When it became April, idfk. Like, wasn’t it last week that we were all bitching about how January was, in fact, four months long? Here comes the sun, and with it, the last-minute panic as we all try to get our bods bikini ready after six months of eating our weight in cheese, carbs, and alcohol. The fine layer of fat we’ve built out of boredom for survival over the winter must now be shed. You’ll need to fucking sweat it out at the gym, but making some easy carb swaps when you’re stuffing your face can help, too.
Ditch Cereal For Bacon And Eggs
Sounds cray, but it’s for real. Cereals and granola packs on upwards of 60g of carbs, not to mention the added sugar. Best to start your day out with loads of protein, and having two strips of bacon plus two eggs clocks in at ONLY 1.3g of carbs. There may be more calories, but you’ll stay fuller longer and will, therefore, be happier.
Ditch Whole Grain Bread For Lettuce Wraps
Whole grain bread is like, semi-good for you, but two big leaves of lettuce have about 0.5g of carbs, whereas two slices of whole grain bread have about 19g. Swap that shit and feel healthy AF. Use the lettuce leaves for any sandwich item where you wanna ditch carbs. Tacos in lettuce! Burritos in lettuce! Salad in lettuce! The possibilities are endless.
Ditch Pasta For Zoodles
I realize that Italians everywhere are screaming in pain for this one, but either cutting your pasta portion in half or ditching it completely and using spiralized zucchini or spaghetti squash in its place is where you want to be. It really isn’t that bad, once you smother it in pesto, Bolognese, or marinara sauce. Plus, a whole zucchini only has about 10g of carbs compared to the normal 50g in a plate of spaghetti.
Ditch Mashed Potatoes For Mashed Cauliflower
Fun fact—if you puree cauliflower in a food processor, it takes on the consistency of mashed potatoes, minus the butter, cream cheese, sour cream, extra butter, etc. that you’re normally drizzling all over your side dish. Cauliflower has 29g of carbs PER HEAD, versus your run-of-the-mill 64g in ONE potato. Holy shit.
Ditch Fries For Roasted Veggies
No fucking brainer here. If you’re one of those people who buys or makes fries at home, fucking knock it off. Grab some fresh carrots or turnips, slice ’em up French fry style, and roast them with olive oil, salt, and pepper. You’ll get your crispy fix without the 30g of carbs attributed to a bunch of French fries. Also, you’ll be healthier and, therefore, cooler.
Ditch Buns For Mushrooms
It’s okay if you’re gagging at the thought of a mushroom burger, but it’s honestly not a horrible swap. According to Eat This Not That, swapping out the burger bun for the portobellos will cut carbs AND save you the blood sugar spike that usually comes with eating white bread.
Ditch Breadcrumbs For Almonds
If your recipe calls for crisped breadcrumbs to add a crunch, swap them out for ground almonds. The almonds have a boatload more protein and minimal carbs but still get you the crunch you need for whatever you’re making.
Ditch Rice For Grated Cauliflower
Head to the freezer aisle for “riced” cauliflower, which sounds super gross but is only shitty if you don’t flavor it. If you’re craving a plate of Thai curry over top fluffy rice, swap in the cauliflower. Since there’s so much nuanced flavor in Asian dishes, using the cauliflower as a base won’t bother or distract you as much as it would if you were eating it alone.
Images: Giphy (4)
There comes a time in every betch’s life when instead of actually breaking and baking the cookies from the refrigerated log, she just digs into the cookie dough with a spoon—and you’re lying if you say you’ve never done this. I mean, this is literally the reason Dō exists and has a 3-hour line that wraps around the block.
In case your mom didn’t
If you must eat a package or bowl of cookie dough, make it yourself, sans salmonella or 3-hour line. We have the technology, if you can call it that. What a time to be alive.
- 2 cups of all-purpose flour
- 1 cup dark brown sugar
- 1 cup butter, unsalted, softened
- 2 tbsps whole milk
- 2 tsps vanilla
- 1 tsp salt
- 2/3 cup chocolate chips or chocolate chunks
Time to get our shame-eating on. First, put on sweatpants, remove all makeup, and put hair in your 90s scruncie.
Next, preheat the oven to 350F. This next part is gonna sound weird, but trust us: take the flour and spread it out on a baking sheet. Bake it for 5 minutes. This will make the flour taste less, well, like baby powder and more like, um, slightly browned baking stuff.
Next, beat the flour in a large bowl with the sugar, butter, milk, vanilla, and salt. Once the mixture is combined, add in your chocolate chips or chunks. EAT WITH A SPOON. Try not to think about the life choices that have led you to this point.