Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 36-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love them so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V.
This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker got their first dangly earring. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram, where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Matt James’ season is in my highlights). And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor Post-Game Show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.
Michelle
Michelle Young is a 28-year-old kindergarten teacher from Minneapolis who is BELOVED by the audience. This is a bit of a change from the last few Bachelorettes. Clare had the “elder Bachelorette” branding that kind of forced the audience to say they loved her, Tayshia didn’t have the run-up to the season because she just appeared after Clare left, and Katie divided the audience into “I like her because she’s bold,” “I don’t buy it,” and “SHE HAD A DILDO AND THE DEVIL WILL OWN HER SOUL FOREVER!!”
But Michelle is loved. Her lack of social media presence, the fact that they taped the show in her hometown to accommodate her teaching duties, and the laid back way she handled being on Matt’s drama-filled season really speaks to them. Bachelor Nation loves a Hallmark movie character playing out in real life. Michelle is that. A former Division 1 basketball player becomes a kindergarten teacher in her hometown that isn’t New York or LA?! That’s basically Hallmark movie porn for Bachelor Nation. It hits all the senses for them. They might collectively slip off their chairs when they introduce her Tuesday night. They don’t even need Katie’s vibrator. I’m excited for Michelle. Let’s see the crazies they’re fixing her up with.
Alec
Alec is a 29-year-old from North Charleston who looks like if “I work in finance” were a face. He says that he learned about commitment after his first marriage ended, which is code word for “someone cheated”. The women reading this will assume it was Alec, the men reading this will assume “Hey, everyone’s got problems” and stay completely out of having an opinion. He says he’s “not here to waste anyone’s time” which is hilarious since he’s going onto a reality show to compete with 29 other men for one woman. The literal meaning of waste of time. That’s like saying “I’m here to lose weight” while eating chicken fingers because, “protein.”
Brandon J
Brandon J is a 26-year-old traveling nurse recruiter from Portland, Oregon who says that he “once hopped on stage during a Lil Wayne and Drake concert.” That’s a cue for my exit. Imagine going to a concert with someone who thinks “hopping on stage” is a normal thing? You’re like, “Where are you going?!” And they’re like “I’m just feeling this song!! Drake and Lil Wayne will totally get it!” I’m not sure what would make me angrier, the fact that they were my ride home or that they did mushrooms without me.
Brandon K
Brandon K is a 29-year-old brand manager from Austin who looks like someone you’d avoid because he’s going to tell you about a great craft beer. Brandon says that he “wants to make a real social impact within his community.” Which is Austin/Tech-town-speak for “I’ve never worked at a charity but I like the idea of charity.” People who work at a soup kitchen are like “WE NEED MORE SOUP AND NAPKINS!! I’M THERE TUESDAYS BY THE BACK DOOR!!” People who work in Silicon Valley or Austin know that they can make money off of sounding good and say stuff like “The social awareness of a millennial is at the heart of our impact of consciousness.” And then you realize you have no idea what they’re saying and you’re tweeting a link that finds them new investors.
Bryan
Bryan is a 31-year-old NFL player from Chicago whose haircut was created by Pixar animation. This show should be all former professional athletes. They have the time. Their life is a constant struggle of figuring out if a woman is there “for the right reasons.” The fact that non-athletes go on the show should tell you everything about the confidence of a man. A guy comes on this show and he meets Bryan with a seven year NFL career and about a million in the bank and he’s staying thinking he’s got a shot. He’s like, “But she hasn’t met me, the personal trainer whose mom says he’s handsome!”
Casey
Casey is a 36-year-old advertising creative director from Miami whose bio says he has “outgrown the local dating scene where women care more about their Instagram stories than making meaningful connections.” What garbage. No easier opinion than blaming the people who are obsessed with social media for you being single. You know what’s NOT the answer to the social media driven dating problems of Miami?! A TV show about dating that happens to get you more of a social media following!!! Casey’s bio also says that he is a closeted hippie but hates living in tents. Casey is a pretty good liar. He knows how to speak and sound a certain way. Everyone wants to say they’re a hippie until they’re sleeping under a hemp blanket. There’s no such thing as a hippie who hates tents. Everyone has a hippie friend who they’d never live with because they’ll be cool with a fridge that’s somehow also the shower and a bed that you two would share.
Chris G
Chris G is a 28-year-old motivational speaker from Nova Scotia who wore a sweatshirt under a sport-coat to show that he’s fun but serious. There isn’t a worse look. What’s his speech?! “How to look like a tech billionaire from the sale rack at Old Navy!” Just because Mark Zuckerberg exists doesn’t make him a fashion icon. This outfit should be called, “My mom likes part of it and doesn’t understand the rest even though she purchased every piece”.
