In the newest shitty/bizarre beauty trend—weirdly enough, not started by Kylie Jenner—“glitter tongues” have emerged. In case you can’t take the very literal hint, it’s literally when you cover your fucking tongue with glitter aka tiny fucking shards of plastic.
Frankly, the word “trend” is FAR too overused. Just because one random beauty blogger in Australia thinks glitter tongues are the next winged eyeliner, does not mean it’s a fucking trend. It’s kind of like how Kylie Jenner can wear sweats and high heels and get called “trendy”, but when I do it I’m “visibly intoxicated” and “need to leave Target immediately”.
“Experts” have weighed in on the trend and said that although consuming SOME glitter is okay, most people doing this stupid shit should probably stick to edible glitter. Ya know, like the kind you put on a cake for a 6-year-old’s princess themed birthday party.
Who are these experts and what the fuck are they experts of, exactly? Making completely obvious comments about bullshit glamour fads? What could you possibly have your degree in? A B.A. in “Being Smarter than the Average Moron”?
Look, I’m not a beauty expert—partially because YouTube Beauty Bloggers actually make me want to stick my head in a furnace—but I can say with certainty that this is the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Not only am I annoyed that it exists, but I’m equally annoyed that I have to take perfectly good time out of my day to tell you that this is a load of dog crap. On Planet Bullshit. In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks.
FRIEND: I want to cover my tongue with glitter
ME: Stay right where you are, I’m calling the police
Summer is upon us, which means it’s time to start watching everyone live their best lives on Instagram. A favorite pastime of mine. Tbh I low-key stalk Instagram thots year-round; summer is just the season that’s coming up currently. I’m also intrigued by the batty AF trends people will try out during fall, winter, spring, Coachella, and Ariel Winter’s weekly cry for help. Basically I just watch a scary amount of Instagram stories. It’s v healthy. That being said, my newest obsession is following beauty bloggers on Instagram aka the people that make me want to like the unicorn trend. *shudders* But there’s a lot of basics out there rn claiming they’re beauty “influencers” when really they’re girls with an iPhone and a MAC palette. Which is why I’ve put together this comprehensive list of beauty bloggers you need to follow, like, right now.
1. @mayramnyc
There’s two reasons to follow MaryamNYC: one, she’s a sorceress when it comes to eye makeup tutorials and she is the reason I don’t leave the house looking like a street urchin (most) mornings. The second reason you should follow her is because she’s self-taught. As in, no one taught her shit about makeup she just, like, knows how to do it. I’ll just let that sink in for a moment. I stand by my earlier sorceress comment.
2. @jamescharles
Ugh I hate when boys are prettier than me. For those of you who’ve been productive members of society living under a rock, James Charles was the first male ambassador for CoverGirl and he’s only 17. SEVENTEEN. When I was 17 I was wearing chunky belts from Wet Seal, meanwhile this kid is on fucking billboards in Times Square. But that’s neither here nor there. I suggest following him if you want to feel bad about your wasted youth.
3. @styledbyhrush
When this bitch isn’t slaying at beauty, her side hustle is being a permanent member of the Kardashian/Jenner glam squad. So, respect. Idk what intrigues me more about her account, wanting to know all her beauty secrets—like how tf she gets her cheekbones to look that good—or if she knows wtf actually happened at Kourtney Kardashian’s bday party. So. Many. Questions.
4. @makeupshayla
We’ve mentioned this betch before because her feed is legit Coachella goals and she’s getting an honorable mention from me again because dammit I cannot stop looking at this girl and all her glittery boho vibes. Keep doing you, boo.
5. @chrisspy
It could be the pink hair or the pouty selfies that I’m sure only have 50% to do with makeup, but this girl is giving me some strong Kylie Jenner vibes rn. But instead of, like, whispering incoherent shit in her Snap story, this girl is actually helpful. Her YouTube videos are v instructive, plus she’s got a brand with Urban Decay so you know she knows her shit.
6. @thegabrielzamora
Once again, another man who has better cheekbones than me. *internally screams* Though he’s new to the beauty world, this kid is kicking ass and working with some top beauty brands like MAC Cosmetics and Michelle Phan’s Ipsy. Plus he’s seriously making be want to dye my hair electric blue so that’s where I’m at rn.
