And like that, the most boring season of The Bachelor ended just as quickly as Nick Viall’s post-Dancing With The Stars career. It’s so sad. Almost.
RAVEN MEETS THE FAM
We begin the episode with Raven, who has no idea that despite the fact that the other woman in the equation has spent literally every second of every one of her dates fighting with Nick, she is not the frontrunner and the entire audience knows it.
Raven: I think Nick really likes me! This is going well.
Narrator/The Universe: It was not, in fact, going well.
Raven gets to meet Nick’s family for the second time, and does all the things one normally does when meeting someone’s family on a reality dating show. She toasts “to family” and tells everybody who can listen that she’s in love with Nick.
Raven: I feel really great about mine and Nick’s relationship. I am in love with him. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.
Nick’s Dad: How do you think Nick feels?
Raven: ……………..
Most importantly, she gets in good with Nick’s little sister Bella, who will now learn the hard way that nobody gives a fuck what a 12-year-old girl has to say about anything.
Nick’s Mom: After meeting Raven, she just seems like such an honest, true person. I just can’t imagine her hurting anybody.
Me, Three Champagnes Deep: Lol yeah except that dude she stabbed with a shoe.
VANESSA MEETS THE FAM
Then Raven fucks off pretty fast so that the audience can be treated to 30 full minutes of Vanessa’s bullshit as she meets Nick’s family and somehow manages to turn a delightful dinner into a full-on Viall family cry-fest, so at least we finally understand why Nick cries so fucking much. It’s a genetic thing.
Vanessa starts out strong by telling Nick’s family about the time that she puked on him, which she is able to Kellyanne Conway-style spin into a beautiful love story.
Vanessa: And then, I vomited on him.
Nick’s Dad: Wow, I’m crying.
Nick’s Mom: I am also crying.
Nick: I have been crying for three weeks straight.
Bella: Where is Raven?
Vanessa, who has repeatedly said she’s never watched a full season of The Bachelor, then reveals to each parent that she’s not sure if she wants to get engaged and give up her weekly Sunday spaghetti festival with the fam, which would be cool if “getting engaged” wasn’t kind of the entire fucking point of the show. Like, did Vanessa not know that she lived in Canada before applying to be on The Bachelor? She seems to be genuinely confused about the whole immigrating to the U.S. thing. Though, in her defense, that whole process is a bit more complicated these days.
Also, did anybody else know that Nick and his dad have the same crying face? Because they totally do.
NICK & VANESSA’S DATE
We then segue right into Nick and Vanessa’s date, where Nick manages to do the impossible yet again: pick a date that’s somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one (which, if you’ll recall, was the Ice Bucket Challenge). Because after a segment of Vanessa and Nick crying, the audience was obviously hungry for more.
And by “more,” of course, I mean “Santa,” because that’s what Nick and Vanessa’s date is. Meeting Santa.
Why Santa? Why now? Why does this Santa live in such a tiny house with no reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Clause to be found? Why does this Santa have such a deep, sultry voice? Why is Vanessa sitting so close to Santa? She’s kind of all over him? Now she’s all over Nick? Are Nick and Vanessa going to have a 3-way with this Santa? Is Nick going to CHOOSE SANTA?!?
Sadly, none of these questions are answered—I maintain that the three of them did hookup off camera—but the Santa does bestow upon them his blessing and the gift of a wood carving.
Santa: Here is a wood carving. It says “Niko and Venla” and it will bring you happiness and fertility.
Vanessa: Umm…I specifically asked you for an iPhone?
NICK & RAVEN’S DATE
Okay, thank God, Raven is back. And oh look, they’re going on a normal date for normal individuals, aka ice skating. A little bit high school but, hey, at least there isn’t a random sexually charged Santa involved. Also, given the amount of snow and ice everywhere, both of them need at least three more layers, a hundred scarves, and to zip their fucking coats up. The mom in me was losing my shit watching these two slowly develop pneumonia.
Raven and Nick have what looks to be a legitimately fun time ice skating. Nobody cries. Not even Raven when Nick tries to recreate their mud makeout sesh by plopping her ass down on the cold AF ice and attacking her face.
Sidebar to Raven: In the future, you can totally tell dudes you don’t want to make out on top of a pile of ice. You are a strong 25-year-old woman who has had (maybe) one orgasm in her life and you deserve to make out at a reasonable temperature. #Feminism.
