Well, betches, we are back for yet another week of The Bachelor, or as I like to call it these days, What New And Exciting Personality Will Queen Victoria Develop Next? Truly, it’s thrilling to consider.
Last week, we watched Victoria pull the single greatest PR stunt since Kris Jenner turned a sex tape into a billion-dollar career. She managed to not only redeem her middle school bully status within the house (while still looking and acting like the hungover raccoon she’s always been) but she also managed to make the girl with the dying dad into look worse than Ted Bundy. I’ve never seen such a thing take place in this franchise. I mean, Victoria looks like someone better suited to be cussing out a gas attendant at a WaWa. She shouldn’t be able to hold any sway over these ladies and their reputations! Make it make sense!
KRIS JENNER WATCHING QUEEN V DESTROY SARAH FROM HER LIVING ROOM, ALREADY ON HER SECOND BOTTLE OF CHARDONNAY:
I will say, every week Victoria looks more and more beat up. Like, why does she look like she just escaped the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Has Harry Potter destroyed one of her horcruxes or something? What’s really going on here?
The rest of the group date from last week (because, yes, we still have to finish out a group date) goes about as well as can be expected. Matt looks like he would rather be in a dark room listening to “Drivers License” and sniffing Sarah’s pillow, but he manages to muster up a small amount of energy to show up for the rest of the ladies. The way he puts it is that this is HIS journey, and he’s not going to let anyone ruin it for him. I believe he stole that line directly from an episode of My Super Sweet 16 when Ava’s dad refused to import foreign male models to act as eye candy for the occasion. It has the same energy, does it not?
MATT SOLDIERING ON THROUGH HIS BACHELOR JOURNEY:
The only stand-out moment from the evening comes in the form of Chelsea, or as the viewers back home know her: the bald hottie. I know that came out a little callous, but I meant it with all the kindness in my heart (or at least whatever’s left in there that hasn’t completely festered). Chelsea is STUNNING, y’all. I mean I know she’s a model, but still. Matt definitely agrees with my findings because instead of listening to Chelsea deep dive into her complicated relationship with her hair as a Black woman in a white society, he’s trying to see how far he can slip that hand up her thigh. Matthew! Hands!!!
The Rose Ceremony
We get a rose ceremony almost immediately, and the women are weirdly optimistic. They seem to think that Sarah was the only thing standing between them and their happy ending with Matt, as if there are not 18 other women still competing for his heart on this show. This feeling is only reinforced when every single girl in the house says they’re excited to get their time with Matt tonight. Look ladies, optimism has no place on this show. The minute you show an ounce of happiness, production will be there ready and willing to burn down your childhood home if it means they can get some waterworks out of you to up their ratings. Don’t be so naïve!
Going into the rose ceremony, Victoria proclaims that she just needs a few minutes alone with Matt to solidify their relationship. Honestly, I think she’s going about this all wrong. The less she speaks to him, the more likely she is to survive another rose ceremony. Nose to the ground, honey! Nose. to. the. ground.
HAHAHAHAHA stop. Did Chris Harrison just break up their conversation by asking to steal Matt for a sec? Watch out, Chris. You don’t know what Queen Victoria is capable of; better sleep with one eye open.
WHAT. WHATTTTT. NEW GIRLS ARE COMING TO THE HOUSE? Is this even legal? Also, Matt does not look excited about this at all. He was already barely holding off a coup before this, now he’ll be lucky to escape his season with both his eyebrows after this development.
CHRIS HARRISON: We’re bringing in more new women for you, Matt! Isn’t that exciting, buddy?
MATT:
The girls are coming in by the truckload, and Matt looks like he has seen less carnage on a football field during rivals week than what he’s about to witness when he walks back into that rose ceremony. I mean, how is he going to explain Brittany’s presence without being immediately drawn and quartered by the women? She walks in and tells him she wants to “make up for last time” and then shoves her tongue down his throat. BRITTANY! She might as well have slipped a condom into his wallet while she was at it.
Anna is acting like she’s heard alllll about Brittany because they both live in Chicago, but isn’t Chicago home to like, millions of people? Like, do you know her or did she just show up on your explore page on Instagram? Be honest here.
Meanwhile, Chris looks very unperturbed that his lead is about to be mauled alive by a pack of rabid former beauty queens. They’ve done nothing this quarantine but perfect their Keto diets, Chris! They’ve been training for this!! Does he not realize that this room is about to be a mess of hair extensions and blood??
Speaking of body counts, here’s who gets eliminated at the rose ceremony:
- Khaylah
- Kaili
- Kim (the lone new girl to get sent home)
I’m shocked that four out of the five new girls who showed up tonight got roses. They didn’t even get to sit in on a full rose ceremony! They probably spent longer with the med team getting nasal swabbed for a COVID test than they have with Matt James! So, I guess when Matt said earlier that this was “HIS journey” he really meant “HIS journey with the hottest women on this show.” That’s the only reason I can think of for why he would keep complete strangers on this show.
The Group Date
I guess the producers could tell Matt was scared for his life, because they bring in Ben Higgins to put some pep in his step. For those of you who don’t know, Ben Higgins is a former Bachelor and the first to ever say “I love you” to two different women in a season. Why ABC continues to give this guy any airtime is beyond me. It’s not like this process worked for him. He met his fiancée by sliding into her DMs. To be a fly on the wall when they tell their kids their love story started with Daddy sending Mommy a message that said, “your Instagram makes me so horny, can I get your number?” If People doesn’t cover this in their wedding exclusive, they’re crazy!
The group date this week involves some sort of fall-themed obstacle course that looks like it was thought up after someone ate too many edibles and watched a marathon of Gilmore Girls. Of course Victoria treats the entire spectacle like it’s her own personal civil war. For christ’s sake, Victoria, this isn’t the “Bad Blood” music video, they just told you to wear a squirrel suit!
