You guys. I don’t know what we did to make the ABC Gods so happy this week, but the Bachelor news is seriously nonstop. Yesterday, the news broke that Bekah Martinez, the little pixie that thankfully escaped Arie, is pregnant. This obviously cleared up her decision to skip Bachelor In Paradise, but we were still left with some important questions about her relationship. Other than the fact that they created a fetus together, we really don’t know much about Bekah and her mans. Well, thanks to an illuminating comment from barb1994 (thanks fam!) and some light Instagram stalking, I have a theory to investigate: is Bekah M married to Grayston already?
Sound crazy? That’s because it is. But boy oh boy, Grayston’s Instagram has some interesting information to unpack. First of all, did we know that he’s a rock climbing instructor? He’s currently building his own bouldering gym from the ground up, so at least the boy has ambition. Okay, sorry, back to the (alleged) wedding. On September 4th, Grayston (still not over this name ugh) posted two Instagrams that need some serious analysis.
In the first photo, we just have some clues to go on. By that, I mean that this looks like a damn wedding photo. Like, the kind of wedding photo that a 23-year-old who’s into meditation and sh*t like that would want to have. Notice the strategic placement of Bekah’s gigantic hat over her then-secret baby bump! While this is the cuter photo of the two, the second one is where things really get interesting.
WHAT? In the photo, Grayston (still ew) and Bekah are still wearing their hippie wedding outfits, and the caption is a joke about literally being married!! With a caption like this, they’re either married, or Grayston is deliberately trolling Bachelor nation. Too bad he’s in a relationship, because it seems like he’d do well with the psychos on these shows.
Alas, it looks like Grayston really is just a troll after all. In an Instagram story on Tuesday, he said that they’re not actually married. Probably for the best, considering that less than a year ago Bekah was on a reality show looking for love with someone else. In fact, until like two months ago, Bekah made Grayston keep his Instagram private so people wouldn’t know they were together. They can do whatever they want, but it seems a little soon to get married.
Another day, another Bachelor myth busted. It’s hard work we do here, but it’s important. For now, we’ll just enjoy the next few months of pregnancy photos from Bekah, which will hopefully tide us over until we get to meet Colton’s batch of Instagram thots hopeless romantics. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss Paradise already?
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Images: @pipyopi / Instagram (3)
If you thought we’d finally stop writing about Bachelor gossip until at least January when Colton loses his virginity the new season of The Bachelor airs, think again, people, because this just in: Bekah M. is pregnant. It’s been a wild week in Bachelor news. First we discovered that Jenna and Jordan’s relationship might be fake, then Amanda Stanton was arrested in Las Vegas, and now our favorite baby prostitute is having a baby. They say the devil works hard, but, damnit, Mike Fleiss works harder.
Bekah confirmed the pregnancy (and also that I’m a goddamn psychic) on her Instagram story earlier this morning. If you’ll recall, I had predicted way back in July that Bekah might be pregnant when she dropped out of Bachelor in Paradise at the last minute because she suddenly found “love.” Lol as if that’s a viable reason not to ruin your life on national television for our personal enjoyment. Please. And, look, I’m not saying I can see into the future or anything but I’m not not saying that you should let me read your palms for 20 bucks a pop. DM me for inquiries!
In an interview with PureWow, Bekah confirmed that she’s expecting her first child with a man who looks suspiciously like Arie’s double her boyfriend Grayson Leonard. Casual reminder that Bekah has only been dating said boyfriend for seven months. SEVEN MONTHS. I’ve literally had unanswered messages in my Hinge inbox for a longer period of time, but okay.
Apparently the couple found out they were going to be parents after only three months of dating, but Bekah knew it was right because it was “legitimately a dream come true.” It’s funny because my dreams at 23 were more about extending a blackout from 11am brunch to 1am at the club, but to each her own.
In the interview she also admits that the pregnancy played a part in her turning down Paradise (surprise, surprise!) because apparently motherhood is only sexy when the kid is only mentioned off-offhandedly on-screen. Got it.
