying this “I found love IRL” excuse. NOPE.

^Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t trying to be the next sponsor for FabFitFun? Does it?!

There’s way more to the story here, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to start rumors get to the bottom of this with some v well-developed theories of my own. So put on your tin foil hats, people, because it’s time to talk conspiracy theories.

Theory #1: She’s Pregnant

I’m going to start off with the most insane but weirdly plausible theory first: Bekah M is pregnant. Stick with me here. There’s a rumor that’s been circulating for awhile now that Bekah is, in fact, pregnant, which would explain why she’s suddenly not going to be on Paradise. Reality Steve addressed the rumor on his site and said this: “This hasn’t been reported by a major outlet yet that I’ve seen, so I guess Bekah can pretend she doesn’t know the story is out there, even though I’m pretty sure she does.” EVEN THOUGH HE’S PRETTY SURE SHE DOES. Okay, so it’s not super solid evidence, but Bekah is always ready to start drama on Twitter so it’s curious AF that she hasn’t confirmed or denied said rumor yet. And if you think it about it, it kind of makes sense. I mean, how can one destroy their reputation in Mexico one piña colada at time if she’s pregnant? SHE CAN’T. Tbh I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an Ashley I and Jared and keep the pregnancy under wraps until ABC can blackmail People into reporting on it before the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words, people, because I’m seeing into the goddamn future here!

Theory #2: Her Mother Threatened To Report Her Missing Again

No one can forget the infamous missing persons report Bekah’s mother filed while her daughter was off seducing a man in his midlife crisis—mostly because Bekah won’t let us effing forget. If Mrs. Martinez thought that watching a grown man fit his entire fist through her daughter’s hoop earring while making out with her was painful to see, then I can only imagine what she would make of the abominations that take place on ABC’s slice of Mexican beach. Considering my mother tried to rescind my college fund after I got my belly button pierced on spring break without her permission, I can only imagine the lengths Mrs. Martinez would go to stop her daughter from drunkenly defending her age to every available camera man on that island. Never underestimate the power of the person who pays your cell phone bills, amiright Bekah?

Theory #3: Tia & Raven Conspired Against Her

I know this sounds far-fetched, but again, that’s my job hear me out. A few weeks ago Bekah put Tia on blast on Twitter for being a selfish bitch her relationship with Colton. She recently apologized for the rage blackout that inspired those beautifully savage tweets, which feels very off-brand for the girl whose motto throughout her entire Bachelor career has been #sorrynotsorry. Like, sorry not sorry Arie likes me, sorry not sorry I was born in 1995, sorry not sorry I’m ready for love. WE GET IT. So, yeah, this feels  like Bekah is trying to get back into Tia’s good graces before they’re stranded on a literal island together. AND THEN right after she apologizes, all of a sudden she announces she’s actually not going to be on Paradise after all? It’s almost like that half-assed apology went over about as well as Becca’s formal wear this season? Look, I’m not saying Tia and Raven had anything to do with this but I’m also not not saying that Raven didn’t threaten to beat her with a shoe some shady business didn’t go down behind the scenes. I mean, production owes Tia big time for pity-giving Becca the Bachelorette spot this season, and if they had to cut Millennial Tinkerbell to do it, they probably would.

We may never know the true reason why Bekah decided to settle down with a rando who looks suspiciously like Arie (seriously look him up) instead of going to Paradise like God and Mike Fleiss intended, but I sure as sh*t do not buy that it was for love. I guess only time and refreshing People’s homepage one million times will tell!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Has A Premiere Date & Here Are Our Predictions

Well friends, it’s finally summer. And you know what that means—it’s time to go to a Mexican resort, get blackout drunk, and hook up with people who may or may not have a criminal record. Oh, wait! That’s what they’ll be doing on Bachelor in Paradise. I’ll be watching from my couch alone in an old *NSYNC T-shirt. At least I have air conditioning! That’s right folks, ABC has officially announced that everyone’s favorite cautionary tale spin-off will return on Tuesday, August 7, with a 2-hour premiere episode. That’s 120 minutes of watching women desperately try to will their eyelash extensions to stay put in 2000% humidity. How did we get so blessed?!

ABC hasn’t announced the cast yet, but it usually includes losers from the most recent Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, so expect to see Arie castoffs including Tia, Kendall, Bekah, Caroline, Krystal, etc. Anyone that at least made a minor splash on the show and even the ones who didn’t will probably show up because hey! ABC’s standards for contestants these days are about as high as my standards for a man (and tbh I just require them to be breathing). We’ll also get a bunch of Becca’s guys, or at least as many as they can spring from jail for a 2-week furlough. Chris Harrison basically confirmed on Twitter that fan favorite Grocery Joe will be there, and I’m sure we will get The Pensive Gentleman™, Colton, and a few others.

