If you love laughing at other people’s embarrassing stories and misery, you’ve come to the right place. Jared and Jordana blessed us with another listener-submitted awkward sexual encounter story on the U Up? podcast, so we of course have to break it down for you.
“Hi Jared & Jordana! Background info: I recently moved home after a career change and my new-at-the-time boyfriend also moved home after he got out of the military. Both of our mothers are teachers, so it’s rare that either of us get any ~sexy time~ in the summer since someone is always home.”
This situation is already awkward because it feels like these two have reverted back to a high school relationship. Good for them for making it work under the circumstances. I’d feel on edge knowing my mom (or his!) could walk in at any moment and put me in such an uncomfortable situation that I would have to change my identity and move away.
“I was driving home from work one night when he booty called me, so I drove to his house and told my family that I was stuck at work. We got hot & heavy REAL fast, and ended up having sex on his living room floor (the rug burn was worth it).”
I’m sorry, when is rug burn ever worth it? Just do it on the bed like normal people. Maybe I’m just jealous of the youthful vitality that would possess someone to think having sex on the floor is a good idea (can you say knee pain?), or maybe I’m a buzzkill. However boring I may be, I know for a fact that at the end of the day the person who has sex on their bed will be able to then sleep in said bed with much more peace and comfort sans rug burns and bruised knee caps.
“He decided he wanted to cum in my mouth, but wasn’t fast enough; most of the jizz ended up on my face.”
This sentence is just a lot to take in. I feel like this is the kind of sentence my freshman English professor would pick apart mercilessly make us study for an entire class. If you separate it into different lines it could literally be a Rupi Kaur poem. Wow.
“At first this wasn’t an issue, just towel off, right? Wrong. His cum got in one of my eyes, and it immediately turned bloodshot because I wear contacts. I ran to the bathroom to take my contact lens out and flush my eye with water, but it only got worse and started burning.”
This is just the worst. There is no bigger feeling of defeat than when you’ve done something to f*ck up your delicate little eyeball and literally nothing you do to try to fix it makes it feel better. And then the pain is so bad that you start crying and your poor eye starts doing even more work.
“I ended up driving home while holding a wet paper towel over the eye and told my family something got in my eye at work.”
This poor girl can’t catch a break. Her boyfriend gets cum in her eye and then she can’t even go home and bitch about it to whoever will listen. She just has to suffer in silence. What a strong woman. I have so much respect for her, but I do not envy her.
“Anyway, would love to hear what name you give this! I’ll hopefully be seeing you at your Philly show.
What would you call this situation? Would you forgive your boyfriend for this very unfortunate slip-up? Honestly, at least it wasn’t any of their parents walking in on them. To hear what Jared and Jordana thought, listen to U Up? below.
Images: HBO; Tenor (2)
As much as we all like to think of ourselves as empathetic beings who don’t get enjoyment out of people’s misery, we all love to cringe (and laugh) at a good embarrassing sex story. It’s fun to hear about the horrible things people have been traumatized by in bed, as long as we’re not the ones undergoing the traumatizing. That’s why this crazy story Jared and Jordana chose as the “Awkward Sexual Encounter” of the week that on the U Up? podcast that a fan sent in is so horribly entertaining. And before you come swinging with your “ThIs DeFiNiTeLy DiDn’T hApPeN!!1!1” comments, homegirl sent us a picture of her literal receipt for proof (but more on that later).
The listener wrote, “So yesterday was a major annual parade in my city – everyone day drinks for it and goes out to bars afterwards. After many hours of drinking and a few too many vodka sodas, I met a guy in a bar and we hit it off. My memory of the entire night is fuzzy at best, but we went home together. I woke up the next morning needing to pee and to get some water. As I was peeing, I realized I had gotten my period the day before but had no memory of taking my tampon out. I reached down to feel for the string but couldn’t find it.”
Oh no. Imagine the panicked thoughts running through this poor girl’s head at this point. Sunday scaries at their STRONGEST. Was the tampon totally gone? Did she not realize she had been free bleeding all night? Then she figured out what actually happened, which was even worse.
“Terror began to set in. Upon further investigation, I found the tampon lodged deep in my vagina. I knew that we hadn’t had sex but he had fingered me A LOT. Apparently in the process, he had shoved my tampon so far up that I couldn’t get it out. This is literally the type of horror story you hear about in middle school Sex Ed.
“I got back into bed with him and felt like I needed to tell him in case I died of sepsis on the spot. He was a great sport – clearly had not felt the tampon at any point the night before and felt badly about it but we were able to joke about it. Anyway, after a lot of googling for tips and tricks and a few hours of fishing around, I gave up and went to Urgent Care.”
