It’s been a week since we watched Cassie take Colton back on the finale of The Bachelor, and they’re definitely still in the honeymoon phase. Or, more accurately, they’re in the let’s post on Instagram nonstop so everyone thinks we’re super happy phase, but it’s just as annoying. But how long will it last? Will Colton and Cassie even get engaged, or will they just fade into the background of failed Bachelor couples? Only time will tell, but this got me thinking about some of the other recent-ish Bachelor couples that we don’t hear much about.
Some of the answers are obvious, like Arie and Lauren (married with a baby on the way), or Nick and Vanessa (probably haven’t spoken in a year), but other couples are a lot harder to read. Who’s still together? Who’s getting married soon? Who acts like their supposed fiancé doesn’t even exist? Come along as I embark on this deep dive into the murky waters of what happens after Mike Fleiss stops telling you what to post on Instagram.
Becca & Garrett
Aside from Colton, Becca Kufrin was the most recent Bachelor Nation star, and her engagement with Garrett looks like it’s still going strong. In fact, just a few days ago, Becca and Garrett posted to celebrate the anniversary of when their relationship technically started. Of course, Becca was technically dating two dozen other guys for the first couple months, but I guess we can count it because he got the first impression rose.
Becca and Garrett post about each other pretty regularly, but like, a normal amount for a couple that’s engaged. Their don’t sound like they were ghost-written by Mike Fleiss, which is definitely a good sign. We don’t know any details about when their wedding will be, but in December they did a weird pre-wedding photoshoot, in which Becca is definitely wearing a wedding dress. Unclear why that was a thing, but Becca also said in December that they’re house-hunting together in San Diego, so it seems like things are going well for them and they’re committed.
Rachel & Bryan
I always had my doubts about Rachel and Bryan’s relationship, mainly because it was clear from watching the season that she had the strongest feelings for Peter. (It will never make sense to me why someone who isn’t ready to get engaged goes on a show where a proposal is literally the only goal. What are you doing??) Despite Bryan being a questionable winner, he and Rachel are still together nearly two years later. They keep things pretty low-key, and sometimes go months without posting photos together on Instagram.
But now, there’s no question about whether Bryan and Rachel are legit, because they’re getting married this summer. In January, Rachel told Entertainment Tonight that she has a date and a dress. As for the location, she said “It will be a destination wedding in a warmer location, closer to Colombia, where Bryan’s from, but it’s not in Colombia.” Lol because “closer to Colombia” could literally mean anything, but I get that she doesn’t want to tell the whole world exactly where they’ll be getting married (damn it). Rachel later told the Bachelor Party podcast that the wedding is in August, so stay tuned for that in the midst of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s going to be a busy summer.
JoJo & Jordan
Let’s be real—JoJo and Jordan are the main reason I wanted to do this article. It’s been almost three years since they got engaged, and I understand that The Bachelorette is not a typical relationship scenario, but three years is a long time to be engaged for anyone. JoJo and Jordan still post together all the time, so it’s never really been in doubt that they’re together, but when are they getting married??
Last month, they shared some minimal details about their wedding plans on their web series (lol). They said that they had decided 2019 would be the year they shared their wedding date…which means nothing. You could set a date in 2019 for four years from now; this information is useless. Jojo and Jordan are waiting until after Jordan’s brother’s wedding (not Aaron, the other one) to announce the date, but JoJo said she wants a spring wedding. I’m assuming she doesn’t mean this spring, so we’re most likely looking at a Spring 2020 wedding date. There’s nothing wrong with a long engagement, except for the fact that I’m impatient. I mean, we all watched their entire relationship unfold on camera; I feel like it’s only right that I get semi-regular updates on their relationship status. Is that so much to ask??
Chris & Krystal
So the past three Bachelorettes are all still engaged and in varying stages of wedding planning, but what about some Paradise couples? First of all, let’s talk about Chris and Krystal. After getting engaged on Paradise last season, they’ve fared a bit better than Jordan and Jenna, and they’re still together. In December, they moved in together in San Diego, so they can hang out with Becca and Garrett all the time! I’m obsessed with Chris posting a literal apartment tour on Instagram:
There hasn’t been much news about their eventual wedding, other than Krystal telling People that she sees “a beach and bare feet, and lots of crystals.” Do I smell a Paradise wedding on the horizon?? Chris Harrison can only hope. In the mean time, they’ve started a YouTube channel called Glitter Goose together, so that’s how you know it’s really love.
Raven & Adam
Now that we’ve addressed the four couples that are already engaged, let’s finish off with one couple who is headed in that direction: Raven and Adam. Since meeting on the show in 2017, they’ve been together for almost two years, and they seem to be doing great. In fact, Adam went on a podcast recently and said that he’s going to propose to her sometime in 2019. My by calculations, that means Colton should be proposing to Cassie by 2021…oh wait, that’s never going to happen.
Adam also said that they’ve gotten many offers for a televised wedding, but they’re not interested. That’s a shame, because I’m sure Chris Harrison was already setting up the folding chairs for another Paradise wedding. But really, Raven and Adam seem pretty normal and happy, and I hope they stay that way. Maybe not all of these couples will make it in the end, but they seem to be doing fine for now.
