The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Waste My Time, ABC, You Know How That Thrills Me

Welcome back to your favorite Bachelorette recap! Last week, Gabby and Rachel headed home with their men and it was… certainly something. Give these ladies a Purple Hearts, because they have seen some shit. Gabby spent a harrowing 24 hours in both Florida and New Orleans, while Rachel faced off for Middle Earth with Tino’s dad and discovered that Tyler’s entrepreneurial ventures amounted to renting a Ms. Pac-Man machine somewhere on a boardwalk in New Jersey. 

But if you thought there would be any sort of resolution from hometowns, think again, because this week ABC is delighting us with two hours of men explaining things to us. As if that isn’t my whole damn life, but carry on. Be prepared to watch a room full of America’s supposed “eligible bachelors” remind us why therapy is important. There will be screaming, there will be yelling, there will be Meatball refusing to tell us his legal name. Let’s get into it! 

Hometown #7: Aven In Salem, Massachusetts

Before the men fight it out gladiator-style for relevancy and Instagram followers, we’ve got to round out hometowns with Aven’s date in Salem, Massachusetts. This should be fun. I can’t think of a better spot to foster deep, romantic feelings than the first place in American history where men fucked over women en masse. 

Rachel seems worried that their relationship is as cursed as Aven’s bloodline. He mentioned several episodes back that his parents have never liked the girls he’s brought home to meet them. She doesn’t want his parents to hate her. She actually can’t have his parents hate her. Tino’s dad is already demanding a lot from her. He wants her to write a 500-word essay, written in her own blood, on why she likes his son, and then to track down Voldemort’s seven horcruxes. She can’t take on any more parental hostility at the moment. 

I shouldn’t have worried, because Aven has been thinking about ways they can ensure his parents root for their love story. What does his rock-solid plan entail? A visit to see the “Love Witch”, of course!


I’ve never seen Rachel’s face light up quite like at the mention of half-priced crystals. Of course Rachel is into crystals. That is the most white girl shit I’ve ever heard. I worry she’s also the type that needs to consult her psychic before making basic adult decisions. 

The Love Witch wants to do a love spell, because nothing says “unbreakable bond” like words chanted directly from an Urban Outfitters basic bitchcraft spell book. As if the universe can sense a white girl trying to change her fate, Rachel’s good vibes come crashing down—along with the table carrying the weight of their spell. I love that their love spell just chose to spontaneously combust rather than enter the world. Not a good sign, girlie. Your moon isn’t even rising right now!

Next up: meeting the parents. My first reaction upon seeing Aven’s parents is that the Wiccan store/love spell date suddenly makes so much more sense. His mom is definitely the type to charge her moonstones. It’s also incredibly obvious how his parents ended up divorced. Aven’s dad is the type to talk about how romance is more than fancy dinners and romantic trips, and Aven’s mom is a woman in her 50s with a nose ring. The one thing they agree on is that they support their son and, begrudgingly, Rachel. But don’t worry, Aven’s mom is already communing with the spirits to bless their union with happiness and a prosperous lineage of women. Aven’s dad will be ready and waiting with the divorce lawyer. 

The Men Tell All… Or At Least, Whatever Their Brand Partners Allow In Between Breaks Of Their SponCon

What occurs next is a 90-minute montage of ads, trailers, and promotions. The last time someone was selling me something this hard, I accidentally liked my sorority sister’s IG story about her CBD business. Suddenly, the Euro trip budget makes so much more sense. Here I thought ABC’s bountiful budget was the result of the showrunners performing a human sacrifice of their least lucrative Bachelor contestants. Instead, it appears to be the result of ABC selling what little soul it has left to any advertiser willing to shill out for prime Tell All real estate. So, in a sense, they are still performing a sacrifice, just of our remaining brain cells. 

No one is earning their paycheck more than Jesse Palmer. After spending an entire season practically being green-screened into each episode, the man is front and center for tonight’s Tell All. He tells us that we won’t get a rose ceremony tonight (all the men apparently make it to Fantasy Suites). He can’t be bothered to air that footage when he’s got Meatball in front of a studio audience ready to lather himself in marinara sauce. 

