Well, friends, since Halloween is
basically tomorrow in three weeks, we honestly can’t deny the fact that hibernation month will soon be upon us. I’m talking about November, obviously. It’s a time when it really begins to feel like fall—not this humid, muggy, 80 degree sh*t—so we can bury ourselves in chunky sweaters and comfy leggings, sweat-free. It’s also that time of year when we shamelessly eat our weight in food because like, Thanksgiving, and well, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. *Stares at the Ben & Jerry carton in my freezer.* Both of these events make me want to consume enough calories to feed a small town, but the VSFS is one that I really look forward to for other reasons, tbh. I just can’t resist the insane angel wings, bejeweled lingerie, and seeing my fave supermodels all in one place. We’ve still got ways to go, but this year’s show is already one of the most discussed, highly anticipated ones yet. Let’s begin, shall we? Here is everything we know about the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
Where Will It Be Held?
For starters, it will be held in New York City again, guys. FINALLY. After two whole long years, the show is coming back to America, but a specific venue hasn’t been announced, though.
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Who’s Set To Perform This Year?
Tbh, this has yet to be confirmed. I’ve done extensive sleuthing and honestly, I couldn’t find any talk about predictions. However, if any of the previous years are an indication of how it’ll go, expect him/her/they will be a big deal.
Which Models Are Walking And Which Aren’t?
I’m just going to start off by saying Kendall, Bella, and Gigi have neither confirmed or denied whether or not they’ll be walking in the 2018 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. It’s still totally up in the air, despite them all being familiar faces. On the bright side, there will be a ton more familiar faces and even some new ones. Those walking include Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel, Jasmine Tookes, Behati Prinsloo, Barbara Palvin, Winnie Harlow, and like, a dozen more. Those we probs won’t be seeing at the moment are Lily Aldridge (she’s pregnant, so fine) and Alessandra Ambrosio (retired last year and they made a huge deal about it—GOD, do you even go here??).
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I had a break down before i walked into the most nerve wrecking casting of my life. I asked my driver to go around the block twice before i could walk into the @VictoriasSecret offices so i could re coup, and remember (while my trainer @bodybymato reminded me on the phone through sobs – thank you lol) how hard I’ve been working! I went in and made new friends and saw old friends and it already felt like home! We patiently waited while @ed_razek @johndavidpfeiffer @monica.mitro @10magazine carefully took time to get to know each girl. When it was finally my time, within my nervous storm of anticipation i changed into a black Victoria Secret set and stepped out!!!! I spoke to them about Jamaica, @nick_knight , my abs, and how i was beyond honoured to be given the opportunity to try out.. then I walked for my life!!!! I can’t believe this!! Thank you for giving me all the energy and kindness in that room! Thank you for allowing me to walk for VICTORIA’S SECRET! Thank you to my agencies @firstaccessent @womenmanagementnyc @women_paris @thesquadmanagement my pr @remibrb my agent @mannyuk and mama bears #sarahstennett & @thelilmisse for having my back supporting and believing in me! I love you guys you’re FAMILY!! Thank you mommy for praying with me everyday for the past 3 days. And thank you so much to my fans who have been pushing me forward to this point in my career. I’m so blessed thank you Lord!! IM WALKING THE VICTORIA’S SECRET SHOW! Thank you Vogue for the exclusive interview ????????????????????
Will There Be A Designer Collaboration?
Yaaas, betch. Like last year’s Balmain capsule collaboration, the lingerie house will officially be collaborating with Mary Katrantzou for 2018. Not much is known about the collection, but the pieces will apparently be able to be worn as both undergarments and clothing. They’re expected to be full of bold, lively colors and patterns probably a lot like this one. Either way, can’t freakin’ wait.
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When Exactly Is The Fashion Show Expected To Premiere?
*Sigh.* No date or time has been announced yet, but definitely plan on keeping your calendars open from late November to early December to stick with when shows have run in the past.