K, I’m just going to go backwards stalk myself now to see where it all went wrong for my blossoming career as an Instagram beauty blogger. Though if I had to pick a moment in time it would probs be the year my mother forced me to get bangs. Just saying.
This is why we can’t have nice things. Somebody on Instagram got bored and decided to start a new brow trend that makes your eyebrows look like Will Ferrell’s character from Zoolander. They’re calling it barbed wire brows, which isn’t exactly a sexy sounding name either. Sure, because we want to think of coarse and sharp metal when we think of our faces. What’s going to be next, freckles that look like stalagmites? Oh wait. We already have freckle tattoos, so pretend I never said that.
Unfortunately the barbed wire brow isn’t the first brow of its kind. The feathered brow—literally separating your eyebrows down the middle so they look like two feathers above your eyes—has been making the Instagram rounds as well, and our first instinct was to look for Sarah McLaughlin so we could donate to the charity behind this “trend”. Because surely nobody would willingly make their eyebrows look like that unless they were born with some rare eyebrow deformity, right? But nope, there was no GoFundMe to speak of, just an overly confident makeup artist on the other end who is trying to ruin our lives with fugly brow trends.
It’s like somebody watched The Hunger Games and saw how people in the Capitol dressed and thought that’s the epitome of beauty. We love Elizabeth Banks and all, but we’re not about to live in a future where the beauty standard is clown casual.
We can get down with thick brows, but brows that look like they belong in a Coachella headband are not a good look. Sorry, but those barbed brows make your face look like a 8-year-old’s science fair project. What’s next, wearing fake eyelashes on your eyebrows? Brow extensions? Beaded brows? Never mind, forget we even said that.
It’s 2017 aka the year of realizing stuff self-absorbed assholes winning at life. For proof, look no further than, say, the person running our country or my Instagram news feed which shows no fewer than 18 ex-Bachelor contestants living their best lives at any given time. Which would really send me into a rage blackout if I weren’t too busy watching their Instagram stories and googling their bikini picks for summer 2017. That being said, I am V intrigued by these hoes. It’s clear none of them were ever in it for the “right reasons” unless the right reasons have less to do with dating a man who’s currently dating 20 other women and more to do with them using said man to further their Instagram careers. In which case, those bitches are fucking brilliant. But seriously, how much do Instagram influencers really make? I’m thinking about Amanda specifically here because she has like, six two kids to support off her bikini selfies and I’m concerned that her one million Instagram followers aren’t giving her enough support.
But I shouldn’t worry because I’m sure she know’s what she’s doing with her life, right?
Oh, sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth. I’m good now. Anyway, back to Amanda and her amazing decision making skills. Clearly she can’t be trusted with huge life decisions like picking the man she wants to spend her life with or choosing a career that supports two toddlers and (I assume) her uglier sister the personal assistant who takes all of her Instagram photos. So let’s take a deeper look at this career path, shall we?
According to Byrdie.com, a top Instagram influencer can make up to $150,000 for ONE sponsored campaign. That’s like, if you’re a JoJo and get your own season of The Bachelorette or you’re a Corinne and everyone wishes you’d get your own season of The Bachelorette. If you’re just, like, a Whitney Fransway (I included her last name here but I’m sure you still have no fucking clue who I’m talking about) with around 100,000 followers, the going rate is $5,000 per post. And while I realize I just talked a ton of shit about Amanda a few minutes ago, I would like to point out that I should never have questioned that girl’s livelihood because she is doing just fine. Like twenty thousand dollars a month fine. *internally screams*
Can we just pause here for a second? They’re making HOW much money?? Here I am doing the absolute minimum busting my ass four solid days a week (because the other three I’m hungover AF) while Whitney the Yoga Instructor (you still can’t place her, can you?) is making more money than I make in MONTHS with one photo of her lying on a couch, holding hair vitamins? That’s what you’re telling me rn?
I bet you’re wondering right about now who would want their brands represented by women who can’t tell the difference between a shark and a dolphin. Well, some of the top products for Bachelor girls to pimp out endorse are Diff Eyewear, FabFitFun, YellowTail Wine (lol way to dream big girls), and SugarBear Hair Vitamins, among others. I’m assuming the girls get approached by these companies based off of what their brand on The Bachelor was. So while Corinne is getting sent bottles of Champagne and invitations to go on Ellen and discuss cheese pasta, our favorite psychiatrist Taylor is repping boring AF essential oils.