Images: Shutterstock; @gy_yrigoyen, @therachlindsay, @joelle_fletcher, @chrisrandone, @ravennicolegates / Instagram
I think my favorite social media trend of 2018 has been “celebrities’ Instagram comments are news”. Like, not to get too macro here *dusts off communications degree* (just kidding, anyone who’s ever read one of my articles knows I have a creative writing degree), but I think focusing on celebrities’ social media comments has really changed the news landscape. We have more direct access to celebrities than ever before. They’re not simply releasing canned statements via their publicists or mailing you autographed headshots in response to your snail fanmail. No—they’re responding directly to fans, and often, trolls. Such is the case of Becca Kufrin, who responded to an Instagram commenter who tried to call her ugly.
I say “tried to call her ugly” because, first of all, she did not succeed. Becca came to play today. I guess she has more time on her hands now that she’s no longer bound by ABC’s blood oath to remain silent on social media. And, secondly, say what you want about Becca or her choice in men, but you’re fighting an uphill battle in calling this woman ugly. I guess that’s just my personal opinion, but it needs to be said nonetheless.
Today, Becca posted this picture which seems like borderline #sponcon for Victoria’s Secret:
I mean, whatever. This picture is fine. I was about to scroll right by it—and, in fact, was in the process of doing so—when this comment caught my eye:
Personally, I think Becca looks as great as she always looks in this Instagram, but that’s not the point. What is the point is she clapped back by saying “and you look kinda like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” This, to me, is peak Becca K: she’s asserting herself a little bit, but still managing to be a sweet midwestern girl at the same time. Like, she’s basically saying “and you are probably having a bad day, bless your heart.” Personally, I would have probably gone to that person’s profile and constructed my response based on the information I could glean there, but that’s why Becca is a better person than I am.
I’ve also got to say that in this day and age, directly trolling a celebrity in their comments is a bold move. Now more than ever, there’s a chance they will see it and directly respond to you. And do you really want that? Are you emotionally prepared for their followers to come after you personally, all because you thought it would be fun to call a public figure ugly? I’m not sure what this Instagram user was trying to gain here by telling Becca she looks “kinda ugly” in her photo, but I’m sure she got a lot more than she bargained for. Seriously, the comments on that comment could be its own reality show.
So this holiday season, if you don’t want to receive tons of angry DMs from an entire fandom of a hugely popular national television show, maybe refrain from leaving that nasty comment. Or refrain because it’s the right thing to do. Your call.
Images: bkoof / Instagram (2)
Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??
Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.
Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.
Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.
Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”
Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.
^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate
HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m nervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.
Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday.
BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”
Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.
Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”
ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?
HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??
MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me.
CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.
Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.
Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?
BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
ME:
Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?
Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.
Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”
Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!
GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.
THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.
Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.
Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?
Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.
BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
ALSO BLAKE:
She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.
WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?
Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.
ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.
Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.
GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.
YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?
Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”
The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.
ALSO ME:
Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.
The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.
Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.
OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.
BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.
Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.
Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.
Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.
Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
BLAKE:
CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.
FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.
Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.
Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.
BECCA:
Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?
Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.
I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.
Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”
GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.
Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.
CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!
The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!
And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.
Images: Giphy (10)
In case you missed it, everyone’s favorite male model, Jordan Kimball, was with us on Monday night to watch (and react to) The Men Tell All. After the episode, Jordan joined us on The Betchelor podcast, ready to spill the tea. To get all of the important info, you’ll need to listen to the full episode of The Betchelor in its entirety, but I’ve done you all the favor of highlighting some of the juicier tidbits from Jordan’s episode. You are so welcome in advance. Read below, and subscribe and rate The Betchelor on iTunes.
On Lincoln being a floor sh*tter…
“I never did see lincoln go to the restroom.”
On how he feels around Krystal…
“There’s this insert of me with Krystal, and it disturbs me. There’s such a hype around Krystal and I, and there’s such a low-key fear of me even looking into her eyes. I can’t even sit at the same table with her.”
On what you didn’t see from Jason…
“Jason was singing Disney songs every morning in the shower—they didn’t show all that.”
On Christian confronting him at the Men Tell All…
“Fun fact: Afterwards, he comes up to me and says ‘can I get a picture? I’m a big fan.’”
On Colton…
“If you’re gonna be the guy who’s not being himself but will call other people out for being themselves, then I’ve got every right to pull the trigger. With that being said, I like to give a girl a better catch than a chase. That’s where you find love. It breaks my heart that he’s 26 years old and has never done that”
On guys (Chris) not being real for the cameras…
Derek Peth: “When you guys were in Vegas, we were at the Aria too and we met with some of the producers. They said the thing with this season is that these guys, the producers feel were like, trained to say things. Instead of just being who they are and speaking from the heart, they try to be somebody or portray somebody else.”
Jordan: “Chris went in trying to be someone else and when that didn’t match with what’s going on, he flipped out. It actually started to happen in Utah, and he lost it on everyone. You know, ‘facade’ is Chris’ middle name. He tries so hard, it’s like you don’t have to try to be with us. The Florida crew, we’ve disowned him.”