Nick then does something that literally every girl has dreamed of seeing on a date and reveals that there have been puppies here the whole time. Why Raven didn’t just take the puppies and bolt at that moment I’ll seriously never know, but instead she spends her final moments letting Nick know that she, unlike Vanessa, is a U.S. citizen with no outstanding Sunday commitments and is totally DTGE—Down To Get Engaged.
THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
As soon as we see the end of Raven’s sparkly-ass I-think-I’m-at-the-Met-gala dress coming out of the limo, all our suspicions are confirmed: Nick is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and for that reason he has chosen a life of fighting with Vanessa over an eternity with Raven in (possibly faked) orgasmic bliss.
Raven handles her rejection like a boss, doing something that very few Bachelor contestants have ever managed to do and just shutting the fuck up for the entirety of her rejection. Unlike her now-ex boyfriend, Raven doesn’t even fucking cry. She just stares at him with a look that says “I would beat the shit out of you with my stiletto if there weren’t so many cameras on me rn.”
Then Nick shoves Raven into a limo without her coat, so that she can get her cold ass out of Finland and start getting ready for BiP where she belongs.
Cue Vanessa, who also opted for sparkles paired with a fur coat. Wonder if she’ll get to keep hers.
Vanessa arrives and tells Nick how, despite her thinking he’d “never notice her,” he actually “noticed every part” of her, which I consider a confirmation of the whole Santa-threeway theory.
Nick finally proposes to Vanessa who, after a very long and drawn-out voice over where she describes not wanting to accept Nick’s proposal if he’s “only doing it to put a ring on her finger”, immediately accepts his proposal and allows him to put a ring on her finger.
So what is the lesson that we learned here, betches? It is totally okay to be annoying AF and constantly pick fights with your boyfriend, you can even throw up in his face on your first date, just so long as you back that shit up by looking amazing in a high-cut blue onepiece. How fucking sweet.
Continue on to our After The Final Rose recap here!
Luke Pell, the war vet singer-songwriter who, for reasons we will never understand, was passed over as The Bachelor this season in favor of turtleneck crybaby Nick Viall, may have found love on his own with one of Nick’s own girls! Danielle L, who spent the first couple of episodes of Nick’s season as a potential frontrunner until Nick realized she was boring AF and sent her home immediately after she told him she loved him (ouch) and Luke are apparently dating now, and they didn’t even need a trip to the BIP island to make it happen. But before you lose it over the fact that you and Luke will never be together now, things are not that serious. I mean, you prob still don’t have a chance with Luke or anyting, but he’s not fully taken.
According to an interview he did with US magazine, he and Danielle L are still in the hanging out phase of their relationship, which in layman’s terms means they’re just hooking up right now. Luke told US that he still considers himself single (does Danielle know that?) and that he’s “just trying to get to know people and try to take everything slow.” All of this is particularly awkward when you consider that at least some of Nick’s contestants had come into the show thinking The Bachelor would be Luke, since casting pulled the plug and switched to Nick (whywhywhywhy) just hours Luke was supposed to board a flight to L.A. and start dating 30 women at once. Everyone—even the casting department—thought that Luke was going to be The Bachelor, which begs the question, did Danielle L come for Nick, or Luke?
According to that same interview, after the Pell-Viall switch was made, casting had to reach out to all the girls to see who would stay given that their bachelor had now changed from a West Point graduate war vet with the voice of an angel to someone who once said the phrase “If you weren’t in love with me I’m just not sure why you made love with me?” on national television as if he’s never heard of horniness his life. After the girls who didn’t GAF who The Bachelor was because the whole point was to be on television anyway were selected, casting had to then find new girls who specifically wanted to date Nick Viall and at least one mental health counselor for support.
So which was Danielle, a fame whore who is down to date anyone as long as it means TV time, or a complete lunatic who would actually volunteer to date Nick Viall in front of millions of people? I guess we’ll never know, but a word to the wise Danielle, do not tell Luke you love him after two dates. That shit does not go well.
I really wanted last night’s episode of The Bachelor to be the one where Corinne like, finally explodes but it didn’t happen so I’m really sad right now. While she did do her normal shtick of sitting out of normal yet mandatory Bachelor group events like shoveling “poopie”, talking about her nanny Raquel, and threatening to beat the shit out of the mental health counselor Taylor, she actually kept her composure when the group of girls were confronting her which was really surprising. You know what wasn’t surprising? Nick coincidentally bumping into his ex on the street. Like COME ON, Bachelor producers. As Corinne would say, “I’m not an idiot, stop treating me like an idiot!!”