The best thing about Bachelor in Paradise, other than the fact that it’s not me making a fool of myself on national TV, is trying to figure out who is going to couple up. Or, in Ashley and Jared’s case, who is going to threaten to drown a fellow contestant in her never-ending ocean of tears until the other contestant’s fear is so strong that he proposes. There’s not one right way to have a relationship, people. So, I’ve put on my thinking hat and come up with a few predicted couples for this season. Full disclosure: this is based on nothing but my intuition that has steered me completely wrong for the last few decades, so if any of these are right, I’ll be expecting a prize. Shall we get started?

Tia & Colton

So this one’s kind of obvious, but since I’m sure the rest of my predictions will be wrong, LET ME HAVE THIS. Obviously, Colton is still on Becca’s season, but we all know she’s keeping him around for his looks. I don’t care how many seasons the dude’s spent warming the benches in the NFL, there’s no way the Bachelorette is picking him if he slid into her friend’s DMs months ago. Rest assured he will be on Bachelor in Paradise. Human shit stirrer herself, Bekah M, basically confirmed this would be happening on Twitter last week, and as much as I think she usually is grasping at straws to stay relevant, we all know she’s right about this happening. I mean, even my grandma could see this coming a mile away and she can’t even find her glasses. Expect this relationship to get a lot of airtime, and maybe Colton will even lose his virginity to a woman whose first sentence uttered on national television involved the word “weiner.”

Kendall & Grocery Joe

I’m hoping that Kendall and Joe will be the couple to watch in Paradise this year. They are both attractive in a normal way: Kendall doesn’t look like she was made in a Mattel factory and is hiding an on-switch under her left foot, and Joe is not a man with a blowout and spray tan. Snaps for Kendall and Joe. They also both appreciate animals, even if it is in a different way. I imagine a lovely night in for them as a couple would be Kendall killing, skinning, and stuffing a chicken while Joe makes the meat into a delicious pot pie. What a lovely little life.

Meet the newest addition to my taxidermy collection Poppy! She is a ram mount found at Long Beach Flea-market and is such a beauty ????✨ And my hair matches her too ???? Tried crimping for the first time!! Plus @amandarileyhairstylist brightened me up with blonde for the summer ✨???? #hairtwins #taxidermy

A post shared by Kendall Long ???????? (@keykendall88) on

Krystal & Jordan

Krystal and Jordan are a match made in reality TV heaven. Or hell, depending on who you’re asking. Krystal is the woman who got mad when Arie invited extra women on their group date, claiming it was unfair. She clearly wanted the attention on her, and Jordan is certainly never going to ignore her for other women. He only has eyes for himself! They also are both in professions that focus a lot on physical appearance, so they can spend their time together looking in mirrors and drinking green juice. Let’s just hope Jordan doesn’t have a needle dick, am I right Krystal?

Bekah & Clay

Bekah wants to be famous, that much is clear. She stirs shit up for no reason cough *Twitter feud with Raven* cough, puts her famous ex on blast, and lets her mom think she was kidnapped just so she could smoke some weed. You’re nobody until you’re a missing person. Clay was the genuine and sweet football player that got injured in episode 3 playing football with male models and sales reps. Bless his heart. I feel like he’d be easily manipulated by The Bachelor’s very own manic pixie dream girl, and he’s her perfect mark since his profession already gives him a level of fame. Expect to see her rip his heart out with her bare hands and serve it to him for dinner.

dm’ing your ex on twitter is a great look too, no? ????☕️ #teampetty #teambecca

A post shared by BEKAH MARTINEZ (@whats_ur_sign) on

And of course, Caroline will end up alone with her self-righteousness. As will I. Let me know if I missed any dream couples!

Images: Giphy (3); @keykendall88/Instagram; @whats_ur_sign/Instagram

Dean Just Leaked One Person Who Will Be On ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

In case you were too busy blacking out this weekend to notice, Dean “I Still Hate You For What You Did To The Russian Orphan” Unglert fucked up once again. And, no, I don’t mean with women (for once). No, this weekend Dean spilled the beanies about Kendall joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise this summer. Dean, along with some other Bachelor alums still clinging to their relevance with every Insta endorsement they can get their hands on, were spotted at Stagecoach this weekend looking like the reason my mother warned me against sorority mixers.  He put up an Instagram photo with Kendall and crew that all but confirmed Kendall’s spot in Mexico this summer. You had one job, Dean!

Shall we take a look at the damning photo?

Altogether we have 7 BIP’s under our belt-buckles and we’re giving our best (unsolicited) advice to @keykendall88 #boohooontheroad #yeehaw @boohoo

A post shared by Dean Michael Unglert (@deanie_babies) on

Take a look at that caption. At press time, it reads, “Altogether we have 7 BIP’s under our belt-buckles and we’re giving our best (unsolicited) advice to @keykendall88”. And somewhere by a pool Chris Harrison just choked on his margarita.

