Being in quarantine means we have lots of time to read about things going wrong while we’re sitting inside, in our daytime pajamas, living through a sort of dystopian hellscape. Yes, I’m mostly referring to reading the news, but I’m also talking about crazy wedding stories. Remember a time when things other than our country/ecomony/healthcare system were falling apart? Good times. For real, we feel super horrible for any bride who’s had to cancel or even postpone her big day because of COVID-19. But, to find a little silver lining, at least you could cancel your big day and not end up as a crazy wedding story submission on our site. Even the ‘rona can’t take away entitled, outrageous, or ill-equipped brides, and for that, we are thankful.
Which brings us to today’s story, submitted to us by a reader at [email protected]. It’s a sordid tale of love, wood chips, goose sh*t, and people drunk on jungle juice. Sounds like a frat party—but unfortunately for all who witnessed this unholy matrimony, it’s not.
Setting The Scene
This story starts out like so many others: with a bride asking her BFF to be in her wedding. Yay! It always seems like it won’t be a big undertaking, but, it will be a big undertaking. It’s always a f*cking big undertaking. Our submitter writes:
“This was my best friend’s wedding. I get asked to be a bridesmaid. I tell her to take her time planning the wedding and not to rush, but she decides to rush anyway, despite not having any money.
A week before the wedding, bride finally decides to visit the outdoor ceremony venue, knowing months prior that there would also be a fair starting on that same street an hour after, so people could be setting up early, and parking would be hard to find. She said she was going barefoot in a park, near water, where geese frequent. She has a full-on meltdown about how she’s screwed, even though she should have known, having been to this park many times throughout her life, knowing it’s near water, etc. Her parents, meanwhile, were planning to flatten their backyard for the tented reception, and never got any responses, so never pursued it further, and didn’t get the ground flattened, therefore a tent couldn’t go up. At this point, one week out, they have no ceremony or reception venue. The neighbours then decide to save the day, and suggest the ceremony be on their front lawn, and the tent can go on their back lawn, which is flattened and all gravel. The bride also originally planned on having no dance floor, so people could just ‘dance with bare feet on the grass’.”
I don’t know if “rushing” means trying to plan a wedding in six months orrrrr trying to plan a wedding in 10 weeks. Those are two v different things.
BUT, despite rushing, a bride going to visit her venue only ONE WEEK before a wedding is absolutely f*cking insane. I must have visited my venue five or six times in the year that we planned our wedding. This makes me think that there was no actual “venue” planned and the bride was planning to just roll up to the park with an entire wedding reception in tow.
And then to have to rely on neighbors to save the day with a backyard gravel reception? This is shaping up to be a whole disaster. I am a little sad that the reception didn’t actually take place in the park where people would have been slipping and falling because of goose sh*t. Darn.
Going Downhill
Naturally, things are only going to get worse from the rushed backyard planning debacle.
“Now, it’s 3 days out, with forecasted rain for the wedding day and two days prior, with no back-up for the ceremony or cocktail hour. The ground is a mud pit, so while the bride goes to get her nails done, I help her father, who was planning to SINGLE-HANDEDLY shovel 2 truckloads of wood chips and spread them within the tented area. Now, they’re worried about splinters, so her father, the male neighbour and I build a dance floor out of scrap wood (which was actually very structurally sound, surprisingly). At this point, I was getting 3-4 hours of sleep per night, while the husband-to-be didn’t even know what time the wedding started at until the day prior.”
First off, jazz snaps for the groom-to-be not knowing what time his own wedding was starting. I think, you’ll find, that most grooms are in the same boat with that one. Also, of COURSE the gravel pit would fill with water and mud. Sounds like a good time and right up the alley for a bride who wanted to dance barefoot in the grass. I mean, let’s just dance barefoot in the mud at that point. It sounds GREAT.
Also, is this submitter a guy or a really strong betch? Like, I wouldn’t be caught dead shoveling f*cking wood chips or building a dance floor out of scrap wood. What the f*ck am I? A lumberjack? I have a communications degree, which makes me 100% useless at anything involving the outdoors (except drinking on towels).
The Big Day
Did you think things would improve from here? Like the clusterf*ck that is the current state of our country, this wedding only gets worse.
