Hello, all my cool cats and kittens! Welcome back to another wild week of The Bachelorette! I know anxiety is at an all-time high right now as we wait to see if our democracy will crumble beneath a very orange man’s feet, BUT I appreciate you all mustering up the energy to watch Clare doodle Dale’s name in her diary for one more week. We’re all in this together.
Speaking of Clare, last week’s episode ended with Clare straight-up refusing to hand out a group date rose like I’ve been straight-up refusing to wear a bra to my Zoom meetings. Her reasoning for this was that her connection with Dale is more intimate than the ones she has with the other men in the house and she didn’t want to give out a rose if she didn’t mean it. Honestly, I believe her. I’ve seen her smell Dale’s jockstrap like it was a pumpkin spice Yankee candle at a fall holiday sale. If that’s not evidence of delusion love then I don’t know what is!!
Clare ditched the group date early to go snuggle up to more of Dale’s dirty laundry leaving the men to begin planning their hostile takeover.
THE MEN AFTER LAST WEEK’S EPISODE:
Which brings us to this week: Chris Harrison pops by Clare’s suite to casually ask her wtf she thinks she’s doing. He says the men aren’t happy and that’s a really nice way of saying that they’ve constructed Clare and Dale voodoo dolls out of the hotel’s complimentary soap and stolen hair follicles from Dale’s razor.
I am completely enraptured by Clare trying to explain her connection with Dale. She’s like, “he’s everything I ever wanted in a man!”and, to be fair, she did describe a stock photo of a human man at the beginning of the season when Chris asked, and Dale is a stock photography model. She asked, ABC delivered!
Chris starts grilling Clare about if the two of them had a relationship pre-production. Clare says she never met Dale in real life, she just stalked him on Instagram before the show, and that is the most 2020 thing I’ve ever heard.
CLARE: So, I think I need to halt with production and pursue the guy who posted a shirtless selfie on Mother’s Day.
CHRIS HARRISON: Congratulations, we are so happy for you!
ALSO CHRIS HARRISON:
I think my favorite part about Clare revealing her feelings for Dale is that Chris is going to have to actually earn his paycheck for once. Not only does he have to plan a romantic evening (and potentially a proposal!), but he has to face a mob of angry men in skinny jeans. I feel for his predicament, I really do.
Chris tells the guys there won’t be a rose ceremony tonight—there might not be a rose ceremony for the rest of the season—and the look of absolute horror and despair on the faces of these men as they watch their future Instagram sponcon deals go up in flames will sustain my life force for years to come.
Chris pulls Dale aside and tells him that the final rose is his if he wants it, and I can’t tell if he’s alarmed or not. I feel like maybe she should have had this discussion with Dale before canceling the rose ceremony, but maybe that’s just me.
Alone At Last: Clare & Dale Go On A Date
Clare is here to remind us that she’s a rule breaker and she’s wearing that red dress of sin to prove it. Meanwhile, Dale walks out in looking fresh as hell in that black suit, and my breathing just audibly hitched. I’m starting to get why Clare was willing to break contract and risk ABC’s wrath. Damn, that man is fine. I mean, let’s be honest, I’ve blown up my life on numerous occasions for men whose idea of romance starts with showing me “the views” from their rooftop and ends with them asking for a BJ on said rooftop. So, like, you do you, boo boo.
Okay, hold up. They haven’t even had a one-on-one date yet?! I just assumed they had, but I guess the two hours she held him hostage on the last group date didn’t count.
We find out that they have more in common than just a desire to see each other naked, their parents were both hitchhikers! This feels like grasping at straws, but I’ll let them have it, I suppose.
It’s fascinating to watch the two of them try to describe their connection because they truly can’t. They keep talking about each other’s auras and how they “feel so much” for each other but then cannot describe one single quality they like about each other. I’ve seen girls waiting in line for the bathroom who have more in common with each other than these two.
CLARE: When I go to bed I think about you
Clare, please, we don’t need to hear any more about your sexual proclivities! We already heard all about your kink for using Dale’s pants as a pillowcase. Enough.
Oh my god is that… Bri and Chris from Listen To Your Heart?! At first I was like “who the f*ck are these people?” and then that scarf blew in the wind and I knew. So, I guess their careers are really taking off now. Imagine if ABC promised you a record deal and a cross-country tour and then this is the biggest audience they’ve played for since March. How very bleak.
Enamored with each other, Dale and Clare take their horny asses back to Clare’s room. Are they going to bang?! Just like that?! This isn’t even a Fantasy Suites date! Chris is going to spontaneously combust from all the rule breaking, I swear.
Cut to the next morning and Clare’s dress is on the floor, which I guess is supposed to mean that the two did, in fact, bang. I mean, at least it looks like it was a good lay? Dale’s got lipstick all over his face and Clare’s fake lashes are all askew. If that’s not evidence of a wild night of missionary with the lights left on, then I don’t know what is!!
Lmao these dogs waiting for their hoe mom to come home. My dog has never felt more seen.
At this point, Clare’s dogs deserve a happy ending #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/9KbF6DftRX
— 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets) November 6, 2020
Dale says he didn’t expect for things to happen this quickly. He was only expecting an over-the-pants handie, not full-blown intercourse. You and me both, buddy!
Chris Harrison checks back in with Clare and I’m just glad she finally changed out of that silk robe. I was worried she was going to spend the whole day posted up like the Wife of Bath, smoking after-sex cigarettes and looking longingly at Dale’s Instagram feed. She starts recapping the night for Chris and you can tell he’s skeptical at Clare’s recollection of events. He’s like, “did he say he loves you or did he just post a heart emoji on Instagram?” The distinction is important, Clare!