And more on Chris…
“He struggled a lot with his identity, like ‘I’ve got this and that’, but God, that doesn’t mean you’re a dateable guy, that you’re lovable. First of all, the dog that he claims to be his isn’t even his. Who does that? I mean, I’m not gonna lie, the photos ABC requested for the show, I sent them photos of me with my brother’s dog. I wanna give that guy a hug.”
On Grocer Joe (plus a ‘Paradise’ sneak peek)…
“Joe, he doesn’t talk very much. He speaks from the gut and all he says is, ‘Yeah, she’s a great girl’. I love him. He just wants you to find what you need in his grocery store. There’s so much to look forward to with Joe and I in Paradise, I can say that much.”
On his ideal bodyguard…
“Here’s the cool thing though–you call Joe out, you will get a reaction out of him. Joe will put you on your ass. Oh yeah, he’s got some Italian steam behind him. I’m telling you, if I need a bodyguard, it’s gonna be grocery store Joe. He can beat him with some tomatoes and make great ketchup, I’m sure. A real bloody scene, you know.”
On shady social media pages…
“Okay, I’m gonna call someone out here. I’m really fed up with who runs the Bachelor ABC page because I think it’s someone who isn’t tied to the show from an ABC standpoint. I think it’s someone that’s just trying to campaign for people, and that’s my vibe right now, and there’s a lot of people campaigning for Jason right now. I don’t know if he’s paying them off…”
On whether Blake is genuine…
“No. I definitely think Garrett is genuine. He’s absolutely genuine. The only thing, though, the first night when I met him, I had to introduce myself to him six times. I’m like, listen, I’m not that guy who’s wearing an apron at the grocery store, I’m f*cking Jordan. You should recognize, you know?”
Listen to the full episode of this week’s Betchelor podcast for even more tea!
This week on The Bachelorette, ABC is gifting us with a giant waste of our time The Men Tell All, and I for one cannot wait to watch Jason and Colton try and out-cry each other for the next two hours of my life. Kidding! I think I’d rather bathe in bleach. But, alas, we can’t all get what we want in this life. That said, you betches are in for a real treat because this week I’m watching The Bachelorette with fan faves Jordan Kimball and John Graham from Becca’s season AND Derek Peth. And don’t you worry—just because they’re sitting in the same room as me does not mean I’m not going to quietly rip them to shreds for the next 120 minutes. So, shall we get started?
Chris Harrison starts off the night by asking the hard questions: Will Becca find love? If by “love” he means a man whose mother still rocks him to sleep at night or a homophobic racist, then, yes, I’m sure she will find love. Mazel tov!
Chris starts bringing out the men from Becca’s season, and it’s like going through my texts after a v aggressive happy hour—I literally have no idea what’s happening on my screen. I can’t wait for Chris Harrison to try and spin drama out of these nothing burger humans.
Oh STFU Jason. He’s like “it’s so stressful being here you just black out sometimes.” I mean, is this something I tell my boss when she confronts me about acting too “inappropriate” at our company happy hour? Yes. But that’s neither here nor there.
This is rich. Connor asks Chris how he can just “lose his mind” on the show as he wears a paisley blazer and beige slip ons and thinks nothing of it. K. We all know those glasses aren’t prescription either, Connor! (Also he literally got mad over a picture and threw it into a pool, lest we forget.)
They’re all ganging up on Jean-Blanc and I genuinely forgot that he was even on this show. Remember when he was the worst guy there because he was creepy and always trying to pimp out his cologne on Becca? Even though there was a literal sex offender who stayed several episodes longer? *sighs* Simpler times.
WHY DO THESE MEN KEEP USING THE WORD DISINGENUOUS? Like, they must have said it 10 times at this point. They keep using this word and I do not think it means what they think it means…
Interesting. I didn’t think Colton and Jordan would get into it tonight, but then again, one of them is willing to sell his virginity to ABC’s highest bidder and the other is Jordan. So, it makes sense.
COLTON: I’m not saying you weren’t a sweetheart, I’m just saying you’re not gonna get married in golden underwear.
First of all, Colton, those are fighting words. Second of all, they were all just in Vegas! You KNOW people get married in golden underwear there, like, all the time.
Ah, yes. The Chicken chimes in. I was waiting for him to grasp for those three more seconds of fame. Jordan is like, “the worst thing you can ever say about a woman is that you’re settling, so I never said that. I just heavily implied that boys with asses like mine do not talk to girls with faces like hers.”
Sidenote: is anyone else noticing Wills’ provocative footwear rn? I feel like he got those booties from the Nordstrom anniversary sale and I’ve never loved him more. YOU DO YOU, BOO BOO.
Wait, who is this guy wearing leggings from the Macy’s junior section trying to attack Jordan rn?
ME: Jordan, have you ever been in a fight in your entire life though?
JORDAN: Yes, I have. Once. When I was 12 years old.
Sure, Jan.
Chris Harrison calls Jordan to the hot seat and we get to see a look back at all the memes he inspired his best moments. Honestly, thank god he made it as far as he did because otherwise I would have set fire to ABC studios long ago.
