So I think it’s safe to say that 2017 has been a rough fucking ride for everyone, amiright? And by “rough fucking ride” I mean literally batshit crazy. Like, that time we elected a president whose idea of a good time is
drunk texting his ex tweeting insults at foreign leaders who definitely have weapons of mass destruction at their disposal. *smiles through the pain* Or that time we made Nick Viall the next Bachelor and then followed that decision up by making an irrelevant nobody who bangs sorority girls in his spare time Arie the Bachelor after that. Really tough times, my friends. That said, nothing was more batshit this year than when people tried to start a beauty trend. I mean, glitter butts? Fucking rainbow roots? Tbh these weren’t even really the worst of it. And if you’re reading this and thinking you absolutely tried to pull off one of these looks at one point or another in 2017, then congratulations, you’ve made it to my burn book. It’s really a coveted place in my heart. Now prepare to be skewered for it. So here are the worst beauty trends of 2017 (and let’s all pray none of these people fuck up 2018 for us).
1. PIMPLE NAIL ART
First of all, I AM CALLING THE DAMN POLICE on every single one of you bitches who brought this shit to my Instagram news feed by making puss-filled nails a viral fucking phenomenon. It matters not that you didn’t try this trend out for yourself, just that you viewed and/or liked this hate crime of a video. You know what you did, stand by that. Now I have to somehow explain to my future children that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, even spending 12 hours of your life trying to recreate a pimple popper video on your nail bed.
2. SNOGGED LIPS
Ah, and how could we forget the trend that was inspired my walks of shame and reinforced by
people who have clearly never been inside of a frat house at 9am on a Saturday designers at Fashion Week? Seriously, if I wanted to walk around looking like a baby prostitute, I’d break out my Kappa Sig semi formal dress from sophomore year. Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me.
3. ANYTHING PEOPLE DID TO THEIR EYEBROWS EVER
This year we had to cancel eyebrows, because what was once sacred has now been tainted by the garbage people of Instagram who will do literally anything for a fucking like. And if you don’t believe me then let’s look at the damning evidence, shall we?
Lord Jesus, fix it. If I wasn’t already worried that the end of the world was about to come in the form of a Twitter war between a dotard and a Mr. Short and Fat, then I certainly am now.
Exhibit B: Feather Brows
Sorry, I just slipped into a rage blackout for a minute there. I’m back now. If I had known that 2017 would be the year that people started parting their eyebrows the same way I parted my hair in middle school, then I would have deleted my Instagram account January 1. Just saying.
Exhibit C: Barbed Wire Eyebrows
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Instagram is full of trash humans who can’t be trusted with beauty trends, and now we can’t have nice
things EYEBROWS. Let’s now have a moment of silence for all those who were led astray by 15-year olds with a vlog beauty influencers and ruined the sanctity of eyebrows for everyone.
4. CONDOM BEAUTY BLENDERS
That’s right, people. Someone, somewhere, thought it would be cool/trendy/worth public humiliation for an Instagram like to blend their face makeup with A FUCKING CONDOM. I shouldn’t have to say this, but since apparently none of you can be trusted to even blend your makeup the right way, then I guess I have to. Condoms should be used for one thing, and one thing only, and that thing is for
after your Bumble date with the guy who “accidentally” missed the last train to Jersey sex. THAT’S IT. Anything else and I will call the fucking police on you, because that is a damn crime.
^^Lexy is not wrong. #ImWithHer
5. TATTOOED FRECKLES
I’m still not entirely convinced that this trend wasn’t just an elaborate prank the world pulled on Lindsay Lohan to make her feel like shit for spending the last of her Mean Girls earnings on getting her freckles removed, but okay. Tattooed freckles started to become a thing at the beginning of 2017, because I guess people like shelling out hundreds of dollars to look like their blackheads are out of control? Whatever. To each their own. Tbh this whole trend is just another reason why you shouldn’t
move to Bushwick buy into hipster nonsense. Seriously, don’t do it.
Recently, a video of beauty vlogger Esther Gbudje posted a makeup tutorial in which she applied her foundation with a hard boiled egg and I guess our question is…why? I mean, I get wanting to save $20 on what ultimately amounts to an interestingly shaped sponge, and in the age of Pinterest, far be it from me to stop anyone’s attempt at a DIY project, but an egg? Really? Hard boiled eggs, traditionally, are not the best smelling things, so rubbing one all of your face seems dicey at best. Also like, why waste an egg? They’re the perfect low-cal, protein-packed snack, all of which is wasted if you cover it in blush. There are starving models in Milan who would love to eat that egg right now. Maybe one of them would be willing to trade you for their beauty blender. Just a thought.
And sure, the egg appears to work pretty well, given the fact that it’s a fucking hard boiled egg, but still…why rub an egg on your face? Like, I get using egg whites in a face mask or whatever, but you’re telling me I should rub a slippery ass, freshly peeled egg, all over my face for…beauty?
A resounding “nah” to that.
