It’s been a week since we watched Cassie take Colton back on the finale of The Bachelor, and they’re definitely still in the honeymoon phase. Or, more accurately, they’re in the let’s post on Instagram nonstop so everyone thinks we’re super happy phase, but it’s just as annoying. But how long will it last? Will Colton and Cassie even get engaged, or will they just fade into the background of failed Bachelor couples? Only time will tell, but this got me thinking about some of the other recent-ish Bachelor couples that we don’t hear much about.
Some of the answers are obvious, like Arie and Lauren (married with a baby on the way), or Nick and Vanessa (probably haven’t spoken in a year), but other couples are a lot harder to read. Who’s still together? Who’s getting married soon? Who acts like their supposed fiancé doesn’t even exist? Come along as I embark on this deep dive into the murky waters of what happens after Mike Fleiss stops telling you what to post on Instagram.
Becca & Garrett
Aside from Colton, Becca Kufrin was the most recent Bachelor Nation star, and her engagement with Garrett looks like it’s still going strong. In fact, just a few days ago, Becca and Garrett posted to celebrate the anniversary of when their relationship technically started. Of course, Becca was technically dating two dozen other guys for the first couple months, but I guess we can count it because he got the first impression rose.
Becca and Garrett post about each other pretty regularly, but like, a normal amount for a couple that’s engaged. Their don’t sound like they were ghost-written by Mike Fleiss, which is definitely a good sign. We don’t know any details about when their wedding will be, but in December they did a weird pre-wedding photoshoot, in which Becca is definitely wearing a wedding dress. Unclear why that was a thing, but Becca also said in December that they’re house-hunting together in San Diego, so it seems like things are going well for them and they’re committed.
Rachel & Bryan
I always had my doubts about Rachel and Bryan’s relationship, mainly because it was clear from watching the season that she had the strongest feelings for Peter. (It will never make sense to me why someone who isn’t ready to get engaged goes on a show where a proposal is literally the only goal. What are you doing??) Despite Bryan being a questionable winner, he and Rachel are still together nearly two years later. They keep things pretty low-key, and sometimes go months without posting photos together on Instagram.
But now, there’s no question about whether Bryan and Rachel are legit, because they’re getting married this summer. In January, Rachel told Entertainment Tonight that she has a date and a dress. As for the location, she said “It will be a destination wedding in a warmer location, closer to Colombia, where Bryan’s from, but it’s not in Colombia.” Lol because “closer to Colombia” could literally mean anything, but I get that she doesn’t want to tell the whole world exactly where they’ll be getting married (damn it). Rachel later told the Bachelor Party podcast that the wedding is in August, so stay tuned for that in the midst of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s going to be a busy summer.
JoJo & Jordan
Let’s be real—JoJo and Jordan are the main reason I wanted to do this article. It’s been almost three years since they got engaged, and I understand that The Bachelorette is not a typical relationship scenario, but three years is a long time to be engaged for anyone. JoJo and Jordan still post together all the time, so it’s never really been in doubt that they’re together, but when are they getting married??
Last month, they shared some minimal details about their wedding plans on their web series (lol). They said that they had decided 2019 would be the year they shared their wedding date…which means nothing. You could set a date in 2019 for four years from now; this information is useless. Jojo and Jordan are waiting until after Jordan’s brother’s wedding (not Aaron, the other one) to announce the date, but JoJo said she wants a spring wedding. I’m assuming she doesn’t mean this spring, so we’re most likely looking at a Spring 2020 wedding date. There’s nothing wrong with a long engagement, except for the fact that I’m impatient. I mean, we all watched their entire relationship unfold on camera; I feel like it’s only right that I get semi-regular updates on their relationship status. Is that so much to ask??
Chris & Krystal
So the past three Bachelorettes are all still engaged and in varying stages of wedding planning, but what about some Paradise couples? First of all, let’s talk about Chris and Krystal. After getting engaged on Paradise last season, they’ve fared a bit better than Jordan and Jenna, and they’re still together. In December, they moved in together in San Diego, so they can hang out with Becca and Garrett all the time! I’m obsessed with Chris posting a literal apartment tour on Instagram:
There hasn’t been much news about their eventual wedding, other than Krystal telling People that she sees “a beach and bare feet, and lots of crystals.” Do I smell a Paradise wedding on the horizon?? Chris Harrison can only hope. In the mean time, they’ve started a YouTube channel called Glitter Goose together, so that’s how you know it’s really love.
