Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! When last we left off, the Hyatt was starting to feel less like a nurturing environment for everlasting love and more like the location of sinister otherworldly energy. In the span of 120 minutes (100 of which were devoted to Blake’s masturbatory habits—absolutely sinister, I say!!) Katie narrowed down her husband pool from 12 to seven. It was absolute carnage. The last time I saw this much careless disregard for human feeling, I was sifting through my Hinge DMs. Truly chilling.
First, Katie took out Connor the math teacher/SoulCycle instructor/man-who-is-far-too-comfortable-making-out-with-whiskers-drawn-on-his-face like it was nothing. Did we love Connor? Absolutely not. His signature look involved shirts unbuttoned to his navel, like a guy who has the personality of a Carnival cruise. But the man was precious in the way that you sometimes sympathize with the kid who eats his erasers in the back of the class. It’s just sad. And then! While Connor’s car is still idling in the Hyatt’s driveway, Katie has the audacity to dance on his still-fresh grave by dry humping Blake in a hallway corridor.
Next on her kill list? The Gossip Girls. Any guy who participated in or was the subject of a house rumor got the axe. It’s like Katie performed a full-on exorcism, but instead of purging the house of antichrists, she purged the house of a bunch of dudes with finstas. My girl.
The Battle Of The One-On-Ones
Which brings us to the present. Going into this week, the question on everyone’s mind is who will make it to Hometowns. I have my suspicions about who will or will not be bringing Katie
home to a Hyatt conference room to meet their families, but first, let’s take a look at the remaining men:
⭐︎ Mike P – 30, a virgin, hopes Jesus will still save those who read erotica
⭐︎ Brendan – Canadian, firefighter, no other distinguishing qualities
⭐︎ Andrew – professional football player, casually the reason I trust men again
⭐︎ Blake – three-time Bachelorette contestant, big horse-girl energy
⭐︎ Michael – widower, single father, humanity’s single shining example of decency
⭐︎ Greg – a kid from New Jersey
Out of the guys she has left, two of them—the fire fighter and the virgin—haven’t had one-on-one dates with Katie yet. Lucky for them, there are exactly two of those date cards up for grabs this week. Unlucky for them, ABC doesn’t operate in happy endings (unless they can orchestrate one through strategic sound bites in the Fantasy Suites). No, Katie gives out her coveted one-on-one dates to Greg and Mike P.
How does Brendan take the news, you may ask? Not well, bitch! He gets sent home mere minutes after the date cards are read, and in doing so the natural order to this world gets restored.
First up is Greg’s date and it’s all very fine. Katie shows up in a shirt that feels less like a fashion statement and more like a punishment for a high school girl who broke dress code and showed too much collarbone.
Skinny jeans and side part. Come for me Gen Z. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/QubCrFomdB
— Katie Thurston (@katiethurston) July 20, 2021
Greg spends the majority of the date trying to prove he has substance. Why? I’m not sure. I guess Michael’s got the sad dad thing going for him and I’m still personally recovering from Andrew’s traumatic experience with biracial dating. I suppose Greg wants to prove he still has mettle. I mean, sure, he did bond with Katie early on over the tragic loss of their fathers but, like, that was week two! Since then he’s been letting his Devon Sawa haircut and Resting Sad Face do all the legwork for him. Surely there’s more to the story of Greg?
GREG: I’ve had a life-long battle with insecurity because one time in middle school I went through puberty.
Look, buddy, I’m not trying to discredit your trauma or anything, but until you’ve been the first girl in your fifth grade class to develop boobs and had to make the harrowing decision of whether to wear a training bra (only sluts wear bras before sixth grade—it was written on the bathroom stall and everything!!) or not wear a training bra (the school called my parents, it was a thing)—I don’t want to hear about your middle school drama!
Despite Greg’s questionable woes as a middle schooler, Katie seems to dig it and ends up giving him the first confirmed spot in the Hometowns line-up. Mike P’s date, on the other hand, doesn’t go as smoothly.
Things start off well enough. Katie tells Mike she never saw herself dating a virgin, but now that she’s met him she wants to reconsider. Before Katie is able to even finish that thought, she encounters something straight out of my nightmares: a cuddling community. See, this is the part of the episode where I’m convinced that Hyatt Regency sits upon a hellmouth of demonic energy. What sick mind devised this?
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You can tell Mike agrees with me. He’s looking at this woman with her PhD in cuddles like this is the satanic temptations his pastor warned him about before coming on this show. He seems half tempted to throw his Bible at her and make a run for it.
Cuddle Queen Jean (yes, that’s her title, and yes, part of me died just typing that out) senses their awkwardness and reluctance to engage in non-sexual holds and encourages them to open up to one another. Mike is a little… too honest with Katie. Off screen in an interview, he tells production that spooning Katie reminds him of things he used to do with his mother.
And it’s not just one line! If he’d only said it offhandedly once, I may have forgiven him, but the rest of the date he spends constantly comparing Katie to his mother. At one point he even whispers it directly into her ear as he caresses her forearm. Katie’s like, “lol!” and then looks directly at the cameras and says “that’s a lot” which has to be her safe word.
Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really understand the whole wait-until-marriage thing. It’s something I’ve joked about all season and have constantly ridiculed Mike P about in my recaps because I’m a garbage human. But Mike does seem really sweet and he’s been a great sport during every sex-crazed challenge the producers have thrown his way. I still don’t think he’ll go any farther on this franchise, but at least he’s given me something to eviscerate in my group chat. Thank you for your service.
And it looks like my feelings are spot-on! I’m not sure if it was all the mommy foreplay or that uncalled for whispering, but Katie sends Mike packing before the dinner portion of the date. She gives him the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” speech and says that they simply aren’t there yet for her to invite him to Hometowns. But I think we can all agree that if he’d kept the Norman Bates/Mommy Dearest vibes to a minimum, he might have at least made it to the next rose ceremony.
My BFA Is Shaking
The group date this week is art themed, and when I say my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree was shaking… I guess instead of having the contestants travel abroad to deeply offend other cultures, the producers thought it would be funny to just debase culture in general.
Case in point: The guys are tasked with creating an abstract portrait of Katie. The examples given to them are various artist interpretations of self-portraits, the majority of which have sexual undertones: up-close shots of flowers in bloom, the center of a dripping fruit, you get the gist. The men, theoretically still refraining from self-love, almost immediately blow their loads as if this is the most pornographic thing they’ve ever seen.
I’m almost positive the date was crafted entirely for Blake. If you’ll recall, the last time he was on The Bachelorette he went on a similarly themed date where his “self-expression” involved sculpting a giant penis that had to be completely censored on screen. Let’s see if Blake’s shown any, erm, growth since last season…
BLAKE: I’m trying to make my canvas full of feelings and emotions
At least that’s the gist of Blake’s artistic expression. Naturally, his painting is so censored all we get is the frame and Blake explaining that “not a lot of species can do” the specific sexual act he drew. At least he’s on brand!
Justice For Andrew
Perhaps the wildest moment from this week was not when Mike P, clad in cult white, gamely whispered “mother” in Katie’s ear, but when Katie let Andrew go during the rose ceremony. I was, and absolutely still am, floored by that decision.