“The wedding day arrives. It’s still raining slightly, still have no back-up plans, I’m running around like crazy trying to help. It stops raining right before the ceremony, the bride is yelling at her controlling aunt who was trying to tell people when to walk down the aisle (incorrectly), and they get married. I help run cocktail hour, which involved pouring bottles of vodka in with Hawaiian Punch and iced tea, while the other bridesmaids drank. As the reception starts, the now-husband walks into the tent with the bride trailing behind, which makes for an awkward moment for everyone.”
There are way too many wrongs here for me to even comment on half of them, but can we all take a moment to appreciate the mixture of Hawaiian Punch and vodka being served during cocktail hour? Like, between that, the handmade dance floor, and a mud pit, this is shaping up to be a white trash triathlon. God bless America! Although, judging by the extra “u’s” in some of these words, I’m guessing this wedding took place somewhere fancy, like Canada or England. Good to know they can be just as trashy as us!
A Reception To Remember
Yikes. As you can imagine, the reception isn’t really any better than the wedding.
“Night goes on, the step-father to the groom keeps making shots, citing his previous youth experience of being a bartender. At some point, my boyfriend disappears, and I assume it’s to go to the bathroom, because they only brought 2 porta-potties for the 100 guest wedding, which were very small. One of the bridesmaids and her boyfriend have started fighting, after having drank all night, and it gets physical. She punches him in the face, he tries to stop her, she rips his shirt, and my boyfriend (who weighs probably 40lbs less than either of them) tries to keep the peace. The bride eventually finds out through the grapevine, and leaves for the night, also yelling and mad.”
Is a wedding even a wedding without a fist fight? I don’t know what to feel, except that, my God, I wish I’d been there. Also, only having two Port-a-Potties at a wedding where you’re serving actual jungle juice sounds like a recipe for someone (me) throwing up in some bushes.
If nothing else, we give jazz snaps to the submitter of this story. It made us all forget about quarantine for a hot sec, and, hopefully, made some of you postponed wedding kids feel a little better for a few minutes. Kisses.
Images: Volker Vornehm / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (4)
Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.
If you’ve ever attended a truly atrocious wedding, at least once the pain and suffering is over, you can walk away knowing that you have internet gold. Such was the case with one of our Betches readers, who went through the wedding from hell and then lived to tell us the tale, via our submissions inbox.
I truly feel sorry for any of the guests that attended this monstrosity, which was made even more incredible by the clear disregard for the 200+ people who attended. Let this be a lesson to any of you planning a wedding: It’s your day, but your guests should have a good time, too. Or at the very least, they should have actual plumbing. The bar is not that high here.
It Begins
Our brave reader (who requested to remain anonymous to protect the guilty) begins: “I was invited as a +1 to the most awful wedding I’ve ever been to, so I feel no shame in sh*tting all over it. So the wedding took place in Vermont on Lake Champlain, which really sounded lovely at first. The location was very remote with the closest hotels being not close at all with no transportation offered, so guests were encouraged to camp. I was none too pleased about that, but the invite touted ‘premium’ outdoor restrooms, shower facilities, and stations set up with electricity and mirrors under the wedding tent for ladies to use to get ready before the ceremony, so I thought this would be more of a glamping situation.”
It’s All In The Details
Here Comes The Bride And The Sh*tshow
“So come time for the ceremony—we all start cramming onto the stairs leading down to the dock, which holds like 20 people. People are precariously perched on the steep, slippery ground around the stairs. It’s raining, we’re standing, and of course there’s no cover for the guests. Someone slips and falls, because it’s raining and muddy and steep.
God knows how they chose the officiant, who I think was someone’s aunt. She talks for way too f*cking long, and at some point tactlessly dives into the story of how the bride and groom broke up for a while to f*ck other people, but they found their way back to each other. How romantic!
Finally time to drink! The reception was at least held under a big tent covered from the rain. There wasn’t a plated meal, but instead a food truck out front. Because we weren’t sitting down to dinner, there were about 50 chairs available for the 200+ guests, all packed like sardines into this tent trying to take shelter from the rain. Half the tent was taken up by the band’s stage—made up of some unpaid friend of the bride. We were allowed to choose up to 2 options from the food truck menu for dinner, all of which were toddler-sized portions. If we wanted more, we had to get back in line to order more and hope the food truck guy didn’t recognize you. I was smart enough to be literally first in line to get food (no f*cking shame), but other guests waited in line for over an hour, in the pouring rain, just to eat half a meal.”
