Well, friends, we did the impossible. After 11 weeks, two Bachelorettes, and one global pandemic, we’ve made it to the finale! Tayshia is down to her final two three men. As per usual, Chris Harrison is doing the most in his intro voice-over:
Chris Harrison: Will she get engaged to her soulmate, or will she DIE A LONELY OLD SPINSTER?!
Damn, Chris. I know we’re living in the time of COVID, but there are other men on this planet if she decides she’s not into these guys!
We pick up where we left off, with Tayshia having a sidebar with a producer. She’s being filmed behind some blinds after being blindsided by Ben. You gotta love the producers’ commitment to imagery and metaphors on this show. They had to get them where they could, because lord knows Ivan wasn’t going to liken love to his testicles morphing into icicles on his fantasy suite date. Ben is sitting awkwardly on Tayshia’s couch. He says that by looking at Tayshia’s eyes, he sees there’s more under there. Kind of a strange way to point out under-eye bags, but Ben’s never really had a way with words. I guess it beats the alternative I’m used to getting:
Who can relate?
Ben’s talking a lot about his “love” for Tayshia, but isn’t really saying much. When Tayshia pushes back and asks him if he’s always going to run when things get hard, his response is, “I blew it”. Accurate, but not promising! Instead of sticking with her gut and sending him home for a second time, SHE INVITES HIM TO THE ROSE CEREMONY! They then walk out together, hug, and Tayshia initiates a very passionate kiss. Who knew she was a sucker for a moose knuckle?! While I definitely don’t agree with her decision, I can’t wait to see Zac and Ivan’s reactions when Ben rolls up to the rose ceremony.
The Rose Ceremony
Ivan walks into the rose ceremony with the pre-elimination confidence that has become a hallmark of this show. Feeling the pressure from the producers for not delivering the required love similes on the ice bucket date, he offers the consolation prize of saying it feels awesome to be “open” and “vulnerable” (or “vonurble”, as Tayshia would say). Not for long, buddy. Zac says he’s ready for a proposal. Ben walks in with a goofy grin on his face, as if he expects Ivan and Zac will be happy to see him. I think Bennett gave the book about emotional intelligence to the wrong guy.
Ben:
Ivan & Zac:
Like many people who’ve gotten dumped, Tayshia proceeds to explain Brendan’s absence by saying “it just didn’t work out.” Control that narrative, girl! She’s about to start handing out roses but then stops and asks Ivan if they can go talk. Ivan’s face says he knows what’s coming next. They then have a cryptic talk about religious differences, but give no specifics about said differences. Is Ivan a Scientologist? That’s the only legitimate theory I can come up with for this abrupt dismissal.
All kidding aside, it may be that Ivan is atheist or agnostic. Tayshia has always been open about her devout Christian beliefs, so it’s possible this is the reason she sent Ivan home. It’d be a shame if that were the only reason she eliminated him, but, let’s face it, she’s been favoring Brendan and Zac for weeks. Given the honest conversations Tayshia and Ivan had about race, it seems strange, and frankly frustrating, that ABC isn’t allowing an unfiltered exchange about religion. Then again, this is ABC we’re talking about, so maybe that’s asking for too much. Ivan takes the elimination in stride like the angel he is. Love you, Ivan! See you in Paradise.
Ben Meets The Family
The next day we catch up with Tayshia writing in her burn book journal. She meets up with her family and I remember how much I enjoyed Tayshia’s dad, Desmond, eviscerating Colton when Tayshia was competing on his season. Like most viewers, Desmond doesn’t have time for BS. Tayshia tells her family that they’ll be meeting Ben, whom she had previously sent home. Desmond is understandably skeptical and wants some answers. This is gonna be good.
Ben meets with Tayshia’s mom, Rosario, first and keeps talking about how he’s never felt this way before, and the way Tayshia makes him feel, yet he can’t seem to identify the feeling(s) in question. Everything he says is surface-level and there’s no real substance to any of it. It seems like Ben is in love with the idea of love, more so than Tayshia specifically. It doesn’t go much better with Desmond.
Desmond: What do you see in Tayshia?
Ben:
Ben also tells Desmond about how he and Tayshia talked about “showing up” for Tayshia. Does he think that physically coming back after being sent home is what showing up means? She meant showing up for her emotionally, Ben!
