From the first moment that ABC announced Hannah Brown as their new Bachelorette, I knew that we were in for six months of eye-rolls and idiotic pageant references. There’s nothing ABC loves more than an easy punchline (trigger warning: Colton’s virginity), and so you know they’re not going to miss a single opportunity to bring up sashes and tiaras and swimsuit competitions and ALABAMA. Well, we’ve now been #blessed with the first promo for Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette, and the verdict? I am already f*cking tired.
In the clip, which was premiered on Good Morning America today, Hannah B. traipses through a fairytale forest that looks like they tried to remake Avatar with no CGI budget. Hannah B. is wearing a tiara and a sash that says “BEAUTY QUEEN,” in case you couldn’t use your powers of deduction to figure out that she is, in fact, a beauty queen. She’s in a big white gown, but it’s one of the ones where it’s actually pants, and the skirt part is removable. If I had to guess, she’s going to take off the skirt at the end of this thing.
— Good Morning America (@GMA) April 5, 2019
As she wanders through the forest, she tosses aside the tiara, then the sash, then THE SKIRT. I WAS RIGHT. This is basically every sh*tty perfume commercial ever, and could also be mistaken for a Taylor Swift video from 2010. At least they’re going with a tried-and-true concept. Oh! And I almost forgot about the music! As Hannah explores the enchanted forest, with more bad CGI roses growing around her feet, we hear a stupid cover of “You Don’t Own Me,” the classic song about being a bad bitch who doesn’t need a man. Wait—isn’t the whole point of this show that Hannah B. does need a man? Mike Fleiss, I’m unimpressed by your mixed messages here.
We’re left with what is presumably the tagline for the new season, and man, it’s some of ABC’s best work, truly. THINK YOU KNOW HER? THINK AGAIN. Wow, I’m just struck by how creative and original that is. I mean, where do they even come up with this stuff? I’m just waiting for next year, when the Bachelorette tagline is probably going to be NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Gotta love the wordsmiths over at ABC.
Remember this tragedy?
So, what’s going to happen?? Will Hannah B. ever find her way out of the haunted forest? Will she save herself, or realize that she needs a knight in shining armor? Honestly, I’m not sure her motley crew of guys has any knights in shining armor, so hopefully she’s good on her own. We’ll all find out when The Bachelorette premieres on Monday, May 13, and you better believe we’ll be here ready to roast.
Images: ABC; @GMA / Twitter; Giphy
The Bachelorette season premiere is nearly upon us, and there’s a lot we can already expect from Monday night’s episode. For one, Becca will say the words “let’s do the damn thing” no less than 12 times in the span of 120 minutes. It’s my personal recommendation that you turn that entire phrase into a drinking game to make it bearable. Just be careful not to die! We should also expect Arie and Lauren to drop another irrelevant wedding-related announcement before the opening credits clear the screen, lest they give Becca one goddamn minute to shine. But mostly we can expect that Becca will be testing my fucking sanity with her outfit choice. I think we can all confidently say that Becca was not our first choice for the Bachelorette (SEINNE, YOU WERE ROBBED), but I’ve personally been questioning ABC’s decision-making skills after watching Becca dress herself these past few months. I don’t know if it’s something in the Minnesota air or if she’s just high off of Arie hate-tweets, but she’s definitely feeling some sort of confidence about her Bachelorette style that is 100 percent unwarranted. And who would I be if I didn’t shed some light on her v flawed style choices? So, follow me, as we journey through Becca’s most heinous fashion choices to date.
1. The ‘Bachelorette’ Premier Dress
Let’s start with the least offensive garment she’s worn as of late: her Bachelorette premiere dress. Now, usually the Bachelorette wears red on night one, but Becca is making it clear here that OVER HER DEAD BODY WILL SHE BE LEAVING WITHOUT A GODDAMN FIANCE. At least, that’s what I’m assuming she was trying to say with this bedazzled wannabe bridal gown. I mean, is it smart to start off a first date with desperate marry-me vibes? Then again, Ashley I did teach us that acting like a psycho from the get-go might actually land you a man after he goes through literally every other woman first, so maybe it’ll work out for Becca? IDK. Though I don’t hate this dress with every fiber of my being, I’m definitely underwhelmed by it. It just doesn’t say “I’m ready to play with the hearts and emotions of 20 men” like I was hoping it would. That’s strike one, Becca!