Can you, for one minute, picture a bunch of wedding guests, trying to look nice, half of them in heels, standing on a set of slippery stairs and mud and slowly—ever so slowly—losing their balance and slipping? This image is giving me actual life. A tent for a wedding is like, no biggie, but to have your guests standing because you forgot or didn’t budget for chairs is absolutely atrocious. Someone call whoever’s in charge of the Geneva Convention. This wedding is akin to a war crime. Oh, and submitter? GOOD FOR YOU being first in line for food. As someone who prides herself on being extra petty 90% of the time, I can tell we’d be best friends.
Adding Insult To Injury
And if you thought this wedding could not get worse. I have news for you. It does!
“Towards the end of the night, they ran out of alcohol, surprising no one. I asked the bride’s mom if there was any water, and she told me they ran out of that too, at least managing to seem a little apologetic. I had to sneak into the house again and stick my face under the kitchen faucet. Luckily I had managed to get drunk enough to pass out in my sh*t-smelling tent.
The day after the wedding, they host a brunch under the same tent that is now covered in mud and sh*t. Someone (probably a random guest) did a water and beer run, thankfully. The groom comes outside and immediately grabs a beer just to demonstrate how he can now pop a bottle cap with his wedding ring. I honestly think that was his main motivation for getting married. We got the f*ck out of there. Obviously.
THEY RAN OUT OF ALCOHOL. Those are words that should absolutely NEVER be associated with any party, wedding, outing, or even a quiet night at home. Jesus Christ. And to be out of water? I’m pretty sure this couple should be reported to the f*cking FBI. Someone could have, in all seriousness, gotten really sick or just been extra hungover. Where is the decency here?! Who are these people??
Also—how could you stay for brunch after all of this? What was the brunch? Did someone hunt down some wild berries and shoot a deer on the front lawn of this horror house? If this couple is still married, I’d like to know. I’d additionally really like to know if the submitter is in therapy after putting herself through the absolute horror show that was this wedding. I have PTSD just from reading about it.
Images: Fallon Michael / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Whether you hate the wedding-industrial complex, are a bride planning a wedding and want to feel better about your own demands, or just need something to read, we’re doing a new series where we share the craziest, most out-of-touch wedding story we found on the internet that week. Submit your own crazy wedding stories to [email protected] with the subject line Crazy Wedding Story, and we just might feature yours. And make sure to follow @BetchesBrides on Instagram and subscribe to our podcast, Betches Brides.
This week’s wedding story is short on length, but long on insanity. It comes to us via submission from a wedding planner, Katie, who is truly doing the Lord’s work in wrangling insane brides and bridal parties, and then reporting back all the stupid sh*t they do.
The Set-Up
Let’s set the scene. We’re whisked away to magical Orange County, CA, for today’s ridiculous wedding story story. Katie says this was, in fact, a very high-end wedding—”they spent at least $70k on the event,” she revealed to us—but if there’s one thing I learned from this wedding story, it’s that Countess LuAnn was right, and money doesn’t buy you class. She added, “the wedding was even published on a well-known blog after the fact,” a fun fact that is going to become even more outrageous once you’ve read the full story. Katie’s email to us begins:
“I’m a wedding planner and have my fair share of crazy wedding stories, but this one is my favorite:
The bride showed up to the wedding about 5 minutes before the ceremony was set to start, double fisting a Bud Light and a Coors Light, clearly trashed. I came up to the bridal suite a few minutes later to get them lined up for the ceremony, and as I opened the door a bridesmaid handed me a flower vase full of warm pee, with a used tissue balanced on the edge.”
Wait, WHAT? First of all, the bride is double-fisting Bud Light and Coors Light. Is this a wedding or a f*cking pledge party? Where’s the champagne? The mimosas? At the very least, couldn’t they have been drinking spiked seltzer? All of those options feel classier and more wedding-appropriate than what I’m seeing here. But like, I guess the bigger problem is that the bride was wasted right before she was set to walk down the aisle, regardless of the beverage of choice that got her wasted.
Aside from the very questionable drink choices, why, oh why, did she choose to pee in a f*cking vase? There must be a legit explanation here, right? Well, there is… sort of, depending on your definition of “legit”.
Why, God, Why?
Katie continues:
“She explained that the bride didn’t want walk to the bathroom (which was very close, mind you) so she decided to pee in the vase. The bridesmaids shoved the vase into my hand without warning, hesitation or apology, and I was left standing there with my mouth open and a vase full of piss in hand while 10 bridesmaids waltzed past me down the aisle.