EGG BLENDING SPONGE I have seen loads of beauty hacks using different things as blending sponge like , kitchen scourer, pads even condoms (I would have loved to try that but I would have to answer loads of questions from hubby lol) so I took it a notch by using a HARD BOILED EGG Sienna had a filled day laughing so hard she said ‘oh Mummy you are crazy and I love it’ lol. Well anyway did it work YES it did, would I use it again hmmmm MAYBE . Would you try this hack? Yes or No. What you think? Let me know what other Instagram Beauty Hack you have tried and it actually worked for you. Do enjoy the video. Press Play my loves ❤❤❤❤ Shape Of You – Ed Sheeran #houseofsienna #shimycatsmua #universodamaquiagem_oficial #undiscovered_muas #hudabeauty #wakeupandmakeup #peachyqueenblog #motd#tudoparachicas#strictlytutorials#likeforlike#sdeventsworld#followforfollow#fakeupfix#highlightandcontour#makeupvideoss#makeupartist #liveglam#1minutemakeup#tutorials#tutorial#makeupforbarbies#instagram#makeuptutorial#makeupdolls#ibeautybar#livetutorial#makeup#makeuptutorialsx0x @makeupforbarbies @buzzfeed #beautyqueens4ever
And here’s the thing—this egg video is not the first time the internet has tried to replace a normal beauty blender with some weird bullshit. Here are 5 other DIY beauty blenders that need to stop, like, now:
1. A Sock
So that’s where all my fucking socks have gone. Crazy people are stealing them to up their makeup game. Seriously, if I am ever getting ready with one of my besties and she pulls out some crusty-ass sock and starts rubbing it on her face, I’m having her committed. Sorry Katie, you’re a ward of the state now. Get your shit together and maybe we’ll see you back in normal society soon.
@mayratouchofglam had the genius idea of applying foundation with a sock! Just tried her beauty hack and I have to say. It’s amazing!!! This was her idea not mine! Go to her YouTube channel to watch the full video of her trying this method out Products: a microfiber sock (works better than cotton, I think) @shophudabeauty @hudabeauty lashes in Scarlett #shophudabeauty #hudabeauty @anastasiabeverlyhills #dipbrow in taupe #anastasiabeverlyhills #AnastasiaBrows @ofracosmetics #ofracosmetics lipstick in hypno #beautyhack #vegas_nay #recent4recent #like4like #liveglam #makegirlz #makeupvideoss #makeupcoach #makeupclips #makeup #motd #wakeupandmakeup #videosfashions #tutorialsinspirations #makeupjunkie #makeuptutorials #anastasiabeverlyhills #AnastasiaBrows #brian_champagne #hacks #hairandmakeupdiary #laurag_143 #maquiagem #maquillaje
2. Bra inserts
Okay first of all, bra inserts cost like $40 so I don’t really see how this is saving you any money. Like, not only is it weird for you to rub a silicone boob on your face, but there isn’t even a financial gain attached. Bras are fucking expensive! Do you really want to risk ruining your favorite undergarment by getting them low-key covered in blush? It makes no sense.
3. A Condom
Nope. No. No thank you. That’s gonna be a hard pass. Seriously. Just look at the thumbnail of this video. It’s horrible. If I saw someone using this in public, I would call the police. Hello 911, we have a literal psycho in our midst. Also, wouldn’t this get lube on your face? Who tf wants to get lube on their face? Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Which is fine. Just, as a general rule, it’s best to keep your sex life separate from your makeup routine. No need to get those wires crossed.
4. A Tomato
Again—why waste a perfectly good tomato? It’s like, you could have had a yummy snack that makes you look healthy AF, but instead you’re a literal lunatic stuck in her room rubbing fruit on her face. Just seems unnecessary.
▶▶PRESS PLAY..Everyday when I’m scrolling on social media I see people saying the most hateful things on someone else’s post!..It’s sad that people would rather spread hate than love in a world where none of this is real!..At the end of the day, MAKEUP IS A FORM OF ART, and whether or not you respect the process, it takes time to sit down, record and then edit!..It can take hours/days for content to be created just so some of you TROLLS can be entertained…If you don’t like something, KEEP SCROLLING. I promise it won’t hurt that creators feelings…If someone wants to beat THEIR FACE with a condom or a Washer machine or their favorite chocolate cake then LET THEM LIVE In this video, I applied my foundation with a Roma tomatoe and also blended out my concelear with it. I must say it applied alot better than I imagined it would..If I had to do this challenge again, I would definitely use a smaller tomatoe. If you decide to do this Challenge then TAG ME, SO I don’t miss it!!…Live..Love..and stay Great❤ P U R P L E H A Z E . Song ” serious” ft. @devvonterrell . . #makeupforbarbies #livingwithgratitude #makeupforwoc #contourandhighlighting #makeupfordarkskin #b4evabeauty #makeupslayageworldwide#vavabeauty #hudabeauty #1minutemakeup #allmodernmakeup #undiscovered_muas #makeupartistworldwide #eyelive4beauty #makeupforblackwomen#shimycatsmua #makeupformelaningirls #hairnbeautydirectory #celebrateyourskintone #elfcosmetics #hypnaughtymakeup #brian_champagne #bombhighlight #beautyqueens4ever #curvy_cartel #wocinspirebeauty #associationofbeauty #slave2beauty #makeupformelaningirls #makeuptutorial #makeupterrific @brian_champagne @eyelive4beauty @makeupforblackwomen @hudabeauty @thecutlife @wakeupandmakeup @allmodernmakeup @slave2beauty I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU GORGEOUS BEAUTIES TO TRY THIS CHALLENGE OUT❤@lvixxen @janiellewright @vivalapinkposh @glambyruna @makeupholic_moon @sahursart @khloedosh @popsugarbeauty @fashionclip.s
5. A Pancake
Okay now this is just plain ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me that you would rather COOK PANCAKES every time you want to do your makeup, than just bite the bullet and buy a fucking beauty blender? There are knock-offs on amazon for like $2 that work just fucking fine. You’re telling me that I’m gonna have to do a full-on Great British Bake Off anytime I want to go out? No way. All this method would do is lead to a major increase in the amount of pancakes I eat, which sound both delicious and carb-heavy. I’m sorry, but I just can’t take that risk. I have a summer body to maintain.