The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Have Your Cake And Set It On Fire, Too

Perhaps, instead of writing a full recap about what went down on the fourth episode of this season of Bachelor in Paradise, I could save us both a lot of time and show you a few images of burning heaps of garbage. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s actually an option, so I guess I’ll just have to unpack every disturbing detail of the first two of four hours of absolute chaos that ABC has chosen to impose upon us this week. It begins with a naked dude named Kenny shimmying in the opening credits, and to be honest, it’s really all downhill from there. 

Clearly, a year of doing little but scrolling through memes has done a lot for the contestants of BiP, who now cannot complete a full sentence without the phrases “woke up and chose chaos,” or “dumpster fire.” I can’t really blame them, though. The English language has little else to describe how messy this season has become. After the culmination of what has been described as the “perfect date,” Maurissa and Riley wake up in the Boom Boom Room. Obviously, Riley worked some magic up in there, because Maurissa leaves saying, “Connor is such a sweetheart. He’s amazing. But Riley? He is a dream man in my eyes. He’s an amazing kisser. And literally everything a woman needs. It completely blew me away.” I’m sure if this doesn’t work out, Riley will have no trouble finding someone in his DMs.

The morning kicked off as most mornings following a date in Paradise do: with sheer panic. The girls have the roses this week, but those who aren’t sure who to give them to are starting to look around at any other canoodling couple and consider it a personal attack. If this feels dramatic to you, just think back to precedented times and remember how horrified you felt any time you saw a couple kissing on the subway. Perhaps the girls can petition for a mask mandate to clamp down on the rampant PDA in Paradise

DEMI: Everyone is fricking married around here. 

(Which is, coincidentally, the exact same thing I say every time I open up Instagram on a Sunday morning.) 

The Ladies Get Some Fresh Meat

Two new dudes have entered Paradise, and it’s almost as though the producers are trying to get us to mix them up on purpose. They’re two pretty average guys with similar sounding names who you probably wouldn’t remember if the season they previously appeared on wasn’t literally written across the screen every time they spoke. Meet: Chris Conran and Chasen. And no, that’s not the name of the hedge fund responsible for Fyre Fest. 

CHRIS CONRAN: I was on Clare’s season. Just barely. Just a little dab. Just a touch of salt. 

And you know what? He’s right. I do not know this man. In the iconic words of Keke Palmer: “Sorry to this man.” 

What Chris lacks in relevancy, he makes up for in confidence and the “Can I steal you for a sec?” persistence. He has set his sights on Jessenia and has a plan to “scoop” her up. He also has a backup plan, and that includes running off into the sunset with Chasen. 

Chasen and Chris get a double date card (barf), which means they have to dabble in a bit of forced, sweaty flirting before they can decide who they’ll take with them. Chasen makes a beeline for Deandra, which obviously upsets Karl. Their chemistry is undeniable.

CHASEN: So, tell me about yourself. What brought you to Paradise?
DEANDRA: I like Paradise because everybody comes here with a common goal. 

Yeah… to get laid and gain Instagram followers?

Next, Chasen pulls Mari aside for a chat, and Kenny starts to sweat as much as a man who refuses to wear clothing physically can. Mari and Chasen’s conversation is honestly pretty snoozy, and consists primarily of Mari throwing out a lot of words that end in “ing” in an attempt to define her non-relationship with Kenny, such as “vibing,” “talking,” and “conscious not officially, but also not unofficially, coupling.” 

Chasen and Chris head off on their double date, which is Kama Sutra themed. Chris brings Jessenia, and Chasen brings Deandra. Deandra explains that although she normally hates to be touched, getting essentially felt up by Chasen made her “very relaxed” and “more than pleasantly surprised.” Well, okay then! Jessenia also seems to be quite taken by her date… for some inexplicable reason.

CHRIS: Every chance I get tonight, I’m going to steal you away.
JESSENIA

What does this man have to offer that is not coming through on screen? Genuinely would love to know, because personally, I would not respond to a thinly veiled kidnapping threat with the same energy I’d use to reply to a passive-aggressive text from a roommate asking me to do the dishes.

Back at the beach, Demi is laying down the groundwork for a Plan B if Chris and Jessenia’s date goes well. While she swirls a mimosa around in one hand, she tells Ivan that he should start talking to some of the other women as a backup. Honestly… that’s a great game strategy. It’s a shame that Demi naturally has such villainous delivery, because it sounded pretty evil. 

In Which Mari Gets a Lesson in Casual Dating 

Clearly, Mari’s conversation with Chasen sparked a little fire in her, because it immediately prompts another conversation with Kenny in which she basically tells him that she would like to have her cake and eat it too. 

MARI: I want to see other people.
ALSO MARI: I think things with Kenny might be a little awkward. 

Mari’s suggestion to “open” things up definitely upsets Kenny, who reflects, “This is the first time I’m sensing that she’s not feeling as strong as I was. Why not say it’s completely done, then? If you want to be totally open, let’s be totally open.” And you know what? I’m kind of obsessed with Kenny’s logic that an open relationship is synonymous with a breakup. It seems like the kind of miscommunication that’s going to give us episodes worth of drama. 

After telling Kenny she’s trying to play the field, Mari has a discussion with Demi, which is where things really go left. Demi provides some more sound advice that comes across as evil because she’s, well, Demi. She tells Mari, “we should all be dating each other,” and then in a confessional moment seconds later, exclaims, “Sorry, I’m goin’ for your mans!” 

Once Mari catches wind of Demi and Kenny’s shenanigans (read: once Mari looks over at them, because all of the events of this show play out in like, an area the size of a tennis court), she’s furious. She seems to genuinely have believed that telling Kenny that she’s interested in seeing other people would make him think she’s playing hard to get, and is now truly shocked that it backfired, and I don’t know what else to say about that. It’s kind of like watching the milk crate challenge. Like, yes, of course I want it to work. I really want to see someone pull it off successfully. But at the end, everyone ends up with the sharp corner of a milk crate up their butt. And that’s just science. 

Male Rompers Are Back

Connor B., knowing that Maurissa had just been on a date the night before, decides it’s time to step it up if he’s going to get that rose. He throws on a matching set (or perhaps a romper; I cannot confirm the intricacies of Connor B.’s drip) and makes his way over to invite Maurissa on a DIY date. I’d give anything to hear the behind-the-scenes conversation Connor B. had with a producer that was like, “Can I have a date card? No? How about some craft supplies? Cool, cool, cool.” 

Unfortunately, Connor does not know that Maurissa made a little trip to the Boom Boom Room before wasting the best outfit he packed. Ya hate to see it. This leads to a downward spiral in which Connor describes himself as “just the friendly guy who everybody likes,” and yup, I’m crying. 

Next, we get an appearance from guest host Lance Bass, who does a little wellness check on Natasha. Natasha says she’s definitely feeling where things are going with Brendan, but that the intimacy is lacking—as if this is year three of marriage and not episode four of a television show. Lance suggests Natasha make a move on Brendan. (Side note: Does Lance Bass’s southern accent feel… stronger than usual? Is he hanging out with Jax and Brittany again?)

Natasha proceeds to give Brendan a very sweaty massage. I’ll hold off on the commentary here, and just let you know exactly how it went down, because I truly don’t have words for this one.

NATASHA: *Massaging Brendan*
BRENDAN: I’m the sweatiest man in America.
NATASHA: We’re not in America.
BRENDAN AND NATASHA: *Kiss*

And Now For a Slew of Relationships That Must Be Defined

After making the very astute observation that “Everyone on the beach seems to be breaking up,” Serena P. uttered the words that will likely curse her relationship with Grocery Store Joe and said, “But Joe and I are going strong.” On BiP, “going strong” means headed to a romantic date in a dark auditorium with a dinner table set up in the middle of a wrestling ring to discuss why Joe seems so miserable. 

SERENA: I feel like in Paradise… You hate it here.
JOE: You’re warm. 

Joe continues to be the most relatable man on this beach. He explains that he kind of hates Paradise because if he’s “not going to meet someone,” he doesn’t really want to be sleeping in a bunk bed in a room with no air conditioning. Fair! They ultimately decide that they’re “100% all in” on finding that with each other. After defining the relationship, Joe says, “It’s time to have fun.” Um, do you guys know you’re on Bachelor in Paradise? There is an entire team of people whose full time job relies on you guys not “having fun” after defining the relationship. But please, proceed. 

Serena P and Grocery Store Joe

Speaking of defining relationships, Karl decides to throw a Hail Mary pass and pulls Deandra aside for a talk. He gives Deandra a charm bracelet he bought in Miami. He’s trying to position this stunt as spur-of-the-moment, but he clearly bought all of the charms before he even had a “connection” with Deandra. Honestly, I’d tell you more about the bracelet and what each charm represents if it wasn’t obvious he just rolled into a Pandora store in an airport. At best, this thing is an Alex and Ani. 