Zac Meets The Family
The tone of Zac’s meeting with the family is completely different. Instead of making his answers all about him and his feelings, he expresses his love for Tayshia by showing love to her family. He even seems to win over Desmond, who says he’s going to be tough on Zac. Instead of saying the things he thinks Desmond wants to hear, Zac is honest about his failed marriage and is able to reflect on his past mistakes, even weaving in a reference to the standards Desmond has set and how Zac wants to live up to them.
I gotta give it to Zac; he is incredibly authentic and eloquent. He talks about marriage with Tayshia like it’s a real thing that’s going to happen, not some abstract idea like Ben does when he broaches the subject. Zac is making my job as snarky recapper very difficult, but he totally won me over — until he started pretending he was an authentic New Yorker with that whole pizza charade. Zac, you’re from South Jersey! Rep some hoagies like the Philly boy you are and cool it with the tired NYC cliches.
No one:
Zac:
The next day Tayshia hears a knock at her door. Fearing that Bennett has gone full American Psycho, she reluctantly answers. It turns out to be her dad, which isn’t a much better sign. He tells her that the family doesn’t want her to make the biggest mistake of her life by rushing into another marriage. Tayshia starts to break down recounting how her dad was there for her in the throes of her divorce. It was raw and one of her realest moments thus far. She’s starting to have doubts.
Zac & Tayshia’s Date
On their date, Zac reassures Tayshia that he’s ready to take the next step, but Tayshia seems skeptical. Damn, Desmond really got to her! They find out that their date is to learn a wedding dance routine and Tayshia looks about as excited as Brendan did when he met Neil Lane to try on wedding jewelry. Gotta love karma. She keeps getting in her own head and is struggling to relax into the dance moves. Zac is patient with her and they actually pull off a sweet little routine. I’m honestly impressed they learned that in one lesson. It took me and my husband about two months to put together a solid first dance. Respect.
Later that evening they have a casual night in, and Tayshia is honest about her fears that Zac’s feelings will change. He tells her that he is nine years sober today and that his sobriety allows him to not run away and that he’ll love her no matter what she decides to do with her life. Ok, why am I crying in the club right now? And by “in the club” I mean “on my couch”.
Tayshia seems convinced, and frankly, so am I. It’s one of the most authentic exchanges we’ve ever seen on this show and it’s nice to see a couple talk about real-life issues for a change. “I think she believes in me,” Zac says, and I start to tear up. WTF is happening? Is this show…actually making me feel genuine human emotion?
Me watching this season of The Bachelorette:
Ben & Tayshia’s Date Breakup
When Ben meets up with Tayshia “the next day”, she is wearing the same tragic denim number she was wearing when her dad came to talk to her. So she’s either running out of wardrobe options in quarantine or there’s a bit of a continuity issue here and she went to dump Ben after talking to Desmond. She tells Ben that her heart is with Zac and, as usual, Ben looks like a deer in headlights. He takes it pretty well, albeit with way too many “umm”s, and says he’s happy for her. I do feel bad for Ben. He’s a sweet guy and he deserves to find love, but he needs to work through some of his issues with self-worth before jumping into a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. We’re rooting for you, Ben!
The Big Day
It’s engagement day! Tayshia and Zac are getting ready and Neil Lane is back to shill his gaudy rings. Zac looks handsome in his blue suit. Tayshia meets up with Chris Harrison and the exchange is kind of odd. She says she questions if she’s ever been in love until now and then bursts into tears that don’t really look happy. Even Chris seems confused.
Chris: What is going on?
Tayshia:
The proposal set-up is kind of a hot mess. The area rug from the Airstream trailer fantasy suite isn’t helping. Tayshia tells us she feels stressed, overwhelmed, and scared. So basically all of the things one should be feeling right before getting engaged after knowing someone for 30 seconds. She says she doesn’t know if she’s doing the right thing. I’m a little concerned. Is she feeling the pressure of not wanting to disappoint ABC and the fans given the whole Clare debacle?
