As young betches, after we realized boys don’t really have cooties, but before we realized that they’re actually all just fuckboys who will ruin our lives, we enjoyed fantasizing about being whisked away by a certain type of bro. This group of bros provided us constant entertainment and were easy on the eyes—yes, I’m talking about the Disney princes. Every Disney movie had one, and they were all hot. Ah, the good old days. Because it’s totally normal to judge the physical attractiveness of a bunch of animated drawings, I’m here to rank the Disney princes according to their hotness level. I’m sure you’ll all have an opinion, so be sure to leave it in the comments section, which I definitely read.
10. The Prince
The Prince is the nameless prince in Snow White. He hardly speaks except for when he sings some lame-ass song about wishing for the woman he loves to come find him. Yeah, if love worked that way I’d be married with Shemar Moore’s kid by now. Talk about a delusional dater. Throughout the movie, he doesn’t do shit besides kiss Snow White and wake her up from a death-like sleep. Uhh, can you not? I was taking a nap. His presence in the movie is largely unnecessary, which is probably why they don’t even bother to give him a name. Last place.
P.S. Are you wearing fucking makeup, dude? Ultimate last place.
I’m sorry, Kristoff is not hot. What’s up with that goofy smile? And that vest? That vest is hideous. He has good hair and is like, a decent person, otherwise he’d be in last.
8. Prince Charming
Prince Charming is okay looking but he’s a fucking Nice Guy. Bruh, how low is your self-esteem that you spend all night dancing with a betch and don’t even ask her her fucking name?? Also, you definitely took the hard route finding Cinderella. You could have, like, asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone with her physical description, JUST SAYING. Also minus points for the probably foot fetish. Boy bye.
7. John Smith
YES I KNOW John Smith isn’t *technically* a prince, but he’s Pocahontas’ love interest so he fucking counts. Here’s the deal. He’s handsome, he’s got great hair, and he’s fucking British. That should be all the info you need. Except for the fact that Pocahontas wouldn’t even come with him back to England at the end of the movie, so he obviously has no game. So close, but not close enough. Seventh.
6. The Beast
He gets hot points because he’s rich, has a sick house, and is objectively attractive once you get rid of all the fur and stuff. But minus points because he’s a raging asshole—probably because he spent his entire adult life alone locked up in a fucking castle with only his kitchenware to talk to. I’d imagine that would take a toll on anybody’s personality. Regardless, that’s gonna point to some communication problems later on, I’m sure. Also he spends most of the movie as an actual beast, which certainly raises some bestiality questions to say the least.
5. Flynn Rider
Aka Eugene Fitzherbert, which incidentally is my accountant’s name. Flynn is like, a less hot and slightly more thug version of Aladdin, except he has a better pet. He’s fine, so he is precisely in the middle.
Aladdin is basically that guy with a shady past you dated for a while to scare your dad, but you’d never let him wife you. He hangs out with a literal monkey, FFS. However, Aladdin cleaned up well and showed Jasmine a whole new world, so you know he’s dynamite in bed. Solid fourth.
3. Prince Naveen
Naveen is definitely a regulation hottie. Tall, dark, and handsome with light-colored eyes? Swoon. Naveen is that confident, funny, attractive guy that every girl thinks is in love with them but really he’s just flirty with everyone. It wasn’t cute that he was content living as a frog with Tiana for a hot second, which is the only reason he’s not in first or second place. But since he got changed back into a human at the end so we’re all good here.
2. Li Shang
Shang is a hotshot army captain, and betches love a man in uniform. Plus, he’s fucking ripped underneath all that armor. Check out those abs! Shang doesn’t take shit and tbh, we need that. Even Mulan’s grandma thinks he’s sexy.
1. Prince Eric
Prince Eric is OBVIOUSLY the hottest out of all the Disney princes. The black hair/blue eyes combo sure is a winning one. And that smile, man. Is it weird to be attracted to a cartoon character? He may be kind of an asshole for almost marrying another betch like, one day after he met Ariel. Like, why were you in such a rush to settle down, Eric? Could you not just have waited it out? However, gotta give credit where credit is due. That was some solid game-playing, Eric. Major SAB move. For those reasons, but mostly because he’s fucking hot af, Eric takes the top spot.