I still can’t get over that one 4 years later. And that poor bridesmaid, at least I was being paid that day.”
STOP. So, first of all, the bride literally couldn’t find it in her heart to walk to the f*cking bathroom? Wouldn’t squatting over a toilet have been easier than squatting over a vase? I’ve been to the doctor, and in my opinion, peeing into a small vessel is no easy feat. Was there a long line for the bathroom? Did the bride not think she could get her Spanx down in time? I literally have so many questions. Secondly, what did Katie DO with the vase of pee? I def would have said, “oh, no thank you” and put that sh*t down on the floor for someone else to deal with. I know you’re getting paid, but there’s a price for such things, and that price does not cover my dignity.
Also, now I really want to read the writeup of this wedding in the so-called “well-known blog”, just to compare the article with reality.
Remember back in June when Kylie Jenner hosted a Handmaid’s Tale themed birthday party for her good friend Stassie Karanikolaou and everyone was like, “wow what a bizarre and off-base interpretation of a show about female oppression?” Well, one Canadian couple saw that backlash and said, “hold our champagne.” A photo of newlyweds Kendra and Torsten’s (of course their names are Kendra and Torsten) Handmaid’s Tale-themed wedding is going viral, and not really for anything good. I have so many questions. Namely, have these two ever seen The Handmaid’s Tale?
Originally posted by wedding photography company Van Daele and Russell, the couple apparently went with the “dystopian oppression” theme for their photos because they’re from Cambridge, Ontario and the show is filmed in Cambridge, Ontario. But you know what else was filmed in Cambridge, Ontario? The Celine Dion biopic. Why not have a Celine Dion-themed wedding? That would be way more appropriate (and glamorous) than whatever the f*ck this is.
(Screenshot below because I have a feeling this won’t be up on Instagram for much longer.)
The problems with this wedding theme should be immediately obvious to anyone who has even heard of the show, but let’s break it down, shall we? First up, the setting of this photo is literally the “hanging wall” where women are murdere for infractions such as “being gay” and “gossiping at the grocery store.” Not really the fairytale ideal for kicking off your life as a married couple. Also it’s kind of a boring backdrop without all the blood and dead bodies. Just sayin’, if you’re gonna go “hanging wall” for your wedding photos, why not go all the way?
Second of all, the institution of marriage in Handmaid’s Tale is totally horrific. For those who don’t watch the show, men in Gilead are assigned a wife (presumably the bride here) and a handmaid (who I guess are the bridesmaids?). Every month there is a “ceremony” in which the wife holds down the handmaid while the husband has sex with her (also known as “rape”) in hopes of getting her pregnant. When the handmaid does get pregnant, the married couple then steals her baby and sends her away so she can never see the child again. This is the relationship they’re trying to evoke between the bride, groom, and bridesmaids in this picture. How romantic.
Now, I’m not saying fans can’t have any fun with Handmaid’s Tale. The show deals with some pretty intense themes, but ultimately it is still fiction and none of the horrors it depicts are real events or happening to real people, but for a wedding theme? That’s gonna be a no from me. Yes, handmaid costumes are now a pretty familiar site at protests, and there’s nothing wrong with popping on a red cloak and a hat for halloween, but dressing your bridal party up as rape victims feels like a bridge too far.
That said, now that this photo has been released, I need 1,000% more information about this wedding. How far did the Hadmaid’s Tale theme go? Was it just the photos, or did this extend to the entire wedding? Did guests say “Blessed be the fruit” upon arrival? Did they dress the wedding planner up as Aunt Lydia to keep people in line? Did the maid of honor have her clitoris removed? Was the ceremony…a Ceremony? Most importantly, did the entire event end with the bride looking directly to camera while Jackson 5 or some other early sixties bop plays in the background? Because if they are really fans of the show then they’ll know that is the only way to end anything to do with Handmaid’s Tale.
That said, if they used the series’ soundtrack as a guide, the dance floor was probably lit. If guests were even allowed to dance, that is.
Images: vandalaeandrussell / Instagram
You get engaged, and it’s all sunshine and Instagram likes for a few weeks. Then the terror will set in when you realize you’ve just become a one-woman party-planning committee for what will amount to a sh*t show in a nice venue with fancy clothes. Unless you’re planning on hiring someone to do the dirty work and heavy lifting for you, the majority of wedding planning—from dress to shoes to flowers to photographers to food—will be on you, sweetie. While, yes, parts of it can be totally super fun, there are a lot of dark things that’ll come out during this time. Here are a few things nobody tells you about wedding planning.