Okay, I feel like they are assuming A LOT in this conversation. Namely, that Dale is ready to propose. Like, has anyone told Dale that the next stop on this crazy train is a proposal? Cause I’m pretty sure he thought this was like a Cassie/Colton situation where they could just sleep together and leave the show with loose labels for each other.
The Group Date
The group date for this week is just going to be one massive dumping of all the men. I guess not for all the SkinnyGirl margaritas in the world could Chris Harrison be bribed to face this crowd one more time, so Clare has to put on her big girl panties and do it herself. I’m positively giddy with excitement.
Clare tells the men that she’s running off to be with Dale, and this proclamation is met with dead silence. It’s like that moment in Bring It On where Torrance drops the Spirit Stick: dead silence and then strangled sobs of abject horror.
ME, WHISPERING TO MY DOG: run, bitch!
For the most part the men seem pissed but accepting of her decision. They ask if she had a relationship with Dale before the show and she denies it. I can tell they want to be angrier with her, but know they don’t have a real leg to stand on here. She says it was love at first sight, she supposedly played by all the rules, so how can they fault her? Then Kenny the “boy band” manager (and I’m using air quotes here because managing talent best known for their performance at the local bowling alley in Kenny’s hometown does not a boy band manager make!) starts demanding apologies from Clare and it’s like, okay, I can’t take not one more white guy asking for an apology this year. I know it’s kind of sh*tty, but she made her decision and that’s it. I’m tired of women having to defend not wanting to spend time with men. She doesn’t owe you ANYTHING, Kenny, especially not her time or her emotions.
Blake is also upset at this turn of events. He says that he’s just disappointed that he invested so much time into his relationship with Clare and it’s like, you put your life on hold for three weeks, sweetie. Come on. I’ve seen your Instagram, Blake, you’ve taken longer vacations to Tulum.
The Proposal
For those of you who didn’t come into this recap having actually watched the episode: Yes, you read that right. THE PROPOSAL. We are getting a full-on final rose ceremony even if it kills Chris Harrison (and by the looks of his rapidly graying temples, it just might!).
The cameras pan to an isolated Dale, who is contemplating if the sex was worth all of this. Honestly, I’m not sure, bud. Chris Harrison sits down with Dale to tell him that Neil Lane is on speed dial, ready to air lift some of his last-season diamonds onto the La Quinta property any minute now. On another unrelated note, he asks Dale to blink once if this is a hostage situation. Y’all, the look Dale is giving Chris Harrison right now is truly priceless. I can only imagine he gave a similar one when his agent approached him with that Party City deal.
Clare worries Dale might not propose and she should be worried. This is moving pretty fast, even by Bachelor standards. She makes a bold proclamation that she always gets left waiting at the altar and it’s like, um, are we just not going to talk about Winter Games ever? Her French Canadian lover proposed to her on “After the Final Rose” so, like, Clare you’re lying. ABC, roll the tapes!
Clare shows up to the final rose ceremony and I’m suspicious of her dress choice. Why is it white? Is she about to throw in a surprise wedding ceremony too?
Okay, why is Chris Harrison walking towards Clare and not Dale?! The closer Chris gets to Clare the more she looks like she’s about to have a 2007 Britney-level meltdown in front of the cameras. She’s like, “are you here to devastate me??” and Chris just cackles.
CLARE RN:
Okay, that was so cruel of him. You know that was payback for making him have to lift one additional finger and I feel like that’s only the start of his revenge plan.
Oh god, Dale came! And he doesn’t even look lost or anything! This is a good sign, Clare.
CLARE: From the moment I met you, you were everything I ever wanted in a man. You’re strong, you’re kind, your Instagram is fire—
DALE: What?
CLARE: What?
Smooth, Clare. Real smooth.
Dale’s up next and it sounds very much like he’s going to propose and this is so f*cking wild, y’all. They are strangers! Like, what! Is! Happening! What’s more wild is that after Dale gets down on one knee, Clare thanks him for showing up to the rose ceremony. I’m DEAD. The bar is so low here. Girl.
Dale proposes, Clare says yes, and before they even get to pop a bottle of champagne ABC is already hauling out Tayshia from behind a bush, ready to shove her into a cocktail party with Clare’s sloppy seconds. I guess that’s all the happy ending they’re willing to film for the contestant who committed Bachelor treason. Ever happiness to you both, though!
The Rose Ceremony
Yes, for those of you who didn’t watch the episode, A ROSE CEREMONY. Back at the hotel, the men are still feeling really down. They took off two weeks of their life for Clare! They could have been under strict quarantine at home binge watching Criminal Minds in its entirety and sending “u up?” messages that lead to nowhere to girls in their DMs! Instead she gifted them with a lavish vacation, free alcohol and publicity for whatever brand they’re going to promote on their Instagrams after this, and even threw in a little bit of tongue for a select few. How dare she treat them this way!!
Just as their spirits are truly about to break, Chris Harrison swoops in to tell them to buckle up, bitches, because they have a backup plan and her name is Tayshia. Well, technically, he just says that “someone” will be taking over Clare’s spot as Bachelorette, so for all we know it could be the front desk girl. Chris tells the men they have six hours to forget Clare’s name, get dressed, and get emotionally ready to tell a new woman about how bad their parents’ divorce f*cked them up. Ready, set, break!
Jason, the guy who was forced into an intimate therapy session with Clare, looks ill at the prospect of having to show genuine human emotion to one more woman in his life. Another guy is worried that he won’t be able to “turn off” his feelings for Clare. The fact that I cannot even remember his name means he definitely did not receive enough air time to have even spoken to Clare more than three times, let alone form an “intimate” connection with her. Seriously, who are these guys kidding? Of course they’re staying.