Chris S
Chris S says he “prides himself in falling in love with someone on the inside rather than the outside.” Thats something that sounds good on a bio and not so good when you say it to your girlfriend while tipsy on a double date: “How’d we fall in love?? It was never her looks! No, no, no! It was her mind that I loved! I could’ve had way hotter women!! Trust me. I was on The Bachelorette! But look at her. It was never that face. It was her mind that I fell for!! Right honey?!” Then Chris spends the weekend masturbating on the couch.
Clayton
Clayton has already been cast as the next Bachelor, and is described in his bio as “a Missouri thoroughbred.” This is one of those moments that shows how differently the audience consume the contestants on the show based on their gender. Like, I think it would sound very “icky” if the woman who was already cast as the next Bachelorette were to be described as a “San Diego breed-worthy, purebred with birthing hips.”
Daniel
Daniel is a 26-year-old firefighter from Austin. That’s got to be a weird town to be a firefighter. Like, you thought you’d be in Texas taking care of “Texas problems!” Instead, you show up to a burning house and someone wearing a Carmen San Diego khaki hat is crying and screaming on the front lawn. They tell you that they were burning sage and they tripped over their crystals and the sage flew right into their tapestry and now their pet squirrel named Sunset is trapped inside the house. Now Daniel is risking his life for a squirrel while an influencer is telling him that “this never happened when they lived in LA!”
Edward
Edward looks like the next door neighbor on CW high school drama who made you feel badly about your body because you were 16 and he was a 27-year-old playing a 16-year-old. He’s also described as a “wellness coach”, which continues the Bachelor tradition of taking job titles like “front desk guy at Barry’s Bootcamp” and turning them into something more important.
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Garrett
Garrett is a 33-year-old tech CEO from Salt Lake City. This is who I want to see on The Bachelorette! I want tech CEOs and athletes and retirees. The men we need to see on TV are the ones who have had so much financial success that they’ve lost all touch with reality. The ones like Garrett, who looks like he got a blowout for his photo shoot because he met a woman at a hotel bar who worked at Drybar.
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Jack
Jack is a 30-year-old former Army officer who looks like a French operative who snuck into the Army. Like, couldn’t you see Jack in a beret with a white and black striped shirt on while holding a bag of groceries that has a baguette popping out of it?! Couldn’t you see Jack passive aggressively judging you for everything you’ve ever said and done? Jack’s bio also says he loves playing kickball, which makes me think he’s an undercover French agent even more. Like, he chose the laziest American thing as his favorite. He’s like “Ya I’m totally American! I like kickball and ummm McDonald’s and ahhh BIG BANG THEORY!! Yes! Totally American!”
Jamie
Jamie is a 32-year-old biotech CEO who once showed up at the airport and let the ticketing agent choose his destination. That’s something that women will say they like until you’re in a relationship with them. They’re all about “adventures” and “exploring” until you’re like, “I got a place! Let’s go!” And an hour later they’re a crying mess on the floor surrounded by every shoe they’ve ever owned.
Joe
Joe is a former Division 1 basketball player from Minnesota who is going on a season of The Bachelorette being led by a former Division 1 basketball player from Minnesota. He’s going to go far. His bio also says that he “loves snacks.” Honestly, that would be enough to last a long time on MY season. If a woman got out of the limo and said “Hi! I love snacks.” I’d be like, “That’s about half my life right there. You can head this way toward my hometowns. Wait, you Jewish? Ya? Do you open a bag of SkinnyPop, say you’ll have a couple handfuls, and then an hour later you’re next to an empty bag and some Reese’s because you gotta have something sweet to finish it off?! Ya?! Ok, head to the fantasy suite because I’m already half hard.”
JoMarri
JoMarri is a personal trainer. His bio says that he eats an entire watermelon every morning. This is how you know JoMarri isn’t a great personal trainer. This is how people eat when they consider food to be “fuel” and they have no understanding that food is emotional for people. They’re like, “You can eat a whole watermelon and it’s less calories than a bag of Doritos.” And you’re like, “Ya, well Doritos make me happy in a way no human has ever achieved and I can’t give that up.” And they’re like, “What about chewing 17 times before your next bite?!” And you’re already eating Doritos somehow.
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Leroy
Leroy is a biomedical PhD student. The smart guys like this never last on the show. I think it’s too difficult to live in the mansion with 20 other men who think watching Squid Game is the equivalent to reading a book. Like, I’m sure at some point one of the other guys will be like, “Does anyone know how to spell ‘restaurant?!'” and Leroy will start packing his bags and calling his parents who emigrated from Ghana AND Italy to apologize.
LT
LT looks like someone you’d avoid at a party. He’s a 38-year-old yoga guru from Bellevue, Washington, which means you’d probably be warned about him before a party. Like, I can’t imagine a more insufferable description of a person. Bellevue is the part of Washington with the Lululemon/Sweetgreen/women of a certain age who are always busy but have no job and have never been seen without workout attire on. And LT is their guru! If LT were going to be at a party, I’d be like, “Ok, so LT is a white guy who calls himself a guru. You’re going to want to talk to him for a bit so we can make fun of him after the party but not too long where he’s trying to show you poses and starts talking about chakras. If he mentions a retreat, you’re fucked.”