Going into the rose ceremony, Katie had two roses left to give out and three guys on the chopping block: Justin, Andrew, and Blake. (Greg had already scored the one-on-one rose while Michael picked up the group date rose). I assumed Blake would get a rose because Katie seems to have a soft spot for guys who challenge my sanity. Justin seemed like the natural next option to be cut from the competition. I still know nothing about Justin except that his facial expressions will be the sole reason people buy the newest version of What Do You Meme?. I was shocked when instead Katie cut Andrew. Andrew!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WOMAN?? I would never eliminate that man. If forced to choose between him and Greg, I would marry them both and move to Utah.
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Katie, you FOOL!!!
What makes this goodbye all the more painful is that it’s dragged out. Katie sends Andrew home at the rose ceremony, but in the last 20 minutes of the episode they reconnect the following day. Andrew shows up at her door wanting to get more closure. They talk and he leaves her a cutesy little letter that says “if you ever change your mind… I’ll be here.” IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND, I’LL BE HERE! Be! still! my! heart!
Katie immediately goes chasing down the stairs after him—she’s really making the camera crew earn their bonus check this year—and straddles him in the Hyatt’s lobby. She’s, like, aggressively making out with him in a way that makes me question if she gets off to gifs of The Notebook in her downtime. She even invites him back on the show despite her producer vigorously making the cut sign in the background. But Andrew turns her down. That’s right: Andrew. turns. her. down. Why must you waste my time like this, ABC? WHY?
Whatever, all I know is Andrew is single now. So, if you need me I’m just going to finish this box of wine and make magic happen in his DMs. See you hoes next week!
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2); Betches (1); @katiethurston /Twitter (1); @andrewzspencer /Instagram (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1)
Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??
Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.
Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.
Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.
Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”
Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.
^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate
HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m n
ervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.
Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday.
BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”
Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.
Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”
ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?
HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??
MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me.
CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.
Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.
Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?
BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?
Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.
Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”
Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!
GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.
THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.
Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.
Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?
Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.
BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.
WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?
Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.
ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.
Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.
GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.
YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?
Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”
The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.
Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.
The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.
Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.
OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.
BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.
Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.
Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.
Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.
Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.
FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.
Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.
Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.
Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?
Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.
I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.
Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”
GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.
Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.
CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!
The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!
And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her
contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.
Images: Giphy (10)
Hello! And welcome back to another very exciting episode of The Bachelorette. I’m calling this episode “very exciting” because this is the episode where Becca will either
bring shame upon her family take someone to the fantasy suite or be so repulsed by someone that she sends him home early. Riveting stuff!
The episode begins, and we’re immediately treated to footage of
a slow moving car crash the journey so far. Becca starts talking about all the men she has left and I’m realizing that she traveled halfway around the world to bang three guys she could have easily swiped right on drunk at a happy hour in Minnesota. Like, none of these guys warrant a romantic trip to Thailand. There’s more personality in a stock photo shoot then what’s happening on my screen rn.
Seriously, which is which I CANNOT TELL!!
Blake gets the first one-on-one date and I already know this will end with him crying after sex. He’s got the face for it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Becca kicks things off by forcing Blake to hike with her through a sacred temple grounds. She’s like, “this will be really fun because we won’t be allowed to touch each other at all!” Tbh that’s sounds like my perfect date so I approve of this.
Oh OF COURSE they run into two wise monks who proceed to lecture them on the secret to a happy life. Somehow I’m thinking that secret doesn’t involve dating 30 men on national television and hoping for the best?
BLAKE: They’re so wise, you know?
Okay, so I know I’ve been going easy on Becca’s outfits these last few weeks and that’s because I’m genuinely worried Cary Fetman added an entry about me in his personal burn book, but I can’t hold back any longer. BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?! It looks like she bought that dress at the airport gift shop, and I’m horrified. This is fantasy suite night and you came dressed for the occasion in a Wet Seal beach cover-up? What is wrong with you???
They start talking about their past relationships, and Blake is trying wayyy too hard to downplay his mental breakdown after his last girlfriend.
BLAKE: It was very hard time for me and my mother definitely did not have to hold me through the night for the next 3-6 months.
Godddd Blake is so needy. He’s like “I can’t ignore the fact that you’re dating other people” and it’s like, you have seen this show before, yes?
Blake and Becca head to the fantasy suite which looks weirdly like the best Marriott in Thailand. Seriously, ABC what’s happening with your budget these days? Thailand is crazy cheap and instead of living like kings for the night they’re living like two people on a mediocre business trip whose points landed them a free room.
Becca keeps looking at Blake like he
is going to rock her world considers gently cradling her face as foreplay. Good luck with that, girl!
Cut to the morning after and the camera pans to Becca’s 99 cent dress on the floor. As if I needed a graphic reminder about what went down in that room last night: some very heavy breathing and Blake prematurely ejaculating after accidentally brushing Becca’s thigh. Please.
Lololol Blake is acting like every girl who got drunk off of too much rosé and is trying to define the relationship as the guy she’s seeing starts putting on his pants and calling an Uber.
BECCA: That was a amazing.
BLAKE: So, like, what are we tho?
Wait. Blake is me. I am Blake.
Jason’s One-On-One Date
Moving on to Jason’s one-on-one. Jason looks far too comfortable in Thailand. Like, he’s definitely made a pact before that what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand on a business trip. Ya feel me?
That smirk says it all.
Also, did Becca get her period on this date? Why is she wearing that towel around her waist? Because I know for goddamn sure it’s not for fashion purposes.
Okay, WHY is everything about food with Jason? First with the wing eating contest and now these crickets? It’s like he wants Becca to have violent diarrhea after every date.
Becca makes a p vague comment about her and Jason’s future together and then immediately freaks out over said comment. I’ve never related to Becca more than in this moment. She’s like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t see a future with this person I met four weeks ago!!” Yes, Becca, this is good. That’s the ABC brainwashing slowly starting to leave your system. That, or blind panic at the start of a bowel movement. Either/or.
Wait so we don’t even get to see the day date at all? Damnnn Jason must have really f*cked up if all we get to see is her walking off with her producer.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. WAIT. Is Becca going to dump him right this second? Figures that she’s going to cut the night short on the night where I’m not immediately horrified by her dress.
Becca dips out on Jason AGAIN and he’s gotta know he’s going home tonight, right? Also, is it wrong that now that I know he’s a loser I’m kinda into him?
So when someone gets up two times to go cry by themselves on a date, they’re probs not into you…. noted #theBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, this conversation is so effing awkward. Like, what does she want him to do? List reasons for why she should keep him? Like, they are talking in circles around each other.
BECCA: I’m not confident about you.
JASON: That feels like a yes, though?
Okay, Jason is pushing HARD to stay the night. He must think his penis can convince her to keep him around for another week. Is that considered big dick energy?
Jason finally gets in the van and is just like “eh, better luck next time.” Seriously? After all of that begging and pleading that’s all you have to say for yourself? Meanwhile, Becca has a small mental breakdown in her suite at the Marriott. If only she could see his monotoned goodbye speech rn.
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Last and certainly most racist, we have Garrett’s one-on-one! Cut to Becca who’s pregaming the date by crying alone in her hotel suite. Again, I can deeply relate to this sentiment. At least the cameras didn’t zoom in on her lonely dress on the floor. What a missed opportunity, ABC!
Becca meets up with Garrett and is like “we’re getting out of the city and doing something the locals do!” And by “doing something the locals do” she means rafting through these people’s backyards.