Rose Ceremony From Last Week
As Vanessa confronts Nick about the “Bouncy Castle Incident” she asks him really smart, justified questions to which Nick responds: …like idk
Corinne: I’m not privileged in any shape or form. Like, Raquel makes me throw out the waxing strips after she’s done giving me a Brazilian. You call that privileged?
Corinne thinks the rose ceremony is just like high school physics class where you get 20 unexcused absences.
Serious question: What’s the difference between Whitney and Astrid? They’re the same face. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Sarah: “I don’t know how the bounce house situation unfolded but I don’t think it was the best.” – Way to be a diplomat Sarah.
Corinne’s response: Why are Taylor and Sarah so obsessed with me?
There’s a colonial woman in the Bachelor house—no wait, it’s Raven.
Why are they all freaking out that he gave the rose to Corinne. They all said it—she straddled him in the bouncy castle!!!
Christen leaves literally speechless like she’s at mafia funeral. Nods her head at Nick and walks out.
Then Chris Harrison walks in to tell them the good news:
Pack your bags girls, you’re going to be traveling the world… you’re going to be starting your journey to … (they’re all thinking omg where are we going, Italy? Bali?!) … WISCONSIN!
You know you’re getting cabin fever when you’re jumping up and down at the thought of going to fucking Milwaukee.
Date With Danielle L
Nick’s mom is Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday after the switch
Nick: This is where I first got dumped, unfortunately that one wasn’t televised like my last 3 have been.
I used to hang out at the library but not to read books, to make out with girls. – OKAY Nick.
I used to hook up with girls on that football field right there! – ummm, this is getting sad.
Nick talks about his exes wayyyyyy too much. Perhaps as if they never existed.
But oh wait, there’s one. Magically sitting in that window. And look, she’s already mic’ed so they can have this spontaneous sit-down!
That convo with Amber the “Ex” was super boring. She probably wasn’t even one of his exes; she was def a production assistant who was down for some screen time—but like, a PA who clearly doesn’t pay attention to the show because she said that Nick’s problem was that he can’t give all of himself to a relationship. That’s literally the opposite of his problem, AMBER. Cough Andi cough Kaitlyn cough literally anyone else he’s mentioned on the Nick Dumping Tour of Milwaukee.
And if Amber was really his ex I think we all just wanted to hear some embarrassing stories like, this one time you guys were on a date and Nick accidentally sharted and had to go home.
Side note: Nick being on The Bachelor is the greatest thing to happen to Milwaukee since they set the movie Bridesmaids here. And even then they knew it was shitty.
Danielle L. def lives for a low plunging dress. On part 2 of their date Nick asks her the hard hitting relationship questions like this one: “When was the last time you went grocery shopping in sweatpants?”
Correct answer: All the time.
Wine & Sweatpants: the only one-on-one I need. Get your Bachelor T-shirt here!
Extra yet super important side note:
Omg do you know who Danielle looks just like—TAYLOR TOWNSEND FROM THE O.C.
Group Farm Chore Date
“We’re in Wisconsin and I couldn’t be happier,” Danielle M says and she couldn’t look less happy.
“Cows are okay” – Corinne
I don’t really understand this date becasue Nick would never do this. Like, have you seen his low cut V-necks? You can’t be a farmer in those clothes.
Corinne: I don’t wanna do chores, let alone do farm chores. I wouldn’t even let Raquel do farm chores. She’s above farm chores. She works for me.
I LOVE how she calls them chores because that’s what adults tell children responsibilities are.
I totally feel Corinne, I would not be into this. Anyone who would be into this would be lying or better suited for Chris Soules. They’re like, in their nice boots stepping in cow shit.
At least I hope the date card said: Wear your shitty boots. We suggest Michael Kors.
TBH the girls only talk about Corinne because they probably have nothing else to say to Nick.
Nick can’t milk the cows so Jamie’s like “I’m bisexual I can do it.”
“Dude I need sushi” – Corinne, and all of us.
Later in the date, Nick sits down with Vanessa. She puts his legs on her, as she does, and hands him a book her students and coworkers made for her. WAIT, what? They made him a book before Vanessa knew him? As in, she asked them to make her a book of pictures of Vanessa in bikinis to give to a dude she hasn’t met yet. Fucking school teachers and their assignments.
This is the book she gave him:
“I didn’t mean to offend anyone by taking that nap” – SOML, CORINNE. I need to get a needle point of that on a pillow.
“Michael Jordan took naps, Abe Lincoln took naps, Corinne takes naps.” You know that episode of Rugrats when they all go inside Chuckie, well, I’d really like to do that but with Corinne’s brain.