Raven & Adam
Now that we’ve addressed the four couples that are already engaged, let’s finish off with one couple who is headed in that direction: Raven and Adam. Since meeting on the show in 2017, they’ve been together for almost two years, and they seem to be doing great. In fact, Adam went on a podcast recently and said that he’s going to propose to her sometime in 2019. My by calculations, that means Colton should be proposing to Cassie by 2021…oh wait, that’s never going to happen.
Adam also said that they’ve gotten many offers for a televised wedding, but they’re not interested. That’s a shame, because I’m sure Chris Harrison was already setting up the folding chairs for another Paradise wedding. But really, Raven and Adam seem pretty normal and happy, and I hope they stay that way. Maybe not all of these couples will make it in the end, but they seem to be doing fine for now.
Images: Shutterstock; @gy_yrigoyen, @therachlindsay, @joelle_fletcher, @chrisrandone, @ravennicolegates / Instagram
Fantasy Suite week is obviously the best week of any season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Chris Harrison sneaks you a handwritten note like a middle schooler that basically reads, “U gonna bang this person tonight? Y/N? Here’s a key to your fuck palace. Go forth and defile it three nights in a row with three different people.”
It’s pretty much assumed that the Bachelor/Bachelorette will use the Fantasy Suite for its intended purpose with each of the three remaining contestants because this may very well be the last time they get to explore sex with different partners before they settle down with one person until Neil Lane’s contract for keeping the ring expires for the rest of their life.
On Nick Viall’s season, we all know he and Vanessa bumped uglies because, well, she won. Raven practically shouted from the rooftops that he gave her the blessing of her first orgasm ever. The third woman in Nick’s Fantasy Suite fuck parade was Rachel Lindsay, who dodged an effing bullet by getting kicked off after their night together so she could go on to be objectively the best – and the first African American – Bachelorette.
However, in a recent interview on the Bachelor Party podcast, Rachel revealed that she never ended up doing the nasty with Nick at all! Praise Jesus, I knew this girl had common sense. But her reasons for not letting Nick flop his naked body on top of her had nothing to do with the fact that the man is the human embodiment of soggy lunchmeat. It was actually all thanks to…Donald Trump.
Rachel said that they arrived in Finland the night of the 2016 election, and she spent the night watching the election results roll in in shock. She reflects, “I had my date the next day, and I couldn’t get in the right head space. I drank a lot. I passed out in the Fantasy Suite. This is my first time actually saying that. I just went to sleep. We had no talking that night.” She clarified that she most definitely did not do it with Nick, adding “I did nothing! I did nothing but sleep. I got my best sleep in the Fantasy Suite!”
Girl was so upset that Trump was President that she literally couldn’t muster up the desire to have sex. I’ve honestly never related to a Bachelor contestant more in my life. When my boyfriend tried to so much as kiss me the day after the election, I pushed him away and made him buy me a whole pizza instead and then cried for two hours in his bed. Needless to say, we are no longer together.
There you have it. The President of the United States is singlehandedly killing the sex drives of the American people. To reverse this crime against humanity, I suggest lighting some candles, popping some fresh batteries in your vibrator, and playing the audio of Obama’s past speeches so you can lull yourself into an alternate reality where the election never happened, with liberty and orgasms for all.
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Rachel Lindsay was my favorite Bachelorette, and so it’s extremely difficult for me to say this (as you can tell by the fact that I am writing an entire article about it), but Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abasolo are my least favorite Bachelor franchise couple. And since I hated Josh Murray so much that I read most of Andi’s book, that is truly saying something. It’s just—I had such high hopes for Rachel and Peter, and to see her end up with a chiropractor from Miami with mommy issues and the audacity to put “Dr.” in front of his name is just so disappointing.
Maybe it’s because Peter was so perfectly boring for her, and Bryan was so annoyingly obsessed with aggressive head-grabbing makeouts, or maybe it’s because the show’s editors are true geniuses that can make an audience believe anything (my best guess is the truth lies somewhere in the middle). But either way, I know literally no one that was rooting for a Rachel/Bryan engagement, and I know literally no one today who has been at all turned around by their gross display of social media PDA.
