The Bachelorette season premiere is nearly upon us, and there’s a lot we can already expect from Monday night’s episode. For one, Becca will say the words “let’s do the damn thing” no less than 12 times in the span of 120 minutes. It’s my personal recommendation that you turn that entire phrase into a drinking game to make it bearable. Just be careful not to die! We should also expect Arie and Lauren to drop another irrelevant wedding-related announcement before the opening credits clear the screen, lest they give Becca one goddamn minute to shine. But mostly we can expect that Becca will be testing my fucking sanity with her outfit choice. I think we can all confidently say that Becca was not our first choice for the Bachelorette (SEINNE, YOU WERE ROBBED), but I’ve personally been questioning ABC’s decision-making skills after watching Becca dress herself these past few months. I don’t know if it’s something in the Minnesota air or if she’s just high off of Arie hate-tweets, but she’s definitely feeling some sort of confidence about her Bachelorette style that is 100 percent unwarranted. And who would I be if I didn’t shed some light on her v flawed style choices? So, follow me, as we journey through Becca’s most heinous fashion choices to date.
1. The ‘Bachelorette’ Premier Dress
Let’s start with the least offensive garment she’s worn as of late: her Bachelorette premiere dress. Now, usually the Bachelorette wears red on night one, but Becca is making it clear here that OVER HER DEAD BODY WILL SHE BE LEAVING WITHOUT A GODDAMN FIANCE. At least, that’s what I’m assuming she was trying to say with this bedazzled wannabe bridal gown. I mean, is it smart to start off a first date with desperate marry-me vibes? Then again, Ashley I did teach us that acting like a psycho from the get-go might actually land you a man after he goes through literally every other woman first, so maybe it’ll work out for Becca? IDK. Though I don’t hate this dress with every fiber of my being, I’m definitely underwhelmed by it. It just doesn’t say “I’m ready to play with the hearts and emotions of 20 men” like I was hoping it would. That’s strike one, Becca!
2. The After The Final Rose Dress
So I know I’ll probably catch shit for this one in the comments section, well FINE. I’m still going to talk shit about this dress because principles. Becca wore this number during “After The Final Rose”. Not only was this the night she got to confront her ex, but also she met a few of her new suitors, and she chose to wear… this. The dress itself is fine. I mean, I make it a rule not to borrow outfits from my grandmother’s swing parties, but to each their own.
3. The ‘Bachelor’ Finale Dress
You have to think that the moment she walked down that hill wearing grandma’s gala dress, Arie took one look at her and knew he’d be sliding into Lauren’s DMs later. Tbh I don’t really blame him. First of all, wearing black lace over a cream overlay is a fucking crime against humanity and my eyeballs, and should be punished as such. Did she not know that the finale would be a live televised event in which I, and all of America, would be judging her from the comforts of our couch and sweatpants? Did she?? And if she thought I would take it easy on her just because I have queso stains on my PJ bottoms, am wearing a Buffy The Vampire Slayer shirt, and have literally no room to talk about style, she should have thought a-fucking-gain. Also, the goal here is to make the Bachelor want to marry you, to be so enraptured by your presence that he forgets he’s been banging another chick all week. Somehow I don’t think this prom dress she found in Deb’s clearance section makes the cut.
4. This Promo Outfit
I know, it’s like you want to look away but you just… can’t. When this abomination first graced my screen, I thought it was a practical joke. No way would ABC, a company that invests millions of dollars into the production of The Bachelorette, would allow the star of this season to promote the show dressed like she shops exclusively in Macy’s teen section. There’s just no fucking way. AND YET here she is wearing that disgusting lace jacket that’s making me question what the hell is going on in Minnesota for her to think making this her fashion statement was okay.
So hopefully in these next 10 or so weeks, Becca gets a new stylist who does not have a personal vendetta against her. I can only assume that’s what’s been going on. I’ll see all you betches every Tuesday, where I’ll be recapping The Bachelorette and hopefully not shading Becca’s every wardrobe choice. I just want the best for Becca, and that includes a wardrobe that does not solely consist of 2004’s greatest fashion hits.
I really thought the world was working towards becoming a better place in 2018. I mean, Oprah’s like basically our president now and Bring it On is on Netflix. It’s less than two weeks into the New Year, and this year is already exceeding my (ridiculous low) expectations. Except, I do have one serious bone to pick with 2018, and that’s the fact that we’re still letting ridiculous jean trends happen.
Even though I clearly told you guys to leave stupid jeans behind in 2017, the trend obviously isn’t slowing down anytime soon. Which is like, pretty shocking because I really thought that my sarcastic vaguely fashion-related ramblings really had a serious reach. Anyway, ASOS just rolled out the dumbest effing jeans I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I genuinely believe these are the worst ones yet. (And yes, I’ve seen those thong jeans.) These are so heinous that I wouldn’t even be into them if Rihanna wore them.