Things improve when Zac arrives. His engagement speech is really personal and from the heart. It’s undoubtedly the best one I’ve ever heard on this show or The Bachelor. Tayshia starts her speech and after telling Zac that she knows she told him she loved him, takes an extremely long, producer-suggested pause. I admit they got me for a second and I was scared she was bolting. But she continues and tells Zac she wants to jump in fountains all over the world with him and star in endless FabFitFun endorsement deals together. He gets down on one knee and she says yes! Like the true New Yawkah he is, he yells “TAXI!” and the two ride off Flintstone-style into the desert sunset in a cardboard cab the way god and Chris Harrison intended.
And there we have it! Unfortunately (or fortunately, given the endless hours of our lives ABC takes each year) we have no After the Final Rose to catch up with Tayshia and Zac, but it looks like they’re still going strong. This was an excellent season with some of the most mature and authentic men we’ve ever had. Keep it up, ABC! Thanks for joining me this week, guys, and congratulations to the happy couple!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (2); Giphy (6)
Well, everybody, we’ve made it to the final week of The Bachelorette. In keeping with the “unprecedented times”, ABC is breaking protocol and giving us fantasy suites and the finale in the same week. I’d like to think this is a gift to us for having to put up with Clare’s therapy sessions masquerading as dates, but we know better: they have to keep things moving in time for the premiere of Matt’s season. I’ll be filling in for my esteemed colleague Ryanne this week, so please be gentle in the comments. Let’s get to it!
We begin with Tayshia discussing the importance of the fantasy suite dates and her confidence in the final three. We then cut to Ivan, Brendan, and Zac being forced to sit together and allude to their potential future as eskimo brothers. It’s awkward AF and will be a running theme throughout the episode. Meanwhile, Tayshia has a forced Bachelorette synergy “girl chat” with JoJo. They’re really trying to make JoJo happen, huh? Despite Ed’s notes, Chris Harrison continues his practice of barging in on the men without even a courtesy knock. This time he tells them that they better be prepared to get down on one knee and propose.
Chris: If you’re not ready for an engagement, GTFO!
Brendan:
And so begins Brendan’s mental spiral.
To my surprise, Ivan gets the first fantasy suite date. I personally love Ivan. He’s far and away my favorite of the three men, but he’s too pure for Tayshia and, arguably, this world. However, he tells us he did The Secret and manifested the first date. You go, Glen Coco Ivan! Zac is visibly pissed and Brendan looks like someone told him that it’s now a federal offense to wear turtlenecks. Zac reminds us that regardless of the men’s feelings about the other men, this is about Tayshia. Finally, a man who understands the concept of The Bachelorette!
Ivan’s Date
Just watching the way that Tayshia interacts with Ivan, it’s clear that he’s not the frontrunner in her mind. As if the lukewarm peck she gave him weren’t proof enough, we find out that their date is a f*cking ice bath. Now if that’s not a metaphor for her feelings for Ivan, I don’t know what is. “Are you excited?” she asks, with that pseudo British inflection she adopts when asking questions. Ivan smiles through the pain. This is the most unromantic concept for a date that I can possibly think of, especially one that’s designed to precede sex. The shrinkage alone! Rude, Tayshia. Rude. Even Big Paulie, who according to Chris Harrison is a “Bachelor Nation favorite” (sure, Jan), deems the effects of this date on Ivan’s prospects later on “devastating”. Slapping a potential “world record” on this turd of a date isn’t fooling anyone, Tayshia! You may as well have had an intern spray paint a football field on some cardboard with “Friend Zone” at either end.
Meanwhile, back at the house:
Brendan:
Zac seems to be handling things a little better. He gets the second date card and gives us his best Matthew McConaughey.
During the evening portion of Ivan’s date, he tells Tayshia he’s falling in love with her. She says she’s been falling for him too, but I’m just not feeling the sparks between these two. Their conversation doesn’t have much substance and basically consists of them parroting things back to each other. “I cried in front of you!” “I cried in front of you!” Apparently this is enough to take things to the fantasy suite, which in this case is an Airstream trailer that inside looks like it was designed by 2009 me after winning an Urban Outfitters shopping spree. I love a boho-chic moment, but this is not the mood for fantasy suites. This looks like it would be better for a Real Housewives girls’ trip (OC, obv). Apparently it had the desired effect, though, because they stayed up all night talking, according to Ivan. I don’t get the feeling they had sex. Maybe a little over-the-pants action, but nothing more.