^That really doesn’t look like an enthusiastic “yes”
Anyway, I just cannot and will not be convinced that they are going to make it. So instead, I will do my best to recruit you to join me in my cynical and entirely unfair crusade against this couple by explaining why I believe their Ben Higgins-Lauren Bushnell-esque end is near.
1. This Was Not Bryan’s First Reality Rodeo
We must not forget that Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was not Bryan’s first attempt at finding
reality TV fame love. Nope, his first try was 13 years ago on a show called The Player. That’s right—in the time it takes a young Jewish boy to become a man, all Bryan did was get cheek implants to slightly improve his look and convince ABC casting to give him a shot. And I guess like, go to chiropractor school or whatever. If The Player ever gets a reboot, I put money on Bryan leaving Rachel, adding their relationship to his “player” resume, and further extending his time on our television screens.
2. They Are In A Hurry To Get Married
Aww cute, they want to get married this year. Nope, not cute—doomed. We all know that the most successful franchise couples have enjoyed long, long, engagements (see: Kaitlyn and Shawn, Jojo and Jordan), and that the most predictable breakups came from those who were already planning their wedding (see: Ben and Lauren). It’s almost as if it’s a better idea to be in a long term relationship BEFORE you get married.
Rachel in like 2 months:
3. They Are Trying WAY Too Hard
Seriously, the social media campaign to prove to the world that they are in love is just too much. First they throw a fancy engagement party and have all of my favorite franchisee cast members post pictures of it (all I want in life is to party with Alexis), like: “Oh, cool you are friends with realistic couple Raven and Adam, you must be in love”. And then Rachel goes swimming in Miami wearing a Fiancé bathing suit. Seriously girl, who are you trying to convince: America or yourself?
4. He Could Never Compete With Copper
I mean, Copper is way cuter than Bryan and definitely had a better thing going with Peter during their Palm Springs one-on-one date. And Rachel just doesn’t strike me as a girl who would choose a man over a dog—because really, would anyone?
So here’s to hoping we get a breakup announcement just in time for Arie’s premiere. And if I am wrong, which I’m not, then I am sorry Rachel, I still love you—I just hate your choice in husband.
Somehow, some way it’s already almost time for The Bachelor to start again. Does it not feel like just yesterday that ABC announced that they were gonna go with a random grandpa fuckboy instead of a gorgeous man god? I know it’s been months now but the pain is still so real. After the announcement, we heard from pretty much everyone saying how they felt about it. Reality Steve, Arie’s ex girlfriends,
Flat Tummy Tea models former contestants of the show… You name it. The only person we hadn’t heard anything from was Rachel Lindsay, which is weird because a) she was the most recent lead and b) she’s hands down the betchiest of all Bachelorettes (come at me, Jojo and Trista fans) so she’s the only person we actually GAF about hearing from. Well luckily, she finally gave her opinion on the whole thing and instead of some stupid af ABC-written pile of bullshit about how great it is, she said she thought what all of us were thinking too: “Who?” Lol. I love her.
She said she didn’t know who he was because she never watched the show before, but like, I did and I still don’t know who tf Arie Lfghwdfkm Jr is. So don’t worry, Rach. It wouldn’t have helped. She went on to say that it seemed like Arie was in a better place now and ready to find love, blah blah blah. Sounds like he was (allegedly) finding plenty of love at nearby colleges with girls so young they could have been his daughters, but that’s none of my business.
Tbh, I didn’t really care what Rachel thought of Arie because she was like, 12 when he was actually on the show. I care about whether or not she was relieved the guy she should have picked, Peter Kraus, wasn’t going to be on show making out with a bunch of girls and saying that for them, marriage was a possibility. That’s what I want. Give me the dirt. Naturally, because Rachel is the model of beauty and grace, she said she didn’t care either way and Peter deserved to find love.
Ugh. Rachel. Why you lying? You and I know that’s not true. No one wants their ex to find love after them. You want them to die in a pit of misery and loneliness, wondering what could have been if they hadn’t ruined everything with you. Fucking duh. I mean, I guess we can appreciate Rachel trying to take the high road and look like she doesn’t care about him anymore. But we know the truth.
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If you’re enough of a card-carrying member of Bachelor Nation, you definitely follow at least a few of the former cast members on IG. If you give two shits about Rachel and Bryan, you know the couple has been flaunting their loooooove for each other all around New York City this week during Fashion Week.
