’Tis the season to black out on Champagne and embarrass yourself in formal wear in front of your boss, colleagues, and that one guy with a man bun who works on your floor. Should be lit. That’s right, people, holiday party season is upon us, which means even though there are only three weeks until the end of the year, and I can barely find the motivation anymore to put pants on in the morning, I somehow have to show up dressed to impress, because Carol in HR has a personal vendetta against me and my leggings. Anyway, if there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that this is the one time of year where you can show up looking extra AF and no one will say shit about it because they think you’re just being festive. Blessings. So here’s all the ways you can look hotter than everyone else at this year’s holiday parties.
1. Rose Gold Everything
You know what they say: The best things in life are free come in rose gold packaging, and holiday makeup is no fucking different. If you want to try out a beauty look that’s slightly different from the holiday norm, then go for a rose gold and bronze look. Smudge some shimmery rose gold shadow along your top and bottom lash lines before finishing it off with a fuckton of eyeliner for a more dramatic effect.
2. All That Glitters
Would it be the holidays if you didn’t have more glitter on your face and body than the floor of a Forever 21? Hell no. Normally, glitter beauty products are a look reserved for girls who want to piss off their daddies by going to Coachella with their weed dealers, but for the sake of the holidays, we’ll give you a pass. We’re v giving like that. That said, there’s a fine line between “festive” and “cry for help.” Try incorporating glitter into your eye makeup, because nothing says “I’m better than all of you” like glittery lids, which is literally all I can ask for when doing my makeup tbh. We suggest going for a glittery cat eye. It’s less extra and more festive.
3. Matte Red Lips
Bold, red lips are a basic, yet timeless look. And by “basic, yet timeless” I mean be prepared to see every other betch on your newsfeed rocking red lips with captions like, “meet me under the mistletoe” or “might be naughty, might be nice” for the next two to three weeks. We suggest using Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in Dragon Girl, because not only is the color highly pigmented but it’ll also outlast you at an open bar. Just saying.
4. Metallic Smoky Eyes
I never say no to a smoky eye, especially because when done right it makes you look bad AF. And also like you have the actual time and skill to pull off a smoky eye and not just something that kind of resembles a smoky eye but looks more like somebody punched you in the face. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about? Perfection Feeling better than everyone else? Be sure to also add some metallic accents for extra edge.
Images: Malvestida Magazine / Unsplash; Instagram (4)
It’s Friday, which means I’ll be binge drinking coffee until it’s socially acceptable to switch to wine. Honestly, by the time Friday rolls around I’m literally exhausted. I’ve worked, like, five days in a row and my will to live is about as thin as my coworker’s eyebrows rn. Like, for god’s sake Belinda HELP YOURSELF, I BEG OF YOU. So, yeah, I’ve been V busy this week and really need a nap and/or a vodka soda stat.
And you can guaran-fucking-tee that when 5 o’clock hits it’ll be like a scene out of Cinderella happening in my office. Think bippity boppity boo but more ho. It’s taken me years to perfect the day-to-night beauty look that frequents both my Instagram story and the 3-6 guys I Snapchat between the hours of 9pm and 3am. I feel the only person who can properly convey this transition is Kelly Kapoor aka my #OfficeBFFGoals:
^^^Actual footage of me at 4:59pm
^^^And at 5:01pm
Miracles happen every day Friday, people. And that miracle can happen for you too, so listen up because here are some basic beauty hacks that will take your look from Pam Beesly to Kelly Kapoor before you can say “I’d like to start a tab, please”:
1. Extend Your Eyeliner
Because nothing says “let’s get fucked up” like the girl who walks into a bar rocking a full-on cat eye. This is one of the easiest ways to take your look from “acceptable to be out in public” to “no paparazzi please.” Give yourself an edgier vibe by lining the inner rim and going ham with your mascara.
2. Get Bold With Your Lip Color
I’d like to be clear here, getting bold with your lip color does not mean copying a look you saw on any type of social media story by one of Hollywood’s thirstiest teen stars (looking at you, Ariel Winter). If you do this and I see you at happy hour it will not look good for you on my Snapchat story. That being said, I’m not going to assume what type of Friday night plans you have but I am going to say that your lip game does tell a story. Don’t let that story say “desperate to look like Kylie Jenner.”
3. Invest In Dry Shampoo
A good dry shampoo actually saves lives and why Sephora hasn’t picked up that tagline yet I will never understand. First, it acts as an oil absorber, which we all know you need because you 100% skipped that shower this morning in favor of an extra 15 minutes sleep. And, like, same girl. But the true magic of a dry shampoo is the extra volume it gives your hair. A few spritzes and your hair is showing more life than Nick Viall’s dancing career.
4. Use Blotting Paper
People don’t just wake up looking fresh-faced, there’s actually a whole lot of shit they put on top of their real face to appear “fresh.” And oil-blotting paper is key to that process. Throughout the day your face builds up more oil than a dollar slice and, trust me, no one wants to see that shit at the bar. Swipe an oil-blotting paper like Mac’s Blot Film a few times across your face for a flawless finish that even the fuckboys on your Snap rotation can’t miss.
5. Make Mascara The Real MVP
This one is pretty basic, but then again I’ve also had to spell out why you can’t just dye the roots of your hair all the colors of the rainbow because the internet tells you to, so I guess I’ll spell this one out for you too. Volumizing mascara is a V important part of my smize game and is an essential part of my office to happy hour ho transformation. Be sure to use a long-lasting, smudge resistant mascara to keep your eyes looking beautiful and vibrant even after those four vodka sodas.
