We’re in full summer mode rn which means that every girl with an Instagram is trying to out-slut be beachier than their friend with more followers. Unless you’re me and the thought of leaving your house to venture through a 90 degree wasteland Brooklyn and brave the J train for a beach that every human in New York is trying to get to too literally makes you want to jump into oncoming traffic. Then you’re just going to have to fake it. Like I do with most everything in my life. And the best way to fake living your best beach life is to perfect the beachy wave hair trend. Groundbreaking, I know.
And if you’re sitting there thinking “this is stupid, the beach is so fun. Just go outside and let the saltwater do it’s thing” then clearly you don’t understand what happens to me when I encounter Mother Nature.
Yeah. Shit’s not pretty, is it? So let’s move on from the idea of actually going outside and doing things. Unless there’s alcohol involved, then I’m on board. The good thing about beachy waves is that it takes minimal effort to complete the look. Like, less effort than the “u up” text your boyfriend Tinder hook-up/temporary lapse in judgment sent you last night. So you know I’m in. Anyways, here’s everything you need to know to get perfect beach waves without ever going outside. Let’s get started, shall we?
The other good thing about beachy waves is that you probs already have all the materials you need to accomplish this look, which is good because my lazy ass would have just disregarded the steps that included the products I didn’t have. I should add “problem solving” to my resume. So here’s what you need: sectioning clips (or a hair tie if you’re desperate), a lightweight mousse like OUAI Soft Mousse, a curling iron and/or wand, and a texturizing spray like Living Proof Full Dry Volume Blast.
Apply a lightweight mousse to your wet hair and then let air dry. While you’re air-drying drink a glass of wine, watch a movie, call your boyfriend 20 times until he picks up and when he doesn’t start a new relationship on Bumble. Relax.
This is where those section clips and/or the hair tie you found on the floor comes in. There’s conflicting information about how exactly to section off your hair, some say to do it in thirds while others say to “section hair horizontally from the bottom to the top of your head” but tbh this all sounds like more work than I’m willing to put into this. I’m just gonna go with what feels right. Should be interesting.
Now it’s time to curl your hair. If you’re like me and your hair doesn’t do shit is straight or fine, use a .75-inch barrel to curl your hair. For curly hair use a 1.25-inch barrel and if you haven’t understood your hair type since middle school then use a one-inch barrel just to be safe. Now, twist your hair around the barrel. Make sure to leave the ends of your hair out for a more lived-in, I-am-so-fucking-nauti wave. Repeat this process but alternate curling the sections in different directions to create a messier texture. The front of your head is where you’re probs gonna fuck up the most. The key here is to curl your strands away from your face so as to highlight your best asset aka your face. I know it sounds like literal anarchy but your hair will actually look v v good by the end of all this.
The last step is to add in some extra texture so it looks less like you spent the day at home on your couch curling your hair and watching old episodes of The Office and more like you were out in the world actually living your life. Ew. Spray your roots and strands with a texturizing or volumizing spray and then finger comb through your hair to tousle the waves.
Congratulations, you now look like an off-brand Blake Lively—and all without leaving the confines of your home. It’s really the little things.
Now that Pretty Little Liars is officially over (right, Marlene King? Because I can’t take one more sets of fucking twins) there’s not much I have to live for these days. Like, do you expect me to stop wasting my youth watching 30-year-old high schoolers get psychologically tortured by a deranged Regina George wannabe and, like, actually live my life? That’s asking a lot of me. But I’m doing this new thing where I try to work on my personal growth so I guess it’s time to obsess over something else in life. Like makeup. And slowly going into credit card debt. Lol this will be fun. So here are eight beauty products that just launched and will help you live your best Instagram life this summer. You’re welcome.
1. Urban Decay Naked Heat
Urban Decay just dropped a new version of its cult-favorite basic bitch-endorsed Naked Palette, and it is the reason my rent check was late last month because priorities. The new launch includes 12 warm red-toned shades that I was SURE would make me look hideous but in fact make me look flawless like a very unknown celeb on a good beauty day.
2. Drybar Detox Whipped Dry Shampoo Foam
This product is the key to making you look less hungover at work like you don’t drink on days that end in Y. It’s a mousse, which I’m always skeptical about because usually when I wear mousse products I look less like an Herbal Essences model and more like I have dandruff. But this stuff is the real deal because it absorbs oil and doesn’t leave behind any of that powdery shit. I guess we really can have it all. Plus it gives off Drybar’s signature Blanc scent, so instead of your hair smelling like bars and fuckboys it’ll smell more like vanilla and cupcakes.