Bekah is due in January of 2019, which I’m sure is purely coincidental and not at all planned according to a Bachelor schedule. Seriously, don’t expect her to schedule a c-section for the day after Colton’s season airs, because that’s just crazy and she would never do something like that!!
In all seriousness, we’re v v happy for Bekah. I mean, it was only one year ago that this same girl was reported missing because she got too high and forgot to text her mom back. But, I mean, Mazel Tov! Ever happiness to you both!
IMAGES: Giphy (1); @purewow /Instagram (1)
It’s a sad day in Paradise, folks, because our favorite baby prostitute, Bekah Martinez, just dropped out of the season. That’s right, people, Baby Bekah, the beloved down-on-her-luck stoner who was just barely old enough to be Arie’s adoptive daughter but somehow almost made it to Hometowns, has just confirmed that she won’t be ruining her life on a Mexican beach this summer for our enjoyment. Boooooo.
If you’ll recall, Bekah was one of the first people to confirm her spot on BiP during Arie’s season on The Women Tell All, which is extra interesting because now she’s pretending like that never even happened. K. It’s like she doesn’t realize that I literally get paid to keep her receipts or something? Nice try, honeyyyy. Bekah’s saying the reason she won’t be getting carded by Wells in Paradise this season is because she has a new man in her life and realized that “it wasn’t worth it” to “possibly jeopardize what had with .” Okay, first of all, I call bullsh*t. I don’t for one second believe that Little Miss Age-Is-Nothing-But-A-Number would ever willingly give up a chance to stand on her boho soap box for national television. This is the same girl who graduated college and six months later decided that getting a funky hair cut and denying her real age would be the perfect way to launch her career as an Instagram model on The Bachelor. So, no, I’m not buying this “I found love IRL” excuse. NOPE.
^Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t trying to be the next sponsor for FabFitFun? Does it?!
There’s way more to the story here, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to start rumors get to the bottom of this with some v well-developed theories of my own. So put on your tin foil hats, people, because it’s time to talk conspiracy theories.
Theory #1: She’s Pregnant
I’m going to start off with the most insane but weirdly plausible theory first: Bekah M is pregnant. Stick with me here. There’s a rumor that’s been circulating for awhile now that Bekah is, in fact, pregnant, which would explain why she’s suddenly not going to be on Paradise. Reality Steve addressed the rumor on his site and said this: “This hasn’t been reported by a major outlet yet that I’ve seen, so I guess Bekah can pretend she doesn’t know the story is out there, even though I’m pretty sure she does.” EVEN THOUGH HE’S PRETTY SURE SHE DOES. Okay, so it’s not super solid evidence, but Bekah is always ready to start drama on Twitter so it’s curious AF that she hasn’t confirmed or denied said rumor yet. And if you think it about it, it kind of makes sense. I mean, how can one destroy their reputation in Mexico one piña colada at time if she’s pregnant? SHE CAN’T. Tbh I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an Ashley I and Jared and keep the pregnancy under wraps until ABC can blackmail People into reporting on it before the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words, people, because I’m seeing into the goddamn future here!
Theory #2: Her Mother Threatened To Report Her Missing Again
No one can forget the infamous missing persons report Bekah’s mother filed while her daughter was off seducing a man in his midlife crisis—mostly because Bekah won’t let us effing forget. If Mrs. Martinez thought that watching a grown man fit his entire fist through her daughter’s hoop earring while making out with her was painful to see, then I can only imagine what she would make of the abominations that take place on ABC’s slice of Mexican beach. Considering my mother tried to rescind my college fund after I got my belly button pierced on spring break without her permission, I can only imagine the lengths Mrs. Martinez would go to stop her daughter from drunkenly defending her age to every available camera man on that island. Never underestimate the power of the person who pays your cell phone bills, amiright Bekah?