Can you imagine the horrifying moment of accepting defeat, swallowing any pride you had left, and surrendering your vagina to a medical professional to remove the tampon stuck so far up it? I just shuddered.
II think basically the entire staff was behind the front desk when they asked me what I needed help with. I’m free of the “foreign body” but have to use pads this week because my poor vagina took such a beating.”
To spare this girl of any more embarrassment after having gone through all of this and then sending it to us to share with the whole world, I won’t attach the picture of her urgent care outpatient form. But I will tell you that it actually has the words “The following issue was addressed: foreign body in vagina” on it. Next time you wake up the morning after a hookup and feel bad about not remembering much from the night before, be grateful that you don’t have a tampon wedged so far up your vagina that you have to have a doctor remove it.
To hear more from Jared and Jordana on this unfortunate story, listen to U Up? below.
Images: Kinga Cichewicz / Unsplash; Tenor (2); Giphy (2)
Ever since I was old enough to subscribe to women’s magazines, I have had mixed feelings about them. While I am a believer in self-improvement, the barrage of articles telling me I should change or improve some aspect of myself made me feel inadequate. Never was this feeling more acute than after reading the sex tips offered by these magazines. I thought I was doing just fine in this area and had never received a bad review, but if these magazines were to be believed, I would need to stand on my head and breathe through my nose while blindfolded in order to really impress in the bedroom. I’m all for keeping things exciting, especially in the context of a long-term relationship, but I just don’t see the same dogged dedication to pleasing your partner covered in men’s magazines. So I have taken it upon myself to do the lord’s work and outline some things that men need to stop doing in bed. Feel free to share with the f*ckboy loving partner in your life.
1. Foregoing Foreplay
According to sex expert and OG betch Dr. Ruth, “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm.” While this shouldn’t be news to anyone in 2019, my past experiences and those of my friends sadly prove otherwise. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a specific subcategory of offenders here: men who refuse to go down on women. These creatures need to be canceled immediately, no questions asked. Be sure to throw the whole man away if he tries to make you feel like there is something wrong with your vagina. Assuming you’re showering regularly and not suffering from an infection in that area, the problem is him and not you. Any loser that tells you differently needs to be deleted from your phone. If you are one of the unicorn women who don’t need foreplay, that’s awesome (and who are you?), but like dessert at a restaurant, it should always be offered.
2. Mimicking Porn
Now that porn is more accessible than ever before, it has served as the basis for the sexual education of most men of our generation. While porn can be fun and useful when you need some new ideas, the depiction of the sex itself is rarely realistic. As we established in item 1, the vast majority of women don’t just come the second a man sticks his unlubed dick inside. And they definitely will not get off if their partner proceeds to pound away at them like a deranged chef making his finest chicken paillard. It’s difficult enough to have an orgasm in missionary; it’s downright impossible when the person on top of you is attempting to set some kind of record for most thrusts in a minute. Under no circumstances is the jack rabbit acceptable. Just. No.
3. Naming The Vagina
I’m not talking about words like “pussy” that, however you personally feel about them, have become part of the lexicon and would be unsurprising to hear in bed. I am referring to words that are a bit more out of the box (pun totally intended). To provide an example, I once had a guy ask me mid-hookup about my “na na.” After quickly remembering that I don’t call my grandma by that name, nor had this man ever met her, I realized, to my abject horror, that he was talking about my vagina. It was at that point that I went home and proceeded to never text him again. Not only was this extremely creepy, he completely ruined Trey Songz’s “Na Na” for me eternally, which is just unforgivable. When it comes to naming the nether regions, the motto is simple: when in doubt, don’t try it out. Dirty talk is great, but keep the nicknames to yourself.
4. Using A Cliche Sex Playlist
Personally, having sex to music isn’t my jam (though bad puns most certainly are). This might be the case because every guy I dated who was into doing this was a complete and utter tool, but I digress. I think incorporating music can be a fun way to shake things up, but if both people aren’t into it, it’s a recipe for awkwardness, especially if said playlist is a bit too on the nose. You already know what you’re doing, you don’t need the music to narrate the moment like some washed-up DJ trying to pump up the crowd at a third-rate bar mitzvah. Ginuwine’s “Pony” and Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” have no business on a sex playlist, and any guy that thinks otherwise is probably a virgin, or should be.