Lololol Jordan just gave the Gretchen Weiners of all apologies to the people who didn’t like him on the show
JORDAN: I’m sorry you didn’t like me but I won’t apologize for being confident and my wholly authentic self.
ALSO JORDAN:
Tbh it’s one of the best motivational speeches I’ve heard in a while.
Chris Harrison asks the men why they think Jordan is so annoying and David, the man who lists “chicken” in his career bio, is like “well he wasn’t very serious about the whole process.” K.
JOE THE GROCER. IS. HERE. OMG. I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE.
CHRIS HARRISON: How was all 5 minutes of your time on The Bachelorette?
JOE: Pretty bad.
ME: You’re too pure for this earth.
JOE: *breathes*
ALL OF BACHELOR NATION: I would die for you.
Okay, what are these tweets Chris is pulling up about Grocery Joe? They each have, like, two likes. Are you really telling me that this is the best that underpaid ABC intern could do?
DEREK: *looks at Joe* He’s so cute, like a baby bird. I want to feed him with a dropper.
Truer words, Derek. Truer words.
LOL. I love that Chris Harrison can’t get any personal details out of Joe. It makes me like him so much more. He’s like “Idk what to say, there’s cameras around and I don’t even know you.”
CHRIS HARRISON:
Okay, Joe, you went all the way to Paradise and all you can tell us is “it’s complicated” with your relationship status? Are you kidding me ? I need to know if it’s chill to slide into his DMs he finds love in Paradise or not!
They call Wills into the hot seat, and I don’t know if I can watch his montage without going into a blind rage at Becca breaking down. It’s like I’m he’s getting dumped all over again. Oh my god he’s crying!!!
Chris is like “I feel like you connected on a different level with Becca than she did with the rest of the men.” Interesting choice of words, Chris. If by “different” he means on a level deeper than “hot and contractually obligated to show me affection for 6 weeks” then, yes, I suppose their relationship was a bit different.
God, Wills is such a goddamn gentleman. Even the way he’s talking about Becca rn post-breakup is sooo stand-up.
WILLS: *mumbles*
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
Colton’s next to sit in the hot seat, and I’m not sure I can sit through another tearful admission about his virginity. Also, WHAT is that bedazzled blazer he’s wearing rn? It’s heinous. Like, is Cary Fetman styling him too??
HAHA Chris keeps asking what his relationship with Tia was and he’s like “well I wouldn’t call it a ‘relationship.’’ What would you call it, Colton? Just the tip? And they say chivalry is dead, ladies!
Okay, I can’t with Colton right now and all his fake tears. He just admitted on national television that he’s never seen a woman’s vagina and I’m not buying it for one effing second. You were a PRO FOOTBALL PLAYER and not one girl sent you a nude DM? Please. He’s trying sooo hard to recreate the Sean Lowe Bachelor magic and it’s painful to watch.
Last but not least, Jason takes the hot seat. Why do I have a feeling this is going to be less about him and Becca and more about him using this 10-15 minute window to campaign to be the next Bachelor?
JASON: You guys are so sweet—it’s been a wild ride!
ME:
Chris is like “what is it about what you just saw on this screen that brought you to tears more than when Becca actually dumped you?” Well, I’m pretty sure that’s from the onions production were furiously cutting in front of his face backstage prior to this taping, but you tell your truth, J!
They bring Becca out and she is doing an incredibly good job of reminding every single one of these men why they’re better off. Becca, you’re supposed to show up to this public roasting of all 30 of your exes looking so good that they wish they were dead!
I mean, what are those bedazzled half hoops she’s wearing? They say the bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe, but those hoops are saying she might let you get to second base but only with the lights turned off.
Omg WHY is Jason talking to Becca like he’s going through an employee review?
JASON: Moving forward, what can I do to improve so that I can become the next Bachelor better myself for my next relationship?
I see right f*cking through you, Jason.
Jason is using “moreover” in a sentence, he’s quoting Oprah, dude is campaigning HARD for Bachelor. #MenTellAll
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 31, 2018
Chris asks Becca about the Tia situation and she’s like, “you know I’m still friends with her because I’m contractually obligated to be.” Ah, the true bonds of friendship. I bet she wants Tia to find love about as much as I want my ex to not die in a fiery car crash, but okay.
How many times are Chris Harrison and Becca going to say “this group of guys was so great” and then pointedly not discuss Lincoln?
Chris Harrison asks the men if they have any last words feel personally victimized by Becca AND JEAN-BLANC FUCKING RAISES HIS HAND. Stop. This is so uncomfortable. I’m dying.
^^an actual reenactment of what just happened on my screen
Oh of COURSE he’s using this five extra seconds of screen time to pimp out another cologne. Take your cologne and your broken dreams elsewhere, Jean!
Wait what is this apology? Chris doesn’t speak the entire episode and then comes out at the end with an elaborate apology sung by a church choir? But why?
Well that wraps up another thrilling episode from this season! So in the end, the men did not tell all. They told almost nothing, and pretended like they were going to fight each other, as if we believed a man in suit capris would ever punch a man with perfectly coiffed hair. And the countdown to the finale begins!
