I know you all think the devil works hard and Kris Jenner works harder, but I can now definitively say that Reality Steve works the hardest. Because this man has just spoiled what Chris Harrison has described as the unspoil-able Bachelor season. *Slow clap for Reality Steve*. That’s right, this week the Godfather of reality TV spoilers finally got the confirmation he needed to reveal which Kappa Kappa Gamma social chair our precious Pachi is going to choose! See, 2020 isn’t so bad, after all!
Now, I don’t think it really needs to be said again because I’ve used the word spoiler an absurd amount of times so far, but to those of you not really paying attention because you’re recovering from the seven vodka sodas you drank last night when you went out for “just one drink,” the rest of this article WILL TELL YOU how The Bachelor ends. So if you don’t want to know, get the f*ck out. I don’t need any death threats in the comments, I already get enough of those from my family group chat. We’re not like Madison’s family, we don’t pass a plate around to compliment each other, we pass it around to smash on each other’s heads. So, with that, let’s take a look at how this all ends for our Bachelor.
Somewhere in the world right now, Peter is tormenting Madison with yet another salsa dance while he makes her beans and rice from a can and calls it “moro,” correcting her pronunciation each time. Here’s how it goes down: Madison leaves the show before the final rose ceremony. Peter then cancels that rose ceremony and doesn’t pick anyone. He goes home, pursues Madi, and eventually she gets over the fact that his dick was recently inside the girl featured prominently on her laundry detergent, and takes him back. They are currently dating but not engaged. Why do I get the feeling that since they’re not on The Bachelor anymore, those airplane hangar dinners have turned into dates at the Auntie Anne’s in Newark Airport’s Terminal A? I’m right, right?
Reality Steve also thinks that Peter is going to propose to Madi on After the Final Rose, which is how Chris Harrison is getting away with saying “Even Peter doesn’t know how it ends!” Which makes sense, because if Peter doesn’t know who he’s with right now I think that golf cart injury caused a much larger problem than just a gaping head wound that not even TV makeup could keep from looking like a vagina on his forehead.
chris harrison: not even peter knows how this season ends…
me: #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/Kua8bodZju
— riley!! (@frenchfryley) March 3, 2020
Now, there was a bit of excitement after Reality Steve posted his final spoiler because apparently what happens in this finale is more heavily guarded than a cruise ship filled with coronavirus. In the aftermath of his spoiler, he tweeted this:
Just gonna put this out there. Since my post this morning, I’ve been on my phone non stop. Plenty of things being said. The whole thing is a mess. Being told so many different things now. Original sources sticking by what they said. New sources saying that’s not it. It’s madness!
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) March 5, 2020
So, what does that mean, Steve?!?! I’ve got a deadline and I can only pretend to be looking for GIFs for my real job for so long before my boss starts to catch on. Nothing I work on in corporate America requires a short video of Kristen Wiig miming a blow job! So I’m going to give you a very professional line I obviously learned from People magazine: as of press time (lol), Reality Steve has not changed his spoiler so we’re going with it. Madison is the winner. Sorry, I mean Madison is the lucky recent college graduate who gets to spend the rest of her life with the black stain on Delta’s reputation.
Unfortunately, this means that the theories I wrote about earlier this season have been proven false. Shall we revisit a few of them for a little fun?
No One Is Pregnant
This theory was recently revived by the fact that Kelley wasn’t at the Women Tell All taping. Kelley stans claim that’s because she got pregnant with Peter’s child during their hotel encounter in August. How romantic! But let’s not pretend like Peter isn’t one to prematurely ejaculate in a bathroom stall during their first sexual encounter, okay? Reality Steve says Kelley is not pregnant, and I’m inclined to agree. If she was, she would be seven months along right now! ABC would never be able to resist a Beyoncé-style reveal at the WTA; she would have definitely been invited. Plus, if any girl on this show was trying to get pregnant to trap our lead, don’t you think it would be someone who is, say, a “content creator”, rather than a lawyer? Exactly.
He Does Not End Up With a Producer
The producers of The Bachelor are all bound by a blood oath and a coven of 100 witches to never turn against ABC, never f*ck a lead, and to receive 35k a year as payment for ruining contestants’ lives (and then devise a segment on how bad bullying is). So this was never going to happen. My condolences to all of you poor, innocent souls that bought this one. I hope you’ll be more cynical next time.
Hannah Brown Does Not Come Back
Much to our Bachelor recapper’s dismay, Hannah Brown will not be returning to steal Peter’s heart. She thought about it, but then she saw the pus oozing out of his stitches and immediately demanded that the historic windmill in which they banged (four times!) be destroyed and found a doctor to perform the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure on her. She is now living in bliss with no memory of Peter, off to dance her ass off on tour with a more lucrative ABC show.
And there is your final Bachelor spoiler of the season! I’m looking forward to being chained to my couch for four hours next week to watch something play out exactly as I know it will! I’ll see you all there. Bring me wine!