Chris: “Can you get over that lady that you knew for 6 days?” #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/A5R8glpz2o
— Stephanie (@scde_de) November 6, 2020
Well, well, well. It looks like every single man decides to stay! Color me shocked. I guess they’re really focused on finding love followers.
Though the suspense must be killing the men, the episode ends with Tayshia stepping out of the limo and walking into her doom the rose ceremony. We’ll have to wait until next week to see which of the men has one too many spritzers and drunkenly calls Tayshia Clare at the next rose ceremony. Until then!
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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3); @thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @tvgoldtweets /Twitter (1); @dalemoss /Instagram (1);
Welcome to Hell week three of Clare’s season of The Bachelorette! It feels strange that while our democracy is rapidly crumbling beneath our feet and every day our reality comes this much closer to being a plotline from season one of The Handmaid’s Tale, that we should give a sh*t if any of the C-string former professional athletes on this season will be able to tolerate Clare for another group date, but alas, here we are. I’ve always felt like the end of the world would consist of one final rose ceremony, and it’s nice to know I haven’t been proven wrong!
Last week, Clare decided that dates were soooo 2019 and performative therapy sessions were more the vibe for 2020. And you know what? She wasn’t wrong. She spends the majority of the episode trying to coax out some semblance of human feeling from the men, and when that fails, decides to spend the rest of her time breaking CDC guidelines with Dale in a corner.
And that brings us back to the rose ceremony! Yes, we’re still doing the rose ceremony. The men, despite being emasculated several times on national television, still appear to want to spend time with Clare. I’m sure that has everything to do with Clare’s sparkling personality and nothing to do with the bleak quarantine existence waiting for them when they get home. Carry on.
RILEY: You have to show something that she likes for you to get time with her:
ME: Hmm, have you tried holding up a picture of Dale? I hear that works.
While the rest of the men are still playing along for the potential Instagram followers, Yosef has had enough. He confronts Clare about the naked dodgeball game, and it’s clear this isn’t his first rodeo when it comes to verbally accosting women. The funny thing is he’s claiming this meltdown is all about Clare and her “raunchy” humor, but I think it’s more about being asked to put aside his own pride for a woman’s pleasure. Which tracks because I’m pretty sure the only thing Yo Yo has ever done for a woman’s pleasure is to never call her again.
YOSEF: I’ve given up a lot to be here
CLARE: Well, my mom is dying so—
YOSEF: Can I finish?
Yoooooo Yosef is a dead man walking. I can’t believe he just brushed off her dying mom comment and still thinks he has a leg to stand on. He tells Clare that she’s immature and classless and he expected a lot more from someone as old as her, and I’m surprised he hasn’t combusted into flames from the combined channeled hostility of every woman in America watching this right now.
I love that Yosef is like “I love women, I have a daughter” and then calls Clare disgusting for being fine with her sexuality. Look, you didn’t get the humor of the dodgeball date. It’s clear you’re uncomfortable with nudity and I’m sure that has nothing to do with your tiny peen. We get it. So, GO HOME ALREADY. Don’t be on this show.
Thankfully, Clare decides to put us out of our misery and kicks him to the curb. Yosef, the physical embodiment of class, politely accepts his dismissal and goes on his way. LOL KIDDING! Clare tells him he’s out and he proceeds to follow her around the complex hounding her with insults. But I’m sure your daughter is more ashamed of the mild nudity, not watching her father verbally assault another woman.
Clare is visibly upset and is comforted first by Dale, who acts very gentlemanly and gallant that is starts to make up for his ham sandwich personality and that tiny chain he always wears, and secondly by Chris Harrison, who is very much thinking he does not get paid enough for this sh*t.
CLARE: He called me 40!!
CHRIS:
Clare tells us that she’s not up for further conversation, but she is up for eliminating more men from her life, and I get it. Cutting people out of my life is a form of self-care I’ve been practicing since 1992. We all do what we can during these trying times!
Rose ceremony rejects: Blake, Garin, and Tyler S .
So long, boys! I’d say see you in Paradise, but I’m pretty sure BiP is about to consist of a Zoom green screen and BYOB wine coolers.
The Group Date
After the rose ceremony, the men are still reeling from the Clare/Yosef showdown. I get it, boys. It’s hard to process when open displays of toxic masculinity and blatant aggression actually have consequences.
Clare starts the group date off by doodling Dale’s name in her journal no less than 1,000 times. She does realize that her contract requires her to talk to all the men, right? Just as she’s about to start practicing her kissing on one of Dale’s old Party City modeling pics, ABC brings in a little surprise for her: DeAnna Pappas!
We’re told that this “DeAnna” is a former Bachelorette whose season premiered before any of the contestants from this season were born. Wow, this is wild. In her day being on the show for the “wrong reasons” meant you weren’t ready for marriage, today that means you weren’t ready for marriage and you’re trying to get enough Instagram followers to start a podcast. Do we think ABC had to debrief her on what a DM is?
DEANNA IN HER ABC DEBRIEFING MEETING:
CLARE HAS DALE’S PANTS?! And she SMELLS Dale’s pants?! What’s next? Did she replace her essential oils regimen with hearty sniffs from Dale’s jockstrap?
Oh my god, she made the men wait ALL afternoon so she and her friend could take hits of Dale’s pants in her hotel suite? Clare, they left quarantine for this! Clare tells us that she is cancelling the day date portion and she says it like she just thought of it and not like it’s f*cking twilight out when she walked into the room. Nice try, pal.
Okay, Clare and Dale aren’t even trying to pretend like they aren’t already dating. Dale is quick to pull her aside first on the group date and they go from exchanging one-word answers to hardcore nose nuzzling to finding ways to procreate through several layers of clothes.
