Welcome back, people, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! No, it’s not Monday. No, you’re not just drunk. I know, it’s upsetting to me as well. Apparently the Powers That Be at ABC decided that the NBA finals (who???) took precedence over Alabama Hannah’s search for love, and at the very last minute, they decided to push this week’s episode to Tuesday. Never mind that ABC has never once given their audience a reprieve from the grueling Bachelor/ette schedule or taken into consideration that they might have busy lives or other interests. Not last season when they decided to air a three-hour season finale on Monday followed by a two-hour “After The Final Rose” on Tuesday. Not last 4th of July when I had to stream an episode from my cell phone during my family’s vacation at the lake, whilst standing at the end of the driveway next to the trashcans and battling various wildlife for that premium positioning because it was the only place I could get a single goddamn bar of service. And certainly not when they held us hostage on NEW YEAR’S F*CKING DAY to watch Arie’s season premiere. But it’s fine. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.
Moving on. When last we left off, Hannah had just sat Luke P. and Luke S. down to talk out their issues with one another as if they both aren’t emotionally stunted circus animals posing as human men and can actually articulate their feelings. Good luck with that, Hans!
The Rose Ceremony
Things are not going well for Luke S. at the moment, and I’m not just saying that because his suit is heinous. Though that certainly isn’t helping his case. I think he wants to come off as the genuine one here, but the sheer amount of times he’s said the words “my tequila business” in the span of this 10 minute argument is making him seem self-serving and disingenuous. So, I’m sure his Instagram following will love it.
Midway through Luke P. apologizing for calling Luke S. a gap-toothed bitch (I paraphrase), Hannah just up and abandons the conversation. I’m surprised it’s taken her this long. Honestly, if I were Hannah, I would have just shot them both by now. You’re an absolute SAINT, sweetie!
Chris Harrison tells the men that the cocktail party is now over because Hannah has had it with all their bullsh*t. I mean, those are my words, not his because Chris Harrison has yet to do anything other than the bare f*cking minimum all season and has not uttered one single word more than he’s contractually obligated to give. He’s a petty bitch and I love it.
WHAT. Seconds before Hannah is about to give out the first rose Luke S. asks if he can grab her for a second. Can he just do that?? That doesn’t feel like it should be allowed…
GUYS AT THE ROSE CEREMONY: What do we think Luke S. is saying to her??
MIKE: He’s trying to save his manhood.
Lol. If by “manhood” you mean his sh*tty tequila lifestyle brand by trying to get the upper hand one last time before he’s booted from the show, then yes, possibly.
And what do you know, Luke S. is sending himself home! Color me SHOCKED. It’s almost as if he decided he was on the show long enough to secure himself a spot on Bachelor in Paradise and so he decided to peace out before Luke P. could actually injure him. Crazy.
Back at the rose ceremony, Hannah starts calling out men’s names and I’m weirdly anxious considering I can pretty much guess who’s going home at this point. I think it’s because I’m secretly very into Grant, who has gotten almost zero screen time all season so I feel as if his days are numbered. (And if you’re wondering who Grant is, he’s the one who looks a little like an alcoholic Bill Pullman, but it WORKS for me.)
It just works!
Final Rose Cut: JPJ and Matteo also get booted this week. They’ll join Luke S. as they head back to the Bumble DMs they crawled out of. Until Paradise, guys!
Mike’s One-On-One Date
This week, Hannah and the men are off to Scotland. Considering how spectacularly Hannah was able to butcher the history of her own goddamn country, I can’t wait to see how she’ll embarrass us overseas. Though I would be willing to bet my brunch reservations that Outlander is Hannah’s favorite show and that’s where she will be referencing any and all of her historical facts throughout the episode. *turns up volume*
She’s like, “there’s so much culture here and also Mary Queen of Scots was bitchin’” and then immediately looks to the camera for confirmation that she memorized their pre-written statement correctly. You were certainly close, girlfriend!
Hannah chooses Mike for the first one-on-one date in the same way that I chose to have Quiznos for lunch today: it was just there and in my immediate line of sight. Seriously, could she BE anymore half-hearted about this date?
I love how Hannah is like, “okay guys fresh start! no more drama!” and the second she walks out the door, it’s like a Real Housewives reunion.
For their date Mike and Hannah don’t do anything special, they just explore Scotland. And by “explore” I mean drink their weight in scotch and then drunk-eat haggis. Is it just me or do Hannah’s dates tend to turn into things that I just do between the hours of 11pm and 2am?
Hannah tells Mike that she’s done a lot of soul searching in the three weeks since she’s been named the Bachelorette. She’s like, “I realized I’ve just been going from man to man and not taking time for myself which is why I’m on a show dating 20 men at once.” Yes, that sounds like real growth to me!
MIKE: I’m just so nervous because it’s been half a decade since I’ve been in love.
Soooo five years then? I’m sorry, but 2015 was not that long ago, buddy. And also, what’s your point? It’s been five years since I’ve been on a single date that didn’t ended in “what’s your Snapchat handle?” or “should we just split this bill then?” WE ALL HAVE OUR CROSSES TO BEAR.
The Group Date
Moving on to the group date this week. The men are in high spirits because Luke P. and his steroid habit won’t be there to sabotage their chances at impressing Hannah. Now if they can’t get her attention, they’ll just have to blame their own mediocrity. This should be good.
Hannah challenges the men to a date involving feats of strength and other typical highland game activities. They all fail miserably. Hannah’s like “I’m most concerned with their sh*tty ax-throwing aim” but I feel most concerned that apparently none of them chose to wear underwear on this date??
Lmao. Dylan lets out a scandalized scream at the sight of one of some other guy’s nut sack. He’s like “I just saw your balls, Connor!!” Never mind that there’s a family of five sitting front and center to this sh*t show. There’s always therapy for little Johnny, I guess.
Okay, why can’t any of these men throw an axe? Almost 90% of them look like they still own, and frequently wear, a rush T-shirt, and yet, they’re acting as if they’ve never played a game in which you need to throw something long-distance at a target. I guess it looks a little different when there aren’t solo cups and kegs of PBR involved, amiright boys?
Jed wins the competition but, like, how tho? Tyler was the only one to hit the target and looked like a goddamn snack while doing it. All I saw Jed do was play a game of slap and tickle with Hannah on the muddy ground and that makes him a winner?? Am I taking crazy pills?!
Hannah seems equally surprised that Jed won, but that could just be because, in addition to being crowned the winner of the Highland Games, he also now co-owns a square foot of Scottish land with her. Congratulations, Hannah! You’re now a land owner with a virtual stranger. Your parents must be so proud.
OMG. HANNAH. She tries straddling Jed and it goes horribly with that mermaid tail she’s trying to pass off as a cocktail dress. It’s the absolute last dress she should be wearing for all this dry humping, but fine. I’m actually feeling more uncomfortable watching this makeout scene than poor Kevin who looks like he just walked in on his parents f*cking and didn’t immediately leave the room. Aw, buddy. It’ll be okay!
Okay, Hannah is HORNY this episode. Peter The Pilot is trying to dry hump her to completion on that pool table, then she’s got Tyler pinned to the bed five minutes later.
Something tells me that after watching this back home, her MeeMaw’s prayer circle is about to hold extra sessions this week.
Luke’s One-On-One Date
Lol, Hannah’s date card for Luke is legit a threat. Luke is smiling and smirking about it, but I think someone just got a note like this on the episode of Criminal Minds I just watched.
Yikes, this date is so painful to watch. It’s like when they aren’t trying to swallow each other’s faces whole, they have literally nothing to say to each other. Wild.
Hannah jumps right in with the hard questions and starts grilling him about his Regina George status in the house and why he can’t make nice with literally anyone.
HANNAH: Can you explain why I see one side of you but the men see something else?
LUKE P.:
Did Luke really just say he’s beloved everywhere he goes? That is seriously something a sociopath would say. Or me, a bottle of pinot deep, explaining why I’m still single to my grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.