5. Entering The Backdoor Without Permission
Engaging in anal sex or any other activity involving the butt is a polarizing topic. There are some who love this kind of action, and others who want nothing to do with it. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, I think we can all agree that no great love story ever began with a sneak attack on an unsuspecting butthole. At best, you are in for some major discomfort, and, at worst, a literal sh*tshow. I recently heard a story about a girl who ended up with an actual hemorrhoid because some douchelord thought it was okay to bite her ass without so much as a warning. I wonder how adventurous he’d be feeling if he were on the receiving end of such a love bite.
I could go one for hours about obnoxious things guys do in the bedroom, but these five are definitely some of the most common and egregious. Any sexual relationship is always better if you can be open and honest about what you want, so if a dude’s definition of foreplay isn’t cutting it for you, demand better or ditch his ass. What are your biggest sexual pet peeves that I didn’t mention?
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)
Okay fam, this was a traumatizing fun one. I polled every straight man I could find for this article on guys’ biggest turn-offs, which nearly cost me both my job and my relationship. (Pro tip: Don’t ask your boyfriend this type of question unless you enjoy picturing them with other women. I, as it turns out, do not. Live and learn.) Because guys can sometimes miss the nuance in certain questions, I got a lot of useless answers like “throwing up” or “peeing,” which I’ve chosen to exclude. I trust my v sophisticated readers to understand that bodily fluids intended for the toilet are a turn-off in bed, unless you are expressly into that. Instead, I’ve listed the five stories below that made me go “oh shit, have I done that??” Read on, and sorry in advance.*
*Disclaimer: Sexual preferences are obviously different for everybody; what you read here does not necessarily apply to your situation. (But like, it probably does.) Also, names have been changed to protect the perverts I polled innocent men volunteering their stories.
1. Acting Like A Porn Star
One guy we’ll call Jason, 25, shared this story. During sex (which was otherwise fine/good), the woman was working overtime to make it clear she was enjoying herself. Like, violently extended eye contact, over-the-top moaning, frequent references to his dick and its capabilities. To top this all off, they finish up and she has cum sticking to her body—which she then proceeds to WIPE OFF WITH HER FINGER AND EAT. At this point, Jason “nearly vomited”. While I’m hoping I don’t have any cum snackers in the audience, there’s a larger lesson here. Being enthusiastic/into it? Good. Emulating a porn star to the point where you put yourself on a dick-and-semen-only diet, just because you think the guy’s into it? BAD. Again, if you enjoy the taste of semen, go crazy: it may help you live longer. But remember that what guys watch doesn’t always line up with what they actually want. And for god’s sake, remember that you also have wants that should be filled. Specifically, wants that don’t involve eating cum.
2. Letting Your Pet Watch
Ok yeah, this one isn’t all that mindblowing. But a surprising number of guys either referenced this or vehemently agreed when I mentioned it as an example. So I figured I’d include it. While owning a dog is an excellent life move, both for your Hinge profile pictures and general well-being, your precious pup does not have a place in the bedroom. (Don’t even get me started on cats. Though TBH if someone came over knowing there was a cat there, who knows what they’re into.) For reasons I still can’t quite figure out, 7/10 dudes have a traumatizing experience of being mid-sex, looking up, and locking eyes with your four-legged friend. Ladies. LADIES. What are we doing?? How do 7/10 of us not know this is not acceptable? I’ll take this time to quote Panic! At The Disco, and chime in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door”??
Please do not let your pet stay in the room while you have sex, or I will be forced to call the authorities.
3. Not Cleaning Up Down There
I’m just going to paste the texts I got about this one here. The whole situation makes me sad and I don’t have the emotional strength to re-word it myself. Here it is, in its unfiltered glory:
“Once I was fuckin a girl and she had a huge dark thick singular hair popping out… It was staring me in the face the whole time. I couldn’t finish.” – Adam, 26
“Little bits of toilet paper in the butthole or vagina area HUGE turnoff.” – Dan, 24
“Pustules in the face when eating out a girl. That’s a definite turnoff.” – Will, 28
Ok let’s unpack this!! First of all, yes, I associate with degenerates. These are partly things that you can avoid, and partly evidence that men watch too much porn and still expect women have Barbie vaginas. So women should LOOK like porn stars, but never act like them (see #1). Got it. BRB, walking off a cliff. Specifically, I’m guessing “pustules” are referring to ingrown hairs and not an active STD, which is so sad. (If it was the latter, then fine.) It means the woman in question was actually making an effort to be hairless, and suffered an unavoidable consequence.
If there’s a lesson here—and I’m not sure there is— maybe make sure you don’t have anything really pus-y (pun INTENDED) before having someone go down on you. Or like, do it anyway because eating you out is a privilege and a gift. Same goes for the whole “singular hair” comment—you can either do a quick run with tweezers, or decide you don’t give a fuck. Up to you.