HOW VICTORIA THINKS SHE LOOKS ON THIS GROUP DATE: 
HOW SHE ACTUALLY LOOKS ON THIS GROUP DATE: 
Honestly, this is horrifying. They just told these women—women who are gainfully employed and presumably have college degrees, or at least very rich fathers—to carry those acorns in their mouths like baby squirrels. Ladies, this is not what we marched for!
No one is worse behaved on this date than Anna. And she is terrifying. I’ll be seeing those chompers of hers in my nightmares, I swear. Anna starts a rumor that Brittany is an escort. I think she actually says that Brittany “entertains men for money” which, like, who among us hasn’t? Grow up, Anna, we’re all escorts when we don’t want to drop $18 on a vodka cran.
Anna asks Brittany straight-up if she’s an escort in front of the entire group (and casually all of America when this finally aired). Brittany, of course, denies the escort rumors, along with the rumors that she shot JFK and fabricated the 9/11 attacks. Truly, they hold about as much water in terms of rumors. Where did you get your intel, Anna? Parler?
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What I can’t understand from this entire Anna/Brittany feud is what Anna hopes to achieve by doing all of this. Obviously, she’s feeling threatened by Brittany and her connection with Matt, but there has been a crazy amount of outright slut-shaming this season. The amount of times I’ve heard “hoe” and “whore” tossed around is astonishing. First of all, I firmly believe that we should all be reclaiming this word so as not to let men weaponize it against us. A woman is allowed to do whatever the f*ck she wants to do with HER OWN BODY with whoever she wants to do it with. Secondly, this is 2021! There’s absolutely no way Anna is going to walk away from this exchange as the hero. She’s going to be ripped apart on the internet for this, and deservedly so. How she can’t see this train wreck coming from a mile away is beyond me.
Sidenote: Matt is kind of the worst. He seems to be passively watching as the women shred each other apart one “can I steal you for a sec” at a time. He can see how hostile it is in the house and is doing nothing to manage it. Instead, he seems content to let that hostility fester and the women verbally eviscerate each other behind his back. I get that he hasn’t done this before and so maybe he doesn’t understand the dynamics of living in a house with a bunch of other people who are trying to bang the same person you are, but he does have working eyes and ears. There’s really no excuse.
Michelle’s One-On-One Date
I still can’t get over how bold it was for Matt to ask one of the new girls on a one-on-one date. Like, I can’t decide if he actually likes her or if he wants Victoria to shave her head in her sleep.
I don’t have much to say about this date. Michelle seems super genuine and the two of them appear to have a decent amount of chemistry. That said, I also feel like Matt could carry on an engaged conversation with a stapler. They go on a hot air balloon which is firmly tethered to the ground. Like, it’s a stationary hot air balloon. Their “once-in-a-lifetime view” consists of an aerial shot of the hotel and the freeway down the street. I hope they don’t leave this part out of their love story when they tell the kids!
One of the most memorable parts of the date comes when Michelle quotes Maya Angelou and is genuinely surprised that Matt is able to distinguish it as a Maya quote. You can tell she was hoping to pass it off as her own. Honestly, don’t feel bad girl, a producer was definitely holding that answer up on a cue card behind your back!
The Second Group Date
The second group date of the week will be a boxing date. I think the date card reads something like “you gotta fight for love” and all of the girls know to immediately start filing their nails into makeshift shivs. This isn’t their first cage fight, ABC.
To prep them for their fight, the girls will be trained by world class boxing champ Mia St. John. You gotta wonder what she did in a past life to deserve this fate, especially as you take in the look of shock and disgust on her face as she watches these women fake spar. On the one hand, she has girls like Serena who are willing to lose a kidney if it means taking out their opponent. On the other hand, there are girls like Kit who are wondering if a punch to the face will f*ck up their fillers. I truly feel for you, Mia.
And what do you know, these fights are an all-out brawl. I’ve watched lions dismember gazelles on the Discovery Channel with less bloodlust than is currently taking place on my screen. Someone is definitely going to go into concussion protocol after this date.
MATT WATCHING THESE FIGHTS RN: 
Cut to the cocktail party, and Matt thinks he’s some sort of hero just because he stopped the cage fights before anyone was permanently maimed. Oh, honey, baby, sweetie, no. You’ve only whetted their appetite for fresh blood.
Enter Vibrator Girl, who just wishes we could all get along like we used to in middle school, and takes it upon herself to make Matt aware of the drama in the house. I’ve seen a lot of girls over the years try to bring the Bachelor into house drama and it usually amounts to their ultimate downfall. That said, Katie actually handled this super maturely. She didn’t name names, she just very calmly explained the situation and gave him some action items for the next rose ceremony. I honestly think Vibrator Girl might be a producer plant. As in, she’s actually a board-certified therapist who is there to perform incognito wellness checks on the ladies and make sure the lead doesn’t jump a fence.
We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Matt actually does anything with this information. If he does choose to intervene and doesn’t start his rose ceremony speech with anything other than “oh hell no I did not leave the south side for this” then it’s a missed opportunity. Until then!
Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (6); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1); ABC (1)
Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to another Monday where we get to watch a grown-ass man defend his sexual choices (or lack thereof). I would stand up and cheer if I weren’t so disgusted. I’m going to skip all the bullsh*t and just jump right into this week’s recap because, and I say this begrudgingly, this week was actually pretty dramatic. I’ll give you this one, Chris Harrison! Just one!
This week the Bachelor crew is headed to Thailand, and we know this because the ladies literally won’t shut up about it. I love how they keep emphasizing how beautiful Thailand is. They’re all like “this place is really beautiful, this is where I can see myself falling in love” and it’s like they have no appreciation for the that Marriott in Singapore anymore. What, you’re too good for a continental breakfast now?