Theory #3: Tia & Raven Conspired Against Her
I know this sounds far-fetched, but again, that’s my job hear me out. A few weeks ago Bekah put Tia on blast on Twitter for being a selfish bitch her relationship with Colton. She recently apologized for the rage blackout that inspired those beautifully savage tweets, which feels very off-brand for the girl whose motto throughout her entire Bachelor career has been #sorrynotsorry. Like, sorry not sorry Arie likes me, sorry not sorry I was born in 1995, sorry not sorry I’m ready for love. WE GET IT. So, yeah, this feels like Bekah is trying to get back into Tia’s good graces before they’re stranded on a literal island together. AND THEN right after she apologizes, all of a sudden she announces she’s actually not going to be on Paradise after all? It’s almost like that half-assed apology went over about as well as Becca’s formal wear this season? Look, I’m not saying Tia and Raven had anything to do with this but I’m also not not saying that Raven didn’t threaten to beat her with a shoe some shady business didn’t go down behind the scenes. I mean, production owes Tia big time for pity-giving Becca the Bachelorette spot this season, and if they had to cut Millennial Tinkerbell to do it, they probably would.
We may never know the true reason why Bekah decided to settle down with a rando who looks suspiciously like Arie (seriously look him up) instead of going to Paradise like God and Mike Fleiss intended, but I sure as sh*t do not buy that it was for love. I guess only time and refreshing People’s homepage one million times will tell!
Images: Giphy (4)
If you missed Monday night’s shocking Bachelor finale, you might not know yet that Arie Luyendyk Jr. is literally the scum of the earth. Oh wait, we’ve all known that for weeks now. But after the first part of the finale, it’s no question that Arie will go down in Bachelor history as one of the biggest fuckboys of all time. LOL that a year ago we were all complaining about Nick, but we didn’t know just how much worse things could get. Simpler times, when our biggest complaint was Vanessa being a huge bitch who obviously wasn’t there for the right reasons.
While you were busy posting hot takes on Twitter, the women who know Arie best were equally disgusted by his behavior. No one had more to say about the nightmare finale than our sweet little woodland creature Bekah M. Though she’s only a young child of 22, we’ve discussed that Bekah has the highest emotional maturity of anyone this season, and that includes calling Arie on his bullshit. Bekah suffered through the finale with her fellow week seven Arie victim Seinne (and hopefully a laaaaarge bottle of wine), and they both wasted absolutely no time roasting Arie all over social media.
Seinne kept things civil in her Insta caption, just calling the ending “painful,” and telling everyone on the West Coast to watch like the good ABC advertisement that she is. Bekah, on the other hand, wasn’t in the mood to hold back.
actual photo of me screaming at the tv last night pic.twitter.com/wYj83cNRcz
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
Um, yeah, who the fuck snuck into my apartment and took this photo of me!? Have you no respect for my privacy?? Like Bekah M., I am truly appalled at Arie’s behavior, but she has a little more personal experience with it.
hahahahahaha @ariejr is the biggest fucking tool i’ve ever seen. becca is a queen. a goddess. thank the LORD he’s out of her life
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
Is there anything better on the internet than Bekah screaming out her support for the other Becca? I think not. Sorry Oprah, but Bekah M. for President. Oh wait, she won’t be old enough to run until 2032. Ha ha ha Bekah you are tiny sweet baby, why do you need love!!!
As if Arie wasn’t a big enough fuckboy on the TV show, he also decided to slide into Bekah M.’s DMs, which is both so confusing and also just like no?
dm’ing your ex is a good look too ???? @ariejr pic.twitter.com/dRQYw6fIbZ
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
Okay, so the milk carton meme from when Bekah M. was reported missing is literally incredible, but Arie, why the FUCK are you messaging our little fragile child? You dumped her on national TV, leave the girl alone. He also DMed her a photo, presumably from a high school dance or some shit, with the creepy message that she was born the same year as his first 2-on-1. Excuse me while I call the police and Child Protective Services. Bekah really just needs to block Arie just like he blocked us, because there is nothing good coming out of that relationship.
that moment when you realize you dodged a bullet @ariejr pic.twitter.com/jkW2dyS5Go
— bekah martinez ♡ (@whats_ur_sign_) March 6, 2018
So we’ll obvi be watching tonight to see if Arie ultimately ends up with Lauren, but for her sake she should stay far away. We love you Bekah M., keep doing the Lord’s work and don’t let Arie get within 500 feet of you.
