On Sunday evening, Fergie hit the high note heard around the world, and to put it nicely almost everyone wished they were hearing impaired. Fergie got the message that her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the NBA All-Star game was indeed not Fergalicious. It was actually atrocious. It was so bad that she actually had to apologize. Like she couldn’t just quietly take the L. She had to Hillary-Clinton-style make a concession speech.
She not only apologized but made herself incredibly vulnerable. “I love this country and honestly tried my best,” she told TMZ. Fergie sounds like me going up to a professor in college trying to raise my grade. Like, I actually think physics is incredibly interesting and I tried really hard so could you make participation worth 200% of my grade and just ignore how well I actually did on any of the assignments?
Fergie also let TMZ know that she is a “risk taker, artistically” and that’s a very beautiful way of saying she is a bad singer. I am technically a risk taker when it comes to healthy eating in that I don’t eat very healthy at all. But because Fergie and I have the gumption to admit these things you must respect us. Thank you and no more questions at this time.
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Unless you’ve been living under a pop culture-less rock for the past three weeks, you’ve been watching The Bachelorette and you know by now that Rachel Lindsay is hands-down the betchiest Bachelorette of all time. Sorry, Jojo and Kaitlyn. You’ve officially been voted off the betchy Bachelorette island. Rachel tells fuckboys to GTFO, she’s hot af, and she actually managed to pull some cool celebs to make appearances instead of the usual forced Jimmy Kimmel date. A little confused why she’s keeping the tickle monster around, but like, we’re giving her the benefit of the doubt/blaming the producers for that shit. And like all true betches, Rach (can I call you Rach?) has cool, successful exes from her past and not just like the prom king, but basketball star Kevin Durant.
If you’re like me, you’re probs sitting there thinking who tf is that? Isn’t he that short loud comedian in those Ride Along movies? And the answer is no. That’s Kevin Hart. After some Googling, I found that Kevin Durant is a really really ridiculously good basketball player. Like, about to beat Lebron (who I’ve heard of, thank you very much) in the NBA finals good. He and Rach dated in college until she dumped him for law school. So like, she’s Warner and he’s Elle Woods in this scenario. YASSS queen.
If this teaches you anything, it’s this: don’t let no man stand in your way of becoming a lawyer only to toss it away for a life of reality TV stardom and hair vitamin gummy Instagram ads. Apparently, they were pretty serious too, until ya know, they weren’t. Sucks. But now, when your bf forces you to watch basketball, you can at least tie it back to reality TV and make it semi-interesting. You’re welcome in advance.