Martin
Martin is a 29-year-old personal trainer who looks like he dressed up as a villain on The Bachelorette for Halloween. At what point do you shave the line in your eyebrow? Is it before or after you start using the phrase, “issa vibe?” Martin’s bio says he is looking for a mature, health-conscious woman, which is how you know he’s a dick. Who isn’t health conscious?! I’ve never heard a more coded way of saying “No emotional fat chicks.”
Mollique
Mollique is a 36-year-old academic administrator who only wears shirts that match his hair dye. His bio says that he was “raised by women around him” and his favorite author is Nicholas Sparks. Sometimes a guy comes on The Bachelorette and reveals himself to be a liar by going too hard on the “perfect man from a Hallmark movie” verbiage. Raised by women all around him? I don’t even know what that means. Me too. As if I was raised with no women. A whole childhood of professional wrestling, spitting, and farting while eating Slim Jims. The only thing that would’ve made this profile any more of a lie is if it said, “And Mollique believes in paying a woman to go down on her to make up for the gender pay gap!”
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Nayte
Nayte spells his name with a Y. I’m not reading his bio. I don’t care. Imagine someone saying, “It’s Nayte with a Y” and the headache you’d get from trying to figure out where the Y goes in the name. It literally just autocorrected to “Maybe” while I was typing this out. That’s his name now. His name is “Maybe.” As in, “maybe Nayte’s threading artist did a little too much on his eyebrows and now I cant stop staring at them.”
Olumide
Olumide is a 27-year-old IT analyst from Newark, New Jersey who played basketball at Rutgers. He seems nice. His bio says his favorite flower is a cherry blossom, which I can’t believe comes up during these interviews. “Hey! Just a few questions! Is there anything we should know about that could become a national headline and destroy the reputation of the show?! And what’s a flower that reminds you life is a cycle of life and death and that we’re all just a speck on this big ole marble called Earth whenever it blooms in the spring?! And lastly, any fetishes?”
Pardeep
Pardeep is a 30-year-old neuroscientist from Brooklyn. This is the first Indian man I’ve seen on the show. I texted my friend and fellow comedian, Nimesh Patel, to congratulate him and his family. Here’s the exchange:
Me: Congratulations!
Nimesh: Huh?
Me: Indian guy on The Bachelorette! Tell your family it was all worth it!
Nimesh: He’s going to get out of the limo, say “Have a nice season!” Then he’ll get back into the limo and drive directly to his parents house where they’ll be waiting with his future wife named Krupti.
Peter
Peter looks like he’s auditioning to play Roger Klotz in the live-action adaptation of the animated series, Doug. Peter is described as a “Pizzapreneur” which is another way of saying he owns a pizza shop. Everyone watched a couple episodes of Shark Tank and now they’re all CEOs. Peter probably talks about synergy and his idea for a pizza app that’s strangely similar to the one Dominos already created. I’m sorry, Peter. You don’t have a “portfolio of pizza-related endeavors.” You stand behind a counter and loudly say “WHAT’LL YOU BE HAVING BUDDY?” to a drunk college kid who just audibly burped.
PJ
PJ looks like he’s about to sing a 90s R&B song that’ll make you remember not getting asked to dance in middle school. No? Just me? Ok. PJ is actually a firefighter. Imagine this guy saving you from a fire. I’d be like, “Did you just come from the hard bodies firefighter calendar photo shoot?! Hold me closer to your dangly earring!”
Rick
Rick looks like he goes from town to town explaining cryptocurrency to unsuspecting women. Rick’s bio says he’s the “type of guy who will send you flowers at work for no reason but to say, ‘I love you.’” Can we at least get an ex to corroborate such a claim? This is one of those things he’s done once in his life and he’s been riding it as a personality point ever since. It’s like when someone tells you they “lived in Florence.” You went on study abroad. It was more than a decade ago. You didn’t even take an Italian class. It’s time for a new memory. Take a week off of work and go on a hike so we can stop hearing about how you “never liked red wine until living in Italy.”
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Rodney
Rodney is a 29-year-old sales rep from Rancho Cucamonga, California who says he’s “terrified of being catfished.” This picture literally looks like he could be 5 or 7 feet tall with no in-between. It’s always the people who shouldn’t be judgmental who are the most worried about catfishing. They’ll be like, “Ugh all these ugly people on the apps with their fake heights and pictures from ten years ago! Ok, gotta go! I have my monthly appointment to get the lumps on my shoulders, face, and balls drained!!”
Romeo
Romeo is a Harvard graduate and a mathematician from New York City. So he’s a catch and someone I’d have so many questions for: What does a mathematician do?! Is the Pythagorean theorem a big part of your life?! Should I mute the TV every time you come on the screen because of all the horrible math puns?! Will you combine Romeo and Juliet with math to make some sort of awful super pun that will make me immediately throw up?!