3. Milk Makeup Blur Spray
This product might be the best thing to happen to me since Seamless fucked up my order that one time and gave me extra egg rolls. Seriously, that was the gift that kept on giving. Anyway, the Milk Makeup Blur Spray is a setting spray that acts like an Instagram filter in that it makes you look like a better, more airbrushed version of yourself. Furthermore, it gives your complexion a soft-focus finish so no one will be able to see the “real” you underneath all the makeup. Blessings.
4. KKW Beauty Contour Kit
So earlier this month Kim Kardashian West broke the internet with something other than soft-core porn a super classy nude photo shoot. Shocking, I know. Kimmy launched the KKW contour kits, which I will be buying for a number of reasons but mostly because of the pure shade that went into launching a makeup line that’s in direct competition with her younger—and most fame thirsty—sister. Never change, Kim. Other than being an avid supporter of shade throwers, I’ve also always wanted to look like a Kardashian but since the only thing I have on call is the Domino’s guy and not a reputable plastic surgeon I guess I’ll have to settle for this shit. Sighs. This product has been sold out since like, the minute it launched but I’m sure you could sell a liver on the black market or something in exchange for one. Though, if it’s a liver, I might be out. Unless they want one that’s been extensively partially used 3-5 days a week for the last six years? Anyways, best of luck to you!
5. Coconut Melting Tanning Balm
If you, like me, are horrified by your summer body because you a) do not remember what sunlight looks like as it’s been your personal life’s mission to rewatch all one million seven seasons of PLL in preparation for the finale or b) have used winter as an excuse to let yourself go in all aspects of the word, then this shit is about to save your life. It looks and smells just like a standard solidified coconut oil, but when you apply it to your skin, it makes you look glowy AF while also hydrating your skin. Similar to my Bumble profile, it will give off the illusion that you’re fun and outgoing and actually leave your house to do things outside by giving you super natural-looking tan skin. Tbh there’s not much more I can ask for in this life.
6. OUAI Rose Hair & Body Oil
Jen Atkin, a coveted member of the Kardashians’ beauty slaves team, just released this restorative hair product that’s about to be an essential part of your summer beach beauty plan. It’s silicone-free and includes oils that help multitask, like absinthium oil to help hydrate your hair, rose hip oil to heal scars and redness, and shea oil to moisturize dull, dry hair. Plus it smells like a fucking dream. Seriously, it’s advertised to smell like “you own a yacht” which is a literal dream of mine.
^a deleted scene from my dream
7. Too Faced Hangover Rx 3-in-1 Replenishing Primer and Setting Spray
We’ve talked about this one before, but that’s because it saves lives makes you look less hungover on Mondays. This product just came out in June and like its primer predecessor, it’s loaded with coconut water and antibiotics to add hydration and nourishment to your dehydrated af complexion. Praise. Plus it smells like a coconut dream, which will come in handy when you’re trying to disguise the fact that your downed vodka sodas like water last night and drunk called your ex.
8. Bare Minerals Statement Matte Liquid Lip Color in Fire
I know this summer is all about the nudes—lip color and otherwise—but if you’re looking for a pop of color, this product is about to be your go-to. The color itself is your classic red with an orange twist. Tbh if you told me last month that I Elle Woods would be supportive of an orange-colored beauty product I’d say you were seriously disturbed, but now I’ve changed my stance because this color is actually chic AF. And because it’s super pigmented you don’t have to layer it on for the color payoff, THANK GOD.
There are two kinds of girls in the world. Those who go to the beach and leave looking like Sara Paxton in Aquamarine and those who go to the beach and leave looking like a Survivor contestant who couldn’t make it past the first elimination. If you’re the second kind of girl, you’ll probably want to fill your beach bag with beauty products that will keep you looking decent. Here are a few you should probs invest in and thank me later for.
1. Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel Cream Broad Spectrum SPF 30
This shit is a BB cream, a CC cream and a tinted hydrating gel. I’d be lying if I told you that I knew the difference between any of those things. I’ve definitely been told at some point, but I’ve since forgotten so it can’t be that important, right? Anyway, this is perfect for when you need to be THAT bitch and wear makeup to the beach but don’t want anyone to notice. It actually helps hydrate your skin while covering your hangover blemishes and it protects you from the sun aka wrinkles.
