A romantic vacation sounds fab right about now, but as good as shamelessly loud hotel sex and day drinking are, the price of it all may be worse than your college debt. But fear not, I’ve done the boring af research and found a bunch of vacation spots that won’t empty your bank account … but maybe your boyfriend’s. These are the best places to travel with your SO on a budget.
1. Dominican Republic
All-inclusive resorts are like a temporary visit to paradise. Free booze. Free food. What more can you ask for? With a $99 price tag, you cannot get much better than that. There’s a minimum stay of three nights, but if you’re schlepping all the way to the Dominican, are you really gonna stay less than that? Just remember that the sun is way hotter there, so be v careful with your sunscreen. The last thing you want to do is pull a Lila from The Heartbreak Kid and be too sunburned post-beach to have sex. What do you call a romantic vacation if you don’t have sex? Marriage Boring.
2. Myrtle Beach
When I think of romantic getaways with bae, I think about From Here to Eternity and I’m all in. I know, I know. Another beach vacation. But when I said nothing could be better than a budget-friendly vacation at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican, I lied. Starting at just $44 a night, you’ll stay in a room with a king bed and a gorgeous ocean view. Although this vacay is not all-inclusive, the price is so cheap it justifies itself. Book ASAP and you can be on the beach and making out in the sand before you know it.
Warning: you will get sand in your vagina and it will take ages to get it out. I swear, sand is the herpes of your vacation — once you touch it, it NEVER goes away.
3. Killington, VT
The sex is always best when you’re relaxed. Honestly, stress wreaks havoc on your relationship. Have you ever heard of a husband being murdered by his wife at a spa? Didn’t think so. Ergo (my college profs are defs so proud rn) there is nothing more romantic than a spa getaway with your SO. $229 per person per night may sound a little pricey, but hear me out. A three-night stay at this spa includes all amenities, aka meals, yoga and fitness classes, access to multiple different hikes (if you are an active betch), and a massage! This is a vacation Meredith Blake would definitely enjoy more than her “new family bonding” camping trip. They also have a promo going on for $50 off every couple’s vacay. If you and bae are the outdoorsy type, this getaway is definitely for you.
4. Sebago Cabins State Park, NY
I swear this cabin in the woods will defs be more romantic than the horror movie of the same name. But then again, Chris Hemsworth was in that movie… Regardless, your SO will have to do. Depending on how bougie you want to be, your vacation in the woods of Harriman State Park (just an hour and a half outside of the city) can cost as little as $266 for the entire week. A full week of obnoxiously loud sex since no one is around to hear good ol’ fashion time with nature? Count me in.
5. Cruise To The Bahamas
The perfect opportunity for you and bae to recreate The Titanic, minus the whole drowning/freezing to death part. If you haven’t noticed already, Groupon is your friend for finding cheap vacations. For $199, you can go on a 2-night Bahamas cruise. Meals and booze included. Need I say more?
6. The Ultimate: Paris
Ending this list with a bang. What city is more romantic than Paris? For $599, you and bae can be in the City of Love for six days. All I have to say is “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” But all I ask is that you do not decide to propose on the top of the Eiffel tower. Unless you want to be the most clichéd couple, or risk her saying no.
Images: Giphy (6)
As we all know by now, Ja Rule is in a bit of legal trouble due to the fact that his “luxury music festival” turned out to be turned out to be more of a Lord of The Flies type situation wherein rich millennials were trapped on an island for days with no food or water. And as funny as it was to watch these influencers struggle to come to terms with the fact that they just paid $12k to live in a FEMA tent, we all knew that soon enough these privileged millennials would come home and do exactly what rich white people do best: sue the shit out of everyone involved.
Yesterday Ja Rule and Billy McFarland, the Fyre Festival “organizers” (can you be called an organizer if you failed to organize anything?) were slapped with a $100 million dollar lawsuit alleging the festival “fell dramatically short of even the most modest expectations.”
Way harsh, Tai! But also like, 100% fair and accurate.