My least favorite by far is the whole toilet paper thing—that does kind of seem on the woman to control. Like, you’d be pissed if you went down on a guy and got a mouthful of Charmin too. (Slash terrified because why was he using toilet paper on his penis. Is it an Usher/greenish discharge situation?? I’m sorry. I’m disgusting.) Anyway, this one felt worth noting because it’s very possible you’ve done it and not known. Aaaaand now I have yet another thing to add to my list of things to worry about before sex. Cool.
I include this with a word of caution, though. I had a shitty high school boyfriend who told me to go “wash myself” before every time we had sex, and it was fucked up and scarring. Know that there’s a line between being polite and being made to feel like your genitals are gross. Don’t have sex with guys who cross that line.
4. Making A Sex Schedule
This one came from a guy who’s in a long-term relationship (it shows). Specifically, Matt, 27, cited “providing a time bound” as a turn-off. The example he gave was “you need to stop playing video games by 11 if you want to have sex.” As someone with a full-time job, I have to say that an 11pm start time seems generous. But I do understand how treating sex like you’re Monica Geller in wedding planner mode is not exactly hot. For one thing, we already know guys have trouble performing if they’re under any kind of pressure. For another, it really removes any glimmer of the notion that the woman was just spontaneously turned on by you and decided she wanted to have sex.
So, while I understand (and lightly applaud) the impulse, maybe stay away from this practice for both your sakes, unless you’ve both mutually agreed to setting up a schedule to revive a dead bedroom. Otherwise, just have sex when you’re both in the mood. And if that’s not happening frequently enough, you have a different problem from time management to figure out.
Everyone sufficiently scarred? Good! That about fills you in on my last 48 hours. Please don’t think that I’m writing this article as “what you’re doing in bed that’s not getting you a call back.” I am, as Carrie Bradshaw would say, a sexual anthropologist. Whether or not you think these complaints are reasonable, it can’t hurt to know what the enemy the men you’re having sex with are thinking. Well, it can hurt but like, it’s useful. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go repair the damage this article caused to my relationship.
Images: Giphy (4); Pexels / Moose Photos (1)
I won’t lie—I fell into a pretty serious rabbit hole of bad sex advice while researching this. And somewhere around the Men’s Health column that called the vagina a “mysterious pleasure organ”, I came to the conclusion that men should be banned from the written word, but more importantly, that most bad sex advice has one thing in common: someone is severely overthinking it. I totally get it; from my research alone, I already feel I’ve exhausted all possible contortions of the human body. (I’m also obsessively Googling “how flexible is the average woman” but that’s neither here nor there.) But no matter how hard you’re trying to spice up your love life, some sex positions just aren’t worth it. Read on for my list of completely absurd positions you should never attempt (no matter how far into a 30-day “revive your relationship” challenge you are).
“The View” was recommended by Cosmo and it’s like reverse cowgirl, but way harder (hooked yet?). Instead of JUST straddling your partner, you fully lie down. Now that you have some nice boob-on-calf action going (my fave), you’re meant to begin “pretty much twerking.” Yes, while lying down. And yes, this is “the view” the name of this sex position is referencing. That of your partner watching you desperately try to heave your ass a few inches into the air while all gravity and logic defies you. (You could sneak your hands and feet onto the ground for leverage, but that’s just a push up.) Basically, twerking standing up in a cool, dry room was already my nightmare. Twerking lying down naked with a dick inside me is a little much.
Yeah, I can’t do anything like this:
You know when you see a spider and you’re like “ooh that’s hot, let’s name a sex position after it”? Well, the good people of Men’s Health have you covered. You and your partner crab walk toward each other until your genitals are appropriately entwined. Then you guys rock back and forth, while still balancing on your hands and feet. My main issue with this (other than the set-up it requires), is how very gently you’ll need to rock. If there’s a dick involved, it seems like more than a few inches would cause the whole thing to collapse. Also, Men’s Health cites one of the benefits of this position as “you both can still maintain eye contact.” Because who doesn’t love adding prolonged eye contact to some very controlled thrusting? At least the eye contact will make it easier for your partner to see the fear in your eyes.
Bonus: Women’s Health’s version of this recommends that you slide ice cubes down your partner’s torso. You know, so that the freezing water POOLS WHERE YOU MEET. This is the most traumatized I’ve been envisioning freezing water since the first time I saw Titanic.