HEATHER: I definitely love this vibe better.
Yeah, I get the sense that there won’t be any back alley witch doctors on today’s date, but a girl can certainly dream.
The One-On-One Date
Heather gets the first one-on-one date, which should be interesting because she’s supposedly never been kissed before. First of all, I would just like to say, that I believe this leggy 5’7″ MODEL has never been kissed before about as much as I believe that Donald Trump’s tan is natural. I have a feeling by “never been kissed” she means never been kissed outside of a frat house, six jello shots deep but, like, whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night, sweetie.
Okay, did y’all SEE the way she just greeted Colton? She literally just straddled him and you’re telling me she’s never kissed anyone before? Really? That’s the story you’re sticking with, ABC?
Wait, did she just say she’s been in relationships before? I’m sorry, but do we think Heather thinks the word “kissing” actually means sex? She must not know what this word means because I’m not buying this bullsh*t. She may have never kissed anyone before but she has certainly dry humped someone to completion. Please.
They’re date involves exploring the a Thai market but I can’t even pay attention how fun and cute this date is because of the sounds coming out of Heather’s mouth every five seconds. Like, what is with all the moaning? It’s like just like in When Harry met Sally if Sally were a deranged Barbie and Harry was secretly gay.
HEATHER IRL:
HEATHER DESCRIBING HERSELF TO COLTON RN:
Heather keeps talking about how she just never found the right person to be her first kiss and yet it sounds like she’s had plenty of opportunities to kiss someone. I’m sorry, but did she just say SHE DATED SOMEONE FOR EIGHT MONTHS AND NEVER KISSED HIM?? Like, that’s not a relationship, that dude is your friend.
Heather gets a rose and a kiss from Colton. God this scene is so awful I want to set myself on fire. Was it worth the wait, Heather? Or did you throw up a little in your mouth like me?
When he kissed her and you know every girl in America just went apesh*t for Heather’s first kiss. Like, I’m willing to bet there was more energy for that kiss than there was for Super Bowl. I mean, at least Heather scored. We can barely say that about Sunday night’s game.
Back at the hotel, Elyse is freaking tf out. She’s been slowly unraveling all episode and I don’t like it. I was really rooting for her and her flawless complexion and now she’s acting like she doesn’t understand the premise of this show. Like, OF COURSE Colton is going to play the field but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to try and squeeze in 5-7 minutes of one-on-one time with you at the next cocktail party, Elyse!
Okay, whattttt is happening. She just left the hotel looking amaze but also like she knows she’s about to ruin her life. It’s a face I frequently wear when I’m going out for “just one drink.”
DEMI: Nobody knows what’s going on.
ME YELLING AT MY DOG ALONE IN MY APARTMENT: I BET THE PRODUCERS WHO ORCHESTRATED THIS KNOW, BUFFY.
Elyse shows up at Colton’s condo and damn she looks great. I still can’t get over it. She walks in and immediately starts losing it. Oh, I really don’t like where this is going. OMG. Guys, did she just give him the “it’s not me, it’s you” speech?? I’m so confused. I thought she was having jealousy issues like five seconds before this?
Elyse leaves but, like, why though? Is she not really into him? Or was she just scared she might get sent home before a girl who thinks menopause is something that happens to women once they get kicked off their parents’ insurance Demi. WHAT IS THE TRUTH.
The Group Date
The group date is already starting off on a high note: with Colton sobbing into his protein shake, wailing about how no one loves him. Which, coincidentally, is exactly how I like to start my day as well. Carry on.
For the group date the ladies have to survive for a day out in the jungle! I’m sorry, but is Colton trying to kill the women off one by one? He’s like, “I want a woman who will go on adventures with me so I think I’ll make the ones I’m not sure about scavenge for food and water and see if they make it out alive.”
He breaks the girls up into groups and makes them scrounge for banana leaves and fresh water. It’s at this point that Demi and her group decide that they would rather be at happy hour than digging for worms AND SO THEY F*CKING LEAVE. Lolololol. Y’all, I’m dead. Demi ditching the group date to find AC and a margarita is the energy I want to bring into 2019. She is the gift that keeps on giving.
So how much do we think this tour guide wants to set himself on fire rn? Demi all but spits on his culture with those burger wrappers and Bud Lites she brought into what I’m sure is some sort of protected Thai land and you can practically hear his internal screaming.
DEMI: We just thought burgers and booze were better?
TOUR GUIDE JOE:
Moving on to the cocktail portion of this evening. We’re three seconds into the night and Demi decides to cut the awkward group date tension by casually mentioning that all of the women showered together before the party. Damn. Are there any tricks in her bag that she won’t pull out?
Alabama Hannah pulls Colton aside early on in the evening and he tells her that he would choose her to help him survive a zombie apocalypse. Which is funny because wasn’t her first instinct when it came to surviving in that jungle to flee the scene for 2-for-1 margaritas?
Hannah tells Colton she’s falling for him and it’s exactly that kind of thinking that will get her through at least two more rose ceremonies. Like, this girl knows how to read a room and she read the desperation seeping out of Colton’s sweaty pores real well. Snaps for you, Han.
Oooh interesting. Onyeka says that Elyse spilled some tea about Nicole before she left and now she wants to bring it to Colton’s attention. I don’t like how she’s dragging Elyse’s good name through the mud. I have a feeling that “Elyse” didn’t let something slip so much as a producer in a red wig let something that was concocted and pre-approved by ABC slip, but okay.
ONYEKA: I don’t want to be a pot stirrer but I just respect and like Colton so much.
