Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??
Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.
Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.
Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.
Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”
Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.
^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate
HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m nervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.
Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday.
BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”
Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.
Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”
ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?
HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??
MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me.
CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.
Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.
Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?
BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
ME:
Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?
Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.
Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”
Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!
GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.
THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.
Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.
Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?
Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.
BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
ALSO BLAKE:
She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.
WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?
Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.
ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.
Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.
GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.
YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?
Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”
The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.
ALSO ME:
Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.
The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.
Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.
OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.
BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.
Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.
Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.
Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.
Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
BLAKE:
CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.
FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.
Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.
Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.
BECCA:
Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?
Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.
I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.
Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”
GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.
Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.
CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!
The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!
And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.
Images: Giphy (10)
This week on The Bachelorette, ABC is gifting us with a giant waste of our time The Men Tell All, and I for one cannot wait to watch Jason and Colton try and out-cry each other for the next two hours of my life. Kidding! I think I’d rather bathe in bleach. But, alas, we can’t all get what we want in this life. That said, you betches are in for a real treat because this week I’m watching The Bachelorette with fan faves Jordan Kimball and John Graham from Becca’s season AND Derek Peth. And don’t you worry—just because they’re sitting in the same room as me does not mean I’m not going to quietly rip them to shreds for the next 120 minutes. So, shall we get started?
Chris Harrison starts off the night by asking the hard questions: Will Becca find love? If by “love” he means a man whose mother still rocks him to sleep at night or a homophobic racist, then, yes, I’m sure she will find love. Mazel tov!
Chris starts bringing out the men from Becca’s season, and it’s like going through my texts after a v aggressive happy hour—I literally have no idea what’s happening on my screen. I can’t wait for Chris Harrison to try and spin drama out of these nothing burger humans.
Oh STFU Jason. He’s like “it’s so stressful being here you just black out sometimes.” I mean, is this something I tell my boss when she confronts me about acting too “inappropriate” at our company happy hour? Yes. But that’s neither here nor there.
This is rich. Connor asks Chris how he can just “lose his mind” on the show as he wears a paisley blazer and beige slip ons and thinks nothing of it. K. We all know those glasses aren’t prescription either, Connor! (Also he literally got mad over a picture and threw it into a pool, lest we forget.)
They’re all ganging up on Jean-Blanc and I genuinely forgot that he was even on this show. Remember when he was the worst guy there because he was creepy and always trying to pimp out his cologne on Becca? Even though there was a literal sex offender who stayed several episodes longer? *sighs* Simpler times.
WHY DO THESE MEN KEEP USING THE WORD DISINGENUOUS? Like, they must have said it 10 times at this point. They keep using this word and I do not think it means what they think it means…
Interesting. I didn’t think Colton and Jordan would get into it tonight, but then again, one of them is willing to sell his virginity to ABC’s highest bidder and the other is Jordan. So, it makes sense.
COLTON: I’m not saying you weren’t a sweetheart, I’m just saying you’re not gonna get married in golden underwear.
First of all, Colton, those are fighting words. Second of all, they were all just in Vegas! You KNOW people get married in golden underwear there, like, all the time.
Ah, yes. The Chicken chimes in. I was waiting for him to grasp for those three more seconds of fame. Jordan is like, “the worst thing you can ever say about a woman is that you’re settling, so I never said that. I just heavily implied that boys with asses like mine do not talk to girls with faces like hers.”
Sidenote: is anyone else noticing Wills’ provocative footwear rn? I feel like he got those booties from the Nordstrom anniversary sale and I’ve never loved him more. YOU DO YOU, BOO BOO.
Wait, who is this guy wearing leggings from the Macy’s junior section trying to attack Jordan rn?
ME: Jordan, have you ever been in a fight in your entire life though?
JORDAN: Yes, I have. Once. When I was 12 years old.
Sure, Jan.
Chris Harrison calls Jordan to the hot seat and we get to see a look back at all the memes he inspired his best moments. Honestly, thank god he made it as far as he did because otherwise I would have set fire to ABC studios long ago.
Lololol Jordan just gave the Gretchen Weiners of all apologies to the people who didn’t like him on the show
JORDAN: I’m sorry you didn’t like me but I won’t apologize for being confident and my wholly authentic self.
ALSO JORDAN:
Tbh it’s one of the best motivational speeches I’ve heard in a while.
Chris Harrison asks the men why they think Jordan is so annoying and David, the man who lists “chicken” in his career bio, is like “well he wasn’t very serious about the whole process.” K.
JOE THE GROCER. IS. HERE. OMG. I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE.
CHRIS HARRISON: How was all 5 minutes of your time on The Bachelorette?
JOE: Pretty bad.
ME: You’re too pure for this earth.
JOE: *breathes*
ALL OF BACHELOR NATION: I would die for you.
Okay, what are these tweets Chris is pulling up about Grocery Joe? They each have, like, two likes. Are you really telling me that this is the best that underpaid ABC intern could do?
DEREK: *looks at Joe* He’s so cute, like a baby bird. I want to feed him with a dropper.
Truer words, Derek. Truer words.
LOL. I love that Chris Harrison can’t get any personal details out of Joe. It makes me like him so much more. He’s like “Idk what to say, there’s cameras around and I don’t even know you.”
CHRIS HARRISON:
Okay, Joe, you went all the way to Paradise and all you can tell us is “it’s complicated” with your relationship status? Are you kidding me ? I need to know if it’s chill to slide into his DMs he finds love in Paradise or not!
They call Wills into the hot seat, and I don’t know if I can watch his montage without going into a blind rage at Becca breaking down. It’s like I’m he’s getting dumped all over again. Oh my god he’s crying!!!
Chris is like “I feel like you connected on a different level with Becca than she did with the rest of the men.” Interesting choice of words, Chris. If by “different” he means on a level deeper than “hot and contractually obligated to show me affection for 6 weeks” then, yes, I suppose their relationship was a bit different.
God, Wills is such a goddamn gentleman. Even the way he’s talking about Becca rn post-breakup is sooo stand-up.
WILLS: *mumbles*
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
Colton’s next to sit in the hot seat, and I’m not sure I can sit through another tearful admission about his virginity. Also, WHAT is that bedazzled blazer he’s wearing rn? It’s heinous. Like, is Cary Fetman styling him too??
HAHA Chris keeps asking what his relationship with Tia was and he’s like “well I wouldn’t call it a ‘relationship.’’ What would you call it, Colton? Just the tip? And they say chivalry is dead, ladies!