While the “fuckboy” label has only existed for the past year or so, fuckboy behavior goes back centuries. Like, did Romeo really need to come into Juliet’s life and set fire to all of her most important relationships just so they could get married just so they could legally bone? Probs not. We here at Betches have explored many varieties of fuckboy who may have contributed to your subconcious desire to try and change them. (Fuckboys cannot be changed. They can only evolve into Fuckmen, run for President, and inexplicably win in spite of running against a much more qualified woman. This is called the “cycle of fuck” and it is currently ruining America. But that’s neither here nor there.) The worst of these are the Disney fuckboys, who weaseled their way into your brain at a very young and impressionable age to teach you that it is totally fine and not at all suspcious for a man you’ve barely met to tell you he loves you and kiss you while you’re sleeping. Like, if any of these dudes were transported into modern day, they’d never have time to marry a princess because they’d be too busy texting “U UP?” to anything with a pulse. While basically every male Disney character displays fuckboyish tendancies, the following 10 bros are the most responsible for the fact that you keep dating dudes who think Justin Bieber is an acceptable role model.
Read: 15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy
Gaston is such a fuckboy that it honestly feels like a cop-out to include him on the list. Like, he’s almost the TTH of being a douchebag, so much so that I don’t want to validate his efforts by including him on the list. Gaston is one of those dudes who always goes around bragging about how shitty he is to women, as if that’s a sign of anything other than the fact that he’s overcompensating for his micropenis. He only wants Belle because she’s hot and doesn’t want him, but you know he’s still texting all three of the blonde boob sisters on the side for validation. Gaston is literally every Tinder dude who called you a bitch after you didn’t respond to him for 5 minutes, and he hasn’t willingly read a book since that pickup artist manual.
2. The Genie
The Genie has all the marks of a traditional fuckboy: 1) he’s always shirtless, 2) he pretends like he can do anything, but when push comes to shove he can’t really do shit 3) he acts all fun and happy but he’s really deeply unhappy with the way his life is going. The Genie is all flash and no action. Like, sure he’s fun to hang out with, but at the end of the day he can’t make people fall in love or bring people back from the dead, and he’ll absolutely ghost you as soon as some other chick comes by and rubs his lamp the right way. Also, you can basically never go with him back to his place because it’s tiny and sucks ass.
3. Prince Eric
Prince Eric is so much of a fuckboy that when he meets a hot mute girl naked on the beach, he starts dating her, no questions asked. Dude clearly only has one priority when it comes to meeting a member of the opposite sex, and it’s not hearing her thoughts and opinions. Eric is a Prince, which means he’s rich and probably has not had a lot of people tell him “no” or “please don’t bring random homeless women who can’t speak into the castle” much in his life. Dude has no business ruling a country, let alone being a father, which is exactly why in The Little Mermaid II: Return To The Sea King Eric dips as soon as shit gets rough. Like, you seriously can’t even be bothered to help your wife find your daughter who is missing in the ocean? You’re really just gonna show up at the end to fight Ursula’s sister like you’ve been helping the whole time? Total fuckboy move.
^This looks like the smile of a fuckboy who’s planning his latest way to screw a woman over. Just saying.
4. Prince Ali
Aladdin is cool, but Prince Ali is a fucking scrub. You know, and I know, and especially Princess Jasmine knows, that any dude who rolls up looking this flashy for a first date is probably poor AF in real life. He just borrowed that elephant and clothes from his homie who has a real job, and as soon as you commit, he’ll be back to stealing from street vendors and sleeping in an abandoned building. And like, sure, he has a dope ride, but this dude is shady and a liar. You know Prince Ali’s online dating profile shaves like, 5-10 years off his age and says that he’s an “entrepreneur.” Stay away.