I cannot emphasize enough how little tea is spilled. By all means, ABC, waste my time. You know how that thrills me. I’ll spare you the monotonous details and give you the highlights:

Jacob: Jacob was the guy this season who looked like he would have banged your mom the summer he lifeguarded at your neighborhood pool. He also told Gabby (to her face!) that she is the last woman on earth he would date. Him! A man whose entire sexual appeal is affixed to the tiny bun he wears on his head! Because of his faux pas, he spends the Tell All doing major image rehab. He seems sincere enough. I mean, it’s not often that you witness a man say “I was wrong” without immediately adding the caveat of “BUT” to his statement. He says that he shouldn’t have disregarded Gabby’s feelings. He also says that he’s trying to change. His black silk shirt says otherwise, but I suppose only time (and a free Mexican vacation) will tell if the change holds.

Roby: Roby came to the Tell All dressed in full Draco Malfoy cosplay. Roby, you’ll recall, was the magician Gabby and Rachel eliminated on night one because, well, come on. If they wanted to introduce their parents to an adult magician, they would have continued to online date. He does have one great line from the Tell All. After giving us his opinion on the romantic flip-floppers of this season, he dramatically screams “You need to grow some balls, Meatball!” How long do we think he was workshopping that?

Hayden: Hayden, a man who used the story of his dying dog as an excuse for calling the Bachelorettes “bitches”, refused to come to The Men Tell All. Imagine that. He preferred not to be burned at the stake by a crowd full of women drunk off complimentary champagne. Honestly, the odds weren’t in his favor. We’ll always have my fantasy!

Logan: If we can’t tar and feather Hayden, Jesse Palmer will just have to move on to his next human sacrifice: Logan. But even that public roasting lacks drama. Logan basically denies any wrongdoing and after two minutes of benign push-back, he ends his time in the hot seat by announcing his spot on Paradise. So, let me get this straight. The man plays with the emotions of a hot nurse and a hot pilot like the Bachelor mansion is his own goddamn Chuck E. Cheese, and he gets rewarded with a free trip to Mexico? This is what you’re telling me??


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Nate: If anything, Nate spends the most time in the hot seat. Jesse holds his feet over the fire for a whole five minutes while he grills him on social media rumors. Allegedly, prior to coming on the show, Nate had dated two girls at the same time, one of whom he dated for a year and a half and never even told he had a daughter. Just when I was starting to think men should be allowed to breathe the same air as me, they go and prove me wrong again. Smdh. To his credit, he does come clean about the rumors. He says it was all true, but he was a different man then. He didn’t even have an Instagram sponsorship yet! Oh, Nate. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!

Meatball: If you thought the episode wouldn’t end with Meatball rolling his body through a Slip ‘N Slide of marinara sauce, well, think again. I’ve seen a lot of shit during these Tell Alls, but the sight of Chef Boyardee rolling down Meatball’s newly-waxed chest is a thing that will haunt my nightmares indefinitely. *shudders*

And that’s all she wrote, kids! Seriously, there is nothing else to write. Feel grateful that you were not contractually obligated to sit through two hours of trailers and commercials for the sake of “content.” Until next week!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: By All Means, Waste My Time

This week, I’m taking a break from writing your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap in favor of providing you with a rare glimpse into my ABC burn book. That’s right, ABC, welcome to your tape. Now, you might be thinking to yourself: “but Ryanne, aren’t all your recaps just entries from a burn book?” Lol, you’re cute. Usually (for legal purposes) I try to contain my wrath as (legally) it’s a personal growth goal of mine to be less of a garbage monster and more of an emotionally functioning human being. But ABC, you have BURNED ME FOR THE LAST TIME. All bets are off now!

Here I was thinking this week we’d get to see a Hometown date Katie test out her dick jokes on unsuspecting family members in the Hyatt’s best conference room. BUT NO. Instead, we are gifted with about 25 minutes of usable, interesting footage and the rest of the time we’re forced to endure The Men Tell All. Here’s the thing about these “tell alls”: they tell nothing. It’s not like I was expecting Tayshia and Kaitlyn to spill state secrets or anything, but MY GOD the most interesting thing to happen this evening involved an audience member going rogue. Where was the drama? The intrigue? The big reveals? If I wanted to watch a bunch of straight dudes compliment each other, I’d go hang out around a beer pong table at a frat party. But I digress. Let’s dive into it.

ABC Goes In For The Kill Shot

Before we jump into the Men Tell All, ABC gives us one final twist in the Hometowns line-up. For weeks now, Michael A. has been winning over Katie—and casually all of America—with his blushing, sad dad act. Even if he didn’t have the background story of a Nicholas Sparks character, there’s just something about his affable personality that feels genuine in ways we definitely don’t often see on this show. Naturally, ABC’s first instinct is to obliterate that goodness. 