Images: Francisco Roman / ABC; shesallbach, kelleyflanagan, 747flyr, enews/instagram; realitysteve, frenchfryley/Twitter
Before I get started straying from my normal Betches career content to talking about something that a c t u a l l y blew my mind, I have to tell you: this article has A LOT of spoilers. I literally didn’t think my brain could handle any more celeb drama this week with the whole Khloé/Tristan thing, but deep in the artifacts of Reality Steve, I discovered something juicy AF. And I just have to share.
Take this as your official spoiler alert. If you’re one of those people who genuinely wants to be surprised during the final rose ceremony, welp, don’t keep reading. I won’t be offended. I’m just not one of those people. But you can’t come crying to me in the comments since I have given you fair warning!
It was a normal Monday night. I was sitting down with a glass of wine texting my friend group chat (coincidentally called Bachelor Betches—I’m not kidding). It was hour two of The Bachelor, which is also the time where I run out of posts in my Instagram feed and wonder why I spend so many hours of my week obsessing over this show.
For some reason, I decided to check Reality Steve. If I’m being totally honest, I checked Reality Steve in NOVEMBER to see who won Colton’s season of The Bachelor and saw that Colton and Cassie were engaged (this post). I thought this would allow me to relax and enjoy the season, without any suspense at all. The end.
Buuuuut, I was getting to my wit’s end of the incessant girl fighting that was ensuing on this week’s show, I decided to read the episode-by-episode spoilers. In what seemed like ten years later, I got to page 4 of the post when I came across something new.
(allegedly) COLTON DOESN’T GET ENGAGED AT THE END OF THE BACHELOR.
Reality Steve states, “Cassie got cold feet…and realized she wasn’t ready to be engaged yet. She told him this and essentially left the show…he still ended things with Hannah G. without even taking her on their overnight date. Ended things with Tayshia as well, and essentially ended filming at that point. So there will be no final three rose ceremony and no final rose ceremony.”
Tayshia @ Cassie & Caelynn #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/4NffadSUDp
— ??????????? (@kayyorkcity) February 19, 2019
OMG. Is that even allowed in Bachelor world? I thought they were locked up at the mercy of producers forever and had to stay in mystical Bachelor land until someone says, “Can I walk you out?”
It gets better. According to Reality Steve, after Colton realizes Cassie is “the one” he chases after her and meets her back at home. My heart. Like, I never thought I’d say this but I legit love him as the Bachelor. He totally could have stayed for one of the other two girls for optics’ sake. There haven’t been any new romcoms for me to watch on Netflix and Colton just comes in here, strolling along, creating one on our TV screen. How flipping cute.
According to Reality Steve, they are dating now and not engaged, which is COMPLETELY reasonable as a couple that’s only known each other for two months.
Now I will say Reality Steve isn’t ALWAYS right. So I did some of my own digging…and I have to say I think there’s some legitimacy to this timeline. Here’s why:
The Ring Box Is Empty During The Season Preview
There is no ring. I REPEAT THERE IS NO RING IN THAT BOX!!! #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/YY6c8tQegf
— dani keegan (@Keegs_2015) February 12, 2019
During the end of the season preview, you can see Colton open an EMPTY ring box, HINTING at the fact that he doesn’t get engaged. Is ABC trying to trick us? Or is this some serious foreshadowing!?
The Past Few Bachelor/Bachelorettes Have Announced That They Were Engaged Before The Season Even Started
I distinctly remember most other Bachelor and Bachelorettes announcing that they were engaged before the season even started (i.e. Rachel, Becca, and even Arie!). Yet, Colton doesn’t seem to have said that once! Jimmy Kimmel, who often predicts the shows ending, even says he “ends up with Cassie” and not “he is engaged to Cassie”. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it sure seems like this is the case!
ABC Is Shadily Foreshadowing This
There has been a two-week build-up (that feels like a 10-year build-up!) to having girls tell Colton, “someone in the house is not ready to be engaged”. In fact, it’s been the cause of what feels like all the girl drama this season! I know ABC has tons of footage, I mean TONS. Doesn’t it seem coincidental for them to be picking up this storyline if it is actually that Colton’s first choice is actually not ready to be engaged?! Seems like a perfect tee up to me!
Colton Still Has Not Jumped The Fence
Look—we all know Colton is athletic. But they’ve been showing the preview of the fencing jumping incident for months now. I have to think that that moment is going to be at the MOST DRAMATIC (insert Chris Harrison’s voice here) point in the season. In other words, I think Colton’s going to jump the fence when Cassie heads home, and then he pulls the plug on the entire show. Furthermore, it’s also dark outside when Colton jumps the fence, which supports Reality Steve’s whole “overnight date fence jumping” theory.
Is it just me, or has no one has talked about this!? Did they just not have the time (clearly I have nothing better to do) to get to Page 4 of Reality Steve’s article? Is ABC paying them to stay silent? Is (like every good news story) Kris Jenner behind this?! Or, am I BASICALLY NANCY DREW? Or like, the equivalent of Nancy Drew who finds what someone else already found—but you know what I mean.
How does he get Cassie back? Will they get engaged on ATFR?! Can you tell I’m addicted to this show?!
Either way, I kind of love this season and Colton. I never thought I’d say that but I legit do and I can’t wait to see what happens.
Do you think this prediction is right?! Comment below!