Are they going to have sex on a group date?? Is this how you carry yourself with elegance, Clare? Hmm? Yo Yo, if you’re watching this, shield your eyes!!
Production allows Eazy to go investigate Clare’s whereabouts but first forces him to listen to at least five minutes of heavy panting before he’s allowed to knock. It’s for the viewers, Eazy, you get it. Oh my god, she’s talking about having to put clothes on and he’s right outside?? I just screamed. Eazy walks in and the scene he takes in is honestly an ABC masterpiece. We’ve got a tipsy Clare trying to smooth her hair over a blossoming hickey, and Dale, who is trying to hide his chub with a strategically placed throw pillow. I mean, honestly, they deserve an Emmy for this.
EAZY: Am I interrupting anything?
CLARE:
I hope they’re getting swabbed after this. For COVID… and other things.
We hear Clare offscreen asking production to hurry the night along so she can get back to her boyfriend Dale, and I bet her producer is wondering if it’s possible to send her home at the next rose ceremony. Come on, girl! It’s only week three! If I managed to find the will to wear a bra for the first six weeks of quarantine Zoom meetings, then you can do this!
Clare spends the rest of the “group” date actively avoiding the group. At one point she even ditches one of her suitors to spend even more time with Dale. Look, it’s one thing to pursue an early connection, it’s another to be sh*tty for no reason. Then again, emotionally eviscerating men is sort of the flex I’m going for in 2020.
Whoa, Clare gives Dale the rose again? It’s like she WANTS there to be a mutiny on her season.
The One-On-One Date
Zach J gets the first one-on-one date of the week but I’m sure Clare will find some way to give Dale this date rose too. I want to be excited for this date, but I know nothing about Zach J except that he’s a “cleaning service owner”. Then again, I don’t think Clare knows much more about him, if that.
We’re told that today’s big adventure will be a spa day, and this makes me extremely sad. I can’t believe that for the entirety of this season we’ll be forced to watch “spa dates” instead of dates that involve creative ways for the contestants to desecrate the cultures of other nations. COVID has truly taken everything from us.
Okay, I feel like she chose this date so she could gab with another person over her feelings for Dale. She’s like “Zach is giving off a weird energy” meanwhile she’s the one talking about someone else the entire time. MAYBE IT’S YOUR ENERGY, CLARE.
Towards the end of the date Clare leans in for a kiss, and you can tell the moment she realizes Dale might consider this cheating because she immediately pulls back. Clare says Zach was the one to pull away and Zach says Clare was the one to pull away, but the only thing I clearly remember from that moment is Zach grabbing her by the neck forcefully and me making shocked eye contact with my dog at his audacity.
Look, I get that he’s frustrated by Clare’s mixed signals, but there’s really no excuse for the way he grabbed her just then. And him storming off in those slippers of his is making it even harder for me to sympathize with his plight. Sorry, Zach, it’s a no from me, dawg.
Clare uses the kiss that wasn’t a kiss as an excuse to get out of going on another date with someone who isn’t Dale. Not only does she refuse to go on the date, but she forces Chris Harrison away from his Skinny Girl Marg to go dump him for her.
ZACH: So, here’s what happened.
CHRIS: Yeah, I don’t need to hear the details, man.
He really doesn’t, Zach! He barely gets paid enough to hear details about Clare.
The Second Group Date
I guess Clare decided to put on her big girl panties today and fulfill the terms of her contract, because not only is she going on the group date, but she didn’t even try to smuggle in Dale! Progress!
For this group date the men are challenged to perform at a live comedy roast, and by “live” they mean in front of the hotel’s cleaning staff and the other half of the men on Clare’s season. So, I guess Dale will be joining us for this group date. Touché, Clare. Touché.
Okay these guys look a little too smug writing out their jokes. I’m worried they think reposting a viral meme without giving proper credit is “comedy.”
Dale quickly becomes the butt of every man’s joke. Their punchline? That Clare… likes him? Oooh, sick burn, boys! Bennett uses his roasting time to enact a smear campaign against Dale, the likes of which have not been seen since his senior year at Harvard when the social chair of his frat forgot the lavender extract for the cocktails at their rush event. You, sir, are on his list!
That “zing” will live in my nightmares.
Wow, Clare got dressed for the cocktail hour and actually wants to talk to the men? Color me surprised. She grabs Bennett first and it’s quickly established that she’s not interested in learning any intimate details about Bennett, she really just wanted to grill him about Dale. To his credit, Bennett does try several times to steer the conversation away from Dale, but to no avail. And Bennett’s not the only one she does this with! Clare grills every single man at the cocktail hour about Dale, and I’m starting to understand her motivation for attending this group date now…
It’s at this point in the episode that the men are realizing that Clare has clearly already picked a winner and there’s no real purpose for them to be on the show anymore. You know, aside from the free vacation, unlimited pool and sun access, the free-flowing alcohol, and promotion of their Instagram handles. But, you know, SHAME ON YOU, CLARE, FOR TORTURING THEM LIKE THIS!!
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More time for daleeeee (credit/permission: @getacluepod) #thebachelorette
Just before the episode ends, we hear Clare talking to a producer and she lets slip the word “fiancé” in reference to Dale. So, is she already engaged?? Or is she just manifesting this engagement energy? If they’re already engaged, then are we even doing here, ABC?
And with that existential question, I’m outtie! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if the men are able to pull of a successful mutiny and secure themselves a new bachelorette or, at the very least, they come up with some sicker burns for Dale. Tbh I’m not hopeful for either. Until then!