The episode opens with a conflicted Michael. He tells us that being so far away from his son has really been weighing on him emotionally. The producers, like the dementors they truly are, arrange for Michael to FaceTime his kid. Don’t be fooled for one second into thinking they did this out of the goodness of their hearts. No, this FaceTime was a strategic maneuver designed to inflict maximum pain. 

Case in point: Michael tells his son that he loves him and misses him and the kid shrieks “daddy left because he doesn’t want to see me” and then rushes off camera. DADDY LEFT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE ME. Are you kidding me with this, ABC?! While you’re at it, why don’t you take him out back and shoot him? It would finish the job and be kinder than putting him through this!

MICHAEL: *wavers emotionally*

Michael ends up self-eliminating almost immediately after that call. He tells Katie that he can’t focus on Hometowns and their relationship when he’s this worried about his son. Look, guys, I love Michael. I do. He’s a scruffy angel without wings. But he’s acting like his leaving The Bachelorette early is on par with the sacrifice Harry Potter’s parents made to shield him from Lord Voldemort. Honestly,  I just feel like he’s already done the damage to his child’s psyche. What’s the harm in staying a little longer? At least he’ll have a fun story for his future therapist!

Katie takes the news HARD. Her reaction feels a little over dramatic for someone she was probably going to dump later that day anyway. Be honest, Katie, are you really that upset over Michael leaving? I mean, yes he’s cute and sweet and has the soul of a Christmas elf but were you actually attracted to this guy? He’s just so… soft. He looks like the kind of guy whose idea of foreplay involves softly crying to Hallmark movies. 

Also, if they really wanted to, they could have worked this out. If she actually saw herself ending up with Michael, as she so tearfully proclaimed to him, then her reaction wouldn’t be “I need to let you go” it would be “that’s fine, go home and I’ll dump everyone else and meet up with you.” If there’s anything I’ve learned living in this post-Claire Bachelorette universe, it’s that there’s no rules on this franchise.  

Later, during the Tell All, we get to catch up with Michael and Katie. They both seem at peace with their decisions and Katie even says she has “no regrets” about her journey. If I were her, I’d be a little regretful. Especially when Michael walked out on that stage and his stylist had taken him from daddy to zaddyyyy. Damn, he looked good. I always thought he had the sex appeal of fuzzy socks, but that grown-in beard is making me rethink my entire worldview.

In fact, I’m just gonna leave this here:


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Cat People, Am I Right?

Perhaps Michael had to sacrifice himself so that out of his ashes a phoenix could rise. And by “phoenix” I mean a grown man with a fondness for kitten costumes. As is typical for the Tell All specials, the host picks various men from the season to humiliate just a little bit extra. Their sacrificial lamb this evening? Connor. Seems like low hanging fruit to me, but by all means, carry on with your carnage, ABC.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn ask Connor to join them in the hot seat, and they proceed to replay his trauma from the season like it’s a submission from America’s Funniest Home Videos. Was it really necessary that they re-air that footage of Katie calling him a shitty kisser? Kaitlyn’s like “is that the usual feedback you get from women after being intimate with them?” Kaitlyn!! Jesus Christ. I didn’t know that in addition to drinking wine and podcasting, your hobbies also include emotionally castrating men for the fun of it! Noted. 

Connor tells us that after filming ended, he reached out to a few of his exes to ask if he was a truly “trash kisser.” A TRASH KISSER. ABC, you are going to hell for this. 

Connor must look so pathetic that it upends the natural order of the universe, because all of a sudden, something happens the likes of which I have never seen on this franchise: a balcony monster gets her moment in the sun. First of all, I wasn’t aware that audience members were allowed to do anything other than laugh, cry, or cringe dramatically. In fact, I’m pretty sure ABC places some sort of witch’s curse upon them that binds them to those automatic settings, lest they act on their own free will and go off script. And yet, somehow, a random audience hoe has managed to break free from the mystical energy constraining her to her seat. Not only does she have the audacity to interrupt Connor’s interview, but then she demands a kiss from. AND HE ACTUALLY DOES IT!! 

And it doesn’t stop at one kiss! They’re going to town on each other while the rest of the men openly gawk at them from behind. What am I watching here? This isn’t a foam party in Miami! This is a Tell All, goddamn it. Have some respect! 

I’ll tell you one thing, this would not have happened on Chris Harrison’s watch. When he was running the show, he barely acknowledged the feral crowd that made up the live audience at these things. Meanwhile, Tayshia and Kaitlyn are all but handing out condoms on stage. Ladies! Save that for the commercial breaks!