Ivan returns to the house and recaps the date. Unsurprisingly, Zac and Brendan look pissed. Brendan, clearly a masochist, asks if they got any sleep. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to, Brendan! Ivan is apparently an emotional cutter as well because a producer told him to ask he asks what Zac’s date card said. Yikes.
Zac’s Date
The vibe on this date is completely different than the date with Ivan. Tayshia is straight-up giddy. The feeling is mutual for Zac and he tells us no less than 14 times that he can’t wait to EXPLORE Tayshia. Vom. That’s exactly what the guy you go on one Hinge date with tells you right before he never calls you again. Their date is body painting, which may as well be the polar (see what I did there) opposite of Ivan’s date. This date is essentially foreplay with colors. They slap on some paint and proceed to aggressively make out in front of the camera crew. Do they have no shame??
During the evening portion, they get into deeper topics, specifically, Zac’s stance on having kids. Zac says he realizes now that he does want to be a dad and he then proceeds to tell Tayshia that he loves her. The moment was really genuine, so much so that it moves Tayshia to tears and she says she loves him back. I can’t even be snarky, it was a lovely moment. This is what happens when you put age-appropriate men on this show!
They move on to the fantasy suite, and the set-up alone is another personal affront to Ivan. Zac and Tayshia get a whole-ass suite that looks much nicer than the “El Presidente” suite Tayshia’s been living in all season. The unmitigated gall of these producers to do Ivan so dirty!
Ivan watching this back:
The next morning, Tayshia and Zac are jumping on the bed like two toddlers hopped up on pixie sticks. Interestingly, Tayshia says in a confessional that Brendan has had her heart since day one. This should be interesting given Brendan’s sheer terror all episode. Zac returns to the house with a sh*t-eating grin on his face. Ivan remains mostly calm. Brendan looks…constipated.
Brendan’s Date
Brendan tells us that he’s worried about the prospect of getting engaged again so quickly after getting divorced. Brendan clearly didn’t get the memo on not telling producers about your biggest fears, lest they be exploited to the high heavens, and so his fate is sealed. The date is hosted by F*CKING NEIL LANE! Neil, apparently pissed he had to cobble together a ring for Clare with barely 24 hours’ notice, negotiated some more airtime for his tacky wares and so we need to endure this product placement we’re calling a “date”. A date like this would be torture for just about any straight male who’s been dating a woman for a matter of weeks, but for Brendan, it is hell on earth, and it shows.
Neil keeps telling Brendan not to get nervous, then proceeds to talk endlessly about engagements and weddings. As if this wasn’t anxiety-producing enough, they then FORCE BRENDAN TO TRY ON WEDDING BANDS! I swear his hands were shaking. These producers are laying it on thick. They’ve even got Neil Lane waxing poetic about how rings are circular (no sh*t) and that marriage is FOREVER, as if Brendan, who has been married before, doesn’t already know this. Is Robert De Niro going to pop out and tell Brendan he’s been admitted into Tayshia’s circle of trust, too?
This date is messy AF. I guess this is one way to test his appetite for a proposal at the end.
Brendan:
The night portion of the date doesn’t get any better. Unfortunately, Tayshia saved her best dress for this date. Brendan is…wearing a black T-shirt. Not a good sign. Tayshia brings up Brendan’s distance and he admits he’s been struggling with the idea of an engagement. He confesses that he’s still broken. It was raw and honestly heartbreaking. Tayshia doesn’t put up a fight and sends him home. She says he’s the one she pictured herself with at the end. I’m sure whoever she chooses will be thrilled to watch that back.
Tayshia and Rachel
We get a surprise appearance from Rachel, who looks stunning. As happy as I was to see Rachel again, I didn’t really understand why she was there. The conversation was pretty superficial at the beginning, until Rachel asks Tayshia about any regrets she might have. Then it became very clear why she was invited: to create an opening to talk about Ben, who is obviously going to pull a Bennett and come back to ask for another chance. To which I say:
The Rose Ceremony Ben’s Mea Culpa
The men are getting ready for the rose ceremony and Ivan’s look here was giving me major Drake vibes. I’m not mad about it. We then see a shot from the waist down of some bulging thighs in capri pants making their way up the path of the La Quinta, and it’s immediately clear that Ben has returned. He tells Chris Harrison that he shuts down when things are tough and he wants to resolve things with Tayshia.
