We’re in full summer mode rn which means that every girl with an Instagram is trying to out-slut be beachier than their friend with more followers. Unless you’re me and the thought of leaving your house to venture through a 90 degree wasteland Brooklyn and brave the J train for a beach that every human in New York is trying to get to too literally makes you want to jump into oncoming traffic. Then you’re just going to have to fake it. Like I do with most everything in my life. And the best way to fake living your best beach life is to perfect the beachy wave hair trend. Groundbreaking, I know.
And if you’re sitting there thinking “this is stupid, the beach is so fun. Just go outside and let the saltwater do it’s thing” then clearly you don’t understand what happens to me when I encounter Mother Nature.
Yeah. Shit’s not pretty, is it? So let’s move on from the idea of actually going outside and doing things. Unless there’s alcohol involved, then I’m on board. The good thing about beachy waves is that it takes minimal effort to complete the look. Like, less effort than the “u up” text your boyfriend Tinder hook-up/temporary lapse in judgment sent you last night. So you know I’m in. Anyways, here’s everything you need to know to get perfect beach waves without ever going outside. Let’s get started, shall we?
The other good thing about beachy waves is that you probs already have all the materials you need to accomplish this look, which is good because my lazy ass would have just disregarded the steps that included the products I didn’t have. I should add “problem solving” to my resume. So here’s what you need: sectioning clips (or a hair tie if you’re desperate), a lightweight mousse like OUAI Soft Mousse, a curling iron and/or wand, and a texturizing spray like Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast.
Apply a lightweight mousse to your wet hair and then let air dry. While you’re air-drying drink a glass of wine, watch a movie, call your boyfriend 20 times until he picks up and when he doesn’t start a new relationship on Bumble. Relax.
This is where those section clips and/or the hair tie you found on the floor comes in. There’s conflicting information about how exactly to section off your hair, some say to do it in thirds while others say to “section hair horizontally from the bottom to the top of your head” but tbh this all sounds like more work than I’m willing to put into this. I’m just gonna go with what feels right. Should be interesting.
Now it’s time to curl your hair. If you’re like me and your hair doesn’t do shit is straight or fine, use a .75-inch barrel to curl your hair. For curly hair use a 1.25-inch barrel and if you haven’t understood your hair type since middle school then use a one-inch barrel just to be safe. Now, twist your hair around the barrel. Make sure to leave the ends of your hair out for a more lived-in, I-am-so-fucking-nauti wave. Repeat this process but alternate curling the sections in different directions to create a messier texture. The front of your head is where you’re probs gonna fuck up the most. The key here is to curl your strands away from your face so as to highlight your best asset aka your face. I know it sounds like literal anarchy but your hair will actually look v v good by the end of all this.
The last step is to add in some extra texture so it looks less like you spent the day at home on your couch curling your hair and watching old episodes of The Office and more like you were out in the world actually living your life. Ew. Spray your roots and strands with a texturizing or volumizing spray and then finger comb through your hair to tousle the waves.
Congratulations, you now look like an off-brand Blake Lively—and all without leaving the confines of your home. It’s really the little things.
In addition to roasting under the sun,
creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.
This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.
1. Messy Waves
Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.
2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care
Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”
After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.
^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready
3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo
You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.
4. Loose Braid
I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.
5. Messy Bun
When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.
Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.