Okay, I can’t with Colton right now and all his fake tears. He just admitted on national television that he’s never seen a woman’s vagina and I’m not buying it for one effing second. You were a PRO FOOTBALL PLAYER and not one girl sent you a nude DM? Please. He’s trying sooo hard to recreate the Sean Lowe Bachelor magic and it’s painful to watch.
Last but not least, Jason takes the hot seat. Why do I have a feeling this is going to be less about him and Becca and more about him using this 10-15 minute window to campaign to be the next Bachelor?
JASON: You guys are so sweet—it’s been a wild ride!
ME:
Chris is like “what is it about what you just saw on this screen that brought you to tears more than when Becca actually dumped you?” Well, I’m pretty sure that’s from the onions production were furiously cutting in front of his face backstage prior to this taping, but you tell your truth, J!
They bring Becca out and she is doing an incredibly good job of reminding every single one of these men why they’re better off. Becca, you’re supposed to show up to this public roasting of all 30 of your exes looking so good that they wish they were dead!
I mean, what are those bedazzled half hoops she’s wearing? They say the bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe, but those hoops are saying she might let you get to second base but only with the lights turned off.
Omg WHY is Jason talking to Becca like he’s going through an employee review?
JASON: Moving forward, what can I do to improve so that I can become the next Bachelor better myself for my next relationship?
I see right f*cking through you, Jason.
Jason is using “moreover” in a sentence, he’s quoting Oprah, dude is campaigning HARD for Bachelor. #MenTellAll
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 31, 2018
Chris asks Becca about the Tia situation and she’s like, “you know I’m still friends with her because I’m contractually obligated to be.” Ah, the true bonds of friendship. I bet she wants Tia to find love about as much as I want my ex to not die in a fiery car crash, but okay.
How many times are Chris Harrison and Becca going to say “this group of guys was so great” and then pointedly not discuss Lincoln?
Chris Harrison asks the men if they have any last words feel personally victimized by Becca AND JEAN-BLANC FUCKING RAISES HIS HAND. Stop. This is so uncomfortable. I’m dying.
^^an actual reenactment of what just happened on my screen
Oh of COURSE he’s using this five extra seconds of screen time to pimp out another cologne. Take your cologne and your broken dreams elsewhere, Jean!
Wait what is this apology? Chris doesn’t speak the entire episode and then comes out at the end with an elaborate apology sung by a church choir? But why?
Well that wraps up another thrilling episode from this season! So in the end, the men did not tell all. They told almost nothing, and pretended like they were going to fight each other, as if we believed a man in suit capris would ever punch a man with perfectly coiffed hair. And the countdown to the finale begins!
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (6); ABC (3)
Hello! And welcome back to another very exciting episode of The Bachelorette. I’m calling this episode “very exciting” because this is the episode where Becca will either bring shame upon her family take someone to the fantasy suite or be so repulsed by someone that she sends him home early. Riveting stuff!
The episode begins, and we’re immediately treated to footage of a slow moving car crash the journey so far. Becca starts talking about all the men she has left and I’m realizing that she traveled halfway around the world to bang three guys she could have easily swiped right on drunk at a happy hour in Minnesota. Like, none of these guys warrant a romantic trip to Thailand. There’s more personality in a stock photo shoot then what’s happening on my screen rn.
Seriously, which is which I CANNOT TELL!!
Blake’s One-On-One
Blake gets the first one-on-one date and I already know this will end with him crying after sex. He’s got the face for it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Becca kicks things off by forcing Blake to hike with her through a sacred temple grounds. She’s like, “this will be really fun because we won’t be allowed to touch each other at all!” Tbh that’s sounds like my perfect date so I approve of this.
Oh OF COURSE they run into two wise monks who proceed to lecture them on the secret to a happy life. Somehow I’m thinking that secret doesn’t involve dating 30 men on national television and hoping for the best?
BLAKE: They’re so wise, you know?
ALSO BLAKE:
Okay, so I know I’ve been going easy on Becca’s outfits these last few weeks and that’s because I’m genuinely worried Cary Fetman added an entry about me in his personal burn book, but I can’t hold back any longer. BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?! It looks like she bought that dress at the airport gift shop, and I’m horrified. This is fantasy suite night and you came dressed for the occasion in a Wet Seal beach cover-up? What is wrong with you???
They start talking about their past relationships, and Blake is trying wayyy too hard to downplay his mental breakdown after his last girlfriend.
BLAKE: It was very hard time for me and my mother definitely did not have to hold me through the night for the next 3-6 months.
ME:
Godddd Blake is so needy. He’s like “I can’t ignore the fact that you’re dating other people” and it’s like, you have seen this show before, yes?
Blake and Becca head to the fantasy suite which looks weirdly like the best Marriott in Thailand. Seriously, ABC what’s happening with your budget these days? Thailand is crazy cheap and instead of living like kings for the night they’re living like two people on a mediocre business trip whose points landed them a free room.
Becca keeps looking at Blake like he is going to rock her world considers gently cradling her face as foreplay. Good luck with that, girl!
Cut to the morning after and the camera pans to Becca’s 99 cent dress on the floor. As if I needed a graphic reminder about what went down in that room last night: some very heavy breathing and Blake prematurely ejaculating after accidentally brushing Becca’s thigh. Please.
Lololol Blake is acting like every girl who got drunk off of too much rosé and is trying to define the relationship as the guy she’s seeing starts putting on his pants and calling an Uber.
BECCA: That was a amazing.
BLAKE: So, like, what are we tho?
Wait. Blake is me. I am Blake.
Jason’s One-On-One Date
Moving on to Jason’s one-on-one. Jason looks far too comfortable in Thailand. Like, he’s definitely made a pact before that what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand on a business trip. Ya feel me?
That smirk says it all.
Also, did Becca get her period on this date? Why is she wearing that towel around her waist? Because I know for goddamn sure it’s not for fashion purposes.
Okay, WHY is everything about food with Jason? First with the wing eating contest and now these crickets? It’s like he wants Becca to have violent diarrhea after every date.
Becca makes a p vague comment about her and Jason’s future together and then immediately freaks out over said comment. I’ve never related to Becca more than in this moment. She’s like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t see a future with this person I met four weeks ago!!” Yes, Becca, this is good. That’s the ABC brainwashing slowly starting to leave your system. That, or blind panic at the start of a bowel movement. Either/or.
Wait so we don’t even get to see the day date at all? Damnnn Jason must have really f*cked up if all we get to see is her walking off with her producer.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. WAIT. Is Becca going to dump him right this second? Figures that she’s going to cut the night short on the night where I’m not immediately horrified by her dress.