ALSO ONYEKA:
Onyeka tells Colton that Elyse heard Nicole say she was using Colton to get out of Miami, which is silly because there’s also the FabFitFun boxes to consider! Also, let’s not act like Miami is some bumblef*ck town in the middle of nowhere. If Nicole really wanted to “get out of Miami” so bad, she could just…go. Colton takes this news with about as much stride as a person can who, two seconds after this conversation ended, had to ask the producers who Nicole even is.
OMG this is so awkward. Apparently Elyse misunderstood and Nicole never said anything like that so Onyeka just f*cked Nicole over for nothing. Onyeka doesn’t look the least bit fazed by this new development and continues to sip from her martini as if none of this is any of her concern. She is a hero.
Alabama Hannah gets the group date rose for the sole reason that she let Colton emotionally masturbate on her for a while. It’s well deserved, I guess.
The Second One-On-One Date
Cassie gets the second one-on-one date despite the fact that just last week a psychic told her and Colton that they were siblings in a past life. If anything, Colton looked more turned on by that fact. For the date they’re going on a boat tour of Thailand, though it feels more like they’re seeing more of the back of each other’s throats than anything Thailand has to offer, but okay.
I will say these two have the most chemistry I’ve seen and I’m not just saying that because he grabbed her ass on national television. These two have not stopped sucking face for the entirety of their date and I’m slightly worried about their oxygen levels. Are they ever going to come up for air?
Colton removes his hand from her ass long enough for them to talk about the fact that Colton is a virgin and Cassie is not. I feel like she’s just inventing problems rn. This feels like when I had to make up hardships for my college admissions essay because I had no family tragedies to exploit for entrance into an Ivy league write about.
Okay, WHAT. Why are they in bed together?? This escalated quickly. Like, do we think they’re wearing pants under there? Or is the blanket just strategically placed to hide the fact that he’s (not) getting an erection?
The date ends with Cassie getting a rose and Colton getting an over-the-pants hand job. Everyone leaves happy.
The Rose Ceremony
The rose ceremony is here and it is awkward. Nicole and Onyeka’s beef with each other is making my tummy hurt more than more than the entire block of cheese I consumed while watching this.
Okay, but why does Nicole think trash-talking Onyeka is going to make Colton keep her? The drama starters never make it to the end, especially not the ones who have said three sentences the entire season! Honestly, I feel like both of them are going home.
Lol I love how Onyeka is not not admitting that she didn’t emotionally bully Nicole.
ONYEKA: I called you emotionally unstable, not mentally unstable so you’re a liar.
Well, when she’s right, she’s right Nicole!
OMG. Colton goes to break up the fight and he looks piiiissed. Y’all he was just trying to enjoy his last night in Thailand!! Have you no respect?
OH SH*T. Colton walks off mid-fight and he’s not coming back. As I said before, I really do think this is the end of the line for Onyeka and Nicole. If there’s one thing Colton can’t stand, it’s not being the center of attention for five f*cking seconds.
We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Colton finishes the rose ceremony of if he’ll continue to cry on that sand dune. I know which outcome I have my money on. Until next week, betches!
Images: Giphy (5); @cassierandolph /Instagram (1); @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1)
Catch up on last week’s Bachelor recap here!
Well betches, we’re back for yet another week of The Bachelor, and I can’t wait to be let down again by Arie’s taste in women. So this will be the episode where we finally learn Bekah M’s age. I know this because the episode starts with the all the girls in the house speculating as to whether Bekah M is mature enough to get married. They say this as they watch her dive for rings in the pool. Is there even any need to have this discussion, ladies?
Wait, so is Bekah 22? Is this a known fact? Because I have yet to see her drink an alcoholic beverage, and I’m not unconvinced that she didn’t use her fake ID to get on this show. Seriously. ABC, I need to see a birth certificate ASAP. Thx.
This week the girls are headed to Lake Tahoe and they are fucking jazzed about it. Things I know about Lake Tahoe: it’s gorgeous. Things I don’t know about Lake Tahoe: how these bitches will survive without cell service.
The One-On-One Date
Arie chooses Seinne for the one-on-one date, and I can’t wait to watch him try and fail to verbally keep up with Little Miss Yale Graduate.
Did Arie just start off the date by asking if she has enough warm clothes for the day? Arie, I know you’re 36, but that’s no excuse to act like you’re a concerned grandpa. This girl went to Yale, playing to her nonexistent daddy issues won’t work here!
Arie takes Seinne parasailing and it’s about the least masculine thing I’ve seen him do yet. He seems genuinely terrified of being airborne and it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to remember that he is, in fact, on this show to get laid find love. Oh wait… he just brought out the champagne picnic. I stand corrected—this is the least masculine thing I’ve seen him do all season. You make it harder every week, Arie. Every. Damn. Week.
I love how Seinne is asking him all of these personal questions about his family and his life and Arie can only respond with monosyllabic words. ARIE. YOU ARE TRASH.
Back at the cabin, Maquel gets a phone call that her grandpa just died (which is horrible), but also is she, like, gone for good now? How does this work? Does a family death get you an automatic free pass for one rose ceremony? These are the questions I have.
Also, you can totally tell that every girl in this room is literally giddy at the prospect of a dead grandpa if it means they have one less girl to compete for a rose with this week. So sweet.
Okay, back to the one-on-one date. Did Arie take a fucking Yale graduate to the Hard Rock Cafe? Did he?? Did they also dine on Java Lava Burgers and then buy T-shirts after? Because that’s what my family did when we dined there after my middle school swim meets. SEINNE, HONEY, DUMP HIS ASS.
The Group Date
This group date is legit my worst fucking nightmare. Fresh air, Arie, hiking, the prospect of finding true love. Yeah, if I were one of these ladies I’d be looking for the nearest cliff to fling myself off of.