5. Flynn Rider
Flynn Rider is the type of fuckboy who really took the whole “he’s mean to you because he likes you” thing from elementary school waaaaayyy too seriously. Like, dude obviously had a boner for Rapunzel the moment he saw her, but he pretends to be all annoyed by her presence, as if he wouldn’t totally lose his shit if she rode off on an adventure with some other dude. He’s also very into illegal activities, meaning that dating him comes with an 80% chance of having to spend your whole paycheck on bailing him out of jail once a month. Yeah, he’s hot, but is his hotness worth finding out that he’s been running a drug cartel out of your living room when you’re at work? Def not.
Lumiere is the most DTF character in any Disney movie—potentially any movie—period. Any moment when Lumiere isn’t giving The Beast the most basic advice about how to hook up with Belle (Give her flowers! Be friendly! Let her eat!), he is low-key sexually harassing the feather duster. Like, I get that they’re both French and the feather duster appears to be down, but they are also at work. It’s not appropriate. Honestly, if their whole continued existence didn’t depend on her falling in love with The Beast, I’m fairly certain that Lumiere would have tried to slide up into Belle’s DMs. You can see it in his eyes during “Be Our Guest”. The entire time he’s thinking, “If this chick didn’t have to fall in love with my boss for me to get a functioning penis again, I would totally hit that.”
7. Prince Charming
Prince Charming is a fucking idiot. You spent all damn night dancing with Cinderella, and you’re gonna tell me you need a SHOE to figure out who she is? Why don’t you just have every woman in the kingdom text you a picture of their fucking FACE? Like, yeah Cinderella was all dressed up and shit for the ball but you should still be able to recognize her FACE. Like, is the implication here that if the shoe had fit one of the step sisters, he would have just married her, despite the fact that she looks and sounds nothing like the woman he spent all night dancing with? Prince Charming is clearly one of those dudes who just sees all women as a walking vagina. He asks no questions, and pays 0 attention to anything a woman says in his presence, which is why he couldn’t just approach these women individually and ask them literally any detail about the evening they spent together to confirm their identity.
Good Lord, where do I even start? Hans is one of the most dangerous varieties of fuckboy: the fuckboy who knows what he is doing. Most fuckboys do bad things because they did too many whippits in early high school and lack the brain capacity to understand their actions, but Hans is fucking smart. He knew exactly what he was doing by targeting Anna, clearly the stupider and the more desperate of the two sisters. Hans may have shown up to Arendelle to see if he could hit it with the new queen, but he took one look at Elsa’s “independent woman” vibe and knew there was no way he’d be able to get up to all his usual bullshit if she was his girl. That’s why he chose Anna—a girl so stupid she didn’t even realize that her older sister, aka the only friend she’s ever had in her life, has magical ice powers. Hans is the youngest of 13, meaning that he has a serious inferiority complex that you know he’s going to be bringing with him to any potential relationship. Dude is absolutely shady—possibly a sociopath—and will probably be trying to marry young, impressionable girls well into his 50s.
9. The Beast
Wow. A lot of Beauty And The Beast characters on here but, then again, Beauty and The Beast is a pretty troubling film. The Beast’s idea of “dating” involves trapping a woman in his house, asking her to dinner, and then screaming “IF SHE DOESN’T EAT WITH ME SHE’LL STARVE” when she says no. He’s absolutely the type of guy who flips out when you say that you want to use a condom, and blows your phone up with angry messages when you give him the courtesy of saying you’re not feeling it after he pays for your dinner, but only after he makes a 20-minute production about it, on one date.
10. Mickey Mouse
Mickey Mouse is the OG Disney fuckboy masquerading as a nice guy. First off, he and Minnie have been dating for over 88 years, and yet they’ve never had a public wedding ceremony. And sure, Walt Disney says they’re married “in their private life,” but why not publicly? Seems like Mickey is trying to maintain a single image, in case some other hot young mousette comes along. That’s why he never wears his wedding ring. He’s keeping all his options open. Eventually, Minnie will get wise to this strategy and leave him, only to return a few years later with a Harvard Law student who says that he and Minnie had a common law marriage, which heretofore entitles her to equitable division of assets and that Minnie is granted full canine property rights and is taking Pluto, dumbass.