And none for Gretchen Wieners, bye.
But what I love about these girls is that they have absolutely no subtlety when endorsing these brands. Like, you can stop pretending that all of your Insta content is soooo organic and sooo natural and not at all funded by Flat Tummy Tea because I’m not buying your bullshit, Emily and Haley.
I would say I’m disgusted by all of this but honestly I just want Amanda or one of the twins to take me under their very tiny arms and show me WTF is up. Jesus, did I just willingly put it out there in the world that I would like career advice from someone whose Instagram bio says “professional twin”? Is this what rock bottom looks like?
I guess what I’ve learned from all of this is that now I can totally see why Nick Viall held Chris Harrison hostage until ABC gave him his own Bachelor season (I assume). That was, I’m sure, a V important step in his career towards becoming a shitty dancer on a show no one but my mom watches.
Remember the chubby kid from elementary school gym class who always cost your kickball team a win? Well, he might have been on to something when he said “first is the worst, second is the best,” provided he was talking about which Coachella weekend to attend, and not the game at hand (being optimistic about losing is total nice girl behavior, and we’d never condone it here). You see, Coachella style is a slippery slope. One minute you feel like the most beautiful sequined snowflake on Earth, the next you realize that you’re just wearing the knockoff version of exactly what Kylie Jenner has on, and your sequin glue is not compatible with sweat. With that in mind, it’s probably in your best interest to watch people fuck it up during weekend one, learn from their mistakes, and totally slay for weekend two. For those of you looking to roll into week two with a vengence, makeup is one of the best ways to turn a regular festival look into something totally amazing and Coachella worthy, so here are a few makeup Instagram accounts to creep through for makeup inspiration. Alternatively, you can just take shrooms.
1. @mrtndamex
Who thinks to use liquid lipstick for eyebrows and straight glitter for a highlighter? This betch. Like pretty much every other aspect of our lives, sparkly makeup can go really wrong really fast, but Martina has a few sick tricks.
2. @gogetglitter
Like I said, glitter is a total hit or miss, but Go Get Glitter is a cosmetics brand that seems to be doing it right. However, according to a law I just made up, I have the right to change my stance on this at anytime. For example, if they come out with a Disney Princess line, I’m out. Go Get Glitter clearly heavily contributed to the trail of glitter that now probably permanently exists in Coachella Valley.
3. @makeupshayla
According to Shayla’s Instagram posts, she fell down a flight of stairs at Coachella and still looked like a rock star. (If you didn’t read that in Cady Heron’s voice, you can literally never sit with us.)
4. @beautymeetsvideo
Beauty Meets Video is an account filled with makeup done by British betches, which I’ll admit are always ahead of the curve in the beauty world. Plus, they have a YouTube channel, which is pretty helpful for anyone whose cosmetic experience consists of mostly last-minute decisions to wear winged eyeliner halfway through a pregame.
5. @jvongphoumy
Flower crowns are definitely out, but floral makeup might just be the next move. Joanna’s feed is filled with rainbow lips, crystal liners, and other creative makeup ideas that you haven’t already seen more times than your ex’s new girlfriend’s Instagram feed.
Read: The Best & Worst Dressed Celebs At Coachella Weekend 1
Recently, a video of beauty vlogger Esther Gbudje posted a makeup tutorial in which she applied her foundation with a hard boiled egg and I guess our question is…why? I mean, I get wanting to save $20 on what ultimately amounts to an interestingly shaped sponge, and in the age of Pinterest, far be it from me to stop anyone’s attempt at a DIY project, but an egg? Really? Hard boiled eggs, traditionally, are not the best smelling things, so rubbing one all of your face seems dicey at best. Also like, why waste an egg? They’re the perfect low-cal, protein-packed snack, all of which is wasted if you cover it in blush. There are starving models in Milan who would love to eat that egg right now. Maybe one of them would be willing to trade you for their beauty blender. Just a thought.
And sure, the egg appears to work pretty well, given the fact that it’s a fucking hard boiled egg, but still…why rub an egg on your face? Like, I get using egg whites in a face mask or whatever, but you’re telling me I should rub a slippery ass, freshly peeled egg, all over my face for…beauty?
A resounding “nah” to that.
