Wedding registries are something that, unfortunately, must be done. Obv, everyone would just love a fat stack of cash for their wedding, but Great Aunt Diane insists on getting an actual gift. So, here we are. Don’t get me wrong—brides and grooms would love for you to just write them a check. But, if there is a wedding registry and they need some shit, there are a few guidelines.
As a former bride, I can attest to the fact that some things on your wedding registry are there because your mom/future mother-in-law insisted you need it. Not all gifts are created equal. Here are the things to stay away from on the wedding registry if you want the super happy couple to be as happy about your gift.
1. Fine China
Plainly put, they won’t use this. Ever. It’s a waste of space. They’d be better off getting some interesting artisanal plates from a local potter or plate maker or whatever they’re being called these days.
If they’ve already been living together, they definitely have towels already. A few giant bath sheets are great if they’re on the registry, but don’t feel like you have to get them the ultimate towel set made from the finest hand-spun cotton from a country no one has heard of. They’ll survive. Plus, if they don’t get towels, it gives them a chance to have a happy couple visit to Bed, Bath and Beyond, the ultimate test of any marriage.
3. Crystal Vase Or Pitcher
Is this couple that bougie that they require a crystal vase to hold all of the freshly cut rare flowers that’ll be on display in their home? If they do, they can buy it themselves. Assholes. Same rules apply for the pitcher. If they have an option for a more reasonable and practical pitcher (like one that won’t get smudges all over it), go for that. How often are they going to use a goddamn crystal pitcher? Tell me that’ll be out every Saturday AND Sunday for mimosas and every weekday for freshly squeezed orange juice, and I’ll buy it for you.
4. Single Use Kitchen Items
I’m not buying a panini press, quesadilla maker, popcorn machine, or anything else off your wedding registry that does literally one thing. If you want popcorn, get the microwaveable kind like the rest of us. If you need quesadillas that badly, learn to make them in a fucking skillet. Trust me—the soon-to-be wed couple will not miss something that does one trick, then sits in the back of a pantry taking up space for the next 10 years.
5. Ice Cream Makers
Hey, you know what’s a pain in the ass? Making fucking ice cream. You know what’s a lot easier? Buying a few pints of Talenti and Breyer’s (or Halo Top if you’re a dieting betch) and going to fucking town. Yeah, you may think that having an ice cream maker will bring out your inner Ina Garten, but, you could be wrong.
6. Serving Platters
Everyone always ends up with too many fucking serving platters. I unknowingly put four on my registry, got all four, and now have roughly 10 because APPARENTLY I had six that I’d forgotten about. Oops. Do you know how many times I use and need 10 serving platters varying from cream-colored porcelain to slate board to polished drift wood? Not often. The most I’ve ever used at one time is six, which happened because I got drunk and made too many appetizers.
7. Weird Sex Stuff
Alright, look. Maybe it’s the really weird, overly sexual couple getting married. IDK, they’re your friends, not mine. But if they have the gumption to put some kind of weird sex toy or Kama Sutra book on their registry, do not be the one to buy it. What they do in the privacy of their sex dungeon bedroom is up to them. Besides, do you want to walk away knowing that it was your money that contributed to a sex injury when they attempted the flying dragon or the crouching lotus or some shit?
8. Throw Pillows
If you REALLY want to piss off the groom, get throw pillows. No man truly understands them, and having lots and lots of them on the bed sends the male species into a rage and confusion blackout. They’re really fucking pointless, but hey, at least they look nice.
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