1. The Groom Really Won’t Care And, If He Does, You’ll Be Annoyed
At first, he’ll be all, “Baby, I wanna be an involved groom.” That’ll die off after about three months. Especially once you start asking him what he wants the boutonnieres to look like or what color napkins you should have for cocktail hour. You may also start pulling decision-making away from him after you ask him to choose groomsmen gifts and he decides he wants to buy the tuxes for each of his eight dudes and maybe throw some knives in for good measure. Or when you tell him to pick things out for the registry and you see he chose four different shovels, a drum set, and a lawnmower.
2. You Will Stop Caring, Then Start Re-Caring
You’ll probably hit this point during the font-picking process for your invitations. Or maybe during the centerpiece discussion. It doesn’t matter. You’ll have a moment where you’re all, “OH MY GOD IT’S JUST A BIG PARTY—WHO F*CKING CARES” and you’ll stop planning until you get 18 emails about flowers and payments then you have to jump back in.
3. Planning Blows Regardless Of Wedding Size
Whether you’re gearing up for a hipster Mecca at the local IPA factory or a Princess Diana themed affair in a cathedral, you’re still planning it. There will still be seating arrangements to configure, flowers to choose, timelines to create, and arguments over shoes. So don’t think that just because you’re planning a small garden party afternoon affair that you’ll have less to do than the b*tch that wants a 500-person shindig at the local country club. The suckiness of wedding planning does not discriminate, and is equally sh*tty for everyone. I guess that’s comforting?
4. You Will Cry
You may tear up over napkin colors. It may be when you realize you can’t afford the $30k flower bridge option. It could be when Daddy puts the kibosh on a 6-hour open bar, which, rude. Doesn’t matter—prepare to cry. A lot. Sometimes over nothing.
5. Everyone Will Have An Opinion
I think I was two months into planning when two close family members ganged up on me about how I was wearing my hair and makeup. “Why would you pay for makeup? My girls didn’t and it was fine. It won’t look like you.” “Don’t wear your hair down—it’ll be tacky and weird.” “You don’t need a veil.” “You’re spending too much money on an up-do.” “Buffets are gross.” “Can we have top-shelf vodka?” “I’m not coming if it’s not an open bar.” “Why didn’t you put dishes on your registry?” “I don’t want to wear that color dress.” You’ll have a meltdown and will likely give in to at least some of the critiques. Or you’ll cry-scream at your mom and get drunk alone while sobbing through Pinterest pages because no one understands your vision. Speaking hypothetically of course…
6. You Can’t Escape, Even In Your Dreams
Prepare to wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that either no one came to your wedding or all the flowers were carnations or that your bridesmaids wore the wrong shoes (after you explicitly told them where to buy the ones you wanted them to wear) or that your photographer forgot to take pictures. I speak from experience. This sh*t will consume you.
7. Adios, Money
Unless mommy and daddy are footing the entire wedding bill, chances are you’ll be paying for sh*t right up until the “I do’s.” Even if your parents are paying for the venue and wedding itself, you’ll probably end up buying bridesmaid gifts, last-minute umbrellas (don’t get me started), shoes, honeymoon outfits, favors, etc. After the wedding, though, you’ll be like, “OMG, where’d all this cash come from?” so that’s something.
8. Music Is A Nightmare
First, you’ll go back and forth over band vs. DJ (really, whether you want a wedding singer trying to hit the big times when their rendition of “FAME” or a cheese d*ck DJ from Long Island called DJ Spinzz whose go-to line is “ALRIGHT PARTY PEOPLE”). Once that’s settled, prepare for the discussions about the ceremony music and cocktail hour music. Will there be violins during the actual nuptials? How about a booming pipe organ because there’s no other f*cking option in the cathedral? Oh, then prepare for your parents to try and “help” by creating the playlist for cocktail hour because, like “well you’re not even going to be here for it” and then having to gently explain to them that two hours of show tunes and Bruce Springsteen are not the atmosphere you’re going for.
9. Things Will Go Wrong
…and you won’t care. Honestly, on your wedding day, your limo driver may make a wrong turn after you told him EXACTLY where you wanted pictures done. Your florist may show up way too early with flowers. Your bridesmaid’s dress may rip right down the back during pictures. Someone could throw up on the floor at your venue. All these things happened at my wedding, and I didn’t care. You’ll be so caught up in the whirlwind of the day that little sh*t won’t matter.