^^An actual image from this week’s episode and also something I whisper to myself as I pound wine at the end of every work day.
Wait, so this is a survival date? The guides keep talking about how there will be challenges in relationships just like there are challenges in climbing a mountain, which seems like a bit of a fucking stretch to me, but okay. Like, can drinking your own urine to stay hydrated during a hike really be compared to having to define the relationship with your latest Hinge date? Actually, wait. That feels pretty accurate. Go on.
So Arie just pretended to drink his own pee to get girls to like him. I knew a guy like this in high school but that tactic didn’t get him laid so much as mandatory therapy sessions, but ya know, to each their own.
Okay, I never thought I’d ever relate to Krystal but she’s speaking a lot of truths this episode. Everything that’s coming out of her mouth I agree with. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!
GIRLS ON THE GROUP DATE:
“I would drink my pee for Arie.” – Jenna#TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/IfefYlhRFn
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) January 23, 2018
KRYSTAL:
They cut to the cocktail party at the end of the date, which I’m sure will be 30 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, but go on.
Lauren B, who has the personality of fat-free yogurt, pulls Arie aside to ask him about what he wants in a girl. I’m hoping he says a personality, but he does seem genuinely interested in Lauren B, a girl who stands out about as much as hay in a haystack, so it’s not looking good for that.
Arie keeps saying how he wants an independent woman, which is confusing because he’s literally eliminated every girl over the age of 30. Like, do you want an independent woman or one who still relies on her parents to pay her cell phone bill? Because the latter is who’s showing up to your rose ceremony tonight.
Okay, Arie needs to run for his fucking life with this Kendall girl. Also, slightly terrified that the TSA let a girl with a stuffed dead animal onto a plane, but when I’m one milliliter over with my self-tanner, they throw the whole goddamn thing out.
Anddd I’m back to hating Krystal again. Listening to her try to use her baby prostitute voice to manipulate Arie is making me want to take an entire bottle of chardonnay to the face. I love how he can barely keep his eyes open while she’s bitching about having to be nice to other girls in the house.
KRYSTAL: I’m just feeling so attacked rn, ya know?
ARIE:
Some other shit happens but, not gonna lie, I had to break open another bottle of wine in order to listen to one more second of Krystal’s voice so I def missed, like, the last 10 minutes of this group date. Sorry fam. It was a life or death situation. All you need to know is that Tia got the rose and I’ve moved on to taking wine shots every time Krystal drags out a syllable for longer than three seconds.
One-On-One Date #2
I’m three seconds into watching Bekah K’s one-on-one date and I already feel like I want to call the police. Is Arie taking her horseback riding? I’m sorry, but is he her date or a father trying to win over his daughter during a nasty divorce? I’m v confused by the vibe here.
Lol listening to Jacqueline say she has way more life experience at 25 than 22-year-old Bekah is killing me. She keeps talking about how she “sees herself” in Bekah, and it’s like, of course you do because she’s practically the same age as you! On my 25th birthday I lost all of my belongings, cried in a club bathroom, and fell asleep in bed eating mac ‘n cheese. You’re not better than me, Jackie!
Ugh. I will say that Arie and Bekah do seem like they actually have chemistry. Though watching them make out has me wanting to report this as an especially heinous crime to the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies.
ARIE: I just want to know all of you.
ME:
Jesus Christ. Arie is acting so fucking awkward during the dinner portion of this date. He’s keeps saying shit like “I want us to be honest with each other” which is clearly him laying the groundwork for broaching the topic of her age. He also keeps talking about how early his bedtime is and how he needs to take Viagra to get it up what stage he’s at in his life right now. Way to be subtle, Arie.
I can’t decide what’s more painful to watch: Arie trying to confront Bekah about her age, or Arie making out with Bekah with two fingers placed precariously through her hoop earrings:
Yeah. It’s really hard to say.
JESUS. JUST ASK HER HOW OLD SHE IS ALREADY. An actual transcript from Arie trying to ask Bekah M her age:
ARIE: I’m, ya know, ready for marriage, ya know? So, ya know, I just want my values, ya know, to be similar to yours, ya know?
Arie, if you say “ya know” one more time I’m going to be v drunk because I also just turned this into a drinking game to make this conversation bearable. Like, is he having some sort of fit? What am I watching rn?
So… she is 22. But, like, by how many days? One? Two? A week? These tears Arie’s crying as she tells him her age are def tears of relief that she’s actually legal.
Arie keeps acting like he’s not going to give Bekah that rose. He’s like “I’m worried you aren’t ready for marriage” because OF COURSE SHE’S NOT. She’s 22 years old. When I was 22 I was still drunk crying at bars and the most stable relationship I had in my life was with the delivery guy from Domino’s. Please.
Here’s my thing: Arie is acting all shocked and betrayed that Bekah M is the same age as a Disney star, but really, how is liking a 22-year-old any less disturbing than these 25-year-olds he’s been keeping on here? He’s still 11 years older than those hoes. Like, if you were really looking for a wife you wouldn’t have eliminated every woman who was born in the same decade as you. Gtfo.
The Rose Ceremony
Surprise, bitches, there is no cocktail party this week. The look of panic on these girls’ faces right now is akin to the panic I feel when someone says “good morning” and I reply with “thank you.”
OH SHIT. Did Krystal just ask to grab him for a second? DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY?? Damn, that girl is ballsy. If Arie doesn’t cut her tonight, one of these girls certainly will.
Lol I love how the second she pulls him aside all these bitches take a seat on the floor like they know they’ll be there for a while.
Final rose count: Caroline and Brittany are out, which sucks because those two actually had personalities. I’m starting to see a pattern here.