Hannah keeps asking Luke to explain his toxic behavior in the house, but in a way that is confusing for even me to comprehend. I think I understand what she’s trying to say: that she feels drawn to him, but then he opens his mouth and speaks like he’s reading a Hallmark movie script, and she’s immediately disgusted by him, but the way she’s saying all of that is v v confusing.
HANNAH: Please explain your toxic behavior.
LUKE:….
HANNAH: Did you hear me? I said DO YOU PREFER SPAGHETTI OR MACARONI AND CHEESE??
The blank stares Luke is giving her right now are absolutely priceless. Tbh, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was revealed at the end of this season that Luke is actually a robot built in a secret lab deep in the bowels of ABC studios, trained only to spit out platitudes and drink protein shakes. He just looks so confused when Hannah asks him to do anything else. Case in point:
HANNAH: I just want you to be a real human being and share your feelings with me.
LUKE P.:
Christ. You can practically see his circuits frying. Hannah, I beg of you, please send this guy back to the CrossFit basement he crawled out of. PLEASE.
And on that note, it looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Hannah actually sends Luke P. packing. Until then!
Images: Giphy (3); @grant_eckel06 /Instagram (1); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I think I speak for all of us when I say that last week’s episode was absolutely wild—and I’m not even talking about Cam’s sob story! First, Hannah tried to win the men over by putting a group of them, whose compassion for the female anatomy probably goes about as far as saying “that sucks” when an ex-girlfriend complained about her cramps, through simulated labor and titty twistershungover sick. Iconic. Finally, in a move that shocked absolutely no one, Hannah sent Cam packing at the rose ceremony. Apparently she didn’t love his retelling of Oliver Twist when she asked him to tell her a little bit more about himself. Sad!
Moving on. This week, Chris Harrison lets the men know that they’ll be allowed some yard time to actually leave the mansion! This is great news for some of them, especially the ones who have only traveled about as far as the parking lot when it was decked out in bales of hay and kegs of Keystone Light for Hannah’s rose ceremony that one time. I’m happy for them!
They’ll be going to Newport, Rhode Island, and they act as if Chris just told them they won an all-inclusive trip to Croatia for Yacht Week. Sighs.
Okay, wait why are the men staying in Rhode Island if the first one-on-one date is going to take place in Boston? Why not just stay in Boston? Which intern f*cked up and forgot to book the hotel? My money’s on Chris Harrison’s least favorite nephew. Why else would he be offscreen so much this season if not because he’s riddled with shame and embarrassment? It can’t possibly be because he doesn’t give a sh*t anymore. Nope.
Jed’s One-on-One Date:
Jed gets the first one-on-one date this week and I hope for all our sakes that he does not attempt to sing. I can’t take one more karaoke audition from him. I just can’t.
Hannah begins the date by absolutely butchering American history. She’s like “no taxation without representation…maybe. Idk. I saw it on a bumper sticker once!” Jesus Christ. I guess that’s just Alabama’s public education system at work, people! Considering a friend of mine, who also hails from Hannah’s home state, once told me that she doesn’t believe dinosaurs are real because her school just didn’t cover them in history class and so, therefore, there’s no scientific basis for their existence, I’m honestly surprised Hannah even knew there was a Revolutionary War to begin with. You’re doing amazing, sweetie!
HANNAH: Today is all about fun. Fun and America.
Why do I have a feeling that’s about to be Trump’s campaign slogan in 2020?
Okay, I’m actually really loving Jed and Hannah together. He seems very down-to-earth and is much more palatable to me now that he’s ditched those wide brimmed hats he was always wearing.
*shudders*
Just when Jed was starting to think their entire date was going to be one long Halo Top sponsorship, Hannah surprises him with a private basketball practice session with the Boston Celtics! I feel as if the coolness of this date might be lost on ole Jedediah. He doesn’t look like the type to be into organized sports. Maybe horse shoeing. Or brewing his own beer out of recycled potato skins.
I like that this young, hot basketball player in the prime of his career is giving Hannah advice on how to be in a monogamous relationship as if he probably doesn’t take a page out of the Tristan Thompson cheating handbook. K.
Andddd he gets an immediate blowjob for that blind shot. Bravo. Real talk though: how many times do you think they filmed that scene until they got that shot? I’m picturing at least as many times as it took for Michael Scott to catch the warehouse guys on the flippity flip.
What started out as a beautiful date and a promising relationship quickly crashes and burns when Jed casually announces that he’s only on the show to advance his music career. JED. You can’t just say these things out loud!! Save that for your first FabFitFun box unveiling post-production like everybody else does! MY GOD it’s like he knows nothing about show biz.
Wait did she just THANK HIM FOR HIS HONESTY?! Hannah, the man just said he’s only on the show for Instagram likes and you’re going to just hand him a rose like that? Why are we not flogging him in the town square?? WHERE IS THE JUSTICE.
JED: All I need is you
Mark my words, kids, that will be the title of his first hit single. Mark. My. Words.
The Group Date:
Fast forward to the group date, where the men will be playing a game of rugby, though Luke is already treating it like he is William Wallace and this is Scotland’s last stand. K.
Okay, Hannah’s aggression during the rugby match is freaking me out. She’s all “today’s about having fun!” but then also she’s like “somebody better f*cking bleed.” Hannah gets her wish, because some rando in the house takes a hit and dislocates his shoulder. She practically orgasms at the bloodshed. Then there’s JPJ who looks like he’s one wrong shove away from calling his daddy and getting the family lawyers down there. Gotta love that kid.
I love that no one will just come out and say Luke is on steroids. They’re all like “he’s aggressive” or “he’s really into the game.” The man is practically foaming at the mouth! I think it’s safe to say there’s something else going on here. Like, dude, you said you played high school football. Chill.
Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening where the mood is tense. The other men are pissed at Luke for shoving that random guy during the game as well as Luke S. I love how production puts all these dudes on steroids into physical challenges where they are forced to assault each other, and then gets them to act surprised and outraged when people have to go to the hospital. Come on.
Luke P plays it smart and immediately seeks out Hannah to let her know that he’s not a psychopath, he just acts like one sometimes during very low-stakes recreational sports games. Lol. Got it.
LUKE P: I don’t think you can trust Luke S. He’s always talking about his brand.
HE’S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HIS BRAND. I’m crying. Yeah, him and every other guy on the internet just looking for a “chill girl” to date! What’s your point, Lukie?
Luke S, who, according to his bio, worked in politics, handles this new development with about as much grace and maturity as a kindergartener who got his blocks stolen.
“Luke P is bullying me and my tequila business, which isn’t even a business yet. But also if you would like to know more about my tequila business please follow me on IG for the launch details.” — Luke S actively not talking about his business.
While the Lukes are shaking their fists at each other and exchanging insults straight from the script of a Hello Dolly!, Hannah is off canoodling with Peter The Pilot and I am not okay. Mostly, because Peter is my boyfriend and it’s rude that he would cheat on me like this.
The night ends with Garrett getting the group date rose despite the fact that I do not remember him speaking words this entire episode. But he is tall and hot and that feels like criteria enough these days to receive a group date rose.
Tyler’s One-On-One Date
First of all, I didn’t even realize this was a one-on-one date because Hannah is just casually weeping in a corner. I, mean, this is literally my mood always on a date but MY GOD Hannah you’re the Bachelorette. Suck it up!
Tyler shows up and is like “Beautiful morning, huh??” Never mind that your date is snotting into her coat sleeve, just continue commenting on the cloud coverage, Ty!
TYLER: Rough night? Did you get drunk again?
It’s a valid question, Ty!
Hannah’s like “Sorry I’m no fun today, I’m just so emotional,” and Tyler doesn’t even blink. First of all, if they were on a date in the real world and she showed up all weepy like that Tyler would be gone in three seconds flat. I should know because I have shown up to a date in similar form, and let me tell you friends, that guy didn’t want to see my highs or my lows, just the quickest way to the exit.
