Today, I bring you the Instagram account you never knew you needed to hate (you still following me?). Barbie Style is run by Mattel and posts as if Barbie was Eva Chen. The account has been around since 2014, but as of Monday, it hit a milestone two million followers. Let that sink in. There are two million people following the journey of a plastic figurine. Just to make matters worse, REAL HUMANS literally comment sh*t like “obsessed with you” and “omg that jacket is stuunnniiinnnnggg” on her photos. DO YOU THINK SHE READS THEM?
To sum it up really quick: Barbie Style reflects the worst that society has to offer. If this is her attempt at acting like a (slightly above) average millennial woman, I feel like the majority of us are pond scum. So, without further ado, let’s mock the sh*t out of a plastic doll which in turn, satirically mirrors the dumpster fire that has become our society. Now that’s f*cking meta. *hits blunt*
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Lolololol Barbie, you took a page out of Khloé Kardashian’s book of bad photoshopping. There’s a literal team at Mattel that works, day in and day out, on creating and posting content for this account, yet not one of them noticed that your lips are literally two different colors? But maybe this is Barbie just trying to be relatable, you know? Everyone has a pic on their Instagram that’s so obviously FaceTuned that you’re not sure what happened to their nose. Also, I’m sorry Barbie girl, you’re made out of LITERAL PLASTIC. What more is there you need to smooth?
Are you even surprised at this point that Barbie has an Insta with her birthday cake? And no, not just any cake—a Flour Shop cake. One that of course, when you cut into it, explodes with candy you obviously won’t eat—a fact that is only compounded if you are an actual inanimate object who doesn’t even have a functioning jaw and the aforementioned candy is actually beads. Can someone tell me if there’s a white girl on this planet who doesn’t have a full-fledged three-phone photoshoot with their overpriced cake? I mean, I had one so guess what, there’s probably not. I mean I’ll give her one thing, though, Barbie looks pretty f*cking good for 60. What fillers does she use?
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When you miss the taxi, but you got the shot. ? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle
Holy basic. The lob. The fake cab hail. The statement jacket. The Flatiron building. The bad meme-mimicking caption. It doesn’t get more tragically influencer than this. Oh, and her outfit is from Arielle Charnas’s SomethingNavy collection. There’s not much more to say, mostly because this picture has muted me with rage.
Okay Barbie, so you are officially the worst type of person. Way to literally f*cking insert yourself in someone else’s tragedy. There is nothing quite like the celebrity death post trend. Like OMG Rebecca tell me again about how much of an impact Kate Spade made on your life. And we get it, you knew Luke Perry before his days on Riverdale. But do you really need to make a four post slideshow about how heartbroken you are when all you really want to show is that you’re cultured enough to know who this person even is?
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I know everyone is listening to books these days, but I still love a hardcover. ? #barbie #barbiestyle
OMG this is actually so obnoxious, even for a doll. (Actually, I think it would only be worse if this caption were used on a real human’s Instagram.) Do you also like to comb your hair with tree branches because hair brushes are too mainstream? Do you have an IV of Kombucha running into your bloodstream? If you’re trying to be casual, how come your makeup is fully done? Why is there a professional photographer in your bedroom? Riddle me that, Barbie. Also, what kind of cruel being are you that you leave a perfectly good donut out in front of your dog? That’s just evil.
This is the most tragic “Galentine’s Day”. Who the f*ck celebrates single life and the power of female friendships with SALAD? Try five bottles of champagne between four girls and a sickening amount of Chinese food. Also, Barbie, don’t play the single role, we all know you have a literal man-toy made for your enjoyment. Not all of us are so fortunate. Count your blessings, idiot.
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Today, do something you’ve never done before, like ride a bike in New York City! ?? #NYC #barbie #barbiestyle
Ugh, Barbie is just your everyday girl being environmentally friendly, chill, and sporty, riding a bike through NYC! #Goals! For starters, I would like to point out that this is in fact, not how you sit on a bike, so clearly, she’s doing it for the ‘gram. You’re not fooling us, honey. As well, what New Yorker bikes around looking like THAT. New York bikers are either layered up to their eyeballs in the winter or half-naked come spring. And they’re for sure swearing at you. Also, seriously Barbie, no helmet? What a terrible example you are for young girls everywhere?? *sips wine out of Swell bottle*
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After a busy week I like to take a moment to reflect! ? #barbie #barbiestyle
Is it just me, or does this picture look like that Prince George stirring the pot meme? I feel like there’s some sort of underlying social commentary there, but besides that, the caption needs to stop. What in the f*ck are you reflecting on? I know on a Sunday the only thing I’m reflecting on is the damage I’ve done to my liver and whether or not my ex will file a restraining order after his 46 missed calls from me.