Rachel spilled the deets on their relationship at the Badgley Mischka show, saying they don’t have plans to get married, yet. I mean, she did explicitly say on the show she wanted to be engaged at the end of it, and it’s not like she dumped the perfect guy for her because he didn’t want to get married right away, only for her to drag her feet about tying the knot with America’s second choice or anything…
Rach says she’s wrapping up her law practice in Texas because, you know, a lucrative law career is something you just grow out of. She and Bryan will be moving to California together to sell sunglasses on Instagram instead of maintaining real careers, I assume. I mean, it’s not like law school cost her three years of her life and tens of thousands of dollars to become a lawyer. I hear from
sources my two friends in law school that the California BAR exam is one of the hardest to pass in the nation. IDK maybe she’ll practice in Cali, but that seems like a huge fucking maybe. And, I mean, would you want a woman who chose a guy with obvious cheek implants defending you in a court of law?
Anyway, back to fashion week. Would it be an annoying newly engaged gush session without showing off that giant-ass ring? OF COURSE FUCKING NOT. Rachel and Bryan were around to flash the 3-carat platinum teardrop Neil Lane diamond ring. Seems like a weird thing for Bryan to brag about since I’m pretty sure he spent zero dollars to buy it. I mean, if you get a diamond for free, does it even have any value anymore? Nah, I’m playing. It’s still fucking beautiful and I’m 100 percent jealous of it.
Here’s the real life bling @thebacheloretteabc @TheRachLindsay @BadgleyMischka with her fiancé @TheAbDoctor #NYFW pic.twitter.com/Q9sdG4CEc3
— Anne Bratskeir (@AnnieBrat) September 12, 2017
The couple likes to tell everyone they talk to that they’re “really happy”. You know, in case Peter was wondering, or anything like that.
Reality Steve can be a life ruiner, he ruins people lives—mostly by publishing spoilers to our favorite reality shows, i.e. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Given, sometimes he gets it really wrong, like when he said Kaitlyn Bristowe didn’t choose anyone at the end of her season of The Bachelorette. He also predicted Rachel would end up with Peter. Wrong again, Steve.
Hey, speaking of whom, he’s stirring the pot between the people behind the franchise and critic of “the process”/runner-up of Rachel’s season/everyone’s favorite gap-toothed silver fox, Peter Kraus. The show’s creator tweeted last week that they really don’t want a Bachelor who isn’t balls deep in the idea that he should propose after six weeks and four dates with someone.
Steve is calling bullshit on Fleiss, saying that they offered the spot to Peter and he was like, “Nah, fam, I’m good in Wisconsin or wherever the fuck I’m from.”
So let’s break this down and come up with a super-sorta-educated opinion on the situation.
Exhibit A: The Yearbook
In his high school yearbook, Kraus said it would be his dream to be The Bachelor. Let’s be real, I’m sure a lot of people said a lot of shit they didn’t mean in their high school year books. My high school boyfriend said he wanted to be a lawyer and now he’s a lawyer but he still smokes a lot of pot and probably isn’t a very good lawyer. Okay, maybe not the best example. So anyway, maybe Peter made it on The Bachelorette and realized that it just wasn’t his thing. Been there done that.
Exhibit B: Look At Him
I’m just going to say this. Peter has probably figured out that he can pull way more tail and not have producers breathing down his neck while he does it if he just stays off the show. Now that he’s the most eligible/bangable guy in America, I don’t think he’ll ever need a show again to help him get laid. And this way, he can hit it and quit it with no pressure to pop the question six weeks later. Who wouldn’t throw themselves into his gray sweater-covered arms at this point?
That’s pretty much all I have as far as evidence goes. But, as proven by the fact that Bachelor in Paradise showed some of the Corinne/DeMario footage, we can pretty much assume the creators of the show are all about covering their own asses and not looking bad ever, no matter what. It makes sense that they wouldn’t want to risk being embarrassed by Peter again.
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I’m legit thinking Peter totally turned the show down. Good for him. I mean, sure, I would have loved to see him shirtless for eight weeks in a row, but now I can just move to Wisconsin and stalk him in secrecy without having to go to a casting event. Kind of a win-win, really.
At the end of this season of The Bachelorette, it was kind of looking like Peter Kraus may or may not be the next Bachelor. I mean, he basically set himself up in every way to be the show’s next star.