Honorable Mention: Walt Disney
Walt Disney was less of a “fuckboy” and more of a “racist lunatic who refused to hire women,” but it was his twisted brain that gave us all of the Disney related relationship/emotional/body confidence issues that plague us to this day. IDK if “props” are neceassirly in order here, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t at least recognize his considerable contributions to fuckboy culture.
The live action Beauty and The Beast opened last week and has already made over $392 million worldwide. Not bad for a story about a woman who falls in love with a giant ram-cat. For the past year and a half, Beauty and The Beast has been fucking everywhere. Like, you can barely browse Twitter on the toilet these days without running into a video of Emma Watson talking about how kidnapping is actually feminist now or a Medium post about what Disney’s “exclusively gay moment” could mean for trans candelabras. All this talk about Emma Watson’s tits and gay Lefou got us thinking, when was the last time we checked in with the OG 1991 animated version? Like, no offense to Emma and co but this new one is basically a shot-for-shot remake but with bad autotune and one scene where two men men make eye contact. Also Belle is like, an inventor or some shit. Very progressive.
And let’s face it, while Emma Watson’s transformation from ugly duckling who loves books to hot person who loves books is fascinating, she’ll never hold a candle (or a tune – my dad) to the animated Belle whose face was stamped on our backpacks, lunchboxes, and birthday decorations for basically all of elementary school.
So how does OG BATB hold up now that we can like, read and count and shit? Let’s investigate:
We open on a flashback. The narrator, who we never hear from again, starts going in on The Beast. He calls him “spoiled, selfish, and unkind,” and tells us all about how he once didn’t let a random homeless lady into his house. Turns out the homeless lady was really a beautiful enchantress who is totally pissed The Not-Yet-Beast didn’t let her into his house. She turns him into a beast, and in a dick move, she includes all his servants and shit in the curse as well. Then she hands him a magic mirror and a rose, tells him he’d better find love before his 21st birthday, and GTFOs.
Sidebar: If The Beast is only 20 at the end, and Lumiere says they’ve been in the castle for eleven years, then does that mean The Beast is like 10 years old when this happened? Eternal life as a monster seems like kind of a harsh punishment for a kid who didn’t want to talk to strangers. Isn’t this what we tell 10-year-olds to do? It’s stranger danger, not stranger danger unless you think the stranger is secretly an enchantress. Come on, Disney.
Cut to Belle’s shitty college town. Belle kicks off the movie with a musical number where she walks around talking shit on everyone in her immediate area. “The baker always has the same bread,” “This town is poor and provincial,” “Marie’s baguettes are tacky AF,” that kind of thing.
But as much shit as Belle talks about the town, the town talks equal amounts of shit about her. Mainly because she likes to read, which is strange for women in this town, who spend most of their time wandering around buying food and screaming “I NEED SIX EGGS” at anyone who will listen.
Cue Gaston shooting a goose out of the sky. Gaston tells LeFou (who is gay, I guess) that he’s going to marry Belle because she’s the hottest person in town and despite the presence of three identical boob sisters. Gaston never addresses why he does not find the Tit Triplets as acceptable wives. They’re probably from a lower tier sorority or something like that.
Belle and Gaston have a conversation that is literally cringeworthy. Like, if it was a Tinder message, it would have gone like this:
GASTON: Hey girl what’s up?
BELLE: Nothing. Just reading.
GASTON: Howabout you read this DICK tho?
BELLE: I’m not interested.
GASTON: Bitch ur fat anyway.
Then LeFou makes shit worse by calling Belle’s dad crazy, probably as some kind of a distraction from his own sexuality.
Now we meet Belle’s dad, who actually does seem kind of crazy. He’s building some kind of wooden steam car that honestly looks like a pile of shit. He announces that he’ll be dragging his his monstrous invention to a “convention” and then promptly gets himself, and his horse Felipe, lost in the damn woods because literally all the men in Belle’s life are fully incompetent.
Crazy-Ass Maurice: This can’t be right! Where have you taken us Felipe?
Felipe: Um I’m a fucking horse dude it’s not my job to know the directions.
