It’s that time of year again, friends. With the holidays approaching, you’re poised to buy gifts, head home, and barely tolerate spend time with loved ones for several days. If you’re bringing a significant other home with you, it can be challenging to find some alone time. And it definitely presents a dilemma. Do you get it on in your childhood bed? How many future holidays will you ruin if your parents happen to hear? Fortunately, our fellow publications have once again come through with some truly batsh*t sex advice, this time with a home for the holidays theme. Prepare to be bewildered.
1. Have A Holly Jolly Playlist
The close quarters and proximity to relatives already makes home for the holidays sex a bit of a buzzkill (unless you’re an exhibitionist, I don’t know your kinks). But the good people of POPSUGAR managed to find a way to make things even more awkward by suggesting “you crank those holiday tunes a little bit louder” to drown out any suspicious, um, noise. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not personally a huge fan of sex playlists, but I understand that with a non-tool playing DJ under the right circumstances it can work. What I can’t abide is the thought of getting it on to songs like “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Little Drummer Boy.” Not only am I drying up at the thought, this idea makes absolutely no sense. You mean to tell me that two people in a romantic relationship who have left the larger group to hang out behind a closed door blasting Christmas tunes will evoke no suspicion whatsoever? If anything, you’re pretty much guaranteed to hear an unwanted pa rum pum pum pum at said door.
2. Baby, It’s F*cking Cold Outside
For those who don’t want to risk scarring disturbing their family, there’s always the option of taking things outside the bedroom you grew up in. I would have suggested maybe the shower, but the authors at Life by LaserAway advise readers to “try having sex in a car or some bushes outside.” The car suggestion isn’t my favorite, but I’ll leave it alone because at least that’s an enclosed space. What I’m really baffled by is the casual suggestion of “some bushes outside.” Unless you live in a fairly warm climate year-round, it’s likely to be cold as Santa’s balls during the holidays. Even if you’re cool with vaginal frostbite, there’s the issue of a potential bush-induced rash or other irritation. Call me neurotic, but I don’t think this is what Musique meant when they sang “Push, push in the bush.”
3. Carol Of The Basement
If, like me, you’d prefer to keep your bush away from an actual bush this holiday season, you’ll need to get a little creative in terms of locale. Our friends at Today have the following suggestion: “Basements were made for make-outs and even though you haven’t used one for that reason in decades, there’s no reason not to start now.” I wouldn’t say no reason. There’s no place less sexy in a house to bone in than a dank basement. It’s an assault on the senses: the musty smells, the endless eyesores consisting of your boyfriend’s middle school soccer trophies and his mom’s workout equipment from the 80s, and the rug burn you’re sure to get from trying to maneuver on moldy carpet that was put down when Jimmy Carter was in office. Just me?
4. Rockin’ Around The Pantry
Rounding out the list of sh*tty places to bang when you’re desperate is this gem from the folks at Elite Daily: “This might sound crazy, but making out in the pantry is honestly really cute.” Cute isn’t quite the word I’d use, but sure. Unless you’re, I don’t know, Logan Roy, a pantry is barely going to fit a 4-year-old playing hide and seek, let alone two people f*cking. If we really want to get cute, we might as well add laundry hamper to the list! So adorable. I’m all for proximity to snacks, but the idea of a pantry pounding is just bonkers. Again, may I humbly suggest the shower?
5. Santa Claus Is Coming WHERE?!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have the jewel in the crown and the inspiration for this hard-hitting piece of journalism. Of course it comes from Cosmo, where sex tips are notorious for stretching the definition of “advice”: “If you are staying at someone’s house over the holidays and need to avoid certain seminal evidence, make the easiest masturbator ever by filling a plastic sandwich bag with lube. Put a sock around it for a better grip and stroke up and down your partner’s penis while they rub you. Afterward, seal it up then hide the living hell out of that baggie.” There are so many layers to this “tip,” and I mean literal layers. A plastic sandwich bag and a sock? What kind of f*cked up MacGyver sh*t is this? And if we’re gonna be this extra when it comes to the raw materials needed for this “masturbator,” where are the explicit instructions for disposal of this literal scumbag? Isn’t hiding it way riskier than throwing it out, because someone could find your cum-filled sock and sandwich bag? And you’re meant to hide it where, exactly—under the tree? This gives a whole new meaning to a gift from Santa’s sack.