Tayshia, meanwhile, has two roses left, and to symbolize this she has brought the girls out for the night. She looks gorgeous and is feeling good about her final two, so of course Ben has to swoop in and f*ck it all up! He knocks on Tayshia’s door and she looks THRILLED to see him. He confesses his love for her, admits that he blew it in the moment, and tells her he sees a life with her. Tayshia’s immediate response is to freak the f*ck out and run to her producer. Not a great sign, buddy! All I know is if she cuts Ivan for this clown I will have ABC’s head continue to loyally watch this train wreck. See you tomorrow!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3)
Well, people, we made it to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read: week 5. So far only one of Becca’s 10 remaining suitors has proven to be a convicted felon. Tbh I expected that number to be higher with this crowd. Anyway. This week Becca and the men are off to Las Vegas! Because nothing says true love like 24 hour wedding chapels and gambling addiction.
Also, how many times do we think we’ll hear the phrase “roll the dice on love” tonight? It’s 8:02 and they’ve already said it twice… I’m scared.
JASON: She had Vegas going on from head-to-toe.
That’s not Vegas, Jason, that’s an internalized cry for help! Like, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAMN SEQUINS?? I am glad, though, that the men are starting to become aware of the visual assault happening before our eyes every damn week. They need to go into this with both eyes open.
The One-On-One Date
Colton gets the first one-on-one date this week. I guess Becca is really feeling like Tia might be watching this episode the connection between them.
Okay, but what in the actual fuck is this date, though? The entire thing could have literally been filmed in front of a green screen. It doesn’t make sense. There’s some sort of camel tour happening, except instead of following beautiful Vegas sights and landmarks they’re following a chain link fence. Is that a hot tub at the end of this tour? Of fucking course. Because who wouldn’t want to have a nice romantic soak in the middle of a parking lot?
HAHA I love that these camels are trying to save Becca from herself rn. They’re walking at least 20 paces away from each other, which is good because now Becca can really think about if she likes Colton or if she just likes that another girl wants to bang him.
These camels out here doing the lord’s work
Cut to the cocktail portion of the date. Do we think Colton is referring to Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman when he starts talking about his ex who didn’t love him? Because if he is, that’s blasphemous and I won’t hear it. So sorry Aly was too busy winning multiple gold medals and crusading for women and sexual assault victims to tell your thirsty ass that you’re pretty, Colton. SO SORRY.
Okay, Colton is less hot the more they zoom in on him and Becca making out. Why does he keep grabbing her hands and making air circles with them?
Colton gets the rose, but are we really surprised here? The only thing that could have stopped him from getting that rose was if he said he murdered his grandma or is a registered sex offender. Oh wait. That actually does get you a rose on this show these days.
Shop Betches The Bachelor One-On-One Tank
The Group Date
For the group date Becca brings out Wayne Newton to spice things up, and I have a lot of questions here. One, what are the numbers for the celebrity guest budget this season? ‘Cause right now it looks like all ABC can afford are third-tier celebs blackmailed into being there. Also, why are Wayne Newton’s eyes so fucking terrifying? They look like they’re trying to pop out of their tightly pulled prison. It’s so alarming.
NOOOOO. Why is there another episode that involves singing? What did I do to deserve this?
ME FINDING OUT WHAT THE GROUP DATE IS THIS WEEK:
Honestly, I can’t stop thinking about Wayne Newton singing to his wife. I’m going to see it in my nightmares.
Once again, Becca forces the men to write a song about her. I feel like Becca listed her hobbies as “sports and music” and they just ran with that for all of her dates.
Chris is feeling cocky AF because he got one half-hearted clap from Richard Marx two episodes ago. YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME, CHRIS.
WAYNE NEWTON: I was very surprised with their ability to use rhyme and foreign languages.
ALSO WAYNE NEWTON: I was very surprised with their ability to string sentences together at all.
Well fucking said, Wayne. Well said.
The guys have to sing their songs in front of a live Vegas audience. How pissed do you think these people are at Groupon for misleading them about the talent this evening? Because this feels like cruel and unusual punishment tbh.