Over at the beach, the rest of the cast members are enjoying a little bonfire. Which means it’s time for Demi to ruin the mood, of course. She shows up with a cake she made for Kenny because he spent his 40th in quarantine and makes everyone awkwardly sing happy birthday to him. Then, Demi hits us with a perfectly rehearsed line and says, “Let them eat cake!” before dragging Kenny to a secondary location (which, please never forget, is statistically the point at which you are more likely to be murdered). Demi has decorated a little party set up for Kenny, which includes a piñata full of condoms, to which I say: damn, production will really do anything for Demi. From bringing Kristian in for her last season, to setting up this weird belated birthday party, they’ll go to no end to make sure this girl has the tools to stir the pot. 

While Demi and Kenny are off celebrating, Mari grabs the cake and throws it in the fire… which honestly is the least interesting thing she could have done. 3/10. 

Mari pulls Demi aside for a little confrontation, which again leads us to another gem from Demi that would actually be sound logic if she didn’t deliver it like a Disney villain laying out their grand scheme to take over the world. 

MARI: Earlier today, I confided in you, and now you’re going for Kenny.
DEMI: Well, you said you guys were being open, so why can’t I date him?
MARI: He says he wants to fuck me.
DEMI: I… also want to fuck people?
MARI: So, you’re okay being a second option?
DEMI: No, we’re… all just… dating people here. 

Mari short-circuits at this reminder that you don’t have to get engaged to someone the second you decide you’re “vibing” with them, and basically just tells Demi that she threw the cake in the fire and storms off. 

Kenny actually is handling the situation quite maturely, which I guess I shouldn’t be giving him so much credit for because the man is literally 40. He tells Mari that everything with her has become “too toxic” and that he’d like to move on. 

The episode ends with a dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED” screen while all of the Paradise dwellers run around and set small fires. We also get a little tease of Demi and Kenny entering the Boom Boom Room, and a moment in which Demi says she is “fully prepared to just be massacred out here.” And that’s on self-awareness! 

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC (2); Giphy; Tenor

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Hometown Head Injuries

Hometowns are hereeeeee, and boy, has it been a journey. Is it just me, or has watching Matt whittle down his group of ladies to the final four felt a little like surviving a middle school locker room during the height of puberty? Michelle and those arms definitely look like the type who could give me a wedgie, and Rachael has a face that says “I would start a rumor about you using super jumbo tampons.” But, you know, I’m sure Matt’s wife is in there somewhere!

As I’ve mentioned, this week is Hometowns, where we’ll get to meet the families of Matt’s final four women: Michelle, Rachael, Bri, and Serena P. The theme of this year’s Hometowns is “you can never go home again,” mostly because it would take too many COVID rapid tests, and production already wasted their emergency stash on Heather. Shame. If you’ll recall, last season’s quarantine hometowns were… something. For those of you who missed it, just imagine the production value of a high school’s performance of Mamma Mia! but, like, without the pride of a bunch of art geeks hoping to use the set design on their college applications and more just Chris Harrison’s least favorite ABC intern cobbling something together with rubber cement and a sharpie. So, this week should be fun!

Michelle’s Hometown

We’re first whisked off to Michelle’s hometown of “Minnesota.” Minnesota is in air quotes here because I’m assuming we will see nothing of the actual state during this date. If anything, I imagine ABC will project a Pinterest mood board of “cold stuff” on a green screen and hope we just get it.

Okay, this is kind of cute. Michelle introduces Matt to her alter ego: “Miss Young.” Miss Young is her teacher personality whose kink is apparently having her third graders grill Matt about how many kids he wants and if he uses his hands enough during foreplay. Seriously, these questions are so invasive! Especially Ethan’s. That kid has no chill. 

Also, be real, Michelle. Did you make attendance mandatory here? I can only assume permission slips must have signed for this as well? And can I just say, Matt’s pants are VERY tight. I almost need parental controls on my TV to endure seeing those thighs, I can’t imagine the effect of seeing those bad boys live and on Zoom. 

My first impression of Michelle’s family is this: they’re HUGE. Are we sure she’s actually from Minnesota and not from whatever place birthed Hagrid? They’re SO tall, it’s insane. My second impression of the family is that they need to be protected from the franchise at all costs. They are too precious for this Earth. Her dad has a voice that could soothe my anxious dog during a thunderstorm, and her mom is wearing head-to-toe Costco in the most endearing of ways. They both seem deeply concerned that their daughter would accept a marriage proposal from a man in a tweed bomber. They’re not wrong. 

The date culminates in the most wholesome display of family dynamics I’ve seen on my screen since Boy Meets World went off the air: a family game of basketball. Excuse me, but what?? Like, I did not know that a Bachelor date would be my inspo for setting my dating standards in 2021. Brb, just going to update my Ship profile to say “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my entire family and play a low-stakes game of pickup basketball.”

MICHELLE: I told Matt I loved him and he gave me a positive smile in return.
ME BOOKING THE NEXT FLIGHT TO PA: 

A positive smile? That’s it?! He just had a hot, confident woman with legs the length of my entire body tell him she loves him even with his turtleneck fetish, and the most feeling he can muster up is a lukewarm smile? Are you kidding me with this, Matthew? Are you into any of the women? Because right now I really couldn’t say! Do you even want a wife? Or just a roommate whose pants you can borrow? Someone make it make sense. 

Rachael’s Hometown

The racist is up next! Oops sorry, I meant Rachael is up next. She wants to show Matt what life in Georgia is like, and it all just hits a little differently now that we know her TimeHop is full of “Old South” throwbacks.

RACHAEL: *blindfolds Matt* I can’t wait to show you Georgia! Do you trust me?
ALSO RACHAEL: We’re here!!

Oh, no it’s cool, guys, she’s just going to shove him out of a plane! Luckily for her, Matt considers near death experiences to be foreplay, so he’s really into it. 

Holy sh*t. Rachael lands like a cracked egg on the pavement. Okay, why was that landing so bad? What kind of janky skydiving place did she book for this? Also, I love that they make her finish out this date even with whiplash. Matt’s like, trying to make out with her while she’s still peeling astroturf out of her hair extensions. She just face-planted, full speed from the sky, into the earth. At least wait for her concussion to subside. 

We finally meet the family and they’re… ambivalent about Matt. Honestly, there’s not much more I can say about this date. Rachael seems really into him even with her parents voicing concerns. She even wanted Matt to ask her dad for his blessing to get married. You can tell when she asked Matt about it he was like “oh right, we’re supposed to get engaged at the end of all of this.” Yes, you are buddy! Better start acting like it. 

Bri’s Hometown

I love that these are not Hometown dates as much as elaborate ways to maim Matt. Michelle was the nicest about it with that bike riding excursion, but Rachael was hoping he’d get the shoddy landing, and Bri is actively trying to crash him into a tree while they’re off-roading in that Jeep. 

BRI: Do you remember that one time you almost killed me?
ALSO BRI:

AHAHAHAHA. I love that Bri has been holding this huge grudge since week three. God, I hope she kills him. 

Also, as hot as murder is ladies, where are the real hometown dates? If I don’t see at least one high school yearbook photo from the 2000s complete with crimped hair and Hollister tees, I swear to god I’m going to lose it. 

Bri’s family consists of her mom, BFF (who’s also named Bri), and baby sister. Okay, wow her “baby sister” is a literal baby. I was expecting to meet some Gen Z-er in mom jeans ready to fire off some scathing critiques of Matt’s TikTok, not this squishy bundle of cute. 

I cannot get over how gorgeous Bri’s mom is, and also how young she is. She could be a contestant! They could have gone on this show together and rivaled The Twins™ for most outrageous professional description. 

Also, I don’t think Bri’s mom likes Matt very much. First off, Matt dodged almost all of her questions about how he sees the future with her daughter. Second of all, she keeps saying “we can mend your heart together” as if she’s already has pints of Ben & Jerry’s on deck in the hotel room should her daughter blink twice for help. 

Bri thinks that the reason she hasn’t said she’s falling for Matt yet is because she has trouble being vulnerable, but I think it has more to do with the fact that she knows nothing about this guy other than the fact that he has a penchant for skinny jeans and turtlenecks. Even so, she blurts out an “I love you” before the end of the date. Matt takes this as an encouraging sign for their relationship, but pointedly ignores that fact that when she said the L word it was accompanied by the facial expression of swallowing glass. Yeah, I think these two will go far. 

Serena’s Hometown

Last but not least, we have Serena’s hometown. Serena appears to be the only one who didn’t get the memo that “hometowns” is actually code for “create an elaborate death trap for Matt,” so she sends him to Canadian bootcamp instead. Also, I love that Serena’s hometown is just the entire country of Canada ,and that apparently the most defining moments of her childhood involve the Canadian national anthem and eating the most disgusting looking poutine I’ve ever seen in my life. 