But more importantly, Romeo’s 32 and his bio says that he “wants to go to Burning Man one day.” One day?! Your 32. It’s over man. My dreams include good chairs at bars and finding the right pillow position to get to sleep the fastest. If my 32-year-old significant other said to me, “I’d like to go to Burning Man one day,” I’d say “Cool! Have fun with your future husband!”
Ryan
Ryan is a 30-year-old environmental consultant who weirdly looks like a hamster that made a wish to be human. Ryan’s bio says that his family has a raisin ranch. Sometimes I’ll read something like that and realize how little I know. Raisins come from a ranch?! I thought they were the doodies of grapes. That means there’s a leathery-looking cowboy who talks about long days on THE RAISIN RANCH as if he’s tough. I want to go to the ranch. I want to wrangle a heard of Raisinets. I want to use a rope to hog-tie a raisin that got a little bit too wild. And if Ryan doesn’t say “Welcome to the raisin ranch” when a girl holds his balls, he’s a complete waste.
Spencer
Spencer is a 25-year-old financial crimes analyst from Cleveland who seems nice enough, but the real story here is the commitment the men on The Bachelorette have made to the turtleneck over the last few seasons. I literally only see it on The Bachelorette. Never at a bar. Never out in the daylight. Just this show. All of these men decided one day they were all going to jointly look like the head of a penis. Good for them. I just don’t have the body type. I’m a short torso, wide-shouldered man. I’d look a penis that just went into a cold ocean.
Will
Will is a 28-year-old academic interventionist from Grand Rapids who who looks like a child doodled on his head with markers to make his hair. Will went with multiple chains over his turtleneck as if he’s going to a Halloween party dressed as Mr. T’s penis. Will’s bio says that he describes himself as classy, swaggy, and sharp. I’ve never related to someone less. I refer to myself as gassy, judgy, and hungry.
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin (32)
Six months ago, we watched as Pilot Pete’s tragic season of The Bachelor came to an end, and hoped that a brighter day might be just around the corner. We no longer had to watch Peter be the least decisive man in America every Monday night, Hannah Ann and Madi were free to live their best influencer lives, and Clare Crawley was ready to get things in Bachelor Nation back on track. Then… Well, you know what happened after that, and here we are in October still waiting for Clare’s season to premiere.
That fateful premiere night is now less than two weeks away, and ABC finally gave us something real to talk about this week, when they released the official contestant bios for the men who will be competing for Clare’s heart (and probably Tayshia’s heart too, TBA). I will say that this year, ABC made the men slightly more difficult for us to roast, but nevertheless, we persist. As always, we’re breaking down the contestants on the season, so you can fill out your brackets and speculate what the f*ck will actually happen on this historic season.
AJ
28, Software Salesman, Playa Del Rey, CA
We’re starting off this group of Instagram model hopefuls with someone who, dare I say, looks normal?? Has ABC actually learned to stop casting a bunch of male models (but why male models) and trying to convince us they are actually here for love? I do feel like AJ is going a bit far in the other direction, basically admitting he has a thing for cougars: “AJ certainly does not steer toward younger women and is very excited to pursue a woman like Clare”. Ironically, though, he has a fear of tigers, which means he’ll never binge Tiger King with you.
Ben
29, Army Ranger Veteran, Venice, CA
Ben is a “sweet midwestern guy” who looks like he would be anything but sweet when he gets cut off at the bar. Ben is giving me slight Chad Johnson vibes since his favorite indulgence is an ice bath, as in, the thing athletes do after a workout to recoup. That’s your indulgence? Mine is ice cream, but close, I guess. He also once flew across the country to see a girl he’d never met in person before… wait a minute. Ben, you can’t count what you’re going to do on the show towards your bio! I’m actually kind of concerned that he’s done that before.
Bennett
36, Wealth Management Consultant, NYC
If you don’t offer to split the bill on your first date with Bennett, he will be contacting his attorney and send you an invoice. I’m guessing that Bennett was a fat kid growing up, because his bio alludes to him growing into himself and says he hasn’t always been “this successful and good looking.” One of his hobbies is walking the High Line in “his favorite Belgian loafers”, which just continues to fuel the “do you know who my dad is” vibes I’m picking up on.
Blake Monar
31, Male Grooming Specialist, Phoenix, AZ
Move over, initials, because we’re getting full last names with these guys! We have not one, but two Blake M’s, so I can’t wait to see how this will play out on camera. Our first Blake M is an athlete who was forced into retirement due to a debilitating injury, which I’m sure casting ate up. I really couldn’t find anything wrong with this Blake until I got to this sentence: “Blake’s dream woman is incredibly secure in herself and has done the work to become the best version of them possible.” I just feel like the type of guy who says this is the type of guy who will call you crazy when you call him out for talking to other women…
Blake Moynes
29, Wildlife Manager, Hamilton, ON
Other Blake M. seems super outdoorsy, and is from Canada, which is a huge plus right now. But I’m getting some red flags because Blake all but says that he’s only looking to settle down because all his friends are wifed up and now he has nobody to hang out with. That’s something you admit after six weeks of dating when you won’t bring her around to meet your family, Blake! You don’t lead with that!!