Felipe then says “fuck this I’m not paid enough for this” and bolts, leaving Belle’s dad to be eaten by wolves. To avoid being eaten, Maurice breaks into The Beast’s castle and raises absolutely 0 red flags when all the appliances start talking to him and settling him into a nice seat by the fire. Because, again, men are fully incompetent. The Beast flips the fuck out when he sees Belle’s dad getting all pampered and shit.
Beast: You’re here to look at the hideous Beast!!!
Crazy-Ass Maurice: Chill dude I didn’t even know you were here.
Beast: See you in the dungeon bitch byeeeeeeeee!!!
Cut back to Belle, who is so disgusted by the fact that Gaston just planned a literal wedding without her that she makes like any woman who just got hit on by any gross guy at the club and runs the fuck into the woods, where she finds Felipe.
Belle: Felipe? Where is my dad? He’s too crazy to be out alone!
Felipe: Your dad was actually a huge dick to me so I bounced.
Belle arrives at The Beast’s castle, where Cogsworth is going off on Lumiere for being nice to Belle’s dad in the first place. All the servant appliances realize that Belle is there, and commence flipping the fuck out.
Lumiere: Shes the one! The girl to break the spell!
Cogsworth: Well let’s hold up just one second we literally know nothing about this person.
Belle finds her dad in The Beast’s dungeon, where The Beast promptly shows up. Belle is not at all bothered by The Beast’s presence, and is like “Have you seen the other dudes I deal with on a daily basis? This is nothing. Take me instead.”
The Beast, realizing that learning to love will probably be much easier with Belle than her dad, decides that’s a pretty good option, as long as she promises to stay forever (because that might be how long it takes for an attractive human woman to fall in love with an enormous horned cat).
And so Belle and The Beast’s romance begins. Their Tinder convo would go something like…
The Beast: Hey girl, you wanna get dinner later?
Belle: Sorry. Not interested. You kidnapped my dad.
The Beast: YOU WILL JOIN ME FOR DINNER THAT’S NOT A REQUEST!!!!!!!
Cut back to Gaston, who is literally furious about Belle refusing his proposal and about two seconds away from starting a men’s rights group on Reddit.
LeFou then sings a whole song about how hot Gaston is, referencing his thick “neck” and the cleft in his chin and how “not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny” and how “nobody spits like Gaston” and a bunch of other things that we all now know were some pretty clear signs that LeFou wanted to be more than just Gaston’s gap-toothed sidekick.
The pride parade gets broken up by Crazy-Ass Maurice who tells everyone at the bar that The Beast has Belle. Gaston begins to form a plan, and LeFou goes home to do some deep Googling and consider moving to a less provincial, more liberal town where nobody knows him.
Cut back to Belle doing the very Disney thing of crying dramatically on the bed. Mrs. Potts and the wardrobe show up and Belle is like “omg thank god some fucking women. Can one of you tell me wtf is going on?”
Belle ghosts The Beast for dinner, sending him into a full fuckboy rage spiral.
The Beast: Dinner is ready!
Belle: I already told you I’m not interested.
The Beast: HAHAHA YOU THOUGHT I WAS INTERESTED IN YOU? LOL NO WAY WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA UR UGLY ANYWAY!! BLOCKED!!!
Belle waits a bit, and then sneaks out for some late night cold pizza and then “Be Our Guest” happens, and if every second of “Be Our Guest” isn’t already burned into your memory for all time then maybe go to the doctor because you might be dealing with a Still Alice type situation.
Belle is feeling better after eating and decides its time to break into The Beast’s bedroom and see what his fucking deal is.
The Beast: What are you doing in here? GET OUT! GO!
Belle: I mean, okay sure, I was only staying here because you kidnapped me anyway.
Felipe, who has apparently just been chilling at the castle the whole time, does what Felipe always does and rides their asses into a big old swarm of wolves. The Beast saves Belle from the wolves, but he still brings her back to his castle where she’s a literal captive so how “saved” is she really?
Cut to shady-ass Gaston and closeted LeFou talking to the owner of the insane asylum, who appears to be an actual corpse. We find out that Gaston’s big plan is to get Maurice thrown into the asylum unless she agrees to marry him. Gaston appears to not have noticed that Belle is like, not in town right now because she’s been kidnapped. He leaves LeFou to watch the house for Belle and contemplate whether or not the life he’s living now is really serving who he is inside.