You would kind of hope Women’s Health would have more realistic sex positions than Men’s Health, but here we are. X-Factor is missionary—now make it sexy terrible. Instead of aligning your bodies to have both heads in the same general area (way too boring, am I right), your partner lies on top of you so that you form the letter X. Since the important parts are still mashing together, I guess that’s where the sex is taking place. (Though with a P-in-V situation, I feel like either the P or V would need to have a significant curve.) This seems like a fun position for mouthing “how’s it going over there” as your partner valiantly strives to balance on top of you and all the blood rushes to their unsupported head. Also, if you’re only turned on by one side of your partner’s body, then this is the move for you. It doesn’t seem like a fun position for orgasms, avoiding chafing, or any other of my admittedly low-key sex goals.
This is just an even more fucked-up version of everyone’s favorite pile driver position. That’s where you assume the plow pose (ass up, legs overhead, uncomfortable amount of weight on your neck), and then your partner lowers down on said ass and bangs you from above. We’ve already mentioned the damage this is likely to do to your neck, but pause for a second and truly imagine it. In the Spread Eagle variation recommended by Refinery29, you spread your legs wide from this position. As a plus, you could definitely hurt yourself so badly that you’re not allowed to go to the gym for several months. And it does seem like a sick deal for the partner on top (Refinery29 notes that they don’t have to do “that much work, just hold up”). But the partner on the bottom who’s tearing both inner thigh muscles and slowly feeling their head separate from their body can’t be loving this.
Again, my body cannot do this:
Whatever you want to do in the bedroom is totally your right, obviously. But in the interest of safety and not being a complete fucking weirdo, probably skip the above sex positions. Good luck out there.
Images: Giphy (4); David Hofmann / Unsplash
Everyone has a slightly different opinion about how much dirty talk is acceptable. Some people have a strong preference for non-verbal cues; others want spoken word poetry performed about their bodies until completion. (Don’t believe me? Attend Wesleyan for four years and get back to me.) So, while the best recourse is always to check with your partner about what they prefer, dirty talk is not a science. There’s no one-size-fits-all on what people are turned on by hearing. There is, however, a fairly definitive list of what people are turned OFF by hearing. Here’s a list of the top 5 things you should never say in bed.
1. “Are You Close?”
“Are you close” is the sexual equivalent of “are we there yet,” and both are equally annoying. Obviously, when you gave up on an orgasm came 20 minutes ago and they’re still going at it, this thought will be on loop in your mind along with “oh god I think I’m starting to chafe” and “I think I can feel myself getting a UTI.” But when you basically announce “I wish this were over, can we wrap it up?” you’re setting both partners up for a shitty experience. You’ll either feel like a martyr for allowing them to continue or resent them for not offering to stop. They’ll feel embarrassed and hurt for not realizing you were no longer into it. (And they’ll also probably be way less close than they were a second ago, because they’re now self-conscious AF.)
In all fairness, this question can be asked with good intention. If you think of sex as a workout, hearing “I’m close” can be the equivalent of the burst of energy you get when you hear “final set” from your trainer. But odds are, they can’t predict the exact moment of their orgasm any better than you can yours. So save yourselves both the embarrassment, and just be upfront when you have to stop. A simple “this feels amazing, but I’m getting really sore. Can we pick this up later?” is much more effective. You may have to deal with a few minutes of blue ball-induced grumpiness, but anyone worth your time will understand.
2. “My Ex….”
If you’ve scored a second date at any point in your life, you know not to talk about exes. But there is truly no worse time to do so than in bed. Even if you consider it a compliment, saying “you give much better head than my ex did” will only ensure that both you and your partner are now thinking about your ex giving you head. And your partner will start wondering how long you’ve been thinking about your ex giving you head, and why you’re thinking about him at all, and you’ll be thinking about all the fights and weird avoidance strategies you employed with your ex because he was bad at giving head. Congratulations, now no one is enjoying themselves. Save this kind of talk for brunch with your friends.
Remember the episode of Friends where Rachel keeps bursting out laughing whenever Ross tries to make out with her? Granted, Ross is a man-child for the ages, but his reaction isn’t all that unfair. Sure, weird shit happens during sex and it’s actually a healthy sign if you and your partner can laugh together. But the key point there is that a) it’s together and b) it doesn’t kill the mood. If you bust out laughing while your partner is making a genuine effort to be intimate—like doing a sexy striptease—it’s super hurtful and unlikely to be something you recover from. (If they fully fall over because their clothes got stuck over their eyes, I give you permission to giggle quietly. Then go make sure they’re okay.)
