Okay, so… it’s time for us to talk about hats and the weird shit you guys have been doing with them at the beach. I’d like to start by saying that I totally get the hat thing. Your hair color is too expensive to expose it to the sun’s damaging rays for hours on end. Plus, hats are kind of fun to wear. I don’t know about you, but I always feel like a celeb hiding from paparazzi when I’m wearing one. (Except, LOL, I’d probably never shy away from a photo op.) But recently, a certain group of people who must not be named (social media influencers) have been totally ruining hats for the rest of us. It’s like you can’t even go to the beach or pool without a hat with dumb quote embroidered across it. These hats were ingeniously constructed by designers who want to trap young women into overpaying for a pile of straw in the hopes of breaking their personal Instagram likes record, but let me make one thing clear: Hats with cliché sayings are for girls who are too boring to come up with their own hilarious Instagram captions and have misattributed Marilyn Monroe quotes tattooed on their ribcages. Because I personally believe in each and every single one of you betches to come up with your own clever beach Insta (and not get tragic tattoos), I’ve compiled a list of hats that are socially acceptable to wear in public and/or on the internet.
1. Urban Outfitters Vanessa Straw Boater Hat
Those of us who feel legitimate physical discomfort when wearing a color other than black deeply understand that sometimes even a neutral-colored straw hat is just too much. To stay true to your all black everything mantra without going full-out beach goth, rock this black straw boater hat.
2. ASOS Oversized Straw Floppy Hat With Rose Gold Metallic Brim
This enormous floppy hat is a great way to tell people to get out of your face without actually having to make eye contact. Plus, it has a rose gold metallic brim, which is pretty
3. Merona Women’s Woven Baseball Hat
If classic beach hats aren’t your style, go for this woven baseball cap. Plus, it’s sold at Target, so you can also pick up 13 bottles of nail polish, gummy vitamins to fix a cuticle problem you didn’t know existed, and a new phone case while you’re at it.
4. Anthropologie Kelyn Canvas Visor
Visors can be pretty stupid most of the time, but if you absolutely must wear one, it should be this. The tie in the back will look like, sooo adorable with your flawless beach waves.
5. L.A. Hearts Washed Pink Dye Dad Hat
I can’t imagine why you would, but on the off chance you’d like to add a little color to your wardrobe, doing it with a hat is pretty easy. This dad cap is a perfect way to add a pop of pink to your beach look without seeming like you just got tarred and feathered in a Victoria’s Secret PINK store.
6. Topshop Straw Bandanna Fedora Hat
Fedoras are a slippery slope, but if you think you’re an interesting enough person to pull one off, then go for it. The bandana on this is very reminiscent of Audrina Patridge during her Justin Bobby phase, so just make sure you don’t get ditched by a homeboy in combat boots at the beach while you’re wearing it.
7. Express Pom Band Fedora
I actually can’t believe I found two fedoras that are socially acceptable to wear. I should totally like, write fashion articles for Betches, or something. Anyway, this hat is pretty cool, especially if you’re looking to pick sand out of a few stupid looking little pom poms after your beach trip.
8. Shop Betches Not A Morning Person Hat
Let everyone know that the only time you wake up early is on beach days with this Shop Betches hat. Remember how we talked shit about hats with dumb inspirational quotes? Well, this one’s different because it’s like, actually funny and not something you’d see taped up on a mood board. It’s faux suede so like, maybe don’t wear it in the water…not like you’d go swimming anyway.
I deal with stressful things in life like most rational people: procrastinate incessantly by doing other equally important things (shopping, thoroughly organizing my closet, eating takeout…etc.) and delaying until the last possible second. Then I wonder why my anxiety level is constantly that of Britney Spears’ 2007 meltdown. For example, this often happens with packing. Like, running a mile sounds better than packing for anything ever, even a vacation that I know will be fun. It is literally so annoying to plan out your outfits because no matter how hard you try not to, you end up packing enough clothes to last you 6 years, even when you’re only staying 3 days. Whether it’s for a tropical vacation or just spending the day at the beach, I know overpacking is almost as bad of a habit as binge drinking. To (slightly) condense your beach suitcase bag, here are cover-ups that you can easily throw over your swimsuit and also run to the closest happy hour in. Because time is money when two-for-one specials are involved.
I’ll only accept the fact that you don’t own a kimono by now if you were like, homeschooled or something. If you have yet to buy one, find a bright, fun-printed style like Camilla Open Front Cardi Carpe. If you’re feeling extra bold, keep your bikini top on or opt for a lacy bralette underneath, and pair with denim shorts or jeans.
2. Off-The-Shoulder Dress
Why wear pants to the beach (or at all, honestly) if you can just wear a dress? Wear a comfortable, loose-fitted one like Lush Stripe Off The Shoulder Dress, so that way, you can slip off your swimsuit when you’re ready to leave. If tan lines make you feel better about yourself, find a strapless dress so everyone can compliment your dramatic transformation.
Rompers are my go-to because nobody has the time to search for both a shirt and a pair of pants. Whether you laid outside or on a tanning bed recently, you can show off all your hard work by wearing white like this Topshop Jersey Wrap Cover Romper so that it’s bound to highlight your (faux) tan on a rooftop. I’d say don’t forget to pack a strapless bra, but it’s 2017 so no one really gives a shit whether you wear one or not anymore.
Even though it’s basically like wearing a sexualized child’s onesie, bodysuits are the easiest and most convenient thing to make a hot AF outfit ASAP. Find one like the Chase Me Down Plunging Bodysuit that comes with a strappy design and attached choker. Pair with dark jeans and your fave pumps—just don’t fucking forget that you need to unclasp before you break the seal.
5. Matching Set
It’s about time fashion companies came to the realization that we need everything already done for us because like, life is hard and I shouldn’t have to stress over whether my outfit matches too. It just leads to frustration aka settling on wearing all black. Get a matching set from Fashion Nova (a company celebs also buy from). This ivory La La Land Set can be worn together (fucking duh) or you can mix and match the items with other pieces in your closet. It’s cute and you’re getting two for the price of one so, get ready to buy multiples.