Brandon
28, Real Estate Agent, Cleveland, OH
Ok, now we’ve reached the male model coalition. Brandon hates “Debbie Downers” and never wants to see the girl he’s dating cry. Brandon definitely has “good vibes only” on his dating app profile and will hold you to that. I hate him with pretty much every fiber of my being.
Brendan
30, Commercial Roofer, Milford, MA
Brendan, whose eyes are boring through to my soul, is “all about that initial attraction when meeting a woman.” In other news… he’s a straight guy. Groundbreaking. His high school friends call him “BMoney” which means that nobody has ever called him BMoney and he has been trying to force that nickname since the tenth grade. Stop trying to make BMoney happen!
Chasen
31, IT Account Executive, San Diego, CA
And here I thought Chasen is a fake name only used in memes to satirize millennials! Chasen’s nickname is “Wolverine” because he recovers and heals quickly, and not at all because he will cut you. He also “loves women who take pride in staying fit,” so god forbid you eat a granola bar in his presence.
Chris
27, Landscape Design Salesman, Salt Lake City, UT
Chris’s goal is to travel to 200 countries and still has 180 to go, which is like me saying my life aspiration is to become a millionaire with my $200 in my bank account. I can’t fault the guy for dreaming big, at least!
Dale
31, Former Pro Football Wide Receiver, Brandon, SD
I mean, what do I say about Dale that isn’t a spoiler? He’s so hot I could die, he loves Oprah, he’s an ambassador for the Special Olympics… I’m beginning to think Dale is not actually a real person, but rather, a simulation of every woman’s masturbation fantasy. The only real con is that he’s from South Dakota.
Demar
26, Spin Cycling Instructor, Scottsdale, AZ
Demar is “diligently on the hunt” for his wife at only 26 years old, but his dream is to be a DJ on the Las Vegas Strip. The fact that he can’t understand why those two goals are mutually exclusive is probably why he’s still single.
Eazy
29, Sports Marketing Agent, Newport Beach, CA
Diggy was one thing—can you imagine going to your dad like, “Dad, this is my fiancé, Eazy.” Another footballer, Eazy has “dreams of world domination”. Weird flex, but okay. If you want to be the Pinky to his The Brain, then he’s the guy for you.
Ed
36, Health Care Salesman, Miami, FL
In true Miami fashion, Ed is “looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” I’m sorry, but guys who say this are just f*cking dumb. They think Kim Kardashian’s everyday contour is a “natural” look and don’t even know that eyelash extensions are a thing. Ed would be shocked to find out how many women in New York City have subtle lip injections.
Garin
34, Professor of Journalism, North Hollywood, CA
Garin sounds extremely fun, but not at all ready to be in anything resembling a serious relationship. Case in point: he admits he loves being the center of attention, spends his free time DJing, and likes being the source of energy for the night. My “here for the wrong reasons” radar is going off, but at least he’ll be fun on Paradise. HMU if you want to take shots, G.
Ivan
28, Aeronautical Engineer, Dallas, TX
Ivan is a “recovered Crocs enthusiast”, proving that beauty does not equal brains. Ya hate to see it. He says “intelligence is a huge aphrodisiac” to him, so hopefully he’s not the kind of person who makes being a “sapiosexual” a huge part of his personality. Does anyone outwardly admit they prefer dumb people?
Jason
31, Former Pro Football Lineman, Arlington, VA
Jason likes to drink coffee in bed, meaning he lives on the edge. Then again, he likes to spend his time visiting Arlington monuments, so he’s kind of like my dad. The man has got range!
Jay
29, Fitness Director, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Jay, The Bachelorette’s own Tom Haverford, says “every song Drake puts out is a banger.” Of all the things you would want to communicate about your personality, why put that? No word on if Jay also calls eggs “pre-birds” or “future birds”, but I’m standing by and will update this piece if necessary
Jeremy
40, Banker, Washington, DC
Jeremy looks exactly like what I would expect a 40-year-old banker living in DC to look like. He says his love language is “witty banter”, which means he also probably thinks he’s not an asshole, he’s just sarcastic and honest, and he loves having fun. He also says he hates Instagram models, both male and female, which is just what every aspiring Instagram model would want you to think.
Joe
36, Anesthesiologist, NYC
Joe is a COVID-19 survivor, so I am going to try to limit my roasting. I’ll say this: his favorite childhood game is Scrabble, which paints a picture of a pretty bleak childhood. What, no Sorry? No Trouble? No Candyland? You played an educational vocabulary game for fun??