Becca dips out on Jason AGAIN and he’s gotta know he’s going home tonight, right? Also, is it wrong that now that I know he’s a loser I’m kinda into him?
So when someone gets up two times to go cry by themselves on a date, they’re probs not into you…. noted #theBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, this conversation is so effing awkward. Like, what does she want him to do? List reasons for why she should keep him? Like, they are talking in circles around each other.
BECCA: I’m not confident about you.
JASON: That feels like a yes, though?
Okay, Jason is pushing HARD to stay the night. He must think his penis can convince her to keep him around for another week. Is that considered big dick energy?
Jason finally gets in the van and is just like “eh, better luck next time.” Seriously? After all of that begging and pleading that’s all you have to say for yourself? Meanwhile, Becca has a small mental breakdown in her suite at the Marriott. If only she could see his monotoned goodbye speech rn.
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Last and certainly most racist, we have Garrett’s one-on-one! Cut to Becca who’s pregaming the date by crying alone in her hotel suite. Again, I can deeply relate to this sentiment. At least the cameras didn’t zoom in on her lonely dress on the floor. What a missed opportunity, ABC!
Becca meets up with Garrett and is like “we’re getting out of the city and doing something the locals do!” And by “doing something the locals do” she means rafting through these people’s backyards.
BECCA THREE MINUTES INTO THIS DATE: I didn’t think, like, the locals would actually be here though?
I love how much they’re struggling with this crowd rn. These people could give one single sh*t that Bachelor contestants are in their presence. Can I just move to this beautiful, pure community?
Moving on. Becca shows up to the dinner and drinks portion of the evening wearing her grandmother’s Elvis costume. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m feeling personally attacked by Cary Fetman. This lace abomination has to be some declaration of war. Has to be. IT HAS A SATIN GODDAMN COLLAR. WHY. Becca does realize the end goal here is to make Garrett want to bang her, right? ‘Cause I’m worried that won’t happen now.
I love that Garrett is like “I’m nervous about commitment” and Becca practically orgasms on that pillow. Meanwhile, Jason, a guy who has exclaimed he loves her for weeks now, gets sent packing. Makes sense.
Wait, is that a freaking tent they’re spending the night in? Everyone else got the best sub-par hotel suite ABC’s points could buy them and these two are relegated to sleeping in the hotel’s backyard? If I were Garrett rn I’d be like “I signed up for Fantasy Suites, not glamping.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god Becca just blew a kiss to Garrett and his responding kiss was a mix between giving her the finger and rolling his eyes. This is the most personality I’ve seen from him all season, and I’m here for it.
The Rose Ceremony
GUYS. JASON. IS. BACK. Omgomgomgomgomg. Just when I was getting genuinely concerned that ABC was going to waste my time for the next 35 minutes the producers somehow coerce Jason into embarrassing himself further on national television. *turns up volume*
JASON: I just want to get some closure so I’m going to knock on her door and talk to her.
BECCA:
Yeah, this isn’t a great start, dude.
Wait what is this story he just gave her? Please tell me it’s not a scrapbook of their time together. Like, did he whip this up in his hotel room last night when the producers told him he needed to have a more emotional exit if he wants to be the next Bachelor? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation behind this sad, handwritten book he just deposited at her doorstep.
Jason: I brought you something#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/hVIgHR1e2f
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, but why is there even a rose ceremony at this point? The anxiety rolling off Blake rn is making me sweat out all the wine I just drank and it’s senseless.
Becca shows up to the rose ceremony in yet another lace dress that makes me question. Chris Harrison asks Becca if she feels good about cutting Jason before the rose ceremony and she’s like “oh yeah, I have two great guys left and plus his hair repulsed me!” I paraphrase.
Becca calls Garrett’s name first and Blake looks like he might murder them both in their sleep. I hope his mother is on call to help him through these dark times.
LOL this toast is so effing awkward. Garrett’s like “thanks for giving me that quality one-on-one time this week.”
ALSO GARRETT:
Subtle, G!
Next week ABC continues to waste our time we have “The Men Tell All” where I’m sure no one will take accountability for their actions or give us any insight into their dumbass decisions this season. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (7); @jason_tartick /Instagram (1); ABC (3)
Welcome to Hometowns, people! For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the episode of The Bachelorette where we get to see where these piles of flaming garbage masquerading as human men came from. It’s also the episode where Becca can decide which mother-in-law she wants to trash-talk behind her back for the rest of her life. Sounds delightful. Shall we get to the good stuff, then?
Garrett’s Hometown
I guess we’re not playing around this episode, because ABC immediately starts things off with Garrett’s hometown. Small mercies. First of all, I am ALARMED by the way he just ran out of those trees. Like, what are these hand gestures I’m looking at rn?
Garrett wants Becca to get a real understanding of his roots and where he comes from, so he asks her to ride on the back of his tractor, and I wish I was even a little bit making this up. Garrett’s like, “can you see yourself doing this after the show?” And it’s like, please stop pretending like you will be doing anything other than pimping laxative tea on Instagram after this show.
And let’s be real, we all know Carlos never really lets you drive the tractor unless you’ve been extra good!
GARRETT: Bringing you home is a big deal because the last person I brought home was my wife.
^^^THINGS YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD NEVER SAY.
Okay, is it just me or do Becca and Garrett’s sister look eerily similar? Like they could pull off the twin twist better than Spencer Hastings did doubling as herself in the PLL series finale? Also, Becca keeps saying that Garrett reminds her of her dad and now Garrett’s sister could literally be Becca’s body double. This is getting way too incestuous for me. I’m out.
Okay, I’m surprised I like any of Garrett’s family members, but Barbara is real AF.
BARBARA: Becca I don’t know what he’s told you about his past relationship…
BECCA: Oh, he’s told me everything. Like, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
BARBARA:
Lol Becca just said that her and Garrett share a “special bond” because they’re the only ones on the show who’ve been engaged/married in the past. K. I didn’t know that spitting on the sanctity of marriage qualified a person to be your soulmate these days but, like, to each their own.
The rest of this hometown is boring AF. With Garrett being a hateful meme liker, I thought we’d get to see at least one MAGA hat for Becca to lose her sh*t over. But alas, it looks like Becca will have to find out his true colors in 3-6 months after she’s invested her time, hopes, dreams, and at least 6 Instagram photos to him just like the rest of us plebes.