The men start performing, and I can’t decide what’s more painful: the sounds coming out of their mouths or the sequined atrocity on Becca’s body.
After the glee club concert from hell, Becca takes the guys to the location of part two of the date: an abandoned ice rink! Seriously WHO is planning these dates?? Why does every date locale look like it was filmed outside the Las Vegas city limits? Are these guys not allowed in certain parts of Vegas? With their criminal records, this seems likely.
CHRIS: If you want something you’ll make time for it.
Spoken like me justifying my decision to go completely scorched Earth on a guy I was seeing for three months because he wouldn’t come meet me at a bar one night. FUCK YOU, JAKE.
Blake aka the poor man’s Miles Teller gets the group date rose, and somewhere Chris is plotting how to murder him and shove the pieces of his body down a trash chute. His abandonment issues don’t at all feel like a red flag in this moment.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
The Two-On-One Date
Finally, we get to the two-on-one date with Jordan and David that ABC has been teasing all goddamn night. Vegas odds that Becca leaves both of them in the desert to die together?
Okay, but WTF is this date? They’re just stranded in a canyon somewhere? No food? No Champagne? This is like that scene in Rat Race where Cuba Gooding Jr. has to make shoes out of his own shirt and trek through the desert. Actually, I’d pay to see Jordan try to do that.
Becca’s like “it’s so peaceful and quiet out here!” Meanwhile, David feels like this is his cue to describe, in minute detail, the sediment on the ground. He should be eliminated for not knowing the important life skill of when to shut the fuck up.
Becca realizes she’s not going to get any peace and fucking quiet with David here practicing his monologue so she pulls David aside to talk to first and he immediately starts shitting on Jordan.
DAVID: Jordan said he was SETTLING with you and that you’re his SECOND choice.
ALSO DAVID: I reminded Becca of her ex and most traumatic experience to date, so yeah, couldn’t feel better right now. I’m so happy for me.
Okay, Jordan’s sad electricity story makes me feel feelings but also reminds me of when Derek Zoolander went back to work in the coal mines, which was such a moving part of that film and possibly where Jordan got the idea for his sob story. Just saying.
Is it just me or does it seem like Becca is leading the kindergarten class trip from hell? Becca’s like “you guys are really ruining my date of sitting in the desert in silence so could you cut it the fuck out.” PREACH, girl!
OH SHIT. THE CHICKEN GOES HOME. Honestly, about fucking time. Once again we learn that starting shit in the Bachelor mansion gets you nowhere. I mean, I get the impulse because that’s kinda my current career philosophy and personal brand, but still.
Back to Becca’s date with Jordan. We enter the dinner and drinks portion of the evening, and I have a feeling Jordan is still going home. He’s only in competition with himself, and that can’t end well for him. I mean, he’s funny, but he has about as much depth to him as a toaster.
JORDAN: I really want to get to know the real you.
ALSO JORDAN: Do you like to go out on Fridays?
HAHA did he really just ask her about her weekend habits? I’m pretty sure that when Becca said she was “an open book, ask me anything” she didn’t mean ask her how frequently she brunches.
Jordan gets sent home too, and honestly I can’t say I’m surprised. I knew it was over for him when he started going into an in-depth discussion about how the rules of hair care are simple and finite and any Cosmo girl would know.
JORDAN: How did I get sent home? I can speak, I can walk.
Yes, Jordan, it seems those are the only qualifications one needs for this show these days. RIP, friend. You and your gold booty shorts will be missed. Can’t wait to see you on Paradise!
The Rose Ceremony
Becca grabs Chris right off the bat and Chris is like “you’re lucky I’m willing to breathe near your direction after yesterday.” Okay, Chris you can go shave your back now.
Is it just me or is Becca wayyy too sensitive to be the Bachelorette? I know she got dumped on national television, but it feels like every other word that comes out of these guys’ mouths is triggering for her.
Chris tries to steal Becca away from Wills and even though Wills is dressed like my grandpa’s sofa he’s acting cool AF in this situation. It’s so fucking hot.
Chris: Can I steal you for a sec?
Becca: No
Me: #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/Tz197Raevs— Betches (@betchesluvthis) June 26, 2018
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I want to crawl into my wallpaper rn. I can’t.