Tyler talks her into carrying out the rest of their date. They go fishing and it’s almost as cute as the story he tells later about watching The Bachelorette with his dad when he was sick, and how his dad was the one to encourage him to be on the show. It’s very sweet. My mother says something similar when she watches this show with me, but replace “go for it!” with “you’ll be disowned.” Potatoes, pah-ta-toes.
The Rose Ceremony:
At long last we reach the rose ceremony, and the Lukes are still battling it out for the Iron Petty Throne. Luke is still squeezing his tiny fists as the rest of the house calculates how to quietly murder him and dispose of the body before Hannah hands out the roses. Good luck with that guys!
Also, just going to leave this here:
Elsewhere, Hannah and Peter canoodle on a couch and honestly their relationship is just making me angry at this point. He’s like “I just believe in being really direct and intentional so would you be my girlfriend?” PETER SHOULD BE MINE WTF. Like, who says stuff like that?? He is a goddamn unicorn.
Okay, is it just me or does Luke S seem like he is one of those aliens from Men in Black wearing a skin suit? He does not speak like someone who has been human for a long time. And considering he is a POLITICIAN, he should be better at this. No wonder he had to leave DC and start a tequila company.
Hannah calls the Lukes in to get to the bottom of the drama, and it feels a bit like they’ve been called to the principal’s office.
HANNAH: Luke, can you tell me what happened here?
LUKE P: 
This should go well! No rose ceremony tonight because apparently my time means nothing to the overlords at ABC. It looks like we’ll have to wait until next week to find out which Luke will prevail. My money is on the one Hannah has already given an over the pants handie to. Sorry, Luke S, looks like you’ll have to go back to pimping out your tequila business on IG like the rest of the plebes! See you for next week’s Bachelorette, betches!
Images: Giphy (4); @teamtylercameron /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
Well, fam, we’ve made it to week three of Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, which feels like a small miracle given that today is also Memorial Day. I don’t know about y’all, but my state of mind rn is nowhere near ready to handle the energy that is Hannah Beast. I just spent the last 72 hours living in a bikini and hanging out with people whose idea of a good time involves chugging beer out of a plastic mallard duck that they’ve fashioned into a makeshift beer bong (because patriotism, America, YEEHAW), and am not at all ready to crawl out of the dark, dark hole that is my hangover. I’m not sure what’s been worse: having to ride in the middle seat the whole plane ride back sandwiched between a girl who didn’t understand how to use headphones and played Candy Crush AT FULL VOLUME the entire trip and a man who committed the capital punishment offense of taking off his shoes on the goddamn airplane whilst trying not to dry heave into my crumpled Bojangles bag, or having to listen to Cam rap this evening. I guess we’ll find out.
Chris Harrison starts things off this week by bringing up how drunk Hannah was at last week’s rose ceremony. CHRIS. You can’t just throw her under the bus like that! I know he’s phoning it these days with all seven minutes of screen time he’s negotiated out of this season, but my god, he’s not even trying to hide his disgust at this point.
CHRIS: We all got to see a, ah, different side of Hannah, didn’t we?
Lmao these men are looking at him like “how could we f*cking forget.” Look, guys, it was rough for us to watch as well, but you know what? Marriage is all about having and holding through thick and thin, and right now the thick is your girl snotting into her champagne glass mid-cocktail party. This is a true testament of your love right here, boys!
The First Group Date:
Hannah and the men show up for the first group date and find Jason Biggs acting out a labor and delivery scene right before their horrified eyes. Wait. Is that Cassie’s sister panting over there? Oh no, just a blonde with a similar haircut. For a second I thought ABC was throwing her a bone and giving her an actual acting gig. It’s the least they could do for Cassie and her family after taking one for the team with Colton last spring.
For this date, Hannah wants a group of men who most certainly blow dried their hair that morning to sympathize with the trials and tribulations of being a woman by simulating pregnancy. This should be good.
To start things off, Hannah quizzes the men on basic female anatomy, and the results don’t bode well for the Fantasy Suite. One guy thought the gestation period for a woman was two weeks long, and I’ll bet if asked he’d also say that a woman has never faked it with him either. Godspeed with this one, Hans!
Hannah starts putting clothespins on the guys nipples and it’s, like, I’m sorry, but did this just turn into an S&M date?? She’s getting far too much enjoyment out of giving a bunch of men purple nurples.
Now that Hannah’s done torturing the men with clothespins she wants them to go through labor pains. Lol. Way to set the mood, Hannah. What’s next, re-enacting the pull and pray? Having the guys pee on a stick and let the pure panic and anxiety set in when it’s been more than six weeks since conception? I’m sure they’ll all want to make out you after this though!
The men are not taking fake labor well. Jed looks like he actually might sh*t himself from the pain. Meanwhile Tyler C, the man who referred to the intricacies of the female anatomy as “down there,” looks like he thinks this is a cover shoot. God, I can’t wait for her to shock his ass.
The public school sex ed program in Alabama at work, people!
Then there’s JPJ, who’s acting a little bit too surprised by the fake labor pains here. Why do I feel like he has one of these machines at home that he likes to whip out when it comes time for foreplay?
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Guys, I think Mike has an excellent chance of being the next Bachelor. I don’t really think Hannah will pick him, but he’s checking off all the Bachelor boxes here: attractiveness, smarts, and a heartbreaking sob story that will melt the panties off of every woman in America. Mark my words, kids, a star has been born.
CAM: I’ll be waiting at any time outside that door.
NOW IS NOT THAT TIME CAM. Okay, this guy is a stone cold psycho, I can’t. He’s like “I just have something really important to share with her.” Meanwhile, Mike is in the middle of sharing his literal darkest moment. Finding a new word to rhyme with “bachelorette” for your rap does not count as something “really important” to share, Cam!
Hannah tells him that some conversations just need to take longer and Cam goes “Oh, I totally get it. I’m a deep person too. I just quit my job!” That doesn’t make you deep, Cammie, that just makes you my type: unemployed. Also, didn’t they all kind of need to quit their jobs to be there? My boss barely wants to welcome me back to work after a long weekend away from the office, let alone after six weeks of humiliating myself on national television for America’s viewing pleasure.
I’m loving that Jonathan took one for the team and physically bounced Cam out of the room as if he’s me at the boats & hoes mixer sophomore year, but that was a little scary. I feel like he should have just let Cam dig his own grave, but to each their own.
JONATHAN: What goes around comes around, bro.
CAM:
THAT STARE OH MY GOD. Cam is looking at Jonathan like he’s picturing all the ways he can wear his skin as a suit and it’s so alarming.
Mike snags the group date rose, proving once again that if your backstory is juicy and sad enough, you’ll always win a rose that week. Bravo.
Connor’s One-On-One Date:
Connor gets the one-on-one date this week, which is shocking to me because I thought he went home last week? I, mean, I’m not going to check the internet or even my notes from last episode because, like, I don’t care? But it’s still odd to see him here, especially since he barely looks old enough to stay home alone while his parents go to the PTA meeting.
Lol. I love that Chris Harrison can’t even be bothered to show up and inform Connor his date isn’t happening. He just sends the intern that week in between making him pick up his laundry and a matcha tea.
Aww, this is kind of cute though. Apparently, Hannah is hungover sick, so they won’t be having a real date. Instead she just wants to hang out with him in her hotel room. Literally I have so much respect for this. If I could initiate some sort of Netflix and chill date without having to pretend to be into blowjobs, I would. Sitting in a dark room without speaking to the other person for hours on end? That is the dream, people.
Perhaps Hannah should have lead with the fact that she’s not contagious because when she goes in to kiss Connor, he practically recoils in horror. Hannah explains that she just felt faint and she went to the hospital to get more fluids. Again, her “sick” feels a lot like my hangover, but whatever you need to call it for MeeMaw watching back home!
Okay, Connor is such a cutie. After Hannah tells him to gtfo because she needs a nap (again, RESPECT), he leaves her little love sticky notes around her hotel suite. The only love note I’ve ever gotten in my entire goddamn life was from an ex-boyfriend who wrote “we need milk” and I still have it and look at it from time to time to remember what romance feels like, so you know I’m swooning.
HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK WITHOUT MAKEUP. Okay, which producer told him to write that gold line? Because I saw how squeamish he looked when he first walked into her room and found her without a stitch of makeup on and wearing sweatpants from high school. Also, “I love the sparkle in your eye”? That is such a thing you say when you literally know nothing else about the person you’re talking to. Like, what does it even mean??
I guess the ibuprofen finally started kicking in, because all of a sudden Hannah feels well enough for drinks and dancing. She picks Connor up from the mansion and Luke looks like he might smuggle himself on the date via the trunk of that limo.
Okay, where do they always find these washed up street dogs to sing at the end of all these group dates? Like, are they a part of Jed’s garage band? Do we think singing on the Bachelorette is a better or worse fate for your music career than being a wedding singer? Both seem pretty bleak to me tbh.
Connor gets the rose, but thankfully not the flu. Can you imagine? His mom never would let him stay out after 10pm again!
The Second Group Date:
For today’s date the men will be modeling with other women, and that’s certainly not a test at all. I guess Luke will have both Jesus AND Hannah watching him today. Yikes.
Okay, I didn’t know Demi was now a permanent full-time employee of Mike Fleiss? I mean, at this point she’s gotten more screen time than Chris Harrison this season. Let’s hope ABC provides good dental! She’ll need it for the upkeep on those veneers. I will say I’m glad they decided to cut the deadweight that was Katie’s presence from this episode. She contributed nothing but bewildered looks, and I get enough of those from my dog on the couch.
Hannah’s like “I want Demi here because she has good insight.” If by “insight” you mean thousands of dollars worth of spy equipment tracking every waking move of these guys, then, yes, she has GREAT insight, but I believe the law would call this situation entrapment.
I feel like Luke is going to ask the makeup artist to touch up his eyebrows. Anyone else?
He tries to grab Hannah after the photoshoot so he can talk to her while simultaneously rubbing their connection in the other guys’ faces. It’s like when I was seeing this guy a while back and my dog peed in his bed the first time she stayed the night at his place. Gotta show them who’s in charge!
I feel like Hannah was really into Luke when she was drunk, and now that she’s sobered up a bit, she’s repulsed. The drunk goggles are off now. May the odds be ever in your favor, Lukie!
HANNAH: Sometimes I’m so attracted to him and then other times I can barely stand to breathe the same air as him, you know?
Brb. Let me just go update my last will and testament to have that written on my headstone.
While I’m glad Hannah is standing up for herself here, I’m not sure why she thinks his behavior is just going to magically change? This is called toxic masculinity and it’s a life-long battle, honey. Prepare yourself now.
Seconds after Hannah finishes talking with Luke, he continues to stalk her every move and intercept every conversation she has. So, the conversation went well! I love that she was like “I hate this thing about you,” so he doubled down on the thing she hates about him. Luke, is this what Jesus really told you to do in that shower?
HANNAH: Look, I call the shots here.
ME:
YESSS GIRL. Put him in his goddamn place!
Luke, after being chastised AGAIN, handles the rejection about as well as an internet troll who’s just been denied in a DM. Luke declares that he’s not really sure he likes Hannah, he never has, and would be cool with going home. It’s the equivalent of him saying “you’re fat and I would never want to go out with you anyways.” Booooo. Go back to living under a bridge, Luke, and try your riddles out on someone who cares!
On a lighter note, I’ve very into Peter The Pilot. I’m slightly distraught that the pilots I’ve recently encountered were less hot and single and more like the type who would point out random landmarks over the intercom while you’re trying to sleep (looking at you @AmericanAirlines).
PETER: That was the smoothest take off I’ve ever had
ME AND EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN AMERICA RN: I’ll let you take off whatever you want on me.
Peter gets the group date rose, and possibly a DM from me the next time I’m drunk if he plays his cards right. Call me!
The Rose Ceremony:
Before the cocktail party can commence, Chris Harrison shows up to drop some last-minute news on the guys. I love that the men are shocked to see Chris actually doing his f*cking job. They’re like “Chris! I totally forgot you go here! It’s wild!” I guess Demi had a conflicting meeting or something that day.
Chris lets the men know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, just a tailgate. Jesus. That is the most yeehaw sh*t I’ve heard in a while, and I bonged a spiked seltzer out of a plastic duck’s mouth yesterday. Hannah’s like “I just went to the hospital so I need a chill day. Let’s bring out the keg and the bales of hay!”
After Chris leaves, Cam gives a very strange speech about how he needs to talk to Hannah privately at the beginning of the cocktail party because he has some huge secret he has to tell her. But like, what could this so-called secret possibly be? That he’s not actually a successful rapper? I’m shocked. He has a restraining order against him? I’m absolutely aghast. He’s really the zodiac killer? That one might have some merit to it. Can we get the FBI in on this one? Or at the very least Demi and that sleuthing kit she bought off Amazon Prime?
Okay, LOL, what is this story coming out of his mouth rn? Did he just google “sad endings to books” and cobble them all together into one long, convoluted story? There’s something about a 10-month-old puppy and a peg leg? Am I hearing this right? What happened with the amputation?! Is his leg fake?? I NEED ANSWERS.
Mike, a man who also used his own sob story to get a rose, tells Hannah that he thought Cam was using his “sad” story to get a rose. Mike, honey, that’s how this show works. We all know you’re just tattling in case Cam’s story is sadder than yours.
Hannah confronts Cam about the legitimacy of his peg leg story, which feels like it could easily be cleared up by looking at the two whole legs currently poking out of the basketball shorts he’s wearing. Hannah is pretty hung up over that “pity rose” comment, but in Cam’s defense, he didn’t actually use those words at all. I think he’s a moron, but he really is getting gaslighted here. The evidence would not hold up in a court of law is all I’m saying!
As the cocktail party/tailgate wraps up, they all head inside to get changed before the actual rose ceremony. Oh, so she’s not going to hand out roses over those bales of hay? I thought you said you just wanted a chill night, Hannah?
HANNAH: If I give you a rose tonight it won’t be a pity rose.
ME TO MY DOG ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
SHOTS FIRED, PEOPLE. That was savage. Hannah Beast is out tonight, y’all.
Tbh I’m not even sure why we’re having a rose ceremony here. I think we all know who’s going home tonight. Two randoms and Cam. I’d bet the advil bottle I’m currently clutching in my hand rn.
Final rose cut: Jonathan, Joey, and Cam get sent home. Well, while I hate to see you go Cammie boy, I can’t wait to see ya in Paradise, waving that fake leg of yours as your BiP intro!
And that’s a wrap from me, kids! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go crawl back into my dark hangover hole and treat this hangover with the respect it truly deserves.
Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc (1); @bachelorish /Instagram (1); ABC (2)
There’s nothing I love more than a completely random celebrity feud. I mean, Lala and Randall vs. 50 Cent was undoubtedly the highlight of my year so far. So naturally, I was delighted this morning when I opened Twitter and was immediately greeted by Chris Harrison, our beloved captain of the Bachelor ship, throwing shade at Kelly Ripa. The decision to come for Kelly Ripa is pretty dangerous—the woman is an angel! So what went down, and why can’t our favorite hosts just get along? Let’s unpack.
Look out #BachelorNation @KellyRipa is coming after you and your “disgusting” Monday night habit. https://t.co/pcAw0MtPOr
— Chris Harrison (@chrisbharrison) May 15, 2019
On Tuesday’s episode of Live With Kelly & Ryan, Ryan Seacrest announced that Hannah Brown, this season’s Miss Bachelorette USA, would be a guest on their show later in the week. The audience was excited, but Kelly Ripa, not so much. At first, she was confused, saying she thought Cassie became the new Bachelorette because she didn’t get engaged to Colton last weekend. Lol. That’s like me trying to ask my coworkers questions about Game of Thrones.
But then Kelly got into her feelings about The Bachelor in general, saying “You guys, you know how I feel about the show, it disgusts me. I can’t stand the idea of 25 exceptional women fighting over one ordinary fella, in my opinion. You know how I feel, ladies, we are too special to be arguing over a guy.”