Images: ABC; @seinnefleming / Instagram; @whats_ur_sign_ / Twitter (4)
Somehow we made it to The Bachelor: The Women Tell All and brace yourselves, people, because THE TEA IS ABOUT TO BE SPILLED. I know Chris Harrison literally says this about every tell-all, but I really do believe this might be the most dramatic episode ever. Why do I think this, you may ask? Because Arie just tweeted this v inspired message about tonight’s episode: “Bachelor in Paradise auditions wait I mean ‘Women Tell All’. Tune in tonight, good old fashion drama.” *slow claps* Okay, Arie. All the flavors in the world and you choose to be salty? Well, fam, if that’s not telling as to how this tell all is about to go then IDK what is. Let’s do this people!
Chris Harrison brings out the women, and it’s good to know that Jenna’s coke problem is still alive and well.
^^ Actual footage of Jenna at the tell-all
I mean, if it’s not a coke problem then I’m sincerely alarmed by her energy levels. Sincerely. Alarmed.
We’re 15 minutes into this tell-all and already talking about Bekah M and her age. Thank god I didn’t devise a drinking game around this or I’d already be wasted. Bekah keeps talking about how she’s feeling personally victimized by the legal adults other women and I’ve honestly had enough of this bitch. If she didn’t want her age to be an issue than she shouldn’t have made it such a big deal in the first place by being literally the only woman to not disclose her age until she was forced to probably at gunpoint by a producer. BYE.
BEKAH: I’m sorry I can’t control that I was born in 1995!
ME:
Moving on. Chris invites Krystal up to the hot seat, and she seems to have matured since the last time we saw her. And by “matured” I mean she no longer sounds like a baby prostitute. Interesting. Let’s hope that this scandal is addressed here tonight.
Yo, are we finally getting to find out what the fuck happened during that group bowling date? ARE WE?? Is ABC actually going to give us an answer for once in the entire history of this godforsaken show?
Wait. So all Krystal did off camera during the bowling date was call Arie a needle dick? Descriptive, but also not that different from how I’ve been describing him for the past eight weeks, so.
Ah, my favorite moment during a tell-all: when the floor is opened for a public skewering. *turns up volume*
Bekah M, the girl who actively tried to hide her real age from Arie for six straight episodes, just urged Krystal to “be the real her!” and to be “open and honest with people!” Lol k.
Wow Caroline is auditioning HARD for her spot on Bachelor in Paradise. She’s like “how dare you hurt these ladies that I love with all my heart” and it’s like, didn’t you go home week three? Yeah, you love these ladies about as much as you’d love to endorse a tea that gives you the runs. Please.
Olivia, a girl whom I’ve never seen before in my entire life, asks Krystal the question that’s been plaguing me all fucking season: what. is. with. the. voice.
Lol did Krystal really just blame her voice change on a sore throat? Damn this girl is better at spinning facts than a Fox News anchor. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you aren’t going places!
Is Krystal trying to say that her competing for Instagram endorsements Arie’s heart brought her brother out of homelessness? Not to nitpick here, but how does one watch The Bachelor if one is homeless? Hmm?
ME LISTENING TO KRYSTAL’S STORY RN:
It’s Seinne’s turn to take the hot seat and I can’t wait to hear all about how she cured cancer in her downtime during The Bachelor filming.
SEINNE: But watching it all back I realized Arie wants someone with the personality of a door knob it wouldn’t have worked out.