Seriously though, Becca is looking at Garrett like he could say that the Parkland survivors are crisis actors and she’d still want to bang him. Oh wait…
Jason’s Hometown
Jason whisks Becca off to the sexy and exotic Buffalo, NY! Becca, you lucky b*tch! If you’ll recall, this is the nightmare Hometown date we wrote about weeks ago so my bar for this date is set somewhere around “will call the police if Becca blinks twice.”
Jason, aka the guy who is reluctant to tell this virtual stranger Becca that he’s falling for her, decides to show her how much he cares about her through a wings eating contest! A WINGS EATING CONTEST. Becca, blink once if you want to stay, twice if you need me to DM Chris Harrison and get you tf out of there.
But seriously though, a wings eating contest?? First of all, the only time I would ever participate in such a thing is alone in my home every Sunday when a new episode of Westworld drops and I’m forced to stress eat my feelings under EXTREME duress. You sure as sh*t wouldn’t catch me on live freaking television participating in this form of cruel and unusual punishment. Second of all, there’s nothing sexy about getting a chicken bone heimliched out of your windpipe. NOTHING.
Becca’s like “every time I’m with him I have the best time!” Yes, the best time and probably a newly developed case of IBS.
For the next part of their date Jason takes Becca to an abandoned ice skating rink. I’m sorry, but Jason, are you trying to make this girl your fiancé or get to third with her under the bleachers after study hall lets out? I’m genuinely worried it might be the latter.
Okay, Jason’s family seems very normal and well-adjusted. Booooo. I’m sure if Becca picks him they’ll have a fun life getting happy hour in midtown and having missionary sex with the lights turned off. But, you know, eternal happiness to you both!
Blake’s Hometown
Blake starts off his hometown by immediately reliving his glory days at the high school. Jesus Christ. There’s always one. I guess nothing turns a girl on like sticky floors and the smell of puberty, amiright Blake?
Wait did he really just say “high school is a big part of my life?” RED FLAG. Becca, slowly back away and get back in the car while there’s still time.
Blake goes into a very sad story about a school shooting, which is horrifying. Between this and his mom sleeping with the coach, I really get why they say high school is the best four years of your life.
BLAKE: But don’t worry I have some really great memories from high school too! I love high school!
ALSO BLAKE:
Blake says he has one more surprise for Becca, and I’m slightly worried this means he’s going to take her to the cafeteria and pull out his yearbook so they can over-analyze why so many people wrote “HAGS” in it.
He doesn’t do the cafeteria thing, but he does lead Becca to some sort of talent show competition taking place in the gymnasium. I’m referring to it as a talent show because I genuinely do not know who this Betty person is and there does not appear to be one single adult in this crowd other than Becca and Blake.
So do they just have a de-briefing session to teach Becca the words to every no-name artist they bring through here? #TheBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
They start making out amidst a mosh pit of teenagers, and I bet Blake really feels like the big man on campus now.
Cut to the part where Becca meets his family. Do we think the homewrecking coach will be allowed to sit at the dinner table? Or will his dad just make passive-aggressive comments about him in between making small talk with Becca? *turns up the volume*
Wait. Did Blake’s mom just say that they cried together after his last relationship? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Becca, are you hearing this?!
Okay, I hope after that conversation with Blake’s mom Becca effing RUNS back to the Bachelor mansion. She’s like “after the breakup I had to comfort him, you know?”
ALSO BLAKE’S MOM: I was there with him through every tear. All the times he cried and and the screamed in the night.
ME:
Colton’s Hometown
Colton’s hometown is the last one, which means his family is probably batsh*t. I can’t wait for Colton to tearfully admit he’s a virgin and for his dad to laugh in his face.
Becca’s keeps saying that they have this “crazy connection” but I’m pretty sure by “connection” she means that their chemistry is 100 percent fueled by the fact that he’s seen her friend naked. Ah, romance.
Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital so ABC can exploit sick children for ratings. I would be outraged, but these kids are so freaking cute. I can’t. Seriously, this little girl and her tiny cowboy boots are stars in the making and she’s too pure for the trash I let pollute my television screen.
Okay, WHAT is Colton’s mom wearing?? I guess she took a page out of Becca’s style handbook because she showed up to tonight’s dinner wearing a shirt with paper clips holding it together as her national TV debut. This is maybe the most offensive thing I’ve seen all season, and I’ve seen Becca show up to a date in a bedazzled zebra print dress.
Colton tells his mom he’s a virgin and she looks just as doubtful about his virginity claims as I do.
Becca and the mom have some girl talk next, and I love that Becca is discussing her son’s sex life right to her face. She’s like, “I’m concerned about his intimacy with women, you know?”
ALSO BECCA: Do you think he’ll be good in bed tho?
Colton drops the “L” word on Becca right before she leaves and she looks smitten. Just like a virgin to play those mind games right before the fantasy suite. Bravo.
The Rose Ceremony
Becca claims she needs to talk things out with her girls before the rose ceremony, because these are the people that know her best. And by “best” she means “contractually obligated by ABC to be there.” Obviously.
Okay, Becca is really laying it on thick with the men here. I feel like there were multiple times throughout the season when she looked like she might quit because all the men were garbage and now she’s making it sound like she’s got the cream of the crop.
LOL. Tia is listening to all of this like, “It was supposed to BE ME!”
Tia listening to Becca talk about Colton #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/lLEslQHASb
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
Oh my goddddd Tia is such a b*tch. She’s like “I know I said I was over Colton but that’s when I thought I was the only girl he played just the tip with.”
TIA: As your friend I want you to know that I’m into the guys you’re into and don’t want you to be with them.
ALSO TIA:
Okay, Becca, this girl is not your friend. She strategically waited until the last second to tell you she was into Colton. Revenge bang him PLEASE. I beg of you.
Speaking of the virgin who can’t drive Colton, wtf is this pep talk he’s trying to get from Chris Harrison rn? He’s like “so what exactly happens in the fantasy suite?? Because I’m nervous.”
CHRIS HARRISON:
ALSO CHRIS HARRISON: Are you asking me how to put it in? I don’t understand where this is going, son…
Damnnnn I can’t believe Becca actually cut Colton because Tia told her to!! I mean, I knew she was going to have regrets after this season, but letting little Miss Wiener, Arkansas manipulate her out of a boyfriend is a wholeeee other story.
Lol I love that Colton’s limo exit strategy is the same as mine when a racist family member gets weird at Thanksgiving: pretend to fall asleep.