Less Romance More Bromance

The majority of The Men Tell All focused on the men who were “here for the wrong reasons,” but even that half-hearted attempt at manifesting hostile energy didn’t take. Despite ABC’s best intentions, these guys seem to genuinely care for one another. Yes, there were the Aarons and the Tres and the Karls of the group, the guys who spent the majority of this season acting out a Scooby-Doo plot line instead of focusing on building relationships. But there were also guys like Greg, who would openly weep when Michael talked about his dead wife, and guys like Andrew who ignored the drama entirely and focused on Katie. 

That bromance energy carried on into the Tell All special. There were minimal squabbles, and Thomas, the main source of their anger, didn’t even show up until the last ten minutes of the special, when he literally phoned it in via Zoom. Later, when Aaron and Tre started ripping into Hunter, Connor—Connor!!—stood up for him. I guess that little kitty grew some claws after all. Meow. 

Look, was this an absolute waste of 120 minutes of my life? You bet. But I will begrudgingly admit that this is actually a good group of guys who deserve nice things. *waits to be struck by lightning* I can’t wait to see how ABC decimates those tenuous relationships in Paradise!

And that’s a wrap for this episode! Seriously. That’s it. Until next week!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (1); @bitchelorette_ / Instagram (1); ABC (1)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: It’s A Bloodbath

Welcome back to another riveting night of The Bachelorette! Obviously, I’m using the term “riveting” loosely here, as the only riveting things I’ve seen this season are the hoops ABC has made Chris Harrison jump through to secure his holiday bonus. Speaking of which, after two very lackluster episodes with JoJo playing host where she was the epitome of “sit here and look pretty” (come on, we all know it’s true!), Chris Harrison is back on set. He’s looking remarkably fresh-faced for a man who spent three days making trips back and forth to Target for random dorm things his son didn’t think he would need in college, like more than a single towel or one of those space-saving bins that rolls under your bed, and then another 14 days in ABC’s basement bunker as a “quarantine precaution.” Chris, you’re really doing amazing, sweetie!

This week is a big one for Tayshia because she’s somehow got to narrow down her crop of men from a number the CDC feels very uncomfortable about hanging out together indoors to four for Hometowns. And by “Hometowns”, I mean the clip art collage of popular things in said hometown that will make up the background of the patchy Zoom call with these dudes’ parents. 

CHRIS HARRISON TALKING ABOUT HUMAN MEN ON THIS SHOW: Wow, Tayshia, you’ve really cleaned house.

Seriously, I’ve seen less men at a 2019 Houston Hall happy hour. This is about to be a bloodbath. *turns up the volume on the carnage*

Before I jump into the rest of this recap I wanted to give a bit of a disclaimer: hold onto your hats boys and girls, because I’m shaking things up. Normally, I like to keep a meticulous record of each episode and transcribe every minute detail for your personal enjoyment (and so that my therapist can have a better understanding of where my trust issues lie). This week I’m not going to do that. Last night’s episode felt super weird and rushed through, so I’m going to give you a highlights reel. I figure if ABC has the audacity to air this season through the entire fall/winter holiday season, thereby forcing me to humiliate myself in front of my immediate family as I quietly make my case for why I should have ownership of the remote and try to convince my mother that The Bachelorette is somehow better TV than rerun episodes of Jeopardy, then I’m allowed a little leeway with the format of my recaps. Onward!

Things I Wish I Could Unsee: Blake’s Boner Date

Blake’s date is perhaps the most shocking of the season because they are allowed to somehow leave the hotel’s premise for a date that is straight out of one of Spencer Pratt’s wet dreams. For this date, Tayshia and Blake are sent to the desert where a spiritual guide, who was most definitely not an actress, and super definitely not the actress who played the ghost in the haunted house episode, waved some crystals at them in an attempt to open their chakras. 

Clearly this date was ABC giving Tayshia an easy out to dump Blake. Let’s be real: Blake has big group date energy but he was never going to make it to the end of the show, when the settings get more serious and intimate. Case in point: he gets a massive boner when an elderly lady tells him to concentrate on her crystal. 

I think Tayshia was open to seeing if there was anything more to her connection with Blake, as she did come dressed for this date wearing approximately seven crystal rings on her fingers, one for every chakra. Alas, she looked deeply into his eyes and realized that he’s the kind of guy who is going to draw little cartoon dicks on every receipt, napkin, and loose piece of trash he can find. Look on the bright side, Tayshia! At least you know about his phallic obsession now before his mom let you peruse his middle school notebooks and you realized you were dating the self-proclaimed Picasso of dicks.