Kristina: I had a really hard childhood, can I tell you about it?
Nick: Maybe another time.
I don’t really understand why everyone’s like “Corinne I don’t think you’re mature enough for marriage; you have to be there for him.” Can everyone like take a fucking chill pill. If he’s going to pick her he’s going to pick her, that’s it. Whether or not you think she’s mature or not has nothing to do with it. Maybe she’ll be the perfect Insta Wife for him. Who knows, SARAH, TAYLOR, AND KRISTINA. WHO KNOWS!?
On that same note:
Corinne: “Nick and I didn’t kiss when we talked. It was all more of like an adult convo.”
Date With Raven
The date card said: Raven let’s kick it. That screams Netflix and Chill tbh.
Nick: “I’m really proud of the ladies in my life: my 12-year-old sister, and this girl I met 3 weeks ago”
It was really uncomfortable to watch Raven speak to Nick’s parents because she like, wouldn’t make eye contact with them. She would just look straight and speak to them from the side. Like a fucking Raven.
WHY IS NICK WEARING SUCH A LOW-CUT SHIRT ON THIS DATE WITH HIS SISTER?
Raven: This date was great because I could see how fucking terrible at soccer Nick was.
The point of this date was that Nick just wanted Bella to be the coolest teen at high school, obviously.
While they’re roller skating, some kid falls, Nick rides around him and screams SUCKAHHHH.
The date with Raven was like, sort of cute. I’m probably feeling that because of editing with the wise choice of music from She’s All That but whatevs, I’ll admit… it was cute.
Second Half Of Their Date:
Wait wait wait WAIT…she beat the shit out of her ex boyfriend and his mistress WHILE they were naked, with her stiletto? Like, did he have to go to the hospital?
First of all, that story was a tad graphic. “He was on top of her. Thrusting her.” Did she tell this version to her parents?
Second of all. Broke the door down. Threw her off of him. Beat him in the head with a stiletto. I mean.
If he’s turned on by it, they’re right for each other.
…But with hicks.
Nick: The more I learn about Raven I realize she’s this very interesting, sassy, borderline serial killing woman …that I love.
Okay like, what’s with all the roller skates? Where did they come from, why are they roller skating AGAIN in the museum, didn’t they have enough roller skating from all of the roller skating this entire afternoon? So many questions.
Rose Ceremony
I honestly hope this Corinne vs. Taylor thing pops off. I need more drama!!!
I also love how Josephine was totally manipulating Corinne to go say something to her.
Josephine: I totally agree with you. Taylor’s a bitch. I think someone should say something.
Corinne: I’m gonna ::puts mini crescent dog in her mouth:: do it
Josephine: chew your food.
The fact that Taylor is trying to therapize Corinne just shows she’s not a very good mental health counselor. Corinne never asked for therapy. Also, you can’t tell someone with low emotional intelligence that they have low emotional intelligence, because how are they supposed to realize how unself-aware they are if they’re not self-aware to begin with, Taylor?
On that same note:
“Taylor seems to still have a problem with me, so tonight I’m gonna punch her in the face” – things people who are ready to get married say.
Alexis is like your cool camp counselor that let you sneak over to the boys’ bunk…
Alexis: My two biggest fears are aliens and Nicholas Cage — same Alexis, same.
Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was full of shocking twists and revelations, specifically of Corinne’s boobs (again), and Nick revealing to the contestants that he did indeed have sex with Liz, which leads to the question of whether Nick has ever had sex and then NOT informed 20 million people about it (if you’re that lucky girl, pls email us, we have a spot on the podcast for you).
End Of Last Cocktail Hour
It’s kind of unfortunate that Nick has to make this long-winded speech about the Liz situation because having to talk for so long at once means he’s no longer able to hide his lisp anymore. Tho thad!
He pretends he’s not into Liz because she “couldn’t answer his questions” about why she came here when we all know that’s just code for “been there done that saved the condom wrapper.”
Nick: If you have any questions about the Liz situation I’m holding office hours at the end of this rose ceremony. Thx. Lmk.
What is this horrendous tie, Nick? That’s the real crime here, not lying about sleeping with Liz.
Hailey: OMG I missed you so much it’s like so hard not seeing you for so long.
Nick: Yeah definitely but also what’s your name?
Random girl: I’m willing to overlook that Nick had sex with Liz, but if he does it with any other girls I’m out.