BECCA THREE MINUTES INTO THIS DATE: I didn’t think, like, the locals would actually be here though?
I love how much they’re struggling with this crowd rn. These people could give one single sh*t that Bachelor contestants are in their presence. Can I just move to this beautiful, pure community?
Moving on. Becca shows up to the dinner and drinks portion of the evening wearing her grandmother’s Elvis costume. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m feeling personally attacked by Cary Fetman. This lace abomination has to be some declaration of war. Has to be. IT HAS A SATIN GODDAMN COLLAR. WHY. Becca does realize the end goal here is to make Garrett want to bang her, right? ‘Cause I’m worried that won’t happen now.
I love that Garrett is like “I’m nervous about commitment” and Becca practically orgasms on that pillow. Meanwhile, Jason, a guy who has exclaimed he loves her for weeks now, gets sent packing. Makes sense.
Wait, is that a freaking tent they’re spending the night in? Everyone else got the best sub-par hotel suite ABC’s points could buy them and these two are relegated to sleeping in the hotel’s backyard? If I were Garrett rn I’d be like “I signed up for Fantasy Suites, not glamping.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god Becca just blew a kiss to Garrett and his responding kiss was a mix between giving her the finger and rolling his eyes. This is the most personality I’ve seen from him all season, and I’m here for it.
The Rose Ceremony
GUYS. JASON. IS. BACK. Omgomgomgomgomg. Just when I was getting genuinely concerned that ABC was going to waste my time for the next 35 minutes the producers somehow coerce Jason into embarrassing himself further on national television. *turns up volume*
JASON: I just want to get some closure so I’m going to knock on her door and talk to her.
Yeah, this isn’t a great start, dude.
Wait what is this story he just gave her? Please tell me it’s not a scrapbook of their time together. Like, did he whip this up in his hotel room last night when the producers told him he needed to have a more emotional exit if he wants to be the next Bachelor? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation behind this sad, handwritten book he just deposited at her doorstep.
Jason: I brought you something#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/hVIgHR1e2f
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, but why is there even a rose ceremony at this point? The anxiety rolling off Blake rn is making me sweat out all the wine I just drank and it’s senseless.
Becca shows up to the rose ceremony in yet another lace dress that makes me question. Chris Harrison asks Becca if she feels good about cutting Jason before the rose ceremony and she’s like “oh yeah, I have two great guys left and plus his hair repulsed me!” I paraphrase.
Becca calls Garrett’s name first and Blake looks like he might murder them both in their sleep. I hope his mother is on call to help him through these dark times.
LOL this toast is so effing awkward. Garrett’s like “thanks for giving me that quality one-on-one time this week.”
ABC continues to waste our time we have “The Men Tell All” where I’m sure no one will take accountability for their actions or give us any insight into their dumbass decisions this season. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (7); @jason_tartick /Instagram (1); ABC (3)
Here we are once again, ready to be assaulted by 80’s cabana wear and oversize sequins, courtesy of lil miss next door Midwest and her stylist, who is out to get us all. Our regular recapper is on vacation, so you’re stuck with me this week. Cry about it in the comments. Anyway, this week, the financially unstable ABC is whisking us away to scenic, exotic RICHMOND, VIRGINIA. That’s right—Virginia is for lovers, and Virginia is all this show can afford! It’s like Utah, but with less natural wonder and more hate crime. What a place.
We get a great intro piece as Becca frolics through a big L-O-V-E sign, only slightly struggling with the spelling.
Becca meets up with Messy Bitch Chris Harrison, and they giggle on a pink couch about how Becca is already planning her wedding. Sounds healthy!
As Becca has some much-needed girl talk with Chris, the guys are ECSTATIC about Richmond and this boutique hotel they’re checking in to.
“Just like Virginia birthed decades of slavery the nation, I hope it births love with Becca.” – Leo ManBun
Chris reminds us that he’s still a psycho, and picks the most underwhelming fight I’ve seen since 5th grade with Famous Floor Shitter, Lincoln.
CHRIS: You’re body shaming me.
LINCOLN: Nuh-uh, bro
CHRIS: Don’t push on me, buddy
LINCOLN: I’m not your buddy, guy
CHRIS: I’m not your guy, friend.
Sometime during this riveting conversation, Jason gets the first one-on-one, and yet Chris STILL finds a way to try to make it about himself. He basically says to Jason, “I’m happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but I’m bout to have the best one-on-one date OF ALL TIME!”
It’s about this point that my husband begins insisting that Jason is the poor man’s version of that guy from 10 Things I Hate About You. He proceeds to Google search that shit and damn, he’s right.
Jason was great in 10 Things I hate About You. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/MfZhglUYng
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) July 3, 2018
Jason and Becca’s date consists of wandering around town, sippin’ Champagne on a private trolley so as to survey the Confederate monuments and alley crack deals from a distance. Have the producers ever BEEN to Richmond? The happy couple heads to an old church, which is kinda like what I just did in Bordeaux except this church is only about 100 years old, has little to no historical significance, and is v underwhelming. They then head to a museum dedicated to Edgar Allen Poe, which is essentially a testimony and monument to a man that died of alcoholism and loneliness—the same fate waiting for about 60% of the viewers of this show. I see you, ABC.
Outside the Poe museum are a group of the goth kids from high school that no one talked to. This is apparently an “unhappy hour” where everyone looks aggressively bored and shoots death glares at Jason and Becca for daring to laugh and express joy. Whose idea was this?? Was this date planned by April Ludgate?
After dedicating far too many minutes to dead things and weirdos, Becks and Jason head to a hipster bar in the white part of town. The producers—er, Becca—has somehow convinced Jason’s friends to come so she can grill them about any weird sex habits really get to know him better. Then it’s time for dinner at the train station, and I always think it’s funny how they choose a giant venue for these one-on-one dinners and end up only using a small corner of the room and not eating anything.
Jason shares a sob story about his grandma who had Alzheimer’s and, naturally, snags the rose. Becca one-ups his story with one about her dad dying and Jason is all, “thanks for sharing that.” It feels like he just thanked her for participating in show-and-tell at an elementary school and not like, revealing how she watched her dad take his last breath. Becks then makes an eloquent speech and says Jason has “all the best characters I’ve ever met in a man.” I’m gonna leave that there.
As they kiss on the balcony, the camera pans to the street below, full of no less than 10 cop cars. Ah, Richmond. Was it a triple homicide? Crack deal gone wrong? Hate crime? Just another night in this scenic city.
The Group Date
Becca is taking her group of miscreants to the capitol building. George Washington AND Abe Lincoln are there and YOU GUYS, seems like the budget is NOT a total loss this season!
It’s time for Beccalection 2018—which is basically just making all the guys stand at podiums on the steps of the capitol and declare how much they love a woman they just met. Really, not diff than regular politics. Thank god their names are on said podiums, because I still can’t keep track.
Suddenly, the governor of fucking Virginia appears. I’m sorry—did he have nothing else to do? How much did ABC pay this man? Again—I’m starting to understand where the budget went this season.
Lincoln starts playing dirty and starts picking at Chris like I’m currently picking at my poison ivy rash (I thought I was immune!). Chris fires back and everything gets real awkward. Pan to the audience of middle-aged white women who all share the same facial expression, which says “Do we clap, or, IDK, WTF DO WE DO? Shit! Help!”