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Images: Giphy (4); @thebetchelor /Instagram (2); ABC (1)
Well, Bachelor Nation, I’ve got four words for you: WE. ARE. BACK. BABY!!! It’s been a wild ride since Peter’s season of The Bachelor ended last March. So wild, in fact, that it feels like we could be living in a nightmare hellscape plucked directly out of one of Barb’s revenge fantasies. You know, the ones she reserved for anyone who wouldn’t f*ck her son in the fantasy suites. And don’t get me wrong, the hiatus has been nice! I’ve truly enjoyed spending 12-15 hours of my day binging on my second favorite reality TV show, 90 Day Fiancé, in its entirety. But there’s just something to be said for the soothing voice of Chris Harrison as he passive-aggressively eviscerates the lead’s attraction to a grown man wearing microscopic skinny jeans. God, I’ve missed that man and his thinly veiled disdain that’s fueled by Skinny Girl Margaritas and no-carb diets.
On that note, I’ll be your resident recapper for the season! If you’re wondering what makes me qualified for such an esteemed position, then let’s just say I’ve earned that title through blood, sweat, and tears the deterioration of my liver. I’ve been recapping all things Bachelor for the last three years, and not only has that experience left a permanent stain on my soul (I still break out into a cold sweat anytime I hear a strumming guitar for fear that Jed will manifest out of the aether and try to serenade us with a dog food jingle again), but it’s also left me with a permanently low tolerance for bullsh*t. So, if you have any issues with the recaps, feel free to take it up in your group chat because the comments section is strictly for praise and adoration only. It says so in my contract.
Moving on. We’re told right away that tonight’s episode will only be two soul-sucking hours long, of which I’m sure Clare puns will make up approximately one hour and fifty-eight minutes of the episode. Cheers!
Speaking of our heroine, Clare enters from stage right and I am immediately shocked that she has not aged at least 10 years since her Bachelorette announcement at the start of the pandemic. Like, have they been harvesting her in a cryogenic chamber these last seven months?? Was she being kept in the same facility as Austin Powers before being reanimated to take on Dr. Evil?? That lady is pushing 40 and it appears a global pandemic, the deterioration of our democracy, and a summer of 11pm alcohol sale curfews have had literally no effect on her skin care regimen.
ME AFTER ONE WEEK IN QUARANTINE:
CLARE, CURRENTLY:
Someone make it make sense!!
Clare starts things off by taking us on a journey down memory lane and I actually did forgot just how extensive Clare’s Bachelor resume truly is. She’s like: “my journey ended so horribly wrong every time and yet somehow exactly as the producers intended.” Yes, it is curious, isn’t it Clare?
WHAT. SHE IS SO OLD HER MOTHER IS IN A CARE FACILITY?! Look, I know ABC is trying to spin her as the “mature” Bachelorette, but this is getting a little out of hand. What’s next? Will she let it slip that a former lover once gave her the hope diamond in her youth?
Things are looking dire for Clare. Production has shut down, the world is in quarantine, and she looks about moments away from starting a TikTok account for her dog when Chris Harrison saves us all from this painful vision of Christmas future by telling us that the men are currently waiting in quarantine and are on their way to meet her. Our hero!
First Impressions Of The Men
Usually, this is the part of every season where we’re treated to little snippets of the men’s lives before coming on the show. You know, the real who’s who of the season. (And by “who’s who” I mean, who is here to get some free publicity for the CrossFit they just opened and who is here to wear Clare’s skin as a suit.) But not so in 2020! Instead, we see less childhood homes and painful sob stories, and more of where all the n95s went in the shortage. Seriously, this summer, I was out here making hand sanitizer in my bathtub like it’s f*cking moonshine in prohibition, and ABC is over here flaunting that they have more Purell than lube this season.
Also, I know it feels like I’ve been glossing over the whole “production shut down because of a deadly pandemic” thing, but that is truly because ABC is giving it about as much air time as Grocery Store Joe’s first appearance on The Bachelorette. They briefly discuss their health and safety measures for the season (lots of testing and a strict quarantine) and no one seems the least bit traumatized about having to interact with 30+ strangers in close quarters where swapping bodily fluids is heavily encouraged. I guess I’ll just hyperventilate into a paper bag for them.
Speaking of the COVID tests, I am DEAD at watching these men get swabbed. They’re acting like production forced them to be waterboarded before going on national television. It’s just a little nose swab, guys! People are dying, Kim!!
Meeting The Men
After months of quarantine and weeks of COVID tests, Clare finally gets to meet her men. She steps out of the limo and it’s like, I’m sorry, but not even a global pandemic is a good enough excuse for that dress. Her stylist should be burned at the stake for that fashion atrocity. Look, I know early 2000s style is all the rage now, but literally, nobody asked you to refashion Hilary Duff’s purse from the 2004 Teen Choice Awards and make into a goddamn evening gown.
Dear GOD, my eyes!!
And would night one be complete without at least 15 minutes of filler bullsh*t? I think not! Chris sits Clare down to have a little heart-to-heart before the evening starts. He asks her what kind of man she’s looking for this season and Clare holds up a stock image of a human male. Seriously. She could have described a stick figure for all the detail she gave!
Moving on to the limo entrances. Let’s talk highlights:
-The first guy walks out of the limo, and I love that his big bold stunt is to breathe air near her face. The audacity!
-Jason’s schtick with the fake pregnant belly makes me want to take up witchcraft and place a gruesome curse on his future lineage. He says it’s to prove he’s “willing to hold the weight of the relationship and the labor of love” (sure, Jan), but I get the feeling Jason is the kind of guy who, whenever he gets into an altercation with a female coworker, makes a joke about her “being on the rag.”