Jordan C
26, Software Account Executive, NYC
I really respect Jordan C walking out of the set of Hitch and right onto The Bachelorette, with his open shirt, chain necklace, and thin-framed glasses. Jordan “dreams of owning a dog named Maverick” which is not really a difficult dream to achieve, even in NYC. Everyone I know has a dog. You can do it, man!
Jordan M
30, Cyber Security Engineer, Santa Monica, CA
Jordan M is 6’8”, which should allow him to coast through the first few weeks unscathed. He likes staying active and hiking (yawn), but also participates in hacking competitions in his spare time. I can’t decide whether that’s hot or scary, but if he really wants to impress us, he should like, hack into ABC’s computers and rig the season to his benefit. (Or I can think of another thing he could hack…) His favorite Sunday activity is cleaning, which means if Clare doesn’t pick him (she doesn’t), the women of Instagram will snap him up in a heartbeat.
Kenny
39, Boy Band Manager, Chicago, IL
Kenny manages boy band cover bands for a living (yes, really), and his bio contains not one, not two, but THREE NSYNC puns. Remember, Kenny manages cover bands, so he has nothing to do with the actual NSYNC. Kenny is looking for a woman who is “not controlling, fake or wrongly opinionated,” which means he’s got a healthy track record. Yikes! Big Luke P vibes. Kenny also hates cheese and thinks the ideal time for a date is Sunday morning, so he already has three big strikes against him. Hopefully, Clare eliminates this psychopath immediately.
Mike
38, Digital Media Advisor, Calgary, Alberta
Mike is extremely Canadian: he loves skiing and ice hockey, he’s a member of a Shania Twain fan club, and he also claims to be very nice. Honestly, that all sounds pretty delightful (minus the skiing), but Mike has to go and ruin it by saying that if he could live in any time period, “he would live during the Jurassic years so he could roam through life with the dinosaurs.” This is like, the worst possible answer to this question, though I guess I respect the creativity because I’ve never heard that terrible response before.
Page
37, Chef, Austin, TX
Assuming Clare doesn’t end up choosing Page, I’d like to throw my hat in the ring. He’s apparently an accomplished chef and “cannot relate to people woh like football”. Same. The one thing that makes me nervous is that he “loves to hang out with his buddies and debate social and political issues.” It’s too soon to know, but let’s hope that doesn’t skew into Garrett territory.
Riley
30, Attorney, Long Island City, NY
It feels weird to specify that Riley lives in Long Island City when everyone else just gets to say NYC, but maybe he just has a chip on his shoulder about not being able to afford Manhattan rent (same). His bio talks about “the grind” of working as a medical malpractice attorney—not exactly the profession I think of when I think of “the grind”, but sure. Riley loves baseball, but he f*cking hates museums, with his bio saying “please don’t ask him to go to a museum with you because that’s not going to happen.” Who hurt you?
Robby
31, Insurance Broker, Tampa, FL
I know in my heart that this man is not Robby Hayes, but I still feel like he could be Robby Hayes. Have we not been through enough in 2020? This Robby played college baseball at FSU before moving home to work for the family insurance company. He now “splits his time between Tampa and Los Angeles,” so he’s primed and ready for his career as an influencer to take off. Robby is looking for a woman who “has a sweet personality and won’t mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course,” because this is still 1950, apparently.
Tyler C
27, Lawyer, Morgantown, WV
I have to say, I feel like being a Tyler C at this point in the Bachelorette timeline is a big disadvantage. Our beloved Tyler Cameron left some really big abs to fill, and I just don’t see this self-described “Matthew McConaughey stan” from West Virginia living up to his legacy. His bio says that growing up, he “rarely left his bubble and wasn’t very social,” so honestly, he might actually be thriving this year. But this bargain bin Tyler C really loses me when he’s described as “a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and cowboy by night,” which sounds like the plot of a new NBC drama that will get canceled after three episodes. Tyler just “needs a cowgirl to ride off into the sunset with,” and I need a f*cking drink.
Tyler S
36, Music Manager, Georgetown, TX
Moving on from Tyler Cameron’s shadow, we have Tyler S, who is finally putting himself first after years of managing his brother’s music career. His brother, Granger Smith, is a country singer with over a million monthly listeners on Spotify, so it’s not surprising at all that he’s actually performed on an episode of The Bachelorette before. Tyler is a big family guy—his bio contains the word “mama” twice—and his stipulation for a partner is that she should be “willing to adopt his family as their own.” Is this a family or a cult?
Yosef
30, Medical Device Salesman, Daphne, AL
Yosef’s reason for coming on the show boils down to bitterness, and I’m loving his energy. Basically, he got married at 24 and had a daughter, but the marriage didn’t last. His ex-wife got remarried in February, and “while he is happy for her, he says now it’s his turn to find love.” This is the biggest f*ck you move ever, and I love the unabashed pettiness. Yosef’s fun facts are a wild ride, ranging from the fact that he “loved his Velcro sneakers” as a kid (join the club), to the fact that he “was once catfished on a dating app” (again, join the club). Why do I feel like his entire personality will be his divorce?