SERENA ON THIS DATE RN:

Okay, Matt’s pants are out of control. Those jeans are practically painted onto his body! I’m shielding my eyes watching this hockey game for fear a g-string might pop out of those jeans when he leans over to hit the puck. 

Okay, Serena is soooo normal. She’s giving me huge Hannah B vibes, and by that I mean she’s relatable AF. Matt says as much when he meets her parents. He’s like “she was so normal” which sounds like an insult, but I get it. That said, I don’t think Serena is that into him. Her sister even says she doesn’t look “smitten” with him, and I would have to agree. 

SERENA’S SISTER: Do you love him?
SERENA: ….yes?
SERENA’S SISTER:

AHAHAHA. This sister is savage. I love it. 

I do think Serena is talking herself into this relationship. I’m sure she’d be into dating Matt, but marriage? Eh, not so much. The end of the date is pretty bleak. She tells Matt she’s having doubts about their relationship and he reacts with all of the emotion of a toaster. I know I used to give Lauren B a lot of sh*t for maybe being an animatronic fembot crafted in the bowels of ABC studies for the sole purpose of being Arie’s dream girl, but now I’m starting to wonder if they manufactured Matt too. He’s just way too cool under pressure. 

The Rose Ceremony

Before the rose ceremony begins, Matt tells Chris Harrison that he got a bad feeling from his hometown date with Serena. In what I’m sure is truly altruistic in motive and has nothing at all to do with manipulating a grown man into crying for ratings, Chris encourages Matt to talk to her right now. What’s the worst that could happen! 

Matt’s like, “I need answers, she needs to talk to me” and BOY does he get them. Serena says Matt’s just not her person and essentially sends herself home before the rose ceremony. To her credit, she did find a very nice way to say “it’s not you, it’s me.” 

SERENA: *dumps him*
MATT:

I am dead that he just asked her to walk him out and then proceeded to have his own sad limo exit. Like, Matt there’s no need to have this tear-stained confessional. You’re already the bachelorette, buddy. 

Matt is visibly shaken by his encounter with Serena. He hasn’t felt this betrayed since his trainer left him for a different CrossFit. Luckily, we have Chris Harrison here to offer warm words of encouragement in the form of fearmongering. He’s like, “and are you worried no one else likes you, because I would be.” You’re ruthless, Chris. This is not the time!

At the rose ceremony, Matt tells the ladies that although he’s given off tepid expressions of feeling at best and has promised nothing of an engagement at the end of this other than “we’ll just have to see where we’re at,” that they better step tf up and fulfill their contractual obligation to make him look good. Jumping ship so late in the game is a bad look for his brand. He tells them to think long and hard before accepting any of his roses and then immediately calls Michelle’s name before finishing his last sentence. The scared straight tactics work because all of the women accept his roses. 

That’s it for this week, freaks! Start psyching yourselves up for next week’s “Women Tell All”, because Queen V and her under-eye bags are coming back, and I could not be more thrilled. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (3); Giphy (6)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Off With Her Head

Gather ‘round, boys and girls, for a tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy asks girl if she… *checks notes* exchanges sex for money? And people say The Bachelor isn’t a source of good wholesome fun! 

When last we left off, our favorite producer plant/mental health wellness queen, Vibrator Girl, had just let Matt in on a fun little house secret: if you put 20 women in a room together and give them nothing but time and low-calorie wine, they will find cruel and unique ways to ruin each other’s lives. Case in point: Anna. Though she spent the first three episodes of the season doing nothing but giving me nightmares with those veneers, last week she decided that the best way to get a man’s attention is to sacrifice the reputation of her competition over the burning flames of a sex-shaming rumor. 

You’ll recall that she came up with this truly wild rumor that the new girl Brittany is one of Chicago’s most elite escorts. First off, Anna, sex work shouldn’t be something shameful, so even if this rumor were true, what’s your point? Secondly, I’m pretty sure the validity of this rumor can be traced back to a singular Instagram DM from a Russian bot pretending to be a 21-year-old fitness influencer named Carli. I’d like to see the receipts, Anna!

The Rose Ceremony

Which brings us back to the present. It’s a new week but hostility is still running high. Surprisingly, Victoria does not look completely horrible. Her hair is shiny, her makeup is flawless, and I can’t even see one bra strap. There’s nothing that gets you that good glow like sucking the will to live out of a twentysomething named Brittany, amiright V?

At the rose ceremony Matt gives a speech that addresses the “mob mentality” in the house. Sadly, he does not start off his speech with “hell no, I did not leave the South Side for this” and it is a missed opportunity. For shame! 

Matt pulls Anna aside to get to the bottom of this rumor, and I truly can’t wait for her to explain herself. How do you spin “I’m trying to ruin a girl’s life but in, like, a fun way” to a man you’re also hoping to share a life with eventually?

ANNA: I’m very popular in Chicago. It’s why so many people were messaging me about this girl before coming on the show.
ME: 

Hahahahaha. Okay, Anna, you gotta stop leading with the fact that you heard this information on Instagram. You’re not helping your case.

Matt finally learns the nature of the rumor (that Britt is a supposed escort) and I love how aghast he’s pretending to be. I’m not buying that you’ve never hired an escort before, Matt. I’m just not. 

PRODUCERS: *describes the definition of an escort to Matt off camera*
MATT: That’s… illegal?

As Anna pleads her case to Matt, Victoria is in the process of throwing the remnants of Anna’s character completely under the bus. She’s like, “you know Anna was being super harmful with those comments about Brittany being an escort.” Yeah, and I’m sure your comments about Brittany being a “stupid hoe” were just all in good fun!

Matt lays down the hammer and sends Anna home almost immediately. Tbh I’ve never been more turned on in my life. Actions actually having consequences? Matt, you’re speaking my love language, sweetie. 

This rose ceremony has to be the biggest mood killer for Matt. He’s just trying to get some wide-eyed kisses and these ladies are asking him to mediate the drama at their sisterhood retreat. The ladies are still not pleased with the “safe space” Matt tried to create by sending home Anna. He still needs to behead the actual snake: Victoria and her booby tape. 

MATT: And when you said Ryan was hoe for being a professional dancer—
VICTORIA: That was taken completely out of context!

To be fair, I think she said Ryan was a “f*cking hoe”, so get your facts straight, Matt!

Okay, Victoria’s logic is painful to me. She’s got all of the deductive reasoning skills of a drunk girl trying to finagle another tequila shot out of the bartender despite the fact that her nipple is a little bit out and she can’t remember the word for “shot” and keeps calling it a “baby drinks.”  

I love that throughout all of this Katie hasn’t owned up to sh*t. She’s standing there watching the mob of mean girls devour each other whole while remaining completely untouched and I LOVE IT. She started this entire thing, and not only has she been able to keep her name out their mouths, but she managed to get rid of all her competition in the process. Ladies, we are in the presence of a queen. 

KATIE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY RN: 

Ah, I see that Victoria is back to looking like sh*t. All is well in the world again. She shows up to the rose ceremony looking like a waterlogged mess, and I think she knows her time is almost up. 

Here’s the rose ceremony body count:

Not only is the wicked bitch of the west going home, but BOY does she go out with a bang. She tells Matt that she feels sorry for him, and I just audibly gasped so loud my dog startled awake. She’s like, “he didn’t even say anything, he just stared at me!” and it’s like, yeah girl, your entire bra was out. What else was he supposed to do!

 

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Wow wow wow. I can’t believe Queen V is finally gone. On her way out she boldly declares that she will “never date another Matt again” and I think I can safely speak for all Matts when I say they’re fine with that. Good luck though, Vicki!

Rachael’s One-On-One Date

The next day is like the calm after the storm. Some girls are finally feeling safe enough to stop sleeping with a makeshift shiv under their pillows. Others are just glad they made it out of the rose ceremony with their eyelash extensions still intact. Kit tells us that she’s hoping things will be “less dramatic” in the house. I really hope with Victoria gone, Kit can finally grow into the villain I always knew she could be. She just has the face of someone who tortured people at boarding school. Does she not?

Rachael gets the first one-on-one date of the week and Matt treats her to a shopping spree. Every season they do at least one Pretty Woman shopping date and it’s like, what does this date even prove about your partner? That she appreciates a nice romantic swipe of your black card? That he’s very into the color beige? That’s not even Matt’s real money! 

I mean have you ever seen so much beige in your life!!

Side note: Did Matt only pack turtlenecks for this trip? Why is he always wearing these on dates? What is he hiding under that extra fabric? TELL ME!!!

I love how a mere 24 hours before, Matt was vowing to create safe spaces for the women and now he’s making Rachael walk into a room full of girls armed with nothing but her wits and 20 bags of designer clothes. He might as well have given her a paper cut and shoved her into a shark tank.  

Rachael says something about falling for Matt and it’s like honey, baby, sweetie, no. You aren’t falling in love with him. That’s just the serotonin from the shopping trip talking! She gets the date rose and, I’m sure, a special place on MJ’s hit list.