Is Chris really hashing out his fat kid probs in front of His Majesty, The Governor? How dare he! The governor looks v upset and his whole day is prob ruined. I’ve gotta say, though, that the weirdest part about this entire group date is how Becca is asking NONE of the questions in this panel that is literally ABOUT HER. Actually, kind of a metaphor for the current American political system. Carry on.
Oh well, time for a cocktail party at The Haunted Mansion!
For her outfit this evening, Becca goes for a pared-down black jumpsuit and—oh, she sneezed into some glitter sparkles and is now covered in glitter sparkles. Bless you, sweetie.
The arguments continue because Becca tells Chris that Lincoln was talking shit and Chris is all, “OH NO HE DIDN’T” and we’re in fucking middle school. Their conversation breaks down exactly as follows.
Chris: I’m uncomfortable
Becca: I’m uncomfortable
Chris: That makes me uncomfortable
Me: I’m so fucking uncomfortable
Garrett gets angry because he loses out on five minutes with Becca and GARRETT SMASH! tells Lincoln and Chris to grow a pair and STFU. Can anyone tell me what this fight was even about in the first place?
Also sorry, but where TF has Connor been this whole time? I literally just noticed him. Is he new? Also, is Wills consistently high or does he just have crazy facial expressions? Wills has been talking this entire episode like somebody turned his volume knob down to 3. Has anybody else noticed that he is barely audible?? I am not here for it.
Becca goes with her puss gut and gives the rose to Colton. Garrett sad.
Leo ManBun’s One-On-One
Yo, I love Leo. He’s the most down-to-earth one here. Let it be known. Next Bachelor, right there. Leo snags the next one-on-one, probably because Becca wants to talk about his hair care routine. As they fly in a helicopter overlooking plantations and other monuments to slavery, Becca starts feeling sad about how the guys aren’t getting along. She immediately starts in and gushes about this shit to Leo, and, like, this isn’t fair to Leo, Becks.
The shitty date continues in a muddy bog where Becks and Leo dig for oysters. Sidenote: This isn’t SHUCKING OYSTERS. Shucking is when you put a knife in the oyster, try not to stab yourself, and pry it open. The more you know.
Cut to the evening portion of the date, and OH BOY THE SEQUINS ARE BACK! Gosh I missed them. This dress is really great, what with the black netting down the middle. Are they going to Club 54?
Leo tells a sad daddy and baseball story and, while not quite as sad as Jason’s Alzheimer’s story, it still earns him a rose. Is past family trauma a requisite for being on this show? I wonder if that’s a question you have to fill out in their giant questionnaire. Anyway. Leo and Becca head to a concert given by someone I’ve never heard of, and they have to pretend to be excited to see this guy who probably was performing open mic nights at the local bar like, two weeks prior to filming.
After Becca’s endearing mom dancing, we cut to Chris writing what I assume is a suicide note, or at the least a very sad handwritten book. More and more throughout this episode, Chris decides to lean into his Crazy Eddie persona. It is terrifying. Chris seems like the type of guy that would get mad at you because a guy friend liked one of your Instagrams. He needs to go.
Chris shows up at Becca’s hotel, and you can tell she’s laughing to cover up the fact that she is likely pants-shittingly afraid.
Becca opening the door to Chris was eerily reminiscent of this other time she opened the door to a surprise visit from someone she can’t stand #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/zuhCAJIDHF
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 3, 2018
BECKS: Oh hi, uh hi! Teehee!
BECKS: What are you doing here, teeheeteehee!
CHRIS: whattssssuppp whats up
BECKS: Come on in, teehee
After a really spectacular convo, Becca tells Chris they’re not going to find love in this hopeless franchise. Well, Chris, your plan backfired spectacularly. It’s almost like asking for constant reassurance that your fake girlfriend likes you is not an attractive look?? Hm. Color me shocked. THEN, after all that, he tries to insist he doesn’t need Becca to walk him out, which is basically the equivalent of every guy who slides into your DMs and, after telling him you have a boyfriend, is all “fuck you bitch, you’re ugly and I never liked you anyway.” BOY, BYE.
The Rose Ceremony
Once again, Becca cancels the cocktail party because she got drunk alone in her room and picked out another sequin dress. Unsurprisingly, Lincoln gets the boot and so does Connor, who, again, I literally didn’t remember existed until this episode. (But I would still like a moment of silence for him and his glasses, which were the best part of this episode.) Anyone else think it was weird that Connor got an exit interview and Lincoln didn’t? What did Lincoln say? Did it get cut? Release the tapes!
IMAGES: ABC (4); Giphy (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (2)
Well, people, we made it to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read: week 5. So far only one of Becca’s 10 remaining suitors has proven to be a convicted felon. Tbh I expected that number to be higher with this crowd. Anyway. This week Becca and the men are off to Las Vegas! Because nothing says true love like 24 hour wedding chapels and gambling addiction.
Also, how many times do we think we’ll hear the phrase “roll the dice on love” tonight? It’s 8:02 and they’ve already said it twice… I’m scared.
JASON: She had Vegas going on from head-to-toe.
That’s not Vegas, Jason, that’s an internalized cry for help! Like, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GODDAMN SEQUINS?? I am glad, though, that the men are starting to become aware of the visual assault happening before our eyes every damn week. They need to go into this with both eyes open.
The One-On-One Date
Colton gets the first one-on-one date this week. I guess Becca is really feeling
like Tia might be watching this episode the connection between them.
Okay, but what in the actual fuck is this date, though? The entire thing could have literally been filmed in front of a green screen. It doesn’t make sense. There’s some sort of camel tour happening, except instead of following beautiful Vegas sights and landmarks they’re following a chain link fence. Is that a hot tub at the end of this tour? Of fucking course. Because who wouldn’t want to have a nice romantic soak in the middle of a parking lot?
HAHA I love that these camels are trying to save Becca from herself rn. They’re walking at least 20 paces away from each other, which is good because now Becca can really think about if she likes Colton or if she just likes that another girl wants to bang him.
These camels out here doing the lord’s work
Cut to the cocktail portion of the date. Do we think Colton is referring to Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman when he starts talking about his ex who didn’t love him? Because if he is, that’s blasphemous and I won’t hear it. So sorry Aly was too busy winning multiple gold medals and crusading for women and sexual assault victims to tell your thirsty ass that you’re pretty, Colton. SO SORRY.
Okay, Colton is less hot the more they zoom in on him and Becca making out. Why does he keep grabbing her hands and making air circles with them?
Colton gets the rose, but are we really surprised here? The only thing that could have stopped him from getting that rose was if he said he murdered his grandma or is a registered sex offender. Oh wait. That actually does get you a rose on this show these days.
Shop Betches The Bachelor One-On-One Tank
The Group Date
For the group date Becca brings out Wayne Newton to spice things up, and I have a lot of questions here. One, what are the numbers for the celebrity guest budget this season? ‘Cause right now it looks like all ABC can afford are third-tier celebs blackmailed into being there. Also, why are Wayne Newton’s eyes so fucking terrifying? They look like they’re trying to pop out of their tightly pulled prison. It’s so alarming.
NOOOOO. Why is there another episode that involves singing? What did I do to deserve this?
ME FINDING OUT WHAT THE GROUP DATE IS THIS WEEK:
Honestly, I can’t stop thinking about Wayne Newton singing to his wife. I’m going to see it in my nightmares.