Tayshia Is The New Human Fountain Formerly Known As Ashley I.

Going into this episode, I was pumped to see Tayshia slash and burn through her remaining men. The Romans had their gladiatorial games, I have my Bachelorette rose ceremonies. We all get our kicks somewhere. So, you can imagine my disappointment when instead I was treated to two hours of watching Tayshia’s emotional breakdowns, the likes of which have not been seen since Ashley I. cried over the Arby’s Manager she now calls her husband. 

After sending Blake home, Tayshia realizes that she also needs to send Riley home. She does the compliment sandwich thing that I do when I’m trying to tell the 21-year-old intern that, while she did massively f*ck up the client’s copy, she also looks super cute today, girl! This goes over with Riley about how you’d expect. He seems upset and disappointed and honestly so am I. It seems like he should have gone further.

After sending him home, Tayshia wails “I’m sorry!!” at the fading headlights of the cab. It’s just melodramatic enough that I know she’ll be using this clip to show her “range” to future brands she wants to work with on IG.  I mean, it’s unclear what she’s sorry for exactly: wasting Riley’s time or forcing him out of the house in his slippers and jammies. I guess ABC will be FedExing him his luggage??


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Tayshia’s reign of terror doesn’t end there. At the next rose ceremony she sends home both Bennett and Noah. This means Zac, Ben, Brendan, and Ivan will all be sharing their Hometowns with Tayshia via a Google Earth search. 

The Men Tell Nothing And Yosef Is Still A Jerk

It’s interesting watching Chris Harrison host the Men Tell All in an empty hotel lobby. Half of what makes the Men Tell All so compelling is watching the men be skewered on stage by the withering stares of a studio audience full of wronged women. I suppose we’ll just have to hope the guys can feel our derisive stares through the television screen. Carry on.

The best one-liner of the evening comes from Noah, who screams at Kenny for apparently no reason at all: YOU ARE A ONE DIRECTION PARTY BOY MANAGER WEARING CAMO. Full disclosure: when he said that I screamed and threw my panties at the screen. Well, at least metaphorically. That’s the stuff that legends are made of. 


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Nothing else really happens during the Tell All—even the bloopers are boring as hell! The producers must have foreseen how much of a snooze fest this after show would be without a crowd full of bloodthirsty women hyped up on house chardonnay and the prospect of booing a room full of fancily dressed men. It’s the only reason for why they’d bring Yosef out when they’ve been trying so desperately to brush Clare’s season under the rug. 

Chris offers Yosef a chance to apologize for his behavior and he takes the rope ABC lends him to metaphorically hang himself. He wants us all to know that he’s not sorry for his actions, he’s just trying to set an example for his daughter. How else is she ever going to know how sh*tty men are if she doesn’t watch her daddy verbally abuse a woman on national television?? He said what he said, okay!! Meanwhile, the other men double down on their stance that they were willing to humiliate themselves on national television for love. In fact, that was a part of the contract they all signed. Yosef, what did you sign exactly? Honestly, the real winner of this fight was Riley and his eye rolls. 

And that’s all she wrote! Let’s hope Hometowns are more entertaining than whatever the hell I just watched on my television screen. Until then!

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); @thebetchelor, @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (2); Giphy (2)

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Men Tell All

This week on The Bachelorette, ABC is gifting us with a giant waste of our time The Men Tell All, and I for one cannot wait to watch Jason and Colton try and out-cry each other for the next two hours of my life. Kidding! I think I’d rather bathe in bleach. But, alas, we can’t all get what we want in this life. That said, you betches are in for a real treat because this week I’m watching The Bachelorette with fan faves Jordan Kimball and John Graham from Becca’s season AND Derek Peth. And don’t you worry—just because they’re sitting in the same room as me does not mean I’m not going to quietly rip them to shreds for the next 120 minutes. So, shall we get started?

Chris Harrison starts off the night by asking the hard questions: Will Becca find love?  If by “love” he means a man whose mother still rocks him to sleep at night or a homophobic racist, then, yes, I’m sure she will find love. Mazel tov!

Chris starts bringing out the men from Becca’s season, and it’s like going through my texts after a v aggressive happy hour—I literally have no idea what’s happening on my screen. I can’t wait for Chris Harrison to try and spin drama out of these nothing burger humans.