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (6); ABC (3)
Hello! And welcome back to another very exciting episode of The Bachelorette. I’m calling this episode “very exciting” because this is the episode where Becca will either bring shame upon her family take someone to the fantasy suite or be so repulsed by someone that she sends him home early. Riveting stuff!
The episode begins, and we’re immediately treated to footage of a slow moving car crash the journey so far. Becca starts talking about all the men she has left and I’m realizing that she traveled halfway around the world to bang three guys she could have easily swiped right on drunk at a happy hour in Minnesota. Like, none of these guys warrant a romantic trip to Thailand. There’s more personality in a stock photo shoot then what’s happening on my screen rn.
Seriously, which is which I CANNOT TELL!!
Blake’s One-On-One
Blake gets the first one-on-one date and I already know this will end with him crying after sex. He’s got the face for it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Becca kicks things off by forcing Blake to hike with her through a sacred temple grounds. She’s like, “this will be really fun because we won’t be allowed to touch each other at all!” Tbh that’s sounds like my perfect date so I approve of this.
Oh OF COURSE they run into two wise monks who proceed to lecture them on the secret to a happy life. Somehow I’m thinking that secret doesn’t involve dating 30 men on national television and hoping for the best?
BLAKE: They’re so wise, you know?
ALSO BLAKE:
Okay, so I know I’ve been going easy on Becca’s outfits these last few weeks and that’s because I’m genuinely worried Cary Fetman added an entry about me in his personal burn book, but I can’t hold back any longer. BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?! It looks like she bought that dress at the airport gift shop, and I’m horrified. This is fantasy suite night and you came dressed for the occasion in a Wet Seal beach cover-up? What is wrong with you???
They start talking about their past relationships, and Blake is trying wayyy too hard to downplay his mental breakdown after his last girlfriend.
BLAKE: It was very hard time for me and my mother definitely did not have to hold me through the night for the next 3-6 months.
ME:
Godddd Blake is so needy. He’s like “I can’t ignore the fact that you’re dating other people” and it’s like, you have seen this show before, yes?
Blake and Becca head to the fantasy suite which looks weirdly like the best Marriott in Thailand. Seriously, ABC what’s happening with your budget these days? Thailand is crazy cheap and instead of living like kings for the night they’re living like two people on a mediocre business trip whose points landed them a free room.
Becca keeps looking at Blake like he is going to rock her world considers gently cradling her face as foreplay. Good luck with that, girl!
Cut to the morning after and the camera pans to Becca’s 99 cent dress on the floor. As if I needed a graphic reminder about what went down in that room last night: some very heavy breathing and Blake prematurely ejaculating after accidentally brushing Becca’s thigh. Please.
Lololol Blake is acting like every girl who got drunk off of too much rosé and is trying to define the relationship as the guy she’s seeing starts putting on his pants and calling an Uber.
BECCA: That was a amazing.
BLAKE: So, like, what are we tho?
Wait. Blake is me. I am Blake.
Jason’s One-On-One Date
Moving on to Jason’s one-on-one. Jason looks far too comfortable in Thailand. Like, he’s definitely made a pact before that what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand on a business trip. Ya feel me?
That smirk says it all.
Also, did Becca get her period on this date? Why is she wearing that towel around her waist? Because I know for goddamn sure it’s not for fashion purposes.
Okay, WHY is everything about food with Jason? First with the wing eating contest and now these crickets? It’s like he wants Becca to have violent diarrhea after every date.
Becca makes a p vague comment about her and Jason’s future together and then immediately freaks out over said comment. I’ve never related to Becca more than in this moment. She’s like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t see a future with this person I met four weeks ago!!” Yes, Becca, this is good. That’s the ABC brainwashing slowly starting to leave your system. That, or blind panic at the start of a bowel movement. Either/or.
Wait so we don’t even get to see the day date at all? Damnnn Jason must have really f*cked up if all we get to see is her walking off with her producer.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. WAIT. Is Becca going to dump him right this second? Figures that she’s going to cut the night short on the night where I’m not immediately horrified by her dress.
Becca dips out on Jason AGAIN and he’s gotta know he’s going home tonight, right? Also, is it wrong that now that I know he’s a loser I’m kinda into him?
So when someone gets up two times to go cry by themselves on a date, they’re probs not into you…. noted #theBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, this conversation is so effing awkward. Like, what does she want him to do? List reasons for why she should keep him? Like, they are talking in circles around each other.
BECCA: I’m not confident about you.
JASON: That feels like a yes, though?
Okay, Jason is pushing HARD to stay the night. He must think his penis can convince her to keep him around for another week. Is that considered big dick energy?
Jason finally gets in the van and is just like “eh, better luck next time.” Seriously? After all of that begging and pleading that’s all you have to say for yourself? Meanwhile, Becca has a small mental breakdown in her suite at the Marriott. If only she could see his monotoned goodbye speech rn.