Next week, Becca and the three human stock photos she’s dating are headed to Thailand! Now that the virgin is gone, I fear I’ll have to go back to mocking the sequined abominations Becca tries to pass off as fashion. I guess only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); ABC (1);
If you’ve been watching The Bachelorette this season, then you know it’s been the most dramatic season ever lame AF. Literally the most interesting part of this season has been watching Cary Fetman ruin Becca’s life one sequined evening gown at a time. But shit is about to get a whole lot juicier because this just in, people: there are reports that Becca thinks she might have picked the wrong guy. In other news, the sky is blue!
This information is shocking for a lot of reasons, but mostly because if you’ll recall, at the start of this season Becca casually announced that she is in fact engaged and, like, soooo in love. Which, in hindsight, should have been a huge red fucking flag. Announcing your engagement before you’ve even watched your fiancé openly weep in front of cameras about not getting chosen for a date one week is like the equivalent of some girl posting an #MCM tribute on Instagram before finding out her boyfriend is best friends with his mom. Yeah, it was never going to last.
So, like, what went wrong? Here’s what we know: A source told Life & Style that Becca is officially “not thinking about a wedding” and “really has regrets” about the guy she chose. Apparently while we’ve been watching the moving car crash that is this season of The Bachelorette, Becca has been sneaking around behind the scenes with her new man, only to find out that she actually doesn’t know him at all. Considering the men she had to choose from were floor-shitting sex offenders, hateful meme likers, and just generally fame whores, color me SHOCKED that things aren’t working out for her.
Speaking of the flaming piles of garbage masquerading as human men, after watching this season and finding out that ABC is worse at running a background check than I am at balancing a checkbook, Becca is reportedly starting to think her instincts were off when she chose to spend the rest of her life with one of these dudes. Imagine that!
A source told Life&StyleMag.com that Becca “thought was the right choice from what she knew of him during filming” and that “he charmed her, she fell in love and she thought she could imagine forever with him.” Which, like, makes sense if you think about who her frontrunners are right now.
First, we have Garrett, who seems down-to-earth but who also likes homophobic, racist, women-hating memes in his downtime. We can’t have it all, ladies! Then there’s Colton, who I’m starting to think is trying to auction off his virginity to any person with the most Instagram followers. Jason and Blake are definitely the least disgusting of the four, but Jason looks like a used car salesman and Blake is needier than me after I post a thirst-trap picture of myself to Instagram and my ex doesn’t like it immediately. I mean, after breaking it down like that, I think I’d rather spend the rest of my life drinking $10 rose while watching The Cutting Edge: Fire & Ice over and over again than then with any of these guys, but to each their own.
The source also said that Becca “doesn’t think she had enough of an open mind with the other guys” and spent too much time being obsessed with the winner. So what I’m hearing here is BECCA YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED WILLS YOU DUMB HOE. I’m sorry that was uncalled for, but you should have picked Wills you dumb hoe fucked up, Becs. That’s all I’ll say.
And this. I’ll just leave this here.
Next Monday is Hometowns, and I for one cannot wait to watch all the red flags Becca apparently missed as I drink cheap wine and mock her for putting herself out there from the safety of my own home. Should be a good time!
Images: Giphy (2)
Well, fam, I’m back! Back spending another Monday held hostage by Mike Fleiss and his dynamic storytelling. Imagine that. To put things into perspective for you, last week I was relaxing lakeside with a cocktail and not a care in the world, and this week I’m crying on the phone to Optimum about my shitty internet while they ask, “did you try turning it off and then back on?” Such is life. Anyway, to those of you who missed me last week, I’d like to hear a little more praise in the comments. Thx. For those of you who didn’t, well, you can go shave your back now. Okay, moving on. This week Becca and her boys are off to the vacation a parent uses to win you over in the divorce Bahamas! How romantic.
Okay, Becca is acting like the Bahamas are a goddamn seventh wonder of the world. She’s like “it’s unlike any place I’ve seen before,” and that makes sense because so far the budget for her season has been about as extravagant and over-the-top as a Sbarro birthday party.
CHRIS: You’ve never been here before? To the Bahamas? Tickets are like $300 round trip though?
BECCA: Nope! Never!
CHRIS:
Back at the hotel lobby of the Atlantis bangin’ accommodations ABC was able to pull off, the men start quietly going to pieces at the notion of having to actually introduce this stranger to their parents in another week. They have watched this show before, yes?
Sidenote: Wills is wearing a cheetah print RompHim, barely enunciating his words, and he’s STILL the best catch on this entire godforsaken show. Brb, just going to start a grassroots campaign for his #Bachelor candidacy right this fucking minute.
Colton’s One-On-One Date
Colton gets the first one-on-one date this episode, because I guess production finally got tired of my weekly irate DMs about when we’re going to see the big virginity reveal. You’re welcome, everyone.
Becca whisks Colton away and Blake looks like he’s three seconds away from popping a blood vessel and telling Becca right then and there that Colton is a virgin with a capital V.
EVERY MAN IN THAT ROOM’S INNER MONOLOGUE RN:
Becca’s like, “I picked Colton because have you seen his abs?” Which, like, fair, but also BECCA YOU’RE GOING TO MEET HIS FAMILY NEXT WEEK AND THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT HIM?? I fucking quit with this show.
COLTON: I haven’t felt this excited about a girl in a while since Tia rubbed one out on me last summer.
WAIT. Is Colton finally going to tell Becca that he’s a virgin?? Is he?! Oh of fucking course ABC has to interrupt his big reveal by sending in some island man to wreck the moment.
ISLAND MAN: Would you like to dive for conch?
BECCA: Oh I loooove conch. I can’t get enough conch.
ALSO BECCA: Conch sounds like cock, get it?
ISLAND MAN:
Yeah, that’s good Becca. Mock the accent of the guy who has to make a living off of helping dipshits like you dive for seashells. Nice.
Moving on to the conchtail portion of this evening (lol I crack myself up). Colton’s like, “so I have something to tell you” and you know Becca’s mind immediately goes to Tia rn. She’s got to be wondering if now’s the time when she finally finds out about where Tia and Colton “just kissed” last summer. No worries, B, he’s not into Tia! He just has no idea about the female anatomy! Mazel Tov to you both!
Lololol. Did Colton really just say he’s a virgin because of sports? Am I really to believe that Colton is the first pro athlete in history who couldn’t get any? AM I? Also, why do I feel like Colton is the kind of virgin who’s like, “anal doesn’t count tho” even though he’s a dude? Just me?
