Apparently, it’s a thing to make bets on how long your friends’ relationships will last. Like, why not profit off your friends’ unhappiness? Some guys I know are weirdly good at making these bets. It made me start to wonder, what exactly are the signs your relationship won’t last?
You’d think they’d be obvious, but since girls keep missing them, it’s time for a little refresher. As much as you might wish otherwise, your relationship probably isn’t the exception to the rule. Sorry. So before you start picking out engagement rings, clue into these signs your relationship won’t last, and your “bae” might not be around for much longer.
1. You Started Dating Within Two Minutes Of Meeting
So you may argue that some relationships that start quickly don’t fail. You know, all that love at first sight, Romeo & Juliet stuff. That always works out oh so well, right? Wrong. So instead, let’s consider some possible scenarios.
1. Did you start dating because he was, like, really into you (as a whole entire person) or because you guys hadn’t slept together yet? You would think by 2018 that these medieval motivations would no longer be a thing, but boys are just as gross now as they were 1,000 years ago. Thank u, next.
2. Did you start dating because he was scared you’d start dating someone else? There’s nothing like a healthy dose of jealousy to make boys do irrational things. Maybe he wants to date you because he really likes you. But maybe he just wants to date you because five other guys like you too, and he wants to win and be the alpha male. (Again, boys are gross.)
3. Are you moving through relationship milestones too fast? A general rule of thumb: don’t tell someone you love them after you have known each other for a week. Don’t get engaged after dating for a month. Just because you think you’ve met your soulmate after a dance floor make-out doesn’t mean you’ll feel that way a month from now.
2. Your Life Goals Are Totally Different
In theory, opposites attract. But if you want to have a high-powered career and he’s still content getting stoned with the boys every night, you’re in very different stages of life. Just because someone is really f*cking attractive doesn’t make them your perfect match. That hot lax player in your Econ class may be fun to hook up with, but if you can’t hold a conversation now imagine, how freaking boring it would be to date him.
3. His Friends Suck
The Spice Girls weren’t wrong about dating someone’s friends when you date them (though their reunion tour is a different story). In the early stages, your boyfriend will spend a lot of time with your friends, so he better like them. And ditto for you.
If his friends suck, that’s kind of problematic. First of all, it will get annoying to hang out with a bunch of people you f*cking hate. Also, it gives you a clue to what he’s like when you’re not around. Are his friends all douchebags with the same sense of humor as a 12-year-old? Do they make crude comments about your friends or other women? Maybe not the most ideal guys, and hey, shocker, your boyfriend might not be either. “You are the company you keep” and all that sh*t.
On the flip side, if his friends don’t like you, that’s also bad news. Guys claim they don’t gossip as much as girls but TBH that does not seem true. If his friends are sh*t-talking you to him then a) bye, assholes and b) that’s a bad sign for your relationship.
4. The Relationship Is Unequal
Is one person super needy? Maybe it was flattering at first but it will get annoying when you can’t even hang out with your own friends. Either he needs to chill TF out or your relationship will fizzle once you eventually clue into the fact that losing all your friends for a rando boy is not worth it. Ever.
5. You’re Dating Out Of Convenience
Are both of you, like, really busy all the time? Maybe you have high-stress careers or you’re in training season for your sport and can’t go out anyway. So why not find yourself a stand-in soulmate? That’s really great…until one person decides they aren’t too busy to download Hinge and find someone they actually really like. Or until the other person realizes they were only a convenient option. Andddd now it’s messy.
If none of these signs fit you, then you’ll still probably break up eventually because most relationships end. Yeah, life sucks, and I’m cynical. Go buy yourself some hot chocolate and re-watch To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before for the twelfth time. Way more fun than dealing with some lame-ass boyfriend.
Images: Giphy (3)
A romantic vacation sounds fab right about now, but as good as shamelessly loud hotel sex and day drinking are, the price of it all may be worse than your college debt. But fear not, I’ve done the boring af research and found a bunch of vacation spots that won’t empty your bank account … but maybe your boyfriend’s. These are the best places to travel with your SO on a budget.
1. Dominican Republic
All-inclusive resorts are like a temporary visit to paradise. Free booze. Free food. What more can you ask for? With a $99 price tag, you cannot get much better than that. There’s a minimum stay of three nights, but if you’re schlepping all the way to the Dominican, are you really gonna stay less than that? Just remember that the sun is way hotter there, so be v careful with your sunscreen. The last thing you want to do is pull a Lila from The Heartbreak Kid and be too sunburned post-beach to have sex. What do you call a romantic vacation if you don’t have sex?
2. Myrtle Beach
When I think of romantic getaways with bae, I think about From Here to Eternity and I’m all in. I know, I know. Another beach vacation. But when I said nothing could be better than a budget-friendly vacation at an all-inclusive resort in the Dominican, I lied. Starting at just $44 a night, you’ll stay in a room with a king bed and a gorgeous ocean view. Although this vacay is not all-inclusive, the price is so cheap it justifies itself. Book ASAP and you can be on the beach and making out in the sand before you know it.
Warning: you will get sand in your vagina and it will take ages to get it out. I swear, sand is the herpes of your vacation — once you touch it, it NEVER goes away.
3. Killington, VT
The sex is always best when you’re relaxed. Honestly, stress wreaks havoc on your relationship. Have you ever heard of a husband being murdered by his wife at a spa? Didn’t think so. Ergo (my college profs are defs so proud rn) there is nothing more romantic than a spa getaway with your SO. $229 per person per night may sound a little pricey, but hear me out. A three-night stay at this spa includes all amenities, aka meals, yoga and fitness classes, access to multiple different hikes (if you are an active betch), and a massage! This is a vacation Meredith Blake would definitely enjoy more than her “new family bonding” camping trip. They also have a promo going on for $50 off every couple’s vacay. If you and bae are the outdoorsy type, this getaway is definitely for you.