10. You Won’t Know How To Spend Your Time Afterwards
Once the day has passed and the planning is over, you literally won’t know what to do with all your free time. You may even feel kind of sad that you don’t have dresses and flowers and open bars taking up all your time anymore. We suggest yoga and day drinking.
Images: Sweet Cream Photography / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
I don’t know about you, but I love trashy weddings. They make me feel so much better about being single. I get to sit on the sidelines, laughing at how f*cked those marriages are from the get-go. Is that “healthy” and “emotionally intelligent”’of me? No, but you’re not my shrink and she and I have a whole boatload of other issues of mine to tackle before we address why I shame people for their doomed relationships. Anyway, here are some of the trashiest celebrity weddings of all time. And fun fact: more than half of these weddings also have leaked sex tapes. Not really material to the article, I just thought it was an interesting correlation.
1. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
Britney famously got married in Las Vegas to some high school friend of hers, and she somehow managed to get trashier than that at her next wedding. How, you wonder? She married Kevin Federline. Between the pregnant baby mama he had on the side when he first met Brit and the way-too-hasty of a courtship, this couple was fated to have a trashy wedding. The bride and groom parties each had their own Juicy Couture sweatsuits custom made for them. Sure, they were as cool at the time as those one piece bachelorette party swimsuits from Private Party are now, but trust us, it gets worse.
Britney’s bridal squad’s suits were baby pink and encrusted with diamonds, while she donned an all-white tube top tracksuit that looked as low-rent as her wedding dress. Kevin and his party wore Juicy Couture sweatsuits as well, but they had “PIMP” embroidered on the back. Except for Kevin’s dad—he had “PIMP DADDY” on his. Oh, and the worst part? This was a surprise wedding. Britney and Kevin invited heir guests under the guise that they were attending an engagement party and the invitees were probably like, “oh, we’ll go because we know they’ll never make it to the altar.” But it turns out they were actually AT the wedding itself, so they were probably so caught off guard no one could scream “I object!”
Maybe I’m being overdramatic (okay, I’m always being overdramatic), but Britney’s first wedding at Las Vegas’ Little White Chapel is looking like some Nicholas Sparks-level sh*t compared to this shindig.
2. Scheana Marie and Mike Shay
How can we forget when Scheana wanted to put the “ass” in class and insisted on having a wedding dress that she could twerk in for her first dance with her husband? What an iconic cultural touchstone. Scheana is also the only girl I can think of to ever have a crop top wedding dress.
Aside from the crop top dress, Scheana’s wedding has something else in common with your trashy cousin’s wedding: someone got punched in the face. And of course, that douchebag was James Kennedy. James Kennedy getting punched in the face isn’t even the trashiest part. The trashiest part was Scheana adorning her apartment with giant blown-up photographs of her and Shay from the wedding. Pretty sure she still has the ones of just her hung up in her apartment.
3. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries
Okay, rumors swirling that you got married for fame alone makes for a trashy wedding. But for the record, I strongly disagree with this allegation. If a guy who is 6’9” proposes to you, you 10000000% say yes. This hot mess of a marriage ended quicker than my almond milk expires. The only good thing about this wedding is that it put ten million dollars back into the economy. And people think Kim’s selfish?
4. Pamela Anderson’s Weddings
Fun fact: Pamela Anderson got married in a bikini. Twice. I can’t even get my picture taken in a bikini without doing a kegstand of FitTea and crying to detox myself of any water weight before I FaceTune the sh*t out of my stomach, so you go girl! Pamela first married Tommy Lee…96 hours after they met. Did we mention he met her when he was high on ecstasy? But who are we to judge? I’ll probably meet my future husband when I’m blacked out from vodka sodas. Anyway. Pam and Tommy got married in Cancun. That’s like, Cabo’s deadbeat cousin, so that in and of itself is a warning sign. That marriage *shockingly* ended after two children, a leaked sex tape, a prison sentence, and a shared diagnosis of Hepatitis.
So Pamela went on to marry Kid Rock. I know what you’re thinking: who would find Kid Rock attractive? Not even female Kid Rock megafans find Kid Rock sexually attractive, probably because the only men they find attractive are their first cousins. But I digress. Pam and Kid Rock got married on a yacht in Saint Tropez ,which is classy until you factor in that A) Pam was wearing a bikini, B) Kid Rock was wearing a white V-neck and a Detroit Tigers baseball hat, and C) Kid Rock’s website said they were “registered at Wal-Mart.” I honestly need to bleach my brain after reading this.