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Last and certainly most racist, we have Garrett’s one-on-one! Cut to Becca who’s pregaming the date by crying alone in her hotel suite. Again, I can deeply relate to this sentiment. At least the cameras didn’t zoom in on her lonely dress on the floor. What a missed opportunity, ABC!
Becca meets up with Garrett and is like “we’re getting out of the city and doing something the locals do!” And by “doing something the locals do” she means rafting through these people’s backyards.
BECCA THREE MINUTES INTO THIS DATE: I didn’t think, like, the locals would actually be here though?
I love how much they’re struggling with this crowd rn. These people could give one single sh*t that Bachelor contestants are in their presence. Can I just move to this beautiful, pure community?
Moving on. Becca shows up to the dinner and drinks portion of the evening wearing her grandmother’s Elvis costume. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m feeling personally attacked by Cary Fetman. This lace abomination has to be some declaration of war. Has to be. IT HAS A SATIN GODDAMN COLLAR. WHY. Becca does realize the end goal here is to make Garrett want to bang her, right? ‘Cause I’m worried that won’t happen now.
I love that Garrett is like “I’m nervous about commitment” and Becca practically orgasms on that pillow. Meanwhile, Jason, a guy who has exclaimed he loves her for weeks now, gets sent packing. Makes sense.
Wait, is that a freaking tent they’re spending the night in? Everyone else got the best sub-par hotel suite ABC’s points could buy them and these two are relegated to sleeping in the hotel’s backyard? If I were Garrett rn I’d be like “I signed up for Fantasy Suites, not glamping.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god Becca just blew a kiss to Garrett and his responding kiss was a mix between giving her the finger and rolling his eyes. This is the most personality I’ve seen from him all season, and I’m here for it.
The Rose Ceremony
GUYS. JASON. IS. BACK. Omgomgomgomgomg. Just when I was getting genuinely concerned that ABC was going to waste my time for the next 35 minutes the producers somehow coerce Jason into embarrassing himself further on national television. *turns up volume*
JASON: I just want to get some closure so I’m going to knock on her door and talk to her.
BECCA:
Yeah, this isn’t a great start, dude.
Wait what is this story he just gave her? Please tell me it’s not a scrapbook of their time together. Like, did he whip this up in his hotel room last night when the producers told him he needed to have a more emotional exit if he wants to be the next Bachelor? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation behind this sad, handwritten book he just deposited at her doorstep.
Jason: I brought you something#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/hVIgHR1e2f
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, but why is there even a rose ceremony at this point? The anxiety rolling off Blake rn is making me sweat out all the wine I just drank and it’s senseless.
Becca shows up to the rose ceremony in yet another lace dress that makes me question. Chris Harrison asks Becca if she feels good about cutting Jason before the rose ceremony and she’s like “oh yeah, I have two great guys left and plus his hair repulsed me!” I paraphrase.
Becca calls Garrett’s name first and Blake looks like he might murder them both in their sleep. I hope his mother is on call to help him through these dark times.
LOL this toast is so effing awkward. Garrett’s like “thanks for giving me that quality one-on-one time this week.”
ALSO GARRETT:
Subtle, G!
Next week ABC continues to waste our time we have “The Men Tell All” where I’m sure no one will take accountability for their actions or give us any insight into their dumbass decisions this season. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (7); @jason_tartick /Instagram (1); ABC (3)
Welcome to Hometowns, people! For those of you who are unfamiliar, this is the episode of The Bachelorette where we get to see where these piles of flaming garbage masquerading as human men came from. It’s also the episode where Becca can decide which mother-in-law she wants to trash-talk behind her back for the rest of her life. Sounds delightful. Shall we get to the good stuff, then?
Garrett’s Hometown
I guess we’re not playing around this episode, because ABC immediately starts things off with Garrett’s hometown. Small mercies. First of all, I am ALARMED by the way he just ran out of those trees. Like, what are these hand gestures I’m looking at rn?
Garrett wants Becca to get a real understanding of his roots and where he comes from, so he asks her to ride on the back of his tractor, and I wish I was even a little bit making this up. Garrett’s like, “can you see yourself doing this after the show?” And it’s like, please stop pretending like you will be doing anything other than pimping laxative tea on Instagram after this show.
And let’s be real, we all know Carlos never really lets you drive the tractor unless you’ve been extra good!
GARRETT: Bringing you home is a big deal because the last person I brought home was my wife.
^^^THINGS YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD NEVER SAY.
Okay, is it just me or do Becca and Garrett’s sister look eerily similar? Like they could pull off the twin twist better than Spencer Hastings did doubling as herself in the PLL series finale? Also, Becca keeps saying that Garrett reminds her of her dad and now Garrett’s sister could literally be Becca’s body double. This is getting way too incestuous for me. I’m out.
Okay, I’m surprised I like any of Garrett’s family members, but Barbara is real AF.
BARBARA: Becca I don’t know what he’s told you about his past relationship…
BECCA: Oh, he’s told me everything. Like, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
BARBARA:
Lol Becca just said that her and Garrett share a “special bond” because they’re the only ones on the show who’ve been engaged/married in the past. K. I didn’t know that spitting on the sanctity of marriage qualified a person to be your soulmate these days but, like, to each their own.