Okay, why this glam-shaming bit didn’t make it into the actual episode is beyond me because this is pure fucking gold right here. Also, this is the most I’ve heard Marikh say in four episodes and it’s just her defending her right to glam like its her right to do what she wants with her reproductive organs. I realize now why production has kept you under wraps, honey.
Alright I’m drunk outtie, y’all. Until next time, betches!
Images: ABC
On this week’s episode of The Betchelor, Jordana and Aleen discuss Krystal’s annoying voice and creepy hometown date. They talk about Arie Pretty Woman-ing Becca K, Annaliese’s absurd bumper car freak-out, and the showdown between Bibiana and Krystal. Finally, they plan Shoot BFF Party With with Seinne, Bibiana, and Chelsea and discuss which of the awkward first dates they’d prefer in real life.
Read the latest Bachelor recap here!
Well, fam, we made it to 2018 and also another season of The Bachelor. And by “made it,” I mean I only just stopped vomiting champagne, like, two hours ago and I’m still wearing my makeup from last night. So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. The fact that ABC and Chris Harrison are forcing me to watch this shit on New Year’s Day, a day when I’m at my most vulnerable emotionally and physically due to my actions from the night before, is cruel and unusual punishment. So, yeah, this recap should be a lot of fun for you guys! Anyway, can’t wait to tune in and see the poor man’s Peter try and find an Instagram endorsement deal love. Yay.
Omg, guys, did you know Arie drove race cars?? I guess they have to keep repeating that little fact about him since 75 percent of the girls on this show were in diapers the last time Arie was on national television, and Bekah hadn’t even been conceived by Peter Pan and Tinkerbell yet.
I love that they tried to use Samuel to make Arie seem more sexually appealing. Cute babies won’t make me forget that Arie’s spent the last five years banging barely legal coeds (allegedly). It won’t fucking work, ABC.
Jesus Christ. I think my hangover will pass before I actually get to see anything happen this episode. It’s like ABC doesn’t realize I have hard plans after this to lie in a dark room in the fetal position. Fucking rude.
Lol I totally forgot about Arie’s sad handwritten book journal he gave to Emily.
ARIE: I flew to Charlotte and left you my heart in this book.
EMILY: I just don’t… read though?
We now transition to the part of the episode where production visits a select few girls at their homes so that we, the audience, get to see just how desperate and pathetic they are IRL. So special. Here are some highlights:
Maquel—if Arie can get past the fact that your name sounds like a mumbled sneeze, then he certainly can get past the fact that you decided to wear a choker from Claire’s on national television.
Raven’s Friend—definitely has a butterfly tattoo somewhere on her body. I would not be surprised if she and Raven blackmailed production into a five episode deal, because why else would she be on this fucking show?
Marikh—is 100 percent the new Corinne of this season. She says she “owns” her own restaurant with her mother the same way Corinne “owned” her own company that her daddy bought and paid for her. It’s cute that they think they’re independent.
Taxidermy girl—does she have a name? Doesn’t matter. You, girl, are fucking terrifying. Arie, I would tread carefully with this one. I’m pretty sure the unedited footage has her walking through the room where her exes’ heads are mounted. Just saying.
Krystal—she exercises for a living and feeds the homeless in her spare time? You might be more frightening than the girl who talks to dead animals all day. I don’t trust it.
THE INTROS
Now that I’ve just spent 20 minutes of my life that I’m never getting back watching ABC desperately try to explain why Arie is some sort of catch, we finally get to the good stuff. Stop trying to make Arie happen, ABC, he’s never going to happen!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you ever think being the next Bachelor would be in the cards for you?
ARIE: Obviously not, Chris, that’s why I ditched my girlfriend last week…
Seriously, is it too late to replace him with Peter? Anyone?
The girls start walking out of the limos, and Arie introduces himself to their boobs first. I can tell he’s really matured over the last five years. Sighs.
Raven’s friend (I’m never calling her anything else) literally hands Arie a tiny weiner and then asks Arie if he has one of those already. It’s good that she knows relationships are built with a healthy dose of emasculation.
Arie keeps saying how “humbling” it is that all these women came here for him, and it’s like, less humbling and more pretty fucking shocking, I think, but okay.
Chelsea, who is clearly jealous that she didn’t show up in a clingy, low-cut dress like everyone else did, starts talking mad shit about every girl who walks into the mansion. I approve. She’s like, “the hair is down, the boobs are out” which literally sums up The Bachelor in 10 words or less.
Of course Arie thinks Jenna, the girl who 100 percent bought her dress at a department store at a North Carolina strip mall, is sexy. At least pretend like you’re not looking at her boobs—come on, Arie!
Other highlights from the intros include Maquel showing up in a literal race car, a girl asking Arie to sniff her pits, and another girl referring to Arie as a Ferrari (that’s a stretch) and slapping a bumper sticker on his ass. Lord Jesus, fix it.
THE COCKTAIL PARTY
Everyone seems genuinely surprised that a man of Arie’s age still has any hair at all. The bar is literally set so low for him.
Watching Chelsea try to hand Arie a drink, fail, and then pretend she just wanted to double fist her drinks anyways is making me want to set myself on fire. I’m so embarrassed for her.
CHELSEA: *tries to hand Arie a drink*
ME:
ALSO ME:
Chelsea is the first person to snag some one-on-one time with Arie and will definitely end up with laxatives in her diet supplement shakes should she make it to next week. She’s like “I’m not really that aggressive of a person” which would seem more believable if she didn’t just elbow her way through a crowd of girls to be Arie’s drink girl.
Wait, I actually love this bumper cars date that Brittany T. planned. Also, she seems chill AF. I’ll root for you.