Chris keeps asking for two more minutes and Wills, whom I was always sure was a Hufflepuff but am now CONVINCED is a Gryffindor, is like “nah, step off.”
WILLS: I’m gonna ask you to respect me and please GTFO
ME:
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, but WILLS YOU CAN CALL ME. This feels like an appropriate time to put it into the universe that if Wills is not the next Bachelor, I will personally burn ABC studios to the ground.
Sidenote: If Colton ignored Becca all night you know she would still give him a rose. I feel like this attention thing is a flimsy excuse at best to send Chris home.
Chris is like “you make me a better man because normally when a chick pisses me off I bang her best friend bail and I’m not doing this here.” Becca, honey, I say this with love, but this guy is a bigger red flag than that dress you have on rn. SEND HIM HOME.
John ends up getting sent home because ABC doesn’t want us to have nice things. How the floor shitter/CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER lasted longer than the guy who created fucking Venmo is beyond me.
ME WATCHING BECCA RUIN HER LIFE ONE ROSE CEREMONY AT A TIME:
Well, fam, that’s it for this week. Next week it looks like the Bach crew is going to the exotic destination of Richmond, Virginia. I’M FUCKING DEAD. At this rate they should take a “magical journey” to the parking lot outside the Roosevelt Field Mall by the end of the season. Kisses!
IMAGES: Giphy (78; @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
This week on The Bachelorette, instead of finishing up with the fantasy suites or really giving us any sort of resolution from last week’s boring AF meet the parents episode, ABC chose to waste two hours of my life with the Men Tell All. Because we don’t get enough mansplaining in our everyday lives. Luckily for them, I can’t resist watching a group of grown-ass men wearing pastel pocket squares act like 14-year-old girls fighting over a lunch table.
The first 10 minutes consists of Chris Harrison revisiting his glory days the best Bachelor/Bachelorette moments from the Men Tell All episodes. Like, no need to try and convince me to watch this garbage. I’m already here. The alcohol has been bought.
We end this sad walk down memory lane with an ultrasound of JP and Ashley’s publicity stunt to stay relevant baby. I guess ABC thought it wasn’t enough that 60 percent of my Facebook newsfeed is selfies of my friends and every drunk girl I’ve ever befriended in the bathroom’s uteruses (your fetus looks like an alien btw), but now they must punish me further by watching Bachelor spawn float around in amniotic fluids? *pours drink*
Chris Harrison: Most seasons the mansion turns into one giant frat house, but this season we had to get production in there to fuck shit up was different.
Me:
They’re introducing the men and I’m realizing that the Blue Moon I’m aggressively chugging has more testosterone in it than Rachel’s entire cast of suitors. If I see one more matching pocket square I will lose my goddamn mind. Also, I have never seen half of these people before in my damn life. I would bet my roommate’s the six pack sitting in my fridge rn that half these dudes are just random Instagram trash they found on the streets of LA. You’re not fooling anyone, ABC.
Lol I totally forgot about this completely scripted fight between Waboom and Blake. And then someone who made it to the final 5 opens his mouth to defend Blake. Who are you again?
Oh good, DeMario’s back. ABC must know I can’t sleep soundly until a fuckboy has whispered lies to me.
The entire cast jumps down DeMario’s throat over this whole Lexi thing, and yet, no one says shit about the whole Paradise scandal. I smell a cover-up.
Chris Harrison: Were you dating Lexi?
DeMario: Do you know the definition of “Side Chick”?
Chris Harrison: ….
DeMario: I didn’t even take a picture with her! Is there any actual “proof” that we dated??
Me: *tries to set DeMario on fire with eyes* *goes back to aggressively drinking alcohol*
Lol love that DaMario just compared himself and Lexi to a President of the United States and his mistress. Such a classic fuckboy move to defend your shady behavior by comparing yourself to other, more famous fuckboys.
DeMario: The way I see it, I’m like Bill Clinton
Me:
And now that we’ve sufficiently turned an entire studio audience and half of America against DeMario, let’s move on to the racist. Chris Harrison is so good at moving the conversation forward.
Dean trying to call Lee racist without using the R word or acknowledging that he low-key endorsed a racist comment on Instagram yesterday. At least you’re pretty.