The Group Date

The big group date this week takes place on a farm where the women are instructed to do various farm tasks by a man known only as “Ty.” Sketch. He’s either a very strangely branded farmer or a man whose kink involves watching hot millennials ruin their hair extensions with horse feces. It’s hard to tell. 

Matt takes it upon himself to remind the ladies that he’s from Raleigh, NC and he’s just a country boy at heart. As a person who is also from North Carolina, I can tell you right now the closest Matt has ever come to a farm animal was the time he walked through the Dixie Classic Fair. You know how to longboard, bro, you’re no bumpkin! 

Watching these women ruin their gel manicures as they shovel sh*t is truly putting years back on my life. Ladies, thank you for your service. I needed this. 

JESSENIA: MJ is ~chickening~ out

Jessenia, sweetie, leave the jokes to the professionals. 

Not much else happens on the group date. Apparently mud and manure are turn-ons for Matt, because he uses this date as an opportunity to reenact some farmer porno with any girl willing to ruin her hair extensions with a roll in the hay. For the most part, though, the date focuses on MJ’s reckoning. During the cocktail portion of the evening, Matt confronts her about being one of Victoria’s minions. He wants to know her specific role in mean girl mob. Like, did she take part in the verbal abuse or was it more of a slut sneeze situation?

Here’s the thing about MJ: I find her to be stunning, but her personality is surprisingly off-putting. She looks like she should be in a Free People ad, but then she opens her mouth and I have the immediate urge to hand over my keys and wallet so nobody gets hurt.

MJ: I heard one of you called me an antagonist?
ALSO MJ: 

Ok, she is TERRIFYING. I would not want to cross her in a dark alley. I feel like she must be hiding some booby traps in those ringlets of hers. Good luck dealing with that, ladies!

Kit’s One-On-One Date

Kit gets the second one-on-one date of the week and we learn that Kit is 21. I’ll let that sink in for a moment… twenty.one. That means (if my math after three glasses of red wine is correct) that she was born in the year 2000. 2000!! It should be illegal for her to be on this show. The reason she hasn’t found love yet is because her brain hasn’t even stopped developing! I’m pretty sure her Bumble settings caps a suitor’s age off at 23! This is absurd. 

Also, I totally forgot that Kit is the daughter of Cynthia Rowley (a super famous designer). Yet another reason it should be a crime for her to be on this show. She doesn’t need ABC to find her a boyfriend. Eventually someone will come along who will love her for her money. She’s all set!

KIT: My life is red carpets and gold Bentleys but I just want to be a regular girl
ME, A REGULAR GIRL: I wish gold Bentleys were on my list of complaints instead of  the broken-down Hondas I have to deal with. 

So… let me get this straight. Kit’s sob story is that she has… white privilege? You guys, I cannot take Kit seriously. If Matt ends up with her, I’m rioting. 

MJ vs. Jessenia

In a shocking twist, we end the week with the announcement of a two-on-one date: MJ vs. Jessenia. In one corner, we have MJ, who looks like she would write that you like anal on a bathroom stall. In the other corner, we have Jessenia, who I was not aware was a contestant until she started butchering jokes on my television screen just this evening. How did this blood feud begin? With vicious name calling (and by “vicious” I mean using terminology found in a powder puff football game). Look, I’m not a fan of MJ by any means, but this drama is sooooo petty. Who cares about this varsity/JV thing? Did it end with Olivia Benson needing to be called onto the scene? No? Then I don’t care about it. 

Anyway, catch you betches next week for what I’m sure will be the thrilling conclusion to this feud nobody asked for. 

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); ABC (1); @tvgoldtweets /Instagram (1); @bachelornation.scoop /Instagram (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Queen’s Gambit

Welcome back, friends, to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I wish I could say that the most outrageous thing to happen over the last seven days was a sexually liberated millennial brandishing a giant sparkly dildo within 20 feet of Chris Harrison, but, you know, the coup. Despite the chaos our world is falling into, I’m still here, I’m still persisting. By “persisting” I of course mean that I’m half a bottle of Charles Shaw deep and have spent the last seven days Googling pictures of Matt James’ abs to keep up morale. We all do what we can. 

Last week The Bachelor started off with a bang, and I do mean that literally. Matt James spent his first two hours as ABC’s leading man being utterly delightful and setting off a chain reaction of female orgasms across the country after his rose ceremony prayer. Two seconds into this week’s episode and I can already tell that ABC is going to be capitalizing on that energy for this week. Before we can even transition into any dates we’re treated to at least five minutes of b-roll of Matt James reenacting every hot guy dating app profile pic in one morning. He’s on the Peloton, he’s doing sit-ups, he’s caressing his happy trail in the shower, he’s walking through fall foliage, he’s trying out some knits. I can only assume that a shot of him reading a devotional in only a towel will be on the agenda for next week. 

Bri’s One-On-One Date

Matt James and Bri

The first one-on-one date is awarded to Bri, and is it just me or do they already look like a couple? Or at least like two people who would look great together doing an unboxing video. Matt says he hasn’t gone on a date in “forever” and I guess we’re just not counting the month-long bacchanalian orgy that was the Quarantine Crew? Come talk to me when your last interaction with the opposite sex involves thanking your local grocery store cashier as he reaches around the plexiglass to put your change in your double-gloved hand, mmkay?

Oh, good. It seems Victoria is going to continue with this persona of a 13-year-old girl whose mother has the audacity to breathe near her in public. Carry on. 

QUEEN V:  I’m not jealous! I just, like, want that. 

YOU JUST DEFINED THE WORD “JEALOUSY”, YOU IMBECILE!!! I feel as if Victoria is the kind of girl who thinks Instagram captions count as “reading.” I tremble for the youth of America. 

Back to Matt and Bri’s date. Matt decides to take her ATVing through Pennsylvania forestry. I’m not sure what kind of girl he thought Bri was when he was planning this date, but the head-to-toe Revolve outfit she’s wearing should have been a huge indicator. Lol, Bri is equally skeptical. She’s like, “I’m glad I was able to leave an impression on him after the last rose ceremony but how was that impression… mudding??” You’re right, it doesn’t make sense!! 

BRI PRETENDING TO LOVE THIS DATE RN: 

Okay, this date is the stuff of nightmares. Not only will she be soaking that outfit with off-brand Dawn in her hotel room’s sink from now until the final rose ceremony, but he’s got to ruin her hair too?? Did anyone else see him practically give her a nuggie with his muddy fist after they took a tumble on that ATV? MATT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE FINITE RULES OF HAIR CARE?! DO YOU?? Honestly, I feel for this girl. 

Production must have decided that was enough emotional waterboarding of the influencer for this date, because they reward her with a Matt James hot tub soak. I love when they pretend these dates are about “making connections” rather than the thinly veiled excuse to have Matt disrobe on camera that they are.

 

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Originally, Bri and Matt had bonded over both being raised by single mothers. Tonight, we learn that Bri’s mother was actually 13 when she had her and, despite their close relationship growing up, their relationship is more tenuous now as her mother is pregnant and starting a family with someone new. This is so personal, I don’t even know what to do with this information. I’m pretty sure the most vulnerable I’ve ever been with a guy was when I told him my favorite book was a YA romantic fantasy and didn’t immediately backpedal the statement after he laughed in my face and said “no, seriously, what’s your favorite book?” Damn, this girl is BRAVE. 

Okay, I do actually really like Bri. She seems super chill and like she might actually be able to articulate her thoughts in an argument. I’m impressed with how well she carries herself, especially at her age. I’m pretty sure when I was 24 I was still blacking out at bottomless brunch and letting guys feel me up in random clubs in the Lower East Side. 

The Group Date

This week 18 girls—18!!!—are on deck for the group date. I’m sorry, but that’s a ridiculous amount of people for a group date. I’ve seen fewer girls getting packed in on a tractor for a Nashville bachelorette party. These girls are going to be lucky if Matt even says their name during roll call, let alone if they get any alone time with him! 

The women are asked to don wedding dresses for a wedding themed photo shoot, but before even half them can make it through their shoots, Chris Harrison decides to put a little twist on things. You know, if a casual fight to the death can be considered a “twist.” I guess nothing says “romance” and “happiest day of your life” like gladiatorial games.

QUEEN V: I think my team is a bunch of queens and their team is a bunch of gestures.

Yeah, and that “gesture” is the middle finger, Victoria. 

They begin this demented game of capture the flag, and I’ve seen cleaner prison riots. MJ is over there practically sharpening her shiv, Queen V is snapping wet rags in people’s faces with the full extent of her rage, and Rachael looks like she would rather die on that muddy field than lose out on any alone time with Matt. 

RACHAEL DURING THIS DATE RN:

Honestly, it’s hard to tell what exactly the objective of the game is, because it just looks like full-on mayhem. At some point Chris announces that the red team “wins” and we all just accept this to be true even though I could not tell you how that outcome was determined. Anything to stop Victoria’s blood-curdling battle cries from rupturing my eardrums through this screen. 

