It’s no secret that dating in this day and age is one long waking nightmare challenging. Keeping the faith can be hard when you find yourself being ghosted by yet another f*ckboy whose overconfidence is in direct proportion to his staggering mediocrity. So when you get to the point where you’re looking for outside advice, the hope is that it will be hopeful and/or helpful. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, and we feel it’s our sworn duty here at Betches to expose the advice that is egregiously awful. Read on for the worst dating advice of 2019.
1. Asinine Astrological Assumptions
I have to start by saying that I love astrology and use my sign to justify the worst parts of my personality many of my decisions. Gotta love Scorpio season! That said, astrology, and especially sun signs, cannot be used to make generalizations about an entire population. But that didn’t stop our friends at Refinery29 from doing exactly that with a piece describing what all Tauruses are like in bed. The article claims that because Tauruses are more in touch with their sense of smell, “if you smell bad, you’re not going to get it on with a Taurus.” Wouldn’t we all agree that smelling good is a prerequisite for… all of us? The article goes on to advise the reader to moisturize, of all things, “because Tauruses might be turned off by dry or leathery skin.” I guess now I can blame the dry (see what I did there?) spell I had for the better part of 2013 on my eczema. Lastly, the reader is urged to cook “a meal…(especially while wearing lingerie).” Okay, so in order to bag a bull I need to wear perfume, moisturize, and cook dinner in my lingerie. In other words, advice I could have gotten from any remotely heterosexual male of any astrological sign. Grool.
2. To Catch A Curator
On the heels of Jennifer Lawrence’s recent marriage to Cooke Maroney, Elle is now advising its readers to date Curators. If you’re wondering WTF that means, a Curator is described as “he kind of guy you can discuss post-humanism with over pizza, who comments on the decor while ordering you a cab but letting you split the bill.” Hot. Personally, this just sounds like a cheaper and slightly more pretentious version of every tool I’ve ever dated. To make matters worse, their “sensitivity” does not save them from their inevitable fate as trash: “A Curator may still ghost you, but it’s probably because he’s doing something legitimately interesting with his time, like scouting in the foothills of the Himalayas.” So it’s okay for a guy to bail on you in the name of “art”? GTFO.
3. Moonlight As Your Crush’s Personal Assistant
When you do come across someone you don’t immediately hate on sight like, it may be difficult to summon the courage to let them know. I don’t profess to be a professional pickup artist, but I’m pretty sure that the following advice from Glamour on how to tell your crush you like them might leave the person on the receiving end wondering if you’re vying for a spot on their payroll:
“5. Notice when their glass is empty, and always offer to fill it up or get them another.
- Offer to hold their purse/bag/coat/cup.
- Remember what their drink is without having to ask. Order it for them.
- Offer to drive them to the airport.
- Assume they want coffee and bring them one. Learn how they take it first.”
Don’t get me wrong. Thoughtfulness is next to godliness in my book, but you should not have to go out of your way to do someone’s chores to get them to like you. I legitimately had to check the date this article was published. Surely, the 1950s? Nope, 2019.
4. Link Up On LinkedIn
Cosmo is known for some pretty ridiculous sex and dating advice, and we’ve certainly covered them here before, but this latest nugget of dating wisdom deserves mention. Let’s start with the title: “LinkedIn Is The Best Platform To Slide Back Into Your Ex’s DMs.” As a threshold matter, it’s rarely advisable to reconnect with an ex. If it didn’t work out the first dozen times, attempting to reconnect, regardless of the platform, starts to look like the living embodiment of the definition of insanity. It’s also really transparent. Unless you work in the same industry as your ex and could credibly network with them for a job opportunity, testing the waters with a LinkedIn message when you could just as easily text them with the number you already have is hardly subtle, and frankly, kind of bizarre. If you’re using LinkedIn because, like the author of the article, “you’re probably blocked on everything else,” perhaps you ought to take some time to work on yourself instead of trolling for men on a professional networking platform. Just a thought.
5. Settle Into Settling
If you are lucky enough to find someone you’re serious about, you may have doubts about whether he or she is “the one” and what it means to settle. Earlier this year, Refinery29 published a piece that I hoped would upend the false notion that comfort and security equal “settling” and that one must pursue a relationship that thrives on “butterflies” and insecurity. Instead, the article seems to promote settling for a connection completely devoid of any spark in order to avoid being alone: “I didn’t settle for the first person that came along, but I am so glad that in my 30s I’m not out there looking for someone, going on dates with strangers, and so on.” While your perfect mate may not end up being who you thought they’d be, a baseline level of connection should not be compromised out of fear. A relationship will never be exciting all of the time, but it should always be fulfilling. If the premise of the article is to be believed, we can all give up this dating game altogether and bring blowup dolls with us to dinner. So inspiring!