The studio audience loudly applauded after she said this, and she’s not wrong. After Ryan gave a little more background on Hannah B. and the guys on her season, Kelly added that she thinks the whole thing is “creepy.” Honestly, I can’t really argue with her there. Of course, everyone is on the show by choice, but the producers repeatedly let these women down by bringing them contestants who are jobless, problematic, and in some cases, literal sex offenders.
This week isn’t the first time that Kelly Ripa has expressed less than positive feelings about The Bachelor. After her comments on Tuesday, Arie Luyendyk Jr. posted a screenshot on his Instagram Story from March 2018, in which Kelly says that she thinks guessing Arie and Lauren would stay together for 100 days is “being generous.”
While I have to laugh at Arie being so butt-hurt about this over a year later, I gotta say that this comment isn’t a great look for Kelly. She’s not hurting anyone, but it’s a little mean-spirited. Overall, I largely agree with Kelly Ripa that The Bachelor is a flawed system, and that it doesn’t usually bring out the best in its contestants, but Arie and Lauren are married and about to have a baby, so she was wrong here.
But after all this, I’m still most intrigued by the mildly threatening tweet from Chris Harrison to Kelly Ripa. I mean, it’s fine if they don’t like each other, but Chris is acting like he’s about to unleash Bachelor Nation on Kelly like a pack of dogs. Kelly is still having Hannah on her show, so it’s not like The Bachelorette is getting no publicity from her. But even worse, Mike Fleiss also jumped in with another vaguely threatening tweet directed at Kelly Ripa.
Easy, @KellyRipa … #TheBachelor franchise pays your salary!
— Mike Fleiss (@fleissmeister) May 15, 2019
I’ve gotta say, these men getting this worked up over a few comments from Kelly Ripa is pretty hilarious, but they need to cool it with the threatening tone. Regardless, this feud is the most alive I’ve felt since that brief moment in time when Khloé Kardashian was briefly in a feud with Mike Fleiss. There’s no mess quite like a Bachelor Nation mess.
Images: @chrisbharrison, @fleissmeister / Twitter; @ariejr / Instagram
After a brief hiatus where we were all free to spend our Monday evenings doing laundry, or going to the gym, or crying into a wine glass the size of a mixing bowl (just me?), or really doing anything other than being held hostage by Mike Fleiss for 2-4 goddamn hours, ABC is back on their bullsh*t with the newest season of The Bachelorette. But guess what, betches? SO. AM. I. As some of you may recall, I’m the resident recapper for all things Bachelor-related, and I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and tears consuming obscene amounts of alcohol. My parents are so proud. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been dreading this moment ever since last season, when Chris Harrison promised me the most dramatic season ever and instead I got eight weeks of watching a relationship that could have been built over an Instagram DM.
I’m slightly more hopeful for The Bachelorette, despite the fact that I’m already mentally preparing myself to hear the phrase “Roll Tide!” no less than 1,000 times in this two-hour episode. In case anyone forgot, yes, Hannah B aka Alabama Hannah aka Little Miss Professional Runner-Up is the new Bachelorette! I feel like this season we might be in for a real treat and get a more down-to-earth, can’t-be-swayed-by-the-Flat-Tummy-Tea-deals type of Bachelorette, or we’ll get the type who won’t be able to speak words. As I said, a real treat!
And on that note, let’s get to recapping, shall we?
Just to set the mood for you guys, my dog, after seeing me break open a bottle of rosé and hearing the beginnings of Chris Harrison’s opening monologue, has already fled to the bedroom. She was Team Caelynn, so I guess you could say we’re a divided house now. Moving on.
God, Hannah is so uncomfortable to watch already. Production is trying to get in the obligatory Bachelorette-thinking-about-the-dismal-state-of-her-love-life shot and she’s acting like she just discovered she has arms and legs. It’s like she’s never recorded herself for a Fab Fit Fun partnership before? How refreshing.
HANNAH B: I know I just have to completely be myself.
ALSO HANNAH B ANYTIME A CAMERA GETS NEAR HER:
Jesus. I’m going to need more wine for this.
Is it just me or does this episode feel like it’s moving super fast? We’re already watching home video footage of the prospective suitors. If this were Colton’s season we’d still be watching Ashley I lecture a crowd of fans about finding love when you least expect it the guy has dated literally everybody else first and getting updates from Shirley in Lansing, MI about her viewing party.
But back to the home video footage of the prospective suitors. I always love this part of the premiere, because nine times out of ten the men they show in these videos are not going to make it to the end. If anything, it weeds out which ones are looking for something serious and which ones are just emotionally stunted circus animals masquerading as attractive, single men. I love it. Dance monkeys, dance!
That said, here are my first impressions:
– I was here for Tyler the contractor until he compared himself to a young Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Now I need to go bleach my eyeballs in the hopes of unseeing that entire scene. Brb.
– Mike, you seem sweet, but that turtleneck is giving me some serious flashbacks to Nick Viall lisping about giving Raven her first orgasm. It’s off-putting to say the least.
I DON’T TRUST IT.
– Okay, did they literally just put out a casting call for another Grocery Store Joe. Italian? Into boxes? From Chicago? THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GROCERY STORE JOE, ABC. And this hack sure ain’t it.
– Luke already looks like a front runner. Crossfit? Check. Casually highlighting passages in the bible? Double check. Pimping out his brother’s child for this intro video? I’m wet. Check, check, check. Wait. Did Luke just say that God talked to him in the shower? I take back every nice thing I just said about him. I’m sorry, Luke, but an orgasm after jerking off in the shower is not God talking to you. It’s a just natural body reaction. Someone get this kid The Care and Keeping of You STAT!
THE LIMO INTRODUCTIONS
Moving on to the limo introductions. Hannah B shows up to the Bachelor mansion dressed like a goddamn vision in silver sequins. I can’t decide if I truly love this dress or if it reminds me of the floor of a Forever21. Probably both.
The first man comes out of the limo and I’m truly on the edge of my seat. I love this part of night one because we get to see whose producers are rooting for them and whose producers want to immortalize them as a meme by 10pm eastern time. LET THE GAMES BEGIN.
Do we think Hannah told them not to do any stupid gags? Because these guys are not impressing me. I haven’t even heard one “Roll Tide!” Just as I’m starting to think the HR meeting we had last week on the use of appropriate fonts in work emails was more entertaining than this episode, one guy takes a stab at what’s left of Colton’s dignity (spoiler alert: there’s nothing left) and jumps the Bachelor mansion fence as his intro. What we don’t see is Chris Harrison physically recoiling in the background at the mere mention of fence jumping.
A guy who looks like he would roofie my drink introduces himself as John Paul Jones. Watch out, girls, I don’t think we’ve seen the last of this guy. If I know anything about guys who go by three names and refer to themselves in the third person, it’s that they’re destined for big things. And by “big things” I mean a true crime docu-series in which we learn all about the bodies they’ve stashed in their freezers. Good luck with this one though, Hans!
Next, we have a wannabe grocery store Joe who apparently thinks the way to woo a woman is by scaring the sh*t out of her. He’s just lucky Hannah is from Alabama. You pull that sh*t on a girl in New York and his ass would be pepper sprayed.
CAM: I’ve been practicing my freestyle. Spitting some game, if you will.
ME:
Seriously, what did we do to deserve this? In the immortal words of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi: “I’m a good fucking person!” I’m not gonna lie, I thought his little white boy rapper schtick was cute during the “After The Final Rose” taping. Was it obnoxious? Yes. Did it make me want to delete all my dating apps and commit to a life of solitude with only my dogs to keep my company? Just a little. But, hey, at least he was memorable! Now, though, he’s forced us to sit through not one but TWO raps, and I’m rethinking my earlier stance on the matter. That’s strike two, Cammie. Strike three and you’ll be getting a VERY detailed complaint from me in your DMs. Don’t poke the bear, buddy.
Next up we have Peter, who walks out in his pilot uniform and just made every girl in America consider sliding into his DMs. I know I am.