Is it just me, or does Becca look pissed? Omg why is she acting this way? Becca storms out of the Atlantis dining hall and leaves Colton and his hymen alone. I can’t believe she’s this pissed about not being able to bang him.
Becca comes back after crying outside about the sex that could have been and this is so fucking uncomfortable. She’s like “I’m not going to judge you except for those 10 minutes immediately after you told me and I flipped out.”
Becca gives Colton a rose anyway, though, because have you seen his abs? Also, who wants to bet three seconds after this dinner ended she sent Tia a picture of him and that rose?
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Garrett gets the second one-on-one date of the week, because apparently Becca is into abs and bigotry. I swear her taste in men is less sophisticated than her taste in evening wear. And I’ve seen a lot of fucking low-rent sparkles this season.
A water plane picks the couple up for the day and the plane literally has Tia’s name written on it. Did anyone else just see that? Like, did ABC drain their entire budget trying to get Wayne fucking Newton on the show that they couldn’t get enough cash to fix the plane they booked when Tia was still going to be The Bachelorette?? Also, I’m happy that Tia has at least one petty camera person still on her side who’s willing to undermine Becca one subtle panoramic shot at a time. I hope that helps her sleep at night.
BECCA: This is so romantic. There’s no one else around us.
Yeah, except a camera crew and all of America mocking you. Because in that bathing suit, they absolutely will be.
God this date is so boring. Becca thinks Garrett might be a good guy and so she tries to pick him apart bit by bit until she finds something to hate about him. This is literally a technique I use after a second date when a guy calls me back, pays for the bill, and treats me with respect. So, like, I get it.
Becca’s like “he’s so happy and carefree all the time and I don’t trust it.” Smart girl. Clearly there are no intimacy issues here. Nope, not at all.
Their date ends with Garrett getting the rose and Becca taking off her clothes because she’s been sending mixed signals to him all night so why not throw a little nudity into the mix too?
Blake’s One-On-One Date
Blake and Becca’s date starts off with a special performance from the Baja Men! Tbh I’m not sure what I find more disturbing here: Blake’s dance moves or the fact that ABC paid ACTUAL MONEY to get the people who sang “Who Let The Dogs Out” on their show. Like, are they just lighting money on fire at this point?
Lord, Jesus, fix it.
Okay, Blake is barely holding it together on this date. His emotional state might be less stable than Selena Gomez after she saw Justin Bieber’s engagement announcement last night. So, like, not well bitch!
Ah, so Blake has a sob story. I mean, it’s about divorce, but he does have that nice small town spin on it. But was nobody else disturbed and intrigued by how quickly Blake snitched on his mom?? I’d disown my children for far less than outing my affair on national television, I’m just saying. Tbh Becca loves a good sob story so this might actually work in Blake’s favor.
Blake keeps talking about how hard it is for him to open up with people, but I’m not buying it. The boy has had more emotional breakdowns in this one episode than I’ve had since realizing I forgot my headphones as the subway doors close. Please.
BECCA: I find it so attractive that you constantly talk about how into me you are.
Jesus. Her bar is similar to mine so low.
The Group Date
We’re 2.5 seconds into this group date, and I can already tell that this is going to end in heartbreak—and obviously I’m referring to my heartbreak here, because I have a feeling Wills isn’t going to make it. Blake got a rose on his one-on-one, which means Leo, Jason, and Wills are all competing for the same rose on this date. I have a feeling that this is where Becca cuts any guy who doesn’t shop at the Gap from her “journey of love”. Mark my fucking words.
The first part of the date involves a game of beach volleyball. Because nothing says romance like team sports. Okay, there are so many different personalities on this date rn. We’ve got Wills, who is too pure for this world. Then there’s Jason, who is the physical and emotional embodiment of my grandfather whose biggest life accomplishment is his timeshare in Florida. And finally, Leo, who would never have even made it this far without his hair.
Just saying.
You guys I’m so uncomfortable rn. Leo keeps giving Becca butterfly kisses while she tries to have an adult conversation about his family and personal life. Also, now that I know he’s done porn, I’m wondering if he wouldn’t stop the kissing because no one said cut?
Oh shit! Leo and his forehead kisses get sent home. See you in Paradise, buddy!
We get to the cocktail portion of this evening and it’s Wills vs. Jason. Everything’s fine, but I am breathing into a paper bag. Just fyi.
Becca pulls Jason aside first and immediately starts bitching about how he hasn’t declared his undying love for her yet. She’s like “the other guys have lied to me about the extent of their feelings already and you haven’t so I’m considering sending you home. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
JASON, TELL HER YOU DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. Like what is this? She shouldn’t punish him for needing more time to figure out his feelings for her. Like, has he even had a one-on-one date yet? Or is he just like, the one she always makes out with in a corner every group date?
She seems to have a good conversation with Wills, but that means nothing. This bitch is more fickle than I am with my diets.
JASON GETS THE ROSE. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. On the one hand, I’m devastated for Wills. On the other hand I’d like to slide into his DMs he deserves happiness too, you know? All I’m saying is his Bachelor 2019 Campaign starts right fucking now.
Oh god he’s crying! Becca doesn’t even pretend like this was a hard decision for her. She keeps awkwardly patting Wills’ knee and looking at her nonexistent watch and it’s like REMEMBER WHEN HE TOLD YOU YOU MADE HIM BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN.
REMEMBER!!
Okay, Wills is acting classy AF. He won’t even break down in front of the cameras for Instagram followers ABC’s sick pleasure. Meanwhile, the camera keeps panning to Becca dry humping Jason on a pool chair. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.
Okay, well, I’m out, betches. Oh, and ABC, congratulations, I’m emotionally ruined. YOU GOT ME. Anyway, can’t wait to tune in next week to watch Tia make one last play at sabotaging Becca’s happiness. Should be lit!
Images: Giphy (6; ABC (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @caryfetman /Instagram (1)
Well, people, we made it to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read: week 5. So far only one of Becca’s 10 remaining suitors has proven to be a convicted felon. Tbh I expected that number to be higher with this crowd. Anyway. This week Becca and the men are off to Las Vegas! Because nothing says true love like 24 hour wedding chapels and gambling addiction.
Also, how many times do we think we’ll hear the phrase “roll the dice on love” tonight? It’s 8:02 and they’ve already said it twice… I’m scared.
JASON: She had Vegas going on from head-to-toe.