Advice, however well-intentioned, is usually subjective and not universally applicable. As we’ve seen today, it can sometimes be downright dumb. Do what works for and feels right to you and leave the rest where you found it. Any other gems I missed? Please sound off in the comments!
Images: Hian Oliveira / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
Thanksgiving—or, as I like to call it: Dinner in Hell—is nearly upon us, which means soon not only will you have to pretend to like your mother’s gluten-free stuffing, but you’ll also have to put up with the black cloud that descends upon your family dinner table once a year in the form of your nosiest and most racist relatives. Gotta love the holidays! There’s nothing quite like trying to shove a second slice of pie down your throat while also having to explain to Aunt Sally that, yes, you’re still single and
getting ghosted by a guy who works at Radio Shack thriving. Luckily for you betches, I may have found a way for you to come armed to the emotional waterboarding party with some crazy material to f*ck with your Aunt Sally and any other relative who likes to hold the rolls hostage until you divulge your five year plan. And it comes in the form of 1950s dating advice.
Yes, 1950s dating advice. You see, the other day I was messing around on the internet and avoiding answering any emails that would require me to actually do something to earn my paycheck, when a friend sent me the most hilarious and batsh*t article I’ve seen in awhile (shout-out to @ Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet for always coming through with the best internet trash!). Apparently, a woman randomly found a women’s magazine from 1958 with a cover story on “129 Ways To Find A Husband.” The 1950s dating advice ranges anywhere from “mildly frowned upon” to “I’m calling the goddamn police,” so naturally all 129 pieces of wild advice was posted onto the internet for the public to judge and ridicule. I encourage everyone to read the article in its entirety because it’s absolute GOLD, but since I don’t have all day to sit here and individually mock every piece of advice, I’m just going to list my favorites, mmkay?
“Read the obituaries to find eligible widowers.”
I know this seems aggressive to start out with, but this was literally #6 on the list. NUMBER SIX!! I don’t know what’s more suspicious: that ladies back in the day were showing up to other women’s funerals dressed like they’re about to sock hop right over their competition’s dead bodies to sleep with their newly singly husbands, OR that there were enough funerals happening for this to be commonplace advice. Either way, I’m
disturbed afraid to ask my grandma.
“Dropping the handkerchief still works.”
Here I was thinking Elle Woods was ahead of her time, when really betches have been perfecting the bend and snap since 1958. I prefer to emotionally masturbate over texts my ex sent me at 3am instead of using dating ploys that might physically and emotionally put myself out there, but, hey, to each their own.
“Wear a Band-Aid. People always ask what happened.”
Lol clearly the person who wrote this has never spent any time with the New York subway system. I’ve literally seen people sitting in their own feces ride from Bushwick to Midtown without a single person asking them “are you okay” or even “do you need me to call you an ambulance,” let alone actually hitting on them. I’m just saying.
“Don’t room with a girl who is a sad sack and let her pull you down to her level.”
First of all, I am the sad sack in the group and I find that statement personally offensive. I may or may not have earned the nickname “Moaning Myrtle” from my friends because instead of blacking out and taking home a hot stranger, I prefer to black out and request the DJ play “Wrecking Ball” while weeping into my vodka cran. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A FUN TIME, OKAY.
“Go to all reunions of your high school or college class. There may be widowers there.”
Jesus. Again with the widowers. Though, if we’re being honest, this does feel like the most relatable piece of advice. Not the widower thing, but the part about the reunion being a good place to
make a romantic connection get laid. But instead of trying to bang the hot widower, it’s more like you’re trying to bang the hot boyfriend of the girl who told you gold hoops were her thing.
“Don’t be afraid to associate with more attractive girls; they might have some leftovers!”
Okay, wow. Reading this doesn’t at all make me want shove my head in an oven. I guess the people behind this list are trying to say that attractive people will be able to set you up with guys?? Lol. I don’t have one friend, attractive or otherwise, who has set me up with anything less than 2018’s Quasimodo. PLEASE.
“If he’s rich, tell him you like his money—the honesty will intrigue him!”