The rest of the group date progresses pretty uneventfully. The high points of the evening include a sweet moment between Lauren and Matt. She tells him that she’s looking for a “man of God” when it comes to her future husband. Funny, I didn’t realize men of God are usually so chill with practically flashing their pubic hair every week on national television. Low points of the evening include literally any frame with Queen V in it. At one point she calls Matt a “prize” and then looks at him like he’s a tiger she considered bidding on from the Tiger King park’s eBay page. 

QUEEN V: *opens her mouth once*
MATT: Can I take you back upstairs?

AHAHAHAHAHA. Honestly, never in Bachelor history have I seen the lead escort one of the girls out without being interrupted first. Conversation with her must feel like it’s own ring of Hell. 

 

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I mean, his eyes say it all. 

Sarah’s One-On-One Date

Sarah gets the second one-on-one date of the week, and I’m a little shocked there’s not a second group date. I guess after watching an angry mob of his would-be-wives perform illegal wrestling moves in a mud pit, Matt had seen enough. 

Here’s another date that’s straight out of one of my anxiety-riddled nightmares. Matt decides to test Sarah’s trust in “the process” by seeing if she’d willingly climb into the world’s jankiest airplane. They aren’t even properly shut in! It’s all open air! I’ve seen rural carnival ferris wheels that have more safety precautions than this contraption! 

Sarah’s like, “this is a first date for the books!” and something tells me that the craziest date she’d ever been on prior to this involved half-priced fondue night at The Melting Pot.

Okay, can we stop labeling people a “slow start” just because they don’t want to go public with their deeply personal sh*t? I’m all for people being vulnerable, but you shouldn’t be penalized for not baring your entire f*cking soul to a person you’ve known for all of three hours on national television. I barely want to give a guy my last name after a first date, let alone launch into a detailed account of my intimacy issues. 

MY ROOMMATE: Is he wearing another turtleneck?
ME: He loves a turtleneck.
MY ROOMMATE: I wish he would unzip it a little bit… 

Don’t we all!!

And as it turns out, Sarah does have some deeply personal sh*t that she seems less than forthcoming about sharing on national television. We learn that Sarah’s dad was diagnosed with ALS a few years back and his health has been progressively declining ever since. She even quit her job as a broadcast journalist to be his caretaker. Considering I still throw a fit when my dad suggests I pay for my car insurance, I can’t imagine what she’s going through. Matt takes all of this news in stride and asks what he can do to be a better partner for her. I’d say for starters he could get rid of the 25+ other women he’s dating, but it was sweet of him to ask all the same!

For her honesty, Matt rewards Sarah with the date rose. Honestly… I don’t see any sparks between the two of them, but it’s not like he could send her home after an admission like that. I’m interested to see how long she stays in this game. 

The Rose Ceremony

Going into the rose ceremony tonight, there are still half a dozen girls who didn’t get any date time with Matt this week. Oooh. While I’d love to spend an appropriate amount of time talking about this or even swooning over Abigail and Matt coming up with their own secret code signals, I think we have to talk about the main event of the evening: the showdown between Queen V and Marylynn. 

First, I’d like to say that Marylynn is an easy target. You don’t have to be an “empath” to see that she’s the weak one in the pack. She starts off the cocktail hour by crying to Matt about her insecurities. He does his best to placate her. And by that I mean he picked a random decorative flower off the nearest coffee table and said it was for her. Smooth. 

Victoria sees Marylynn experiencing an ounce of happiness and does a truly amazing job at sabotaging it. She tells Matt that Marylynn was “bullying” her, so much so that she was forced to sleep on the couch. Technically she did sleep on the couch, but it was less because of any sort of altercation and more because she got too drunk and wanted to give her roommate the cold shoulder, much like my dog does after I watch this show every Monday night. 

I think her story would be more believable if she didn’t show up to the rose ceremony looking like she shot herself with a tranquilizer gun first. Girl, you look a MESS. Not only is her eye makeup a straight-up crime, but TSA would flag her for those bags under her eyes.

 

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Okay, Queen V is UNHINGED. Like, what deserted island did ABC find her on? Marylynn attempts to apologize to Victoria, only to be SHUT DOWN by a woman with half her bra falling out of her dress. Can you imagine? I think if I were Marylynn and someone asked me how this feud started I would just gesture wildly to Victoria. I mean, whose account of events seems more trustworthy? Marylynn’s or a girl who looks like she was the result of a SheShed seance gone terribly wrong?

Before we can find out who will be the last girl standing at the rose ceremony (spoiler: it has to be Victoria, sorry but she’s contractually obligated to be in at least five episodes, mark my words), things come to a sudden halt when Sarah stumbles off stage. She dramatically whispers “I’m seeing stars” before a production intern screams to get a medic. Did she have one too many vodka crans during the cocktail hour? Did Queen V discreetly shoot her with that tranquilizer gun? Only time will tell, my friends! Until next time!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); giphy (3); @shesallbach, @bachelornation, @tvgoldtweets /Instagram (3)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Baby, Vibe Wit Me

Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Though can it truly be considered a “welcome back” situation when the break between seasons has been shorter than my hangover was after New Year’s Eve? (By the way, yes, you can still be hungover even if you only spent the night drinking Trader Joe’s champagne and binge watching Cobra Kai. Welcome to your late 20s, people!). Part of the reason ABC was able to churn out content faster than my 14-year-old cousin’s TikTok account was that, instead of choosing the next Bachelor based on whichever loser from last season lived closest to the Bachelor mansion *cough* Peter *cough, cough*, they instead cast completely outside the franchise. I would say “what a novel idea”, but this feels less novel and more like someone put an ounce of energy into doing their job—but by all means let’s congratulate them with fervor nonetheless! 

And who is this nobody looking for love whom ABC decided was a better option than giving Nick Viall a 12th shot at love? Matt James! Matt is a former North Carolina college football player-turned-NYC transplant whose profession is being ridiculously good looking and famous-adjacent with Tyler Cameron. Sorry, I meant to say commercial real estate. His profession is totally that and not the sponsored deals he got through his time with the Quarantine Crew. He’s also the first Black Bachelor ever (we love to see it) and the only man to make Chris Harrison seem petite. It appears his worst quality is that he… only looks okay in that mustard turtleneck? Honestly, I’ve got nothing.  

MATT’S MOM: It sounds like you think… this process could… work?
MATT: Yes, I do.
MATT’S MOM:
The face of someone who just realized they will probably need to wait a solid 10 more years before getting grandkids. I’m equally skeptical, lady!

Matt tells us he’s been waiting a long time to find The One, and I’m deeply concerned for my own romantic future. The man is a romance novel’s wet dream and you’re telling me he couldn’t get a few meaningful swipes on Raya?! If the 6’5″ former college athlete-turned-real estate mogul and philanthropist is hard up for dates, then what hope is there for the rest of us? I might as well head back to the Jamba Juice and take up that register boy’s offer to “kick it” sometime. As if to illustrate my point, the cameras quickly pan to a close up of Matt James’ slick body doing an insane amount of pull-ups as every man in America watching this with his significant other just went limp with performance anxiety. 

CHRIS HARRISON: Damn, you’re tall!

You’re really not helping, Chris. 

 

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As we head into the first night of Matt’s journey toward love, I’m noticing a few things right off the bat. One, though the setting for this season is a far cry from the tacky elegance and bubbling fountains of the Bachelor mansion we know and love, this place is leaps and bounds better than that trash La Quinta Inn they forced Tayshia and Clare to gallivant about last season. They went from having rose ceremonies in between the continental breakfast and the lobby bathroom to a space that has crystal chandeliers and hors d’oeuvres that didn’t come from Costco. The glow-up is insane. 

The second thing I’m noticing is that instead of jumping right into whatever limo antics the producers have set up, we’re treated to a meaningful conversation between Matt and Chris about race and dating. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Chris Harrison is woefully inadequate when it comes to conversations like this, but I appreciate that they’re having them all the same. Matt talks about growing up in a biracial home and this pressure he feels to date a certain type of woman, while Chris prattles off inspirational platitudes that relate not at all to the situation, but that he saw on a Hallmark card one time. 

MATT: How do I balance this enormous legacy of being the first Black Bachelor with my own happiness?
CHRIS HARRISON: They call it a leap of faith for a reason.

Christ. Someone check Chris’s programming this season because this sh*t ain’t going to fly anymore. You’re gonna need to go off book at some point, buddy!

Moving on to the limo entrances! If we’re being honest, the limo entrances are pretty lame this season. There aren’t too many gimmicks and most people stick to the “hi my name is X and I’m excited to meet you” script. Not one person asks Matt to slap the bag or sneaks a Johnny Bootlegger in their bra. Where is the spunk? Where is the personality?? Personally, I would have introduced myself as someone whose “hidden talent” involves coming up with an insult within minutes of meeting you that feels not only inappropriate but somehow weirdly personalized to your specific childhood trauma. But, hey, that’s just me. 