And here’s the thing—this egg video is not the first time the internet has tried to replace a normal beauty blender with some weird bullshit. Here are 5 other DIY beauty blenders that need to stop, like, now:
1. A Sock
So that’s where all my fucking socks have gone. Crazy people are stealing them to up their makeup game. Seriously, if I am ever getting ready with one of my besties and she pulls out some crusty-ass sock and starts rubbing it on her face, I’m having her committed. Sorry Katie, you’re a ward of the state now. Get your shit together and maybe we’ll see you back in normal society soon.
2. Bra inserts
Okay first of all, bra inserts cost like $40 so I don’t really see how this is saving you any money. Like, not only is it weird for you to rub a silicone boob on your face, but there isn’t even a financial gain attached. Bras are fucking expensive! Do you really want to risk ruining your favorite undergarment by getting them low-key covered in blush? It makes no sense.
3. A Condom
Nope. No. No thank you. That’s gonna be a hard pass. Seriously. Just look at the thumbnail of this video. It’s horrible. If I saw someone using this in public, I would call the police. Hello 911, we have a literal psycho in our midst. Also, wouldn’t this get lube on your face? Who tf wants to get lube on their face? Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Which is fine. Just, as a general rule, it’s best to keep your sex life separate from your makeup routine. No need to get those wires crossed.
4. A Tomato
Again—why waste a perfectly good tomato? It’s like, you could have had a yummy snack that makes you look healthy AF, but instead you’re a literal lunatic stuck in her room rubbing fruit on her face. Just seems unnecessary.
5. A Pancake
Okay now this is just plain ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me that you would rather COOK PANCAKES every time you want to do your makeup, than just bite the bullet and buy a fucking beauty blender? There are knock-offs on amazon for like $2 that work just fucking fine. You’re telling me that I’m gonna have to do a full-on Great British Bake Off anytime I want to go out? No way. All this method would do is lead to a major increase in the amount of pancakes I eat, which sound both delicious and carb-heavy. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take that risk. I have a summer body to maintain.
In case there weren’t enough terrifying beauty trends in 2017 already (see: Lisa Frank makeup and the comeback of spray tans via the Cheeto Dictator of the United States), now people are tattooing freckles on their faces and redheads all over the world are ugly crying over their unused concealer sticks.
When I first heard about this trend I thought it was maybe some sort of sick joke being played on Lindsay Lohan because we all know that girl spent half of her Mean Girls earnings trying to laser that shit off. But sadly this shit is very real and appears to be here to stay (at least until the next moronic Instagram beauty trend pops up).
Here’s the deal: for the low, low price of $250 AN HOUR people can ask tattoo artists and trained microbladers to fuck tat them up with fake freckles. Apparently people—real people, not characters in a Judy Blume novel—like, actually want permanent face spots? Idk. Guess so, because the hashtag #freckletattoo is casually breaking Instagram and our hearts.
What Is Microblading And Is It Worth It Or Nah?
Permanent Freckle Tattoo https://t.co/ggvn2UtDXq pic.twitter.com/JGzFONzU3l
— Jonathan van Dyck (@JonathanvanDyc1) February 23, 2017
I would bet the glass of wine I’m holding in my hand right now that some hipster model in Bushwick started this trend but now people like Khloé Kardashian are making it famous, and we are seriously disturbed. We aren’t sure when people stopped fucking up their skin the natural way by day drinking spending time in the sun and resorted to this expensive af “beauty” treatment, but yet here we are.
Users claim they’re getting freckle tattoos to cover up acne blemishes and other unmentionables but, you know what, so does FUCKING MAKEUP.
Am I the only one who thinks this looks like the before picture of a blackhead acne commercial??
Just when you thought freckles were for redheads and poor people who can’t afford a Kylighter, suddenly 14-year-olds beauty bloggers on Instagram are there to slap you in the face with a harsh dose of reality. This beauty trend is def for try-hards, but people also get tattoos of infinity symbols so I guess there’s always worse shit you could tattoo on your body. Maybe. Is an infinity tattoo worse than permanent freckles?? The former says “I did molly once at Coachella and now dream of becoming a professional hula hooper,” while the latter says “I have the foresight of a goldfish and actively want people to cyber bully me.” What a fucking world we live in.
Real talk though, who wants to bet that LiLo is getting fucked up in some euro nightclub rn because freckles are in again?