Zac C
36, Addiction Specialist, Haddonfield, NJ
I can’t help but feeling that Zac C looks like he’s trying to sell me something, and that something is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. It’s just something in the eyes, I think. He is a proud sneakerhead, which I find a little hard to believe given that dad polo. He also “prefers to keep it old school and gets his news from reading the morning paper”, which sounds a lot more like it.
Zach J
37, Cleaning Service Owner, St. George, UT
There had to be at least one stalker in the cast, and Zach J proudly admits that he’s had a “major crush” on Clare since Juan Pablo’s season. He’s adamant that he’s “only here because he believes Clare is the perfect woman for him,” so I have a feeling things could get rough for him after a couple episodes, depending on how the spoilers pan out. Zach is also “obsessed with gum and Chapstick,” but “HATES jazz music.” I’m just picturing this guy furiously snapping his gum and applying lip balm while stealing Clare away from all the other guys, and the producers troll him with jazz music scoring. Can’t wait.
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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (32)
I remember it like it was yesterday. Back in March, when life still had meaning and we all still had plans, ABC gave us the first sneak peek of Clare Crawley’s Bachelorette contestants. That day (which happened to be my first day of coronavirus WFH), I roasted these men for their ages, their outfits, and in Matt James’ case, for being Bachelor Nation’s equivalent of a nepotism hire. I eagerly anticipated the start of filming and the spoilers that would inevitably begin rolling in before long.
I don’t think I need to explain what happened to the world after that, but obviously Clare’s season did not start filming in March. But 84 years four months later, even as the universe continues to crumble around us, it’s finally Clare’s time. Filming will commence this month, with the entirety of production happening in a bubble at the La Quinta Resort & Club in Palm Springs. The resort, which is still closed to the public, boasts a confusingly large number of swimming pools (41), so they could literally have every single date by a different pool. Worry not, this season will be fine.
Today, we got our long-awaited first (second?) look at Clare’s actual, final batch of contestants, and so once again, we must unpack. First of all, there are a lot of dudes—42, to be exact. This is obviously way too many (they can’t even all have their own swimming pool!), but production actually cast extra guys for the season in case anyone tests positive for coronavirus before filming starts. Usually, prospective cast members just have to worry about testing positive for STDs. So many fun things to think about in 2020. Also, I imagine at least one of these guys will get cut before night one when his shady past resurfaces.
Some of the guys have stuck around since the first round of casting, which must mean they really like Clare, or they REALLY want more Instagram followers. Either way, I appreciate the dedication. But obviously, a lot has changed in the last four months, and there are many new faces competing for Clare’s heart. Most importantly, it looks like ABC actually tried to fix the age issue. In Clare’s OG group of contestants, more than 70 percent of the men were in their 20s, which seemed like an odd strategy for a 39-year-old Bachelorette. In the new group, only 16 out of 42 guys are in their 20s, which is less than 40 percent. Clare can still go for a younger guy if she wants to, but she won’t have to default to guys she could have babysat growing up.
The age shift means that our previous youngest contestant, 23-year-old finance bro in training James C, is no longer in the mix. Too bad, maybe he can try again in a year (or five). Now, Clare’s youngest option is 25-year-old Noah from Tulsa. While Noah is perhaps a bit young, and his watch is perhaps a bit big, he is VERY cute. I could see him doing well, but it all depends if Clare likes her guys on the younger side.
And on the opposite end of the spectrum, Clare’s oldest contestant is 40-year-old Jeremy. He’s the only contestant in his 40s, which still seems like a weird choice, but whatever. Jeremy is from Virginia Beach, so I’m curious if he’s had any encounters with the infamous Virginia Beach Husband Stealer, Victoria F. If there’s any hope left for 2020, I really need Jeremy to address this on night one. Also, does he sort of look like Arie, or do I need to get outside more?
My favorite thing about this cast announcement is that, likely due to quarantine, the DMV photo vibe is GONE. Instead, we have gorg headshots, most of which were taken outside or in front of actual walls that don’t look like Walmart photo studio backdrops. Sure, some of them should’ve found better lighting (Karl and Chris, looking at you), but overall these pictures are soooo much better.
Still, I have to give an award for Worst Photo, and it’s really not even close. Kenny from Illinois, this one is all you.
Kenny, what is this photo?? It looks like he just got done with an at-home CrossFit class and remembered he had to send the Bachelorette producers a headshot, and then he took that headshot at his local dive bar. The tank top, the shiny face, the wood paneling in the background… nothing about this is good.
My award for Boldest Name goes to none other than… Tyler C.