Cut back to The Beast’s castle, where he and Belle are friends now. The Beast shows her his big-ass library, and Belle gets horny as hell. The Beast’s bullshit is working. They sing a song about it. The song includes a line “when we touched she didn’t shudder at my paw,” which is fucking horrible.
Things are going well, which is good because it’s almost the beast’s 21st birthday and he’s definitely not getting into any of the good bars in his current state. Like, homeboy looks nothing like his ID.
The servants now plan a romantic evening for the two of them, where they’ll be able to literally dance like nobody (except your enchanted servants) is watching. Belle appears in her signature yellow dress and a thousand years of halloween costumes are born. Everybody goes to bed happy in the certainty that the woman they’ve kidnapped is going to fuck their non-human master.
But of course, The Beast has caught feelings by now, and any time someone catches feelings is right about the time they fucking blow it. The Beast shows Belle her father and lo and behold, he’s right in the middle of a cough. This is enough for The Beast to release her. Belle GTFOs immediately, fully ruining The Beast’s 21st birthday plans.
Cogsworth: Where is Belle?
The Beast: I let her go. I love her.
Cogsworth: You selfish fuck this isn’t just about you!! What about all of us?!? Chip is a CHILD for gods sake!!!
Belle shows up at her father’s house and LeFou wakes up from daydreaming about a weekend on Fire Island to alert Gaston. The Insane Asylum man arrives pretty fast for an era in which there were no cellphones and Belle has to show them The Beast is real in order to save her dad from going to rehab.
Belle: My father isn’t crazy! Look! I can show you The Beast right here in this magic mirror!
Gaston: Wait, The Beast is real? We should definitely kill him!
Belle: Oh fuck…
The battle begins, and somehow a group of humans with guns are totally unable to beat an army of kitchen appliances with tomatoes. Lefou threatens to melt Lumiere, probably because he is jealous of Lumiere’s free wheeling and sexually liberated lifestyle, but ultimately there are no casualties.
Belle and motherfucking Felipe show up just in time to see Gaston and The Beast fighting in the rain on the roof. Gaston keeps screaming about how he’s going to kill The Beast and make Belle his wife, but then the beast comes back hard like “dude I am a mythical creature and you’re just a regular human, plus even if you kill me Belle will still say no to marrying you soooo….”
The Beast is about to kill Gaston, but then he sees Belle’s face and lets him go, which is a pretty bad move because Gaston straight-up stabs him and falls of the roof like a minute later.
Now Gaston is gone and The Beast is dying. Belle is finally rid of all these corny-ass dudes who have been bothering her. Unfortunately for feminism, Belle has actually caught feelings for her captor, and love is powerful enough to turn him hot again. Just in time for half-off shots.
Everyone is restored to their former hottness, and we know Belle is def really in love with The Beast because she doesn’t even leave him when she finds out he’s a ginger.
The movie ends with Chip, the only one of these people who will actually get to live a full life as a human, talking to his mom.
Chip: Will they live happily ever after mama?
Mrs. Potts: Of course they will, baby. This is fucking Disney.
Everything I am (which isn’t much, but let’s not get sidetracked) is a direct product of the 90s. Ah, yes, it was a simpler time then. Nobody questioned the life-size cardboard cutout of Nick Carter at my 9th birthday party, I never had a bad hair day—shouts out to butterfly clips—and I could stalk all my boyfriends with a simple *69 phone call. But the best part? Disney Princess movies. Take me back to the good old days of binge watching The Little Mermaid six consecutive times, taking breaks for water only when absolutely necessary. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the princesses. Maybe it’s because Hollywood was finally sick of torturing us and finally blessed us with the movie we’ve been waiting our whole lives for: a live action Beauty And The Beast. Or maybe Disney’s on my mind because I can’t stop thinking about the princess swimsuit line we were just hit with. I blame lingering daddy issues. Looking past that minor bump in the road, the Disney princesses’ style taught me everything I know about looking hot. I can only hope one day I’ll be hot enough to literally not talk/be asleep for my entire two-hour feature film and have a husband by the end. Preferably someone with royalty in the blood. And a fat inheritance. Also, over six feet. Idk, I’m not picky. Each princess has her strengths, and we know we couldn’t be here without help from all. So let’s celebrate the style lessons we learned from the Disney princesses.