That said, there are a few standouts from the limo entrances:

– Chelsea looked STUNNING in that little black number. I think at one point Matt says “damn she’s wearing the hell out of that dress” and he is absolutely correct. 

Chelsea and Matt James

– Magi is both gorgeous and a pharmacist. That feels like witchcraft to me.

– Kaili showing up in black lingerie and then immediately chugging red wine the minute after she met Matt is some real hero sh*t. 

– Victoria’s entrance looked like a knock-off of one I saw on My Super Sweet 16, except that those youths were able to afford hot hired help, not the less-than-enthused film crew who huffed her ass down the street. 

– Katie shows up waving around a sparkly purple dildo, and there is no WAY that can be COVID-safe, let alone sanitary. I hope that thing was fresh out the box before he puts his hands on it! 

After the limo entrances, Matt makes his first rose ceremony speech as the Bachelor. Instead of the half-hearted “to love!!!” cheers that most of his predecessors have used, he decides that prayer is more of a mood setter. And boy, does he know his audience. Before he even finished asking them to bow their heads, half those girls were closer to orgasm than they have been with any of their ex-boyfriends. Also, please note that I’m getting a huge kick out of watching all of these women pretend to be religious as they wear lingerie and clutch their used vibrators. 

 

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MATT: It’s about being vulnerable an— guys, I’m sorry but can someone move that f*cking vibrator. It’s winking at me. 

Is it just me, or is the cocktail party also kind of a snooze fest? Nobody is really standing out to me thus far except for Rachel. She looks HOT in that emerald green dress in a way that is making me want to report her social accounts for inappropriate activity out of spite. 

Mari also makes a decent impression on Matt. She tells him she’s from Puerto Rico and I’m immediately impressed. Not with her, she butchered the word “pressure,” but with Matt for both knowing anything about Puerto Rico other than he thought about going there for spring break one year, and also for not trying to twist his sympathy for Hurricane Maria victims into an opening for him to stick his tongue down her throat. Bravo! You’re not scum. 

Just as Mari is about to open up about her family’s devastation, Katie takes that as her cue to literally tap her out of the conversation with her crusty vibe. You guys, I think I might be rooting for Katie? First of all, she’s the only realistic one about her pleasure. I don’t care how much b-roll they have of Matt’s abs. If there isn’t a sparkly purple dildo in every fantasy suite then I’m not believing all those sound effects. Second of all, she’s average pretty, and I mean that in the kindest of ways. She’s the only one who doesn’t look like she immediately ran to a cosmetic dermatologist two weeks before departing for this season. I hope you go far, girl!

Okay, “The Queen” looks over-served—like me in any of my friends’ wedding reception videos. I know she’s supposed to be the villain of this season, but I think the cruelest thing about her is that she was born with one singular brain cell. Seriously, I’ve met potatoes that had more neurological functions than this girl. 

No one makes more of an impression than Abigail, who is hot, deaf, and has some semblance of a personality. It’s not hard to see why Matt likes her and she’s able to snag one of the only smooches of the evening. He breaks off their convo to get her the first impression rose AND WHAT’S THAT? IS THAT MY HEART GROWING THREE SIZES ON THIS DAY? I mean I’m actually smiling watching this, it’s so cute.  

And just like, that we’re at the rose ceremony! The only true surprise out of this rose ceremony is that he ends up keeping Queen V. There’s something to be said for keeping the drunkest slob kabob in the room. It makes whatever you say or do look less alarming when you have a girl in one corner singing “God Save The Queen” into her over-filled champagne glass and another girl waving around a dildo in the other. I mean, I wouldn’t know, as usually I am the slob kabob in question, but these are things I’m told make my presence so “fun” and “entertaining” when I’m in the company of friends. Here’s who gets the boot: Alicia, Amber, Carolyn, Casandra, Corrinne, Emani, Kimberly, and Saneh. Miss you already!

And that’s all she wrote! Until next week, kids!

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The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Newsflash, You’re All Emotionally Unstable

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Hello, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap! I’m told that tonight we’ll be subjected to the fiery car crash otherwise known as “The Women Tell All.”  But before the women can skewer Pachi over the flames of their ever-burning hatred, we must first finish the Fantasy Suites rose ceremony. I think we can all agree that last week was a rough one—and I’m not just talking Victoria F in the bedroom. In fact, I feel like last week’s episode can be summed up with this entire exchange:

MADISON: I’m a virgin and if you slept with other women then we’re done.
PETER:

Things were not looking great for the two of them when Madison was noticeably absent from the rose ceremony. Which brings us to tonight! We’re moments away from finding out if Madison’s prayer circle will forgive Peter for experimenting in sexual asphyxiation with Victoria F. Oh Pachi, what a tangled web you weave. 

The Rose Ceremony

As Victoria is getting ready for the rose ceremony, she tells us that Peter’s love is the “purest” she’s ever seen. I’m not sure if “pure” is the right word here, but he’s definitely the most single person she’s ever been with. Also, what world is she living in? Their entire relationship has consisted of her screaming “I can’t!” and Peter looking at the camera like he’d like to hang himself. The fact that Victoria thinks she could have a forever with him makes me want to call her doctor immediately and have him adjust her meds.  

Is that *squints* Chris Harrison at a rose ceremony? Well, well, how nice of you to join us Christopher! I’m pretty sure the last time he spoke directly to Peter was back in Cleveland when the women hijacked his rose ceremony—and that’s only because he’s contractually obligated to interfere when the contestants form a mutiny and try to bury the lead alive for his stupidity. 

He asks Peter how everything is going and Peter immediately breaks down into tears. I love that Chris is looking at him with absolute disgust. I guess after the Fence Jump of 2019, he made sure to adjust his contract so that he’s no longer obligated to deal with emotional breakdowns.

PETER: *weeps*
CHRIS HARRISON:
Hannah Ann is the first to arrive at tonight’s rose ceremony and you can tell she doesn’t really want to win this thing. I mean, it’s the only excuse I can think of for why she would decide to show up to one of the most important rose ceremonies of the season dressed like a witch’s curse turned her into a table lamp just in time to perform “Be Our Guest.” Then there’s the fact that she looks absolutely panicked that Madison is absent from the rose ceremony and she might automatically be going to the finals. 

Madi shows up at the very last second wearing a red dress of sin. What’s even more alarming? You can see her collarbone. Wooooooow. Her youth pastor will definitely be using clips from this episode as a cautionary tale at his next Sunday school sermon, that’s for sure. 

Peter starts off the rose ceremony and he is visibly upset. I would also be upset if my only options for marriage included a model for Kohl’s coupons, the black widow of Virginia Beach, and a girl wearing a chastity belt made of titanium. Tbh I can hardly focus on him when the camera keeps panning to Madison’s makeup. Can Madison figure out how to use mascara? MY GOD. You’re a virgin Madi, but you’re certainly not blind!!

HOLY SH*T. He picks Madison over little miss temptress Victoria F?? I’m shocked. Victoria F was truly at the fantasy suites for one thing and one thing only light choking. Chase Rice, if you’re reading this, I fully expect someone to be slipping into your DMs very soon. 

Peter’s like “Madison, will you accept this rose?” and in response she gives the world’s longest sigh. Why do I have a feeling Peter will be dissecting that pause AT LENGTH while on the phone with his mother later? Madison is like “I guess I’ll take this rose, fornicator.” HAHA. That was such an angry “yeah.” I love it. 

Okay, that’s not the exit performance I thought Victoria F would give. She seems very calm and collected. I expected hellfire, or at the very least a verbal emasculation of Peter. Boooooo. 

The Women Tell All

Moving on. This is usually the time during each season when the women are on their very best behavior as they all compete for a spot on Paradise or The Bachelorette. And by “very best behavior” I mean verbally tearing each other limb-by-limb for production’s sick satisfaction. See? Fun! Tonight will be especially entertaining to watch, as this was filmed before the next Bachelorette had been announced, and they found out that their IG spon-con opportunities were going to a woman who is old enough to have actually birthed MyKenna. You love to see it.

Things start off strong when Chris Harrison mocks the women for not having a strong grasp of the English language. I don’t think he’s really being fair to them though. You know they can only speak in hashtags and emojis, Chris!

First up on the chopping block is Alayah. The women would still like to roast her hair extensions over an open flame for daring to bond with them through gossip and Twitter rumors. I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand what she’s done wrong. Gossiping is, like, the underlying foundation of female friendships. In fact, the only thing that brings women together more than a juicy rumor is an overly-long bathroom line. If you can’t make friends this way anymore then this world is truly broken. 

Chris Harrison goes “let’s talk about #ChampagneGate and the pop heard ‘round the world” and it’s cute that he stole a line directly from one of my recaps. 