Yes, that’s really what he’s going with. Like, yes, I know this is his real name, but if I were him, I might have chosen to go with a middle name or something. No matter how hard this poor guy tries, he will always be Tyler C number two in the Bachelor universe. He’s doing himself a disservice!
In terms of my current frontrunner, I have to go with Dale, a holdover from the initial round of contestants. This is SUCH a good photo, if Clare doesn’t want him, I will gladly accept any DMs from him.
Who knows how this season will turn out, but at least it’s actually happening. The season will most likely start airing in September, but I’ll be interested to see if we still get the usual spoilers with production happening in a closed bubble. I hope so, because I desperately need something to get me through the rest of the summer. Best of luck Clare, hope all your dreams come true!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; The Bachelorette / Facebook
I’ve said it before, but right now I need to say it more than ever: The Bachelorette/Bachelor producers are working harder than the US Congress, Kris Jenner, and the devil himself. Not 12 hours ago, we were watching Pilot Pete be eviscerated live on stage by Hannah Ann and his own mother, in what really might have been the most dramatic finale ever. But ABC is not done yet! Peter’s season is not even cold in its grave yet, but it’s officially Clare Crawley’s time to shine. This morning, we got our first look at Clare’s contestants on The Bachelorette, and though we are all so very tired, we must persevere.
As they’ve done for the last few seasons, ABC chose to use Facebook to reveal the contestants, so no, you can’t delete your Facebook account yet. Don’t get too excited yet, because these aren’t the official cast bios. Those will come later, and obviously we’ll roast them when they do. These are just the Walmart photo studios headshots they make the contestants take when they show up for filming, and all we get is name, age, and hometown. Internet, do your thing and suss out any of these guys who may be problematic.
Even without the full bios for Clare’s contestants, there is still plenty of material to work with, so let’s dive right in.
Looking through the dudes, there’s one huge elephant in the room, so let’s just talk about it. See this man? This is Matt J, from New York City. As in, Matt James. As in, Tyler Cameron’s best friend and roommate, Matt James from New York City. Honestly, I think the producers are just trolling us at this point. Is he here for the right reasons? Probably not, but I kind of love that this show is shameless enough to cast him. Maybe he’ll be the Bachelor next year, and Tyler can come back as his advisor? Hopefully that’s allowed in Tyler’s Barkitecture contract!
Okay, I know I said there was one huge elephant in the room, but I think there are actually two. Sure, ABC casting Matt James is fun and messy, but I have some more serious concerns when it comes to the ages of the contestants. Last week, after Clare (who is 38) was chosen as the lead, Reality Steve reported that the season was being partially recast to include more age-appropriate contestants. One guy who was allegedly let go for being 25 even posted a ridiculous message on Instagram! It seemed like ABC was committed to giving Clare a decent selection of men she might actually want to date… but that didn’t really happen.
Out of 32 contestants, 23 of them are in their twenties. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating younger guys, but right off the bat, more than 70% of Clare’s choices are basically a decade younger than her, if not more. Unless she told the producers she prefers younger guys, I feel like this is a big mistake. To make matters worse, only TWO of the men are Clare’s age or older, and I really just don’t understand. While Bret E is a seriously hunky 42-year-old, he’ll be competing for Clare’s heart along with this 23-YEAR-OLD CHILD:
This is James C, and though he’s from Chicago, I know exactly who this man is in New York City. He hangs out exclusively in Murray Hill, where he is constantly trying to impress women by making his entry-level finance job sound more important than it is. He still thinks Saturdays are for the boys, and is almost definitely averse to performing oral sex. I can’t speak for Clare, but I feel like I’m too mature for James C, and I’m only one year older than him. ABC, what is you doin’???
Aside from the obvious age issues, it’s hard to say too much about these guys, because I don’t really want to just critique their looks. Well, I want to, but my editor has told me that’s not cool, so we’ll wait for the bios to properly make fun of them for their fake job titles and ridiculous fun facts. But I just have to point out this man, who looks exactly like Jed Wyatt. Like, did Jed change his name to Anthony and move to California? Wait, actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if Jed went into witness protection after last season—can someone look into this? But yeah, I’ll be calling this man Jed Jr., and I don’t want to hear any protests.
Okay one more thing about Jed Jr. Why is his watch so big??? He probably can’t even tell time, he just looks at the watch and shouts things like “it’s time to get lit!” Ugh. I don’t trust men who wear watches like this, and I hope Clare will notice this and immediately send him packing.
With the photos of Clare’s contestants being released, it means the men have all arrived for filming, and Clare’s season will probably start taping this week. It’s only a matter of time before the spoilers start rolling in or someone inevitably gets Me Too’d, and personally, I can’t wait. I gotta say, this batch of half-baked men doesn’t make me confident that Clare Crawley’s fifth time on a Bachelor will be the charm, but who knows, maybe she’ll surprise us? Bless this mess.
Images: ABC/Paul Hebert; The Bachelorette / Facebook