Oh STFU Jason. He’s like “it’s so stressful being here you just black out sometimes.” I mean, is this something I tell my boss when she confronts me about acting too “inappropriate” at our company happy hour? Yes. But that’s neither here nor there.

This is rich. Connor asks Chris how he can just “lose his mind” on the show as he wears a paisley blazer and beige slip ons and thinks nothing of it. K. We all know those glasses aren’t prescription either, Connor! (Also he literally got mad over a picture and threw it into a pool, lest we forget.)

They’re all ganging up on Jean-Blanc and I genuinely forgot that he was even on this show. Remember when he was the worst guy there because he was creepy and always trying to pimp out his cologne on Becca? Even though there was a literal sex offender who stayed several episodes longer? *sighs* Simpler times.

WHY DO THESE MEN KEEP USING THE WORD DISINGENUOUS? Like, they must have said it 10 times at this point. They keep using this word and I do not think it means what they think it means…

Interesting. I didn’t think Colton and Jordan would get into it tonight, but then again, one of them is willing to sell his virginity to ABC’s highest bidder and the other is Jordan. So, it makes sense.

COLTON: I’m not saying you weren’t a sweetheart, I’m just saying you’re not gonna get married in golden underwear.

First of all, Colton, those are fighting words. Second of all, they were all just in Vegas! You KNOW people get married in golden underwear there, like, all the time. 

Ah, yes. The Chicken chimes in. I was waiting for him to grasp for those three more seconds of fame. Jordan is like, “the worst thing you can ever say about a woman is that you’re settling, so I never said that. I just heavily implied that boys with asses like mine do not talk to girls with faces like hers.”

Sidenote: is anyone else noticing Wills’ provocative footwear rn? I feel like he got those booties from the Nordstrom anniversary sale and I’ve never loved him more. YOU DO YOU, BOO BOO.  

Wait, who is this guy wearing leggings from the Macy’s junior section trying to attack Jordan rn?

ME: Jordan, have you ever been in a fight in your entire life though?
JORDAN: Yes, I have. Once. When I was 12 years old.

Sure, Jan.

Chris Harrison calls Jordan to the hot seat and we get to see a look back at all the memes he inspired his best moments. Honestly, thank god he made it as far as he did because otherwise I would have set fire to ABC studios long ago.

Lololol Jordan just gave the Gretchen Weiners of all apologies to the people who didn’t like him on the show

JORDAN:  I’m sorry you didn’t like me but I won’t apologize for being confident and my wholly authentic self.

Tbh it’s one of the best motivational speeches I’ve heard in a while.

Chris Harrison asks the men why they think Jordan is so annoying and David, the man who lists “chicken” in his career bio, is like “well he wasn’t very serious about the whole process.” K.


CHRIS HARRISON: How was all 5 minutes of your time on The Bachelorette?
JOE: Pretty bad.
ME: You’re too pure for this earth.

JOE: *breathes*
ALL OF BACHELOR NATION: I would die for you.

Okay, what are these tweets Chris is pulling up about Grocery Joe? They each have, like, two likes. Are you really telling me that this is the best that underpaid ABC intern could do?

DEREK: *looks at Joe* He’s so cute, like a baby bird. I want to feed him with a dropper.

Truer words, Derek. Truer words.

LOL. I love that Chris Harrison can’t get any personal details out of Joe. It makes me like him so much more. He’s like “Idk what to say, there’s cameras around and I don’t even know you.”


Okay, Joe, you went all the way to Paradise and all you can tell us is “it’s complicated” with your relationship status? Are you kidding me ? I need to know if it’s chill to slide into his DMs he finds love in Paradise or not!

They call Wills into the hot seat, and I don’t know if I can watch his montage without going into a blind rage at Becca breaking down. It’s like I’m he’s getting dumped all over again. Oh my god he’s crying!!!

Chris is like “I feel like you connected on a different level with Becca than she did with the rest of the men.” Interesting choice of words, Chris. If by “different” he means on a level deeper than “hot and contractually obligated to show me affection for 6 weeks” then, yes, I suppose their relationship was a bit different.

God, Wills is such a goddamn gentleman. Even the way he’s talking about Becca rn post-breakup is sooo stand-up.

WILLS: *mumbles*

Colton’s next to sit in the hot seat, and I’m not sure I can sit through another tearful admission about his virginity. Also, WHAT is that bedazzled blazer he’s wearing rn? It’s heinous. Like, is Cary Fetman styling him too??