The rest of this hometown is boring AF. With Garrett being a hateful meme liker, I thought we’d get to see at least one MAGA hat for Becca to lose her sh*t over. But alas, it looks like Becca will have to find out his true colors in 3-6 months after she’s invested her time, hopes, dreams, and at least 6 Instagram photos to him just like the rest of us plebes.
Seriously though, Becca is looking at Garrett like he could say that the Parkland survivors are crisis actors and she’d still want to bang him. Oh wait…
Jason’s Hometown
Jason whisks Becca off to the sexy and exotic Buffalo, NY! Becca, you lucky b*tch! If you’ll recall, this is the nightmare Hometown date we wrote about weeks ago so my bar for this date is set somewhere around “will call the police if Becca blinks twice.”
Jason, aka the guy who is reluctant to tell this virtual stranger Becca that he’s falling for her, decides to show her how much he cares about her through a wings eating contest! A WINGS EATING CONTEST. Becca, blink once if you want to stay, twice if you need me to DM Chris Harrison and get you tf out of there.
But seriously though, a wings eating contest?? First of all, the only time I would ever participate in such a thing is alone in my home every Sunday when a new episode of Westworld drops and I’m forced to stress eat my feelings under EXTREME duress. You sure as sh*t wouldn’t catch me on live freaking television participating in this form of cruel and unusual punishment. Second of all, there’s nothing sexy about getting a chicken bone heimliched out of your windpipe. NOTHING.
Becca’s like “every time I’m with him I have the best time!” Yes, the best time and probably a newly developed case of IBS.
For the next part of their date Jason takes Becca to an abandoned ice skating rink. I’m sorry, but Jason, are you trying to make this girl your fiancé or get to third with her under the bleachers after study hall lets out? I’m genuinely worried it might be the latter.
Okay, Jason’s family seems very normal and well-adjusted. Booooo. I’m sure if Becca picks him they’ll have a fun life getting happy hour in midtown and having missionary sex with the lights turned off. But, you know, eternal happiness to you both!
Blake’s Hometown
Blake starts off his hometown by immediately reliving his glory days at the high school. Jesus Christ. There’s always one. I guess nothing turns a girl on like sticky floors and the smell of puberty, amiright Blake?
Wait did he really just say “high school is a big part of my life?” RED FLAG. Becca, slowly back away and get back in the car while there’s still time.
Blake goes into a very sad story about a school shooting, which is horrifying. Between this and his mom sleeping with the coach, I really get why they say high school is the best four years of your life.
BLAKE: But don’t worry I have some really great memories from high school too! I love high school!
ALSO BLAKE:
Blake says he has one more surprise for Becca, and I’m slightly worried this means he’s going to take her to the cafeteria and pull out his yearbook so they can over-analyze why so many people wrote “HAGS” in it.
He doesn’t do the cafeteria thing, but he does lead Becca to some sort of talent show competition taking place in the gymnasium. I’m referring to it as a talent show because I genuinely do not know who this Betty person is and there does not appear to be one single adult in this crowd other than Becca and Blake.
So do they just have a de-briefing session to teach Becca the words to every no-name artist they bring through here? #TheBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
They start making out amidst a mosh pit of teenagers, and I bet Blake really feels like the big man on campus now.
Cut to the part where Becca meets his family. Do we think the homewrecking coach will be allowed to sit at the dinner table? Or will his dad just make passive-aggressive comments about him in between making small talk with Becca? *turns up the volume*
Wait. Did Blake’s mom just say that they cried together after his last relationship? RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Becca, are you hearing this?!
Okay, I hope after that conversation with Blake’s mom Becca effing RUNS back to the Bachelor mansion. She’s like “after the breakup I had to comfort him, you know?”
ALSO BLAKE’S MOM: I was there with him through every tear. All the times he cried and and the screamed in the night.
ME:
Colton’s Hometown
Colton’s hometown is the last one, which means his family is probably batsh*t. I can’t wait for Colton to tearfully admit he’s a virgin and for his dad to laugh in his face.
Becca’s keeps saying that they have this “crazy connection” but I’m pretty sure by “connection” she means that their chemistry is 100 percent fueled by the fact that he’s seen her friend naked. Ah, romance.
Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital so ABC can exploit sick children for ratings. I would be outraged, but these kids are so freaking cute. I can’t. Seriously, this little girl and her tiny cowboy boots are stars in the making and she’s too pure for the trash I let pollute my television screen.
Okay, WHAT is Colton’s mom wearing?? I guess she took a page out of Becca’s style handbook because she showed up to tonight’s dinner wearing a shirt with paper clips holding it together as her national TV debut. This is maybe the most offensive thing I’ve seen all season, and I’ve seen Becca show up to a date in a bedazzled zebra print dress.
Colton tells his mom he’s a virgin and she looks just as doubtful about his virginity claims as I do.
Becca and the mom have some girl talk next, and I love that Becca is discussing her son’s sex life right to her face. She’s like, “I’m concerned about his intimacy with women, you know?”
ALSO BECCA: Do you think he’ll be good in bed tho?