But seriously there’s, like, so much to unpack in this photo. First of all, Dean, I know this is Stagecoach and you five are going to use that as an excuse to live your best, whitest lives, but I am feeling personally victimized by that bandana. And also the entire outfit and vibe of this group outing. It’s v upsetting. Secondly, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? You can’t just leak classified information like that! I’m sure ABC probably had some expensive PR stunt lined up to announce Kendall’s Paradise debut and here Dean is, hopped up on denim and country music, just writing Instagram captions like there aren’t any consequences to his actions. Well, there are, buddy, just believe you me!

Since the photo wasn’t immediately deleted I’m assuming that ABC either okay’d this entire thing, or they just finally gave up trying to control the poorly trained circus animals they call their Bachelor alum. I, for one, am THRILLED that Kendall will be joining the Paradise crew. Kendall was the third runner up in He Who Must Not Be Named Arie’s season and also, more importantly, was the girl who played with dead animals. Kendall captured America’s hearts by being weird AF and also Arie’s dick attention because I’m pretty sure he thought she’d be a freak in the sheets.

Kendall will be joining her bestie Bekah M, who’s the only other person confirmed as a Paradise cast member. We don’t know anything about the other cast members just yet, but I doubt we’ll have to wait long if all it takes is Dean getting drunk to break ABC’s air-tight NDAs.

Sources have also confirmed that Paradise might be getting some foreign cast members! That’s right, people, Robert Mills, ABC’s Senior VP Alternative Series & Late-Night Programming, has said that we should expect foreign Bachelors from across the globe to join the American beach trash in Mexico this summer. Mills alluded that ABC learned a lot from Winter Games last February and is thinking of combining elements of the two Bachelor spin-offs for Paradise this summer:

“There were a lot of learnings from Winter Games, where it wasn’t a show where you were bringing in people every week… There will certainly be the hallmarks of Bachelor in Paradise, but I think we will definitely take into account the stuff from Winter Games, where it definitely seemed to form some really strong couples, and at the end of the day that’s the goal.”

Lol k. First of all, the only thing any of us learned from Winter Games is that Americans would gladly throw away their virginities for a Flat Tummy Tea endorsement if asked to, and that Luke Pell is trash. Secondly, strong couples, you say??  You mean Clare and Benoit, whose love blossomed out of Benoit sliding into her DMs post-show? Or Dean and Lesley, whose relationship lasted about as long as it took for Dean to restore his good guy image? Yes, based on that model, I can’t wait to see how strong and committed these new relationships will be!!

She says about the man whose proposal she accepted two episodes later…

Whatever. All I can hope for at this point is that Luke shows up in Mexico and Kendall skins him alive. It’s the little things that keep me going, ya know?

Images: @Deanie_Babies /Instagram (1); Giphy (3)

Here’s Who Gained The Most IG Followers From ‘The Bachelor’

I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it feels like we’re the only ones who actually care about The Bachelor. But today I know there’s at least one other Bachelor-obsessed psycho out there, because someone analyzed the data on Bachelor contestants getting Instagram famous. Thank god, now that this information exists I can finally go to sleep. Seriously, this must have taken a lot of work, because there are percentages and screenshots and just overall meticulous research. This person is definitely getting a rose. Arie tried pretty hard to ruin The Bachelor forever, but it’s real homies like this that keep the love going even in a world of fuckboys.

It’s no surprise that going on a show like The Bachelor leads to a nice bump in your social media stats, but not all influencers are created equal. Some of the women on Arie’s season had thousands of followers before they were even cast, while others had sad little private accounts with only a few hundred followers. While all of the women from season 22 (still unbelievable that there have been that many seasons) increased their follower total, it’s interesting to see who benefits the most from their time making a fool of themselves on national TV.

Nothing much, just a Flat Tummy Tea sponsorship.

This season, it’s no surprise that the girls who gained the most followers were the ones who made it to the end. Becca K. is the overall winner (and no one can take this win away from her), after she went from a private account with 450 followers (sad!) to over 600,000. That’s an increase of 139,475%. Congratulations Becca, you fucking won. With her announcement as the next Bachelorette, she’ll likely go even higher. It’s what she deserves.

Words can’t express everything I’m feeling tonight, but I’m so beyond grateful for the love, support and well-wishes. I’m beyond excited for this next chapter of my journey and to have shared the start of that all with you tonight. Now we’re doing the damn thing ????

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

The rest of this season’s top five, in order, are Tia, with a 28,863% increase; Lauren B., with 24,587%; Bekah M., with 14,633%; and Jacqueline, with 13,334%. Lauren B. wins the prize for most followers but least personality, while Bekah is obviously just like, the best. Bekah and Bibiana are also the first two girls from the season to get verified, which means they’re better than you and they know it, and also that Bibiana has an amazing publicist.