So like, let’s say this lawsuit is successful—and it probably will be given the fact that the festival was advertised as a luxury weekend away with models and turned out to be a 48 hour nightmare with feral dogs—wtf is Ja Rule gonna do? Does he even have a million dollars at this point, let alone a HUNDRED million? I mean, how much did he get for that Hamilton Mixtape track? Will the Fyre Festival really be the end of Murder Inc?
Not necessarily! You, yes you, can help to save Ja Rule from bankruptcy, and by proxy allow Ashanti to work another day. And all it’ll take is $9.99 for a Spotify Premium subscription. Then all you have to do is listen to Ja Rule, and only Ja Rule, and he’ll collect the royalties.
Let’s break down just how much Ja Rule you’d have to listen to in order to pay off his legal fees. So, according to Spotify, artists make between $.006 and $.0084 every time a person streams one of their songs. Let’s assume that Ja is making the upper half of that, because he’s like, fairly famous. In order to earn him $100 million, you would have to:
1. Listen to “Mezmerize” 11,904,761,904 times.
For those of you not used to such large numbers, that’s eleven billion, nine hundred four million, seven hundred sixty one thousand, nine hundred and four times.
But if listening to the same song over one billion times isn’t your style, you could always…
2. Listen to his highest selling album, Pain Is Love, 744,047,619 times.
OR if you want to make sure you get all the good stuff (aka the stuff with Ashanti) you could always mix it up and…
3. Listen to all 17 of his singles 700,280,112 times.
OR, if you’ve got a low attention span and really love Ja Rule you could always:
4. Listen to Ja Rule’s entire discography 104,160,000 times.
So get listening guys! This is going to take 3 billion minutes to complete.
And just in case you’re not convinced that Ja Rule is just a patsy who lent his name and maybe a check to this festival and had no involvement in the actual planning of it because he was just roped into this mess—and is therefore extremely worthy of saving—look no further than the following gif for evidence:
SAVE JA. It’s on all of us. That is all.
If you have an Instagram, you’ve probably heard of the Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival organized by Ja Rule that promised “two transformative weekends” on a luxury island in the Bahamas that was “once owned by Pablo Escobar.” Tickets for the fest ranged anywhere from $4,000 to a $250k VIP package and attendees were promised private beaches, luxury accommodations, gourmet food, and live music from artists including Blink 182, Lil Yachty, and Migos.
Announced via a glam AF Insta video featuring Bella Hadid and Emily Ratajkowski and promoted by celebs like Kendall Jenner, the whole thing was supposed to be Coachella but for rich people. Because Coachella wasn’t all that already.
Only problem is, there was no festival. Maybe there was, at one time, plans to have a festival, but at some point between “announcing a luxury festival on Instagram and starting to take people’s money” and “actually throwing said festival” somebody dropped the ball. Hard. Like, the ball dropped so hard that it exploded into a thousand pieces creating a domino effect of ball droppings and now there are no balls, anywhere, ever, for the rest of time.
Let me explain:
The first wave of Fyre Festival attendees began to arrive on Thursday, and rather than arriving onto their own private molly island as promised, they arrived in what appears to be a FEMA Camp, with accommodations that are more “Syrian Refugee” than “Pablo Escobar.”
For “luxury accommodations” Fyre Fest attendees, who may or may not have paid over $12,000 for their ticket, arrived to this:
This is how Fyre Fest handles luggage. Just drop it out of a shipping container. At night. With no lights. #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/X5CdZRyJWo
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) April 28, 2017
Expectation Vs. Reality #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/RfOpbNEdH3
— BigKidProblems (@BigKidProblems) April 28, 2017
Stuck at #fyrefestival trying to leave for the last 8 hours. barley any food or water or security or electricity pic.twitter.com/jHPMnJw5gx
— Lamaan (@LamaanGallal) April 28, 2017
And, as far as gourmet food options go, the spread was a little more Duane Reade than Gordon Ramsey:
The dinner that @fyrefestival promised us was catered by Steven Starr is literally bread, cheese, and salad with dressing. #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/I8d0UlSNbd
— Tr3vor (@trev4president) April 28, 2017
A view of the luxury food court with some luxury school bus transportation at Fyre Festival. #fyre #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/XL3PtRw8q0
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) April 28, 2017
Oh, and the five star lineup? Well, like the concierge’s desk, they didn’t end up coming together:
This sums up Fyre Festival. #fyre #fyrefestival #fyrefest pic.twitter.com/x4xcFBL8Yg
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) April 28, 2017
So like…how tf did this happen? Was this all a ploy by Ja Rule now that his “Mezmerize” money finally ran out? Are rich white kids on Instagram just that stupid? (Yes.)