As a general rule, if only one person is laughing, the other probably feels pretty shitty. And unless you’re actively trying to discourage someone acting sexual with you, don’t make them feel like it’s hysterically funny that they thought you were actually turned on.
Don’t pretend you don’t know what “whatever” means—you probably use it 16 times a day. It means “I don’t care,” “I wasn’t listening,” or “I’m too tired to explain it to you.” While wildly useful in other circumstances, it’s the worst possible response to any question asked in bed. If your partner is asking “what do you want” or “does that feel good,” that’s GOOD. (Actually, the former is a mixed bag. But “I’m not sure” is way better than “whatever.”) “Whatever” is the verbal equivalent of starfishing. It indicates that you’re not into it, that you’re only there to wait it out until they finish, and that there’s nothing they could possibly do to change that. Assuming you’re not fucking someone who’s cool with those terms, you just ruined the moment, HARD. But TBH, if you’re saying “whatever” during sex, you’re probably looking for an out.
5. “Does Daddy Like That?”
Yeah, I’m sure there are some cases in the Trump family where this is a major turn on. But please god, let your partner bring it up before dumping them giving it a shot. The thing about calling someone “daddy” is that if they don’t like it, they REALLY don’t like it. Like, dry-heaving, reduced blood flow to the genitals, and serious questioning of how deeply rooted your daddy issues are don’t like it. Maybe they called their own father “daddy” as a child and are now thinking about that. Maybe they one day hoped to have children of their own who refer to them as “daddy,” and they don’t want it sullied in advance. These are all legitimate reactions.
IMO, there are just too many gross interpretations for this to be a risk worth taking. I can’t speak to the people who do like this, because I don’t know any, but it’s possible that this is a high-risk, high-reward move. For now, though, I can only say with confidence that it’s extremely high risk, and if this isn’t a NEVER, it’s at least an extreme “proceed with caution.”
(^acceptable here, since she’s probably fantasizing about Hiram Lodge)
As I said before, the easiest route to successful dirty talk is always finding out what your partner wants. But since actual conversation delivering the sex equivalent of an HR survey can be daunting, the above list should ensure that you at least don’t embarrass yourself or hurt anyone’s feelings—no awkward discussion required. You’re welcome!
Images: Giphy (5)
I feel like a lot of my recent sex articles have tried to answer the question of what sex can and can’t do. Like, sex can’t fully replace going to the gym, but sex can definitely be a harder workout than you’re making it. And sex can’t tell you if the guy you’re seeing is an asshole, but… wait no, sex can totally tell you if he’s an asshole. So, while I’m out here spinning gold into sex advice, I do worry from time to time that I need to remind readers of the first and foremost consideration: what YOU can and can’t do. And I don’t mean that in any kind of spiritual/emotional sense—I literally mean what your body can physically manage, something I can assure you is better to recognize now than when you’re looking down at a penis that’s been “kinked in the middle.” Because while sex can’t restore you to who you were before you saw a snapped peen, it most certainly can cause severe bodily harm to both parties.
So: know your limits, know the sex positions most likely to land you in the hospital, and make an informed decision on what you should and shouldn’t attempt (aforementioned sex positions listed below).
Shower sex is the best argument for abstinence I’ve ever encountered. It’s entirely possible that a large percentage of the celibate-by-choice population just lost their virginity in the shower and decided “never again” on the spot. Since shower sex makes you exclusively the wrong kind of wet, you will be at risk both of freezing to death and suffering internal damage you haven’t experienced since you learned what foreplay was. The slippery walls/floor factor lends an extra excitement that could otherwise only be achieved by coating your living room floor in baby oil and attempting to do a cartwheel. Thinking all fours would be safer for balance? Last time I tried shower sex, I got my hair caught in the faucet and then locked myself in a closet for 20 minutes to bask in my shame. If you are absolutely hell-bent on doing this because it’s on a sorority checklist, at least invest in those no-slip shower devices for the elderly. Consider it the second-most important latex product for your sexual safety.
Any Kind Of Cowgirl
Boy, am I nervous when attempting these positions. (And btw, “these positions” refers to regular cowgirl and reverse cowgirl for me—if you know of other, fancier cowgirls please hmu in the comments). We’re all aware that penises (penii?) have structural deficiencies, and a big one is their angle in relation to the male torso. When people talk about the joys of “riding dick” (idk who these people are, but they sound fun), I still kind of wish there were something joystick-y and easy about it, rather than a mass of flesh beaming up toward his own face like there’s a homing signal attached to it. While I hate to interrupt my own rant about dicks, the point here is that bouncing a little too high in cowgirl (an athletic effort that should only be rewarded) will not end in you just “re-mounting” as you come down—nope, that dick will immediately re-direct itself at that 45 degree angle, and you are suddenly in grave danger of causing a pain for which you’ll never be forgiven. Worst case scenario: breaking a penis. It’s possible, it’s real. Best case scenario: squashing a ball or two, and men are giant babies about that.