Home for the holidays sex can be complicated, but there’s no need to be extra about it, unless frozen limbs and makeshift condoms are your thing. If so, godspeed. If not, just wait until everyone is asleep and keep quiet so as not to wake an unsuspecting relative. With that in mind, may your days be merry and your nights silent.
Images: Ian Schneider / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Hot take: masturbation isn’t rocket science. You don’t even need to orgasm to have an awesome solo sex sesh. But upping your game ain’t easy when the internet is full of stupid recommendations and masturbation myths that literally nobody asked for (me, I’m nobody). Let’s break down five of the worst masturbation tips that leading publications (that I won’t name because I don’t want to be blacklisted in the industry I work in) need to stop suggesting, along with a better alternative for each tip.
1. Clean Your Room First
You’ll have sex in a random f*ckboy’s car with McDonald’s cups and greasy napkins in the cupholders after you met him at the bar, but you need a clean room to masturbate? Lmao. “They” say doing this will help to promote a clearer headspace so you can just focus on your masturbation, but if your messy room is distracting you that badly, then it sounds like you need to reevaluate your cleanliness habits. Clean rooms are nice and all (probably, I wouldn’t know), but I promise you won’t feel too bad touching yourself next to the laundry you really should have put away a week ago.
Try instead: Take a hot shower, light some candles, read some erotica, and/or put on sexy songs to get yourself in the mood.
2. Watch Yourself
I don’t know about you, but I definitely don’t want to look at myself making ugly O faces when I masturbate, because then every time I hook up with someone I’m going to worry about whether or not I’m making the same ugly O face. I’ve had sex in front of mirrors before. It is not hot. TBH, it’s distracting and depressing. I mean, if your kink is getting off by watching yourself get off, then, by all means, do your thing. But you’re not gonna catch me rubbing one out in my mirror in an effort to get more turned on. I’ll be under the covers in the dark abyss of my bed where no one can see me.
Try instead: Close your eyes and focus on the pleasure you’re experiencing. Pay attention to what feels good, and let yourself make whatever faces and movements you’re going to make in the process without worrying about what they look like.
3. Stick A Finger In Your Ass At The Same Time
Some folks are into anal play, and that’s cool. If you only want anal stimulation when you masturbate, then go right ahead. But trying to finger your ass while your other hand stimulates your clit or penetrates your vagina at the same time probably won’t work too well. Sounds a lot like patting your head and rubbing your stomach, no? IDK, seems a little difficult. I’m not that talented or skilled at multitasking.
Try instead: Use a butt plug so you can score that added anal stimulation which, yes, can maximize your pleasure while focusing your energy on touching your clit, vagina, breasts, or other hot spots.
4. Don’t Jackhammer Your Clit
Um, DUH? When was the last time you were having sex and thought to yourself, “wow, I really like how this penis/dildo/hand is absolutely smashing against my very sensitive clit!” Probably never. We hate when our partners do this to us, so why the hell would we do it to ourselves? This is basic common sense.
Try instead: Do more of what you wish your partner was doing to your clit when you’re hooking up and less of what you wish they weren’t—whatever that means to you. Play around with different techniques, motions, pressures, speeds, and toys until you figure out what feels best.
5. Stand Or Squat
No and no. I don’t even do squats at the gym, so what makes you think I want to squat when I masturbate? I also don’t want to stand any more than I already have to throughout the day because #tired. Masturbation requires a little bit of effort and work. Let’s agree not to make this any harder than it already has to be.
Try instead: Kick back, relax, and enjoy. Grind your hips and thrust your pelvis into your hands, toys, or pillows, or switch up positions by laying on your stomach rather than on your back.
From one researcher and pleasure-seeker to another, I want all of us to have the best sex lives possible. Before you @ me and say “hey, if you hate these sex tips so much then why don’t you make your own roundup of tips instead of bashing others,” allow me to save you from wasting your precious time and energy! Go read my articles about the best sex toys to use with your partner, low-key ways to introduce kinks into the bedroom, and other orgasm myths we need to debunk with insights from sexperts and professionals.