CHRIS HARRISON: You know what they say: all’s well that ends well… up your nose!!

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS UP YOUR NOSE. I’m sure Mike Fliess wouldn’t appreciate you bringing up cocaine habits on live television. You know that you have to wait for the company Christmas party for that kind of talk.

Somehow, Tammy is allotted speaking time, and I truly forgot how unhinged she is. You can tell she desperately wants to be seen as the only sane person in the room and it’s not going well for her. She keeps denying things she said about the other contestants despite the fact that production has the receipts and just played them for a live studio audience. 

Once again, she starts coming for Kelsey’s emotional stability, and it’s like, of course Kelsey is emotionally unstable! She’s competing with 20+ other women on national television for the attention of a man who definitely makes jokes about his cockpit in the bedroom. You’re ALL emotionally unstable!

TAMMY: So, you’re saying you weren’t drunk during that altercation?
KELSEY: I never said I was sober!

^ Things I’ve said to my mom when she questions that one time my phone was stolen in the SoHo Forever21 at 11 in the morning. These things just happen, mother!!

Even though Sydney just watched footage of herself calling Tammy a psycho, she would like to know why Kelsey is name-calling her. And this is the crux of why I hate Sydney so much. You can’t be a bully AND a victim. 

SYDNEY: Didn’t you call me a stupid f*cking bitch?
KELSEY: First of all, it was crazy f*cking bitch. I would never insult your intelligence like that!! 

That’s just, like, the rules of feminism I suppose.

You can tell the producers had a hard time scripting this fight between Tammy and MyKenna, because at one point the words “you dance like a buffoon” come out of Tammy’s mouth and MyKenna’s only comeback is “you can meet me on the streets of Canada.” Ah, yes. The mean streets of Canada, where you can find healthcare on every corner and people hustling for $14/hr minimum wage. Truly terrifying. 

america listening to Mykenna quote TJ Maxx mugs again #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/CxERtBdSU7

— Grace Elizabeth (@G_Brinkerhoff) March 3, 2020

Kelsey’s Bachelorette Audition

Kelsey gets called into the hot seat, and she’s the first girl of the night to get any one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. You can tell she was treating this like her Bachelorette audition, because this Kelsey feels very put together and not like the hot mess I know and love. Poor girl just wanted ABC to find her a warm body to come home to and now she’s got nothing to go back to except her bottle of Korbel. 

CHRIS: What got you crying there? Are you drunk again?

Chris! You can’t just ask her that! Chris keeps bringing up #ChampagneGate and how Kelsey feels about taking things up her nose and it’s like, Chris, she already said the only pill she pops is Adderall! Lay off!!

Oh look, and there’s Ashley I milking her five more minutes of fame for all it’s worth. Ashley I is like that troll who lives under a bridge, except instead of paying her money for passage into Bachelor Nation, you need to pay her in what’s left of your dignity. 

She tells Kelsey that she’s really happy someone else finally looks more pathetic and miserable on national television than she did. For her service to her country, she gifts her with a bottle of champagne the size of Li’l Sebastian. Dear god. 

Victoria F Denies Everything

Chris calls Victoria into the hot seat, and I can’t wait for him to grill the sh*t out of her. She starts off by giving a very passionate speech about how she wishes she let Peter love her the way he wanted, and I’m starting to think that she also regrets sticking that finger up his butt. That probably works well with the married men, but then again they’re also probably blackmailed into compliance. Know your audience, Vickie!

Omg Chris Harrison is finally gonna earn his paycheck this week with his “to be clear, have you ever broken up a marriage before” line of questioning. Victoria does an amazing job of deflecting every single question Chris throws at her. She denies hooking up with married men, but it’s very vague. What’s most disappointing is that Chris isn’t even TRYING to poke holes in her story. He literally asked more questions about #ChampagneGate then he has about Victoria’s affairs. 

God, why is he praising her?? He’s like “you’re so mature, Victoria” and it’s like did YOU sleep with her too, Christopher?? Are we just going to forget how truly awful this girl was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

ABC Actually Gets Deep?

In an unexpected turn of events, ABC takes a moment to talk about online hate and the trolling of contestants. Former Bachelorette Rachel is welcomed to the stage, where she addresses the issue by actually reading some of the horrifying messages people of color have received after being featured on the show. While this feels like a really important conversation to have, and one I’m glad ABC is addressing, to me, there was something off about this display, and it left a sour taste in my mouth. For one, I didn’t like how coy they were about the issue. Not once was the word “racism” uttered on that stage. They kept saying “online hate” and “trolls” as the camera panned to the women of color. I would have loved to have seen ABC really take a stand against racism, for them to say “racism won’t be tolerated in Bachelor Nation and those tweets, comments, DMs, are racist, disgusting, and deplorable.” Instead, they straddled the line, and it was disappointing to watch.

It almost felt like ABC was using this moment to reaffirm that that the franchise isn’t as white-washed as it absolutely is. This is a great start, sure, but let’s not forget there has only ever been one person of color as a Bachelor/Bachelorette lead. And then when that person was the lead, they put a white supremacist on her season for better ratings. They put a sexual predator on Becca’s season for that very same reason. You can’t say you’re disgusted with all of the hate and the bigotry and then, on the very same stage, have a contestant who has modeled a shirt that says “white lives matter.” They want to be inclusive and diverse when it fits their narrative. This is a fantastic start to addressing the negative side of Bachelor Nation, but ABC can—and should—do more. 

And on that note, that’s all I’ve got, kids! Next week is the two-day finale of Peter’s season and the internet STILL has no idea how it ends. I have this theory that the reason for this is because ABC has been keeping Peter and his future bride chained in the bowels of ABC studios so Reality Steve can’t spoil all their fun this season. Guess we’ll have to wait and see next week!

Images: ABC; Giphy (4); @g_brinkerhoff /Twitter (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Scar On Madi’s Heart Is Bigger Than The One On Pete’s Head

Presented by SkinnyPop

Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.

Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go. 

PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:

Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken. 

Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete! 

You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know. 

We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin. 

PETER: G’day sheilas!!!

Christ. I should have known. 

Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter. 

Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?

THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:

Hannah Ann’s Date

Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?

Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note. 

I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!

Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!

Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women.  If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.

VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:

Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??

HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.

Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there. 

Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand. 

Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.

Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.

I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.

The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!

Victoria’s Date

I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!

Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!

They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria. 

VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:

Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions. 

HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent* 

I see right through you, girlfriend!

Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8

— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020

I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off. 

Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!

Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?

Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.  

Madison’s Date

Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.

Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!

I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC. 

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Flying high 🥰 #TheBachelor

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Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!

Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women. 

She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!

Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.

Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.

Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!

Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY. 

Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!

Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1); 

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Champagne Showers

Presented by SkinnyPop

Hello and welcome back to the best Bachelor recap you’ll ever read! Every Monday I tell myself that this will be the Monday that I cut ties with this disease-ridden franchise and do something for myself. The things I would do with those two hours back in my life! I could download a workout video! I could watch that workout video while eating Cheetos by the handful in bed! I could take a nap! Re-watch Criminal Minds in its entirety for the third time! The possibilities are truly endless, and yet, every Monday I find myself coming back for more. Sighs. It’s nice to dream though, isn’t it?

Moving on. When last we left off, ABC had just delivered a jam-packed three-hour episode, and it was a little disconcerting tbh. When ABC declares an episode will be “dramatic” I’m conditioned to understand that this means I will be forced to endure no less than an hour and 50 minutes worth of meaningless fluff and 10 minutes of footage that makes me so uncomfortable that I want to disintegrate into my couch. It’s diabolical. But last week, ABC truly delivered. Not only did we get to see the night one rose ceremony, but we also got to see a group date, a one-on-one date, AND the beginnings of a second group date! We saw so much footage I was nervous I had somehow slipped and hit my head and this was all some kind of crazy fever dream.

Which brings us to this week: Hannah Brown is crying in a closet because her ex might actually be moving on from her. This is, like, 90 percent of the time why I cry at bars (the other 10 percent is because I know my dog is too good for me), so I feel for her, I really do. Peter asks Hannah if she’d be willing to give them a second shot. He would like to date her but also the 20+ other women he’s contractually obligated to give the time of day. What’s terrifying is that Hannah is actually, like, considering this change in events?? I’m not sure what sort of new low you need to reach as a person to consider not only taking back your ex but ACTIVELY competing for his love with an entire pledge class worth of girls, but Hannah, blink once if you need me to call a hotline for you.

PETER: You should have told me not to be The Bachelor. I never said no to you, you’re the one who said no to me.
ME:

Hannah’s like “can I give you a hug, Peter?” and okay, that’s more of a hug than I would give my grandmother, Hannah!! You guys, she just curled up into his lap like a goddamn cat! Her hand is on his thigh! His head is in her lap! This is the most personal thing I’ve ever witnessed on this show, and I’m so uneasy about it. ABC is too, I think, because they keep flipping back and forth between Peter tearfully stroking Hannah’s back like he just learned she has a terminal illness, to the rest of the women as they talk about which sex position will get the most slaps during their performance.