5. Emily Ratajkowski and Sebastian Bear-McClard
Instagram famous Emily married trust fund dumpster baby Sebastian Bear McClean in what has to be the most underwhelming wedding of all time. Legit, if you scroll through these people’s respective Instagram’s, they both look aggressively bored. Emily wore a mustard suit from Zara to their nuptials, held at a New York courthouse after a quickie engagement. Like, if you have that in common with Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, your marriage is already doomed.
6. David and Victoria Beckham
You’ve seen her fashion sense. You’ve seen his bulge in underwear ads. So it hurts my cold, dead heart to say that these two had a trashy wedding. They wore coordinating outfits. Twice. First, Victoria wore a white Vera Wang gown, as per celebutante tradition, but then David was like “hey! I’ll wear an all-white tux and we’ll be twinsies!” (I paraphrase.) David, a word to the wise: when you marry a member of one of the most iconic girl pop groups of all time, try not to look like a Backstreet Boy reject.
It gets worse. During their send-off, they wore coordinating all-purple outfits. Just because you two probably share hair and makeup products, doesn’t mean you should share the same outfits. That Laura Ashley sh*t wasn’t cute when our moms forced us to do it for our Christmas card pics, so why would it work for your wedding?
Oh, and they cut their wedding cake with a sword. A SWORD. And this woman is supposed to be a tastemaker in the fashion world. Send help.
Images: Giphy (4); Instagram (emrata), (victoriabeckham)
Weddings are expensive AF no matter how you cut it. In addition to cutting costs for things so you can spend your money on important things like a house and a baller honeymoon, nixing things that your guests don’t care about is a smart move. Whether it’s programs or a certain type of dessert, don’t waste your Dad’s hard-earned money on things that literally no one will remember. Free booze, good food, and a dress that doesn’t look like it belongs to a cat weirdo are what matters.
1. Programs
Pass. We mentioned it here, but programs get forgotten, thrown out, or just generally ignored. If you’re really v concerned that people won’t know which version of “All Creatures of our God and King” to sing as the Offertory hymn during your 10-hour Catholic Mass, go ahead and write it on a chalkboard in the front. It’ll be a lot cheaper and grandma will be able to see the font.
2. Favors
By the time guests are on their way out of a wedding, they’re more concerned with either a) finding the next bar, or b) finding a suitable bush to throw up in. They’re not looking for a table with favors. Face it—most wedding favors are pretty forgettable and/or tacky. If you want to really give your guests a gift, offer a midnight snack like a pretzel, hot dog, or schedule a food truck to show up as the party winds down.
3. Types Of Flowers
Ask any former bridesmaid what kind of flowers she carried at any given wedding and she literally will not remember. Ask any wedding guest what kinds of flowers were used as centerpieces at any given wedding they’ve attended. No one will know. Flowers are def important for “fluffing” a space and adding color, but don’t feel the need to go balls to the wall and order perfectly pink hydrangeas out of season because the color is the only thing that will work. Set a budget and stick to it. Guests don’t care and won’t remember. Sh*t, go to the grocery store and get your own.
4. Cake
No one goes to a wedding for the cake. Oftentimes, wedding cake gets a bad rep anyway for being dry, bland, vanilla, and generally not that amazing compared to the free booze that the bartender is dishing out. Grabbing an Oreo ice cream cake is going to be just as sufficient for those cute shoving-cake-in-each-other’s-faces pics as a $1,000 four-layer French whipped meringue and sponge cake. At my wedding, we had a guest (who happened to be a baker) make our tiny perfect-for-smashing cake and it was just big enough for the two of us (which we loved cause we’re both v bad at sharing). Then we fed everyone else cookies, brownies, pies, and mousse. Win, win.
5. Cocktail Hour Music
This is the part of the program where your guests will pound shots, beer, and wine before heading into what they believe will be a v boring dinner. The soundtrack you provide during this power hour is not something your guests will notice. Sure, your parents may insist you play four to seven Bruce Springsteen songs because, “Sarah, you’re from New Jersey and you’re required by law.” Go ahead—your guests are going to be too busy guzzling appetizer-sized crab cakes and free prosecco to notice that “Glory Days” gets really old after the 50th time.
