5 Hilariously Bad Tips For Having Sex When You’re Home For The Holidays

It’s that time of year again, friends. With the holidays approaching, you’re poised to buy gifts, head home, and barely tolerate spend time with loved ones for several days. If you’re bringing a significant other home with you, it can be challenging to find some alone time. And it definitely presents a dilemma. Do you get it on in your childhood bed? How many future holidays will you ruin if your parents happen to hear? Fortunately, our fellow publications have once again come through with some truly batsh*t sex advice, this time with a home for the holidays theme. Prepare to be bewildered.

 1. Have A Holly Jolly Playlist

The close quarters and proximity to relatives already makes home for the holidays sex a bit of a buzzkill (unless you’re an exhibitionist, I don’t know your kinks). But the good people of POPSUGAR managed to find a way to make things even more awkward by suggesting “you crank those holiday tunes a little bit louder” to drown out any suspicious, um, noise. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not personally a huge fan of sex playlists, but I understand that with a non-tool playing DJ under the right circumstances it can work. What I can’t abide is the thought of getting it on to songs like “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Little Drummer Boy.” Not only am I drying up at the thought, this idea makes absolutely no sense. You mean to tell me that two people in a romantic relationship who have left the larger group to hang out behind a closed door blasting Christmas tunes will evoke no suspicion whatsoever? If anything, you’re pretty much guaranteed to hear an unwanted pa rum pum pum pum at said door.

2. Baby, It’s F*cking Cold Outside

For those who don’t want to risk scarring disturbing their family, there’s always the option of taking things outside the bedroom you grew up in. I would have suggested maybe the shower, but the authors at Life by LaserAway advise readers to “try having sex in a car or some bushes outside.” The car suggestion isn’t my favorite, but I’ll leave it alone because at least that’s an enclosed space. What I’m really baffled by is the casual suggestion of “some bushes outside.” Unless you live in a fairly warm climate year-round, it’s likely to be cold as Santa’s balls during the holidays. Even if you’re cool with vaginal frostbite, there’s the issue of a potential bush-induced rash or other irritation. Call me neurotic, but I don’t think this is what Musique meant when they sang “Push, push in the bush.”

3. Carol Of The Basement

If, like me, you’d prefer to keep your bush away from an actual bush this holiday season, you’ll need to get a little creative in terms of locale. Our friends at Today have the following suggestion: “Basements were made for make-outs and even though you haven’t used one for that reason in decades, there’s no reason not to start now.” I wouldn’t say no reason. There’s no place less sexy in a house to bone in than a dank basement. It’s an assault on the senses: the musty smells, the endless eyesores consisting of your boyfriend’s middle school soccer trophies and his mom’s workout equipment from the 80s, and the rug burn you’re sure to get from trying to maneuver on moldy carpet that was put down when Jimmy Carter was in office. Just me?

 4. Rockin’ Around The Pantry

Rounding out the list of sh*tty places to bang when you’re desperate is this gem from the folks at Elite Daily: “This might sound crazy, but making out in the pantry is honestly really cute.” Cute isn’t quite the word I’d use, but sure. Unless you’re, I don’t know, Logan Roy, a pantry is barely going to fit a 4-year-old playing hide and seek, let alone two people f*cking. If we really want to get cute, we might as well add laundry hamper to the list! So adorable. I’m all for proximity to snacks, but the idea of a pantry pounding is just bonkers. Again, may I humbly suggest the shower?

5. Santa Claus Is Coming WHERE?!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the jewel in the crown and the inspiration for this hard-hitting piece of journalism. Of course it comes from Cosmo, where sex tips are notorious for stretching the definition of “advice”: “If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.” There are so many layers to this “tip,” and I mean literal layers. A plastic sandwich bag and a sock? What kind of f*cked up MacGyver sh*t is this? And if we’re gonna be this extra when it comes to the raw materials needed for this “masturbator,” where are the explicit instructions for disposal of this literal scumbag? Isn’t hiding it way riskier than throwing it out, because someone could find your cum-filled sock and sandwich bag? And you’re meant to hide it where, exactly—under the tree? This gives a whole new meaning to a gift from Santa’s sack.

Home for the holidays sex can be complicated, but there’s no need to be extra about it, unless frozen limbs and makeshift condoms are your thing. If so, godspeed. If not, just wait until everyone is asleep and keep quiet so as not to wake an unsuspecting relative. With that in mind, may your days be merry and your nights silent.