-AJ tells us that he is horrible at first impressions and then follows that statement up by cumming in those very tight maroon pants after Clare accidentally touches his hand. He’s like, “that’s the first time I’ve touched a woman in months!” And if by “months” he means “ever,” then I believe it.
You certainly blew something, AJ.
-This is less of a highlight and more of an observation, but MY GOD there are a lot of “former athletes” this season. I feel like The Bachelorette has become a graveyard for failed NFL players. This is insane.
At one point Clare gushes that all the men “are just so sincere” which would go a little farther with me if the woman hadn’t been single for the last seven years. Yeah, I’m just really not going to take your word for it, Clare.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: DALEEEEEE. Dale walks out of the limo and I’m… underwhelmed. This is the man who brings The Bachelor franchise to its knees? Who supposedly causes production to shut down 4 weeks early—a feat that not even Colton and his fence jump could properly execute? Yeah, I’m not seeing it. I mean, he’s hot and all, but he acts like a Dale from South Dakota. I’m not impressed.
After exchanging five words with a man who has the personality of a blade of grass, Clare makes the bold proclamation that she’s found her husband. This causes Chris Harrison to immediately spit out the last sip of his Skinny Girl marg and dash out on camera to remind Clare, in a way that only feels mildly threatening, that she did in fact just meet Dale and he is a virtual stranger and so help him, you better not even THINK about mentioning DMs on camera, Clare.
The Cocktail Party
Fast forward to the cocktail party, and I’ve never seen such a hedonistic display of social interaction in all my life. 30 people! Maskless! Indoors! Speaking directly to each other’s faces! I have PTSD just watching this.
By far the most interesting part of the evening is when Clare’s dog breaks free of ABC’s least favorite intern, the one whom they’ve entrusted to watch the poor guy, and crashes the cocktail hour. I think my dog would have rather walked herself to the local Humane Society than subject herself to this, but at least someone’s enjoying themselves tonight!
Also, a plot twist I’d be very much down for: have the dog pick the winner! I’m sure it would be just as accurate as Clare “following her heart.”
The guy from Long Island who joked about dragging Clare to his cabin in the woods and then followed that up with a very strange statement about her being just as beautiful as his mother is the first guy she says has “great energy.” K. See THIS is why she’s been single for 40 years.
Sidenote: never has anyone said “I love your energy” about me. I mean, I’ve gotten a few “your personality ages like a cheap wine” or “you eventually wore me down.” But “love”? Not so much. That is a RED FLAG, CLARE! Nobody likes personalities anymore, let alone comments on them!
Ah, and just when I thought production was done trying to instigate petty fights on the first night. Tyler C, the man who showed up with only a few bags and a station wagon to his name, is upset that Yosef has used Instagram at some point in his life to interact with women. Oh, for god’s sake, GROW UP, man. This is the world we live in! Sliding into attractive people’s DMs is the equivalent of learning to ride a bike: it’s a coming of age moment that all people
TYLER C: *sniffles* But his Instagrams!!
ME:
“I’m not here for high school drama,” Tyler says as he begins the high school drama.
I wonder if this is what Clare’s father envisioned when he made her that DVD: a relationship that spawned out of his only daughter having to break down an Instagram DM at two in the morning with two men whose weekly grooming bill costs more than Clare’s entire outfit.
Wow, I love that Yosef has no qualms about using his daughter as a prop to qualify his being a “good guy.” Ted Bundy had a daughter too, Yosef! What’s your point?
Clare, to her credit, does not seem phased at all by this turn of events. After all, she did meet the boyfriend that she is most definitely dating on this show currently at this exact moment in time, through Instagram DMs.
Dale scores the First Impression Rose and I’m confused because it’s blatantly obvious that these two are dating. Like… they’re dating right?? Their conversations have been awkward at best and have mainly consisted of Clare profusely sweating and nervously giggling as Dale stares blankly in her face. I’ve had more chemistry with a TJ Maxx candle. You’re not fooling anyone, ABC!!
Yosef is still up in arms that anyone would think him here for the wrong reasons. I mean, he said he was a single father! According to Hallmark that and his rugged good looks is all he needs to validate his good intentions.
YOSEF: How dare you besmirch by character! I’m here for one reason and one reason only.
ALSO YOSEF ONE MINUTE AFTER THE ROSE CEREMONY:
#EverythingIsComingUpRoses, amiright Yosef?
Alright, let’s get to the good stuff. I don’t think anyone is really surprised by how the rose ceremony went, except maybe that the boy band manager was allowed to pollute our television screens for one more week.
Rejects Of The Night
Page, Chris, AJ, Jeremy, Jordan M., Mike, Robby, and Tyler C.
I guess Page, the tatted up chef from Austin, is the only one the producers could manipulate into giving an interview and I’m surprised no one offered him a tiny violin to go along with his lamenting. Do we think that Page knows that just because he flashed the heart tattooed on his cleavage, that doesn’t literally mean he’s showing anyone his heart? I feel like this is a line he frequently delivers to online dating prospects in the Austin area, and he must be stopped at all costs.
And that’s all she wrote, kids! Man, this was fun. These last few months I’ve been channeling all of my inner rage and angst into meaningful discussions with my therapist, and I forgot how much more satisfying it is to verbally skewer people on the internet instead. Can’t wait to do it again next week!
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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; @montgomerycollins /Tumblr (1); Giphy (4); @tvgoldtweets /Instagram (1); @inthebach /Instagram (1)
We were already unsure of what was going on with the upcoming season of The Bachelorette, but as of today, things are officially out of control. After filming got underway last month at California’s La Quinta Resort & Club, the traditional Bachelorette process was quickly upended when Clare Crawley apparently made her final decision after less than two weeks of filming, and left the show. The two weeks since have been a whirlwind of rumors, spoilers, and conspiracy theories, with numerous sightings of Bachelor Nation veterans on the La Quinta grounds.