Honestly it’s unclear, but what is clear is that I am living for the play by play as those who fell for the festival fraud do everything they can to get off the island. Literally just read these subject lines:
@NearFutureEvent @mr_bones_rises These were the top 5 posts on the #fyrefestival subreddit a moment ago. pic.twitter.com/FrsEBfPqOq
— Rich Powell (@RichPowell_NRx) April 28, 2017
Hmm.. what is the deal with all these feral dogs? Honestly you almost feel bad for these people until you remember they spent $12k on a party they heard about on Kendall Jenner’s Instagram. Remember what your high school librarian always said? Check your fucking sources, kiddos.
Shit has gotten so bad at this point that the Bahamas Ministry of Tourism had to make a statement, basically saying the whole thing is Ja Rule’s fault:
“We are extremely disappointed in the way the events unfolded yesterday with the Fyre Festival. We offer a heartfelt apology to all who traveled to our country for this event. Tourism is our number one industry and it is our aim to deliver world-class experiences and events. Hundreds of visitors to Exuma were met with total disorganization and chaos. The organizers of Fyre recently asked the Ministry of Tourism for support for their private event. The Ministry of Tourism is not an official sponsor of Fyre Festival. Given the magnitude of this undertaking, the MOT lent its support as we do with all international events. We offered advice and assisted with communications with other government agencies. The event organizers assured us that all measures were taken to ensure a safe and successful event but clearly they did not have the capacity to execute an event of this scale. A team of Ministry of Tourism representatives is on the island to assist with the organization of a safe return of all Fyre Festival visitors. It is our hope that the Fyre Festival visitors would consider returning to the Islands Of The Bahamas in the future to truly experience all of our beauty.”
Damn. You know shit is fucked up when The Bahamian government has to get involved. Festivalgoers are now facing massive delays as they try to escape Ja Rule’s hell island, while the Fyre Festival official Twitter had this to say:
We’re currently working through the unexpected start to #FyreFestival. Thank u for bearing with us as we attempt to accommodate guest needs
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
Unexpected start? You mean no start because there literally was not a festival of any kind. We’ve got influencers living in Lord of The Flies and Fyre Festival is out here acting like someone forgot to respond to a few emails.
Due to unforeseen and extenuating circumstances, Fyre Festival has been fully postponed (con’t)
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
After assessing the situation this morning and looking at best options for our guests, we cannot move forward as we hoped we could (con’t)
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
At this time, we are working tirelessly to get flights scheduled and get all travelers home safely
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
Um yeah, if your festival ends with you “trying to get everyone home safely,” that’s a fucking problem. Also, “unforseen circumstances?” Really? Ya’ll didn’t forsee that if you failed to plan any festival of any kind that there would be an issue? The problem isn’t that the festival didn’t meet expectations. The problem is that there was no fucking festival in the first place and you sent a bunch of people to a Bahamian death camp with no food or water.
So I know what you’re thinking (apart from “holy fuck this is the most incredible story I’ve ever heard”), where’s Ja Rule? Surely he must be able to provide some insight into why the festival he’s been promoting for months was not, in fact, a festival of any kind.
Well, here’s the thing. Ja Rule is missing. I mean, not missing like call the police missing, but missing in that he hasn’t said shit about any of this. Radio silence. Anybody else feel like Ja Rule is halfway around the world with a fake passport, wig, and suitcase full of 18-year-old influencers’ hard earned brand money? How the fuck did this happen? Is Ja Rule a criminal mastermind?
Unclear. I think the only thing that is clear is what we’ve known all along: do not trust anything you see on Instagram.