2. Not Your Mother’s Beach Babe Sea Salt Texturizing Spray
I’ve been obsessed with this sea salt spray for years and if you haven’t tried it yet, you definitely should. Sure, I know this product is like the most basic thing ever, but there’s a reason it’s so popular. It’s kind of like when people talk about being a Beyoncé fan. Like, duh, we get it. Beyoncé is good, we all like her, stop acting like you’re the one who discovered her. They literally sell this sea salt spray at Target and Urban Outfitters, which just further proves how basic it is. But it’s a great way to get beachy looking hair without having to do something disgusting like put your head in the ocean.
3. LUSH Ocean Salt Face and Body Scrub
Isn’t it kind of weird that all of the stuff that dries out your skin at the beach is used in all of the products to fix that dry skin? Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. But for some reason, this LUSH scrub, which contains sea salt and VODKA is like, the greatest scrub ever. Seriously, it’s so good.
4. Benefit BADgal Waterproof Mascara
If you actually have enough energy to put on mascara before going to the beach, then like, power to you. Benefit BADgal is a must have in the makeup bags of betches everywhere, so obvi the waterproof version is going to pull through when you’re at the beach. (Or like, drunk crying or whatever.)
5. Mario Badescu Facial Spray with Aloe, Herbs and Rosewater
If your skin has a tendency to feel a little dry at the beach, just spray this on your face for a little refresher. Plus, it’s way more convenient than a lotion or something that will get sand stuck in it.
6. Sun Bum Sunscreen Lip Balm SPF 30
Unless you want to spend the next few days saying “no it’s not like, herpes or anything, my lips are just sunburned,” you better slap some SPF lip balm on your face before you fall asleep in the sun.
7. Garnier Whole Blends 5-in-1 Lightweight Spray
This spray literally saves my life every single morning. It’s a conditioner, a detangler and a protector, so it pretty much protects your hair against all of the awful things the beach will do to your hair.
If there’s anything a betch honestly gives a shit about (other than how many likes her selfie got), it’s definitely her hair. Even though you probably rely on horoscopes to help you make life changing decisions, chances are your goldilocks won’t ever go near a pair of scissors. Rain or shine, depending on the persona you want to take on for the day, you still
fry straighten the fuck out of it. If you’re like me, you know walking in the rain without hair coverage is like, a sin. If you forget your umbrella, you take the jacket off your fucking back to cover it. Yes, sometimes you need to sacrifice getting hypothermia if it means your hair still looks good.
In the summer, you want to be able to show it off when the top of your BMW is down or when you’re laying out by the pool. But, just like we often forget to like, prevent ourselves from getting skin cancer, we also forget that the hair we invest hundreds of dollars in needs some TLC too. Here’s how to protect your newly done balayage and prevent your hair from looking like straw for the next 3 months.
1. Nourish With Hair Oil
Your first takeaway: Put that obnoxious sun hat you only bought for poolside pics to good use and avoid parting your hair. This prevents godawful scalp sunburn and drying your hair out. Make sure to get a hair oil like Reverie Ever Recovery Hair Oil to rub on the ends of your hair. It prevents fugly split ends, protects your hair color, and adds shine.
2. Apply Serum
If you find that this is a recurring issue for you, I promise there’s a cure. For fried hair—not people sitting on you. Sorry, that comes with public transportation.
Use Vernon Francois Lightweight Styling Serum before, during, and after being on the beach all day. It will maintain your hair’s natural texture and protect from heat damage so you won’t look like you got electrocuted. After a shower, instead of towel-drying your hair like a psycho, opt for a towel, like Aquis Lissa Luxe Hair Towel, with fabric that doesn’t create friction.
3. Use Hair Creams With UV Filters
Find a cream with a formula like Sachajuan Hair In The Sun that protects your hair with a UV filter. This will lock in your recent highlights and keep them from turning like, white when the original color was probably caramel. If you plan on styling your hair, you can use this as a hydrating styling cream too. It’s a 2-In-1 aka win-win.
4. Wash With A Hydrating Shampoo
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by chlorine. That shit makes your scalp itch, has your hair feeling like dry spaghetti, and turns it green. Like, I didn’t ask for this. How fucking rude. If you must swim in a
piss pool, use a shampoo like IGK Hot Girls Hydrating Shampoo. It serves as a heat and pollution protectant and deep conditions so it brings some life back into your limp hair.