6. A Choreographed First Dance
Nine out of 10 couples in a survey I made up for this article don’t give a sh*t if the bride and groom can’t dance versus having a 4-minute choreographed dance routine. During the first dance, the guests are urging their bodies to quickly digest the multi-course feast of seafood and antipasti from cocktail hour while counting the minutes until the buffet opens and they can comment on the types of meat offered. No one cares if you spent four consecutive weeks verbally abusing kindly encouraging hubby to perfect his ability to dip you so that you can have the perfect picture. Just get out there and dance. Stop being a snot.
7. A Slideshow Of The Couple
Yawn. No matter how many “ooohs” and “awwws” you think you’ll garner from showing pics from the one-night stand respectable first date or the engagement you knew about and, therefore, had heavily photographed, no one cares. Sure, a photo here and there of the happy couple on tables at cocktail hour or tastefully worked into the reception hall is fine. But having a literal home movie of you two drooling on each other isn’t really necessary.
8. The Bouquet And Garter Toss
Oftentimes, the bouquet and garter toss only serve to up the ante at a boring wedding. You, chances are, are not going to have a boring wedding, so why stop the music for an outdated tradition? The only entertaining part of the bouquet toss is watching your single friends fight each other for a pack of flowers, so if that’s something you want to see, go for it. Bonus points if your maid of honor pushes a child to the floor in an effort to grab it.
Images: Wu Jianxiong, Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Wedding season has descended upon us. At any given time from June through September you may have to sit through an outdoor carnival themed hipster wedding, a classy vineyard wedding, or even a fucking non-airconditioned reception in a barn. So rude. But being a good wedding guest takes some learnin’, and if you’re not willing to not be a dick and follow our rules, then maybe you don’t get to go partake in the six-hour open bar, potential for one-night stands, or shithole DJ yelling “GET YOUR HANDS UP” or “WOOO” every three minutes. It’s gonna be a great time, guys. Here are some rules of wedding guest etiquette you need to follow if you want to sit with us (or more accurately, your friends at the next wedding—you get it). These summer wedding faux pas are social suicide.
1. Show Up In Minimal Clothing
Oh no, no, no. You aren’t going to the CLERRRBBB. You’re going to a fucking wedding. I get that the cute matching crop top and miniskirt set and 5-inch wedges will look totally fetch and def get you laid (which is like, so important cause it’s been a while and you’re starting to see sounds), but try to fucking chill. If you’re approaching 30, you shouldn’t be wearing a dress that’s six inches or more above the knee. And NO CROP TOPS (Scheana). Catholic school rules apply. No offense, but it’s true.
2. Wear White
This goes for any season, but it’s easiest to make the mistake when it’s fucking 95 degrees outside and the eighth circle of hell seems a lot closer temperature-wise than usual. Do not wear fucking white or anything remotely close to it. Only the bride should be in white/cream/champagne/blush (whatever) so don’t wear anything even CLOSE. You’re tacky if you do, and the bride’s mom will def tackle you because HOW DARE YOU UPSTAGE MY BABY. If you have to even ask if the color you’re thinking of wearing is too close to white, it is, and you need to put it back in the closet and save it for brunch or whatever.
3. Get Too Turnt
Again, this kinda goes for all seasons, but it’s easiest to fuck up during the summer. It’s hot, there’s an open bar, and wine spritzers go down reaaaaaal easy this time of the year. Try drinking a glass of water after each boozy drink so that you a) stay hydrated and b) don’t end up blacking out by the time the reception rolls around. No hoodrat shit.
4. Skip Deodorant
Yikes. I shouldn’t have to explain this one, but it’s hot. You may end up in a church without an AC, or you may end up wearing something that shows how much of a disgusting person you really are. Wear some fucking deodorant and bring a travel size one with you to reapply if needed. No one wants to smell your funk.
5. Bitch About How Hot It Is
WE GET IT. There’s nothing the bride can do about the heat wave, and I PROMISE she’s hotter in that 40 layer tulle ballgown than you are with your bare legs and updo. Get that bitch a mister and be nice.
6. Think You’re Too Good For Sunscreen
If this wedding is going to be outdoors at literally any point during the day, lather up. You don’t want some weird tan lines from your strappy cocktail dress, do you? Also, if you’re looking to hook up and you were outside without sunscreen, how long until your pink nose and lobster-like redness deter every eligible bachelor in the vicinity? I give it a few hours.
Images: Anna Utochkina, Unsplash; Giphy (7)