Initially, it was all about Tayshia. Once the Clare Crawley news broke, it was all but confirmed that Tayshia would be taking the throne as this season’s Bachelorette, and the response was extremely positive. It was reported that the beginning of the season would still document Clare’s brief search for love, and then it would be all eyes on Tayshia. But within a few days, the plot thickened even further when both Hannah Ann Sluss was photographed at the filming location, speaking with one of the producers. On top of Hannah Ann’s mysterious arrival, eagle-eyed fans found social media clues that Becca Kufrin, Sydney Lotuaco, and Ashley Iaconetti were also at the resort. No matter how hard we try, we will never truly escape Ashley I.
With the many familiar faces purported to be at the resort, theories ran wild about what could possibly be happening. One viral twitter thread—from someone claiming to be an inside source—claimed that there would be a panel of Bachelorettes, each looking for love. This theory was bolstered by numerous reports earlier this month that Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen had broken up, after a tumultuous summer for the couple. But then, a cryptic Instagram comment from Becca on an E! News post called their relationship status into question, and we haven’t gotten any updates since. (Becca, please update us, we’re dying out here!) People also brought up the possibility of them having a mini-Bachelor In Paradise at the conclusion of The Bachelorette, which would make sense for Hannah Ann (and maaaaaybe Becca), but with Ashley I and Sydney both in relationships, it’s unclear why they would be on the invite list.
Basically, no one knows what the f*ck is happening, but today, everything we knew, or thought we knew, or thought we maybe kind of knew, is all back up in the air, because Clare Crawley is BACK. Yes, I have a headache too. On Sunday, Clare was photographed at La Quinta with Chris Harrison and executive producer Bennett Graebner. In the photos, Chris is wearing a suit, Clare looks great in a red dress, and there are production lights visible in the background, so they’re clearly filming something—BUT WHAT? Are they going to have another rose ceremony just so Clare can pick Dale one more time? Did something go wrong, and they already broke up? I’m not even going to bother to make a guess, because the possibilities are almost infinite.
Here’s your daily dose of bachelor whiplash. Is Clare filming again??? pic.twitter.com/DWD83RO4Gv
— The Betchelor🥀 (@betchelorpod) August 17, 2020
This could all just boil down to something in her contract that she had to film, but considering the quarantine procedures they’re supposed to be following, it seems odd how many people are being brought in and out of this resort. Like, isn’t the point of a bubble that people aren’t really supposed to come in? I understand the whole Tayshia switch-up, but there have been more people coming and going from the Bachelorette bubble than my local urgent care clinic.
Another wrench in this whole ~quarantine~ situation is that Chris was supposedly self-isolating for 14 days after he recently left the production bubble to drop his son off at college. He Instagrammed a photo from the Texas Christian University campus on August 11th, which was not 14 days ago, in case your math skills are rusty. In the interim, it was reported that JoJo Fletcher would be temporarily taking the hosting reins, which seemed like a random choice, but at this point, there are obviously no rules. But apparently that whole story wasn’t fully true, because Chris is back on set (and mask-less) less than a week after traveling back to California. If they were only going to make Chris quarantine for ~five days, couldn’t they have just waited to film any of his scenes until he was ready? At this point, he basically only shows up for the rose ceremonies anyway, so why even drag JoJo into this whole clusterf*ck?
So will this upcoming season of The Bachelorette be the most dramatic ever? Probably, yes, but it might just be because we can’t figure out what the hell is going on. I guess it will be fun to see so many familiar faces, but also… can they chill for a second? We’re here for the drama, but we are also TIRED, ABC.
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Images: ABC/John Fleenor; betchelorpod / Twitter
I’ve said it before, but right now I need to say it more than ever: The Bachelorette/Bachelor producers are working harder than the US Congress, Kris Jenner, and the devil himself. Not 12 hours ago, we were watching Pilot Pete be eviscerated live on stage by Hannah Ann and his own mother, in what really might have been the most dramatic finale ever. But ABC is not done yet! Peter’s season is not even cold in its grave yet, but it’s officially Clare Crawley’s time to shine. This morning, we got our first look at Clare’s contestants on The Bachelorette, and though we are all so very tired, we must persevere.
As they’ve done for the last few seasons, ABC chose to use Facebook to reveal the contestants, so no, you can’t delete your Facebook account yet. Don’t get too excited yet, because these aren’t the official cast bios. Those will come later, and obviously we’ll roast them when they do. These are just the Walmart photo studios headshots they make the contestants take when they show up for filming, and all we get is name, age, and hometown. Internet, do your thing and suss out any of these guys who may be problematic.
Even without the full bios for Clare’s contestants, there is still plenty of material to work with, so let’s dive right in.
Looking through the dudes, there’s one huge elephant in the room, so let’s just talk about it. See this man? This is Matt J, from New York City. As in, Matt James. As in, Tyler Cameron’s best friend and roommate, Matt James from New York City. Honestly, I think the producers are just trolling us at this point. Is he here for the right reasons? Probably not, but I kind of love that this show is shameless enough to cast him. Maybe he’ll be the Bachelor next year, and Tyler can come back as his advisor? Hopefully that’s allowed in Tyler’s Barkitecture contract!
Okay, I know I said there was one huge elephant in the room, but I think there are actually two. Sure, ABC casting Matt James is fun and messy, but I have some more serious concerns when it comes to the ages of the contestants. Last week, after Clare (who is 38) was chosen as the lead, Reality Steve reported that the season was being partially recast to include more age-appropriate contestants. One guy who was allegedly let go for being 25 even posted a ridiculous message on Instagram! It seemed like ABC was committed to giving Clare a decent selection of men she might actually want to date… but that didn’t really happen.