Once again, Becca forces the men to write a song about her. I feel like Becca listed her hobbies as “sports and music” and they just ran with that for all of her dates.
Chris is feeling cocky AF because he got one half-hearted clap from Richard Marx two episodes ago. YOU’RE NOT BETTER THAN ME, CHRIS.
WAYNE NEWTON: I was very surprised with their ability to use rhyme and foreign languages.
ALSO WAYNE NEWTON: I was very surprised with their ability to string sentences together at all.
Well fucking said, Wayne. Well said.
The guys have to sing their songs in front of a live Vegas audience. How pissed do you think these people are at Groupon for misleading them about the talent this evening? Because this feels like cruel and unusual punishment tbh.
The men start performing, and I can’t decide what’s more painful: the sounds coming out of their mouths or the sequined atrocity on Becca’s body.
After the glee club concert from hell, Becca takes the guys to the location of part two of the date: an abandoned ice rink! Seriously WHO is planning these dates?? Why does every date locale look like it was filmed outside the Las Vegas city limits? Are these guys not allowed in certain parts of Vegas? With their criminal records, this seems likely.
CHRIS: If you want something you’ll make time for it.
Spoken like me justifying my decision to go completely scorched Earth on a guy I was seeing for three months because he wouldn’t come meet me at a bar one night. FUCK YOU, JAKE.
Blake aka the poor man’s Miles Teller gets the group date rose, and somewhere Chris is plotting how to murder him and shove the pieces of his body down a trash chute. His abandonment issues don’t at all feel like a red flag in this moment.
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
The Two-On-One Date
Finally, we get to the two-on-one date with Jordan and David that ABC has been teasing all goddamn night. Vegas odds that Becca leaves both of them in the desert to die together?
Okay, but WTF is this date? They’re just stranded in a canyon somewhere? No food? No Champagne? This is like that scene in Rat Race where Cuba Gooding Jr. has to make shoes out of his own shirt and trek through the desert. Actually, I’d pay to see Jordan try to do that.
Becca’s like “it’s so peaceful and quiet out here!” Meanwhile, David feels like this is his cue to describe, in minute detail, the sediment on the ground. He should be eliminated for not knowing the important life skill of when to shut the fuck up.
Becca realizes she’s not going to get any peace and fucking quiet with David here practicing his monologue so she pulls David aside to talk to first and he immediately starts shitting on Jordan.
DAVID: Jordan said he was SETTLING with you and that you’re his SECOND choice.
ALSO DAVID: I reminded Becca of her ex and most traumatic experience to date, so yeah, couldn’t feel better right now. I’m so happy for me.
Okay, Jordan’s sad electricity story makes me feel feelings but also reminds me of when Derek Zoolander went back to work in the coal mines, which was such a moving part of that film and possibly where Jordan got the idea for his sob story. Just saying.
Is it just me or does it seem like Becca is leading the kindergarten class trip from hell? Becca’s like “you guys are really ruining my date of sitting in the desert in silence so could you cut it the fuck out.” PREACH, girl!
OH SHIT. THE CHICKEN GOES HOME. Honestly, about fucking time. Once again we learn that starting shit in the Bachelor mansion gets you nowhere. I mean, I get the impulse because that’s kinda my current career philosophy and personal brand, but still.
Back to Becca’s date with Jordan. We enter the dinner and drinks portion of the evening, and I have a feeling Jordan is still going home. He’s only in competition with himself, and that can’t end well for him. I mean, he’s funny, but he has about as much depth to him as a toaster.
JORDAN: I really want to get to know the real you.
ALSO JORDAN: Do you like to go out on Fridays?
HAHA did he really just ask her about her weekend habits? I’m pretty sure that when Becca said she was “an open book, ask me anything” she didn’t mean ask her how frequently she brunches.
Jordan gets sent home too, and honestly I can’t say I’m surprised. I knew it was over for him when he started going into an in-depth discussion about how the rules of hair care are simple and finite and any Cosmo girl would know.
JORDAN: How did I get sent home? I can speak, I can walk.
Yes, Jordan, it seems those are the only qualifications one needs for this show these days. RIP, friend. You and your gold booty shorts will be missed. Can’t wait to see you on Paradise!
The Rose Ceremony
Becca grabs Chris right off the bat and Chris is like “you’re lucky I’m willing to breathe near your direction after yesterday.” Okay, Chris you can go shave your back now.
Is it just me or is Becca wayyy too sensitive to be the Bachelorette? I know she got dumped on national television, but it feels like every other word that comes out of these guys’ mouths is triggering for her.
Chris tries to steal Becca away from Wills and even though Wills is dressed like my grandpa’s sofa he’s acting cool AF in this situation. It’s so fucking hot.
Chris: Can I steal you for a sec?
Me: #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/Tz197Raevs
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) June 26, 2018
THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I want to crawl into my wallpaper rn. I can’t.
Chris keeps asking for two more minutes and Wills, whom I was always sure was a Hufflepuff but am now CONVINCED is a Gryffindor, is like “nah, step off.”
WILLS: I’m gonna ask you to respect me and please GTFO
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, but WILLS YOU CAN CALL ME. This feels like an appropriate time to put it into the universe that if Wills is not the next Bachelor, I will personally burn ABC studios to the ground.
Sidenote: If Colton ignored Becca all night you know she would still give him a rose. I feel like this attention thing is a flimsy excuse at best to send Chris home.
Chris is like “you make me a better man because normally when a chick pisses me off I
bang her best friend bail and I’m not doing this here.” Becca, honey, I say this with love, but this guy is a bigger red flag than that dress you have on rn. SEND HIM HOME.
John ends up getting sent home because ABC doesn’t want us to have nice things. How the floor shitter/CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER lasted longer than the guy who created fucking Venmo is beyond me.
ME WATCHING BECCA RUIN HER LIFE ONE ROSE CEREMONY AT A TIME:
Well, fam, that’s it for this week. Next week it looks like the Bach crew is going to the exotic destination of Richmond, Virginia. I’M FUCKING DEAD. At this rate they should take a “magical journey” to the parking lot outside the Roosevelt Field Mall by the end of the season. Kisses!
IMAGES: Giphy (78; @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
Hello, and welcome back to another thrilling episode of The Bachelorette! And by “thrilling” I mean about as lively as what’s happening behind Chris’s cold, dead eyes during his date with Becca. This week, ladies, you’re in for a real treat because my mother is visiting me and she treats watching The Bachelorette like
an important mother/daughter bonding moment she’s being held at gunpoint, and she’s not wrong. I’m sure her commentary will prove riveting. So on that positive note, shall we continue with the recap?
Are they talking about the goddamn weather rn? I’m so glad this episode is starting off about as strong as my last performance review.
The Group Date
Becca selects her next group date, and I’m slightly shocked that I know who half these people are. The guys in this room have the combined personality of a potted plant and yet somehow I know who every single one of these dudes is. I’m going to revisit this upsetting fact with my therapist later.
MY MOTHER: Does this girl know these guys? Why are they on these dates?
ME: Yes, Becca knows them.
MY MOTHER: But what’s the criteria behind her selecting them for these dates?
MY MOTHER: Oh for god’s sake. I’m going back to reading my book.
As I said, she’s thrilled to be here. THRILLED.