Peter, you can call me.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
I’m going to end the limo introductions on that high note with Peter and move on to the cocktail party portion of the evening. Hannah starts things off by sending out a quick prayer about not completely humiliating herself tonight. Relatable. It’s a nice sentiment, Hannah, but I think your prayers would be better directed at the Church of Mike Fleiss if you want to save yourself from public shame. Just a tip!
One of the guys pulls Hannah aside because he wants to throw her a proper bachelorette party. I’m sorry, but does this kid know how bachelorette parties work? There’s no need for this elaborate theme park he’s set up here. All he needed to do was give her nine shots of tequila and call it a night.
Cam, feeling cocky with that first rose, steals the first kiss from Hannah. He prefaces the kiss by saying “he doesn’t usually do this” which is something I say after pounding wine at happy hour and getting felt up by a random guy in the corner by the bathrooms, but fine Cam. Stick with that story.
I love that Demi has had almost, if not more, screen time than Chris Harrison this episode. If this is ABC priming her for host status I. am. here. for. it. Speaking of which, Demi and some random girl from Colton’s season whose name I cannot recall roll up to the Bachelor mansion in the van my mother always warned me about as a child. They’re here to do some “recon” on Hannah’s men, which can only mean they’re here to ruin lives. *turns up volume*
Demi says that some girl DMed her on Instagram and told her that one of the guys has a girlfriend back home, as if that’s enough of an explanation for why she rented out the van pedophiles use on Law & Order: SVU to lure children in with free candy. K.
So, wait. This nerd Scott is supposed to be the scumbag? He couldn’t even string a full sentence together when he introduced himself earlier in the night and he’s supposed to be this master manipulator? I would like to see the screenshots of these DMs. SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS.
Okay, I am LIVING for Hannah right in this moment. Instead of acting calm or taking a minute to process the information she immediately goes on the offense and confronts Scott. I think he just wet himself a little. YESSSS GIRL. GET IT.
ME WATCHING HANNAH COME FOR SCOTT RN:
I can’t believe he admitted to dumping a girl to come on the show!! These are things you can’t just admit on national television, buddy! He’s like “well weren’t you dating Colton like five minutes ago?” Oh, yeah, that’s good Scott. Casually slut-shame the Bachelorette on night one. In hindsight, I should have known Scott was garbage because here I was all episode thinking he was cute. Sighs.
Hannah comes back into the house and breaks the news to the other men about why Scott was sent home. Meanwhile, every guy in that room is staring at her like they’re hoping their girlfriends back home are a little less vindictive than Scott’s. Try to look a little less terrified, boys!
Luke heads off to try and cheer Hannah up and also start campaigning for his position as the next Bachelor. Is it just me or is this guy is a little too good to be true? Hmm? Like, what’s your motive, sir? To respect and uplift women? Yeah, I’m not buying it.
But I guess I’m the only one, because Luke gets the First Impression Rose, effectively proving that anyone can come back from growling at the Bachelorette on the first date.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
We made it to the first rose ceremony of the season, and not one single guy got wasted and jumped in the pool. Boooooo. Garrett does seem far to nervous about his status on the show. As if there was ever a question that a traditionally attractive white golfer from Alabama was not getting a rose. Please.
Final rose cut: Brian, Hunter, Ryan, Thomas, Old McDonald, wannabe grocery store Joe, and Chasen all get sent home night one.
The only one I’m truly surprised about is Chasen. Despite the fact that his name makes me want to report his parents to child services, he was a stone cold hottie AND a pilot. Obviously, Hannah is not thinking about the bigger picture free flights she could have gotten out of this relationship. Shame.
And on that note, I’m outtie, betches. Until next week!
Images: ABC; Giphy (5); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for years. When I first started, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were follower thirsty. The last few seasons they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to find a way to write “influencer” thirty different ways. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor cafe while we make fun of the people who walk past except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid), where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
Hannah Brown
So I can’t really remember a more hated bachelorette. Becca had the public behind her because she got dumped so brutally by Arie. Rachel was liked by everyone plus she was the first black bachelorette so that added a lot of positive social momentum. And JoJo was, and will always be, my… I mean, OUR queen.
The problem with Hannah is that she’s not “us.” And what I mean by “us” is that she’s not relatable to anyone who watches the show. She was the 2018 Miss Alabama USA. Come on. Beauty pageant winner is the least relatable person alive. At one point in her life someone was like “Your so hot we gotta make you compete against other hot people to see who’s hottest!” And then she got trained in the pageant world. So not only is she this gorgeous woman but now she has this really defined view on what makes good manners and class that none of us even know. You saw it on the show with Colton. There was one moment she claimed that she couldn’t handle a man she’s dating being with other women. Well Hannah, that’s literally the show.
It didn’t help matters that when she was revealed as the Bachelorette and introduced to some of the guys, she couldn’t even put a sentence together. She literally sounded like the Charlie Brown parents. We all sat there thinking “Didn’t she do pageants?! Shouldn’t she be good at all of this stuff?!”
So now we’re all kind of here thinking she skated by on looks and her pageant talent was communicating via weird noises that aren’t words.
Let’s meet the men Hannah will correct on how to hold a fork at a fine dining event.
Brian
Brian is a 30-year-old math teacher from Kentucky who calls himself a “pun and sarcasm enthusiast.” I really don’t like anyone that considers themselves an enthusiast about anything. Especially for puns and sarcasm. One minute they’re like “Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula!” And you’re like “This is fun!” And the next minute they’re like “How many Jews are too many in this country?!” And you’re like “WHAT?” And they’re like “I’m sarcastic!! Everyone’s so sensitive now!”
Cam
Cam is a 30-year-old from Austin who does software sales. This is one of those bios that sounds more important than it actually is. Like he could easily say he “works in tech in Austin” at a bar on Rainey street and convince a girl on a bachelor party that he’s someone important. Here’s the reality, everyone in Austin works in software sales. Dell Computers was the first tech company to set up shop there and then everyone made some money and started spinning off their own companies. The women in Austin are rolling their eyes at Cam. They call it “Never Never Land” because the men don’t want to grow up. A guy saying he lives in Austin to work in software sales is like someone saying they got on a cruise ship to get to an island. Cam lives and works in Austin because nobody cares that you still rent at 30.
Chasen
Chasen is a-27 year-old pilot who won’t win, but viewers will LOVE. The audience loves men with jobs they learned about in elementary school. But his name is Chasen. I can’t imagine a man over the age of nine with the name Chasen. It sounds like the name of a kid whose mom would yell “Chasen! Honey! You know you can’t eat peanuts! You’re allergic! Come here! Mommy has a gluten free lettuce wrap with sprouts! You love sprouts! Now come here and say goodbye to your friend Greyson!!”
Conner J
Conner J is a 28-year-old sales manager from California whose grandmother says “deserves a sexy woman who is ready to give her grandkids.” That’s one of those statements none of us want to hear a grandmother say. In fact, when I read it, I imagined an old woman crouched over pointing at Conner J’s balls like she was a barker at a carnival. “Come right up ladies!! I’m gonna need you to be sexy and fertile for my boy here!! Gimmie those grandkids!!! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!!!” Was that Conner’s grandma or my mom at temple on the high holidays? I’m not sure.
Connor S
Connor S is a 24-year-old investment analyst from Dallas who refers to himself as a “Travel junkie.” A “travel junkie?!” At 24?! That’s an insult to junkies. Was there a Disney cruise his parents brought him on that made him this so-called junkie?! Homeless people doing sexual favors for drugs didn’t get that way after one line of coke. They didn’t snort one line, turn to their friends and say “Welp! Time to dance on a piece of cardboard for the rest of my life!” You had a good time doing a semester abroad in an English-speaking country Conner. That’s it.
