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Getting dressed nowadays is literally the bane of my existence. Considering that I actually wore some form of athleisure everyday for the last 3 years (thanks, COVID) I genuinely don’t know how to dress my body anymore. It’s gotten to the point where, if I have to go to a wedding, I have to try on 20 dresses before I find one that either A) fits properly or B) looks like I’m from this century.
It doesn’t help that what’s in style right now is, like, actually made for teenagers. While I may be suffering a major menty B given the fact that I’m about to turn
29 again 30, I’m certainly not old. And, because of that fact, I desperately want to be the hot aunt that shows up to every family event with the ~chicest~ wardrobe.
The problem? Since having the luxury of wearing sweatpants to business meetings (they were on Zoom, ok?) I refuse to sacrifice comfort. Luckily, I have a few secrets up my sleeve to make looking good look effortless, even though it’s absolutely the furthest thing from it. Also just fair warning, I wouldn’t recommend using these things if you’re headed somewhere romantic because they’re just about the least sexy things I own. And while they may not be cute, they’re effective.
Nipple Covers For Anything See-Through
Listen,I love the the free the nipple movement in theory. But quite frankly, it’s just not for me. You can use these nipple covers for everything—especially that one white dress we all have that you can literally see your areola through. Bonus points for the fact that they come in 5 different skin tones.
Shop it: Nippies Nipple Cover, $26.50, Amazon
A Backless Bra For All Those Summer Dresses
While we’re on the topic of nipples, I live for a good pair of sticky boobs. I know they look just like a chicken cutlet, but it’s the only kind I’ll wear that doesn’t just fall (or sweat) right off. Plus, FWIW, I feel like the cutlet texture makes your boobs look more natural.
Shop it: Niidor Adhesive Bra, $28.99, Amazon
This Anti-Chafe Stick So The Only Friction In Your Day Is Discussing Politics At Dinner
There’s nothing in this world more unsexy than the waddle you do when chafing in a sundress on a hot day. This shit works harder than Kris Jenner setting up PR stunts.
Shop it: Megababe Thigh Rescue Lotion Anti-Chafe Stick, $13.99, Target
The Perfect Shapewear You Can Wear Anywhere
I’m not kidding when I say I legit wear this as a tank top. You can’t see through it and it looks so good just with a pair of jeans or denim shorts. I love that it sucks me in at all the right places without feeling like I have to wear a legit girdle. It’s giving SKIMS on a budget.
Shop it: SHAPERX Bodysuit, $37.99, Amazon
Cushions That Make Even Your Highest Heels Look Easy
Being told to buy these foot cushions was best wedding advice I ever got. Forget about “not going to bed angry,” because there’s a lot less of a chance I’ll be angry if my feet aren’t killing me by the end of the night. I swear you won’t even know they’re there.
Shop it: Walkize Metatarsal Pads, $16.99, Amazon
These Psychotic-Looking Makeup Stain Protectors
If you’ve ever had the pleasure of already being 15 minutes late to event just to throw on a dress and get a makeup stain (which leads to changing again) this product is for you. I’m a “get dressed last” kind of girl and I’m not being dramatic when I say these things save lives.
Shop it: Betty Dain Makeup Protector Hood, $6.99, Amazon
Deodorant For Legit Everywhere
I know you’d like to think you don’t stink, but chances are you probably do. It’s okay, I’m not judging—I do too. That’s why this ~everywhere~deodorant has become my go-to. Because when they say everywhere, they mean everywhere. Pits and privates included. I no longer smell like a hot yoga room.
Shop it: Lume Whole Body Smooth Solid Deodorant Stick, $14.99, Target
Full-Ass Underwear For Under A Sundress
You’re totally going to fight me on this one, but I’m telling you, there is no comfort quite like a granny panty under a flowy dress. You can stop worrying that the whole world is going to see your ass if the wind blows a little too hard. These are my faves because they give a little tummy control, too.