Bent Over Something
This article has taken a weird turn for making me sound like I’m 75 years old, but whatever—I’m including this series of positions because I literally strained a muscle from it last week. Specifically, I strained my oblique (the muscle that’s supposed to give you those ab side lines) from basically doing a half-plank during sex, because being bent over anything requires keeping your ass lifted (so the guy doesn’t have to squat) and core tight (so you don’t look pregnant, though maybe that’s a personal problem). What’s more, since I don’t particularly enjoy pretending to be an inanimate object during sex, I made the error of trying to control the pace and unwittingly pitted my abs and lower back muscles against the strength of his legs. As chill as the stabbing pains down my left side and the corresponding muscle relaxer prescription are, I would not attempt again without some kind of pillow support (brb, mourning my youth).
Blowjobs In Moving Vehicles
Yes, this isn’t technically P-in-V sex, but given the potential for harm to both the two of you and innocent passersby, I’m going to include it. You know how guys become completely helpless right before orgasm, and how that sense of power is 75% of the reason you ever go down on them likely they are to bust out facial expressions or guttural moans you’ve never known existed? Yeah, that kind of unpredictability is precisely the opposite of what you want in someone operating a motor vehicle (as the prescription label on my muscle relaxer handily points out). Also, even if he has superior focus abilities (a claim that’s almost as bullshit as a “condom allergy”), let’s consider the effects of a bump in the road, or a sudden stop. Unless you’re in the market to choke on/bite down on a dick (you can poll his preferences on the latter scenario or nah, up to you), maybe pull the fuck over and stop acting like a horny sixteen year-old. If a female cop pulls you over, I dare you to tell her with a straight face that you were just too excited at the prospect of giving a blowjob to wait until you got home. And if a male cop pulls you over, also do not say this because it sounds like the beginning of a porno featuring you and the entire NYPD (now that I say it, it sounds more like an episode of SVU but this is getting dark enough as is).
That’s my PSA for the day—be safe out there!
Images: Skyler King / Unsplash
Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer, and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Hey there head pro,
Not sure if you’re still answering questions, but here’s one you probably don’t get that much. Basically, I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve had exactly five orgasms in my life. I have a good sex life, masturbate, etc. it’s just really hard for me to orgasm. I’ve tried everything you can think of, read every article, even seen doctors about it, but I’m just one of the people who have a really hard time cumming. It’s tragic, I know, and that’s not even the problem I’m writing to you about.
A few years ago, a guy I was in a serious relationship with broke up with me over this issue. He even said that everything else in our relationship was perfect he just “didn’t feel like a man” because he couldn’t make me orgasm. He did tell me I could give him a call if I ever got the problem fixed (go fuck yourself). This obviously made me feel really shitty because I’ve tried really hard to find a solution, and he knew this and knew I was seeing doctors for it. I still like sex a lot and have an above-average sex drive, I always told him how good he was in bed, and I never pouted about my problem or anything.
Since then I’ve casually slept with different guys, and as long as they put in some effort to make sex enjoyable, I just fake an orgasm. I know people always say not to do this and it’s like against feminism, but I started doing it because 1) I’m not interested in telling random hookups about my sexual history/issues. 2) I’d rather not scare off another guy, and 3) If I do tell a guy and he puts a lot of effort in to try and make me orgasm, it makes me feel pressured which is a guarantee it won’t happen.
So, sorry for all the backstory, here’s the issue. I ended up really liking one of the guys I was sleeping with, and now we’re in a relationship that’s going really well. Except for the fact I’ve been faking an orgasm 99% of the time of course. Since we’re a couple now, I’d really like to stop lying and tell him the whole story, but I’m afraid what his reaction will be to both me having this problem and me having faked orgasms. The thing is, he’s actually amazing in bed and is responsible for two of my orgasms, which is incredible for me. Any tips for bringing this up? And if he does dump me over this, any advice on how to handle this for future relationships? Would this be a dealbreaker for the average guy?