Daron
Daron is a 25-year-old IT Consultant from Atlanta who says he’s a giant teddy bear. I can’t disagree with that. Ever see someone you just want to hug? Like you’re out on the street and they’re a bit bigger and beefier and they’re in a puffy coat and you think, “I wish I could hug this person non-sexually and fall asleep in their arms for 10 minutes?!” Well that’s Daron for me. And guess what?! You can see Daron and I presenting our business “Bonerless Hugs” on the season finale of Shark Tank NEXT WEEK!
Devin
Devin is a 27-year-old talent manager from California. Imagine moving to LA to be an actor. You’ve given up everything. You’re take acting classes, working horrible jobs, and you deal with the embarrassment of everyone telling you how little chance you have of “making it.” Then you get a manager, his name is Devin, he’s got a weird part shaved into his head but that means he must be VERY Hollywood. It feels like you’re finally making headway. Your mom comes to visit and she cautiously asks how the acting is going and you confidently respond, “It’s great! I finally have a manager. I actually have to call him about our next steps now. I’m sure he’s got a few scripts for me to read.” Then you call his office and there’s no answer. So you try his cell. He picks up. He’s breathing heavy. He screams “HEY. I CANT TALK RIGHT NOW. WE’RE MUD WRESTLING ON THIS GROUP DATE! I’ll CALL YOU BACK!” Devin hangs up. You keep the phone to your ear. Your mom is looking at you. Wide-eyed. Excited. You say into the phone, “Sounds great. Email me the script.”
How dare you, Devin. How dare you.
Dustin
Dustin is a 30-year-old real estate broker from Chicago. Dustin’s bio says the following:
The son of a single mom, Dustin says that if a woman wants to be with him, she’ll definitely need mom’s approval first.
The reason for this bio is that the key to sticking around an extra week is having any type of struggle. So we’re definitely meeting Dustin’s mom during episode one. And she’s going to do a teary eyed interview where she whispers “That’s my babay.” But it’s funny that this even needs to be said. Oh you’d like your mom’s approval?! I planned on bringing home my girlfriend and saying “This is Jess! You get what you get you old bag!!”
Dylan
Dylan is a 24-year-old tech entrepreneur from San Diego, who has a boat and started a company where people can work out while giving food to those in need. Or if you’re a normal person you read that as “Rich rich rich, rich rich. Rich rich loaded. My parents have generational wealth.”
Dylan is so rich that he’s 24 and he’s about to take a two-month vacation away from his new business. A business that sounds like the idea of an idealistic third grader; “And we’ll have a gym. And it’ll have food. And every time someone does a squat a gumdrop will come out of their butt to feed the homeless!!”
Garrett
Garrett is a 27-year-old golf pro from Birmingham, Alabama whose sister-in-law signed him up because she thought he had a lot in common with Hannah. It’s weird to get set up with someone but can you imagine your sister-in-law being like, “I have the best girl for you!” And you’re like “Awesome! Let’s see a picture.” And then she’s like “Let’s watch the whole season!!” And you’re like “What?!” And then you realize your sister-in-law had a baby and lost all contact with her friends and she’s so crazy that she thinks she has the ability to set you up with someone she watched on TV. So instead of finding his sister-in-law help, Garrett went with it and is now on the show.
Grant
So Grant is unemployed and his bio says he hates a bunch of things that the internet has decided it’s ok to hate (i.e. CrossFit). He also plans on calling people out. Grant came on for fame I’m totally fine with that. There’s two ways these guys go. The less fun way is when they act like they’re actually trying to get the girl and they get annoying and we all know they won’t win. The best way is when they act as an on-camera producer. They gossip. They wink at the audience during interviews. They pit two men taking themselves way too seriously on a dating show against one another for our enjoyment. I’m hoping Grant is a man of the people and creates some action.
Hunter
Hunter is a 24-year-old pro surfer who lives with his parents and isn’t getting past the first week. Hannah just doesn’t seem like the type to hear that and even keep the conversation going. I can imagine her saying “Oh! A pro surfer!! Coooooool.” And while she was saying the elongated “cool” she’s turning and walking away while a dejected Hunter daydreams of a gnarly rip-curl.
Jed
Jed is a 25-year-old singer/songwriter from Nashville Tennessee and he might have the worst neck to head size ratio I’ve ever seen. He looks like a centaur except it’s part giraffe, part Jed’s head.
I’m excited for Jed to make it pretty far then come back next season as the band they freak out about as if they’re famous while we all sit at home and whisper as a nation,”Who?!”
Joe
Joe is 30 and refers to himself as “The Box King” because he works at his family’s box company (Honestly, Joe seems like the type to say “They call me the box king” and then stick his tongue out before whispering “Oral.”). Joe enjoys going to Vegas and club hoping. Reading “Enjoys Vegas and club hoping” on a dating app is worse to me than reading “Sometimes I forget to take the pill!”
I think this show might kill Joe. The last thing a club-hopping Vegas guy like Joe needs is 200k female Instagram followers. I have a feeling that five years from now we’re going to see a collaboration between Joe and someone from The Jersey Shore on a show called “Celebrity STD Club.”
Joey
Joey is a 33-year-old finance manager who claims to have spent his 20s having adventures. His greatest adventure is the path the barber took with the part on his head. I’ve seen this haircut a bunch and I honestly don’t get it. What does it look like when he wakes up? Is this really popular with geometry fans?! How do you even ask for this?! “Hey! Give me a line like the one on my ASICS sneakers!”
John Paul Jones
Ya John Paul Jones is 24 and goes by John Paul Jones and only drinks champagne. Judging by his bio, he came on this show to be the villain. He’s already doing a great job. His face is really tough for me to look at without clenching my fist. I honestly can’t believe that in 2019 someone who looks like JPJ is allowed on TV. I feel like we’re going to read an article about how someone felt triggered by his presence. The headline will be “Guy Who Looks Like The Mascot For White Privilege Is Triggering Students At Colby College.”
Jonathan
Jonathan is a 27-year-old server who says religion plays a “very important role” in his life. I have no relation to that quote. Nothing against religion. I just don’t know what I’d say if a producer was like “What plays a very important role in your life?” I’d be like, “Umm I don’t know. I guess it’s important for a restaurant to have those bathrooms that are their own room and the sinks are communal so you can sit on the toilet for a while without people realizing that you’ve been in there twenty minutes. And family. Family is important too I guess. But really that type of bathroom is the best.”
Kevin
Kevin is a 27-year-old behavioral health specialist who helps vets deal with trauma. Kevin seems great. But there’s one thing about Kevin that seems horrible: it says that he’d like to travel more but he won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have an available gym. I can’t imagine traveling with this guy. You wake up to go to the beach and he’s packing up protein and lifting gloves into a backpack to go to a gym he found in the Dominican. You decide to have a couple drinks as he sits in front of you drinking water from a gallon jug. You say, “Skip the gym today! Let’s go jet skiing!” And Kevin’s like, “IT’S CALF DAY!”
Luke P
Luke P is a import/export manager from Georgia who says he had a religious awakening in college. It seems like there’s two types of men on this season’s cast—religious, and someone who might spit on a church—without any in-between. It’s like one of the producers decided they wanted to see who would win: God, or everyone who has ever ordered bottle service at Lavo.
Luke S
Luke is a 29-year-old political consultant who says he’s a tequila expert. I’m not even sure what that means. I’m annoyed by Luke. He looks like a toddler whose mom dressed him up for church. He also claims he hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush. The whole bio is annoying. I’m imagining Luke at a bar in Adams Morgan telling his story about that time he almost scored with EmRata. He sips on a mezcal and then comments on the smokiness. The thought of it makes my blood boil. I want to follow him around and interrupt every time he brings up that story. He’s like “Ya, so Emily totally blushed” and I jump in like, “NO NO NO. Women blush when they don’t want to talk to you. She probably was wondering why a model for The Gap Kids was talking to her.” Then I’d walk out of the restaurant, get into my Nissan Sentra and listen to Dave Matthews until Luke goes to another bar.
Matt Donald
Matt Donald is the name that this guy is going with. Ya, I don’t know either. He’s a 26-year-old medical device salesman who has deaf family members so he’ll definitely be signing “Nice to meet you” or something when he gets out of the limo.” If it were me I’d sign, “I just farted” and say it was “Nice to meet you” just to have fun with the people at home. But that’s just me.