Shop it: Maidenform Flexees Women’s Shapewear Hi-Waist Brief, $36, Amazon
Feature image credit: Mizuno K on Pexels
As a bride, your wedding is your time to shine. It’s the ultimate attention grab. All eyes are on you. Everything you say, everything you do, and each and every item you wear, from the shoes to the bracelets, will be judged and documented. No pressure! That being said, you obviously need to look at weddings dresses that will wow everyone—even Aunt Diane (she’s so sassy). Because you can’t be outright exposed on your wedding day (I mean like, you cannnn but you’ll probably regret that see-through corset dress in 10 years), opting for a backless dress is a great way to say, “I’m settling down, but I’m still hot AF.”
Okay, before you crucify me: Go ahead and bare it all on your special day, but don’t come crying to me when you look back on your wedding photos in 10 years and think, “Wow, I should have listened to that Betches article back in 2019.” Anyway, we rounded up some sexy backless wedding gowns for every bride, whether you’re princess-obsessed, hipster-chic, or somewhere in between.
Sarah Seven Sunset Forever Gown, $3,000
If you’re going for a Meghan Markle vibe on your big day and there’s a chance it’ll be cold, this Sarah Seven dress is a great option. It’s simple, making it easier to accessorize with major bling (is bling still a thing?) or downplay with simple jewels and hair. Lace haters, this is a gown for you.
BHLDN Kenna Gown, $800
Are you into piña coladas and
getting caught in the rain flamenco dancing? At only $800, this very different, slightly out-of-the-box hip-hugging backless dress from BHLDN is a great choice for spring brides. It’s flirty, it’s cute, and it’s unique enough to make you feel like you aren’t just another basic bride in a white gown. Praise be. Plus, it has the whole cold-shoulder trend going for it, which I personally detest, but can acknowledge is super popular.
Watters Frasier Gown, $2,400-$3,120
If you want lace on lace on tulle and the flirtiest, girliest dress of all time, Watters has it for you with the Frasier Gown. It’s a little on the pricier side, hovering around $3k, but I assume that’s because the materials are like, very nice. And don’t let the romantic look fool you. This dress offers a very deep V in front with an illusion neckline. It’s romantic yet daring, which I’m strangely into.
Catherine Deane Killian Gown, $2,350
I feel like this dress is a backless gown that won’t scare your conservative relatives. The soft chiffon sleeves seem like a pretty perfect choice for a spring wedding, but we could see them working nicely for an
artsy fartsy boho-chic-hipster winter wedding, too. This dress also isn’t form fitting, so you can chug beer and shove appetizers into your mouth without worrying if your Spanx are going to hold up. Trust me, as someone who’s been there, this is a legitimate concern on your wedding day.
BHLDN Sabrina Gown, $3,995
This dress reminds me of those crochet cover-ups I wear to the beach when I’m trying to be cool—in a good way. Because of that, it seems like it’d be ideal for your summer wedding set on some private shoreline. Deep V in the front, deep V in the back, and a fluffy skirt. This one probably requires a lot of boob tape, though, which is something to consider before dropping almost $4k.
Watters Lotus Gown, $2,495-$3,244
Do you want to have a gown that’s backless, sideless, and form fitting? Look, I certainly do not have the body to pull this off, but if you’re confident you can rock it, and want something crazy chic, this is the dress for you. You will hands down be the hottest bride out of all your friends. Would I recommend this dress in the winter? Probs not, but do you.
Maggie Sottero Milan Jumpsuit, $1,500-2,500
Holy sh*t, do you want to wear a jumpsuit to your wedding? You should. Get one with a low back and lace so you won’t feel like you’re in just any regular jumpsuit that you’d wear to brunch. This Maggie Sottero jumpsuit screams, “I’m a modern, boss bitch,” while still saying “I like cute things.”
Images: Shutterstock; Sarah Seven; BHLDN (2); Watters; Catherine Deane; Enaura; Maggie Sottero.