The right tips are out there—you just gotta do some digging to find ‘em. Feel free to share your own pro tips in the comments below and save us all from the chaos that is the internet. Whatever you do, please don’t feel like you need to be an overachiever and do flips, tricks, squats, or shove things inside of you in order to have a successful masturbation sesh.
Images: Kristina Petrick / Unsplash; GIPHY (5)
I won’t lie—I fell into a pretty serious rabbit hole of bad sex advice while researching this. And somewhere around the Men’s Health column that called the vagina a “mysterious pleasure organ”, I came to the conclusion that men should be banned from the written word, but more importantly, that most bad sex advice has one thing in common: someone is severely overthinking it. I totally get it; from my research alone, I already feel I’ve exhausted all possible contortions of the human body. (I’m also obsessively Googling “how flexible is the average woman” but that’s neither here nor there.) But no matter how hard you’re trying to spice up your love life, some sex positions just aren’t worth it. Read on for my list of completely absurd positions you should never attempt (no matter how far into a 30-day “revive your relationship” challenge you are).
The View
“The View” was recommended by Cosmo and it’s like reverse cowgirl, but way harder (hooked yet?). Instead of JUST straddling your partner, you fully lie down. Now that you have some nice boob-on-calf action going (my fave), you’re meant to begin “pretty much twerking.” Yes, while lying down. And yes, this is “the view” the name of this sex position is referencing. That of your partner watching you desperately try to heave your ass a few inches into the air while all gravity and logic defies you. (You could sneak your hands and feet onto the ground for leverage, but that’s just a push up.) Basically, twerking standing up in a cool, dry room was already my nightmare. Twerking lying down naked with a dick inside me is a little much.
Yeah, I can’t do anything like this:
The Spider
You know when you see a spider and you’re like “ooh that’s hot, let’s name a sex position after it”? Well, the good people of Men’s Health have you covered. You and your partner crab walk toward each other until your genitals are appropriately entwined. Then you guys rock back and forth, while still balancing on your hands and feet. My main issue with this (other than the set-up it requires), is how very gently you’ll need to rock. If there’s a dick involved, it seems like more than a few inches would cause the whole thing to collapse. Also, Men’s Health cites one of the benefits of this position as “you both can still maintain eye contact.” Because who doesn’t love adding prolonged eye contact to some very controlled thrusting? At least the eye contact will make it easier for your partner to see the fear in your eyes.
Bonus: Women’s Health’s version of this recommends that you slide ice cubes down your partner’s torso. You know, so that the freezing water POOLS WHERE YOU MEET. This is the most traumatized I’ve been envisioning freezing water since the first time I saw Titanic.
X-Factor
You would kind of hope Women’s Health would have more realistic sex positions than Men’s Health, but here we are. X-Factor is missionary—now make it sexy terrible. Instead of aligning your bodies to have both heads in the same general area (way too boring, am I right), your partner lies on top of you so that you form the letter X. Since the important parts are still mashing together, I guess that’s where the sex is taking place. (Though with a P-in-V situation, I feel like either the P or V would need to have a significant curve.) This seems like a fun position for mouthing “how’s it going over there” as your partner valiantly strives to balance on top of you and all the blood rushes to their unsupported head. Also, if you’re only turned on by one side of your partner’s body, then this is the move for you. It doesn’t seem like a fun position for orgasms, avoiding chafing, or any other of my admittedly low-key sex goals.
Spread Eagle
This is just an even more fucked-up version of everyone’s favorite pile driver position. That’s where you assume the plow pose (ass up, legs overhead, uncomfortable amount of weight on your neck), and then your partner lowers down on said ass and bangs you from above. We’ve already mentioned the damage this is likely to do to your neck, but pause for a second and truly imagine it. In the Spread Eagle variation recommended by Refinery29, you spread your legs wide from this position. As a plus, you could definitely hurt yourself so badly that you’re not allowed to go to the gym for several months. And it does seem like a sick deal for the partner on top (Refinery29 notes that they don’t have to do “that much work, just hold up”). But the partner on the bottom who’s tearing both inner thigh muscles and slowly feeling their head separate from their body can’t be loving this.
Again, my body cannot do this:
Whatever you want to do in the bedroom is totally your right, obviously. But in the interest of safety and not being a complete fucking weirdo, probably skip the above sex positions. Good luck out there.
Images: Giphy (4); David Hofmann / Unsplash