There’s a lot of bold strategies happening rn. Lauren G comes right out of the gate by shoving a pineapple down Arie’s throat and telling him her safe word. Another girl brings him pizza and holds him hostage until he’s done eating it. I guess nothing says true love like coercion.
Okay, Jenna def did all the coke she owned before getting on the plane to come here. Arie is just like, “I have no idea what she’s saying but I love her boobs it.” I can see you really understand what you want in a relationship, bro.
Krystal pulls Arie aside to tell him about her diet and workout plan deeply intimate parts of her life. I’ve decided she has the personality of a dumbbell.
ARIE: Tell me something about yourself
KRYSTAL: Well I’m a libra so…
ARIE:
Chelsea breaks up this awkward exchange of meaningless facts, and Krystal looks like she wants to beat the shit out of her with her workout equipment. I can see her court defense now:
Arie and Chelsea start making out, and the way he swallows her face whole is making me want to throw up the six slices of pizza I shoved in my mouth earlier to prepare for this recap. And did he just say, “Thank you that was nice”?? *shudders*
Sidenote: Is it just me or is anyone else genuinely surprised by Bekah M.’s voice? I was expecting a voice that matches the age on her driver’s license, not the voice of someone’s midlife crisis mistress. It’s really throwing me off.
Bekah M. actually asks Arie a well-thought-out, interesting question about what three things excite him, to which he responds with “excitement.” *throws laptop at TV screen* ARIE, YOU’RE TRASH.
Watching Arie and Bekah M. talk is like watching a creepy dad hit on his kid’s babysitter.
Seriously, someone needs to check her ID ASAP. I’m not even sure if it’s legal for him to have his hand that far up her thigh.
Chelsea gets the first impression rose, which means she 100 percent won’t win. I’m not convinced that Arie didn’t choose her to prove a point that he’s not just into the 21-year-olds with nice racks. You aren’t fooling anyone, Arie!
Krystal is still v pissed that Chelsea interrupted her one-on-one time with Arie. She’s like “we were really starting to connect! I could have gotten that first impression rose!” and it’s, like, no honey. The information you shared with him is the equivalent of reading word-for-word your shitty Bumble profile. Know your place.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
After an hour and 45 minutes of bullshit, we finally get to the rose ceremony. Which is good, because I’m this close to throwing up in my wine glass. Small mercies.
Every girl in the room is losing their shit over the prospect of being sent home night one, which is v relatable. If an old man with delicate hand gestures dumped me on national television, I would also be a head case.
The rose ceremony goes as such:
-All but one Lauren and half the blondes make it to next week. So does Raven’s friend and the girl wearing that tragic yellow dress that’s assaulting my retinas.
-The losers include Jessica, aka the girl with daddy issues; Amber, the tanning salon owner; Bri, the sports host that I thought would go farther; and, like, five other nobodies.
Anddd that’s a wrap, folks. If you need me I’ll be writing hate mail to ABC for subjecting me to this bullshit on New Year’s Day. Kisses!
There is one unspoken rule about watching The Bachelor that every good member of Bach nation must adhere to: Nobody talks about how unrealistic it is. It’s a silent pact among Bachelor, Bachelorette, and BiP watchers that we’re all just not going to talk about how none of this stuff makes any sense. Like, here we are all watching The Bachelorette finale and shading Peter for not wanting to get engaged when in fact his stance would be 100% reasonable in any other situation. And let’s not even get started on what a real human woman would do if a guy suggested parasailing or whatever the fuck for their first date. Like, maybe we can just go to a bar and save the zero gravity plane ride for after we’ve been dating for a while and I know what your dick is like? Thanks. And sure, in the back of our minds we all know that at least half these people are only in it for the Fit Tea endorsements, but it’s something about The Bachelor’s constant sexy lighting and use of mood music that makes us forget that literally none of this would fly in real life.
But like, what would happen if a guy acted like The Bachelor IRL? Check out this video to find out:
Sadly, this season of The Bachelorette is coming to a close. We all learned a lot, mostly about implicit racial biases and what cheek implants look like, but that’s still a lot. Soon, we’ll know who Rachel has chosen *cough* BRYAN *cough* and we’ll be ready to move onto the next phase of The Bachelor franchise aka Bachelor In Paradise aka the best of all Bachelor Nation shows. Now that the scandal is behind them (is it??? idk), BiP will finally be able to focus on the beloved personalities that make them shitloads of money America has grown to love. Anyone who is a long time Bachelor fan knows the general categories that every person who agrees to fall in love on television and propose to a relative stranger falls into. There are the openly crazy ones, the subtly crazy ones, the ones who you really don’t feel like are crazy but then again they’re on The Bachelor so something must be wrong with them, and the dental hygienists. Season after season we inevitably are tricked into caring about these gorgeous idiots and their love lives, so much so that suddenly it’s the “Men Tell All” and you’re literally crying over Dean and his adorable camo suit jacket, a phrase you’d never thought you’d say.
Lucky for us, we here at Betches got a sneak peek at some of the incredible personalities we’re likely to see on the forthcoming season of The Bachelor, and we’re ready to share them with you. Check out our video below.
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Catch Up On Last Week: The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 6
Okay so it’s well established by now that this season’s Bachelor is boring as shit. The only thing more abundant than Nick’s tears this episode were the amount of times I looked at my phone. ABC is clearly privy to this fact since they decided to announce that Rachel is the new Bachelorette before she was even sent home!? Like come on, Rachel is clearly the best person on this show and now you’re going to milk that fact to force us to watch it until the end so we can see how she gets dumped? What does it say about Nick as an eligible Bachelor that you had to break your 33-season racist streak of white leads just to make get us to tune in to the last 4 episodes?
Nick’s Mental Breakdown
Raven: Him being that upset was not about Danielle L. He’s just so worried he’s not going to find someone again! – yeah no shit, you must have a mental health degree or something.