Becca brings out her ABC-approved friends for a chill brunch before the boys come in. And by “chill brunch” I mean she grills the ever-loving shit out of Tia. She’s like “We’re going to the spa! We’re going to be so relaxed! Also, Tia, you banged my man and what do you have to say for yourself?”
Okay, this spa robe is the least hideous thing I’ve seen Becca wear all season. Is it sad that my bar for her style is set somewhere below hotel freebies?
This date is already sooooo fucking awkward. Tia grabs Colton for a hello hug. Meanwhile, Becca is low-key calculating how many breaths Tia has left on this earth.
LOL Becca just forgot Jason’s name, and I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I don’t know who’s in deeper shit here. Colton, the man who has 100 percent seen Tia naked, or the guy whose name Becca can barely recall.
The boys are supposed to pamper Becca and her friends, and this entire date feels like some elaborate trap. Whether it’s a trap for Becca’s fame-thirsty friends or the guys, I’m not sure, but I am on high fucking alert. HIGH. ALERT.
Becca grabs Tia for some girl time aka she wants to get to the bottom of this Colton shit. I’m half expecting Caroline to mediate this shit by throwing in a few scathing “how could you’s?” every five seconds of this convo. Tbh if I were Becca I would not trust one word that comes out of Tia’s mouth. This entire date she’s been quietly seething that Arie had to go and ruin her chances of being the Bachelorette. She’s a nasty skank bitch, Becca! Do not trust her!
BECCA: So you’d be okay with me being with Colton?
TIA: Yes, of course! Duh! But also Colton came on the show for me and only me.
BECCA, THIS GIRL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. She’s right up there with your stylist as enemy #1 on your journey to find happiness.
Here’s the flaw in Tia’s thinking though: Why would Colton go on the show hoping Tia is the new Bachelorette if he’s already dating Tia?
Nah. Clearly, this boy just wants to be famous and he doesn’t care which famous-adjacent girl he has to seduce to do it.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of this date. I’m not immediately repulsed by Becca’s ensemble this evening, so this is a good start.
Becca pulls Jason aside and is like, “I forgot your name but I have a crush on you!” Which is something I’ve said after showing up to a date half a bottle of wine deep so, like, it’s fair. Tbh they would make a nice mediocre-looking couple together. And that’s about as much of a ringing endorsement as you’ll ever get from me. You’re welcome.
Elsewhere, Jordan is, like, bragging about his Tinder matches.
MY MOTHER AFTER LISTENING TO JORDAN CLARIFY HIS TINDER SUCCESS RATE IS FROM MATCHES, NOT SWIPES: This is how people’s brain cells die.
God, the chicken guy is bitchier than the risk management chair in my sorority. He’s like, “Jordan showed up in his underwear at the last rose ceremony and he’s not serious about dating Becca.”
BECCA: Did you or did you not show up in chicken suit night one?
THANK YOU, BECCA. The voice of fucking reason here.
Also, I can’t believe Becca is being forced to have a serious discussion with Jordan about his Tinder matches.
Sidenote: Does anyone have a 100 percent dating app success rate? And if they do, what’s their STD contraction success rate? Jw.
Jordan confronts David about tattling on him. I can only assume he’s this pissed because he had a specific deal with Bumble to only mention Bumble when he has screen time and now David is ruining his early sponsorship success.
JORDAN: Attached to me is professionality. It’s my face. And you can’t ruin that.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
Becca has yet another discussion with Colton about if he did or did not play a game of “just the tip” with Tia. Honestly, I’m tired of this conversation already. You know you want to bang him even though he’s a scumbag, so just pick him already and get it over with.
She asks him if he’s here for her and he goes “yeah.” YEAH. What a solid proclamation of his intentions. OMFG AND HE GETS THE ROSE FOR THIS. Damn. She must really not want him to slide into Tia’s DMs later.
ME: *whispers to self* She’s so fucking dumb and she has no style
The One-On-One Date
Moving on to the one-on-one date. Becca chooses Chris for this date and I’d rather hack off my own limbs than spend one single solitary moment in this guy’s presence, but to each their own. Every happiness to you both.
BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?? I am horrified. She’s dressed in head-to-toe leather, a bra, and a bedazzled dog collar. I’m not sure what’s going on behind the scenes at ABC studios but I’m calling the police.
For the date they’re supposed to write their own love song, and Chris looks like he would rather swallow glass than say something nice about the girl sitting next to him. Honestly, in that outfit, I completely understand.
Okay, but seriously what is Chris’ damage here? He’s acting like he’s such a tortured soul but the only person being truly tortured here appears to be this poor, poor musician. Seriously. How hard up for money does this guy have to be if he’d willingly choose to sing a Bachelorette’s shitty poem on live fucking television? Is this what rock bottom looks like?
Cut to the cocktail portion of this evening, and Becca is once again blinding me with her outfit choice. Just once I’d like for Becca to show up to a date in something that isn’t bedazzled. Just once. It’s like Forever 21 or bust with this bitch.
Damn. Chris’s sob story is dark. But real talk, you know this whole “daddy doesn’t love me“ schtick is getting Becca so hot rn. She’s like “finally someone has a more tragic past than getting dumped on live television!”
The date ends with Becca making out with Chris and all of his daddy issues, whilst the famed musician sings for his supper in the background. I hope they tell this story to their kids one day. Not as their love story, but as a cautionary tale of what can happen if you take a wrong turn in your career.
OMFG. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE RN. The episode takes a strange detour and we see the chicken guy getting rolled out of the Bachelor mansion on a stretcher, covered in blood, and no one is addressing why this happened.
I feel like ABC wants us to believe Jordan had something to do with this, and I’m not buying it. If he were going to commit an act of violence, it would be against Becca’s stylist for personally offending
me him week after week with her style selections. That feels more in his wheelhouse.
WAIT. THE CHICKEN GUY IS IN THE INTENSIVE CARE UNIT. Chris Harrison shows up at Becca’s door and breaks the news about David. He’s being suuuper vague about what happened, but somehow David got mad fucked up at the house and is in the hospital?? Becca’s like “
Did Garrett do it? Who did this?” Honestly, there are so many rage-aholics in this house that any one of them could have done this. You’ve got some real winners on your hands there, Becca!
Wait…. DAVID WAS INJURED FROM FALLING OUT OF HIS BED.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh that’s so good. I’d love to know how many summer shandies it took for this kid to get fucked up and fall off his bunk bed. What an
Evan Bass bold approach at trying to catch Becca’s attention. Hope it works for him!
The Second Group Date
We finally make it to the second group date, and is it just me, or does it feel like we literally did this exact same date last week? I mean, I know football and dodgeball are different, but also…are they?
Okay, Becca seems literally unphased that the chicken guy mangled his face (and chances with her) last night. She’s like “anyways, I want to see some hot, sweaty boys!!”
The boys prepare themselves for the “Becca Bowl” as I prepare myself to drink until I forget that Leo just insulted another man’s hair. You have no room to talk, pal. NO ROOM.
This date is so boring that my mother is actually full-on passed out on this couch. Also, I just left the room for five minutes to chug as much rosé as needed to get through the last stretch of this episode, only to come back and see that Clay is injured?? HE’S A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. Isn’t it, like, his job to know how to play this game without getting randomly injured??
The ambulance whisks Clay away and the camera pans to Becca, who looks like she’s starting to question if men are actively putting themselves in the ICU to get away from her.