This is assuming that you can find a single, attractive guy whose net worth amounts to more than a six pack of Bud Light. Considering the last eligible man I encountered was the human equivalent of a crumpled bag of Doritos, I’m not optimistic that those men are even real. BUT assuming you can find one, then Venmo yourself $1,500 when you’re putting your number in his phone. Just to show him you’re serious!
And, finally, my personal favorite….
“Stand in the corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over to find out what’s wrong.”
Funnily enough, this is actually my
strategy for dating state of being after 1am, and I can’t say that it’s gotten me anything other than a wide f*cking berth from the male gender. Except from the bouncers who like to come over and tell me I’m “killing the vibe.”
So there you have it, Aunt Sally. I’ll be doing my part this year by crying in the corner more often. Now, can you do your part and stop tagging me in Facebook posts about when you should give up and freeze your eggs? Thx.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)
Don’t lie and say you haven’t binge watched dozens of TV shows. From those shows, you’ve definitely learned your fair share of good and bad dating advice. Characters like Ross and Rory can teach you what not to do in a relationship and avoid being the “Divorce Force.” Here is a list of the worst dating advice from our favorite TV shows. Yes, it’s the ones you love that can do the most damage sometimes.
The Lesson: Marrying someone when you’re in love with someone else
In all honesty, I could write an entire article about the shitty relationship advice given by Ross Geller alone. But in my opinion, the absolute worst dating advice that was shown in Friends would be Ross marrying Emily while still being in love with Rachel. To prevent you from saying the wrong name at the altar (or getting another divorce), don’t take Ross’ advice and marry someone if you are in love with someone else as well.
The Lesson: Don’t change what you look like for a guy (or act like an idiot).
Another Friends reference, and I’m not even sorry. This time, surprisingly, it doesn’t have to do with Ross. After Chandler made a comment about Monica’s weight one Thanksgiving as teenagers, she lost it all and made Fat Monica a thing of the past. That’s the first example of the worst dating advice from this episode. Second example of bad dating advice is Rachel’s technique to get Chandler to like Monica. She tells her to act like everything turns her on. This inevitably results in Monica looking like an idiot and Chandler losing a portion of his toe. So what did we learn, class? Don’t change your appearance just to please a guy and don’t take your friend’s advice to act like an idiot.
3. ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’
The Lesson: Know when your relationship is over.
Like Ross, Larry definitely isn’t the one to model your relationship behaviors after. The worst dating advice he gave on his TV show came in the form of his inability to let go of his ended marriage. Larry casts his ex-wife in a TV show he is producing in efforts to win her back. It wasn’t a great idea for Larry, and it shouldn’t be something you try at home, either. To be fair, sometimes getting back with your ex is a good idea. For me and my boyfriend (who was once an ex), “if at first, you don’t succeed, date again” is our motto, but that defs doesn’t work for everyone. If your relationship isn’t working, call it quits and don’t try to win them back if there is no hope.
4. ‘Sex and the City’
The Lesson: Men cheat because they can (and are the same as dogs).
In the wise words of Samantha, “Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls: because they can. It’s part of their biology. Instead of wasting all this energy condemning it, maybe it’s time we all got in line with the reality of the situation.” Well, that’s
partially not true. Samantha’s excuse for why men cheat is not okay. Men who cheat are assholes. Don’t compare them to cute dogs, and don’t excuse sh*tty behavior with some half-baked biological excuse—men are already doing enough of that on PUA subreddits.
5. ‘Gossip Girl’
The Lesson: Dating a guy after he spreads your secrets
*Major Spoiler Alert Warning* Even though Serena knew that Dan was the one who spread all her secrets across her high school, she still dated him. Major red flag! Gossip Girl was essentially just talking sh*t about everyone, including his girlfriend. That’s not okay!!! If a guy talks shit about you behind your back (or publicly online), end it ASAP. That is probably the worst dating advice Serena could ever tell anyone —“Oh, yeah he spread a rumor that I had an STD but it’s okay, I still love him.”
6. ‘Gilmore Girls’
The Lesson: Don’t drag your boyfriend along when you’re interested in someone else.
Rory is undoubtedly a smart girl, but when it comes to relationships, she definitely isn’t top of her class. When she was still with Dean, she was majorly crushing on Jess. She let her relationship with Dean go on and on and on until he inevitably broke up with her because he knew she was in love with Jess. Don’t be like Rory (in this sense). Do your guy a favor and don’t string him along when you are interested in someone else. It’s just plain rude.
Images: Giphy (2)