I have a lot of questions. The first, most obvious one is what the fuck? I’m not really sure what look is trying to be achieved here, other than “I may be down for some casual butt stuff,” but my first impression is that someone tried to resurrect an Abercrombie denim mini skirt by handcuffing it to some pants legs.
Secondly, why are these crotchless? What kind of underwear are you supposed to wear with these? I’ve finally warmed up to the idea of letting a Calvin Klein waistband sit over the top of your jeans, but this feels like we’ve lost all control of the human race. Am I weird for wondering if these are easier or more difficult to go to the bathroom in that regular jeans would be?
These jeans are apparently reworked Levi’s. They’re $119, which, at the risk of sounding like every uncle making fun of his niece’s ripped jeans, feels kind of steep for a pair of pants that literally shows your entire ass.
To be totally transparent, I will admit that in a moment when I’d obviously entered a questionable headspace, I did buy a pair of jeans similar to these from Forever 21. I know, I know. But, they don’t show my butt, crotch or any other body part that could potentially get me arrested for public indecency. I did try to track them down online to defend myself so you could buy them, too, but because Forever 21 is a total shit show, I can’t track them down. If you want them, you’re going to have to do it the old fashioned way and rip through dozens of racks of clothes that look promising but actually have “no fuckboys allowed” or french fries embroidered on the front.
You know when you look at old photos of yourself and think “ew, why did I wear that?” Normally this occurs a few years after you wear a fugly outfit, but let’s be proactive this year. Lots of 2017 trends were totally disgusting, and in the interest of shit talking, I don’t think I can wait a few years to talk about it. Here are the absolute worst fashion trends of this year.
1. Clear Boots
Sure, clear boots looked cool when Kim Kardashian rocked them, but have you ever tried these on? Your nasty sweaty feet will fog them up almost immediately. Whoever thought Saran-wrapping your feet and adding a four-inch heel was a good idea is seriously disturbed.
Aldo Oceani Boot
2. Clear Panel Mom Jeans
As if clear boots weren’t enough to make you question your personal hygiene, Topshop released a pair of clear panel mom jeans back in the spring. Apparently, sweaty kneecaps are the fashion industry’s latest attempt at ruining our lives. The worst part is, these things actually sold out. Judging all of you.
Topshop Clear Panel Mom Jeans
3. Balenciaga Platform Crocs
Balenciaga’s take on the already ridiculously heinous Croc design was so bad, I originally assumed they were only created to inspire memes. Maybe they were. IDK. Have fun looking like a redneck Bratz doll.
#Balenciaga X #Crocs? In 2017, the collab lives on. Here’s one for the linkers & builders https://t.co/9pdYbWoAix pic.twitter.com/ZUBBDr76zs
— SSENSE (@SSENSE) November 9, 2017
4. The RompHim
I guess douchey frat boys got tired of wearing khaki pants and Vineyard Vines shirts, so they designed this stupid male romper as a desperate cry for attention. It kind of worked, but they look absolutely insane, so I certainly wouldn’t consider this a win for them.
RompHim Black Chambray Male Romper
5. Kitten Heels
In the world of fugly shit, kitten heels aren’t exactly new. However, I’ll never pass up a chance to dump on heels that are two inches and shorter. Lower heels were definitely a thing this year, but a straight-up kitten heel will never be okay. Yuck.
Topshop Abba Pointy Toe Bootie
I’ve seen my fair share of ridiculously fugly scarves, and if you’ve ever been to a college football game, I’m sure you have too. However, I’ve never been offended enough by any of them to waste my precious energy venting about how stupid they look… until now. Zara has just released a new scarf and it is undoubtedly the dumbest cold weather accessory I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
First of all, this thing is called the “multiposition scarf,” which is the hands down STUPIDEST name you could ever give a long piece of fabric that you tie around your neck. Literally every single scarf in the world is capable of being “multiposition.” All you have to do is tie it differently. Zara, someone on your product development team was obviously high the day this got the green light. (Which like, is fine, just don’t let them name stuff.)
Zara Multiposition Knit Scarf
Even if this scarf had a totally acceptable name, nothing would change the fact that it’s just straight-up stupid. Look at it. Notice it has fucking sleeves. This is literally a long piece of knit material that you wrap around your neck and then put your arms through. I’m not usually the kind of person who worries, but this feels like an extreme choking hazard to me. I don’t care if Christian Grey himself put this scarf around my neck. I’m not wearing it like that.
Perhaps the worst part about this scarf is the likely fact that it’s a rip-off of another scarf just like it, but 10 times the price. We all know that half the shit from Zara is just a knock-off of clothing that’s more expensive, and I’m assuming this is no different. I would do some research to see what luxury designer is originally responsible for this mess, but I’ve already spent way too much time thinking about this monstrosity, and I’m ready to forget about it for good.
Let’s just hope Kim and Kanye don’t catch wind of this, or else they’re going to try to sell us the severed sleeves and hoodie of a Champion sweatshirt for three grand.