Hello, and welcome back to yet another week where ABC has decided to taunt me by teasing footage of Becca’s season of The Bachelorette. That’s right, people, with a little less than two weeks until the premiere, ABC has released another Bachelorette teaser that tells us literally nothing about what we can expect from Becca’s season, except that I’m definitely going to continue questioning why the male species is allowed to roam freely on this earth. Fun! Production released both a new video and a new promotional image and they are… a lot to unpack. It’s like they think I don’t have anything better to do with my Monday than to analyze every minute detail in this one 30 second teaser, and they’d be right, because that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
First things first, let’s start off with the never before seen video footage ABC has so graciously decided to let us get a glimpse of:
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 12, 2018
Aye yai yai. Lord, Jesus, fix it.
K, well this is clearly from night one, the night when Becca meets all of the men for the first time. It’s also the night when she can see if she signed her soul away to ABC for the man of her dreams or the human embodiment of pond scum. This should be good. The video gives us a first look at the “men” vying for Becca’s heart. I’m using quotes around men here because I’ve seen better behaved circus animals, but okay, ABC. I mean, I get that the show has to entertain us at the expense of this woman’s emotional heartbreak and vulnerability but, like, what is with these swamp monsters? Can’t we at least PRETEND to find her a man who’s not just looking to jump-start his career on Instagram?
That said, I’ve chosen a few men who really
alarmed and terrified stood out to me from the premiere teaser to cast my first impression rose insults on:
Minivan Guy: Ah, yes. Because nothing says sex appeal like pulling up to the curb in the sweet ride you most definitely borrowed from your mother. I hope he dies alone in his basement bachelor pad.
Chicken Suit Guy: Becca asked for a man to be in a serious, committed relationship with, and ABC delivered a man whose idea of wooing a woman involves squawking at her. Excuse me, I’m just going to update my petition to have all men sterilized.
Guy Who Brought Her Ex To The Party: This guy is one to watch out for. He took a page out of the Jersey Shore douchebag playbook, but instead of showing up with a blow-up doll like Pauly D did when Sam’s therapist refused to let her go on Family Vacation, this guy jumped out of the limo with a life size cut-out of Arie. I guess I’m grateful that his level of class is only slightly above Snooki’s Bump It. And while I’m hoping that he turns Arie’s face into a dart board for the house, I’m also thinking that this guy might be into mind games. I mean, why else would he start off a new relationship by literally throwing her ex in her face? Also, why do I low-key feel like Becca might be into this?
Moving on to the image ABC chose to promote Becca as an attractive, desirable woman:
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 13, 2018
There’s a lot of triggering shit happening in this image, number one being the ugliest effing jacket I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I haven’t felt this personally victimized by a Bachelorette’s outfit choice since Rachel’s mustard yellow jorts.
Back to the lace blazer though. I knew that Becca’s status as Bachelorette would award her certain branding deals, but I didn’t realize that one of those opportunities would be as Kohl’s newest “it girl”. Way to dream big, Becs! Then there’s the matter of that heinous ring that’s hovering near the satin pocket flap of her jacket. I know she’s trying to distract people from a certain newly bare finger, but the half-priced jewelry section at Charming Charlie is no way to go about doing that. I was rooting for you, Becca! We were all rooting for you!
Now then, even though I just spent the last 45 minutes ripping this season to shreds, that doesn’t mean that I don’t remain optimistic that the show will prove me and these promos wrong, and that this will be a season filled with quality men and non-heinous fashion. LOL KIDDING! Bring on the shit show.
Images: Giphy (1); @bacheloretteabc /Twitter (2)
Today, the ABC gods have given us a major gift, in the form of the first promo for Becca’s Bachelorette season. Ever since Becca Kufrin got tragically dumped by Arie Luyendyk Jr. on national TV, I’ve wanted the best for her. And by that, I mean that I want her to go on The Bachelorette and find the fucking love of her life. Usually I’m the most cynical about these fucking shows, but Becca really just deserves a win. Becca’s Bachelorette promo is light on actual information about the upcoming season, but it gives us plenty of awkward footage of Becca that we need to discuss.
Becca’s Bachelorette promo starts with the footage of Arie’s ill-fated proposal to Becca, which I fully never need to see again in my life. That being said, ABC will definitely make me watch it at least 12 more times in the next six months, so I guess I’ll have to deal somehow (alcohol). Then, we cut to Becca, in all her strong, beautiful glory, wearing a gorgeous sequined bronze dress that she should wear every day of her life. She’s holding a heart with Arie’s face on it, which she breaks in half, signaling that she is fully over him and ready to find the love! of! her! life! I hate this corny show just as much as I love it, maybe more.
Becca generally just looks like the cameraman is yelling out different emotions at her, and she doesn’t really know what to do. She’s not an Oscar-winning actress, that’s for sure. My personal favorite moment, aside from that inexplicable slow blink, is her incredibly fake laugh toward the end, which is probably how she reacted when they asked her how she feels about Lauren. My second favorite moment is her dancing, which is a cross between mom at the club and a sorority recruitment video. Truly an aesthetic.
I also have some questions about the music choice. They use Kesha’s badass anthem “Woman,” which is great except for the normal chorus says “I’m a motherfucking woman.” Silly Kesha, you can’t say that on ABC! They switch it out for the word “independent,” which 1) sounds dumb, and 2) goes against the entire premise of The Bachelorette. Like, I’m glad Becca is happy and thriving, but giving up your job to go on a TV show to find a husband doesn’t exactly scream “independent woman.”
As Becca says (awkwardly) at the end of the promo, let’s do the damn thing! This season of The Bachelorette is coming soon, I can’t wait to meet the two dozen guys who will struggle to be good enough for the lovely, sweet, amazing Becca. And if any of these fucking douchebags do anything to hurt her, they will personally receive some very threatening DMs from me. Buckle up Betches, it’s Bachelorette season.
Images: ABC; Giphy