That’s not Vegas, Jason, that’s an internalized cry for help! Like, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAMN SEQUINS?? I am glad, though, that the men are starting to become aware of the visual assault happening before our eyes every damn week. They need to go into this with both eyes open.
The One-On-One Date
Colton gets the first one-on-one date this week. I guess Becca is really feeling like Tia might be watching this episode the connection between them.
Okay, but what in the actual fuck is this date, though? The entire thing could have literally been filmed in front of a green screen. It doesn’t make sense. There’s some sort of camel tour happening, except instead of following beautiful Vegas sights and landmarks they’re following a chain link fence. Is that a hot tub at the end of this tour? Of fucking course. Because who wouldn’t want to have a nice romantic soak in the middle of a parking lot?
HAHA I love that these camels are trying to save Becca from herself rn. They’re walking at least 20 paces away from each other, which is good because now Becca can really think about if she likes Colton or if she just likes that another girl wants to bang him.
These camels out here doing the lord’s work
Cut to the cocktail portion of the date. Do we think Colton is referring to Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman when he starts talking about his ex who didn’t love him? Because if he is, that’s blasphemous and I won’t hear it. So sorry Aly was too busy winning multiple gold medals and crusading for women and sexual assault victims to tell your thirsty ass that you’re pretty, Colton. SO SORRY.
Okay, Colton is less hot the more they zoom in on him and Becca making out. Why does he keep grabbing her hands and making air circles with them?
Colton gets the rose, but are we really surprised here? The only thing that could have stopped him from getting that rose was if he said he murdered his grandma or is a registered sex offender. Oh wait. That actually does get you a rose on this show these days.
Shop Betches The Bachelor One-On-One Tank
The Group Date
For the group date Becca brings out Wayne Newton to spice things up, and I have a lot of questions here. One, what are the numbers for the celebrity guest budget this season? ‘Cause right now it looks like all ABC can afford are third-tier celebs blackmailed into being there. Also, why are Wayne Newton’s eyes so fucking terrifying? They look like they’re trying to pop out of their tightly pulled prison. It’s so alarming.
NOOOOO. Why is there another episode that involves singing? What did I do to deserve this?
ME FINDING OUT WHAT THE GROUP DATE IS THIS WEEK:
Honestly, I can’t stop thinking about Wayne Newton singing to his wife. I’m going to see it in my nightmares.
Once again, Becca forces the men to write a song about her. I feel like Becca listed her hobbies as “sports and music” and they just ran with that for all of her dates.
Chris is feeling cocky AF because he got one half-hearted clap from Richard Marx two episodes ago. YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME, CHRIS.
WAYNE NEWTON: I was very surprised with their ability to use rhyme and foreign languages.
ALSO WAYNE NEWTON: I was very surprised with their ability to string sentences together at all.
Well fucking said, Wayne. Well said.
The guys have to sing their songs in front of a live Vegas audience. How pissed do you think these people are at Groupon for misleading them about the talent this evening? Because this feels like cruel and unusual punishment tbh.
The men start performing, and I can’t decide what’s more painful: the sounds coming out of their mouths or the sequined atrocity on Becca’s body.
After the glee club concert from hell, Becca takes the guys to the location of part two of the date: an abandoned ice rink! Seriously WHO is planning these dates?? Why does every date locale look like it was filmed outside the Las Vegas city limits? Are these guys not allowed in certain parts of Vegas? With their criminal records, this seems likely.
CHRIS: If you want something you’ll make time for it.
Spoken like me justifying my decision to go completely scorched Earth on a guy I was seeing for three months because he wouldn’t come meet me at a bar one night. FUCK YOU, JAKE.
Blake aka the poor man’s Miles Teller gets the group date rose, and somewhere Chris is plotting how to murder him and shove the pieces of his body down a trash chute. His abandonment issues don’t at all feel like a red flag in this moment.
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The Two-On-One Date
Finally, we get to the two-on-one date with Jordan and David that ABC has been teasing all goddamn night. Vegas odds that Becca leaves both of them in the desert to die together?
Okay, but WTF is this date? They’re just stranded in a canyon somewhere? No food? No Champagne? This is like that scene in Rat Race where Cuba Gooding Jr. has to make shoes out of his own shirt and trek through the desert. Actually, I’d pay to see Jordan try to do that.
Becca’s like “it’s so peaceful and quiet out here!” Meanwhile, David feels like this is his cue to describe, in minute detail, the sediment on the ground. He should be eliminated for not knowing the important life skill of when to shut the fuck up.
Becca realizes she’s not going to get any peace and fucking quiet with David here practicing his monologue so she pulls David aside to talk to first and he immediately starts shitting on Jordan.
DAVID: Jordan said he was SETTLING with you and that you’re his SECOND choice.
ALSO DAVID: I reminded Becca of her ex and most traumatic experience to date, so yeah, couldn’t feel better right now. I’m so happy for me.
Okay, Jordan’s sad electricity story makes me feel feelings but also reminds me of when Derek Zoolander went back to work in the coal mines, which was such a moving part of that film and possibly where Jordan got the idea for his sob story. Just saying.
Is it just me or does it seem like Becca is leading the kindergarten class trip from hell? Becca’s like “you guys are really ruining my date of sitting in the desert in silence so could you cut it the fuck out.” PREACH, girl!
OH SHIT. THE CHICKEN GOES HOME. Honestly, about fucking time. Once again we learn that starting shit in the Bachelor mansion gets you nowhere. I mean, I get the impulse because that’s kinda my current career philosophy and personal brand, but still.
Back to Becca’s date with Jordan. We enter the dinner and drinks portion of the evening, and I have a feeling Jordan is still going home. He’s only in competition with himself, and that can’t end well for him. I mean, he’s funny, but he has about as much depth to him as a toaster.
JORDAN: I really want to get to know the real you.
ALSO JORDAN: Do you like to go out on Fridays?
HAHA did he really just ask her about her weekend habits? I’m pretty sure that when Becca said she was “an open book, ask me anything” she didn’t mean ask her how frequently she brunches.
Jordan gets sent home too, and honestly I can’t say I’m surprised. I knew it was over for him when he started going into an in-depth discussion about how the rules of hair care are simple and finite and any Cosmo girl would know.
JORDAN: How did I get sent home? I can speak, I can walk.
Yes, Jordan, it seems those are the only qualifications one needs for this show these days. RIP, friend. You and your gold booty shorts will be missed. Can’t wait to see you on Paradise!
The Rose Ceremony
Becca grabs Chris right off the bat and Chris is like “you’re lucky I’m willing to breathe near your direction after yesterday.” Okay, Chris you can go shave your back now.