I have nothing else to say about Seinne except that she and Oprah should run for president. #SeinneOprah2020
Andddd we’re back to debating Bekah’s age. Brb just going to go open more wine because I’m gonna need at least six glasses to get through listening to her defend her maturity and her earring choice for the gazillionth fucking time.
Bekah brings up an excellent point about how none of the other young AF women competing over a 37-year-old commitment phobe Arie were ridiculed for their age. Which might be true, but I’m having a hard time taking her seriously when the way she’s holding herself rn rivals Michelle Tanner in a time out.
Ah, yes. The infamous missing person’s report. I thought you’d never ask, Chris. Bekah tells a lovely story about how she went up north with some friends to a MARIJUANA CAMP just to “chill” after her time on the show. Honey, baby, sweetie. You really still think you were mature enough to get married to a man who wears cardigans and told you he goes to bed by 9pm? Really?? Your mother still expects you to text her when you get home from a party!
Surprise, sur-fucking-prise, Bekah is officially going to Paradise. And a star FabFitFun model was born.
CHRIS HARRISON: Please don’t report your daughter missing this summer because she’ll be getting blackout with us on a beach in hell Paradise.
It’s nice to know that she’s already got plans for her senior year spring break.
Moving on to Chris’s next victim: Tia. First of all, she looks amazing in that romper. This is a real step up from that Flintstone-inspired atrocity that assaulted my retinas last episode. Heartbreak looks good on you, girlfriend! Chris is like “I’m not sure if this makes things better or worse but Arie did tell me he had regrets about sending you home.”
TIA:
CHRIS HARRISON:
So what I’m gathering from this entire episode is that Tia and Seinne are the frontrunners for The Bachelorette? I’m not mad about it.
They bring Arie out for the last 15 minutes of this shit show. Cool, cool. It’s not like I’ve spent the last two hours waiting for a room full of jilted women to rip him a new asshole. By all means, ABC, drag this out with one more fucking commercial break. You know how that thrills me.
Some highlights from my favorite parts of The Roast of Arie Lkjfnghbkjlgnhn Jr:
TIA: Kendall? Seriously?
ARIE: I just feel like she’ll be crazy in bed more things for her.
JACKIE: You were so supportive of me and my degree that you didn’t at all try and stop me from leaving the show.
ARIE: Thank you. I appreciate that.
BEKAH: I’m still totally mature and ready to get married.
ARIE: I’m still totally down to bang after the show.
I paraphrase, you know?
Okay wtf is this cryptic-ass message Caroline just dropped on us? She’s like “I know what you did and how dare you” AND WTF ABC. WE JUST AREN’T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS? *throws laptop at the wall*
Arie has one last showdown with Krystal and it’s about as dramatic as Arie’s hand gestures all season.
Krystal is like “I’m sorry I’m a jealous bitch but I hate when my boyfriend has other girlfriends.” To which Arie responds with: “You know this is The Bachelor, right?” Ooohhh I hope she has ice for that third degree burn, Arie! Seriously, that’s the best you could come up with dude?
On that note, I’m drunk outtie. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3)
The producers over at The Bachelor have been shaking things up this season ever since they selected a literal retiree Arie to be their next Bachelor and decided to pair him up with someone who just stopped using her fake I.D., like, yesterday. Just a casual reminder that I’m talking about Bekah M. here, who is literally more age-appropriate to be Arie’s adoptive daughter than life partner, but whatever. Bekah M.’s age isn’t the only thing making waves this season. People are also losing their shit over her because her hair, like my patience every time Arie tries to feel her up during a rose ceremony, is short AF. Let that sink in, people. A woman with short hair is actually sexually appealing to one of the most eligible Flat Tummy Tea sponsors bachelors in America. This is what we marched for!! Tbh the pixie cut actually isn’t Bekak M’s craziest haircut and I know this because I am an avid follower of her Instagram account and, let me tell you right now, that account looks less like it belongs to a single human and more like it belongs to someone trying to fake different personalities for various free streaming trials. Since it’s Friday, and I was already planning to spend my day deep-stalking reality TV contestants instead of actually doing any actual work, I’ve decided to waste my precious free time by blessing you all with a definitive ranking of Bekah M.’s hairstyles. You’re welcome.