HAHA Chris keeps asking what his relationship with Tia was and he’s like “well I wouldn’t call it a ‘relationship.’’ What would you call it, Colton? Just the tip? And they say chivalry is dead, ladies!

Okay, I can’t with Colton right now and all his fake tears. He just  admitted on national television that he’s never seen a woman’s vagina and I’m not buying it for one effing second. You were a PRO FOOTBALL PLAYER and not one girl sent you a nude DM? Please. He’s trying sooo hard to recreate the Sean Lowe Bachelor magic and it’s painful to watch.

Last but not least, Jason takes the hot seat. Why do I have a feeling this is going to be less about him and Becca and more about him using this 10-15 minute window to campaign to be the next Bachelor?

JASON: You guys are so sweet—it’s been a wild ride!

Chris is like “what is it about what you just saw on this screen that brought you to tears more than when Becca actually dumped you?” Well, I’m pretty sure that’s from the onions production were furiously cutting in front of his face backstage prior to this taping, but you tell your truth, J!

They bring Becca out and she is doing an incredibly good job of reminding every single one of these men why they’re better off. Becca, you’re supposed to show up to this public roasting of all 30 of your exes looking so good that they wish they were dead!

I mean, what are those bedazzled half hoops she’s wearing? They say the bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe, but those hoops are saying she might let you get to second base but only with the lights turned off.

Omg WHY is Jason talking to Becca like he’s going through an employee review?

JASON: Moving forward, what can I do to improve so that I can become the next Bachelor better myself for my next relationship?

I see right f*cking through you, Jason.

Jason is using “moreover” in a sentence, he’s quoting Oprah, dude is campaigning HARD for Bachelor. #MenTellAll

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 31, 2018

Chris asks Becca about the Tia situation and she’s like, “you know I’m still friends with her because I’m contractually obligated to be.” Ah, the true bonds of friendship. I bet she wants Tia to find love about as much as I want my ex to not die in a fiery car crash, but okay.

How many times are Chris Harrison and Becca going to say “this group of guys was so great” and then pointedly not discuss Lincoln?

Chris Harrison asks the men if they have any last words feel personally victimized by Becca AND JEAN-BLANC FUCKING RAISES HIS HAND. Stop. This is so uncomfortable. I’m dying.

^^an actual reenactment of what just happened on my screen

Oh of COURSE he’s using this five extra seconds of screen time to pimp out another cologne. Take your cologne and your broken dreams elsewhere, Jean!

Wait what is this apology? Chris doesn’t speak the entire  episode and then comes out at the end with an elaborate apology sung by a church choir? But why?

Well that wraps up another thrilling episode from this season! So in the end, the men did not tell all. They told almost nothing, and pretended like they were going to fight each other, as if we believed a man in suit capris would ever punch a man with perfectly coiffed hair. And the countdown to the finale begins!

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (6); ABC (3)

How To Deal With A Horrible Boss Without Nuking Your Career

The Betches discuss the Men Tell All on The Bachelorette and the Anthony Scaramucci situation. Dear Betches include having an emotionally abusive boss and whether you should tell your friend if her husband is cheating on her. We also played games, fucking duh.

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Men Tell All & Thank God There’s Alcohol

This week on The Bachelorette, instead of finishing up with the fantasy suites or really giving us any sort of resolution from last week’s boring AF meet the parents episode, ABC chose to waste two hours of my life with the Men Tell All. Because we don’t get enough mansplaining in our everyday lives. Luckily for them, I can’t resist watching a group of grown-ass men wearing pastel pocket squares act like 14-year-old girls fighting over a lunch table.

The first 10 minutes consists of Chris Harrison revisiting his glory days the best Bachelor/Bachelorette moments from the Men Tell All episodes. Like, no need to try and convince me to watch this garbage. I’m already here. The alcohol has been bought.

We end this sad walk down memory lane with an ultrasound of JP and Ashley’s publicity stunt to stay relevant baby. I guess ABC thought it wasn’t enough that 60 percent of my Facebook newsfeed is selfies of my friends and every drunk girl I’ve ever befriended in the bathroom’s uteruses (your fetus looks like an alien btw), but now they must punish me further by watching Bachelor spawn float around in amniotic fluids? *pours drink*

Chris Harrison: Most seasons the mansion turns into one giant frat house, but this season we had to get production in there to fuck shit up was different.