2. The After The Final Rose Dress
So I know I’ll probably catch shit for this one in the comments section, well FINE. I’m still going to talk shit about this dress because principles. Becca wore this number during “After The Final Rose”. Not only was this the night she got to confront her ex, but also she met a few of her new suitors, and she chose to wear… this. The dress itself is fine. I mean, I make it a rule not to borrow outfits from my grandmother’s swing parties, but to each their own.
3. The ‘Bachelor’ Finale Dress
You have to think that the moment she walked down that hill wearing grandma’s gala dress, Arie took one look at her and knew he’d be sliding into Lauren’s DMs later. Tbh I don’t really blame him. First of all, wearing black lace over a cream overlay is a fucking crime against humanity and my eyeballs, and should be punished as such. Did she not know that the finale would be a live televised event in which I, and all of America, would be judging her from the comforts of our couch and sweatpants? Did she?? And if she thought I would take it easy on her just because I have queso stains on my PJ bottoms, am wearing a Buffy The Vampire Slayer shirt, and have literally no room to talk about style, she should have thought a-fucking-gain. Also, the goal here is to make the Bachelor want to marry you, to be so enraptured by your presence that he forgets he’s been banging another chick all week. Somehow I don’t think this prom dress she found in Deb’s clearance section makes the cut.
4. This Promo Outfit
I know, it’s like you want to look away but you just… can’t. When this abomination first graced my screen, I thought it was a practical joke. No way would ABC, a company that invests millions of dollars into the production of The Bachelorette, would allow the star of this season to promote the show dressed like she shops exclusively in Macy’s teen section. There’s just no fucking way. AND YET here she is wearing that disgusting lace jacket that’s making me question what the hell is going on in Minnesota for her to think making this her fashion statement was okay.
So hopefully in these next 10 or so weeks, Becca gets a new stylist who does not have a personal vendetta against her. I can only assume that’s what’s been going on. I’ll see all you betches every Tuesday, where I’ll be recapping The Bachelorette and hopefully not shading Becca’s every wardrobe choice. I just want the best for Becca, and that includes a wardrobe that does not solely consist of 2004’s greatest fashion hits.
Images: Getty Images; @bacheloretteabc, @bkoof ,@bachelorette_becca, @bachelorabc / Instagram
Hello, and welcome back to yet another week where ABC has decided to taunt me by teasing footage of Becca’s season of The Bachelorette. That’s right, people, with a little less than two weeks until the premiere, ABC has released another Bachelorette teaser that tells us literally nothing about what we can expect from Becca’s season, except that I’m definitely going to continue questioning why the male species is allowed to roam freely on this earth. Fun! Production released both a new video and a new promotional image and they are… a lot to unpack. It’s like they think I don’t have anything better to do with my Monday than to analyze every minute detail in this one 30 second teaser, and they’d be right, because that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
First things first, let’s start off with the never before seen video footage ABC has so graciously decided to let us get a glimpse of:
It's time to bring on the men! They better not chicken out. ???? #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/QJFMEmunBe
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 12, 2018
Aye yai yai. Lord, Jesus, fix it.
K, well this is clearly from night one, the night when Becca meets all of the men for the first time. It’s also the night when she can see if she signed her soul away to ABC for the man of her dreams or the human embodiment of pond scum. This should be good. The video gives us a first look at the “men” vying for Becca’s heart. I’m using quotes around men here because I’ve seen better behaved circus animals, but okay, ABC. I mean, I get that the show has to entertain us at the expense of this woman’s emotional heartbreak and vulnerability but, like, what is with these swamp monsters? Can’t we at least PRETEND to find her a man who’s not just looking to jump-start his career on Instagram?
That said, I’ve chosen a few men who really
alarmed and terrified stood out to me from the premiere teaser to cast my first impression rose insults on:
Minivan Guy: Ah, yes. Because nothing says sex appeal like pulling up to the curb in the sweet ride you most definitely borrowed from your mother. I hope he dies alone in his basement bachelor pad.
Chicken Suit Guy: Becca asked for a man to be in a serious, committed relationship with, and ABC delivered a man whose idea of wooing a woman involves squawking at her. Excuse me, I’m just going to update my petition to have all men sterilized.