Is it just me or is Becca wayyy too sensitive to be the Bachelorette? I know she got dumped on national television, but it feels like every other word that comes out of these guys’ mouths is triggering for her.
Chris tries to steal Becca away from Wills and even though Wills is dressed like my grandpa’s sofa he’s acting cool AF in this situation. It’s so fucking hot.
Chris: Can I steal you for a sec?
Becca: No
Me: #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/Tz197Raevs— Betches (@betchesluvthis) June 26, 2018
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I want to crawl into my wallpaper rn. I can’t.
Chris keeps asking for two more minutes and Wills, whom I was always sure was a Hufflepuff but am now CONVINCED is a Gryffindor, is like “nah, step off.”
WILLS: I’m gonna ask you to respect me and please GTFO
ME:
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, but WILLS YOU CAN CALL ME. This feels like an appropriate time to put it into the universe that if Wills is not the next Bachelor, I will personally burn ABC studios to the ground.
Sidenote: If Colton ignored Becca all night you know she would still give him a rose. I feel like this attention thing is a flimsy excuse at best to send Chris home.
Chris is like “you make me a better man because normally when a chick pisses me off I bang her best friend bail and I’m not doing this here.” Becca, honey, I say this with love, but this guy is a bigger red flag than that dress you have on rn. SEND HIM HOME.
John ends up getting sent home because ABC doesn’t want us to have nice things. How the floor shitter/CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER lasted longer than the guy who created fucking Venmo is beyond me.
ME WATCHING BECCA RUIN HER LIFE ONE ROSE CEREMONY AT A TIME:
Well, fam, that’s it for this week. Next week it looks like the Bach crew is going to the exotic destination of Richmond, Virginia. I’M FUCKING DEAD. At this rate they should take a “magical journey” to the parking lot outside the Roosevelt Field Mall by the end of the season. Kisses!
IMAGES: Giphy (78; @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
There’s been a lot of troubling shit that’s happened during this season of The Bachelorette, but nothing has been more horrifying than the clothes Becca has willingly worn on her body. Watching her outfits week after week has made me want to call the police on more than one a occasion, and it got me thinking, where the hell is Becca’s stylist in her time of need? Did ABC cut that budget too along with travel and the background check money?? Well, according to Life & Style Mag, Becca does in fact have a stylist: one Mr. Cary Fetman. Apparently we have him to “thank for stunning looks” this season. So, this is the man who’s been actively trying to blind me every fucking Monday for the last four weeks? I just have one question for you, Cary: who hurt you?
But, seriously, who is Cary Fetman and why does he want to sabotage Becca and her happiness by dressing her in 2010’s hottest mall clothes? That’s what I’m here to find out. According to his interview with Life & Style Mag, Cary has been a long time stylist for the Bachelor franchise and styled past Bachelorettes/goddesses incarnate JoJo and Rachel. Clearly he has some sense of style because those bitches looked amazing on their seasons. To be fair, JoJo was perhaps the most stylish Bachelorette that ABC has ever had, and if she even breathed near a piece of clothing I immediately bought it and every color it came in. To even THINK that JoJo and Becca were styled by the same human and not one professional stylist and one professional Costco shopper is absurd. But, alas, it’s true. Which brings me to the bigger question here: why does Cary Fetman want to ruin Becca’s life? I have my theories. *stands on soapbox* *clears throat* Here are three theoretical reasons to explain why Bachelor stylist Cary Fetman is out to get Becca.
1. He’s Team Lauren
How anyone could choose a robot life form forged in the underground belly of ABC studios over Becca is beyond me but, like, I’ve been wrong before. That’s right, fellow Bachelor conspiracy theorists, Cary Fetman could actually be Team Lauren. Now typically stylists only come into play for Bachelor contestants when it’s down to the final two women. If you’ll recall, Lauren showed up to her proposal dressed like a goddamn vision, while Becca showed up in one of the most visually offensive garments I’ve ever laid eyes on. While I don’t think anyone could have predicted how spectacularly Arie would fuck up last season, I do think our boy Cary was rooting for Lauren B to either get the proposal or the Bachelorette gig and for Becca to go shave her back. It’s the only explanation for how someone could actually support another person wearing a nude a dress with black overlay on national fucking television in 2018.
He certainly isn’t, Becca!
2. He’s Using Heinous Fashion As A Ploy To Get More Instagram Followers
In an interview with Who What Wear, our boy Cary admitted that he understands social media about as well my dad who just emailed me for instructions on how to share a link on his Facebook page (I paraphrase, but you get the point). Supposedly Chris Harrison held him at gunpoint casually suggested he get on this newfangled thing called “Instagram” during JoJo’s season because he was the last ABC employee to do so and they needed him to step his fucking game up. How embarrassing for him. With Cary being so late to the Instagram game, he had to have some sort of strategy for gaining followers and might have adopted the strategy of bad press is still press, amiright?
Apparently in the past Cary has pushed contestants to “take chances” with their style, even though JoJo word for word said she would be “crucified on social media” for wearing one of his outfit suggestions. CRUCIFIED ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Becca, are you listening to this?? In response to JoJo’s concerns, Cary said this: “So what?… You can’t rule your life by what others are going to say on social media.” Um, excuse me, but are you living in the same broken world as I am, Cary?? Because, yes, you sure fucking can! This is The Bachelorette! These girls are on here to find mediocre fame and a guy who works with their favorite Instagram filter, not to take chances and potentially be skewered anonymously on the internet for it! Yeah, clearly, Cary is not here for the right reasons and is just using the Bachelorettes to promote heinous fashion and foster conversation about his “risk-taking” style. Pass.
3. He’s Trying To Save Becca From Herself
Finally, my favorite theory for why he might be secretly sabotaging Becca’s chances at love through offensive fashion choices: Cary is just trying to do Becca a solid. Hear me out now: Recently it’s come to light that the men on Becca’s season are trash. Like, soon-to-be registered sex offender, homophobic, racist, piles of trash masquerading as decent human beings with posh accents. She’s so lucky! And yet week after week Becca continues to give out roses to these cretins. Maybe Cary wants to help her out in the only way he knows how: by ruining her sex appeal one lace blazer at a time. Honestly, he’s making a valiant effort here. Go big or go home.
And there you have it, people. Cary Fetman: the man, the myth, the life-ruiner. I can’t wait for next Monday’s episode! I’m sure Becca’s date wear will be a literal crime scene.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (3)