Out of 32 contestants, 23 of them are in their twenties. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating younger guys, but right off the bat, more than 70% of Clare’s choices are basically a decade younger than her, if not more. Unless she told the producers she prefers younger guys, I feel like this is a big mistake. To make matters worse, only TWO of the men are Clare’s age or older, and I really just don’t understand. While Bret E is a seriously hunky 42-year-old, he’ll be competing for Clare’s heart along with this 23-YEAR-OLD CHILD:
This is James C, and though he’s from Chicago, I know exactly who this man is in New York City. He hangs out exclusively in Murray Hill, where he is constantly trying to impress women by making his entry-level finance job sound more important than it is. He still thinks Saturdays are for the boys, and is almost definitely averse to performing oral sex. I can’t speak for Clare, but I feel like I’m too mature for James C, and I’m only one year older than him. ABC, what is you doin’???
Aside from the obvious age issues, it’s hard to say too much about these guys, because I don’t really want to just critique their looks. Well, I want to, but my editor has told me that’s not cool, so we’ll wait for the bios to properly make fun of them for their fake job titles and ridiculous fun facts. But I just have to point out this man, who looks exactly like Jed Wyatt. Like, did Jed change his name to Anthony and move to California? Wait, actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if Jed went into witness protection after last season—can someone look into this? But yeah, I’ll be calling this man Jed Jr., and I don’t want to hear any protests.
Okay one more thing about Jed Jr. Why is his watch so big??? He probably can’t even tell time, he just looks at the watch and shouts things like “it’s time to get lit!” Ugh. I don’t trust men who wear watches like this, and I hope Clare will notice this and immediately send him packing.
With the photos of Clare’s contestants being released, it means the men have all arrived for filming, and Clare’s season will probably start taping this week. It’s only a matter of time before the spoilers start rolling in or someone inevitably gets Me Too’d, and personally, I can’t wait. I gotta say, this batch of half-baked men doesn’t make me confident that Clare Crawley’s fifth time on a Bachelor will be the charm, but who knows, maybe she’ll surprise us? Bless this mess.
Images: ABC/Paul Hebert; The Bachelorette / Facebook
Guys, did anyone actually like this season of The Bachelor? Everyone is 12 years old, the “drama” is so petty and not in a fun way, and I swear, Pilot Pete gets off on breaking his contestants down and watching them cry over him. Overall, ew. And a sad time for women. I don’t buy that a single girl actually wanted to find love—and why would they, they’re children who want to sell laxative tea on Instagram! I find it hard to believe a gorgeous 23-year-old model has exhausted every option for finding love, forcing her to go on reality TV. It’s just not likable or believable. But today, we’ve been saved from watching one of them yet again for months and months. Because in a bizarre twist, The Bachelorette has cast Clare Crawley! If you didn’t watch Juan Pablo’s season, or her numerous stints on Bachelor spin-offs, like Paradise and Winter Games, you have no idea what you’re in for. I’m personally so excited for Clare to reshape the garbage train that’s been the last few seasons of both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and here is why you should be too.
She’s Unpredictable
On Juan Pablo’s season, Clare showed up at his room in the middle of the night and hooked up with him in the ocean. In front of the other girls. I mean, this is reality TV gold. I don’t watch the shows so someone can find love in five minutes with a stranger and fake an engagement, I watch for the drama. And not “ooh someone said she wasn’t my friend/someone took my champagne” drama, which is boring. Clare is a total loose cannon and just does whatever she wants, which makes for great TV. She’s also been brought back so many times, which makes me think she’s easily influenced by the producers and they’re able to give us some awesome drama with her.
She Doesn’t Take Any Sh*t
Clare also takes no sh*t—not from the other girls, but especially not from men. She basically told Juan Pablo to go f*ck himself during his season. Clare speaks her mind to absolutely everyone, even if they did not ask for it. ESPECIALLY if they did not ask for it. She sent Ashley I on what I believe was her second stint of Bachelor in Paradise totally over the edge over Jared. Although it’s hilarious how that worked out for Ashley now. But Ashley was a total sobbing puddle because of Clare and called her an “old woman”, which is amazing because Clare was probably like 32 at the time. Then Clare had had enough of the BS and left of her own accord that season. She does not tolerate anything, and I can’t wait to watch her rip these men there for the wrong reasons to pieces.
She’s Kinda Nuts
But like, in a fun way. Clare being the Bachelorette is almost like Corinne being the Bachelorette (if only we could have been so lucky). She’s really emotional and you don’t know if she’s going to be shouting her love from the rooftops or ripping a guy a new one. Which is my favorite kind of person to watch on reality TV! She’s so much fun to watch, and I can’t decide if she’s genuinely the sweetest person or like, is secretly a bunny boiler. Most likely both. But we’ll find out soon enough!
She Actually Wants Love
Even if you think the worst things about Clare, no one can argue that she’s there to try to launch her modeling career. She’s been very genuine on every show she’s been on about how badly she wants to find someone. Plus, she’s a hair stylist, which is a real job, instead of a Model/Influencer/Twin, or whatever ridiculous jobs the rest of the contestants have now. She is also 38 and single—I actually believe that she’s tried everything else to meet someone and that’s why she’s willing to do this yet again. And I hope it works out for her! But if it doesn’t, at least we’ll get some good TV out of it.
Here’s to drinking while watching The Bachelorette because I want to and not because it’s too excruciating to get through otherwise! Also, if you need more convincing, watch this amazing edit of Clare telling her troubles to a raccoon. Kinda hope he guest stars next season.
Images: Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Leisure Opportunities; Giphy (6)
