I really wanted last night’s episode of The Bachelor to be the one where Corinne like, finally explodes but it didn’t happen so I’m really sad right now. While she did do her normal shtick of sitting out of normal yet mandatory Bachelor group events like shoveling “poopie”, talking about her nanny Raquel, and threatening to beat the shit out of the mental health counselor Taylor, she actually kept her composure when the group of girls were confronting her which was really surprising. You know what wasn’t surprising? Nick coincidentally bumping into his ex on the street. Like COME ON, Bachelor producers. As Corinne would say, “I’m not an idiot, stop treating me like an idiot!!”
Rose Ceremony From Last Week
As Vanessa confronts Nick about the “Bouncy Castle Incident” she asks him really smart, justified questions to which Nick responds: …like idk
Corinne: I’m not privileged in any shape or form. Like, Raquel makes me throw out the waxing strips after she’s done giving me a Brazilian. You call that privileged?
Corinne thinks the rose ceremony is just like high school physics class where you get 20 unexcused absences.
Serious question: What’s the difference between Whitney and Astrid? They’re the same face. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Sarah: “I don’t know how the bounce house situation unfolded but I don’t think it was the best.” – Way to be a diplomat Sarah.
Corinne’s response: Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?
There’s a colonial woman in the Bachelor house—no wait, it’s Raven.
Why are they all freaking out that he gave the rose to Corinne. They all said it—she straddled him in the bouncy castle!!!
Christen leaves literally speechless like she’s at mafia funeral. Nods her head at Nick and walks out.
Then Chris Harrison walks in to tell them the good news:
Pack your bags girls, you’re going to be traveling the world… you’re going to be starting your journey to … (they’re all thinking omg where are we going, Italy? Bali?!) … WISCONSIN!
You know you’re getting cabin fever when you’re jumping up and down at the thought of going to fucking Milwaukee.
Date With Danielle L
Nick’s mom is Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday after the switch
Nick: This is where I first got dumped, unfortunately that one wasn’t televised like my last 3 have been.
I used to hang out at the library but not to read books, to make out with girls. – OKAY Nick.
I used to hook up with girls on that football field right there! – ummm, this is getting sad.
Nick talks about his exes wayyyyyy too much. Perhaps as if they never existed.
But oh wait, there’s one. Magically sitting in that window. And look, she’s already mic’ed so they can have this spontaneous sit-down!
That convo with Amber the “Ex” was super boring. She probably wasn’t even one of his exes; she was def a production assistant who was down for some screen time—but like, a PA who clearly doesn’t pay attention to the show because she said that Nick’s problem was that he can’t give all of himself to a relationship. That’s literally the opposite of his problem, AMBER. Cough Andi cough Kaitlyn cough literally anyone else he’s mentioned on the Nick Dumping Tour of Milwaukee.
And if Amber was really his ex I think we all just wanted to hear some embarrassing stories like, this one time you guys were on a date and Nick accidentally sharted and had to go home.
Side note: Nick being on The Bachelor is the greatest thing to happen to Milwaukee since they set the movie Bridesmaids here. And even then they knew it was shitty.
Danielle L. def lives for a low plunging dress. On part 2 of their date Nick asks her the hard hitting relationship questions like this one: “When was the last time you went grocery shopping in sweatpants?”
Correct answer: All the time.
Wine & Sweatpants: the only one-on-one I need. Get your Bachelor T-shirt here!
Extra yet super important side note:
Omg do you know who Danielle looks just like—TAYLOR TOWNSEND FROM THE O.C.
Group Farm Chore Date
“We’re in Wisconsin and I couldn’t be happier,” Danielle M says and she couldn’t look less happy.
“Cows are okay” – Corinne
I don’t really understand this date becasue Nick would never do this. Like, have you seen his low cut V-necks? You can’t be a farmer in those clothes.
Corinne: I don’t wanna do chores, let alone do farm chores. I wouldn’t even let Raquel do farm chores. She’s above farm chores. She works for me.
I LOVE how she calls them chores because that’s what adults tell children responsibilities are.
I totally feel Corinne, I would not be into this. Anyone who would be into this would be lying or better suited for Chris Soules. They’re like, in their nice boots stepping in cow shit.