He wore a lot of gray sweaters and seemed mature enough to take on the role as evidenced by not spilling the beans about having kissed Rachel on Ellen like the rest of those yahoos did, including fucking Bryan with a Y. Goddammit, Rachel.
Even though Peter was doing everything right throughout the whole show, he probably shot himself in the foot when he said he wouldn’t be ready to propose to someone after 6 weeks. Which is, you know,
basically the entire point of the show. The show runners love that shit. They want everyone to say “I love you” and then have a big proposal on a mountaintop in Spain where the audio is fucked up because it’s windy up there. I assume, right? That’s got to be it.
Things were looking good for our prospects of watching our favorite gap-toothed hottie find love on television. But then it all came crashing down when the show’s Godfather/Creator Mike Fleiss tweeted this life-ruiner:
So, he’s basically saying that if there’s no engagement climax at the end of the season, it’s not even worth it. Which is 1) fair and 2) understandable since that’s pretty much the whole point of the show. We can’t handle another Bachelor asshole like Juan Pablo who refuses to even tell the winner that he loves them. We want romance on speed when we watch this shit, not take your time like the rest of the sane people on the planet. That’s just real life and not entertainment. Boring.
Peter should have known not to use the “6 weeks isn’t enough” excuse as to why he didn’t want to marry Rachel if he really wanted to be the next Bachelor, which, we’re all assuming is what he wants based on his high school yearbook.
If it’s not first-choice Peter, then who is it? Well, Rachel herself told Good Morning America she would like to see Alex or Dean in the spot. But that would mean Dean can’t find the love of his life on BiP and it would all turn into a sort of Nick Viall situation again. Ew, I hate that I just had to compare Dean to Nick. Alex, though, that’s sort of a left-field choice but he did seem hot and funny. I’m not totally mad about it.
Of course, this could all be a big ploy to throw
the dogs us off his trail so Peter can quietly pack for LA without everyone knowing that he’s the guy. Who even knows anymore. We’re just ready for the producers to Make The Bachelor Great Again and have next season to be the most dramatic yet, obvi.
I know we’re all still reeling from Monday night, when Rachel chose chiropractor and aspiring chipmunk Bryan Abasolo to be her fiancé over midwestern gap-toothed certified snack, Peter Kraus. But there could be a light at the end of the tunnel, and I don’t just mean that Peter is still single for the rest of us. I’m talking about Peter as the next Bachelor. Will it happen? Rachel doesn’t seem to think so, as evidenced by the sheer amount of continuous—and frankly, unwarranted—shade she threw at Peter during After The Final Rose. But forget Rachel’s salty ass. Would Peter even do The Bachelor? He finally answered the question on everyone’s mind, and his response just might give you enough mojo to continue living, at least until we plunge into a nuclear world war. I swear, if Trump gets us all killed before Peter can become the next Bachelor I will be so pissed.
In a press call, Peter was asked about the possibility of him being the Bachelor (and subsequently forcing me to quit my job so I can audition). He said he would “consider” the opportunity. It’s not an outright no, so I’ll take what I can get. It’s like when you asked your parents if you could go to your BFF’s sleepover and they said they’d “think about it.” He’s basically encouraging us to try and convince him, so fire up those Twitter fingers and get ready to DM him your most convincing manifesto. Might as well send it over to Chris Harrison and ABC too so they don’t try and pull some kind of trickery and choose some dude who competed on The Bachelorette like, five seasons ago and is making his relevancy tour on Bachelor in Paradise this season. DO YOU HEAR ME, ABC? THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
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As for who he thinks should be the Bachelor if he doesn’t do it, Peter made our hearts sing once again when he threw Dean’s name into the ring. Peter said he’s a “really good guy” with “a good soul”. See now, this is a consolation prize I could get behind. If I can’t take Peter, I’ll take Dean. If I can’t take Dean, I’ll take Eric. Or Kenny. Or really any of the dudes from Rachel’s season except Lee or Whaboom. Oh shit, why did I have to go and put that idea out into the universe? ABC wouldn’t do that, would they? Seeing as this is the network that probably fabricated a sex scandal for the sole purpose of drumming up ratings, who’s to say they wouldn’t cast their first openly racist or openly idiotic Bachelor? Oh god. I’ve made a huge mistake.