5. Add Leave-In Conditioner, Then Add Some More
Use leave-in conditioner religiously over these next few months. A styler such as Phyto Phytokératine Extrême Exceptional Cream is a keratin that basically is like, the holy grail for your hair. You can add this throughout the day and before applying heat to ensure shine, moisture, and strength for major #HairGoals.
6. Detangle. Everything.
Swimming tangles your hair so much that you may contemplate on chopping it off entirely. When you’re finished being rightfully dramatic, use Bed Head Beach Freak Moisturizing Detangler Spray throughout your hair so your brush doesn’t break in half when you try to get the knots out. For extra protection, get a detangling wet brush with gentle bristles to smoothly glide through your wet hair.
In addition to roasting under the sun,
creepily eyeing flirting with the hot lifeguard, and day drinking for no reason other than the fact that the sun is out and it’s summer (duh), the beach provides an endless amount of glorious benefits. That’s why when people say they don’t like the beach for no good reason whatsoever, I usually just delete their number and refuse to associate myself with them ever again. Either you’re socially awkward or you think you’re Edward Cullen, you vampire freak. Moving on. One of my fave, yet severely underrated, perks is how sexual the ocean makes my hair look after I’m done swimming like a fish gasping for air magical mermaid. It’s like I can come to the beach on my fourth second unwashed hair day and no one would ever know because my hair suddenly looks full of life (for once) and has waves for days.
This becomes really convenient because on most days I’m drinking at the beach and I naturally lose track of how Lime-A-Ritas I’ve had. By the time I’m pretty drunk, I somehow convince myself and the two friends that actually put up with my shit that we should definitely go out to a bar after we’re tan (and drunk) enough to tell everyone we just came back from Turks and Caicos. Since I usually take forever and a day getting ready when I’m sober, it’s like a whole different story when I’m basically doing my hair and makeup with one eye open and one-half of my usual levels of hand-eye coordination.
Swimming in the ocean can make your hair look great and all, but if you’re crunched for time (or get too drunk like I usually do), styling your hair after the beach can be an issue when you still want to pull off an Herbal Essence commercial-worthy look while putting in the least amount of effort possible. Whether it’s just adding texture spray, throwing it up in a high ponytail, or simply leaving it wet after the shower, here are some hairstyles you can easily (and drunkenly) take straight from the beach to the bar.
1. Messy Waves
Like I mentioned, chances are the ocean was feeling pretty generous and gave you some salt water goodness, so your hair probably already has this look down pat. However, too much salt water can dry your hair out and leave you looking like Medusa, so scrunch your hair and use a texturizing spray like Reverie’s MARE Mediterranean Sea Mist to restore strength while maintaining the look you love.
2. Wet Hair, Don’t Care
Thank you, Kim, for blessing us once again with your trendy ways and making it socially acceptable to step out in public with wet hair. Otherwise there’s no way in hell anyone would ever let it slide. Imagine? “You just got out of the shower? That’s hot.” More like, “You just got out of the shower? Are you having a midlife crisis showing up here like that?”
After you’re done channeling your inner Bey during your shower, add some Kendra Professional Platinum Revive Oil—the same oil Kim used (assuming it’s good because like, Kim)—as a finishing touch.
^What I probs look like in the shower aka why I take 100 years to get ready
3. Own That Ponytail, Work That Updo
You can never go wrong with a fucking ponytail. Feel free to leave in loose waves for a beachy look or make it a high pony because your hair looks sexy pushed back. Spray on some hairspray, and off to tequila sunrises you go.
4. Loose Braid
I mean, clearly, we can’t all be Blake Lively no matter how many times we wish for it on our birthdays. It’s just not going to happen. The closest we’ll ever get is *attempting* to do a braid that looks as chic as this. If you’re like, creative, I guess (because a regular braid is good enough for me), opt for a loose fishtail braid with pieces of your hair framing your face. In a top 5, a braid is probably number one for the best summer hairstyle. It takes seconds to do and your hair is already pulled back from your face in case too many shots send you running for the bathroom.
5. Messy Bun
When all else fails and your fucking hair just isn’t cooperating with you, which happens to me 9/10 times, throw it up a messy bun and call it a day. After a few drinks, you won’t even care and let’s be real, it’ll probably get ruined anyway.
Now, go chug vodka because this was probably way more stressful than it was supposed to be. As fucking usual.