Orgasmless in Seattle
Yeah, I’m still answering questions, I’m just both lazy and busy, which is a lethal combination. Faking it (whether it’s orgasms or being a productive blogger) is never the path you want to go down, but I understand doing what you gotta do. In this case, the good news is that you have an excellent angle from which to approach this: He is responsible for a solid 40% of your climaxes. A way better efficiency rate than the freakin’ congress, amirite folks?!? I say, the next time you ride the fuckcoaster and you don’t see God, that’s a good time to say something like “you know, I’ve had a hard time reaching orgasm my entire life, I’ve even seen doctors about it. In fact, the only time I’ve ever actually cum during sex was with you.”
Now: Is that last part true? I have no idea. Only you know. But even if not, it’s a beautiful little lie. You can just tell him that the other three orgasms came during intense, marathon diddle sessions that left you with carpal tunnel afterwards. The point is, you’re padding his ego just enough so that you can easily and honestly discuss the issue without worrying about anyone feeling awkward. Reinforce that he knows his way around his own dick, but also impress upon him that machines built literally expressly for your pleasure just won’t get the job done sometimes. Also important: let him know that sex can be perfectly fun and enjoyable without an orgasm, especially for someone who has them about as often as Donald Trump has a solid bowel movement. A lot of guys don’t realize that, because it’s a little different for us.
Even though it’s not really something you want to use in this way, it’s kind of a litmus test. If he’s cool, he’ll totally understand, keep up the good work, and (most importantly) not make it about his ego. If not, well, you know what to do. Kick him to the curb, and tell him to call you when he gets the problem fixed.
But no more faking. No good cums of that.
Dear Head Pro,
I’ve been texting a swiping app match for about 2 weeks, and we originally were going to meet the weekend after thanksgiving. We never made plans with a time/place so I figured nbd, it’s the holidays and we just started talking. He isn’t able to meet until the weekend after Christmas….literally 4 weeks away. Is he just trying to avoid me so I don’t get the wrong idea over the holidays? Or is he just not trying to meet?
For the record, I don’t want a relationship or a one-nighter, just something casual with someone that is sexually curious. Specifically, we have a dom/sub thing going on and he’s really into it/me from the texts, so I’m confused why he hasn’t tried to move things along. I don’t think he’s traveling for Christmas bc his family is pretty much all in his city. He’s living with his brother for the next few months so I’m wondering if that’s the issue?
Side note: Another match has the same demanding hours as him (same occupation, requires weekends depending on the client) but has managed to ask me out twice within the same time span of knowing Mr.Dom. He is recently divorced so he’s obvi not looking for a relationship either. Idk maybe I’m having a hard time with this because even my old dates that were like, working on a doctorate still made time to drive 45 minutes to take me out.
Should I kick him to the curb before talking drags on too long? I am only distraught over this because I want to expand my kink and we fit well personality wise. Is it normal etiquette to not hook up over the holidays?? What are guys thinking as far as plans go for someone that is FWB material before Christmas break? Is it too romantic to do stuff (like watching the lights/skating) with someone you just met?
Daddy’s little girl
Let me get this straight: All you want is to act out the lyrics to Ludacris’ second-best song. And yet, you’re distraught because the guy whom you want to smack your ass raw is… unable to find the time to meet and engage in deviant sexual congress with a total stranger during literally the busiest and most miserable time of the year? I don’t get it. In the same paragraph, you say it’s cool he hasn’t made plans because of the holidays, and then also that you’re worried he’s just not interested. What kind of drugs are you on, and where can I get some?
Weirder is that you’ve decided this based on exactly one other person you’ve matched with, and a handful of horny graduate students. This may shock you, but not all people are the same. I would go so far as to say that everyone is different, if I may be so bold. Yeah, guys for the most part wanna smash that ass, and we’ll overcome more hurdles than is probably necessary to do it. But what you want with this guy isn’t the standard “drinks and an awkward quickie” that most swiping app matches lead to. You want, like, a whole thing that involves role-play, rules, boundaries, and maybe even some heavy equipment. That’s not something you do on the fly, and certainly not in the month between eating turkey at grandma’s house and then ham at grandma’s house a little later. Like, that’s a serious commitment. A lot more serious than acting out your fantasies via text and furiously wanking it, anyway.
I don’t think holiday hookups are an etiquette thing so much as they’re an issue of logistics and convenience. As for guys’ plans, I think that depends on the guy. A college dude, yeah, he might be angling to line up some strange while he’s home for a couple months. But post-college? Nah. We’re not thinking about it at all, or any differently than we do any other time of the year. Honestly, just relax, and take the stranger you’ve yet to meet at face value for now. Keep on sexting, if you want to. He’ll still be there after NYE.
I don’t know how you went from “choke me daddy” to ice skating in the same message, so I won’t acknowledge it.
Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.