Watching Kenny’s montage and all I can think is, seriously how fucking old is your child? Like, she’s so cute but old enough to rent a car. Forget this Kenny/Lee drama, Chris Harrison, I’d like to see this birth certificate!
Chris: What did you think about your dad going on the show?
McKenzie: Idk I’m just trying to get a car for my birthday.
Lol McKenzie shading Kenny for getting 10th in the competition is me as a child.
Now, that the 25-year-old paid actress Kenny’s kid has exited the stage I guess it’s time to bring out our president a racist asshole who cannot control himself on Twitter.
Lee: I just make jokes when I’m uncomfortable and at the wrong times.
Me & the viewers back home:
And OH SHIT. Chris Harrison brings out every racist, homophobic, anti-feminist tweet Lee has ever tweeted in his life. You have no chill, Chris. NO chill.
Lee looks terrified, like the audience and half the cast might shank him at any moment. I’m giddy from the drama.
Chris Harrison: *points to damning tweets*
Lee: I notice there’s some things that I need to work on… like my racism
DeMario is losing his shit over these tweets, meanwhile Will is looking at Lee like a disappointed dad.
^^Will watching Lee lose his damn mind on Twitter
THANK GOD, it’s Dean’s turn. I love when I get to spend quality time with my boyfriend a reality TV star I’ve never met before. The camera focuses on Dean and he talks about how he was dumped on national television after ABC used him for his family drama hometowns and then pans to a 14-year-old girl sobbing because they want you to remember that Dean is only 25. Subtle, ABC.
Watching Dean’s montage and all I can think is get you a man who will wear a camo blazer to a nationally televised event.
They bring Rachel out and once again my eyes are assaulted by her outfit choices. Rachel, WHY do you test me like this? I’ve already sat through 90 minutes of Waboom trying to stay relevant and the professional tickler sitting on a hand-shaped chair. Don’t do this to me.
It looks like that dress was part of someone’s Project Runway audition collection. But, like, the one Heidi and Nina talked shit about off-screen. At least her hair is on point though. Small victories.
Seriously, if anyone knows the name of her stylist please leave their name, number, and ALL of their social media handles in the comments section so I can properly reach out and have a conversation with them drag them on social media for what they’ve done to her.
The men are allowed to have one final conversation with Rachel before she is not contractually obligated to deal with their shit anymore. Fred cries. Kenny hits on her. Alex says nothing but his blazer says everything. Things like, you idiot, you never should have picked me to be second in your bracket.
^^Alex last night looking like he’ll steal your girl Bachelorette bracket victory
And that’s it for this episode! Thank god I spent two hours of my life watching Iggy try and interject into everyone’s drama every fucking second he could for more screen time. At least there was alcohol. I can’t wait to see next week’s shit show episode!
Catch up on last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ recap here!
This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act.
First Group Date
The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF “husband material” obstacle course featuring Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.
Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?
I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punk’d? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someone’s agents need to work a little harder.
How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachel’s husband in this group but TBH I can’t seem to find his acting career here either.
Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because he’s on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.
Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch Real Housewives.
Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram.
Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous encounter reality show. I KNOW HE’S JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HE’S A WHAFAKE!
What does it mean to “further your Whaboom?” Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.
Rachel feels like she’s not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe it’s because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?
Date With Peter
Peter is super hot.
Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob
Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.
Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.
How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting STOP YULIN FOREVER.
Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.
Second Group Date
Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”
All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isn’t in their group date guys and it’s a basketball player.
ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall.
Pretty much everyone in America’s reaction to the idea that Kareem Abdul Jabbar is going to give Rachel advice on love and relationships. ^
The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?
DeMario’s girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghoster’s worst nightmare.
Literally every fuckboy’s body language when you confront him about the shady shit he’s done. ^
Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMario’s ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.
“On my kitten’s graves he never came to my house and broke up with me.”
“The last time he came to my apartment he was fucking me.”
Demario’s ex had to take a flight for this fight. She took work days off. Who’s crazy in that situation? #TheBachelorette
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) May 30, 2017
MORE LIKE DEMARI-NO
And that’s what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does.
Rachel: You’re not being honest so you can get the fuck out.
You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that.
Rose Ceremony
I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.
Alex: Here’s an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky that’s enough.
DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because The Bachelorette refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings.