Photo: Kris Atomic / Unsplash; Instagram
As I was finding corresponding gifs for the ranking of the Victoria’s Secret Angels, I came to the stark realization that all these women look the fucking same. No, seriously. Looking back and forth between gifs of like, Alessandra Ambrosio and Izabel Goulart (who is not an official Angel this year, but is Alessandra Ambrosio’s identical twin as I learned), I realized I could not pick these women out of a lineup of two. So I think it’s only fair that I back up such a seemingly absurd statement with real evidence so you can all see what I mean. I’m convinced all the Angels came out of the same genetic pool, so I organized them by families into the very official and accurate Victoria’s Secret Angel family tree.
Family #1: Team Tall, Dark & Handsome
I have a working theory that Adriana Lima and Alessandra Ambrosio had children, and those children are Sara Sampaio, Lily Aldridge, and Taylor Hill. Look at them. Sara has Adriana’s black hair and blue eyes, and Taylor has Alessandra’s hair, Adriana’s eyes, and Adriana’s nose. Sara’s nose is kind of a mix between Alessandra’s and Adriana’s. Now, Lily is basically just Alessandra’s direct doppelganger—she’s just as tan, she has the exact same nose, she has dark eyes—but her hair is slightly darker, a gene she obviously got from Adriana.
Family #2: Team Blondes Have More Fun
Then you have Behati Prinsloo plus Elsa Hosk/Candice Swanepoel/Martha Hunt/Romee Strijd. That latter group of women are the same fucking person, and you cannot tell me otherwise. They all have blonde hair, big blue eyes, and noses so tiny they almost don’t exist. They are interchangeable. They could be each other’s stunt doubles in movies. One of them could walk down the VS Fashion Show runway four separate times, and I would not know the difference. Please note that Romee Strijd is not Martha Hunt’s daughter, as the chart might imply; I just ran out of room and couldn’t fit them all in one horizontal line. Anyway, these Angels all mixed up their genes in a test tube or some shit and came out with Josephine Skriver, who has Candice/Elsa/etc.’s face and Behati’s hair. Then you’ve got Stella (who I would just like to note should have gone into porn because she has the best porn star name of all time), who kinda-sorta has Behati and Romee’s face, with Candice et. al’s hair and eye coloring. Boom.
Family #3: Team Not Actually A Family
Then we’re left with Jasmine Tookes and Lais Ribiero, who don’t resemble each other at all—or really any of the other Angels, for that matter—so I lumped them together by virtue of the fact that they actually look like individuals. Good job, ladies/Victoria’s Secret. We got two. I didn’t make a very informative infographic for it because, like I said, I don’t think they’re actually related in my conspiracy universe. But I tried. (They will put that on my tombstone.)
So that’s it. My life’s work. All I can do is pray that I never get mugged by a Victoria’s Secret Angel, because I will be of no help to the police.
Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he’s a sucker. Follow him as he makes mean jokes on Twitter at @betchesheadpro, and tell him how badly this list sucked at [email protected].
Perhaps more than anything, humans enjoy order. That’s why, as surely as winter brings 2pm sunsets and misery, it also brings the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: an institution that endures largely unchanged, persisting by only making slightly fewer alterations than Kim Kardashian’s plastic surgeon. The models starve themselves. A safe, bland pop act performs. One of the models has an OMG SO CUTE “improvised” interaction with the musical act if she’s fucking him. Someone stuffs their cans into a $2 million bra. The sun rises on another day.
But that’s not enough! No, we demand even more order, especially when it comes to judging our fellow humans. That’s why, beyond running the same hour-long porno flick for women (that’s also porn for men), we’re compelled to “rank” the models involved. “But Head Pro, didn’t you do this last year?” you might be wondering. “Wait, that link just redirects to this page, this is the same URL, this is all a naked SEO grab, isn’t it,” a reasonable person might conclude. I don’t have answers for that. I definitely voluntarily re-wrote my own list. I’m a Company Man, after all.
It’s not especially cool to “rank” human women based on their “hotness” or “how nice their boobs look.” I would never do that anyway because I respect women so much that you wouldn’t have to ask me if I respect women, because I would come out and tell you I respect women before you even asked. Instead, I will rank them based on their biography responses on the VS website, from least amusing to most.