Cut to the cocktail party, where Becca is dressed in a velvet robe. A. VELVET. ROBE. *Looks to sky for guidance* Honestly, with an outfit like that I would not be surprised if a few more guys “fall” off their bunk beds before the rose ceremony later.
Speaking of which, Clay returns from the hospital and is treating his sprained wrist like it’s a goddamn Purple Heart. It’s the most underhanded thing I’ve seen him do, and I’m p impressed. Clay’s ploy works because he gets the group date rose. Well deserved, kid!
The Rose Ceremony
My immediate reaction to this rose ceremony is this: Red satin dress and flat hair. Fuck off, Becca. Seriously, why do I even try and root for you?
In a shocking turn of events, Clay decides that he wants to leave the show because he needs an operation and that’s his story and he’s sticking to it. Like, what a fucking joke. This PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE sprains his wrist and immediately bounces? All I’m saying is Grocer Joe wouldn’t have gone out so easy. #NeverForget. I can’t wait to watch Becca emotionally unravel upon receiving this news.
There’s no rose ceremony tonight because ABC loves to waste my fucking time. All we know right now is that Colton and Chris both have roses, and Becca may or may not have caused two separate men to commit bodily harm against themselves at the thought continuing to date her. Next week should be lit, ladies.
Images: Giphy (7); @bachelorettabc /Instagram (1); ABC (3)
The season premiere of The Bachelorette finally arrived and it was…underwhelming, to say the least. Seriously, the most exciting part of that entire episode was seeing how far Jordan would go to extort himself for more Instagram followers. But we’ll get to that in this Bachelorette recap. First, let’s start at the beginning. And by “beginning” I mean the designated 10-15 minutes ABC will need to replay Becca’s utter humiliation and devastation for the sake of last season’s ratings. Obviously.
The episode opens to the tune of Becca sniffling, so it’s off to a strong start already.
MY ROOMMATE AFTER 2.5 SECONDS OF WATCHING BECCA IN HYSTERICS OVER THE POLAROIDS: I’m out, I can’t do this.
Take me with you?
The camera keeps panning to different shots of the
frozen tundra scenic landscape of Minnesota. I literally can’t tell if I’m watching Becca’s season or some hybrid version of Bachelorette/Winter Games.
BECCA: This is my time, my moment, my choice
Lol I especially love that she keeps emphasizing the word “choice” here. As if she would ever choose Arie had she not been held captive by ABC for six weeks. Thanks for the clarification, Becs!
Becca meets up with a few of the former Bachelorettes, otherwise known as their Victor’s Tour. They’re supposed to drink wine and give advice as to what Becca can expect from the men this season but, like, she’s dated a living, breathing human man before so I’m sure this won’t be much different.
JOJO: We’re standing on sacred ground here
ME: Isn’t this where you dry-humped Jordan in the middle of a cocktail party?
Tbh the only advice I’m coming away with from here is that I never want to sit next to Jojo on a couch, heinous jumpsuit or no. That bitch is beautiful.
We now cut to Becca picking out her dress for night one. I’ve already discussed AT LENGTH my feelings about Becca’s stylist (she’s a life ruiner, Becca!), and while I don’t love this dress, she does look great this season. She’s looking like she might actually find that former athlete of her dreams.
The men are starting to arrive, but first, we get to see what a few of these garbage people are like in the comforts of
their own homes production’s pre-approved location where they can play out the desired storyline. Here’s what we’ve got:
Garrett is from Reno. BYE. Hard pass. Becca, send him home for that alone.
Jordan, the self-proclaimed “model,” proudly states that he can see himself on the couch with Becca. What an amazing future you’ve laid out for her!! How’s a girl supposed to turn down an amazing offer like that?!
JORDAN: I can see us on the couch, in sweats, with the chocolates.
As if I am to believe that a single glass of Champagne at the cocktail party won’t be Jordan’s cheat day for the month. K. Jordan is like that skinny girl who thinks tweeting about how much pizza she eats makes her sound cool.
Moving on to the limo introductions. Okay, so I know Colton is trash because of his v sketchy past prior to filming, but he’s so beautiful I might forgive him. Like, what a cute intro he had! Good work, Colton. Next.
Grant’s next out of the limo and he starts off his relationship with Becca by bringing up her ex. Thanks for never letting the girl forget she’s a pity Bachelorette!
Jean Blanc makes Becca say “let’s do the damn thing” in french. My Do The Damn Thing official count is at 6 and we’re only two minutes into the limo intros. Someone fucking kill me please.
GOOD GOD. That hair. If Leo walked out of the limo for me I would call Chris Harrison over, slap him, and say “fuck you.”
Jordan comes out of the limo and visibly has to turn his personality on before he can tell Becca hello. Didn’t anyone else see that stumble??
BECCA: Hi there
JORDAN: *computer whirring sound*
Oh! I stand corrected. Apparently Jordan is the creative genius behind his very own personal brand: the pensive gentlemen. Lolololol. Please tell me he has that printed on a business card. Like, did he steal that brand name from one of Derek Zoolander’s looks? Or from a shitty whiskey subscription box service?
Okay, but why are these guys fucking bewildered that there are more than five people competing for Becca’s attention? They have watched the show, yes?
JEAN BLANC: There’s a lot more guys than I anticipated.
THIS ISN’T HINGE, JEAN. You’re gonna have to do a little more than mumble some French and rely on your bio line to get you laid.
Kamil is the reason I question if men should be allowed to walk freely in this world. Right off the bat he’s like, “relationships work 60/40 so you better come to me, Becca.” Did he just BECKON her like she’s a dog or something? Did he??
If you’ll recall, Kamil was the guy who wrote “social media participant” as his job description, which felt honest at the time but now feels a little too spot-on. Why do I get the feeling that he’s about to comment on Becca’s Instagram from last night and say something like “whatever, you’re fat and I didn’t want you anyway”?
Okay, I retract my previous statements about Jordan. He needs to stay on this show forever. While the rest of the guys are feeling a single moment of insecurity for the first time in their entire damn lives, he’s acting like he’s Tyra Banks when one of the models from middle America shows up in a Juicy Couture tracksuit to judging.
JORDAN: First off, put some goddamn socks on. At least wear a pocket square.
Goddd fucking damnit. There’s a grown-ass man dressed in a chicken suit. I thought this was The Bachelorette, not my suggested matches on Hinge.
Wait. Was that it? That’s all the men? I genuinely do not remember one single guy. How am I supposed to guess which guy will get the First Impression Rose if there was no lasting first impression to speak of??
BECCA: As you guys know, I went through a very public breakup, so please stop fucking bringing it up.
Little does she know that two minutes prior to this cheers-ing a group of them were in the kitchen commenting on how courageous Becca is for even finding the will to get out of bed each morning. So sweet.
So far none of these guys are really impressing me. There’s more personality in the cardboard cutout of Arie than in this entire mansion full of men.
Speaking of which, Jean Blanc decides that his second impression will be to gift Becca with an engraved candle in which he’s inscribed a poem. Just when I thought the “colonoisseur” couldn’t out-douche himself, there he goes exceeding my expectations. Congrats.
God, how many of these men are going to incorporate the phrase “let’s do the damn thing” into their conversations with her?
BECCA AFTER HEARING “LET’S DO THE DAMN THING” FOR THE 20TH TIME THIS EVENING: Omg I said that one time!