Colton drops the “L” word on Becca right before she leaves and she looks smitten. Just like a virgin to play those mind games right before the fantasy suite. Bravo.
The Rose Ceremony
Becca claims she needs to talk things out with her girls before the rose ceremony, because these are the people that know her best. And by “best” she means “contractually obligated by ABC to be there.” Obviously.
Okay, Becca is really laying it on thick with the men here. I feel like there were multiple times throughout the season when she looked like she might quit because all the men were garbage and now she’s making it sound like she’s got the cream of the crop.
LOL. Tia is listening to all of this like, “It was supposed to BE ME!”
Tia listening to Becca talk about Colton #TheBachelerotte pic.twitter.com/lLEslQHASb
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 17, 2018
Oh my goddddd Tia is such a b*tch. She’s like “I know I said I was over Colton but that’s when I thought I was the only girl he played just the tip with.”
TIA: As your friend I want you to know that I’m into the guys you’re into and don’t want you to be with them.
ALSO TIA:
Okay, Becca, this girl is not your friend. She strategically waited until the last second to tell you she was into Colton. Revenge bang him PLEASE. I beg of you.
Speaking of the virgin who can’t drive Colton, wtf is this pep talk he’s trying to get from Chris Harrison rn? He’s like “so what exactly happens in the fantasy suite?? Because I’m nervous.”
CHRIS HARRISON:
ALSO CHRIS HARRISON: Are you asking me how to put it in? I don’t understand where this is going, son…
Damnnnn I can’t believe Becca actually cut Colton because Tia told her to!! I mean, I knew she was going to have regrets after this season, but letting little Miss Wiener, Arkansas manipulate her out of a boyfriend is a wholeeee other story.
Lol I love that Colton’s limo exit strategy is the same as mine when a racist family member gets weird at Thanksgiving: pretend to fall asleep.
Next week, Becca and the three human stock photos she’s dating are headed to Thailand! Now that the virgin is gone, I fear I’ll have to go back to mocking the sequined abominations Becca tries to pass off as fashion. I guess only time will tell!
Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); ABC (1);
If you’ve been watching The Bachelorette this season, then you know it’s been the most dramatic season ever lame AF. Literally the most interesting part of this season has been watching Cary Fetman ruin Becca’s life one sequined evening gown at a time. But shit is about to get a whole lot juicier because this just in, people: there are reports that Becca thinks she might have picked the wrong guy. In other news, the sky is blue!
This information is shocking for a lot of reasons, but mostly because if you’ll recall, at the start of this season Becca casually announced that she is in fact engaged and, like, soooo in love. Which, in hindsight, should have been a huge red fucking flag. Announcing your engagement before you’ve even watched your fiancé openly weep in front of cameras about not getting chosen for a date one week is like the equivalent of some girl posting an #MCM tribute on Instagram before finding out her boyfriend is best friends with his mom. Yeah, it was never going to last.
So, like, what went wrong? Here’s what we know: A source told Life & Style that Becca is officially “not thinking about a wedding” and “really has regrets” about the guy she chose. Apparently while we’ve been watching the moving car crash that is this season of The Bachelorette, Becca has been sneaking around behind the scenes with her new man, only to find out that she actually doesn’t know him at all. Considering the men she had to choose from were floor-shitting sex offenders, hateful meme likers, and just generally fame whores, color me SHOCKED that things aren’t working out for her.
Speaking of the flaming piles of garbage masquerading as human men, after watching this season and finding out that ABC is worse at running a background check than I am at balancing a checkbook, Becca is reportedly starting to think her instincts were off when she chose to spend the rest of her life with one of these dudes. Imagine that!
A source told Life&StyleMag.com that Becca “thought was the right choice from what she knew of him during filming” and that “he charmed her, she fell in love and she thought she could imagine forever with him.” Which, like, makes sense if you think about who her frontrunners are right now.
First, we have Garrett, who seems down-to-earth but who also likes homophobic, racist, women-hating memes in his downtime. We can’t have it all, ladies! Then there’s Colton, who I’m starting to think is trying to auction off his virginity to any person with the most Instagram followers. Jason and Blake are definitely the least disgusting of the four, but Jason looks like a used car salesman and Blake is needier than me after I post a thirst-trap picture of myself to Instagram and my ex doesn’t like it immediately. I mean, after breaking it down like that, I think I’d rather spend the rest of my life drinking $10 rose while watching The Cutting Edge: Fire & Ice over and over again than then with any of these guys, but to each their own.
The source also said that Becca “doesn’t think she had enough of an open mind with the other guys” and spent too much time being obsessed with the winner. So what I’m hearing here is BECCA YOU SHOULD HAVE PICKED WILLS YOU DUMB HOE. I’m sorry that was uncalled for, but you should have picked Wills you dumb hoe fucked up, Becs. That’s all I’ll say.
And this. I’ll just leave this here.
Next Monday is Hometowns, and I for one cannot wait to watch all the red flags Becca apparently missed as I drink cheap wine and mock her for putting herself out there from the safety of my own home. Should be a good time!
Images: Giphy (2)