Images: Ian Schneider / Unsplash; Giphy (5)

The Worst Sex Tips Ever From ‘Cosmo’ That You Should Definitely Not Do

I remember feeling extremely cool in 7th grade sitting with my friends with a copy of Cosmo. It had “SEX” written all over it, and we would read the sex tips in earnest, feeling v edgy and like strong, powerful women, despite our training bras. Thankfully, we weren’t actually having sex, because some of the tips that Cosmo insisted will make you a sex goddess are fucking crazy. And would most definitely traumatize teenage boys. And the majority of grown men. And really anyone with a beating heart and/or conscience. Here are some of the worst Cosmo sex tips of all time that you should definitely not do.

1. Wear A Wet T-Shirt to Bed

“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping.” –Nick, 30

More jaw-dropping than actually just seeing your gf’s breasts? Really, Nick? Are you sure you’re not 15?

Nick, probably: It was like I could almost see nipples.

In addition to being cold and uncomfortable, there’s nothing like getting all the sheets damp and fucked up because of your at-home wet T-shirt contest. Is it 1996? Are we on MTV’s Spring Break? WTF, Nick. I would be so pissed if someone put a soaking wet T-shirt into my perfectly made bed. And I’m the kind of psycho that is constantly eating in my bed. This is still too far.

2. Rug Burn His Dick

“Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”

The image of girls doing this to unwitting teenage boys thinking it is sexy is absolutely fucking hilarious. Do not do this. This sounds like it would hurt a lot. And he would definitely think you are NOT a wanton sex goddess. If anything, this sounds like great self-defense advice. Also? I’m pretty sure this technique was banned as inhumane torture, and I don’t even think they did it to penises.

3. Milk Him Like A Cow

“It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them – squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.” – Steven, 23

No, no, those are tears of JOY, not complete agony. Grown men cry when they accidentally sit on their testicles, but go ahead and milk them like a cow and squeeze hard. Disclaimer: He will no longer be able to have children, but people this dumb really shouldn’t be reproducing anyway. Let’s chalk it up to natural selection.

4. Shove Coins In Your Vag

“Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.”

First of all, there is no such thing as clean loose change, that shit is permanently dirty and no amount of soap will change my mind. Also, what the actual fuck? I don’t even like when someone touches me with cold hands, much less freezing cold dirty metal in my vagina. And why coins?? Why can’t you just use ice??! Also? Okay, so you’re sitting there with freezing coins inside of you (outside only). And you just like, sit there? And he sits there? What is the point of this? What part of this is pleasurable?

5. Put On An Accent

“Put on an accent. Try one out the next time you slip under the covers and see how long you can go (get it?) without breaking out of it. Bonus points if you can nail multiple British accents.”

Ohhhh, so this explains the Lindsay Lohan thing. She read Cosmo and thought having an insane nondescript accent was very sexy to men. If you want to be as sexy as LiLo, do this.

6. Sext Him About His Dad

“Text This: Was that your hand rubbing my leg under the table or your dad’s? Here’s Why: Meeting the parents is always a biggie – it’s good to lighten the mood with a little flirty humor.”

Nothing is sexier or less awkward than insinuating his dad is trying to fuck you. Bonus points if Dad’s still married to his mom. You’ll be all, “ooooh your dad is hot and rubbing my leg,” and he’ll be all, “Wait what the fuck? WHAT happened? That is horrible, I’m so sorry!” and call his mom crying, and when you explain that you made it up, he will run from your crazy ass. So sexy and romantic.

7. Hide Someone Else In The Closet Without Telling Him

“Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner. Next time you have a friend over and your partner comes home, shove the friend in the nearest room/closet/any space that is out of sight but also close enough that it’s weird. Then get it on. It’ll be just like every other time except for the fact that someone is secretly there watching you/covering their ears.”

K, so this one is very, very illegal, also it sounds like you have kidnapped the friend and forced them to watch you have sex against their will, which must be some kind of sex crime. *Calls the Special Victims Unit* Love that they added that the traumatized friend is also covering their ears. What could be sexier than ruining your friend’s life and violating your partner’s trust?

Trapped In The Closet

Images: Giphy (4)