This is why we can’t have nice things. Somebody on Instagram got bored and decided to start a new brow trend that makes your eyebrows look like Will Ferrell’s character from Zoolander. They’re calling it barbed wire brows, which isn’t exactly a sexy sounding name either. Sure, because we want to think of coarse and sharp metal when we think of our faces. What’s going to be next, freckles that look like stalagmites? Oh wait. We already have freckle tattoos, so pretend I never said that.
Unfortunately the barbed wire brow isn’t the first brow of its kind. The feathered brow—literally separating your eyebrows down the middle so they look like two feathers above your eyes—has been making the Instagram rounds as well, and our first instinct was to look for Sarah McLaughlin so we could donate to the charity behind this “trend”. Because surely nobody would willingly make their eyebrows look like that unless they were born with some rare eyebrow deformity, right? But nope, there was no GoFundMe to speak of, just an overly confident makeup artist on the other end who is trying to ruin our lives with fugly brow trends.
It’s like somebody watched The Hunger Games and saw how people in the Capitol dressed and thought that’s the epitome of beauty. We love Elizabeth Banks and all, but we’re not about to live in a future where the beauty standard is clown casual.
We can get down with thick brows, but brows that look like they belong in a Coachella headband are not a good look. Sorry, but those barbed brows make your face look like a 8-year-old’s science fair project. What’s next, wearing fake eyelashes on your eyebrows? Brow extensions? Beaded brows? Never mind, forget we even said that.
Remember the chubby kid from elementary school gym class who always cost your kickball team a win? Well, he might have been on to something when he said “first is the worst, second is the best,” provided he was talking about which Coachella weekend to attend, and not the game at hand (being optimistic about losing is total nice girl behavior, and we’d never condone it here). You see, Coachella style is a slippery slope. One minute you feel like the most beautiful sequined snowflake on Earth, the next you realize that you’re just wearing the knockoff version of exactly what Kylie Jenner has on, and your sequin glue is not compatible with sweat. With that in mind, it’s probably in your best interest to watch people fuck it up during weekend one, learn from their mistakes, and totally slay for weekend two. For those of you looking to roll into week two with a vengence, makeup is one of the best ways to turn a regular festival look into something totally amazing and Coachella worthy, so here are a few makeup Instagram accounts to creep through for makeup inspiration. Alternatively, you can just take shrooms.
1. @mrtndamex
Who thinks to use liquid lipstick for eyebrows and straight glitter for a highlighter? This betch. Like pretty much every other aspect of our lives, sparkly makeup can go really wrong really fast, but Martina has a few sick tricks.
2. @gogetglitter
Like I said, glitter is a total hit or miss, but Go Get Glitter is a cosmetics brand that seems to be doing it right. However, according to a law I just made up, I have the right to change my stance on this at anytime. For example, if they come out with a Disney Princess line, I’m out. Go Get Glitter clearly heavily contributed to the trail of glitter that now probably permanently exists in Coachella Valley.
3. @makeupshayla
According to Shayla’s Instagram posts, she fell down a flight of stairs at Coachella and still looked like a rock star. (If you didn’t read that in Cady Heron’s voice, you can literally never sit with us.)
4. @beautymeetsvideo
Beauty Meets Video is an account filled with makeup done by British betches, which I’ll admit are always ahead of the curve in the beauty world. Plus, they have a YouTube channel, which is pretty helpful for anyone whose cosmetic experience consists of mostly last-minute decisions to wear winged eyeliner halfway through a pregame.
5. @jvongphoumy
Flower crowns are definitely out, but floral makeup might just be the next move. Joanna’s feed is filled with rainbow lips, crystal liners, and other creative makeup ideas that you haven’t already seen more times than your ex’s new girlfriend’s Instagram feed.
Read: The Best & Worst Dressed Celebs At Coachella Weekend 1
Recently, a video of beauty vlogger Esther Gbudje posted a makeup tutorial in which she applied her foundation with a hard boiled egg and I guess our question is…why? I mean, I get wanting to save $20 on what ultimately amounts to an interestingly shaped sponge, and in the age of Pinterest, far be it from me to stop anyone’s attempt at a DIY project, but an egg? Really? Hard boiled eggs, traditionally, are not the best smelling things, so rubbing one all of your face seems dicey at best. Also like, why waste an egg? They’re the perfect low-cal, protein-packed snack, all of which is wasted if you cover it in blush. There are starving models in Milan who would love to eat that egg right now. Maybe one of them would be willing to trade you for their beauty blender. Just a thought.
And sure, the egg appears to work pretty well, given the fact that it’s a fucking hard boiled egg, but still…why rub an egg on your face? Like, I get using egg whites in a face mask or whatever, but you’re telling me I should rub a slippery ass, freshly peeled egg, all over my face for…beauty?
A resounding “nah” to that.
And here’s the thing—this egg video is not the first time the internet has tried to replace a normal beauty blender with some weird bullshit. Here are 5 other DIY beauty blenders that need to stop, like, now:
1. A Sock
So that’s where all my fucking socks have gone. Crazy people are stealing them to up their makeup game. Seriously, if I am ever getting ready with one of my besties and she pulls out some crusty-ass sock and starts rubbing it on her face, I’m having her committed. Sorry Katie, you’re a ward of the state now. Get your shit together and maybe we’ll see you back in normal society soon.
2. Bra inserts
Okay first of all, bra inserts cost like $40 so I don’t really see how this is saving you any money. Like, not only is it weird for you to rub a silicone boob on your face, but there isn’t even a financial gain attached. Bras are fucking expensive! Do you really want to risk ruining your favorite undergarment by getting them low-key covered in blush? It makes no sense.
3. A Condom
Nope. No. No thank you. That’s gonna be a hard pass. Seriously. Just look at the thumbnail of this video. It’s horrible. If I saw someone using this in public, I would call the police. Hello 911, we have a literal psycho in our midst. Also, wouldn’t this get lube on your face? Who tf wants to get lube on their face? Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Which is fine. Just, as a general rule, it’s best to keep your sex life separate from your makeup routine. No need to get those wires crossed.
4. A Tomato
Again—why waste a perfectly good tomato? It’s like, you could have had a yummy snack that makes you look healthy AF, but instead you’re a literal lunatic stuck in her room rubbing fruit on her face. Just seems unnecessary.
5. A Pancake
Okay now this is just plain ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me that you would rather COOK PANCAKES every time you want to do your makeup, than just bite the bullet and buy a fucking beauty blender? There are knock-offs on amazon for like $2 that work just fucking fine. You’re telling me that I’m gonna have to do a full-on Great British Bake Off anytime I want to go out? No way. All this method would do is lead to a major increase in the amount of pancakes I eat, which sound both delicious and carb-heavy. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take that risk. I have a summer body to maintain.