::Cue Corinne’s naked ass::
Corinne: I really feel a connection with Nick and can see a serious future together
Inner Corinne: Take your top off.
I love how the producers try to hide the Reddi Whip label probably because they refused to pay half a million to sponsor this hot fucking mess of a show.
Nick: I love that Corinne seems really comfortable with her body and really comfortable with showing me her tits.
Nick then leaves Corinne to talk with Jasmine and plays it like, really cool and casual: Ah well good seeing you. Talk to you later, Jobin.
Ditching the rose ceremony to PTFO is actually the most bad-ass move Corinne has made all season. I love it. Not gonna lie, I’m a little jeal of her sleeping habits.
Girl who didn’t get rose: I guess you have to be a little vulnerable to allow people to love you
Me: Fuck.
Catty Bitches Chilling In Bach House Time
Chris Harrison comes down to announce the date in his flannel shirt and might as well be wearing a sign around his neck that says CAN’T BE BOTHERED.
Alexis sounds so much like Sammi Sweetheart it’s ridiculous. She’s going to be perfect on Bachelor in Paradise.
Corinne reveals to the other girls that she still has a nanny, setting herself up for the ultimate blackmail to make her sound like the least wife material possible.
“Raquel keeps my life together. She makes sure my bed is made and makes my cucumber salad for lunch and cheese and then she slips in a Frozen DVD and I have my nap and that’s like a full day at the office for me!”
Is Raquel casually the new Dorota?
“I had to do some big girl stuff” – says owner of “multi-million dollar company.”
“Washing my clothes makes Raquel happy, and I’m not gonna stop a woman’s happiness” – That’s called a paycheck Corinne, clearly a thing you’ve never received.
Can’t wait for next year when Corinne comes on our podcast and irrationally defends having a nanny at age 24 and claims it was editing that made her look bad.
“Danielle L is beautiful but not much more” – Corinne. You know that saying about how the thing you criticize in other people is actually what’s wrong with you? Yeah.
Backstreet Boys Group Date
I can’t believe the Backstreet Boys agreed to be on this show. My 5th grade self is really ashamed of how far they’ve fallen. On the bright side, at least the girls actually get to give a shit about the performer and don’t have to pretend like they do every season.
I guess Backstreet Over-the-Hill Middle Aged Men doesn’t really have the same ring to it.
Remember when Nick Carter was the Justin Bieber of 2003? Is Justin Bieber going to be a week 3 group date in 2027?
Corinne: Planned dancing isn’t really my thing. I’m a woman of the pole.
Corinne: I’m not a crybaby like when all the attention’s not on me I’m not gonna cry
Corinne: *Goes in bathroom and cries*
Date With Vanessa
Okay so this date looks legit so fun and also Vanessa is a Penelope Cruz doppelgänger who is way too good for Nick.
Vanessa says she has to puke so Nick takes the comforting approach of lightly scratching at her neck like a cat. This is why I don’t do dates. See:
Get your very own Bachelor tee here, duh.
I can’t believe he kissed her post-puke sesh. Desperado mucho?
Vanessa: It was awkward but he didn’t want to leave my side – what was he going to do, jump out of the plane?
V, don’t desecrate the memory of your grandfather by suggesting he would have really wanted you to go on The Bachelor.
Group Date 2
Sarah, what’s it like to be a grade school teacher on this show? Also how do you take off 4 months from your classroom? That’s just bad teaching.
Rachel’s so pretty and normal. WTF is she doing here?
“I had a pretty tough breakup with Dominique as it was also the first time I spoke to her so like, doubly uncomfortable convo.” As a fourth-timer on this show you would think Nick would know you can’t use the “our relationship won’t be able to catch up” excuse until at least week 6.
Pool Party
Chris Harrison: Nick has decided that he needs to see everyone’s tits one last time before the next rose ceremony so we are going to get rid of the cocktail ceremony and replace it with a pool party.
Nick: I love that Corinne is fun and playful. I hope my future wife is fun and playful and topless too!
…Yeah Corinne would make a great wife if you decided to move to Puerto Vallarta and get married at Señor Frogs.
Raven: Listen Nick, Corinne has a nanny.
Nick: Sick, do you have one too? New bar has been set.
Raven: She can’t even wash a spoon.
Nick: Yes but does she give good head?
Vanessa then decides to tell Nick the fuck off right before a very underwhelming cliffhanger.
Vanessa: I see you riding her
Nick: I mean… that’s fair.
Vanessa: Are you looking for a wife or are you looking to fuck?
Nick: Bothesies