At least I hope the date card said: Wear your shitty boots. We suggest Michael Kors.
TBH the girls only talk about Corinne because they probably have nothing else to say to Nick.
Nick can’t milk the cows so Jamie’s like “I’m bisexual I can do it.”
“Dude I need sushi” – Corinne, and all of us.
Later in the date, Nick sits down with Vanessa. She puts his legs on her, as she does, and hands him a book her students and coworkers made for her. WAIT, what? They made him a book before Vanessa knew him? As in, she asked them to make her a book of pictures of Vanessa in bikinis to give to a dude she hasn’t met yet. Fucking school teachers and their assignments.
This is the book she gave him:
“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap” – SOML, CORINNE. I need to get a needle point of that on a pillow.
“Michael Jordan took naps, Abe Lincoln took naps, Corinne takes naps.” You know that episode of Rugrats when they all go inside Chuckie, well, I’d really like to do that but with Corinne’s brain.
Kristina: I had a really hard childhood, can I tell you about it?
Nick: Maybe another time.
I don’t really understand why everyone’s like “Corinne I don’t think you’re mature enough for marriage; you have to be there for him.” Can everyone like take a fucking chill pill. If he’s going to pick her he’s going to pick her, that’s it. Whether or not you think she’s mature or not has nothing to do with it. Maybe she’ll be the perfect Insta Wife for him. Who knows, SARAH, TAYLOR, AND KRISTINA. WHO KNOWS!?
On that same note:
Corinne: “Nick and I didn’t kiss when we talked. It was all more of like an adult convo.”
Date With Raven
The date card said: Raven let’s kick it. That screams Netflix and Chill tbh.
Nick: “I’m really proud of the ladies in my life: my 12-year-old sister, and this girl I met 3 weeks ago”
It was really uncomfortable to watch Raven speak to Nick’s parents because she like, wouldn’t make eye contact with them. She would just look straight and speak to them from the side. Like a fucking Raven.
WHY IS NICK WEARING SUCH A LOW-CUT SHIRT ON THIS DATE WITH HIS SISTER?
Raven: This date was great because I could see how fucking terrible at soccer Nick was.
The point of this date was that Nick just wanted Bella to be the coolest teen at high school, obviously.
While they’re roller skating, some kid falls, Nick rides around him and screams SUCKAHHHH.
The date with Raven was like, sort of cute. I’m probably feeling that because of editing with the wise choice of music from She’s All That but whatevs, I’ll admit… it was cute.
Second Half Of Their Date:
Wait wait wait WAIT…she beat the shit out of her ex boyfriend and his mistress WHILE they were naked, with her stiletto? Like, did he have to go to the hospital?
First of all, that story was a tad graphic. “He was on top of her. Thrusting her.” Did she tell this version to her parents?
Second of all. Broke the door down. Threw her off of him. Beat him in the head with a stiletto. I mean.
If he’s turned on by it, they’re right for each other.
…But with hicks.
Nick: The more I learn about Raven I realize she’s this very interesting, sassy, borderline serial killing woman …that I love.
Okay like, what’s with all the roller skates? Where did they come from, why are they roller skating AGAIN in the museum, didn’t they have enough roller skating from all of the roller skating this entire afternoon? So many questions.
I honestly hope this Corinne vs. Taylor thing pops off. I need more drama!!!
I also love how Josephine was totally manipulating Corinne to go say something to her.
Josephine: I totally agree with you. Taylor’s a bitch. I think someone should say something.
Corinne: I’m gonna ::puts mini crescent dog in her mouth:: do it
Josephine: chew your food.
The fact that Taylor is trying to therapize Corinne just shows she’s not a very good mental health counselor. Corinne never asked for therapy. Also, you can’t tell someone with low emotional intelligence that they have low emotional intelligence, because how are they supposed to realize how unself-aware they are if they’re not self-aware to begin with, Taylor?
On that same note:
“Taylor seems to still have a problem with me, so tonight I’m gonna punch her in the face” – things people who are ready to get married say.
Alexis is like your cool camp counselor that let you sneak over to the boys’ bunk…
Alexis: My two biggest fears are aliens and Nicholas Cage — same Alexis, same.