Matt Donald (yes that’s his name) says he’s an old-fashioned guy. That should be the biggest red flag for women. Saying you’re an “old-fashioned guy” is the easiest way to lie to a woman. That puts it all on them to imagine what their version of old fashion means. He sells medical devices. He’s going on a tv show to meet his wife. He communicates with his mouth, hands, and a computer in his pocket. I don’t think there’s anyone less old-fashioned than Matt Donald (that’s his name). He’ll end up not texting for a week and then you’ll call him out on it and he’ll say he’s old-fashioned while he’s busy on a dating app. You know, just like the guys in the fifties.
Matteo
Each season one guy has a bio that goes a bit viral and Matteo is this season’s guy. Matteo is a sperm donor who helped create 114 children. He’s basically patient zero for 23 And Me. What people are overlooking is why his sperm has been used so much. He’s a mechanical engineer who graduated from Georgia Tech (legit). He’s a good-looking guy. He’s exactly what all of you would choose from a book of sperm. His sperm gets you into college, graduates you at the top of your class, makes you hirable, and lets you eat whatever you want while keeping those bottom abs that create the V towards your groin. Don’t blame Matteo for being the perfect specimen. Blame yourself and your sperm nobody would ever want.
Matthew
Matthew is 23, and his bio says that he works at his family’s auctioneering company. Then it says that he’s working on a real estate license. And finally, the bio says that he’d like to work at his family’s winery. So what the hell is going on? I’ll tell you. Matthew is a “waiter.” Not at a restaurant. He’s waiting on his parents to die so he can collect their money and stop spending his days looking busy. And due to that, we’re going to be seeing a lot of Matthew for the next two years. He’ll be on this show and then paradise and then he’ll disappear. If you ever look around three years from now and think “Whatever happened to Matthew?” Know that his parents passed away and he retired to their winery.
Mike
Mike’s bio reads like it was made to make a woman so hot that she slips off her chair. He’s an Air Force vet who has been to 30 countries and he wants to learn Mandarin. All it’s missing is that he’s a nationally-ranked cunnilingus giver. I feel like he was created in a lab to have sex with all the women.
Peter
Peter is a 27-year-old pilot. His bio is pretty normal. It talks about his dad being a pilot too and football and his grandma’s name is Rose and how his life motto is “you should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you.” And then wayyy at the end it says, “Peter still lives at home.” It’s almost like that was something Peter wanted to leave out! Peter needs to change his life motto. It should be something like “Live this life at home, where the rent is free, and mommy makes your bed!”
Ryan
Ryan looks like every guy you’ve ever done coke with in college. I didn’t even read his bio. I just can’t shake this feeling he’s about to yell at me about his app idea.
Scott
Scott is a 28-year-old software salesman from Chicago. I swear he’s every guy in their twenties that I’ve ever met from Chicago. His bio says he likes to day drink on rooftops while watching sports with his buddies. Oh really Scott?! Do you do that in Old Town?! I bet you he likes the Cubs and goes to the HangeeUppee late at night even though he knows the place is a joke. Over the summer he gets a lake house and one weekend a winter he goes to a cabin. His family is from outside the city and he loves to tell people that Au Cheval is overrated. He used to be into CrossFit but now he’s really concentrating on Keto. Am I right? Oh I’m exactly right? Ok let’s move on.
Thomas
Thomas played pro basketball internationally and now lives in Detroit. His basketball nickname was “Mr. Fourth Quarter” which is way better than my college nickname, “Mr. CumsQuickly ApologizesProfusely.”
Tyler C
Tyler is a 26-year-old general contractor from Jupiter, Florida. I love his bio because it so severely misreads how we would react. It literally says:
Don’t let Tyler C.’s good looks fool you. This stud has his MBA from Florida Atlantic University and kills it as a general contractor in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida
An MBA from Florida Atlantic?! Let me put on my makeup!!! Attention ladies!! The king of Jupiter, Florida is about to arrive!! Prepare your classiest Publix Sub order!!!
Tyler G
Tyler G is a 28-year-old psychology grad student from Boca. If I’m another contestant on the show, I don’t want a future psychologist walking around. I’d be afraid he was there as a mole for his thesis. Something like “The Lengths People Will Stoop For Instagram.” He’ll randomly talk to you with weird hypotheticals like, “Hey man! If Hannah were an Instagram story that got a larger than normal audience, is that something you’d be happy about?” And “Hey man! Do you ever lose feeling in your legs from pooping too long because of your phone?” And you’d be like “What?!” And Tyler is just like, “Just wondering. No worries.”
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Images: ABC (32)
In the past couple years, it’s become a beloved tradition: every year when ABC announces the contestants on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, one of them inevitably gets canceled for being problematic on social media. Last year, we had Garrett, who somehow still won Becca’s season, and Lincoln, and on Colton’s season we had Tracy, all of whom made ABC’s alleged vetting process look less legit than Olivia Jade‘s SAT scores.
Last week, immediately after the conclusion of Colton’s season, ABC surprised us by releasing all 33 of Hannah B’s men, and no one was impressed. Just from a first glance, I was truly confused what casting technique Mike Fleiss used to arrive at this disappointing crop of guys. There are some definite fixer uppers in this bunch, but also just some trash. Over the weekend, one of Hannah B’s contestants had his shady Instagram past exposed, and we need to address it.
THE MAN IN QUESTION
This is Matt Dione, he’s 31 years old, and he’s from Winter Springs, Florida. Of course he’s from Florida. Matt looks like the exact kind of guy who would only text you after 1am, and it turns out that’s not so far from the truth. On Friday, Twitter user Sam Smithburger posted screenshots of her Instagram DM thread with Matt, and it is appallingly one-sided.
This guy used to dm me on insta consistently for like 2 years and now he’s a contestant on the new Bachelorette lmao pic.twitter.com/bhUuZsTKQG
— sam smithburger (@SamSmithburger) March 16, 2019
As you can see, Matt DMed this poor girl for two full years with literally no response, which is pretty pathetic even for the most ambitious of f*ckboys. My personal favorite is when he calls her Sam Smith, because I’m not sure if it’s a typo or a reference to Sam Smith the singer. I’m going with the latter. In any case, it is f*cking ridiculous to continually contact someone for YEARS without receiving any kind of response. I know men are stereotypically dumb and can’t take hints, but COME ON.
We reached out to Matt for comment, and here’s what he had to say:
“Why is this a story? Thanks for asking but this stuff is pissing me off to no end.”
I mean, yeah, I get why you’d be pissed off if someone exposed your weird DMs. But there is also a pretty simple solution to that, I’m just saying. Matt also sent us screenshots of DMs with another reporter, where he talked about how he’s being made to look terrible now, and jokingly calls himself “a menace to society.” He also digs himself deeper when trying to explain his DMing strategy in this conversation posted by another Bachelor account:
Sorry, but I fully spit out my water when I got to the end. “God forbid she just let me be and become mildly famous” is definitely one of my favorite sentences I’ve ever read, but also lmao at this dude thinking he’s going to become famous from being on The Bachelorette. Sorry, but he is not top-four material. Matt is also doing a textbook straight man behavior, which is realizing that your behavior was creepy, but still trying to justify it. Men everywhere, please stop this. Everyone makes mistakes, but once you see the creepy aspect, just cease and desist. No one wants to hear your reasoning.
SPOILERS AHEAD.
Filming for the Hannah B’s season of The Bachelorette started late last week, and multiple Bachelor spoiler accounts are reporting that Matt has already been sent home. It’s unclear whether his elimination was due to these DMs or just because Hannah B. didn’t like him, but it looks like he won’t be making it to hometowns or becoming mildly famous. Shame! Now, she just has 32 other duds she has to get through before she can achieve her true potential as an influencer. Stay strong, Hannah!
Images: ABC, @samsmithburger / Twitter; @bachelornation.scoop / Instagram