And to top it all off, Barbie is the girl who goes to the gym January first and has to post about it to prove to her high school friends that she’s legit skinny now and they can’t call her Round Ronda or Lardy Lisa anymore.
PS: Mattel, if you want some relatable Barbie content that’ll actually “speak” to millennials, this is the type of Barbie sh*t we’re looking for:
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Images: barbiestyle (9); bedlambarbie / Instagram
Today is International Women’s Day and just like every year, our corporate overlords will spend the entire day giving women lots of random things that aren’t equal pay. Fab. This year, Mattel (who you might remember from their starring role in “Teaching Young Girls To Feel Bad About Their Bodies” and their line of fuckboy Ken dolls) is showing us all that they’re woke now by releasing their own line of historical feminist Barbies. They’re calling it the “Shero” line, which sounds like a competition on RuPaul’s Drag Race, but whatever. On the one hand, as a history buff and low-key Barbie lover, I’m stoked. On the other hand, as a bitch and Betches’ preeminent doll roaster, I have to throw shade. To be clear: we’re not saying that any of the choices of ‘Shero’ Barbie are bad. These are all inspiring women who deserve to be immortalized in Barbie form. We’re just saying Mattel did them dirty by coming out with a wack ass doll with no pizzaz that nobody would be caught dead bringing to a playdate. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Note: Before we get started I should remind you that the gold standard for feminist-icons-turned-Barbies is Ava Duverney’s ‘Shero’ Barbie. It was released in 2015 and is literally perfect:
@AVAETC My hope for all the girls that get your Barbie???? pic.twitter.com/dhPmJUEWUq
— Lizy (@lizcriolla) December 6, 2015
The hair. The all-black ensemble. The director’s chair accessory. Perfection. Keep her in mind as we go through these:
11. Leyla Piedayesh – Designer & Entrepreneur
…..What in fuck all is this lady wearing? She looks like the beast when Mrs. Potts curls his hair. She looks like an off-duty pimp. She’s wearing the same outfit as The Mask. 90% sure Kenan wore this in the opening credits for All That. I’m shook. You’re shook. We’re all shook.
Zum #Weltfrauentag eine deutsche Modeschöpferin als Barbie: Mattel würdigt @_LalaBerlin-Gründerin Leyla Piedayesh als “Shero” https://t.co/xF3SMnkwgO #MoreRoleModels pic.twitter.com/LIpcLTnXui
— Lars Wienand (@LarsWienand) March 7, 2018
Is this what Mattel thinks curly hair looks like? Google Leyla Piedayesh. She’s just like, a regular looking lady with kind of curly hair and a flair for design. Nowhere on the internet could I find an image of her wearing the leftover suit from a 90s-era Diddy video.
10. Patty Jenkins – Director
Does this Barbie shop at Talbots? How much of this outfit is from Barbie Chicos? What is happening with the giant Dracula collar? I’m not saying Patty Jenkins doesn’t deserve a Barbie, but I am saying that this Barbie is boring as fuck.
Can’t express how totally mind blowing and delightful it is to have your childhood favorite resemble you!! Thank you @Barbie, for this incredible honor, and for celebrating all kinds of women, everywhere. What a great way to inspire the girls of tomorrow! pic.twitter.com/X5FteJQltn
— Patty Jenkins (@PattyJenks) March 6, 2018
Apart from the camera, this Barbie could literally be anyone. She is wearing the basic bitch uniform of leggings & riding boots. This Barbie is as much Patty Jenkins as it is any girl from your high school who bought a nice camera once. Patty Jenkins directed Wonder Woman—could we not get like, a cool lasso accessory or a headband or some shit? A shield? A metal bra? Anything?
9. Vicky Martín Berrocal – Fashion Designer
What’s happening with the hair here? We’ve got a top knot, and then also a low pony? Who is doing this? Is Vicky Martin Berrocal doing this? I can find no evidence of this style anywhere on the internet.
Vicky Martín Berrocal, la única Barbie trabajadora española para Mattel en el 8-Mhttps://t.co/aQs6I3XzQU pic.twitter.com/nRtkUy5KFj
— Jaleos El Español (@Jaleos_EE) March 7, 2018
8. Hélène Darroze – Chef
This Barbie should have approximately 10,000 times the amount of accessories that it does. She should have a frying pan. She should have a tiny salt and pepper shaker you’re def going to lose. She should have a rat that sits on her shoulder and is the one who’s *actually* cooking the food.