Becca is actually giving the chicken man the time of day and it’s making me question her already shitty taste in men. This is going to be like the Tickle Monster all over again, isn’t it? Ladies, we have to set the bar higher than men that are hiding their fetishes behind weird costumes!
Becca’s like “Garrett likes to fish and hunt and reminds me of
my ex home so I’m into him.” What a strong foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. *sips wine*
Is it just me or is this cocktail party especially boring? Like why hasn’t anyone gotten wasted and tried to jump into the pool? Or at least accidentally spilled red wine on Jordan’s pocket square for funsies?
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Chris, whom I actually liked for three seconds, tries to start some shit with Chase because that strategy worked so well for Blake and Whaboom last season. He’s like “some girl texted me and said you’re a douche and I’m telling everyone!!”
Okay, this conversation is just painful to watch. Like, what did Chase even do? Did he ghost this girl or something? Cause that’s kind of what it sounds like, but also so has every other pocket square-wearing asshole in that room. Whatever. I’m bored now.
Aaand the truth comes out about Jake From Minnesota! If you’ll recall, Becca casually whispered “what did I do to deserve this” under her breath when he exited the limo, so it’s clear she’s known him for longer than this cocktail party. Why do I feel like he’s the guy she friend zoned back home who’s now followed her onto The Bachelorette?
JAKE: I’ve had a very transformative year. Now that all of America wants you, I want you too.
First of all, I’m really curious what Jake means by “a very transformative year.” My two immediate thoughts: he either like, went to rehab or studied abroad in Europe. There is no in-between.
Oh shit, she just sent him home! In the middle of the cocktail party! I mean, I wasn’t expecting this guy to last but I certainly wasn’t expecting Becca to be so cold when she let him go. I knew you had it in you, girl!
Wills tries to explain his Harry Potter tattoo and it’s eerily similar to the way my sorority sister tried to explained the hidden meaning behind her “live, laugh, love” tattoo. Just quit while you’re ahead, kid. Also, people who think liking Harry Potter makes them quirky and interesting are among my least favorite people. Like, let me guess, do you also enjoy wine nights?
Becca’s about to hand out the First Impression Rose and I genuinely have no idea who she’ll pick. The only connection I’ve witnessed this entire fucking episode is between the chicken guy and his chicken puns. At least he’s consistent.
Anddd Garrett gets the rose. I’d say I’m shocked, but he does seem like her type. After Arie, I doubt this girl will ever date outside her comfort zone again.
We’re finally at the rose ceremony, and there’s so much fake tension in the room I can’t. Though by far the most interesting part of this entire episode is watching the guys slowly start to unravel when Becca picks the chicken guy. It’s fun to watch guys question their self-worth for once in their goddamn lives.
LEO: I’m a different kind of guy, the best kind of guy. There’s no way she won’t pick me.
BECCA: *chooses a grown man in a chicken suit over him*
Final rose cut: Jake, Kamil, Joe the Grocer, Darius (*weeps*), Chase, Grant, and Christian all get sent home. All I have to say about this is, Joe, you deserved better. #JusticeForJoe
KAMIL: I’ve never been dumped this hard on
national television a first date.
Kamil, please learn from this experience. That’s all.
Well, that was thoroughly disappointing. I think filing my taxes may have been more entertaining than those two hours of my life that I will never get back again. The most shocking revelation of this entire episode, I think, was that Christon’s name is pronounced “Christ-ahn” and not “Kristen”. ABC, you better step the fuck up with the drama! I came here to drink wine and talk shit, not drink wine and pass out on my couch before 10pm. BYE.
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (2)
Hello, and welcome back to yet another week where ABC has decided to taunt me by teasing footage of Becca’s season of The Bachelorette. That’s right, people, with a little less than two weeks until the premiere, ABC has released another Bachelorette teaser that tells us literally nothing about what we can expect from Becca’s season, except that I’m definitely going to continue questioning why the male species is allowed to roam freely on this earth. Fun! Production released both a new video and a new promotional image and they are… a lot to unpack. It’s like they think I don’t have anything better to do with my Monday than to analyze every minute detail in this one 30 second teaser, and they’d be right, because that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
First things first, let’s start off with the never before seen video footage ABC has so graciously decided to let us get a glimpse of:
It's time to bring on the men! They better not chicken out. ???? #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/QJFMEmunBe
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 12, 2018
Aye yai yai. Lord, Jesus, fix it.
K, well this is clearly from night one, the night when Becca meets all of the men for the first time. It’s also the night when she can see if she signed her soul away to ABC for the man of her dreams or the human embodiment of pond scum. This should be good. The video gives us a first look at the “men” vying for Becca’s heart. I’m using quotes around men here because I’ve seen better behaved circus animals, but okay, ABC. I mean, I get that the show has to entertain us at the expense of this woman’s emotional heartbreak and vulnerability but, like, what is with these swamp monsters? Can’t we at least PRETEND to find her a man who’s not just looking to jump-start his career on Instagram?
That said, I’ve chosen a few men who really
alarmed and terrified stood out to me from the premiere teaser to cast my first impression rose insults on:
Minivan Guy: Ah, yes. Because nothing says sex appeal like pulling up to the curb in the sweet ride you most definitely borrowed from your mother. I hope he dies alone in his basement bachelor pad.
Chicken Suit Guy: Becca asked for a man to be in a serious, committed relationship with, and ABC delivered a man whose idea of wooing a woman involves squawking at her. Excuse me, I’m just going to update my petition to have all men sterilized.
Guy Who Brought Her Ex To The Party: This guy is one to watch out for. He took a page out of the Jersey Shore douchebag playbook, but instead of showing up with a blow-up doll like Pauly D did when Sam’s therapist refused to let her go on Family Vacation, this guy jumped out of the limo with a life size cut-out of Arie. I guess I’m grateful that his level of class is only slightly above Snooki’s Bump It. And while I’m hoping that he turns Arie’s face into a dart board for the house, I’m also thinking that this guy might be into mind games. I mean, why else would he start off a new relationship by literally throwing her ex in her face? Also, why do I low-key feel like Becca might be into this?
Moving on to the image ABC chose to promote Becca as an attractive, desirable woman:
It's Becca's turn to hand out the roses starting May 28! ???? #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/lq2mN0fMkD
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) May 13, 2018
There’s a lot of triggering shit happening in this image, number one being the ugliest effing jacket I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I haven’t felt this personally victimized by a Bachelorette’s outfit choice since Rachel’s mustard yellow jorts.
Back to the lace blazer though. I knew that Becca’s status as Bachelorette would award her certain branding deals, but I didn’t realize that one of those opportunities would be as Kohl’s newest “it girl”. Way to dream big, Becs! Then there’s the matter of that heinous ring that’s hovering near the satin pocket flap of her jacket. I know she’s trying to distract people from a certain newly bare finger, but the half-priced jewelry section at Charming Charlie is no way to go about doing that. I was rooting for you, Becca! We were all rooting for you!
Now then, even though I just spent the last 45 minutes ripping this season to shreds, that doesn’t mean that I don’t remain optimistic that the show will prove me and these promos wrong, and that this will be a season filled with quality men and non-heinous fashion. LOL KIDDING! Bring on the shit show.
Images: Giphy (1); @bacheloretteabc /Twitter (2)