Guy Who Brought Her Ex To The Party: This guy is one to watch out for. He took a page out of the Jersey Shore douchebag playbook, but instead of showing up with a blow-up doll like Pauly D did when Sam’s therapist refused to let her go on Family Vacation, this guy jumped out of the limo with a life size cut-out of Arie. I guess I’m grateful that his level of class is only slightly above Snooki’s Bump It. And while I’m hoping that he turns Arie’s face into a dart board for the house, I’m also thinking that this guy might be into mind games. I mean, why else would he start off a new relationship by literally throwing her ex in her face? Also, why do I low-key feel like Becca might be into this?
Moving on to the image ABC chose to promote Becca as an attractive, desirable woman:
It's Becca's turn to hand out the roses starting May 28! ???? #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/lq2mN0fMkD
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 13, 2018
There’s a lot of triggering shit happening in this image, number one being the ugliest effing jacket I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I haven’t felt this personally victimized by a Bachelorette’s outfit choice since Rachel’s mustard yellow jorts.
Back to the lace blazer though. I knew that Becca’s status as Bachelorette would award her certain branding deals, but I didn’t realize that one of those opportunities would be as Kohl’s newest “it girl”. Way to dream big, Becs! Then there’s the matter of that heinous ring that’s hovering near the satin pocket flap of her jacket. I know she’s trying to distract people from a certain newly bare finger, but the half-priced jewelry section at Charming Charlie is no way to go about doing that. I was rooting for you, Becca! We were all rooting for you!
Now then, even though I just spent the last 45 minutes ripping this season to shreds, that doesn’t mean that I don’t remain optimistic that the show will prove me and these promos wrong, and that this will be a season filled with quality men and non-heinous fashion. LOL KIDDING! Bring on the shit show.
Images: Giphy (1); @bacheloretteabc /Twitter (2)
Today, the ABC gods have given us a major gift, in the form of the first promo for Becca’s Bachelorette season. Ever since Becca Kufrin got tragically dumped by Arie Luyendyk Jr. on national TV, I’ve wanted the best for her. And by that, I mean that I want her to go on The Bachelorette and find the fucking love of her life. Usually I’m the most cynical about these fucking shows, but Becca really just deserves a win. Becca’s Bachelorette promo is light on actual information about the upcoming season, but it gives us plenty of awkward footage of Becca that we need to discuss.
Becca’s Bachelorette promo starts with the footage of Arie’s ill-fated proposal to Becca, which I fully never need to see again in my life. That being said, ABC will definitely make me watch it at least 12 more times in the next six months, so I guess I’ll have to deal somehow (alcohol). Then, we cut to Becca, in all her strong, beautiful glory, wearing a gorgeous sequined bronze dress that she should wear every day of her life. She’s holding a heart with Arie’s face on it, which she breaks in half, signaling that she is fully over him and ready to find the love! of! her! life! I hate this corny show just as much as I love it, maybe more.
Becca generally just looks like the cameraman is yelling out different emotions at her, and she doesn’t really know what to do. She’s not an Oscar-winning actress, that’s for sure. My personal favorite moment, aside from that inexplicable slow blink, is her incredibly fake laugh toward the end, which is probably how she reacted when they asked her how she feels about Lauren. My second favorite moment is her dancing, which is a cross between mom at the club and a sorority recruitment video. Truly an aesthetic.
I also have some questions about the music choice. They use Kesha’s badass anthem “Woman,” which is great except for the normal chorus says “I’m a motherfucking woman.” Silly Kesha, you can’t say that on ABC! They switch it out for the word “independent,” which 1) sounds dumb, and 2) goes against the entire premise of The Bachelorette. Like, I’m glad Becca is happy and thriving, but giving up your job to go on a TV show to find a husband doesn’t exactly scream “independent woman.”
As Becca says (awkwardly) at the end of the promo, let’s do the damn thing! This season of The Bachelorette is coming soon, I can’t wait to meet the two dozen guys who will struggle to be good enough for the lovely, sweet, amazing Becca. And if any of these fucking douchebags do anything to hurt her, they will personally receive some very threatening DMs from me. Buckle up Betches, it’s Bachelorette season.
Images: ABC; Giphy