Why is Kristina like, snuggling Rachel when Nick is the one crying?
Nick then has a little beach powwow therapy session with Chris Harrison who doesn’t say anything but I assume is there to just listen and give him a hard copy of his contractual obligations to stop being a little bitch and finish the show.
^ That’s not necessary
Nick then returns to the girls, intent on giving love a real chance. “As tough as this week has been I’m set to do 4 more weeks so like, the show will go on.”
There is 0 chance anyone knows what Bimini is but Chris Harrison already booked the live band, so there’s no way this trip is getting cancelled due to Nick’s abundance of tears. I may or may not have kept calling it Bellini several times throughout the show.
Rachel: We walk into our villa at Resorts World Bimini™ and it looks like heaven. It’s the perfect place to fall in love.
Someone needs to do a location count on the places proclaimed the perfect places to fall in love on this stupid fucking show because it’s getting out of hand.
I honestly didn’t even realize Corinne didn’t have a one-on-one with all the excessive screen time she’s had. The producers obviously don’t want her to have one in case Nick realizes she’s insane and lets her go and THEN where would the ratings be?
Corinne: Vanessa has a one-on-one today, I’m not gonna freak out
Corinne: *head starts spinning around on neck*
Get your one-on-one (tee) here!
Date With Vanessa
Date Card: Vanessa…let’s go deeper. Bring the lube.
“Now I’m getting frustrated and I’m really bloated.” – Corinne, spirit animal
Corinne: It seems like he wants to go emotionally deeper with Vanessa. I don’t feel like there’s much to open up for Vanessa. I don’t see much depth. When I talk to her she’s all like, “my family is Italian and we make pasta every week and I’m a special needs teacher.”
Well Corinne has a point in that she sucks, but it’s more because she’s mad annoying and condescending and reminds me of a judgmental mom.
Okay obvi Vanessa says she’s falling in love with Nick. Not wanting to be hated by all of America AGAIN, Nick goes the safe route and refuses to say it back.
Vanessa: I’m falling in love with you
Nick: mumble mumble mumble
Nick then spouts out some Nicholas Sparks type shit. “I do believe love is great and if I’m lucky enough to feel love then love will be love.”
Related: Vanessa From ‘The Bachelor’ Is Also A Famewhore
Group Date
Corinne, with the zingers: I’ve been on a boat bigger than this.
Does the group date itinerary include 45 minutes of everyone applying sunscreen on each other followed by swimming with sharks?
Nick proceeds to lube Kristina’s inner thigh up with suntan lotion and you can tell she’s thinking like, “lay off the SPF 30 I want to get tan.”
Ah swimming with sharks—what an excellent experience to add to Kristina’s list of life traumas.
Kristina: Oh, hell no. I did not leave Soviet Russia for this shit. I’m out.
Raven: I will punch a shark in the face if it gets close to me. – Reminder that this is the same trashy ho that beat her ex up with a stiletto.
Corinne: What is Kristina doing with Nick. I’m supposed to be the one to dramatically exit the date and get attention.
Can Nick cry less, like seriously he’s crying more than all the women combined.
Nick: I want to give the group date rose to Raven.
America:
SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.
Date With Danielle
Ugh, not the sports with the local kids schtick. Just because she’s tall doesn’t mean she’s a basketball player, Nick.
Can someone do something about Danielle’s voice? Oh never mind, thanks Nick.
Nick: Right now, Danielle and I seem to be struggling to have a more natural conversation. – Well that can happen sometimes on a SECOND date.
Nick: I don’t want to put too much pressure on this date but at the same time I need to know by 5pm if I can marry this girl or not.
Nick then lays on the poetic compliments: “You’re fun to have fun with.”
Nick: I just have a good time with you. Maybe it’s because we’re just two Wisconsin kids who are whoring themselves out on reality TV. – Are you REALLY two “Wisconsin kids”? You’re both in your thirties.
Nick then dumps Danielle because he’s not obsessed with her.
Very awkward that Danielle had to go pack all her shit. I wonder if she shoved any hotel robes in her suitcase.
Danielle: Please walk in that door and say you made a mistake.
ABC: Nah, America doesn’t like you enough for that kind of producer intervention.
Corinne
Corinne: I’d live in a shack with Raquel and Nick and cheese pasta; that’s how much I care about Nick.
Corinne: When I want something, I get it; no ifs ands or buts” – Sounds like you’re ready for a relationship full of compromise and selfless giving.
Corinne then devises a plan to go seduce Nick in his hotel room to get their connection back on track.
Corinne: I’m gonna blow that room up. – So you’re going to break into Nick’s room to take a shit in there?
Corinne: My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum. – Okay sound bite editors, you can go home now.
The sounds coming out of the closed door that Nick and Corinne are in are nauseating. Corinne is legit instructing him on the art of touching her boobs.
Corinne: Never jiggle, lightly massage.
I can understand why, actually, after hearing Nick’s “dirty talk.” “You’re very attractive,” he states. “But you should probably GTFO.”
I feel like he at least got an OTPHJ.
Date With Rachel
Nick then does his best to ask if Rachel has had any other white boyfriends without actually saying the word “white”.
Nick: Will I be similar to other guys you’ve brought home? Will I be different? Do the other men you’ve dated also like country music, and crying in public, and cold brew iced coffee?
Why was Rachel’s date like 5 seconds?
Nick has cried like 10 times this week. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Bye Kristina
That was a big curve ball to send Kristina home. On the other hand, I guess Nick didn’t want to meet Kristina’s huge adoptive family if he wasn’t going to marry her. But really Nick, you’re saying goodbye to Kristina over an overtly sexual blonde with a nanny who finds cheese pasta to be a way of life?