Eye Roll

They’re introducing the men and I’m realizing that the Blue Moon I’m aggressively chugging has more testosterone in it than Rachel’s entire cast of suitors. If I see one more matching pocket square I will lose my goddamn mind. Also, I have never seen half of these people before in my damn life. I would bet my roommate’s the six pack sitting in my fridge rn that half these dudes are just random Instagram trash they found on the streets of LA. You’re not fooling anyone, ABC.

Lol I totally forgot about this completely scripted fight between Waboom and Blake. And then someone who made it to the final 5 opens his mouth to defend Blake. Who are you again?

Oh good, DeMario’s back. ABC must know I can’t sleep soundly until a fuckboy has whispered lies to me.

The entire cast jumps down DeMario’s throat over this whole Lexi thing, and yet, no one says shit about the whole Paradise scandal. I smell a cover-up.

Chris Harrison: Were you dating Lexi?

DeMario: Do you know the definition of “Side Chick”?

Chris Harrison: ….

DeMario: I didn’t even take a picture with her! Is there any actual “proof” that we dated??

Me: *tries to set DeMario on fire with eyes* *goes back to aggressively drinking alcohol*

Lol love that DaMario just compared himself and Lexi to a President of the United States and his mistress. Such a classic fuckboy move to defend your shady behavior by comparing yourself to other, more famous fuckboys.

DeMario: The way I see it, I’m like Bill Clinton



And now that we’ve sufficiently turned an entire studio audience and half of America against DeMario, let’s move on to the racist. Chris Harrison is so good at moving the conversation forward.

Dean trying to call Lee racist without using the R word or acknowledging that he low-key endorsed a racist comment on Instagram yesterday. At least you’re pretty.

Watching Kenny’s montage and all I can think is, seriously how fucking old is your child? Like, she’s so cute but old enough to rent a car. Forget this Kenny/Lee drama, Chris Harrison, I’d like to see this birth certificate!

Chris: What did you think about your dad going on the show?

McKenzie: Idk I’m just trying to get a car for my birthday.

Lol McKenzie shading Kenny for getting 10th in the competition is me as a child.

Now, that the 25-year-old paid actress Kenny’s kid has exited the stage I guess it’s time to bring out our president a racist asshole who cannot control himself on Twitter.

Lee Men Tell All

Lee: I just make jokes when I’m uncomfortable and at the wrong times.

Me & the viewers back home:

Are You Kidding Me

And OH SHIT. Chris Harrison brings out every racist, homophobic, anti-feminist tweet Lee has ever tweeted in his life. You have no chill, Chris. NO chill.

Lee looks terrified, like the audience and half the cast might shank him at any moment. I’m giddy from the drama.

Chris Harrison: *points to damning tweets*

Lee: I notice there’s some things that I need to work on… like my racism

DeMario is losing his shit over these tweets, meanwhile Will is looking at Lee like a disappointed dad. 

Disappointed Dad

^^Will watching Lee lose his damn mind on Twitter

THANK GOD, it’s Dean’s turn. I love when I get to spend quality time with my boyfriend a reality TV star I’ve never met before. The camera focuses on Dean and he talks about how he was dumped on national television after ABC used him for his family drama hometowns and then pans to a 14-year-old girl sobbing because they want you to remember that Dean is only 25. Subtle, ABC.

Watching Dean’s montage and all I can think is get you a man who will wear a camo blazer to a nationally televised event.

Dean Men Tell All

They bring Rachel out and once again my eyes are assaulted by her outfit choices. Rachel, WHY do you test me like this? I’ve already sat through 90 minutes of Waboom trying to stay relevant and the professional tickler sitting on a hand-shaped chair. Don’t do this to me.

It looks like that dress was part of someone’s Project Runway audition collection. But, like, the one Heidi and Nina talked shit about off-screen. At least her hair is on point though. Small victories.

Rachel Lindsay Men Tell All

Seriously, if anyone knows the name of her stylist please leave their name, number, and ALL of their social media handles in the comments section so I can properly reach out and have a conversation with them drag them on social media for what they’ve done to her.

The men are allowed to have one final conversation with Rachel before she is not contractually obligated to deal with their shit anymore. Fred cries. Kenny hits on her. Alex says nothing but his blazer says everything. Things like, you idiot, you never should have picked me to be second in your bracket.

Alex Bachelorette

^^Alex last night looking like he’ll steal your girl Bachelorette bracket victory

And that’s it for this episode! Thank god I spent two hours of my life watching Iggy try and interject into everyone’s drama every fucking second he could for more screen time. At least there was alcohol. I can’t wait to see next week’s shit show episode!