Read: The best long-lasting lipsticks that will stay on through all the ratchet shit you do this weekend
Ah, one of my favorite holidays is upon us. A holiday where it’s socially acceptable to pound $8 green beer and take home a redhead. But because we can’t have nice things, there will be those who will try to fuck it up for the rest of us by blinding our eyes rocking green themed looks. *takes slow, calming breath*
I guess this was bound to happen because any holiday that celebrates gingers is destined to be a clusterfuck beauty-wise, so here’s a list of all the least offensive ways to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day:
1. As An Eyeliner
Green eyeliner is the subtle way to look like you barely give a shit about this holiday, and we approve of this look. But for the love of god don’t go overboard here. The eyeliner should be the focal point of your whole look so don’t try and fuck it up by adding in green glitter eye shadow or some shit.
2. Green Hair Streaks
This is for all my try-hards out there who can’t wait to document Instagram the shit out of this holiday. The key here is to be *subtle* with the hair streaks because this can either make you look hella cool or like a sea monster. Go for temporary mint-hued streaks à la the latest Fendi show if you want to look cool and creative like you give way too many shits.
3. Two-Toned Eye Shadow
This is the main beauty offender I see in between shots when I’m out at bars. Personally, I stopped buying green eye shadow around the same time I stopped crimping my hair, but for those of you who still sport the look I’m suggesting a two-toned eye shadow look in a more subtle shade of green, i.e. not the same color as the T-shirts everyone’s wearing. Start by applying a lighter green hue with a flat brush from the inner corner of the eye to the middle of the lid, and then add a darker shade on the outer corners. Blend, blend, and blend and make sure to apply black liner so you don’t look like a fucking leprechaun.
4. Dark Green Lips
Tbh I didn’t even want to put this one on the list but I thought there’d be a least one betch reading this who likes to push the envelope test my sanity. Even though it makes you look like you just sucked off Shrek, it is very spirited so FINE it makes the list. Go for a darker green lipstick to look more chic and less like I want to anonymously blast you on social media. You could also use a green lip liner to outline your lips for a more graphic effect. The liner lasts longer than lipstick and it won’t get all over your face while you’re celebrating getting shitfaced.
5. Subtle Nails
This is probably the least offensive way to wear green today and that is why I left the best for last. Nail color is like an accessory, so go for an emerald or a mint color to compliment what you’ll be wearing, which I’m guessing is some form of all-black ensemble.
Or you could just go with the other signature look for this holiday: blackout. The choice is yours. Brb just gonna drink until I forget that people are actively sporting green lipstick of their own free will.
The time has come to talk about one of the lesser-talked-about award ceremonies of the year: the Golden Globes, aka the Oscars’ younger, drunker sister. While the Golden Globes red carpet allows stars to give less fucks be a little more casual/experimental than they would be at the Academy Awards, the 2017 lineup was lit. As in, there really weren’t that many terrible beauty looks that made me want to (internally) scream/cry/cry-scream. I mean, of course there were still a few losers who missed the mark, but before we get into the fuck ups, let’s talk about the shining stars who killed the game, i.e. the red carpet.
BEST:
Emily Ratajkowsfsfsdfksafsfki The Hot “Actress” From “Blurred Lines”
The monochromatic shadow and lip combo. The tousled lob. The full brow. 10/10 would bang.
Emma Stone
Though she’s the palest person I’ve ever seen, Emma Stone usually does it right on the red carpet. Following the success of her 75th film with Ryan Gosling, Emma donned a laid back, whimsical low pony, a sheer rose lip, and a subtle cat eye.
Millie Bobby Brown
As the breakout star of Stranger Things and a former Betch of the Week, Millie murdered the red carpet. Not unlike how she murdered the Demogorgon. Only difference is this time she had soft, subtle makeup and a sleek bob.
Lily Collins
Pulling off a red lip with a pink dress and pink shadow is not easy, but somehow Lily did it just to prove that she can.
Kerry Washington
Here for Olivia Pope’s sleek, buttery-highlighted hair and dark lip combo.
Olivia Culpo
The mocha smoked out eye/matte lip/low braid story Olivia’s telling is my 2017 mantra.
WORST:
SJP
While she might have meant to honor the late and great Carrie Fisher, whatever the fuck is happening with SJP’s braids makes me sad. She should have consulted Olivia. (Culpo, not Pope. Though both would probably be appropriate.)
Milo Ventigmiglia
The poor man’s Tom Selleck is now registered under Megan’s Law. Seriously, go check.
Tom Hiddleston
Tbh, he looked OK on the outside (whatever), but last night we saw Tom Hiddleston be ugly on the inside. Proving that he loves himself more than he loves poorly printed tank tops, Hiddleston wanted everyone to know that he is an inspiration to UNICEF and Médecins Sans Frontières and the World Food Program.
Tom Hiddleston: Omg thanks for the award. Let me use this platform to talk about Sudan.
The audience: All ears.
Tom Hiddleston: And how I’ve saved it by acting in a boring show about guns with House.
The audience:
The only thing that would have made up for this is if he thanked Taylor Swift and the audience subsequently boo’d. Sigh. Maybe next year.