7. Smurf Hair
Okay, was this some sort of phase that took over America’s youth and I somehow missed it? Because Bella Thorne tried to pull this same shit a few years back by labeling herself a ~yUnG sMurF~ (her exact wording, not mine) and I do not fucking get it. Is this a sign of the Jingle Jangle drug use that Riverdale keeps alluding to? The only other plausible explanation I can come up with for a hairstyle such as this is that Bekah was trying to get sponsored by Urban Outfitters on Instagram, and I don’t think that’s not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate dye your hair the color of a Papa Smurf. No, this shit gets last place.
6. Short & Sweet
This one just barely missed last place because, honestly, it’s so average. I, mean, am I rocking a similar haircut at this very moment, only in blonde? Yes, but I’m also not some mutant who escaped from Professor X’s house just to compete in The Bachelor and low-key incite jealousy in me every bitch who’s ever thought about rocking a pixie but whose hair stylist told them it would make them look like a prepubescent boy. No, I expect more from the mutant Bekah.
5. The Brown Bob
Ah, the predecessor to the infamous pixie. As we’ve mentioned before, if you’re going short for the first time it’s important to start out with a longer cut than you actually want just to make sure you don’t completely ruin your life with one single decision (you know, aside from your Friday night plans). It looks like Bekah followed my sound advice—I knew I liked that girl—because this haircut is the equivalent of pulling over at a sketchy gas station for shitty coffee on the road trip to an actual good haircut. All I can say is, I’m v glad this cut only lasted all of 355 likes an Instagram post.
4. Pink & Chic
I know I just shit on funky colored hair literally three minutes into this post, but I’m actually really digging this millennial pink look and it is making me reconsider all of my life choices. I’ll be sure to tell my German hairstylist, Susi, next time I’m at the salon that one time I saw Bekah M. wearing pink hair and a bob and so now I’m going to wear pink hair and a bob. Again, Bekah looks almost unrecognizable with her latest hairstyle but I like that she let us know with her caption that this is, indeed, Bekah. It’s an important distinction.
3. The Buzz Cut
Kidding! This is actually an image of a member of an ancient lizard species known as a chameleon and not Bekah M rocking the buzz cut look, though it’s getting increasingly harder to tell with each passing photo. I just wanted to throw this one in there in case you weren’t paying attention. Moving on.
2. Blonde Hair Don’t Care
Okay, I retract my earlier statement because this girl is 100 percent a goddamn chameleon. That, or she’s worse than MK and Ashley Olsen at the whole witness protection thing and keeps having to change her look up so she can stay in Australia with all of her Aussie boyfriends. Like, this doesn’t even look like the same human. Seriously. The “Evolution of Bekah M.’s Hair” should have been what I wrote my senior thesis on instead of the influence of manic pixie dream girls on hipster society.
1. The Pixie
I know if I cut off all my hair I’d look like a British man, but tbh, the pixie is her best look yet. Lucky bitch. It’s chic, it’s different, it does make her look like the offspring of Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, but that strategy seems to be a strong one when competing for a new daddy Arie’s heart, so you do you boo boo.
Images: @whats_ur_sign / Instagram (6); @claudelrheault / Unsplash (1)
Sami and Aleen cover this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Krystal’s voice is again a target, but her tendency to give speeches consisting of empty inspirational quotes shows that her weird voice is actually one of her better traits. She has issues. Aleen can’t stop cringing when Arie makes his moves, particularly on a certain 22-year-old. They conclude that Bekah actually has more maturity and poise than just about everyone, especially Arie. They wrap things up talking about glam-shaming, the controversial practice of calling people out for being too hot.