Honestly, can they just be together and be done with it?? I know I’m not supposed to root for Hannah Brown but MY GOD you can’t deny sparks like that. And look, I know, I know, that Hannah will not be back at this house. She still has to finish out Dancing with the Stars and Peter signed a contract to be the next Bachelor (like it or not), but I’m really really rooting for these two. Their connection is palpable. 

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AND THATS THE MOTHERFUCKIN TEA! (Edit: I believe this is about Hannah B since it was one minute into the episode)

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Hell has frozen over because I agree with Colton about something. 

Hannah decides that maybe—lol, this is so random honestly—but maybe this is less about Peter and more about Hannah not wanting her ex to move on before she does. Lol SO random. Meanwhile, the look Peter gives the camera when he ultimately realizes they need to part ways is more on par with a prisoner of war then a man who has to go back and seduce a room full of cosmetically-enhanced superwomen. I feel for you, Peter, I do. 

Peter tells the women that he can’t go through with the rest of this date, that he needs to process his emotions, and the women look far too upset about the fact that they won’t have to talk about the one time they tried edible underwear and got a yeast infection from it. Ladies don’t look so down, this is a good thing!!

PETER: I’m sorry, but let’s just reconvene later. I need to go emotionally masturbate to my relationship with Hannah right now. You understand?

Oh, they understand. Especially the 31-year-old who is PISSED about this whole Hannah B thing. She breaks the cardinal rule of this show by talking sh*t to the Bachelor early on. Doesn’t she realize that snitches get stitches on here?! This is like, rule #1 of this show. She tells Peter that he shouldn’t be working out his personal issues with his exes on this show, and I feel like she’s missing the entire point of The Bachelor

The rest of the girls decide to put the Hannah thing behind them and move forward in their relationships with Peter. There’s talk about “strengthening bonds,” which I’m to take actually means aggressive makeouts and extreme heavy petting because there is a lot of that going on in this room. 

Sydney gets the group date rose after she and Peter bond over both being biracial. Sydney admits growing up in the South as a person of color was pretty hard and that she experienced a lot of bullying and discrimination. It’s heartfelt and genuine and I’d love to see more from her. Meanwhile, Peter admits to salsa dancing that one time with his parents in the kitchen. Christ.

The Rose Ceremony Champagne Crisis Of 2020

Moving on to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by letting the women know he is absolutely 100% not into Hannah anymore and then proceeds to say her name no less than 12 times in the span of five minutes. Methinks the pilot doth protest too much…

The night starts off on a low note when Peter’s first conversation is with a girl who he remembers because she is the token redhead… but this is all he remembers. 

TOKEN REDHEAD: I had the red car on night one? Red hair, red car. Remember?
PETER: I… remember production has been making me carry around these car keys for the last week and now that’s starting to make sense.

Meanwhile, no one is more upset at this rose ceremony than Kelsey. She’s worried that Peter won’t remember her and she’ll be sent home this week and it’s like, honey, don’t sell yourself short. No one is going to be able to forget those beached whale sobs that have been coming out of your mouth all evening. 

But Kelsey has a plan! And that plan involves a bottle of champagne she brought all the way from her hometown’s Costco for this very occasion. We learn that she’s been saving this bottle of champagne for *checks notes* an entire year. I’m sorry, but A YEAR?! That bottle looks suspiciously like it might be Korbel to me. I’m going to assume that won’t age well. 

Wow, Peter is just full of gifts tonight. During some alone time with Madison he gives her a framed photo of the two of them from his parents’ vow renewal ceremony. I have concerns. A framed photo after one date feels like something only a serial killer would gift you right before they plot your death. On the other hand, when they inevitably break up in a few weeks, this will make for some nice kindling when she goes to burn all his sh*t. But, like, memories too.

 

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Swipe for a closer look… #thebachelor

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Elsewhere, Hannah Ann walks into a straight-up bear trap. She and Peter happen upon Kelsey’s bottle of André just like production told them to. They decide to pop it and all of  Kelsey’s dreams. 

HANNAH ANN: *pops champagne*
KELSEY:

ME TO MY DOG, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
The pop heard ‘round the world!

Okay, is Kelsey ACTUALLY confronting Hannah Ann to Peter’s face?! Kelsey, honey, baby, sweetie, you never EVER make a scene in front of the lead! This is the kiss of death! A man doesn’t want to see that you have emotions unless those emotions involve a fantasy suite and a windmill, mmkay!!

Peter tries to calm Kelsey down and it’s like watching a handler at the zoo try and comfort a manic depressive koala. He suggests that they pop a new bottle of champagne together, preferably one that hasn’t been sitting in the glove compartment of Kelsey’s car for the last year.

KELSEY: You’re right, I’m so sober rn I could use a drink.
ALSO KELSEY:

YOU GUYS I AM F*CKING DEAD. DECEASED. LOWER ME INTO MY GRAVE NOW BECAUSE I’LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING BETTER THAN THAT 15 SECONDS OF FOOTAGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

When that bottle of champagne spews all over Kelsey’s tear-stained face, a part of me that I thought was long-since dead came back to life. Thank you, ABC. That was truly magical.

And that moves us to the rose ceremony. Peter starts things off by saying that his wife is in the room but, like, I don’t see Hannah B anywhere in that room, sooo? 

WHAT. KELSEY GETS A ROSE?! When did acting like a drunken psycho suddenly become behavior worth rewarding? No, seriously, when? Because last weekend when I drunkenly snapped at my ex, all it got me was shame, regret, and some new dick pics. Definitely not any roses, though.

Welcome to the loser’s club, Courtney, Lauren, and Payton, because you’re all going home this week.

The Group Date

For the group date this week, the women will be modeling for Revolve. This feels very meta to me. What’s next? A competition to see who can build the best presets? When the women learn that the winner of Revolve’s Next Top Model will get more than just Peter’s attention, but an entire store’s worth of merchandise? It’s the first time I’ve seen any of them express true happiness. You love to see it. 

Meanwhile, Victoria (not Hot Victoria but the other Victoria) is having a hard time with this date. She wants Peter’s attention but doesn’t want to compete with a room full of Instagram’s hottest women to get it. Again, was she not aware of what this show would entail?

Christ. Watching Peter strut his stuff down the runway is making my reproductive organs shrivel up and die. Case in point:

Peter

Okay, the women literally just picked out what they’re wearing to Stagecoach this year. I can’t. 

For all of Victoria’s moaning about not being confident and being an insecure wallflower, she is OOZING sex appeal on this catwalk. I mean, her evening “look” is literally just lingerie underneath Keanu’s coat from The Matrix.

VICTORIA: I feel, like, noticed.

Well, I can practically see your areola, so I certainly hope so. 

Though Victoria places in the top two, ultimately Hannah Ann wins Revolve’s Next Top Model, which tracks because I’m pretty sure she is actually a model for Revolve. She gets to go home with a trunk full of new clothes, while Victoria gets to go home knowing her grandmother has seen her get groped by a commercial airline pilot in a dingy room with neon uplighting. Everyone’s a winner.

Victoria takes these insecurities into the cocktail portion of the date by immediately crying to Peter. She keeps saying how hard this process is and how hard she’s trying to get his attention and how hard this whole experience has been for her. Do you want to know what’s really going to be hard, Victoria? The thesaurus I throw at you so you can learn a goddamn synonym. 

 “I don’t know if you’re worth my mental health”— something I will be telling my manager during my next performance review. 

Kelsey grabs Peter next, and she is looking awfully confident for a girl who, less than 24 hours ago, took a champagne shower on national television. And what do you know! She’s drinking champagne again with Peter! She’s nothing if not on brand. 

Hannah Ann decides that being gifted an entirely new wardrobe is not enough and she would prefer to collect her winnings through the pain and suffering of her enemies. I can relate. She tells Peter that she’s being bullied by Kelsey, which feels like a lie mostly because Kelsey has either been crying or passed out for the majority of this episode. I’d like to see those receipts, Hannah Ann. 

KESLEY: That’s two nights where I haven’t cried!
KELSEY AFTER SHE HEARS HANNAH ANN CALLED HER A BULLY: 

Victoria gets the group date rose and it’s totally because she was honest and vulnerable with Peter and not at all because if he looked close enough he could see a nipple through that runway outfit of hers. So sweet.

Just as the episode is wrapping up, Peter pulls Kelsey aside to confront her about the bullying thing. He feels about as comfortable in that role as Chris Harrison did explaining giving Colton “the talk.” Kelsey says that she’s been bullied before—hello Peter, did you even SEE what happened with her Walgreen’s champagne the other night?!—and this is not it. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter sides with Hannah Ann or the woman who won’t stop crying in public restrooms. Only time will tell!

Images: ABC/Eric McCandless; Giphy (6)