Cinderella, OG betch princess we know and love, stressed the importance of staying home when your outfit is super average. What did Cindy do when all she had to wear were some last season rags? Not go to any balls, no matter how lit, that’s for sure! Her heels were custom-made, which is always a plus. And it’s super betchy that her feet were so small. The best lesson Cinderella taught us? When you’re hot, guys wanna hook up with you. But the trick to keeping it going is to leave something “accidentally” at his place. You mean to tell me that shoe slipped off? Respect.
I wish I looked so peaceful when I slept that people called me Sleeping Beauty, rather than what they actually call me, which is, “Is This Bitch All Right?”. I’ll pass out heavily intoxicated, half-naked, honestly not sure if I’ll see another morning. This bitch def gets a better night sleep than me, clocking in way over the recommended 8 hours. Beauty sleep is everything. That’s why she has no wrinkles. Science, bitch. I also read that she was Corinne’s direct mentor/ultimate inspiration. Two women we could all learn a thing or two from.
3. Snow White
Literally the hottest in the game, as declared by a talking mirror, Snow White definitely didn’t go for a natural look to claim that title. Betch would wear a red lip to breakfast. (Me after any night out.) But her makeup was always on point, proving you can never go wrong with a bold lip and a little blush.
Ariel kept herself in shape, knowing it’s always bikini season. In a fool-proof plan, she lets her bod do the talking and avoids saying something too clingy early on. Or saying something at all. Works like a charm. And you know that bitch wasn’t achieving such perfect hair with just a fucking fork—there had to have been some serious water-protecting serum action going on behind the scenes. Otherwise there’s no way she would have been such a hot ginger. Unlike others. See below.
Pass. Pass. Pass. No. Code Red. Literally. Does Scotland have any mirrors? I’m confused. I need you to deep condition, like, yesterday. Color in your brows and throw some mascara on, girl. Why do you look like an unraveled ball of yarn? Does everyone who plays archery look like this? Can you “play” archery? Tune in next week to find out.
Many say Belle’s gown inspired Beyoncé’s Lemonade. The yellow was a great move for her complexion, take notes. Also, major props to Belle for keeping up her personal appearance even when she was like locked in an old enchanted castle. Goes to show, you should always look good no matter where you are or who you’re being held against your will by. You just might run into, oh I don’t know, let’s say an old bae, or maybe a beast that will actually transform into a hot prince capable of
having sex with marrying you making you rich.
We need to collectively praise Jasmine once again for introducing the world to the crop top and bared midriff look. If my waist was approximately one-half the width of my boyfriend’s arm and my shoulders were more sculpted than Michelle Obama’s, I would want to wear as minimal clothing as possible, too.
Mulan literally threw away everything that made her hot, chopped off her hair and started dressing in her dad’s clothes. This is a no from me. I know, I know, there’s some deeper meaning here about going against society and bucking gender norms and shit, but now is not the time or the place to get into that. Like, this bitch got so upset looking at herself with makeup on that she went and sang a song about it. Like, what? You just got a free makeover and you’re mad about it?! 0 lessons from Mulan, bye.
I’d like to take this time and thank Pocahontas for teaching my young betchy self all about the free spirit look. While many falsely accredit Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for the rise of boho vibes, those people are forgetting it was first our girl Pocahontas who was running around bronzed, barefoot, and in lots of suede/fringe. Can anyone really prove if Coachella would be here today if it weren’t for Pocahontas? Didn’t think so.
Rapunzel teaches betches what many of us who’ve secretly been bleaching our hair have known for years: that having long, blonde hair will give you all the power you could ever want in life. Keep seeing your colorist and keep popping Biotin supplements/Sugar Bear hair gummies like they’re
candy Adderall. Unfortunately, Rapunzel cuts all her hair (and actual magical powers) off in favor of a gross, mousy brown pixie cut “for love” or some shit—demonstrating that while there are plenty of girls who let themselves go the second they enter in a new relationship, you should never be one of those girls.