Fittingly, the women who went home first also gained the fewest followers. No offense ladies, but I don’t follow anyone who I couldn’t pick out from a crowd, or anyone who spells Britney with an “-ane” ending. It’s just a personal rule of mine, and I make no apologies. Seriously, does anyone remember who these people are? Valerie? Amber? Nope, completely blank.

So obviously it’s fun to look at these Instagram stats, but it also highlights a bigger phenomenon that we’ve seen on The Bachelor in recent years: some people might, like, um, not be there for the right reasons? Back when this shit started, it was all just innocent women who seemed like they were kind of over the whole dating scene, and they really wanted to find love! Simpler times.

Now, everyone comes in with catchphrases, a social media strategy, and at least two side projects that they’re already working on. You really think she’s a nurse? No silly, she’s just doing nursing while she waits to get endorsed by her favorite hair straightener brand. Overall it doesn’t really matter because this is just The Bachelor, but it’s pretty obvious why people want to go on the show, and it’s not Arie’s overwhelming charm.

So basically, if you want guaranteed Instagram fame, all you have to do is make it on The Bachelor, and preferably finish in the top six or seven. Bonus points if you cause enough drama to get picked for Paradise because that’s just one more opportunity to grow your ~brand~. Or like, do that shit for love if that’s what you’re into, I’m not judging.

Images: Giphy (3); Instagram: @bkoof

Bekah M. Is Roasting Arie On Social Media & It’s The Best Thing Ever

If you missed Monday night’s shocking Bachelor finale, you might not know yet that Arie Luyendyk Jr. is literally the scum of the earth. Oh wait, we’ve all known that for weeks now. But after the first part of the finale, it’s no question that Arie will go down in Bachelor history as one of the biggest fuckboys of all time. LOL that a year ago we were all complaining about Nick, but we didn’t know just how much worse things could get. Simpler times, when our biggest complaint was Vanessa being a huge bitch who obviously wasn’t there for the right reasons.

While you were busy posting hot takes on Twitter, the women who know Arie best were equally disgusted by his behavior. No one had more to say about the nightmare finale than our sweet little woodland creature Bekah M. Though she’s only a young child of 22, we’ve discussed that Bekah has the highest emotional maturity of anyone this season, and that includes calling Arie on his bullshit. Bekah suffered through the finale with her fellow week seven Arie victim Seinne (and hopefully a laaaaarge bottle of wine), and they both wasted absolutely no time roasting Arie all over social media.

Baby Bekah and I just cringed through the most painful ending in Bachelor history live with the East Coast. West Coast, make sure you’re tuning in! It’s truly like nothing you’ve seen before! #thebachelor

A post shared by Seinne Celeste Fleming ???? (@seinnefleming) on

Seinne kept things civil in her Insta caption, just calling the ending “painful,” and telling everyone on the West Coast to watch like the good ABC advertisement that she is. Bekah, on the other hand, wasn’t in the mood to hold back.

actual photo of me screaming at the tv last night

— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018

Um, yeah, who the fuck snuck into my apartment and took this photo of me!? Have you no respect for my privacy??  Like Bekah M., I am truly appalled at Arie’s behavior, but she has a little more personal experience with it.

hahahahahaha @ariejr is the biggest fucking tool i’ve ever seen. becca is a queen. a goddess. thank the LORD he’s out of her life

— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018

Is there anything better on the internet than Bekah screaming out her support for the other Becca? I think not. Sorry Oprah, but Bekah M. for President. Oh wait, she won’t be old enough to run until 2032. Ha ha ha Bekah you are tiny sweet baby, why do you need love!!!

As if Arie wasn’t a big enough fuckboy on the TV show, he also decided to slide into Bekah M.’s DMs, which is both so confusing and also just like no?

dm’ing your ex is a good look too ???? @ariejr

— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018

Okay, so the milk carton meme from when Bekah M. was reported missing is literally incredible, but Arie, why the FUCK are you messaging our little fragile child? You dumped her on national TV, leave the girl alone. He also DMed her a photo, presumably from a high school dance or some shit, with the creepy message that she was born the same year as his first 2-on-1. Excuse me while I call the police and Child Protective Services. Bekah really just needs to block Arie just like he blocked us, because there is nothing good coming out of that relationship.

that moment when you realize you dodged a bullet @ariejr

— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018

So we’ll obvi be watching tonight to see if Arie ultimately ends up with Lauren, but for her sake she should stay far away. We love you Bekah M., keep doing the Lord’s work and don’t let Arie get within 500 feet of you.

Images: ABC; @seinnefleming / Instagram; @whats_ur_sign_ / Twitter (4)