4. Sebago Cabins State Park, NY
I swear this cabin in the woods will defs be more romantic than the horror movie of the same name. But then again, Chris Hemsworth was in that movie… Regardless, your SO will have to do. Depending on how bougie you want to be, your vacation in the woods of Harriman State Park (just an hour and a half outside of the city) can cost as little as $266 for the entire week. A full week of
obnoxiously loud sex since no one is around to hear good ol’ fashion time with nature? Count me in.
5. Cruise To The Bahamas
The perfect opportunity for you and bae to recreate The Titanic, minus the whole drowning/freezing to death part. If you haven’t noticed already, Groupon is your friend for finding cheap vacations. For $199, you can go on a 2-night Bahamas cruise. Meals and booze included. Need I say more?
6. The Ultimate: Paris
Ending this list with a bang. What city is more romantic than Paris? For $599, you and bae can be in the City of Love for six days. All I have to say is “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” But all I ask is that you do not decide to propose on the top of the Eiffel tower. Unless you want to be the most clichéd couple, or risk her saying no.
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Whether you’re into the guy you’re seeing or your mom’s just been pressuring you to settle down and give her grandkids, you’ve decided you’re actually going to date someone and do the whole relationship thing for once. Rather than going on a dating app or god forbid putting yourself out there, you’ve decided to go after the guy you’re already hooking up with. Just because you started as a late night hookup doesn’t mean you can’t transition to brunch date in a chill way. It doesn’t have to involve a serious talk and it definitely shouldn’t involve going through his Instagram DM’s. Here’s how to get him to boo you up without freaking him out.
1. Stop Responding To Late Night Hollers
They say dress for the job you want, but in your case, text for the relationship status you want. There’s nothing wrong with meeting up late at night if you’re both working late or if it “works with your schedule”, but be honest with yourself when it comes to hanging out drunk past 2am. If you’re actually compatible because you have crazy schedules, you can still enforce an initiate before 10pm rule. If he doesn’t text you before 10pm to make plans, he hasn’t thought about you before 10pm. He’s keeping you as a last resort.
If you think you might want to date him more traditionally, just stop responding to any late night texts no matter how bad you want to see him. If he texts you “where you at” at 11pm, just wait until the morning to respond. If you’re really chill, you’d wait until after 11am, so he knows you were out late and not in bed early. Keep your responses short and simple and let him offer to make a plan if he really wants to see you. For example, if he says “wanna come over and watch a movie” and it’s clearly a last minute booty call, text him back the next day “sorry I missed this. next time!” Skip the “let me know earlier” or “maybe if you make a plan” because he’ll just read it as bitter. If he’s not an idiot he’ll figure it out.
2. Don’t Play Games
Okay, you can play some games. But we’re talking about games where you leave Tinder open on your phone so he knows you’re not exclusive—don’t do that shit. If you act like he’s a fuckboy, he will gladly accept his fuckboy role. Aren’t men just the greatest?? Just because he hasn’t had the exclusive talk yet doesn’t mean you need to shove it in his face that you’re dating other people. You can say yes to other dates if you want to say yes to them, but don’t go out of your way to prove a point. Petty games leads to a petty relationship, but most often, no relationship at all.
3. Cook For Him
You’re already attracted to each other and he’s already hooking up with you, so show him what it might be like to date you during daylight hours. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t already do, but if there’s a breakfast you always make for yourself, make it for him when he stays over. Or if he hits you up after work, ask him if he wants to come over for the casual dinner you’re already making. Keep it casual and comfortable, as opposed to making a big deal out of a fancy meal you never even cook for yourself. Basically, the easier you make it for him to fit into your already chill life, the more likely he’ll just accept that you’re dating. Any extravagant effort to prove yourself is just going to make him wonder what you’re trying to cover up. Your fear of being alone, duh, but he doesn’t need to know that.
4. Don’t Offer To Meet Up Unless He Asks You
If you’re already out having a chill night with your friends and he hits you up, don’t invite him to come through unless he asks you to hang out. Unless you’re at the coolest party ever and you think he should be there, you should communicate that you’re chill enough to have your own life outside of a relationship/your booty call. He’s obviously interested in you if you’re hooking up, but most guys are afraid of relationships only because they don’t want to uproot their life just for another person. If you’re organically hanging out when you’re both free instead of dropping everything to run into each other’s arms, he’ll feel that your relationship (and your emotional state) is balanced enough to keep seeing you.
5. Be Honest About What You Want If It Comes Up
If he asks you what you’re looking for, be as honest as you can. Playing the chill girl card will only make him think you’re cool with just hooking up. If you are looking for a relationship in the long run, mention that. You don’t have to make it specific to him, but you can tell him you’re hoping to meet someone and date more seriously down the road if he asks you what you hope to get out of dating. If he’s really into you, he’ll want to lock it down before you find what you’re looking for somewhere else.
6. Watch A Show Together Or Share A Routine Only You Two Have
Sharing something together that’s not just your bodily fluids is a way to see if you two get along outside of sex. Start watching a show together or share a routine that’s unique to you, and I don’t just mean the 30 seconds of Netflix you put on right before he starts kissing your neck. That way when something that reminds him of the show (or your book club or whatever the fuck) comes up, he’ll think about you in a non-sexual way. It’s like classical conditioning and he’s the Pavlovian dog (see dad, my Bachelors degree in psychology totally paid off).