Channel your inner princess this weekend for maximum hotness. Just as long as we avoid the bathing suits. Never the bathing suits. Still shook.
In a definitive ranking of Hollywood transformations, I’m putting Emma Watson at #2, right under Michael Jackson and right before Caitlyn Jenner. Change your race, change your gender, IDGAF, nothing hits me quite like a vintage Emma circa Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. When we first met Em, she was a try-hard who pissed the whole classroom off and acted super desp over a scrawny ginger I would’ve ghosted before we even met. Level of betchiness: Anne Hathaway and Taylor Swift’s love child.
Now she’s a real life princess and the literal embodiment of the concept of “beauty,” which was my actual dream career/theme of every birthday party I ever had until my mom sobered up and realized I was turning 13 and something should prob change. She’s also queen feminist and a UN Women Global Goodwill Ambassador. If you don’t know what that is exactly, know it’s important AF. Remember how “important” you felt when you ran your sorority’s Tumblr?? Multiply that by 8,000,000 and you might be halfway there.
If I knew exactly what Emma did to go from “No, I didn’t just get electrocuted” to now, I wouldn’t be texting my grandma taking her up on her blind date offer, now would I?? But I have noticed a couple important beauty tips we could all use to transform ourselves into more attractive people, much like The Beast at the end of Beauty and The Beast.
1. The Importance Of Keratin
Did Emma Watson have frizzy-ass hair because she played Hermione, or did Emma Watson play Hermione because she had frizzy-ass hair? We may never know, but what we do know is that once Emma tamed the mane (shout out to Keratin), we started playing by her rules. And since then, Emma’s rocked short, blonde spikes to long, dark longs. Along the way, she’s taught us that our hair can be our best accessory if you pay enough attention to it and keep things interesting. Sounds like me as a girlfriend—needy AF. Thanks for reminding America not to sleep on the pixie cut, Em.
2. Keep The Male:Female Ratio In Your Favor
Emma’s queen at rolling up with a (below-average looking) man on each arm. Not only does she automatically look way out of their leagues, arriving as the sole female eliminates possible competition from anyone else looking better than you. A strategy I plan to implement this coming weekend—stay tuned.
3. When In Doubt, Red Lip
A signature makeup trend of Emma’s is a bold yet classy red lip. The statement color dresses up any look, makes lips look fuller and brightens your whole face. Pair this look with neutral colors or a cap and gown—you know, if you’re also an Ivy League grad.
4. Knowledge Is Always A Good Look
Emma’s confidence, intelligence, and well-tailored pantsuits are what make her actual #goals. Like, sure, we all think #goals when we see Kendall Jenner casually sporting Victoria’s Secret Angel Wings in Paris, but let’s sit back and reflect on the fact that she can’t read. So who’s actually taking the bigger L here, Kendall or you and your glass of wine that turned into a bottle and a half? Emma, on the other hand, uses her platform to set a good example and make a difference. Girl power and shit.
5. Own Your Cleavage
We need to talk about all the sad, old men yelling at Emma for innocently showing some cleav at a Vanity Fair shoot. To everyone who’s saying she’s hypocritical and actually anti-feminist because she posed semi-topless, I practically wear that amount of clothing on a given Saturday night. I mean A) this is hardly scandalous in Vanity Fair terms (I’m STILL haunted from the pics of daughter Miley and daddy Billy Ray) and B) If you don’t think you can have tits and be feminist at the same time, than there’s a bigger issue going on here. Emma, if you’re up there, know you set an example for females everywhere and remind us of the importance in tasteful underboob. You recognize that cleavage can be a woman’s best friend, and you do so with class. Slay.
Basically, if you want to live your dream life, model it after Emma Watson. I mean, who else can go from playing a fugly beloved children’s character who reads books to playing a beautiful beloved children’s character who loves to read books within just the span of a decade? It’s truly inspiring. Like, for real. Can’t wait to see what Emma does next.