14. Jasmine Tookes
Victoria’s Secret asked all of the Angels what spice they would be, and 90% of them said “cinnamon.” That includes Jasmine, who had literally nothing interesting to say. Being pretty but boring is a shitty stereotype, but living up to it gets you on the bottom of the list.
13. Stella Maxwell
Most people pretty clearly identify as a morning or night person, but Stella? Oh, she’s a midday person. Her profile is full of contrarian bullshit like that. Righty or lefty? “I’m actually ambidextrous.” Pink or red? “I prefer blue, but I guess red if I have to choose.” Unlike Jasmine, who is boring, Stella tries WAY too hard to seem cool and different.
12. Lily Aldridge
Literally every model loves shooting in beautiful locations, but they all hate flying on planes. But really, that’s the LEAST glamorous part of the job, not starving yourself or strutting around in your underwear in front of leering strangers? Get some fucking perspective, Lily.
11. Josephine Skriver
Josephine can’t live without her phone, friends, family, sleep and food. Well, yeah. You’ll die after not eating for about 30 days, and a lot sooner without sleep. Jeez, why do you always have to take things so literally, Josephine?
10. Taylor Hill
Taylor is extremely not here for this shit, and I appreciate it. The most glamorous part of working for Victoria’s Secret? “Working for Victoria’s Secret.” She also wants to jump out of a helicopter with her snowboard, which is pretty fucking metal.
9. Candice Swanepoel
Oh sweet, sweet Candice—such an unrequited life. While most of the models wish they could see the Great Wall of China or some trivial shit, Candice casually drops that her greatest regret is that she hasn’t started her “own shelter for abused animals or an environmental protection organization.” Extremely same. Also like, you know you probably can start an animal shelter, right?
8. Romee Strijd
One thing Romee wishes she could do? Travel stateside with her family. Uhhh you might want to rethink that, girlfriend. I mean have you ever seen an episode of Cops? The U.S. is a trash fire that absolutely deserves everything we’ve brought upon ourselves.
7. Martha Hunt
Unlike Josephine, who sagely acknowledges that she can’t live without the very essences of life, Martha is a little more… metaphorical. She can’t live without her dog, purse, family, diamond earrings and favorite watch. She literally listed “dog” and “purse” ahead of family. The honesty is refreshing.
6. Sara Sampaio
Sara is a cool girl who’s just like one of the guys. Wanna know how I know? Because she had pancakes for breakfast the morning of her interview, and in fact eats pancakes “all day every day.” I call bullshit. She has never so much as smelled a pancake.
5. Adriana Lima
O.G. Adriana Lima is a simple gal. While other girls want to see the Northern Lights or start entire government agencies, all she wants to do is star in a Quentin Tarantino film. As long as she’s down with having her toes sucked, I think that can happen.
4. Elsa Hosk
Does Elsa prefer chocolate or vanilla? “Neither.” Goddammit, now I wanna know her deal! What’s this woman’s hangup with conventional ice cream flavors? Does she only eat sorbet? Is she lactose intolerant? There’s nothing sexier in a woman than dessert intrigue, I always say.
3. Lais Ribeiro
What’s one thing that Lais would like to accomplish? Literally nothing, because becoming a VS Angel was her only dream, and she’s achieved that. Laugh all you want, but when was the last time you accomplished something with such laser focus, Mrs. I’ve-Been-Thinking-Of-Going-To-Law School-For-Almost-A-Decade?
2. Alessandra Ambrosio
Pink, or red? Lilac! WILDCARD, MOTHERFUCKERS!
1. Behati Prinsloo
Hey did you know that African native Behati Prinsloo is from Africa, which is where Behati Prinsloo’s from? Well, unlike most girls, who picked “cinnamon” as their spice, she grew up on an African seasoning called aromat, so that’s what she would be. Because she’s from Africa. Which, if true, why is she white?
Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he’s a sucker. Follow him as he makes mean jokes on twitter at @betchesheadpro, and tell him how badly this list sucked at [email protected].
Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of
our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:
10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)
I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you,
Areola Dusty Rose.
9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)
I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by
two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.
^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.
8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)
Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:
7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)
Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?
6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)
We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?
5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)
SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.
4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)
As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.
3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)
A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.
2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)
Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!
1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)
I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during
my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.
Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.
Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*
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