Secondly—and I’m dead serious when I say this—any doll that is a chef and does not come with a chef’s hat is a travesty. IDGAF if she wears one in real life. This is Barbie making 101, people! Shameful.
7. Yuan Yuan Tan – Ballerina
Okay so this Barbie isn’t actually bad. She’s a ballerina. She has a cool outfit, etc…etc…but I have one problem with it that I just cannot get over and can’t believe the designers at Mattel didn’t see:
Yuan Yuan Tan is the Newest Ballet Barbie https://t.co/55UPJAso6S pic.twitter.com/CIYyuxdnA1
— Shannon Fable (@ShannonFable) March 7, 2018
This doll looks exactly like Ashley Iaconetti.
Like…is this world-renowned ballet dancer Yuan Yuan Tan? Or is it world renowned Bachelor virgin Ashley I? I don’t know. And it makes me very uncomfortable.
6. Bindi Irwin – Conservationist
This doll is cute and all, but like, way to play into stereotypes. This doll promotes the dangerous notion that all Australians wear khaki and hang out with koalas all day.
SeaWorld’s Official Ambassador Bindi Irwin has a doll made after her likeness. https://t.co/C0tlP8baoW#OpSeaWorld #Mattel #Barbie #internationalwomensday2018 #BindiIrwin #australiazoo #CruelandGreedyBrat pic.twitter.com/xJxdDzkK0w
— SeaWorld Shut Down (@seaworldisevil) March 7, 2018
Very damaging stuff.
5. Frida Kahlo – Painter
TBH I’m just surprised Frida wasn’t already a Barbie? Or at least Salma-Hayek-As-Frieda the Barbie. This Barbie’s lewk is great. I love the red flowers in her hair, the hoop earrings, and the necklace that appears to be a rope.
Barbie celebra el Día de la Mujer con Frida Khalo y más role models https://t.co/52vhZJyyjn pic.twitter.com/kYz50dWH1t
— Sofía Rodríguez (@SofiaRdA) March 7, 2018
But I can’t get over the fact that she doesn’t have a unibrow. That’s Frida’s WHOLE. THING. You can’t just give your Frida doll Cara Delevingne brows and call it a day. If Frida included the unibrow in her own self portraits, you can include it in your Barbie. End of story.
4. Amelia Earhart- Pilot
Again, surprised by the fact that this wasn’t already a Barbie, but okay. I guess my only issue with this Barbie is that it’s almost TOO obvious a choice. Why not throw in a Countess Luann or something to keep us guessing?
#3: Barbie Inspiring Women Series Amelia Earhart Fashion Dolls https://t.co/jD8RSMhrtb
— Maruko Dang (@marukodang) March 7, 2018
Also how do we feel about the cut of these pants? I feel not great.
3. Katherine Johnson – NASA Scientist
Katherine Johnson is literally the perfect candidate for a Barbie, especially one of the feminist Barbies. Historical—check. Trailblazer in her field—check. Black history icon—check. Played by Taraji P. Henson in Hidden Figures — check.
New Barbie dolls honor NASA’s Katherine Johnson pic.twitter.com/J4redgd0TA
— MoorInfo (@MoorInformation) March 7, 2018
Okay so that last one isn’t a criteria for all Barbies (then there would only be one Barbie), but I love this doll. She has flexible arms for all the math she’s gonna do, a cute 50s outfit, and cat eye glasses. She’s like the original Barbie, if the original Barbie was a NASA engineer and not just some random blonde in a bikini.
2. Chloe Kim – Olympic Snowboarder
Now THIS is Barbie, people! First of all, bold choice to pair an all-camo jumpsuit with a bright yellow snow jacket, and it is working. The hat will protect her hair from getting all fucked up the moment you touch her (Barbie’s fatal flaw), and the snowboard is the perfect accessory. You def might lose it right away, but her outfit is cool enough that it won’t matter too much when you do.
1. Nicola Adams – Boxer
Y.E.S. Wow. Okay. I now see that all those other feminist Barbies were just practice for this Barbie, the perfect Barbie. Every inch of her is perfection. The little gloves! The jacket! The gold detailing!
Proud to partner with @Barbie this #InternationalWomensDay to show girls – YOU CAN BE ANYTHING!#Ad pic.twitter.com/nMdT7jMK8L
— Nicola Adams (@NicolaAdamsOBE) March 6, 2018
This absolutely has to be the coolest Barbie ever produced, and it is definitely the first one rocking a mohawk and lines shaved down the side of her head. Also, based on this photo, her arms are bendable so you can put her in knockout mode and have her kick the shit out of all your cousin’s Barbies next time she comes over.